Focusing on Your Personal Strengths to Cope With Stressful Times

Most people tend to focus on what they consider their weaknesses and forget to consider their personal strengths.  When they go through stressful times, focusing on where they feel deficient makes it much more stressful for them.  

In this article, I'm proposing that focusing on your personal strengths will help you more during difficult times.  For this article, I'm using the terms "personal strengths" and "internal resources" interchangeably (seems article: Discovering Your Personal Strengths and Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills).

Focusing on Your Personal Strength to Cope With Stress

Identifying Your Personal Strengths
Everyone has personal strengths--whether they focus on them or not.

Your personal strengths are what's going to help you to cope with stress--not the areas where you feel deficient.  So, it's important to harness those inner resources to reduce your stress and resolve your problems.

Unfortunately, so many people are unable to identify their personal strengths.  They're so focused on being critical of themselves that they forget all the wonderful qualities that they possess that have gotten them through rough times in the past.

Rather than focusing on their internal resources, they worry and project their fears into the future.  So, not only are they worried about what's happening in the current situation, but they're also projecting and predicting problems in the future--problems that might never come.

If you tend to project negative outcomes, think about all the times when you did this in the past and how often your projections came true.  If you're like most people, your negative projections occurred only a fraction of the time.  That means that you spent a lot of time and effort worrying for no reason.

Should You Completely Ignore Your Weaknesses?
Does this mean that you should completely ignore about your weaknesses?  The short answer is:  No, especially if they're having an adverse effect on your life.

For instance, if your manager tells you that you're doing a great job with most of your responsibilities, but you really need to improve your presentation skills, you're not going to ignore this because it would be detrimental to your job.  You're going to find out what you can do to improve your presentation skills and then do it.

Or, if your spouse tells you that you tend to zone out with your phone when she talks and she would appreciate your being more present, are you going to ignore your wife's request?  No, you're going to make an effort to put down your phone more often so you can be fully present when you talk to each other.

So, I'm not proposing that you only focus exclusively on your strengths all the time without trying to make improvements in the areas where you could stand to improve.  What I'm saying is that many people only focus on their weaknesses, and they could use some balance in their approach.

How to Focus on Your Strengths to Cope With Stressful Times

Think About How You Got Through Difficult Times in the Past
The easiest way to focus on your strengths when you're under stress is to think about past memories  when you succeeded in getting through hard times.

Which inner resources allowed you to get through a challenging time?

Write About the Personal Strengths That Helped You in the Past
If you're struggling to identify the personal strengths that got you through, take a few minutes to write about it.  Writing helps to clarify your thoughts and concretize your ideas.  Don't spend time being critical of your writing.  This exercise is only for you--no one else needs to see it.

Write About How These Same Inner Resources Can Help You Now
Very often, the personal strengths that got you through in the past are the same strengths that can help you now.  It's a matter of remembering and using them again.

Speak to Your Loved Ones
It's often the case that loved ones can see and remember the personal strengths that helped you in the past long after you've forgotten about them.  So, if you have trusted family and friends who saw you through difficult times in the past, ask them what they observed about you.  You might be surprised to hear what they have to say.  Write it down before you forget.

What If You're Too Stressed Out to Focus on Your Personal Strengths?
There are times when people are under so much stress that their feelings and thinking are clouded by the stress, and it's difficult to get beyond worrying and expecting the worst.

When you're that worried, you need to consider how the stress will affect your health. Up to a certain point, stress can motivate you and give you the extra edge you need to get going.  But when you're flooded with stress, it can damage your health with no beneficial effects (see my article: Tips on How to Stop Worrying).

At that point, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who can   help you to remember your personal strengths and help you to develop new internal resources.

Getting Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point.

A skilled psychotherapist knows how to help clients to access the best part of themselves to get through tough times and also help them to cultivate new internal resources (see my article: A Strengths-Based Perspective in Psychotherapy).

If you're overwhelmed by stress, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist, who has helped clients to call on their personal strengths and get through stressful times.

By working with an experienced psychotherapist, you can get through a tough time and come out on the other end feeling confident in yourself and free from the worries that were so debilitating.  You'll can also feel more confident about handling new challenges.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to focus on their personal strengths as well as develop new internal resources to cope with difficult times or unresolved trauma.

When I begin working with a new client in my psychotherapy practice in New York City, I begin by focusing on their personal strengths or internal resources, especially if the client has come in to deal with a major stressor or unresolved trauma.  I also help clients to develop new internal resources in addition to the ones they already possess.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery

In previous articles I've discussed the mental health benefits of keeping a journal (see my articles: Keeping a Gratitude Journal and The Benefits of Journaling Between Therapy Sessions).

Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery

In this article I'm focusing specifically on the benefits of keeping an erotic journal as part of your erotic self discovery as discussed by Dr. Jack Morin in his book, The Erotic Mind - Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment (see my article: What is Eroticism?).

How to Start an Erotic Journal

You can start an erotic journal by keeping a notebook and creating sections for the following experiences:

• Memories of Peak Erotic Experiences including the hottest erotic memories from any time in your life (see my article: Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences)

• Non-Sexual Erotic Memories including any type of eroticism, which isn't necessarily sexual. According to sex therapist, Dr. Esther Perel, eroticism blooms from the tension between excitation and inhibition in terms of the way you think, feel, act and what you do.

• Sexual Fantasies including fantasies you'd like to try in real life as well as fantasies that get you turned on but you want to remain as fantasies without enacting them (see my article: Discovering the Unconscious Meaning of Your Sexual Fantasies).

• Erotic Dreams including dreams where you felt erotically energized either by yourself or with a partner or partners

• Other Erotic Thoughts and Feelings including eroticism you're curious about or any other erotic thoughts and feelings that come to mind

Why Keep an Erotic Journal

The great thing about keeping this kind of journal is that it helps you to remember the erotic experiences you've had in the past and experiences you want to have now or in the future.  

Keeping an erotic journal often creates an opportunity 

• To create greater self awareness of your erotic self 

• To feel alive and erotically embodied

• To improve your self care by helping you to get in touch with sensuous experiences you enjoy, a relaxing bubble bath, scented candles, incense, smoothing on your favorite body lotion and whatever else engages your five senses (sight, sound, smell, touch and taste)

Self Care and Your Erotic Self

• To learn about your erotic blueprint (see my articles: What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2)

• To create a new sexual awakening for yourself, especially if you have gotten into a rut with solo or partnered sex and need to feel sexually alive again  

• To increase your sexual self esteem (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?)

• To improve your sex script in either solo sex or partnered sex (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script)

• To discover the possibility of a kinky side in your personality (see my articles: What is Kinky Sex? and What's the Difference Between a Kink and a Fetish?)

Do You Have an Undiscovered Kinky Side? 

• To share ideas with a partner or partners about what you would like to experience sexually together or alone, if you wish. Keeping it private, at least at first, is a way to prevent you from feeling inhibited about what you write so you don't self censor before you have a chance to capture your erotic thoughts and feelings in writing.  A compromise to sharing or not sharing might be sharing selectively what you want your partner(s) to know about you and what you like (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

Also see my article: Women's Sexuality: Tips For Sexual Self Discovery.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

If you're feeling stuck in terms of your erotic self, you could benefit from seeking help in sex therapy.

There can be many reasons why you feel stuck, including sexual anxiety, depression, a negative body image, a history of sexual abuse and other related problems.

Sex therapy is talk therapy that focuses on sex. There is no physical exam, nudity or sexual activity (see my article: What is Sex Therapy? and Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

A sex therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are preventing you from having passionate and fulfilling erotic and sexual experiences.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?

The words "fear" and "anxiety" are often used interchangeably.  While fear and anxiety often occur together, they're not the same.

What's the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?
While fear is an emotional response to a known threat, anxiety is more of a vague feeling of apprehension.  Anxiety can also be a response to an unknown threat.  

For instance, with regard to fear, if someone approaches you in an aggressive and menacing way, your response will be one of fear.  This person is a specific, real, present and immediate possible danger.

What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?

Anxiety is often about an anticipated event.  

For instance, if you're afraid of flying and you have an upcoming flight, you will probably feel anxious about the upcoming flight.  When you're on the plane, you will experience fear because it's happening in the here and now.

The distinctions between fear and anxiety might be subtle, but it will help you to be able t distinguish the difference.

Symptoms of Anxiety:
Anxiety can cause some or all of the following symptoms:

• muscle pain and tension
• headaches
• insomnia
• chest pain
• excessive sweating
• shaking and trembling
• racing heart
• upset stomach
• irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
• panic
• dizziness
• feeling faint

Fear can cause anxiety and vice versa.

Fear and Anxiety Produce a Stress Response
Both fear and anxiety produce the fight or flight response.  The reason this is an important automatic response is because if you were in real danger, this response would help you to survive.

For instance, if you were on a path and you saw a snake, your automatic response would be to jump away before you even thought about it.  In times of danger, you don't want to stop to think--you need to react quickly to protect yourself.  Even a microsecond can make a difference in a dangerous situation.

On the other hand, if, after you had the flight response, you realized that what you thought was a snake was actually a stick, your body would start to calm down because you no longer need to flee.

There is also the freeze response which occurs when you can neither fight nor flee (see my article: Overcoming the Freeze Response).

Self Help Tips For Coping With Fear and Anxiety
There are certain things that you can do to overcome fear and anxiety.  See my articles:

Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety
Learning to Stay Calm During Stressful Times
Finding Inner Peace During Uncertain Times
Self Care: Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself
The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation
Self Reflection and Basic Mindfulness
Research Shows That Meditation Can Change Your Brain
Learning to Relax: Square Breathing
Staying Calm When You're in the Middle of Chaos
Finding Moments of Peace During Stressful Times
Self Soothing Techniques to Use When You're Feeling Distressed
Learning to Relax: Going on an Internal Retreat
Discovering the Quiet Place Within Yourself

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're suffering with chronic fear or anxiety, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience helping clients to overcome fear and anxiety (see my articles: Psychotherapy For Anxiety Disorders and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you could learn how to overcome your fear or anxiety, so you could lead a calmer, more peaceful life with a sense of well-being.

If your fear and anxiety is related to unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with a psychotherapist who specializes in treating trauma.

A trauma therapist is a licensed psychotherapist who is specialist trained specifically in helping clients to overcome both trauma related to one-time events as well as developmental trauma, which is repeated trauma and loss from childhood. 

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT for couples,  Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to overcome their fear and anxiety (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

11 Ways to Become a More Creative Person

In my article, The Joy of Becoming More Playful As An Adult, I discussed how playing can help you to be a more creative person.  In this article, I'm focusing on creativity and things you can do to inspire your creativity.

Become a More Creative Person

Things You Can Do to Inspire Your Creativity

• Tap Into Your Unconscious Mind Using Stream of Consciousness Writing: In her book, The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron writes about doing stream of consciousness writing when you wake up in the morning.  She calls it the Morning Pages.  This process also goes by other names, including free associative writing.  With any type of free associative writing you're allowing yourself to just write down whatever comes to mind. You're not editing it or assessing it. You're just allowing your thoughts to flow. This will eventually tap into your unconscious mind so you can access your creativity. 

• Welcome Boredom: People usually try to avoid being bored by filling up their time with all kinds of activity, including spending time scrolling through social media.  But instead of trying to avoid boredom, embrace it.  People often get their best ideas when they're bored (see my article: How Boredom Can Lead to Greater Creativity).

• Use Your Dreams: Dreams can be a great source of creativity. You can give yourself a  suggestion just before going to sleep that you want creative ideas for a project you're working on. This is called dream incubation (see my articles: Dream Incubation - Planting Seeds, Embodied Imagination and Dreamwork and Working With Dreams to Develop Your Creative Imagination).

Use Your Dream to Develop Your Creativity

• Develop Your Intuition: There are lots of ways to develop your intuition. Many people use vivid picture cards, like Tarot cards that appeal to them or cards called Inner Active cards to stimulate their intuition which also enhances creativity (see my article: Tapping into Your Creative and Intuitive Power).

• Spend Time in Nature: Even just a few minutes of walking in nature can help you to relax and open up to new ideas.

• Get Physical: Exercising helps to increase blood flow and oxygen to the brain. It also helps to get you out of a linear mode of thinking so you can tap into your creativity.

• Keep a List of Ideas: Whenever you hear an interesting or intriguing idea, write it down.  When you get into the habit of keeping a list of ideas, you give your mind the signal that you're open to new ideas so they can begin to flow.

• Watch an Inspiring TED Talk: TED talk speakers are usually inspiring and can motivate you to open yourself to new ideas.

Become a More Creative Person: Watch an Inspiring TED Talk

• Do Something New: Try something new--whether it's going to a new place, learning about a new culture, learning a new language, taking an acting class, telling your five minute story at a storytelling show, like The Moth, or whatever seems fun and inspiring to you (see my article: The Power of Storytelling and Being Open to New Experiences).

• Look at Your World With New Eyes: Instead of seeing your surroundings in the way you always see them, look at your world with new eyes. This could mean you walk around your neighborhood and look for things you never noticed before--a decoration on a building, a flower in your neighbor's garden you've never noticed before, an unusual looking tree, a bird's nest and so on (see my article: Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Just Take the Time to Notice).

• Practice Mindfulness Meditation: Research studies have revealed many benefits to doing mindfulness meditation, including developing a more flexible way of thinking. When you can think more flexibly, you can be more creative (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation).

Conclusion

There are many ways to tap into your creativity. It's a matter of finding what works for you.  

Sometimes people feel creatively blocked and they need to find ways to reclaim their creativity).  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're unable to get out of a creative rut on your own, you can seek help in therapy from a therapist who does Experiential Therapy, which uses the mind-body connection to help clients to get creatively unblocked.

Getting Help in Therapy

Working with a skilled experiential therapist can help you overcome blocks that are hindering your progress (see my article: Overcoming Creative Blocks).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Sexual Wellness: Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences

In the past, I've discussed exploring your sexual fantasies as a way to discover what you like sexually.  In this article, I'm offering a writing exercise to delve deeper to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Sexual Pleasure and Discovering Your Erotic Self, Exploring Sexual Fantasies Without Shame and Guilt, 7 Core Sexual Fantasies and Women's Sexual Self Discovery).

Discovering Your Peak Sexual Experiences

For many people thinking about peak sexual experiences (or any sexual experiences) is easier said than done. Shame and guilt, which are often related to religious or cultural taboos or to a strict upbringing where sex wasn't discussed, are often major obstacles (see my article: Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes).

As a result, many individuals don't allow themselves to have sexual fantasies or if they realize they're having a sexual fantasy, they shut it down before the fantasy has time to develop.  So, in situations like this, the process of sexual self discovery can involve seeking help in therapy (see the section below on Getting Help in Therapy).

Discovering Your Peak Erotic Experiences

Assuming you feel comfortable enough to explore what you want sexually, one way to begin this exploration is by thinking back to sexual experiences or fantasies you've had in the past to discover your peak sexual experiences (see my articles: Reviving Your Sex Life By Learning About Your Peak Sexual Experiences and The 2021 Self Pleasure Survey).

As I mentioned in my prior article, Dr. Jack Morin, who wrote The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment, recommends remembering your peak sexual experiences as one way to discover what you like sexually.

Thinking back to memories of peak sexual experiences allows you to define and explore what you enjoyed sexually.  

Writing about it in a journal, which you keep in a private place, allows you to delve deeper to provide yourself with more details about these experiences.

What Were Your Most Satisfying Sexual Experiences?

Take your time to think about these memories and when you write about them, give as much detail as possible on each one, including:

• What was the situation?

• Who were you with?

• Where were you?

• What sexual activities were you engaged in at the time (be specific)?

• What got you sexually turned on?

• What were you thinking?

• What were you feeling emotionally?

What sensations were you experiencing?

• What did you see?
• What did you hear? 
• What did you feel (physical sensations)
• What did you smell?
• What did you taste?

If you're having problems remembering the details, one way you can enhance your memories is by listening to music from that time.  

Sound can be evocative.  For instance, if your memories are from a different time in your life, what were some of the songs you liked listening to at that time?

Similarly, smell can be evocative.  For example, if you or your partner in your memory wore a certain cologne or aftershave, smelling that scent can bring you back to that memory in a deeper way.  Another example of scent could be your partner's personal scent.

After you've written down your peak sexual experiences, read them to yourself to get a sense of whether there are particular themes.

Making connections between themes you discover in your memories can give you more information about what you like.

For instance, according to Dr. Morin, sexual attraction plus obstacles often lead to sexual excitement, so think about whether there were particular obstacles to overcome or a forbidden  quality to any of these experiences that made these experiences exciting.

I'll continue to discuss this topic in my next article.

Getting Help in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, many people find it hard to think about their past sexual experiences due to strong inhibitions or a history of trauma.

If you're struggling with conflicting emotions about sex, a history of trauma or other experiences that are keeping you from exploring your sexual desires, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience with these issues.

Overcoming emotional obstacles can free you from your history so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How to Conquer Your Nightmares

In my prior article, Common Nightmares During the COVID-19 Global Pandemic, I began a discussion about common nightmares that many people are having during the current pandemic and gave examples of two dreams.  In this article, I'll discuss how you can conquer your nightmares, whether they're pandemic-related or not.  To show you how to do this, I'll be taking one of the dreams from the prior article, deconstructing it and then showing how you can work with it on your own (see my article: How to Overcome Anxiety Dreams).

How to Conquer Your Nightmares

Deconstructing and Working With a Nightmare
I'm choosing Dream 2 (see below) from the prior article as an example of how you can deconstruct and work with a nightmare on your own. So, here's Dream 2:

     Dream 2  - From My Prior Blog Article
I'm a child of 7 or 8 years old. My mother tells me that we have to escape from where we're living to move back to the US.  Only a few close relatives know because it's a secret.  My mother doesn't want her husband, my stepfather, to know that we're running away because he's abusive and we're escaping from him.  I grab whatever I can quickly because we have to get to the airport fast, and I kiss my relatives goodbye.  I don't have time to say goodbye to a male friend, who has been good to me (I'm older in this part of the dream).  So, I try to text him to tell him that I had to leave due to an emergency, but my phone won't work. I know he's going to be hurt that I left suddenly without an explanation, and I feel terrible about this. Then, my mother, brother and I run to the airport to get on a rescue flight that's been arranged for us by the US government to bring us back to the states. Somehow, I get separated from my mother and brother (I'm a young child again in this part of the dream). I don't know which way to go. I'm scared and I call out to my mother, but I don't see her anywhere. Nothing looks or feels familiar, even though I know I've been to this area many times before. I see other people who are also running and I ask them the way to the airport because I'm lost.  They point the way and I run all the way to the airport. Once I get there, I realize I don't have a plane ticket. I call out to my mother again saying that I don't have a plane ticket.  Even though she's still nowhere to be found, a reassuring male voice tells me over the airport public address system that I don't need a plane ticket because this is a special government rescue flight for my family to escape. When I get to security, I realize that I'm not wearing a face mask so I'm not going to be allowed on the flight. I see everyone else around me wearing a face mask, and I look around to see if there's somewhere I can buy as mask (I'm older again in this part of the dream). Then, I realize that I do have a mask, but I've been wearing it on my chin, so I pull it over to cover my nose and mouth.  When I arrive at the gate, I still don't see my mother or brother, but I feel a little calmer because I know I'm going to make the flight and I'll escape from this place.  Somehow, I see the long document that my mother had to fill out to get approval from the government for this rescue flight. I feel badly that I didn't know before about the abuse that my mother endured at the hands of my stepfather.  While I'm waiting for the flight at the gate, I try to text my male friend again. I desperately want to reach him so he won't feel abandoned by me, but my phone still doesn't work. I feel sad that he's going to feel sad and abandoned.

It's pretty clear what makes this dream a nightmare:

• The dreamer, as a child of 7 or 8, has been told that she and her family must escape from a place in a hurry.
• She has to leave immediately without saying goodbye to her male friend, which she feels badly about.
• She loses her mother and brother as they're running to the airport.
• She fears she won't be let on the plane because she doesn't have a plane ticket.
• She fears she won't get past security because she thinks she doesn't have a face mask.
• She reads the long document about her stepfather's abusive behavior towards her mother that her mother had to fill out to get permission to take a special flight, and she feels sad she didn't know about the abuse before.
• She worries that her male friend will feel abandoned by her because she can't tell him that she must leave in a hurry.

At the same time, it's important to notice that there are points along the way where she actually gets help (see the italicized sentences in Dream 2 above), including:

• People who give her directions when she gets lost while trying to get to the airport.
• The reassuring voice that comes over the airport public address system reassuring her that she doesn't need a plane ticket because this is a special flight that has been arranged for her and her family to get away.
• She thinks, at first, that she doesn't have a face mask and then discovers that, in fact she does have one.
• She finally gets to the gate where her flight will be taking off, so she knows, at that point, that she will get away, presumably, she will be reunited with her mother and brother, and so they will all be safe.

     Learning to Do Lucid Dreaming
In a prior article, Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dreamwork, I discussed lucid dreaming.  Learning how to become lucid (or conscious) during a dream takes practice.  Some people are fascinated by lucid dreaming and they will take the time and make the effort to develop the skill.

Essentially, what you are doing when you have a lucid dream is you're realizing that you're having a dream while you're dreaming.  You remain in the dream and transform the dream to whatever you want it to be (this is explained in more detail in my article above, Transforming Nightmares Through Creative Dreamwork).

The obvious advantage of learning to do lucid dreaming is that you change the dream while you're in the dream as opposed to when you wake up.  The disadvantage (if you see it as a disadvantage) is that, while some people can learn to have lucid dreams with little effort, most people have to make more of an effort to train themselves to have lucid dreams.  So, if you're interested in learning to have lucid dreams, I recommend that you click on the link above for my article on transforming nightmares.  The article includes a recommendation for a book on lucid dreaming.

    Rewriting the Narrative of Your Nightmare and Embodying the Changes
For people who aren't interested in developing the skill to do lucid dreaming and who prefer a simpler and faster way for dealing with nightmares, I suggest rewriting the narrative of your nightmare after you have written down the original dream the way that it occurred:

• Keep a pen and pad by your bedside so you're ready to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up.
• Before you go to sleep, spend a few minutes giving yourself the suggestion that you will remember your dreams.
• When you wake up and you sense that you have had a dream, remain still for a few minutes.  This means that you don't shift around from the position that you're in when you wake up (e.g., if you're lying on your right side when you wake up, don't turn--just stay still).
• Wait a few minutes until the dream comes back to you. You might find that you remember the dream in sections in reverse order.  In other words, you might remember the last part of the dream (the part that occurred closest to waking up) first, and then you might remember the part before that and the part before that, and so on. Also, since we all have at least 4-5 dreams per night depending upon how long you sleep (whether you remember them or not), you will probably remember your dreams in reverse order too.
• Write down whatever you remember from the dream--even if it's just a snippet or an image.  You can still work with a small part of the dream.  Also, it gives your unconscious mind the suggestion that you're interested in your dreams and make it more likely for you to gradually remember more each time you wake up from your dreams.  Over time, if you keep writing down your dreams, you will remember more details.
• After you have written down your dream, rewrite the dream so that it's no longer a nightmare.

So, for example, if you were the dreamer who had Dream 2 (above), you could rewrite the dream however you want to, including:

• Making it easier for the dreamer, the mother and brother to get to the airport together by having a relative drive them there, so they don't have to run to the airport and the dreamer doesn't get separated from the mother and brother.
• A relative or friend could offer the dreamer his or her phone so that the dreamer can contact her male friend rather than the dreamer trying to rely solely on her malfunctioning phone. This will relieve the anxiety that the dreamer has about hurting her male friend's feelings and causing him to feel that he's been abandoned by her.
• Since the dreamer would be with her mother and brother (rather than losing them, as she did in the dream), the mother can reassure both children that they can get on the plane without a plane ticket so that the dreamer doesn't have to go through worrying she doesn't have a plane ticket.
• The mother can reassure the dreamer that they all have the required face masks to get on the flight.
• The dreamer, mother and brother can all be at the gate together ready to get on the plan.

There are many different ways to rewrite Dream 2.  As an alternative, the dreamer can rewrite the dream so that it's not necessary to escape at all, in the following way:

• The mother tells a relative, who is recognized to be a powerful figure in the family, about the stepfather's abusive behavior and this relative confronts the stepfather and tells him that he must stay away from the mother, dreamer and brother.  The stepfather is fearful of this relative so he never bothers the family again.
• The mother reports the abusive stepfather to the police.  They arrest him and he is no longer a threat.
• And so on.

The second part of reworking the dream is to rehearse and embody the rewritten dream (see my article about The Mind-Body Connection and New Symbolic Memories and The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

In other words, after you have rewritten the original dream so that it's no longer a nightmare, you spend a little time rehearsing the rewritten dream and noticing the emotions that come up for you and where you feel these emotions in your body.

Feeling the emotions and noticing where you feel these emotions in your body will help you to have a stronger sense of the rewritten dream because you're not just writing and reading what you have written, you're also taking the time, in effect, to rewire this revision of the dream using the mind-body connection.

So, for instance, if you choose to have a relative, who is a powerful person in the family, confront the abusive stepfather, after you have written this and read it, you would take a few minutes to notice what emotions come up for you.  Maybe you have a sense of relief and you notice that you feel that in your gut. Or, maybe you feel gratitude for your relative, a sense of empowerment through this relative and you notice that you feel this in your chest.

If you have someone that you tell your dreams to, whether it's a therapist, a friend or a spouse, telling this person the original dream and the rewritten dream will also be helpful.  You will feel less alone with the dream and hearing yourself tell someone else the original dream and the rewritten dream can be a powerful experience.

By rewriting the dream, you're not denying that you had a nightmare.  Instead, you're a way to conquer the nightmare so you have a sense of relief.  It's also an important recognition that you are the author of your dreams and that you can also be the author of your rewritten dreams.

Getting Help in Therapy

Some people can work on nightmares on your own. Many other people are unable to cope with nightmares because these dreams are related to trauma.

The dreamer and the dreamer's family in Dream 2 are trying to get away from an abusive stepfather, which could indicate a history of unresolved trauma if this dream is related to actual events in the dreamer's life (see my article: How Past Trauma Lives on in the Present).

It's not unusual, whether it's during a pandemic or any other time, for people with traumatic histories to have nightmares, including recurring nightmares. 

If you are struggling with nightmares, whether they are related to a history of trauma or not, you're not alone.  You can get help from a licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients to overcome nightmares.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced mental health professional so that you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Parts of Yourself

In my prior article,  Are You Approaching Your Problems From an Adult or Inner Child Perspective?, I discussed how Ego States therapy can help you to become aware of which aspect of yourself is active in any particular situation and how to shift from one self state to another self state that would be more effective.  

In the current article, I'm providing another possible way to access self states through writing. Throughout this article, I'll be using the terms parts, self states and aspects of self interchangeably.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Parts of Yourself

A psychotherapist who does Ego State therapy introduces clients to the idea that everyone is made of many different inner parts.

Many people are already familiar with the concept of the inner child as an internal aspect of themselves.  An Ego States therapist furthers this idea to include many other aspects of the self.  For instance, an adult might have an adolescent self who is operating in a particular situation as I discussed in the prior article.

The aspects of self might also be identified by a particular attitude.  For instance, adult aspects might include a judgmental self, a fearful self, a self who becomes emotionally paralyzed/freezes at times, and so on.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Aspects of Yourself
Becoming aware of your self states and making shifts between self states is easier when you have a psychotherapist who does Ego States therapy, but not everyone has access to an Ego States therapist, so you can also access your various self states through writing.

Before you can have a dialogue between self states, you need to identify the self states that are involved in a particular situation.

In order to become aware of self states, you don't need to worry about what you call the particular self states.  You can use whatever names that feel right to you or you can even call them Part A and Part B if you're really not sure how to identify them.

What's more important than labeling them is developing an understanding of each self state.  At first, this might be a very basic understanding and, as you continue to work with these parts, you can develop a more in-depth understanding.

Here's A Fictional Example:
Ted
Ted is ambivalent about going back to college.  He has been thinking about it for over a year, and he can't decide what to do.

Sometimes, he feels excited about returning to college to complete his degree and the possibilities that this can open up for him.  But there are also other times when he worries that he won't do well in college and it would be a mistake to return.

His ambivalence has kept Ted feeling confused about what's best for him.  Feeling ambivalent, Ted is at an impasse and he has been unable to make a decision.

Initially, Ted isn't sure what his ambivalence is about.  He knows that there are at least two parts of him that are in conflict about going back to college.  He doesn't know why he's in conflict about it or the root of this internal conflict.

As an experiment, Ted decides to write about this conflict by having a dialogue between Part A, the part that wants to return to college, and Part B, the part that worries that he won't do well and thinks it would be a mistake to return to college.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Parts of Yourself

Keeping it simple, Ted begins by giving a voice to Part A and then allowing Part B to respond:

Part A:  I wasn't ready to be in college when I first went a year ago, but now I'm ready and excited to return.  I think it would open up many more job opportunities for me.  I want to go back.

Part B:  I'm worried that this would be a big mistake because you probably won't do well and then it would be a waste of time and money.  It's better not to risk it.

Part A:  I don't understand why you would think that I wouldn't do well.  I didn't leave because my grades weren't good. I left because I wasn't ready to be away from home, but in the last year, I've matured and I'm ready now.  Tell me more about your concerns.

Part B: I'm afraid that if I return, I might get homesick again and want to leave.  Then, I would feel like a failure.

Part A:  I understand your concerns and you might be right, but there are probably ways to address these concerns without giving up on college.

Part B:  Like what?

Part A: If I go away to college and I feel homesick, I can seek counseling at the student counseling center.  I can also choose not to return to the same college.  I could go to a local college instead where I can commute from home.

Part B: Well, those ideas sound like possibilities.  I'm open to considering it.  Let's talk about this again tomorrow.

As Ted continues to dialogue between these two parts of himself that are in conflict, he learns more about the hopes and fears of each part.  He learns the origin of his fears as Part B "talks" about other earlier times in his life when he was afraid to take risks.  In addition, he develops new ideas about how to deal with his fears.

Along the way, he might also identify other parts of himself that are involved in this conflict and gain insight into the role these other parts play.

As he continues to dialogue with these parts in writing and concretizes his various conflicting feelings, he feels calmer about it.  Now that he's writing about it and capturing his feelings on paper, he no longer has these conflicting feelings whirling around in his head in a confused state.  It's all down on paper.

As he gains insight into how his various conflicting aspects of himself are affecting his decision making process, he can address each of these issues by getting more concrete information, talking to others about it, and seeing where he might be catastrophizing about issues that aren't a catastrophe (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?).

By dialoguing with his various self states, he is able to put his hopes and fears in perspective, and he is in a better position to make a decision.

Conclusion
Having an internal dialogue in writing with the various parts of yourself can help you to overcome problems where you're experiencing an internal conflict.

Being able to reflect on and write about the internal conflict from the perspective of the parts involved helps you to understand yourself better and have more compassion for yourself.

Writing out dialogues between your internal parts can also stimulate more creative ideas for overcoming the conflict that you might not have thought about if you didn't write about it.

Initially, you might feel uncomfortable doing this exercise but, once you're immersed in it, you will probably find it to be a very useful tool.

Getting Help in Therapy
A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand the conflicting aspects of yourself as well as get to the root of your problems (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you have access to a licensed mental health professional, you have an opportunity to work through unresolved problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients using Ego States therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Psychotherapy is an Active Process: The More You're Engaged in Your Therapy, the More You'll Get Out of It

As I tell clients who come to see me in my psychotherapy private practice in New York City, psychotherapy is an active process.  The more you're engaged in your therapy, the more you'll get out of it (see my article: Getting the Most Out of Your Psychotherapy Sessions).

Psychotherapy is an Active Process: The More You're Engaged in Your Therapy, the More You'll Get Out of It 

What Does It Mean to Be "Actively Engaged" in Your Therapy?
Many clients who are in psychotherapy for the first time think that psychotherapy is a passive process, but this isn't the case for contemporary psychotherapy.

New clients, who have never been in psychotherapy before, need psychoeducation from their psychotherapists in order to understand how to be actively engaged in psychotherapy (see my article: Why It's Important For Psychotherapists to Provide Clients With Psychoeducation About How Psychotherapy Works).

Being actively engaged in your psychotherapy sessions means more than just showing up, although, of course, on the most basic level, that's important.  But beyond showing up, you will get much more out of your psychotherapy sessions by:

• Being Open-minded and Curious About Your Therapy:  Psychotherapy isn't something that is "done" to you.  Your psychotherapist has certain skills and experience to help you overcome your problems but, as you know, your therapist doesn't have a magic wand to make your problems disappear, so you will get much more out of your therapy sessions if you begin therapy by being open-minded and curious about the psychotherapy process (see my article: Starting Psychotherapy With a Sense of Curiosity and Openness).

• Asking Your Psychotherapist Questions: Whether you're new to psychotherapy or you've attended therapy in the past, if there's anything that you don't understand or you have questions about, ask your therapist.  It's your therapy.  You're spending your hard earned money and time to be in therapy.  It's important that you understand what's going on and what you might expect.

• Understanding That Psychotherapy is a Process: Psychotherapy is different from going to see your medical doctor who might give you a shot or a prescription so you can overcome your problem.  Psychotherapy is an individualized process that unfolds over time.  Each psychotherapy client's process will be unique.  When psychotherapy is going well, the work in therapy usually builds on itself over time.

• Considering How Far You Want to Go in Psychotherapy: Sometimes, I compare psychotherapy to home repair as a metaphor.  When you make home repairs, you decide if you want to do a little painting and spruce up the place or if you want to do major repairs.  It's the same with psychotherapy.  Your psychotherapist can make recommendations and you would do well to consider them.  But, ultimately, it's up to you whether you want symptom relief or you want to get to the root of your problems.  You might be alright with symptom relief now and maybe you'll consider delving deeper your next time in therapy.  Or, you might want to delve deeper now so that you overcome your problems beyond symptom relief.  Similarly, you can make choices as to whether you want to focus on short term or long term goals.  Once again, it's up to you--not your therapist.

• Spending Time Reflecting on Your Psychotherapy Sessions: If you want to get more out of your psychotherapy sessions, rather than forgetting what came up in your session once you leave therapy, spend time reflecting on your thoughts and feelings soon after the therapy session.  Even though you've left the session, the process continues to go on for you in your mind unconsciously.  That means, whether you realize it or not, you're never in the same place when you return for your next session.  Why not try to reflect on what's changing for you by thinking about it between sessions?

• Spending Time Writing Between Psychotherapy Sessions: Writing between sessions is something I recommend to my clients because it helps you to reflect on what's happening for you and how you're changing as a result of your therapy.  Many clients ask, "How will I know if psychotherapy is helping me to change?"  One way is to reflect and write about what comes up for you between sessions and the changes that you notice.  You can choose whether or not you share your writing with your psychotherapist or not.  Aside from writing, some people draw pictures or write stories--whatever works for you to help you to be actively engaged in the process between sessions (see my article: The Benefit of Journal Writing Between Psychotherapy Sessions).

Psychotherapy is an Active Process: Journal Writing Between Therapy Sessions

• Talking to Your Psychotherapist About Something That's Bothering You About the Therapy: Maybe you're changing in ways that you don't understand.  Maybe something got triggered in your last session. Maybe your therapist said something that you didn't like or you misunderstood.  Maybe your therapist misunderstood you.  A lot can happen in a therapy session.  Your therapist might sense that you're having a problem, but maybe she won't, especially if you're good at hiding when things bother you.  In that case, how will your therapist know unless you tell her?  You need to provide feedback to your therapist whether she elicits it from you or not (see my article: How to Talk to Your Psychotherapist About Something That's Bothering You in Therapy).

• Understanding That "Feeling Better" Might Not Necessarily Mean Your Problems Are Resolved:  As I stated above, it's up to you to decide if you want symptom relief or you want to work deeper on your problems.  If you decide that you want symptom relief, you need to understand that this might mean, even though you're "feeling better," your problems might not necessarily be resolved--depending upon what you want to get out of therapy.  If you know this and you're okay with it, the choice is yours.  However, as an informed consumer, it's important to know what you have opted to do once you've decided that you want to end therapy (see my article: Starting to Feel Better in Therapy).

Conclusion
Psychotherapy is an active process for the client and the psychotherapist.

The more you're actively engaged in your psychotherapy sessions during and in between sessions, the more you'll get out of your therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy
The decision to start psychotherapy, especially if you've never been in therapy before, can be a difficult one.

It takes courage to take steps to change (see my article: Developing the Courage to Change).

If you've been unsuccessful in overcoming your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional (see my article: The Courage to Change).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to identify and work through your problems so that you can live a more meaningful life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work in a dynamic, interactive and collaborative way with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.