How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

What is Autopilot Mode?

Autopilot is also known clinically as "cognitive disengagement."

Living on autopilot happens when you live your life based on routines, habits and external expectations instead of making conscious and intentional choices.

Getting stuck in autopilot is a common problem (see my article: How to Get Out of a Rut).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

Many people just go through life disengaged and without joy--just going through the motions.

To stop living your life on autopilot, you can start by making small intentional changes to break repetitive pattens so you can re-engage with your life.

What Are Signs That You're Stuck in Autopilot?

• You follow the same routines every day without awareness or conscious choice.

• You lose touch with what you used to enjoy because you're just trying to "get through the day"

• You numb yourself with distractions including social media, TV and busywork.

Examples of Living on Autopilot

• Maria: Maria lived her life based on a set routine: Wake up, make coffee, cook, clean, take care of the kids. The next day she would repeat the same routines. Weekends were basically the same. She did this day after day for 10 years before she realized she had a vague sense of dissatisfaction with her life, but she didn't know why.  She began experiencing vague aches and pains so she saw her doctor who ruled out any physical problems. He recommended that she seek help in therapy. Shortly after she began therapy, Maria realized she was living her life on autopilot and she was deeply unhappy with her routines and habits, so she worked with her therapist to break free of her routines so she could live more consciously.

• Steve: Steve felt he had a great job, but in the last few years he was stagnating in his career. He realized he was intentionally avoiding taking on new projects and challenges out of fear of stepping outside his comfort zone.  He also realized that his marriage was stagnating because he and his wife had drifted into set routines where they would spend the evening either zoning out in front of the TV or on their phones. As he became more self aware, he also realized his wife was drinking a lot, but he couldn't pinpoint when this began because they were both living their lives on autopilot. So, they each sought help in individual therapy as well as couples therapy so they could break free of their routines and develop new interests separately and apart. After a while, his wife realized she was drinking out of a sense of boredom and she stopped.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Interrupt the Pattern: Put down your phone and try something new. Start small with one particular habit and branch out from there. For instance, if you always eat cornflakes for breakfast, try something new. Be present and in the moment while eating or doing other tasks (see my article: Breaking Habits With Pattern Interruptions).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Approach Routines With Mindfulness: Instead of zoning out while you're doing the dishes or doing other routine tasks, slow down and engage your five senses--sight, sound, smell, touch and, if applicable, taste. When you become more aware, routine tasks become a lot less routine (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).

• Think About What You Really Want to Do: Instead of focusing on what you think you should do or what's expected of you, ask yourself what you want to do. Try journaling to self reflect and see what comes up.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Get Curious: Autopilot keeps you zoned out. So, getting curious about something you're interested in helps to counteract autopilot tendencies. Maybe you've always been curious about Impressionist painters, learning a new language or doing improv. Allow yourself to be open to new experiences--even if it feels a little scary at first (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Seek Novelty: Instead of relying on old habits and routines, be aware that autopilot thrives on habit and sameness. So, try something new. Join a book club or join a new discussion group to allow yourself to get motivated and inspired.

Get Help in Therapy

Living on autopilot might have felt safe at some point in your life. Maybe you felt comforted by routines and habits because you didn't have to think or feel. 

Getting Help in Therapy

But if you feel you're stagnating in life and you're unable to break free on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has helped clients to overcome this problem.

There might also be deeper reasons why you're stuck in autopilot including unresolved trauma.

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to live your life with intention and purpose which will make your life more meaningful.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

Carl Jung, the Swiss psychoanalyst, popularized the concept of the "shadow self." He believed that everyone has a shadow self that conflicts with an ideal version of how they want to see themselves. 

In this article I'm focusing on identifying the shadow self and the benefits of understanding and integrating those parts instead of trying to suppress them (see my article: What You Resist Persists: The More You Resist What You Don't Like About Yourself the More It Persists).

What is the Shadow Self?

The shadow self consists of the parts of yourself, including thoughts, feelings and behavior, that you find difficult to accept because these parts don't fit with how you think you "should" be.

Embracing Your Shadow Self

The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is an example of how someone, who doesn't embrace his shadow self, experiences a strong internal conflict. 

Dr. Jekyll attempts to split off the parts of himself that he feels are evil. These parts turn into Mr. Hyde. The more he tries to suppress his shadow self, the more powerful it becomes until it becomes all encompassing.

Here is a modern day example:  A woman believes she should always be a loving daughter towards her mean and critical mother. Whenever resentment towards her mother comes into her awareness, she tries to suppress it because it doesn't fit in with how she believes an ideal daughter should feel towards her mother. 

The more she tries to suppress her resentment, the more unhappy and anxious she becomes because it takes increasing effort to suppress these feelings. And, since she can't completely suppress her resentment towards her mother, her anger comes out unexpectedly in ways that make her feel ashamed and guilty afterwards.

Sometimes when her anger towards her mother is strong, she displaces it onto her husband and children. Other times she snaps at coworkers. And, when her mother is especially critical of her, she is shocked by how she eventually loses her temper with her mother.  Then, she feels remorse, shame and guilt, and she redoubles her efforts to suppress her anger, and the cycle continues.

How to Embrace Your Shadow Self

Since everyone has a shadow self and suppressing it only makes you feel worse, learning to embrace your shadow self is important for your mental health and sense of well-being.

Shadow work involves gently bringing these split off and disowned parts of yourself into your awareness (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious and Discovering and Giving Voice to Disowned Parts of Yourself).

Embracing Your Shadow Self: Making the Unconscious Conscious

The following suggestions can be helpful to embrace your shadow self:

• Get Curious: Instead of having a negative and judgmental attitude towards disowned parts of yourself, get curious about them. An open curious attitude can help these parts to emerge into your consciousness.

• Meditate: Mindfulness Meditation is a good way to observe your thoughts and feelings in a nonjudgmental way.

• Write in a Journal: Journaling allows you to transfer your thoughts and feelings from your mind onto paper. It helps to concretize the many different parts of yourself so that you can reflect on them. As part of journaling, you can ask yourself:

• What were you taught as a child about the parts of yourself you find difficult to accept now?

• As a child, were you allowed to express these aspects of yourself or were you punished for it?

• If you weren't allowed to express these thoughts and feelings, what did you do with them? 

• Are your current negative thoughts and feelings about yourself and/or a significant relationship in your life?

• What type of people or situations trigger negative feelings in you? Are these feelings related to aspects of yourself that you consider to be unacceptable?

• Get Help From a Therapist Who Does Parts Work: Parts work, like Ego States Therapy, is designed to help you to identify and integrate all the parts of yourself including the ones you find challenging to accept. Ego States Therapy allows you to develop an accepting attitude towards all parts of yourself so that these parts can coexist together. In Ego States Therapy, you learn that the parts of you that you want to disown often have a protective intention but, because they remain split off and unintegrated, they can come up in unhealthy ways. You also learn that by having an internal dialog with those parts, they can serve you in healthy ways (see my article: How Parts Work Helps to Empower You).

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with parts of yourself you find difficult to accept, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Parts Work, like Ego States Therapy, can help you to identify and, eventually, accept the parts of yourself with compassion.  

By maintaining an internal dialog with these parts, you learn to develop these parts into healthy aspects of yourself.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist who does Parts Work so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Ego States and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?

The words "fear" and "anxiety" are often used interchangeably.  While fear and anxiety often occur together, they're not the same.

What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?
While fear is an emotional response to a known threat, anxiety is more of a vague feeling of apprehension.  Anxiety can also be a response to an unknown threat.  

For instance, with regard to fear, if someone approaches you in an aggressive and menacing way, your response will be one of fear.  This person is a specific, real, present and immediate possible danger.

What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?

Anxiety is often about an anticipated event.  

For instance, if you're afraid of flying and you have an upcoming flight, you will probably feel anxious about the upcoming flight.  When you're on the plane, you will experience fear because it's happening in the here and now.

The distinctions between fear and anxiety might be subtle, but it will help you to be able t distinguish the difference.

Symptoms of Anxiety:
Anxiety can cause some or all of the following symptoms:

• muscle pain and tension
• headaches
• insomnia
• chest pain
• excessive sweating
• shaking and trembling
• racing heart
• upset stomach
• irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
• panic
• dizziness
• feeling faint

Fear can cause anxiety and vice versa.

Fear and Anxiety Produce a Stress Response
Both fear and anxiety produce the fight or flight response.  The reason this is an important automatic response is because if you were in real danger, this response would help you to survive.

For instance, if you were on a path and you saw a snake, your automatic response would be to jump away before you even thought about it.  In times of danger, you don't want to stop to think--you need to react quickly to protect yourself.  Even a microsecond can make a difference in a dangerous situation.

On the other hand, if, after you had the flight response, you realized that what you thought was a snake was actually a stick, your body would start to calm down because you no longer need to flee.

There is also the freeze response which occurs when you can neither fight nor flee (see my article: Overcoming the Freeze Response).

Self Help Tips For Coping With Fear and Anxiety
There are certain things that you can do to overcome fear and anxiety.  See my articles:

Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety
Learning to Stay Calm During Stressful Times
Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times
Self Care: Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself
The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation
Self Reflection and Basic Mindfulness
Research Shows That Meditation Can Change Your Brain
Learning to Relax: Square Breathing
Staying Calm When You're in the Middle of Chaos
Finding Moments of Peace During Stressful Times
Self Soothing Techniques to Use When You're Feeling Distressed
Learning to Relax: Going on an Internal Retreat
Discovering the Quiet Place Within Yourself

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're suffering with chronic fear or anxiety, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience helping clients to overcome fear and anxiety (see my articles: Psychotherapy For Anxiety Disorders and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could learn how to overcome your fear or anxiety, so you could lead a calmer, more peaceful life with a sense of well-being.

If your fear and anxiety is related to unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a psychotherapist who specializes in treating trauma.

A trauma therapist is a licensed psychotherapist who is specialist trained specifically in helping clients to overcome both trauma related to one-time events as well as developmental trauma, which is repeated trauma and loss from childhood. 

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT for couples,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to overcome their fear and anxiety (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself

Do you have negative stories you tell yourself about who you are? 

If you do, you're not alone. These stories are shaped by your experiences and they also shape your perception of yourself.  So, if the narrative you are telling yourself is negative, you're likely to believe these distortions.

See my articles: 

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Change Distorted Thinking

5 Steps For Challenging Distorted Negative Thoughts About Yourself

Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

In Mark Epstein's books,  Going on Being and The Zen of Psychotherapy, he discusses the negative narratives his clients often cling to and how it affects their perspective of themselves.  He discusses this based on the intersection of psychotherapy and Buddhism.  However, to benefit from these concepts, you don't have to believe in Buddhism or even be a spiritual person.

How Do Personal Narratives Develop?

Personal narratives are developed through your early experiences even before you have any awareness of them and the effect they have on you.  This means they are often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Personal narratives are often impacted by the hopes and fears your parents had for you if they projected these stories onto you. Then, you take them in on a deep level even before you are aware of it.

For instance, if you grew up with parents who told you that you could strive to accomplish whatever you want, all other things being equal, you will most likely grow up feeling self confident and entitled to pursue your dreams.  

But if you grew up in a family where your parents believed the world is a dangerous place  and you shouldn't expect too much in your life, you will probably feel anxious and scared to pursue your dreams or you might not even allow yourself to have personal hopes and dreams. (see my article: Overcoming the Effects of Childhood Trauma).

Becoming Aware of Your Personal Narrative

Before you can change your personal narrative, you need to become aware of the stories you are telling yourself (see my article: Developing Self Awareness and Making Personal Changes).

This can be challenging because, as previously mentioned, these old stories develop so early and they become ingrained in you.  Over time, you might have even come to develop a strong identification with these stories--so much so you don't experience any separation between the stories you are telling yourself and who you really are. So, you need to have a way of observing your personal narrative.  

Many people find mindfulness meditation to be an effective way to observe and become aware of the thoughts and emotions.

When you begin a mindfulness practice, you might find yourself distracted by irrelevant thoughts and other distractions.  But if you continue to develop your mindfulness practice over time and you can let go of self judgment, you can begin to notice and question these negative perceptions.

People often think they aren't supposed to have unrelated thoughts during mindfulness meditation, but your thoughts will automatically come.  Rather than expecting not to have thoughts or trying to suppress these thoughts, just observe them and then let them go as if they could float away on a cloud.

Changing the Stories You Tell Yourself About Who You Are

Awareness is the first step.  

Are you happy with what you have observed?  Is this what you want for yourself?

After you become aware of an old negative narrative, you can attempt to step outside your experience to question whether this narrative is true and ask yourself where it came from (see my article: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How Your Past Affects You Now).

It's not unusual for there to be unconscious reasons for maintaining and reinforcing negative stories based on your fears about change.  There might be an unconscious belief that by maintaining the status quo, you are keeping yourself "safe."  But playing it "safe" can also keep you stuck (see my article: Are Your Core Beliefs Keeping You Stuck?).

Journaling about what came up in your meditation is helpful in terms of making sense of and questioning your thoughts and emotions about yourself.

Where is the evidence for the negative stories you are telling yourself?  

Can you consider other alternatives?

Rewriting Your Personal Narrative

What if you write a new narrative that is closer to your authentic self and you step into that narrative to see how that change feels (see my article: Becoming Your True Self)?

Rewriting your narrative doesn't mean you tell yourself you had a wonderful childhood if you didn't. That would be a false narrative.

Instead, acknowledge your negative memories, write about them and, without negating the traumatic impact they had on you, also look at what you might have gained from these experiences so you can begin to reframe them in a larger perspective.  

For instance, in addition to the adversity and emotional pain, did you learn anything of value from them?  Did you develop strengths as a result of these struggles?

When you discover and acknowledge the strengths you developed as a result of these experiences, you can begin to see your personal narrative with a new expanded perspective.

Overcoming Trauma That Affects Your Perception of Yourself

When you are struggling with unresolved trauma you developed early in your life, you might be too overwhelmed by emotional triggers and related thoughts and emotions you developed from the trauma.

Although you can still look at your personal narrative in a larger perspective, when your trauma symptoms are active, you will probably need the help of a therapist who is a trauma specialist to help you overcome these symptoms and the related negative personal stories you tell yourself (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

In the next article, I'll expand on this discussion: How a Negative Personal Narrative Develops From Unresolved Trauma and How Trauma Therapy Can Help).

Getting Help in Therapy

By definition, trauma is overwhelming.

If you are struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a licensed mental health professional who helps clients to overcome trauma.

Freeing Yourself From Effects of Your Traumatic History

Freeing yourself from the effects of your traumatic history can change how you feel about yourself and allow you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences

In the past, I've discussed exploring your sexual fantasies as a way to discover what you like sexually.  In this article, I'm offering a writing exercise to delve deeper to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Discovering Your Erotic Self, Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Shame and Guilt, 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Women's Sexual Self Discovery).

Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences

For many people thinking about peak sexual experiences (or any sexual experiences) is easier said than done. Shame and guilt, which are often related to religious or cultural taboos or to a strict upbringing where sex wasn't discussed, are often major obstacles (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

As a result, many individuals don't allow themselves to have sexual fantasies or if they realize they're having a sexual fantasy, they shut it down before the fantasy has time to develop.  So, in situations like this, the process of sexual self discovery can involve seeking help in therapy (see the section below on Getting Help in Therapy).

Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences

Assuming you feel comfortable enough to explore what you want sexually, one way to begin this exploration is by thinking back to sexual experiences or fantasies you've had in the past to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Reviving Your Sex Life By Learning About Your Peak Sexual Experiences and The 2021 Self Pleasure Survey).

As I mentioned in my prior article, Dr. Jack Morin, who wrote The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, recommends remembering your peak sexual experiences as one way to discover what you like sexually.

Thinking back to memories of peak sexual experiences allows you to define and explore what you enjoyed sexually.  

Writing about it in a journal, which you keep in a private place, allows you to delve deeper to provide yourself with more details about these experiences.

What Were Your Most Satisfying Sexual Experiences?

Take your time to think about these memories and when you write about them, give as much detail as possible on each one, including:

• What was the situation?

• Who were you with?

• Where were you?

• What sexual activities were you engaged in at the time (be specific)?

• What got you sexually turned on?

• What were you thinking?

• What were you feeling emotionally?

What sensations were you experiencing?

• What did you see?
• What did you hear? 
• What did you feel (physical sensations)
• What did you smell?
• What did you taste?

If you're having problems remembering the details, one way you can enhance your memories is by listening to music from that time.  

Sound can be evocative.  For instance, if your memories are from a different time in your life, what were some of the songs you liked listening to at that time?

Similarly, smell can be evocative.  For example, if you or your partner in your memory wore a certain cologne or aftershave, smelling that scent can bring you back to that memory in a deeper way.  Another example of scent could be your partner's personal scent.

After you've written down your peak sexual experiences, read them to yourself to get a sense of whether there are particular themes.

Making connections between themes you discover in your memories can give you more information about what you like.

For instance, according to Dr. Morin, sexual attraction plus obstacles often lead to sexual excitement, so think about whether there were particular obstacles to overcome or a forbidden  quality to any of these experiences that made these experiences exciting.

I'll continue to discuss this topic in my next article.

Getting Help in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, many people find it hard to think about their past sexual experiences due to strong inhibitions or a history of trauma.

If you're struggling with conflicting emotions about sex, a history of trauma or other experiences that are keeping you from exploring your sexual desires, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience with these issues.

Overcoming emotional obstacles can free you from your history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How to Make Your Psychotherapy Sessions a Part of Your Life Between Sessions

In an earlier article, Getting the Most Out of Your Psychotherapy Sessions, I addressed certain issues related to starting therapy, including: different types of therapy, how to choose a psychotherapist, ethical issues in therapy, and so on.  In this article, I'm expanding upon a topic that I began discussing in that article and a subsequent article, which is how to make your psychotherapy sessions a part of your life between sessions.

How to Make Your Psychotherapy Sessions a Part of Your Life Between Sessions

What Comes Up in a Psychotherapy Session Doesn't End When You Walk Out of Your Therapist's Office
Psychotherapy is a process.  It's not like taking a pill to make your headache go away.  Things unfold over time.

Many psychotherapy clients, especially clients who are new to therapy, leave their psychotherapist's office at the end of the session and immediately divert their attention to something else.   As a result, they become distracted and forget what they discussed in their session.

When clients forget what was discussed in their therapy sessions, the therapy sessions are relegated to a specific time and place rather than being a part of the rest of their life.  They leave behind whatever "pearls" they gained in therapy, and they will probably need to go over the same material again and again to remember those "pearls."

While I understand that people are busy these days, I recommend that clients take time after each session to reflect on what came up in session and any thoughts, feelings, memories, dreams or daydreams that might come up as a result of the session.

One way to keep your therapy sessions alive and to integrate it into the rest of your life is to write in a journal soon after the session is over.

This doesn't have to be a time-consuming process and the journal entries don't need to be long.

How to Make Your Psychotherapy Sessions a Part of Your Life Between Sessions

Writing After Your Therapy Sessions:

• Enables You to Reflect on Your Session:  A therapy hour is a relatively short period of time as compared with the rest of your life, especially if you're attending therapy once a week.  It's easy to lose awareness of whatever you gained in that session if you don't take the time to reflect on it and write it down.  There might also be things that come up for you between sessions--a memory, a dream, a question about what your therapist said, something you didn't understand or something that bothered in you in the session (see my article: How to Talk to Your Psychotherapist About Something That's Bothering You in Therapy).  If you don't write these things down, you're likely to forget them.

• Creates an Increased Awareness of How You're Changing (or Not Changing):  When you spend time reflecting on and writing about your therapy sessions, you can develop an increased awareness of how you're changing (or not changing) in therapy over time.  This doesn't mean that you can expect big transformations in only a few sessions but, over time, you would benefit from assessing your progress in therapy.

• Enables You to See Where You Might Be Creating Obstacles For Yourself: It's common that when people come to therapy because they want to make changes in their life, they experience a certain amount of ambivalence about making those changes.  Change can be challenging, even if people really want it--especially if people really want it because there's more at stake.  Due to their fear of change, many clients often unconsciously create obstacles for themselves in therapy and in other areas of their life.  By capturing thoughts and feelings in a journal, clients can see over time if they're repeating certain self defeating patterns that are getting in the way of their psychological growth (see my article: Making Changes: Are You Creating Obstacles For Yourself in Therapy Without Even Realizing It?).

• Allows You to Take Your Share of the Responsibility For Your Therapy:  As I mentioned in an earlier article, psychotherapy is a co-created process between the client and the therapist.  There are certain parts of therapy that your therapist is responsible for including providing an emotionally safe environment for you to open up in therapy (see my article: How Psychotherapists Create a "Holding Environment" in Therapy).  But there are also aspects of your therapy are your responsibility. As mentioned above, if you're creating obstacles for yourself by not doing your part in therapy, like doing homework between sessions (if your therapist gives homework), then you're not taking responsibility for your part in therapy.  If you're keeping a journal, you can see how often this occurs, own it, discuss with your therapist, and change it.

• Increases Your Awareness of How Your Unconscious Mind Continues the Process :  Even when you don't consciously reflect on your psychotherapy sessions, the work continues to be done between sessions in your unconscious mind.  You might dream or daydream about something you spoke about in therapy or a thought suddenly pops into your mind, not so coincidentally, that is related to a discussion you had with your therapist.  Your dreams, daydreams, thoughts and feelings are important.  They reveal how your unconscious mind is continuing to process the material.  If you don't journal about it, you will have a harder time making these psychological connections.  

• Increases Your Awareness of the Different Parts of Yourself: In an earlier article, I discussed self states as parts of yourself that are constantly shifting. When you spend time writing in your journal between therapy sessions, you can see how the various parts of yourself affect you, which parts come to the surface in different situations and how these parts interact to help or hinder you (see my article: How Your Shifting Self States Affect You For Better or Worse).

• Helps You to Develop Increased Awareness About How Life Around You is Always Changing: There's an old saying by the ancient Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, which is "You could not step twice in the same river."  The significance of that quote is that, just as the river is ever flowing and never the same, life is ever changing.  If you take the time to write about it, you will gain a new perspective and appreciation for how life is constantly changing.

Heraclitus: You Cannot Step Twice in the Same River

• Provides You With a Personal Record About Yourself Over Time:  It's easy to forget how you were when you began therapy.  Your therapist can help you to gain insight into how you were at the start of therapy as compared to how you are now.  In addition, if you keep a journal about your experiences in therapy, you will have a personal record about yourself over time.

Conclusion:
As I mentioned earlier, the therapeutic process doesn't end when you walk out of your psychotherapist's office.

You're spending valuable time and money for your therapy sessions, so if you want to get the most from your therapy, take the time to reflect on your sessions and write down whatever comes up for you.

By taking the time to keep a journal about your sessions and whatever comes up between sessions, your therapy will become integrated in your life and you will get much more out of your sessions.

Not only will keeping a journal between sessions allow you to be more self reflective and aware of your own psychological process, it will also help you to develop new insights into yourself and the direction you want your therapy and your life to take going forward.

Getting Help in Therapy
Attending psychotherapy is a unique experience (see my article: Psychotherapy: A Unique Intersubjective Experience).

It takes courage to seek help in therapy and to change (see my article: Developing the Courage to Change).

Whether you want to gain psychological insight into yourself, make changes in your life or work through a traumatic experience, working with a skilled psychotherapist can be a life-changing experience (see my articles: (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

The first step, which is making a phone call to set up a therapy consultation, is usually the hardest step, but it can also be the first step to transforming your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Grief: You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents After They Die

Continuing with the theme of losing both parents from my prior article, Grief: The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents, I want to expand on a subject that I began in that article, namely, how you continue to have a relationship with your parents even after they die (see my articles: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Common Reactions, Grief in Waiting, and Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

Grief: You Continue to Have a Relationship With Your Parents After They Die

When I refer to continuing to have a relationship with your parents after their deaths, I'm referring to what goes on in your inner world.

Whether you had a great relationship with your parents or whether you had a terrible relationship, you continue to develop your relationship with them in your mind.

Most people feel grief for their parents death whether their relationship was good or not.

If the relationship wasn't good, you grieve for what you never got and for what you'll never get once they're gone.

If the relationship was good, you grieve that they're not in your life any more and you'll never have that again.

There are certain things that you might not have appreciated about your parents and their experiences because of your lack of life experience at the time and the life stage that you were in.

You might remember your parents telling you, "You'll understand this when you're older" and that's often the case.

Often, when you become the age that your parents were, you can look back and usually have a better understanding of them and what they were going through.

Similarly, after both parents die and you go through the grieving process, even though your parents aren't on this Earth any more, you continue to develop your understanding of them and your internal relationship with them.

Fictional Clinical Vignette - Continuing to Have a Relationship With Your Parent After They Die:

Sandy
Sandy's parents died within a year of each other.

Sandy's parents came to the United States to escape Nazi oppression, leaving their parents and older siblings behind.

Sandy's mother would often talk about the mother and siblings she left behind, showing Sandy their pictures and telling her stories about the family.

When Sandy was younger, she didn't understand why her mother kept telling her the same stories over and over again.  She would get exasperated and think to herself, "Oh no, another story about Aunt Helen."

Now that both of Sandy's parents were gone, Sandy would often look at her parents' pictures and the pictures of relatives who were left in Europe, many of whom died during the Holocaust.

After the loss of both of her parents, Sandy understood why her mother told these stories so often--she missed her family and she was traumatized by their loss.  Sandy now also understood that her mother also felt guilty about leaving her family behind.

In the same way that her mother used to look at those pictures with such grief, Sandy now looked at pictures of her parents with grief.

She wished that her parents were still around.  She had so many questions that she never asked them that she would now like to know.  But parents and anyone else who could have answered these questions were now dead.

Sandy showed her daughter, Nina, pictures of her parents and grandparents, but Nina seemed bored.

Sandy understood that Nina would be bored when Sandy showed her the pictures--much the same way that Sandy had been bored when her mother talked to her about the relatives in Europe.  Nina would rather be out with her friends.

When Sandy tried to talk to her husband about her parents, he listened for a while, but then he couldn't hear it any more and he would tell her to "Stop being morbid."

Her friends also told Sandy that it was already a year since her mother, the last parent to die, passed away and Sandy needed to "move on" with her life.

Feeling very lonely and misunderstood, Sandy decided to talk to a therapist about her grief.  Her doctor referred her to a therapist who specialized in grief work, and Sandy began attending sessions the next week.

Sandy was relieved that her therapist understood what she was going through and told her that her experiences were a normal part of grieving.

When it came time for Nina to move out of state for a job, Sandy remembered how upset her mother had been when she moved out of state.

At the time, Sandy couldn't wait to start her new life, and she felt impatient with her mother for "making a big deal out of it."

Now that Sandy was going through this with Nina, Sandy understood how her mother felt.  She knew now that her mother's feelings about Sandy going away were complicated by her mother's grief about the loss of her family.

Understanding this now, Sandy felt closer to her mother than ever.  She only wished that her mother could be here now so she could tell her.  She regretted that she had been so impatient with her mother at the time.

Talking to her therapist about her new insights into her mother was a relief because her therapist understood and told her that this is a common experience that people go through after they've lost both parents.

Her therapist talked to Sandy about how everyone continues to have a relationship with their parents even after they have died--regardless of their religious beliefs or whether they believe in an afterlife or not.

Her therapist recommended that Sandy use a journal between sessions to write about her feelings (see my articles: Writing to Cope With Grief and The Benefits of Journal Writing Between Therapy Sessions).

Her therapist told her that this continuing internal relationship would continue through the various stages in her life.

Over time, Sandy found this to be true.  She would often think of her parents when she went through major changes in her life, and she felt she understood them better and internalized them in a deeper way as time went on.  This helped her with the grieving process.

Conclusion
You continue to have a relationship with your parents in your inner world after they die.

Going through the various stages in your life, it's not unusual to think about your parents when they went through similar stages and realize that you now understand what you couldn't understand before.

Mourning the death of parents is a process that doesn't end immediately after they're gone.  It can continue in various ways for the rest of your life as you develop new insights into them based on your own experiences.

Many people, including spouses, family members and close friends, aren't comfortable talking about death, grief and mourning.  They might be afraid of the day when their parents are both gone or they might be afraid to think about their own mortality, so you can feel lonely and misunderstood by them.

Getting Help in Therapy
A skilled psychotherapist can help you through the mourning process as well as help you to understand how you continue to develop relationships with your parents even after they're gone (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Losing parents often changes how you see yourself, your parents and how you look at life.  Going through this process alone (or with people who don't understand) can be difficult.

Rather than trying to cope with this on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

With help from a psychotherapist, you can learn to integrate these experiences so you can feel a greater sense of well-being over time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through their grief and integrate their ongoing inner world experiences of their parents.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Living With Uncertainty

I've written prior articles about excessive worrying.

See my articles: 

How to Stop Worrying: What is Chronic Worrying?

Steps You Can Take to Stop Worrying

Overcoming Anticipatory Anxiety

Learning to Stay Calm During Uncertain Times 

Are You Catastrophizing?).  

In this article, I'm focusing on living with uncertainty because so many people are talking about worrying, checking the news several times a day, getting alerts on their phone, and so on.

Living With Uncertainty

To a certain extent, we all live with a degree of uncertainty all the time--whether we're aware of it or not.

When we feel more vulnerable and fragile in our personal lives, we might be more aware of the possibility of uncertainty than at others times when we're feeling confident and positive.

Coping Strategies For Living With Uncertainty

Practice Living in the Moment:
When you feel particularly vulnerable about things that you have no control over (e.g., nuclear war, a sudden economic downturn, etc), a good strategy is to recognize that your thoughts might be running away with you and bring yourself back to the present (see my article: Being in the Present Moment).

Ask yourself, "Am I alright right now?"

If the answer is "Yes," then you know that you're racing ahead in your mind and worrying about things which may or may not happen, and worrying about it won't help.

One of the reasons why I like mindfulness is because when you practice mindfulness, you keep bringing your mind back to the present instead of dwelling on uncertain possibilities (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

And while you can't always live in the present moment, if you spend some time each day--even if it's just five minutes--practicing mindfulness, you'll probably feel a lot calmer.

Be Aware of Your Thought Patterns
Do you have a tendency to project your worries and fears into the future?

Ask yourself how many times you've done this in the past and how often these worries materialized into problems.

If you're like most people that tend to worry, you'll realize that most of the time your worries came to nothing, and you might have worked yourself up into a frazzled state thinking about everything that could go wrong.

Write About Your Worries and Fears
There's something about writing, especially when you're worried, that helps to concretize and externalize your thoughts and feelings (see my article: Journal Writing Can Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

Rather than allowing yourself to ruminate about your worries, when you write and then read what you wrote, you tend to question the negative assumptions that you make.

After a while, you realize, once again, that you have a particular thought pattern that is getting in your way.  It might be that you've engaged in this pattern of thinking for many years--possibly since childhood.  Maybe one or both of your parents tended to catastrophize and you learned to do it too.

Be Selective About Watching News or Monitoring Social Media
Broadcast news tends to sensationalize the news in order to get the public's attention and high ratings.

Be selective about the kind of news that you watch so that you're not getting frightened and alarmed on a daily basis.

You might even want to take a break from broadcast news for a while--possibly read a quality newspaper instead which doesn't attempt to sensationalize the news.  You might discover that you're a lot calmer.

The same goes for social media.  There are some sites that are constantly pumping out sensationalized news to get your "clicks."

Ask yourself what it might be like not to monitor the news on social media all the time.

Think About What You Can Do to Feel Empowered
One of the things that I keep hearing is that people feel so disempowered about things that are going on in the world.

While it's true that you're probably not going to be the negotiator for world peace, maybe there are things that you can do that will help you to feel empowered, like volunteering for an organization or cause that is important to you.

Even if you don't have time to volunteer, maybe you can make a phone call to your city councilperson or senator about an issue that's important to you.

Taking action can be empowering.

Getting Help in Therapy
There are times when the world around you can trigger certain emotional vulnerabilities that you have (see my articles: You Can't Change Your Past, But You Can Change How the Past Affects You, Psychotherapy to Overcome Your Past Childhood Trauma, Overcoming Trauma When the Past is in the Present, Understanding Why You're Affected by Trauma That Happened a Long Time Ago, and Coping With Trauma: Becoming Aware of Emotional Triggers).

The strategies that I mentioned above can be helpful, but if you keep getting triggered, this is usually a sign that there are underlying issues that need to be resolved.

One of the benefits of psychotherapy is that it can free you from your history so you can live your life unencumbered by problems from the past (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to work through these issues so that you don't keep getting triggered.

When you're free from a traumatic history, you're free to live your life in a calmer, more meaningful way.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.