Dating: How to Move Beyond Small Talk

A steady stream of small talk during the initial phase of dating can be boring and feel superficial (see my article: What to Talk About on a First Date).

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

Small talk lacks depth and fails to create a meaningful connection when you're trying to get to know someone.

Aside from this, it can be disappointing when the conversation remains on this level because the interaction feels flat and uninspiring.

People who cannot communicate beyond small talk will often find it difficult to transition to build momentum and excitement in the conversation. 

Suggestions on How to Move Beyond Small Talk

• Express Curiosity: Show you're interested in what your date is saying by showing your curiosity.  Ask open-ended questions. If there's something your date says that you don't understand, ask clarifying questions. If you can share a similar experience, you can show you relate to what they're talking about.

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

• Share Personal Insights and Experiences: Open up and share a little bit about yourself. This can be a personal interest of yours, a small personal challenge or a recent experience.

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

• Try to Find Common Ground: Talk about your interests and hobbies to see if you can find common ground with your date. This will provide you with an opportunity to explore your mutual interests together and deepen your connection.

Moving Beyond Small Talk on a Date

• Practice Active Listening: Pay attention to what your date is communicating both verbally and nonverbally. Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions and allow your date to finish what they're saying.

If you're able to follow these tips, you can move beyond small talk and develop a genuine connection.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Floodlighting: How to Stop Oversharing During the Initial Stage of Dating

Why Do Some People Prefer to Text Instead of Meeting in Person?

Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

Are You Dating or in a Relationship?

Why Do People Leave Relationships By Ghosting?

How Do You Know If You're Ready to Seek Help in Trauma Therapy?

Many people procrastinate getting help in therapy to deal with unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

One the one hand, it's understandable that people want to think carefully before beginning trauma therapy because it's a commitment. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

On the other hand, it's possible to procrastinate and overthink it to the point where years go by and you're still dealing with the impact of unresolved trauma.

How Do You Know If You're Ready to Seek Help in Trauma Therapy?

Here are some characteristics that would be helpful:

• Some Awareness and Curiosity of the Impact of the Trauma: You have some awareness that traumatic circumstances in your life have had a negative impact on you. You might not understand the full impact, but you have a sense that your traumatic history is creating problems in your present life (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

• A Desire and Willingness to Change: In addition to being aware of the problem, you have a desire and willingness to change. This includes realizing that working through trauma isn't a quick fix process (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation to Change).

• Feeling Emotionally Ready to Start the Process: You are at a point in your life when you feel ready emotionally to begin the process. Your trauma therapist will help you develop the necessary tools and skills to prepare for processing the trauma. The length of time for the preparation phase of trauma therapy varies depending upon a client's particular circumstances.

• Having the Time to Commit to the Process: You understand that trauma therapy involves a commitment of time and you can commit to once-a-week trauma therapy to work through yout traumatic history.

• A Willingness to Confront the Problem: Although you know it will be challenging, you are willing to confront the problem with help and support from your therapist. 

• An Openness to Emotional Vulnerability: You understand working on the problem will involve opening up emotionally to traumatic events from the past, but that you're in charge of deciding when you're ready to start processing the trauma and your therapist will assess with you the timing of the processing.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases (to protect confidentiality) and illustrates one possible pathway for the decision-making process:

Anna

A few years after Anna graduated college, she was aware she was having problems connecting on an emotional and sexual level with men.  

She watched videos, listened to podcasts and read articles about psychological trauma, so she had some awareness that there was something in her history that was affecting her in her present life.

Initially, she was afraid to seek help in therapy because she was feared therapy would be too overwhelming, so she thought about it for a several years and kept putting it off. But when she heard about a close friend's experience with trauma therapy, she became curious for herself.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Her friend, Carol, told Anna she was also scared to start trauma therapy at first, but she felt motivated to get help because her relationship with John was getting serious and she realized she was worrying she might create the same tumultuous relationship her parents and she really didn't want to that.

Carol told Anna that, after talking to another friend about trauma therapy, she got curious to find out what it was about. So, she had an hourlong consultation with a trauma therapist who described the process to her and she realized the therapist would go at Carol's pace. She also realized she felt comfortable with this therapist.

Carol also told Anna her therapist prepared her to process her traumatic family history using EMDR Therapy. Carol said the therapist also used Parts Work Therapy. 

Carol said she learned so much about herself and, even though she was still processing the trauma, she was beginning to feel like a weight was being lifted from her. 

She also began to realize she wouldn't repeat her parents' dysfunctional patterns and it was possible for her to have a healthy relationship with John.

Anna trusted Carol. She also knew she wanted to be more open emotionally and sexually so she could eventually get into a relationship. So she set up a consultation with another trauma therapist who was recommended to her.

During the consultation, the trauma therapist asked her what she wanted to work on in therapy. In addition, the therapist explained the different types of trauma therapy she did including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Processing)

• Parts Work Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)

She also explained the preparation phase of trauma therapy and that it would be Anna's decision when she felt ready to go on to the next stage, processing the trauma.

After her initial consultation, her trauma therapist helped Anna to develop the skills and tools she needed to process her trauma. 

When both Anna and her therapist felt she was ready, they began working on processing her trauma keeping in mind Anna's goal of becoming more emotionally and sexually open.

Over time, Anna noticed small positive changes in herself where she began to feel more open and curious about opening up emotionally and sexually.

Her therapist told her that setbacks are a normal part of the therapy process on the road to healing, so Anna wasn't surprised when she had a minor setback.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

When Anna began dating Bill, she felt more comfortable with him than she had ever felt in the past with other men. He was willing to take things slowly until they dated for a while.  

Over time, as she continued to process her childhood history in trauma therapy, Anna was able to open up to be more vulnerable with Bill.

She also enjoyed her therapy sessions, even though she had to process difficult memories, because she was learning about herself and she was opening up to new possibilities in her life.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have been on the fence for a while about getting help in therapy, you can start by contacting a therapist for a consultation.

Use the time in the consultation to ask about the therapy process, how the therapist works and any other questions you might have about trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

You might need to have more than one appointment to tell if you feel comfortable with the therapist or you might need to see a few therapists before you know which one to choose (see my article: How to Choose a Therapist).

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and  Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

What is Autopilot Mode?

Autopilot is also known clinically as "cognitive disengagement."

Living on autopilot happens when you live your life based on routines, habits and external expectations instead of making conscious and intentional choices.

Getting stuck in autopilot is a common problem (see my article: How to Get Out of a Rut).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

Many people just go through life disengaged and without joy--just going through the motions.

To stop living your life on autopilot, you can start by making small intentional changes to break repetitive pattens so you can re-engage with your life.

What Are Signs That You're Stuck in Autopilot?

• You follow the same routines every day without awareness or conscious choice.

• You lose touch with what you used to enjoy because you're just trying to "get through the day"

• You numb yourself with distractions including social media, TV and busywork.

Examples of Living on Autopilot

• Maria: Maria lived her life based on a set routine: Wake up, make coffee, cook, clean, take care of the kids. The next day she would repeat the same routines. Weekends were basically the same. She did this day after day for 10 years before she realized she had a vague sense of dissatisfaction with her life, but she didn't know why.  She began experiencing vague aches and pains so she saw her doctor who ruled out any physical problems. He recommended that she seek help in therapy. Shortly after she began therapy, Maria realized she was living her life on autopilot and she was deeply unhappy with her routines and habits, so she worked with her therapist to break free of her routines so she could live more consciously.

• Steve: Steve felt he had a great job, but in the last few years he was stagnating in his career. He realized he was intentionally avoiding taking on new projects and challenges out of fear of stepping outside his comfort zone.  He also realized that his marriage was stagnating because he and his wife had drifted into set routines where they would spend the evening either zoning out in front of the TV or on their phones. As he became more self aware, he also realized his wife was drinking a lot, but he couldn't pinpoint when this began because they were both living their lives on autopilot. So, they each sought help in individual therapy as well as couples therapy so they could break free of their routines and develop new interests separately and apart. After a while, his wife realized she was drinking out of a sense of boredom and she stopped.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Interrupt the Pattern: Put down your phone and try something new. Start small with one particular habit and branch out from there. For instance, if you always eat cornflakes for breakfast, try something new. Be present and in the moment while eating or doing other tasks (see my article: Breaking Habits With Pattern Interruptions).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Approach Routines With Mindfulness: Instead of zoning out while you're doing the dishes or doing other routine tasks, slow down and engage your five senses--sight, sound, smell, touch and, if applicable, taste. When you become more aware, routine tasks become a lot less routine (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).

• Think About What You Really Want to Do: Instead of focusing on what you think you should do or what's expected of you, ask yourself what you want to do. Try journaling to self reflect and see what comes up.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Get Curious: Autopilot keeps you zoned out. So, getting curious about something you're interested in helps to counteract autopilot tendencies. Maybe you've always been curious about Impressionist painters, learning a new language or doing improv. Allow yourself to be open to new experiences--even if it feels a little scary at first (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Seek Novelty: Instead of relying on old habits and routines, be aware that autopilot thrives on habit and sameness. So, try something new. Join a book club or join a new discussion group to allow yourself to get motivated and inspired.

Get Help in Therapy

Living on autopilot might have felt safe at some point in your life. Maybe you felt comforted by routines and habits because you didn't have to think or feel. 

Getting Help in Therapy

But if you feel you're stagnating in life and you're unable to break free on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has helped clients to overcome this problem.

There might also be deeper reasons why you're stuck in autopilot including unresolved trauma.

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to live your life with intention and purpose which will make your life more meaningful.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Getting Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Turn-0ns

As a sex therapist, when I'm working with individual clients or couples who want to work on their sex life, I often hear clients say they're bored or they're not turned on by what their partner wants to do sexually or the idea of doing something new makes them uncomfortable (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Turn-Ons

These are a common problems, which is understandable because no two people are exactly alike and each will have their own preferences when it comes to just about anything--whether it's food, sex, types of entertainment they enjoy and so on.

Aside from the fact that many people don't know how to talk about sex with their partner, talking about sex when two people don't want to engage in the same sexual activity can be especially fraught (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

The partner who is making him/herself vulnerable by asking for a sexual activity that is outside of their usual sexual repertoire often feels rejected when the other partner doesn't want to even considerate it. 

In most cases, the other partner isn't rejecting their partner--they're rejecting the activity.  But in the moment, it can feel like a personal rejection (see my article: Coping With a Sexual Rejection From Your Partner).

This often shuts down any more talk about sex due to fear of rejection. In many cases, this sets up a dynamic where sex becomes routine and boring over time because there's nothing new and each person is reluctant to talk about it.

Sexual shame and guilt often get in the way of partners being able to talk about sex.  If shame and guilt are worked through in therapy, a reluctant partner can get curious about their partner's and their own sexual interests.

How to Get Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Turn-Ons

As I've said in prior articles, no one should do anything they don't want to do.  

Consent means more than just going along with your partner's wishes when you don't want to do it.  

But when you're in a relationship with someone you trust, your response doesn't have to be either Yes or No.  Instead, you can get curious about what turns your partner on about the particular sexual activity they're interested in and get curious about your own erotic preferences.

Even if you both decide not to engage in any of these activities, your curiosity and the discussion with your partner can open up other possibilities that you're both interested in.

Are There Sexual Brakes Getting in the Way?

Even more important than understanding your own and your partner's turn-ons is understanding each of your turn-offs.  

According to Sex Educator Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., when a couple is experiencing sexual problems where they're out of synch with regard to sexual desire, it's important to pay attention to whether one or both people are dealing with "sexual brakes."  

The sexual brakes need to be addressed first before looking at the sexual accelerators (turn-ons).  To paraphrase Dr. Nagoski: You have to turn off the offs before you turn on the ons.

This is an issue I discussed in detail in the article listed below, so I won't go into it in more detail here:

Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Accelerators and Brakes

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how to use curiosity and an open discussion to bring a couple closer together emotionally and sexually:

Nina and Tim

Nina and Tim, who were both in their early 40s, were married for several years when Tim told Nina that he felt their sex life had become too routine and he would like to spice it up a little.

Prior to dating Tim, Nina was only in one other long term relationship so she didn't have a lot of prior sexual experience.  

She was also bored with their sexual routine, but she didn't feel sexually confident, so when she heard Tim say he wanted to spice things up, she felt embarrassed and apprehensive.  

Sexual Boredom is a Common Problem in Long Term Relationships

In addition, due to her religious and cultural upbringing, talking about sex brought up guilt and shame for her (see my article: Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt Due to Cultural Issues).

Even though she felt uncomfortable, she wanted to be a good partner to Tim, so she asked him what he had in mind.  

Tim knew talking about sex made Nina feel uncomfortable, especially talking about trying something new, so he reassured her that he wouldn't try to get her to do anything she didn't want to do.  He only wanted to expand their usual sex script (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Tim told Nina he wanted to try doing role plays (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Sexual Role Play?).

He could tell from the look of her face that she was hesitant about this, which made him feel emotionally vulnerable and embarrassed that he even suggested it, so he told her to forget it.  

When she saw the look of embarrassment on his face, Nina wanted to say something comforting, but she didn't know what to say, so she turned on the TV to cover the awkward silence between them.

After that awkward conversation, they didn't talk about sex again for another year.  They continued their usual sexual routine, even though they were both bored with it.  Over time, they had less and less sex because neither of them looked forward to it.

So, a year after his first attempt, Tim tried talking to her about their sex life again, but he could see how uncomfortable she was, so he suggested they see a sex therapist to work on this, which Nina agreed to do.

Their sex therapist normalized their difficulty with talking about sex.  She also told them that it was common for sex to become routine for couples in long term relationships and they were no different from many other couples (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?).

Gradually, Nina and Tim began a dialog about their sex life in their sessions.  They also worked on their emotional connection, which they both wanted to strengthen.

Strengthening their emotional connection helped Nina to feel more comfortable talking the possibility of trying new sexual activities, including role playing.  She was also able to listen to Tim tell her what turned him on about role playing.

Nina also worked on the shame and guilt related to her religious and cultural background, so she was able to open up to her own sexual curiosity. 

In addition, Nina explored her own core erotic themes to understand herself as an erotic being. This enabled Nina to get curious about her erotic needs as well as Tim's (see my article: Sexual Self Discovery with Pleasure Mapping).

Getting Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Turn-Ons

Nina and Tim's curiosity motivated them to try sexual role plays, which added spice to their sex life together.  They also began exploring other sexual activities they were both curious about, which was pleasurable for both of them.

Conclusion

Aside from guilt and shame, there can be many other reasons why you might hesitate to explore your own and your partner's sexual turn-ons.  

If your initial reaction is to criticize or show contempt for your partner's turn-ons, try to get curious instead.

When you get curious, you allow yourself to be open to new possibilities that could expand your sexual repertoire. This can lead to a more pleasurable sex life for you and your partner.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for many different issues (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

There is no sex, nudity or physcial exams in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Erotic Empathy?

The term "erotic empathy" was coined by Canadian psychotherapist Amanda Luterman, founder of the Centre for Erotic Empathy, as she observed couples struggling to understand each other sexually (see my article: Don't Yuk Anybody's Yum).

Developing Erotic Empathy

What is Empathy?

Before delving into the meaning of erotic empathy, let's define the meaning of the word "empathy."

As psychotherapists in training learn early on, empathy is an essential part of working with clients in psychotherapy (see my article: Why is Empathy Important in Therapy?).

Empathy has been defined in many ways and it includes a wide range of experiences. 

Emotion researchers define empathy as the ability to sense other people's emotions and to imagine what other people might be thinking and feeling.

Empathy is the first step in experiencing compassion.

Researchers believe that empathy has an important evolutionary history among mammals for cooperation and survival.

Researchers describe different types of empathy:

• Affective Empathy: The ability to experience sensations and feelings derived from other people's emotions

• Cognitive Empathy (also called Perspective Taking): The ability to identify and understand other people's emotions

What is Erotic Empathy?

Erotic empathy is the ability to communicate your emotional and sexual needs to your partner as well as the ability to understand their needs.  

Developing Erotic Empathy

Erotic empathy does not mean that you do things you don't want to do sexually or that you expect your partner to do things they don't want to do (see my article: What Are the Basic Rules of Sexual Consent?).

But when either of you suggests doing something the other doesn't want to do, erotic empathy means you don't criticize, show contempt or respond with disgust (see my article: How to Improve Your Communication By Avoiding the "4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse").

Why is Erotic Empathy Important in Your Relationship?

Good communication is essential to a healthy relationship.

It's often hard for people to talk about what they want sexually, so if you respond to your partner with criticism, contempt or disgust, you could shut your partner down and make it that much harder for them to talk to you about sex the next time (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Developing Erotic Empathy

Rejecting sexual suggestions without compassion is hurtful to your partner. Feeling rejected, your partner might withdraw emotionally and sexually from you (see my article: Coping With Sexual Rejection From Your Partner).

The outcome could be that you both get stuck in a rut following the same boring sex script indefinitely (see my article: What is Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships?).

And just like you probably wouldn't want to eat your favorite meal every day from now until forever, you would get tired of engaging in the same sexual acts all the time (see my article: How to Change Your Sex Script).

Clinical Vignette About Erotic Empathy

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed. It illustrates how a couple can learn to develop and use erotic empathy.

Bill and Lena

One day Lena came in the house after doing yard work. Her husband, Bill, gave her a hug and said, "The kids will be out for a few hours. Let's have sex."  

Inwardly, Lena groaned. She felt sweaty and dirty from doing yard work. Having sex while she felt this way was the last thing she wanted to do so she told him, "Forget it! How could you even suggest having sex while I'm such a mess."  

Then she saw the hurt look on his face, but she didn't know what to say, so she left the room to take a shower.  

While she was showering, she had time to think and she felt badly about rejecting Bill. She thought she should talk to him about it, but when she went back into the living room, she saw Bill was on his computer finishing up some work.  When he didn't look up when she walked into the room, she took that as a sign that he didn't want to talk and she went to the kitchen to start dinner.  

After a few more incidents like this, Bill stopped initiating sex and Lena felt too uncomfortable initiating.  As a result, months went by and neither of them felt comfortable initiating sex or even bringing up the topic.  

Then, one day, after feeling increasingly uncomfortable, Lena blurted out that they should attend sex therapy because their sex life had become nonexistent, and Bill agreed.

Their sex therapist helped them to understand their feelings and why it was so hard for them to talk about sex.  

She also helped them to develop erotic empathy for each other so that, instead of rejecting each other sexually, they learned to start by being open and getting curious.  

After they went over the incident with their sex therapist where Lena rejected Bill, they learned a different way to communicate with each other.

Lena said, "I realize how I responded to Bill was hurtful. The truth is I enjoy sex with Bill, but I just felt so dirty and smelly that I needed to take a shower.  I wish I would've told him, 'I would love to have sex with you. Let me take a shower first and then let's meet in the bedroom.'"  Then, turning to Bill, she said, "I'm sorry I rejected you. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

As Bill turned towards Lena and put his arm around her, he said, "I wouldn't have minded if you were dirty and smelly. I think it might've even been a turn-on for me, but I understand you didn't feel comfortable, so I would've been happy to wait while you took a shower. I'm sorry I didn't understand how you were feeling."

As part of their sex therapy homework, Bill and Lena practiced developing erotic empathy with each other as part of improving their communication.

As part of expanding their sexual repertoire, over time, Lena and Bill learned to overcome their shame and discomfort with talking about sex so they could communicate more effectively with each other and expand their sexual repertoire (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script: The Beginning Phase - Sexual Arousal).

At one point, their sex therapist gave them a Yes, No, Maybe list to see what sexual activities they both would like to add to their sexual repertoire.  

The list had over 100 sexual activities with a scale of 0-5 with 0 indicating no interest, 5 indicating a strong interest and the rest of the scale being a spectrum indicating various degrees of interest or disinterest (see my article: Creating Your Sexual Menu With a Yes, No, Maybe List).

Each of them filled it out separately and then brought their filled out list to their next sex therapy session.  

Their sex therapist helped them to start by adding the sexual activities where they both had a strong interest (5 on the Yes, No, Maybe List).

There was a clear understanding that neither of them had to do anything they didn't want to do, but they had to communicate with erotic empathy.

As they included more items from the list as part of their sexual repertoire, they talked about it in their sex therapy sessions.  

There were times when they both enjoyed a sexual activity they explored. There were also other times when one of them enjoyed it and the other one thought they would enjoy it but, once they tried it, they didn't.  

Each time, they learned how to talk about what they liked and disliked with empathy for the other partner.  

After trying all the #5 items on the Yes, Maybe, No list, they talked about the other items from Level #4 and below.  

At times, it was challenging, but they maintained their sense of openness and curiosity and respected each other's decisions.

Throughout this process, their sex life became more satisfying for both of them.

How to Develop Erotic Empathy

• Develop a Sense of Openness: To start, learn to cultivate a sense of openness about understanding your own and your partner's sexual turn-ons.  Start by understanding your own erotic blueprint.  You can explore your own sexual pleasure through pleasure mapping.  This kind of openness can be difficult if you experience sexual shame and guilt for personal, interpersonal or cultural reasons. Choose your discussion time wisely. Don't try to have a talk about sex when you're tired, rushed or when you don't have privacy. Choose a time when you're both relaxed but not when you're about to have sex because that will cause too much pressure. So, for instance, you can both be sitting on the couch and enjoying each other's company when you bring the discussion.

• Get Curious About Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Turn-ons: Along with a sense of openness, a sense of curiosity also helps you talk to your partner about what each of you would like. Instead of automatically rejecting your partner's sexual suggestions, ask your partner what s/he likes about a particular sexual activity. If you each understand what makes this sexual act appealing, you might be more willing to try it or, if not, you might come up with a compromise that you both might like and get just as turned on by it (see my article: Getting to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Brakes and Accelerators).

Developing Erotic Empathy

• Get to Know Your Own and Your Partner's Sexual Turn-offs: Sexual turn-offs can change to turn-ons for some people after they give it a try.  But if not, you each need to respect the other's wishes. So, for instance, if you know you need a little time to decompress after coming home from a stressful day at work, let your partner know this. Be as specific as you can about what you need so your partner will understand. In the same vein, learn to appreciate your partner's needs. Be aware that stress can be a libido killer, so take steps to reduce stress.

• Learn to Experiment and Develop a Willingness to Try New Sexual Activities: As long as it's not a complete turn-off, try to learn to be sexually explorative for sexual activities you and your partner can try. Sometimes you might discover you don't like a particular activity, but at other times you might discover something else that's new to add to your sexual repertoire.

• Know That Discrepancies in Libido Are Normal: You wouldn't expect that you and your partner would always like the same food or the same hobbies, so why would you expect that you would both enjoy the same sexual activities in bed?  Discrepancies in libido are the #1 problem that people in relationships seek help with in sex therapy because one or both partners are unhappy with either the frequency, duration or type of sex they're having. But discrepancies in libido are normal, and you can learn to negotiate these differences with help from a sex therapist (see my article: What is a Sexual Libido Discrepancy in a Relationship?).

• Learn the Difference Between Spontaneous Sexual Desire and Responsive Sexual Desire: Both men and women can experience spontaneous sexual desire or responsive sexual desire. With spontaneous sexual desire, a person can think about sex and get turned on. With responsive sexual desire, a person might have to start having sex to get turned on, but they know from personal experience that once they start having sex, they will get sexually aroused. So, it's important to know how you and your partner each experience sexual desire. If you're the person who tends to experience responsive desire, rather than saying "no" when your partner wants to have sex because you're not immediately turned on, you can explore your own willingness to allow yourself to get sexually aroused after you begin having sex. And if you're the partner who experiences spontaneous desire, you can learn to be patient and allow your partner's sexual desire to build (see my article: For People Who Experience Responsive Sexual Desire, a Willingness to Start Having Sex is Often Enough to Get Sexually Aroused).

• Get Help in Sex Therapy: If you have tried to work on sexual problems on your own and you haven't been successful, you can seek help in sex therapy.  Most individual therapists and couples therapists aren't trained to deal with sexual problems, so you need to seek help specifically from a sex therapist for sexual problems.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.