Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

I've written about denial in other articles (Overcoming Denial About Family Problems and Discovering Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots).  In this article, I'm focusing on rationalization as a form of denial when you're with someone who has an addiction.

Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

As I've mentioned in prior articles, there are many forms of denial, including  

Rationalization is a form of denial often used by people who are in relationships with someone who has an addiction.

It's  understandable how this could happen because most people want to be in a relationship with someone that they can trust.  But often this wish to be able to trust can become so powerful that it leads to self deception.

Rationalizations as Denial and Self Deception

Here are some examples:

"I know he really doesn't have a drinking problem.  The stress on his job makes him drink."

"Living in New York City, where the pace is so fast makes him anxious and this causes him to drink.  If we moved, he wouldn't drink."

"My boyfriend really doesn't have a sexual addiction.  It's not his fault if women throw themselves at him."

"He's hanging out with the wrong crowd.  That's why he's abusing drugs."

"She's constantly having sex with other man because I'm not satisfying her sexually.  It's not her fault."

Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

"She has been arrested several times for shoplifting, but I know that the police are exaggerating her behavior."

"Even though she cheats on me with lots of other men, she always comes home to me and that's all that really matters."

"I don't really mind if he spends a lot of time on sex chat sites as long as he doesn't get physically involved with another woman"

"I know she's abusing Xanax, but she told me that she can stop at any time and I believe her."

On the Surface, Rationalizations Seem to Make Sense
While rationalizations seem to make sense on the surface, there are usually underlying reasons, sometimes unconscious, that prompt these rationalizations.

A fictionalized scenario demonstrates how rationalizations can be used to avoid dealing with underlying issues:

Tania
Tania started therapy because she was having problems in her marriage.  She would have preferred to attend couples therapy, but her husband refused to go.

During her first session, Tania felt uncomfortable talking about her marital problems, but as she continued to go to her therapy sessions, she began to talk about the sexual problems in her relationship (see my article:  The Importance of Talking About Sexual Problems in Your Therapy).

Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

Overcoming her embarrassment, Tania began discussing her sexual life with her husband--or lack of sexual life.  She talked about how passionate their sex life used to be when during the first few years of their marriage.  But then their sexual intimacy began to dwindle until it stopped altogether.

Then, one day Tania told her therapist how her husband stayed up most nights on the computer after she went to bed.

After a few weeks of this, Tania became curious about what her husband was doing on the computer at night, so she looked up the history on the computer and discovered that her husband was looking at pornography at night.

Although Tania didn't like it, she told her therapist that she didn't have a problem with it.  She preferred for him to look at women on porn sites than to have an affair with another woman.

When her therapist attempted to explore this further, Tania deflected her therapist's questions by changing the subject.  When her therapist pointed this out to her, Tania insisted that she didn't think her husband watching porn on the Internet had anything to do with the problems in her marriage.

But as time went on and her husband spent more and more time on the computer at night, Tania became increasingly concerned.

Then, one day, she became curious about the sites that her husband was visiting, so while he was out of the apartment, she spent time looking at the history on the computer and discovered that her husband wasn't just looking at porn, he was emailing several women to meet up with them to have sex (see my article:  Infidelity: Married, Bored and Cheating Online).

Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

This was so startling to Tania that she confronted her husband and told him that unless he got help in therapy, she would leave him.

After her husband began therapy, Tania talked to her therapist about how betrayed she felt by her husband.  She wondered if she should leave him even though he was getting help (see my article: Relationships: Should You Stay or Should You Go?)

Rationalization as a Form of Denial and Self Deception

Gradually, Tania's therapist began to explore with Tania's original rationalizations about her husband's  viewing of pornography and how it, initially, prevented her from seeing that the problem was much worse than she suspected.

Tania's therapist helped Tania to see that she wasn't ready initially to see what was happening and how it was affecting her marriage.  At the time, it would have been too overwhelming for her, so the defense mechanism of denial protected her from seeing the truth.

It took a while for Tania to overcome the shame that she felt about her denial.  But, over time, she developed a compassion for herself.  She also realized that her husband had a sexual addiction and he would need to continue in therapy to deal with the underlying issues.

Over time, Tania and her husband remained together and eventually went to couples counseling to put their life back together again.

Conclusion
Although defense mechanisms are often perceived as being negative, defense mechanisms, like rationalization, serve a protective function.

People often use defense mechanisms unconsciously because dealing with the truth is often too overwhelming at the time.

But, like other defense mechanisms, after a while the protective function of rationalizations get in the way of emotional healing.

In the fictionalized scenario above, if Tania had continued to use rationalizations about her husband's behavior, she would never have faced what was really happened, she wouldn't have given him an ultimatum and he wouldn't have gotten help to overcome his problems so they could start to do put their life back together again.

Getting Help in Therapy
Defense mechanisms, like rationalizations, are usually unconscious.

An experienced therapist need to use tact and clinical skill to help clients who are defending against seeing problems in their lives.

Self deception, in its many guises, is a common problem for many people.

If you have a sense that you've been stuck with intractable problems, possibly due to denial on your part, you could benefit from working with a therapist who understands this process and can help you to explore the underlying issues involved.

Overcoming rationalization as a form of self deception can be difficult at first but, ultimately, it can free you to lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: The Benefits of Therapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress and Not Aware of It?

In my prior article, How Do You Know When You're Under Too Much Stress?, I began a discussion about enduring overwhelming stress.  As I mentioned in that article, there are many people, who have lived with chronic stress all their lives, who don't recognize when they're overwhelmed by stress.  It just feels "normal" to them.

Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress and Not Aware of It?

But there are definitely psychological and health-related consequences to longstanding chronic stress.

In this article, I'm exploring this dynamic by giving a fictionalized clinical vignette to illustrate how people who experience chronic stress can be unaware of it and what can be done to overcome this problem:

Ina
Ina started therapy after she saw her doctor for debilitating headaches and chest pains and medical tests ruled out any underlying medical problems.  Her doctor told Ina that the cause of her headaches and chest pain was stress and recommended that she start therapy (see my article: Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress and Not Aware of It?

Ina had never been to therapy before, so she wasn't sure what to expect, but her therapist provided Ina with psychoeducation about therapy and helped her to understand how therapy could help.

During the next two sessions, Ina talked about her family history.  Although her family history was filled with many losses and significant emotional trauma, Ina talked about it in a matter-of-fact way without much emotion.  She was very emotionally detached from her own childhood history.

When her therapist reflected back to Ina, Ina seemed surprised.  She had never thought of her childhood history as being particularly traumatic.  In fact, she had not thought much about it at all.  In response to her therapist, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "That's just the way it was."

Part of her early history was that Ina had to over-function for both of her parents because they both had serious problems with alcohol.

As the oldest, Ina took it upon herself to cook, clean and take care of her younger siblings--starting at the age of 10.  She told her therapist, "If I didn't do it, no one would have done it.  I couldn't just let my brothers and sisters starve or not go to school."

Ina was so detached from that younger part of herself that was emotionally and physically neglected and who had to mature beyond her years that she didn't realize that she had paid a psychological and physical price for taking on this role.

Since she couldn't see it for herself, her therapist asked Ina how she would feel if one of her own young children had to take on these adult responsibilities at such a young age and without help from any other adults.

At that point, Ina began to cry because even though she was detached from her own early childhood trauma, she cared very much for her children and she never would want them to have to go through the same thing as she did.

It was only when Ina was able to see her situation from the point of view of her own children that she realized that what happened to her was traumatic.

In the following therapy sessions, her therapist talked to Ina about the ACE study, which was an extensive study which showed how experiencing early childhood trauma could lead to stress-related psychological and physical problems.

After that, Ina began to open up more and she was able to talk about how hard it was for her and how anxious she was all the time because she didn't know how to do half the things she was doing for her siblings.  She worried all the time that she might get it wrong and they would suffer in some way.

In many ways, Ina still worried excessively about her siblings--even though they were all doing well as adults.  So, her therapist realized that Ida was emotionally stuck in the past.  Even though she knew that her siblings were all doing well now, she still had the same worries as when she was a child.

When her therapist pointed this out to her, Ina was surprised because she never thought of this before.  She realized that her therapist was right--there really was no need to worry about her siblings anymore.  Then, she became curious about why she was continuing to worry.

Her therapist explained to Ina that she had learned to habitually worry about her siblings and her emotions had not caught up with the present.  She was still worrying as if she was living in the past.

Are You Experiencing Chronic Stress and Not Aware of It?

Over time, Ina learned had to take better care of herself.  Her therapist taught her how to meditate.  She also began exercising at the gym.

Her therapist also talked to Ina about how EMDR therapy could help Ina to work through her unresolved childhood trauma so that she wouldn't have to continue to live in the past (see my articles:

As Ina and her therapist did EMDR therapy, Ina noticed that her chest pain had disappeared and her headaches were infrequent.

Gradually, Ina worked through a childhood of trauma and loss and, as she did, she was under much less stress.  It was as if a big weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

It was only after she experienced much less stress that she realized how much stress she had been carrying around inside of her.  She was able to relax more, sleep better and enjoy life more.

Conclusion
A lifetime of chronic stress can take a heavy toll on you both physically and emotionally.

Chronic stress can become increasingly debilitating over time.

Many people who have experienced childhood trauma and loss become "shutdown" to just how much stress they're experiencing.

This makes sense when you realize that, as children, they didn't have many options if they wanted to survive.  Like "Ina," they did what they had to do without much awareness of the toll that it was taking on them.

Medical doctors who are savvy about the mind-body connection know that many (if not most) medical complaints that their patients have are stress related.  After they have eliminated any underlying medical cause, they know that their patients need psychological help--not medical help--and they refer them to a psychotherapist.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you recognize yourself in the vignette above, you're not alone.  Millions of people have had similar experiences.  The unfortunate thing is that most of them never realize that their symptoms have psychological roots.  They often go from one medical doctor to another for "the answer."

As a child, you might have survived your circumstances by not allowing yourself to be conscious of how bad the situation was and how it was affecting you.

Often, it's not until you're an adult that you begin to experience the stress-related symptoms.

Although it's helpful to go to the gym and use other self care techniques, if you have the kind of childhood history that "Ida" had, those self care techniques aren't enough to overcome the trauma.  They can help temporarily to overcome the stress, but the psychological trauma will still be there just under the surface waiting to be triggered by a current situation.

If you can identify with the vignette above, you can take the first step to overcome these stress related  problems by setting up a consultation with a psychotherapist.

By working through your unresolved childhood trauma in therapy, you can live a more fulfilling life free from your history.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Recognizing the Signs When You're Under Too Much Stress

I've written about stress management in other articles, including: Addicted to Stress, How Your Stress Can Affect Your Spouse and Children, Finding Inner Peace During Stressful Times and Self Soothing Techniques to Use When You're Under a Lot of Stress.  In this article, I'm focusing on learning to recognize when you're stress level is too high.

Recognizing the Signs When You're Under Too Much Stress

Why Wouldn't Someone Know When They're Under Too Much Stress?
It might seem unusual to pose the question of how you know when you're under too much stress.  After all, many people recognize the symptoms and complain about being too frazzled.

But people who have endured acute stress from childhood often don't recognize when their stress level is too high because they're so accustomed to acute stress and don't recognize it as being an unhealthy state.  It feels "normal" to them.  But enduring acute stress on a long term basis can have negative medical and psychological consequences.  I'll address these issues of in my next article.

One of the best ways to recognize that you're under too much stress is to observe the physical and psychological symptoms that are telltale signs of being under an unhealthy level of stress.

Many of these signs and symptoms can also involve other medical or psychological issues so, when in doubt, check with your medical doctor.

Warning Signs That You're Under Too Much Stress

Physical Symptoms:

• Insomnia
• Loss of appetite
• Eating too much
• Muscle tension, aches and pains, including shoulder and back pain
• Muscle spasms
• Upset stomach, including diarrhea, constipation, nausea 
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• Rapid heartbeat and/or chest pain
• Clenched jaw and grinding teeth, especially at night
• Nightmares
• Heartaches
• Feeling tired most of the time
• Low Energy most of the time
• Difficulty relaxing, even when tired
• High blood pressure
• Difficulty breathing
• Dry mouth and difficulty swallowing
• Low libido, problems with sexual performance
• Nervousness, shakiness, cold or sweaty hands and feet
• Nail biting
• Fidgeting
• Pacing back and forth

How Do You Know When You're Under Too Much Stress?

Psychological Symptoms:

• Feeling agitated, frustrated or moody
• Losing your temper easily
• Snapping at others
• Feeling easily overwhelmed
• Finding it difficulty to relax and quiet the mind
• Racing thoughts
• Isolating and avoiding others
• Feeling less pleasure in socializing or engaging in things that were once pleasurable
• Feeling hopeless
• Feeling helpless
• Feeling worthless/low self esteem
• Feeling depressed 
• Feeling pessimistic or only seeing the negative side of things
• Feeling anxious 
• Worrying persistently
• Feeling fearful and emotionally vulnerable
• Abusing alcohol or drugs
• Being forgetful 
• Having problems focusing

Social Isolation: One of the Signs That You Might Be Under Too Much Stress

These are just some of the many telltale signs of being under too much stress and, as I mentioned earlier, some of these symptoms can be related to other medical and/or psychological problems.

Lifestyle Changes For Stress Management
There are lifestyle changes that you can make to help you manage your stress.

See my articles:

• Stress Management: Taking Time For Self Care, 
• Managing Your Stress: Coping With Workplace Burnout, 
• Self Reflection and Basic Mindfulness
• Learning to Relax: Square Breathing 
• Mind-Body Connection: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?
• Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Next Article in the Psychotherapy Blog
In the next article, I'll be focusing specifically on people who grew up as children in families where there was chronic stress and the challenges that they have in recognizing when they're under too much stress as adults.

Conclusion
A certain amount of healthy stress is necessary to live life.

But chronic stress has a way of creeping up on you without you even being aware of it. Over time, chronic stress can have a physical and psychological debilitating effect.

If you're experiencing some of the symptoms mentioned above, you would be wise to consult with your medical doctor to rule out any medical problems since there are many medical issues that have the same symptoms.

Getting Help in Therapy
If your doctor has ruled out medical issues and you've made healthy lifestyle changes, but you're still overwhelmed by stress, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled, licensed psychotherapist can help you to get to the root of your problems so you can learn to manage your stress (see my articles: The Benefits of Therapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Getting help in therapy can make all the difference in the quality of your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to get to the root of their problems so they could manage their stress and live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Therapy?

I've written many articles for this psychotherapy blog about how to find a psychotherapist that's right for you, and how you know if your therapy is working for you.

See my articles: 

How to Choose a Psychotherapist

Psychotherapy: Psychotherapists Listening and Learning From Clients

Psychotherapy: How Talking to a Psychotherapist is Different From Talking to a Frien

Being Honest With Your Psychotherapist  

In this article, I'm focusing on how you know if you need to reevaluate your therapy and recognizing some of the possible signs that your therapy might not be working for you.

Is It Time to Reevaluate Your Therapy?  Warning Sign:  Therapist Frequently  Falls Asleep in  Session

Consider Reevaluating Your Therapy Under the Following Circumstances:

• Your therapist misrepresented his or her skills, which you discover after you begin therapy.
• Your therapist lacks the professional skills to help you and is working outside the scope of his or her expertise.
• Your therapist lacks empathy for your problems.
• Your therapist doesn't respect your ethnic, religious, racial or cultural background.
• Your therapist talks too much about him or herself in your sessions.
• Your therapist hardly talks at all and you feel alone.
• Your therapist frequently falls asleep during your sessions.
• Your therapist can't remember basic information about you from one session to the next, and you have to keep repeating your story.
• Your therapist tries to be your friend instead of your therapist.
• Your therapist doesn't like that you're developing other sources of emotional support among healthy family members and friends.
• Your therapist frequently takes non-emergency calls during your sessions.
• Your therapist often misses appointments or shows up late.
• Your therapist has a belittling or dismissive attitude towards you.
• Your therapist uses your sessions to try to get advice from you during your sessions (e.g., you're a financial advisor and therapist tries to get financial advice).
• Your therapist thinks that his or her method of doing therapy is "the only way."
• Your therapist doesn't continue to develop his or her professional skills at seminars, workshops or online.
• Your therapist pressures you to confront family members when either you're not ready or you know it would be dangerous to do so.
• Your therapist promises you that you will be "cured" of your problem by seeing him or her.
• Your therapist breaks confidentiality by naming other clients.
• Your therapist breaks confidentiality by providing information about you without your permission or without a mandate.

Recognize even more serious "red flags" about your therapy under the following circumstances:

• Your therapist crosses boundaries by being seductive or trying to initiate a sexual relationship with you (see my article: Boundary Violations and Sexual Exploitation in Psychotherapy).
• Your therapist's license has been revoked.
• Your therapist has no license at all and never had one.
• Your therapist tries to borrow money from you.
• Your therapist appears to be emotionally unstable.
• Your therapist appears to be impaired on alcohol or drugs during your sessions.
• Your therapist attempts to push his or her religion on you.
• Your therapist becomes too emotional when you talk about your problems.
• Your therapist is frequently late or doesn't show up for your appointments.

Serious "Red Flags" in Your Therapy: Sexual Boundary Violations

Under the first category of items, if you've expressed your concern and your therapist hasn't changed his or her behavior or attitude, it's your right to tell your therapist that the therapy isn't working for you and you'll be seeking other help.

Under the second category of items, the "red flag" items, these problems in therapy are serious enough for you to discontinue therapy and look for someone else, especially in cases of serious boundary violations.

Conclusion
It's not always easy to recognize these problems, especially when you're in a vulnerable state, which is why I hope this article will be helpful to clients who aren't sure if they need to reevaluate or leave their therapy.

I have been a psychotherapist for over 20 years and I've known many therapists.  I believe that the vast majority of therapists are caring, qualified and ethical professionals.  Most therapists enter the field because they feel a calling to help clients and use their expertise in an appropriate and professional manner.

But, just as there are unethical people in any profession, there are cases where some therapists shouldn't be in the profession.

Even if none of these circumstances apply, if you think you're not making progress in therapy after a reasonable time, you've discussed this with your therapist and you still don't know how your therapist is going to help you to overcome your problem, consider that you and your therapist just might not be a good fit or your therapist lacks the skills to help you.

Making a change in your therapy can feel daunting, but continuing to work with a therapist when the therapy isn't right for you is a waste of your time and money.

If you find yourself in one of these unfortunate circumstances in your therapy and you're not sure what to do, it might be wise to have a consultation with an experienced, objective therapist to talk over your concerns so you can make a decision about what to do.

Finding the Right Therapist Can Make All the Difference For Your Emotional Healing

Once you've found a psychotherapist that is the right therapist for you, it can make all the difference in your journey toward healing.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my articles:
The Therapist's Empathic Attunement in Therapy

Asking For What You Need in Therapy

Empowering Clients in Therapy - Part 1

Empowering Clients in Therapy - Part 2: Clinical Issues

Beyond the "Band Aid" Approach in Therapy

Ruptures and Repairs in Therapy

Psychotherapy and the Erotic Transference: When You "Fall In Love" With Your Therapist
What is EMDR Therapy?

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

In a prior article, Is Your Boyfriend Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With His Ex?, I explored this dynamic from the perspective of someone who is in a current relationship with someone who is still codependent with his ex.

I've also written other articles about codependency (see my articles: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First, How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin and Exploring Secondary Gains of Codependency).  In this article, I'm looking at the same issue from the perspective of the person who is stuck in a codependent relationship with his or her ex. 

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

We all know that breakups are hard, especially at the beginning.  They're even harder when codependency is involved.  Codependency can be emotional, financial, sexual or any other form of dependency that two people can get into together.

When two people have been codependent upon one another, it's especially difficult to end the relationships because neither person has learned to be independent.

This is often the result of childhood emotional neglect or abuse where emotional needs weren't met (see my article: Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

This dynamic can also be the result of growing up in an enmeshed family that fostered codependent relationships (see my article:  Enmeshed Families and Shame).

For the person who is doing the "rescuing," s/he often believes that the ex can't survive alone.  Except in the most dire circumstances, this is usually not the case.  But it's a way for the "rescuer" to delude him or herself into thinking that s/he must remain involved, even if it's not a romantic involvement.

One of the problems with this is that the "rescuer" is so focused on the ex's needs that s/he doesn't look at his or her own needs to continue to be involved.  The "rescuer" looks like the "strong one," but s/he is just as dependent as the ex, if not more so.

Continuing to "rescue" the ex doesn't allow the "rescuer" to grow as an individual or to develop a new relationship.  And even if s/he does manage to get involved in a new relationship, the codependent dynamics with the ex can interfere with the new relationship.

This sets the stage for triangulation between the "rescuer," the new partner and the ex with all the problems engendered in that dynamic.

Often, this is a way of the "rescuer" from being fully committed in the new relationship.  Most of the time this isn't a conscious choice.  It's usually unconscious.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario and see how these dynamics play out:

Bill, Meg and Ellen:
After being in a tumultuous relationship with Meg for over three years, Bill ended the relationship with much difficulty.

Bill was exhausted from trying to help Meg through constant emotional crises, and he knew he couldn't remain in the relationship anymore.

Initially, when they met, Bill thought Meg was an intelligent, charming woman who "had it all together."  He admired her passion for her business and how knowledgeable she seemed about the industry.

But within a few months of their dating, Meg called late one night in tears to tell him that she was heavily in debt and unable to meet her basic personal or business expenses. She was crying hysterically and she didn't know what to do.

Bill was completely taken off guard because this was the first time that Meg had revealed that she was in trouble.  Before this, she had led him to believe that she was doing very well.  But in this phone call she told him that she was too ashamed to tell him, at first, that she was in trouble and it was now to the point where she might be evicted from her home and her office.

Bill helped Meg go through her bills, and he agreed to lend Meg the money to get on her feet, and Meg gratefully accepted his loan.

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

Little did Bill know that this was the beginning of a slippery slope where Meg was in constant crisis and Bill was her "rescuer."

During the next three years, it was one thing after another:

• Meg was having problems with the IRS because she didn't file her income tax, so Bill paid for a tax accountant to bail her out.
• Meg had an argument with her mother, who had lent Meg money and now wanted it back, so Bill intervened as a mediator and paid Meg's mother back.
• Meg's top salesperson walked out on Meg because she felt that Meg was verbally abusive, so Bill intervened to smooth things over.
• Meg couldn't sleep at night, so she would call Bill at all hours of the night and he would calm her down.
• Meg went to the ER numerous times with chest pains and each time the doctors told her that it was anxiety and she should see a therapist, but she refused to get help in therapy and insisted each time that Bill accompany her, which he felt obligated to do it.

By the third year, Bill was emotionally and physically exhausted from all the chaos.  He knew that he was in an unhealthy relationship with Meg.  He pleaded with her to see a therapist, but she refused. She felt that all she needed was Bill.

He thought long and hard about breaking up with Meg, but he didn't know how she would get along without him.  Finally, he started therapy because he felt conflicted about whether to stay or leave the relationship.

Even though Bill wanted to focus on Meg, his therapist helped Bill to keep the focus on himself and his own need to be in this relationship.

At first, he was very uncomfortable looking at his own dynamics in the relationship.  He had been taught as a child that it was "selfish" to think about yourself first and that others should always come first.

Bill's therapist helped him to develop the internal resources before going deeper into his own personal history and how it affected him in his current relationship (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills in Therapy).

When his therapist thought he was ready, she used a technique in clinical hypnosis called the Affect Bridge to help Bill make an emotional and physical connection to the current situation and his childhood history.

His therapist wasn't surprised when Bill discovered that he had a similar relationship with Meg as he did with his mother.

From a young age, Bill became a "parentified child" as his mother got into one crisis after another and Bill tried to help his mother overcome her problems.  It was as if he was the parent and she was the child.

It became very clear to Bill that he couldn't continue in his relationship with Meg, especially since she refused to get help, because it was affecting him physically and emotionally and it was a repetition of a childhood trauma.  So, he and his therapist talked about how he would end the relationship with Meg.

It took a few more months before Bill could summon the courage to tell Meg that he wanted to end the relationship, but when he did, Meg became enraged.  She was no longer the charming, loving girlfriend.  She became angry and vindictive.  She threatened to call his boss and tell him lies to get Bill fired.  She left voicemail messages on Bill's cellphone with all kinds of other threats.

Bill was shocked to see this other side of Meg, and he kept his distance.  But he also felt very guilty and wondered how Meg would get along without him.

In the meantime, he continued to see his therapist and worked on maintaining his resolve not to call Meg.

A few months later, Meg stopped calling Bill.  He was still worried about her, and he felt guilty, but he didn't call her.  Soon after that, he met another woman, Ellen, whom he really liked and began dating.

His relationship with Ellen was warming, loving and harmonious.  It had none of the emotional drama that was involved in his relationship with Meg (see my article: Hooked on Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Roller Coaster).

Even though he had not spoken with Meg in several months, Bill still wondered how she was doing.  Since Meg was no longer calling him and threatening, he thought it wouldn't be a problem to call her briefly to find out how she was doing.

His therapist was away, so he couldn't discuss it with her, so he decided to give Meg a friendly call.  But as soon as he got Meg on the phone, she began yelling and threatening him again.

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

He told her that he had only called to find out how she was doing, but he was going to hang up because she was becoming abusive.

Then, Meg broke down in tears and told Bill that she was sorry for everything, that she was miserable without him, she was lonely and she had no one to turn to.

A few weeks later when Bill talked about this phone call in his next therapy session, he told his therapist how he felt himself irresistibly pulled in again, and he began to meet Meg for coffee to listen to her problems without telling Ellen.

But Ellen soon found out and she ended their relationship because he kept his visits with Meg a secret from her.  Bill pleaded with Ellen to take him back but, inwardly, he felt caught between his Ellen and Meg.  He knew that he loved Ellen and his relationship with her was a healthier relationship, but he also felt compelled to continue to help Meg.

Bill's therapist helped him to see his own codependent emotional needs at the point when he called Meg again, and he took responsibility for recreating this problem in his life.  He wanted to be with Ellen, but he just didn't know how he could "abandon" Meg (see my article: Why Understanding Your Problems Isn't Enough to Change Them).

After working on this issue for several months and working through the original childhood trauma with EMDR Therapy, Bill felt ready to let go of his role as Meg's "rescuer" (see my article: What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?)

Deep down, he also knew that by continuing to bail her out of situations, he was enabling Meg to continue to get into one crisis after another and she would never take responsibility for her life.

After a few weeks, Meg's desperate calls stopped and Bill breathed a sigh of relief.  For the first time, he felt that, even though he felt compassionate towards Meg, he wasn't responsible for her and she would have to work out her own problems without him.

When he recontacted Ellen and told her about the work he did in therapy, she agreed to meet with him so they could talk.  After meeting a few times to talk, they started dating again and resumed their relationship.

Conclusion
The fictionalized scenario about Bill, Meg and Ellen demonstrates that the roots of codependent relationships are usually found in early childhood relationships.

This is often what makes these relationships so compelling--not only are you experiencing the emotions related to the current situation but, on an unconscious level, you're also experiencing old childhood wounds.

The combination of the conscious emotions and the older unconscious emotions can be very powerful.

This is why it's so important to work through the earlier childhood trauma--otherwise, you can get out of one codependent relationship and go right into another one without even realizing it.

It's not always obvious from the start of a relationship that it will turn into a codependent relationship.  Often, people put their best foot forward at the beginning and only later reveal their need to be "rescued."  And often you don't feel the need to "rescue"at the beginning of the relationship, but it can develop with time.

The most important step you can take, if you find yourself in a codependent relationship, is to put the focus back on yourself and recognize how you're being affected by the relationship (see my article: Losing Yourself in a Relationship).

While it might seem that your partner (or your ex) is the "needy one," this is an illusion.  The person who is doing the "rescuing" has an emotional need to be in this dynamic just as much as the person who is living a crisis-oriented, chaotic life.

These relationships are often hard to let go of by yourself because the emotions can be so overpowering.

Even when you have managed to end a codependent relationship and you're in a healthier relationship, it's not unusual to feel compelled to go back to the former relationship or get involved with "rescuing" again.

Getting Help in Therapy
Getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience with helping people in codependent relationships, can make all the difference between remaining in an unhealthy relationship which is draining you emotionally and physically and living a healthier, happier life.

Getting Help in Therapy

Take the first step to get help by setting up a therapy consultation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people overcome codependent dynamics.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Narcissism Develops at an Early Age

In a previous article, I wrote about people who have narcissistic personalities (see my article: Narcissism: An Emotional Seesaw Between Grandiosity and Shame).

How Narcissism Develops at an Early Age

In this article, I'm focusing on how narcissism develops in childhood.

No one is born with a narcissistic personality, although some children seem to be more vulnerable than others.

Children who develop a narcissistic personality are usually overvalued by their parents.

Rather than the parents expressing warmth and love, they tell their children that they're "perfect" or "the best" or "the most attractive" and so on.

This overvaluation is beyond just average complimenting or praising of a child.  It's usually ongoing, over-the-top and exaggerated praise about how special the child is compared to other children.

This exaggerated praise usually comes from parents who are themselves narcissistic and who want to feel that their child is "special."  Having a "special" child reflects on their own specialness.

Narcissistic personality isn't a monolithic diagnosis.  Individual children and adults can have varying degrees of narcissism.  Some are more grandiose with an inflated sense of themselves and others are more narcissistically vulnerable and easily wounded.

Like narcissistic adults, children who have narcissistic personalities are often charming, intelligent and creative.  They can be a lot fun--as long as they're getting their way.

They often have problems when they interact with other children when things don't go their way.  Having been raised to feel that they're entitled to special treatment, they can become enraged when they don't get it.

Since they're raised with an exaggerated sense of entitlement and, often, without a sense of empathy for others, they usually insist on having their way, even when it's to the detriment of other children.

The following scenario is a fictionalized vignette that illustrates the problems that children with narcissistic personality often have:

Anne
Anne was raised as an only child who was raised primarily by her mother.

Anne's parents were divorced shortly after she was born.  The father moved to the West Coast to take a job and only saw Anne when he visited NYC every few months.

Anne began having problems in school soon after she began Kindergarten.  Although she was intelligent, outgoing and charming, she often got into arguments with other children when they were playing.

How Narcissism Develops at an Early Age

Anne insisted on dominating the other children during playtime, and she would have temper tantrums when she didn't get her way or if she couldn't be the center of attention.

Anne's teacher, Sally, had a meeting with Anne's mother, Joyce, to talk to her about Anne's behavior.

Before Sally could explain the problem, Joyce began telling her how "special" Anne is and that it was important for Sally and the other children to recognize this.

When Sally tried to explain to Joyce that Anne wasn't learning how to interact with the other children because she was so insistent on having her way, Joyce had a hard time understanding why this was a problem, "Why not just let Anne have her way?"

By the end of the conversation, Joyce was angry and told Sally that Sally wasn't perceptive enough to see how special Anne is and Sally shouldn't be a teacher.

Soon after that, Joyce removed Anne from the school and decided to home school her.

Anne made some friends in the neighborhood, but she had a hard time keeping friends.  If she didn't get her way, Anne would argue or hit the other children until she alienated them.

Even though Anne spent much of her time alone and lonely, her mother continued to tell her how special she was and that if other people couldn't see that she was entitled to special treatment, it was their problem.

When Anne was 10, Joyce was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  She died within nine months of her diagnosis and Anne had to go live with her father, his second wife and their children.

Sad, angry and resentful, Anne didn't respond well to the boundaries and limit setting imposed on her by her father and stepmother.

When she was asked to do household chores, like the other children, she refused and got into power struggles with her father and stepmother.  She also showed disdain for her step siblings.

Her father and stepmother could see that Anne was suffering and that, despite her air of superiority, she was really a vulnerable, insecure child.

They decided to take her to see a child therapist, which also enraged Anne.

Initially, Anne refused to participate in play therapy but, after a few weeks, she allowed the child therapist to engage her.

Through play therapy, after several months, Anne began to learn to have empathy for others.  She also developed better social skills.

Her father and stepmother also met with the child therapist once a month to learn how to cope with Anne and how to enhance the skills that Anne was learning in therapy.

As Anne began to feel more comfortable in therapy, she looked forward to attending her sessions.  She also grieved for the loss of her mother.

At that point, Anne was back in school and attempting to negotiate relationships with other children, which was very difficult for her.

Her father, stepmother and child therapist knew that Anne had turned a corner when Anne found out that one of her classmates lost her father and Anne felt genuine concern for this classmate.  She went out of her way to spend time with her and comfort her.

Anne was also getting along better with her half siblings at home and accepting her share of responsibilities in the house.

By then, Anne was also making friends with other children in her school.  She still had to fight off the feeling that she should be the center of attention all the time and get her way.  But she was making progress and her father and stepmother felt hopeful for her.

Conclusion
Narcissism often develops at an early age as a result of one or both parents overindulging a child and giving that child an exaggerated sense of entitlement.

Narcissism isn't always apparent immediately because these children are often charming, intelligent and engaging--until they don't get their way or until someone disagrees with them.

A lack of empathy is the hallmark of narcissism, and if a parent raises a child to only think or him or herself to the exclusion of others, this child will have difficulty in interpersonal relationships.

With help, young children can change and develop empathy and a more realistic view of themselves and others.

Usually, the older the child, the harder it will be for the child to overcome narcissism, although for most children there can be improvement.

It's very important for parents of narcissistic children to, at least, participate monthly in their children's therapy.  Ideally, they would benefit from participating in their own therapy to understand their own narcissism and their need to overvalue their children as a way of inflating their own sense of self.

Getting Help in Therapy
It is much easier for a child with narcissistic traits to get help in therapy than it is for an adult with narcissistic traits.

Most adults with narcissistic traits don't ever come to therapy because they lack the self awareness to see that they're having problems.  They often assume that the people around them are the ones who have problems.

However, some adults with narcissistic traits come to therapy after they have sustained serious multiple losses, like the end of a marriage or the loss of close friends.

If you recognize yourself or your child from the fictionalized scenario above, therapy can be helpful, especially if you see a therapist who specializes in working with narcissism.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:  
A Romantic Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner Can Be Damaging to Your Self Esteem

The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable

Infidelity is more common than most people think.

I've written about infidelity in prior articles.

Broken Promises - Surviving Infidelity

Coping With the Sudden Feeling That You Don't Really Know Your Spouse

When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission

Relationships: Coping With Infidelity

After the Affair: Can You Trust Your Spouse?

The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable

In this article, I'm focused on the connection between infidelity and the need to feel desirable.

Esther Perel, a Belgium psychotherapist, who is a relationship expert, writes about this topic in one of her articles.

Most people seem to believe that infidelity occurs mostly because the relationship isn't working out.

But Dr. Perel's article highlights that infidelity can occur in an otherwise happy relationship, demonstrating how the need to feel desirable to someone new can be at the root of the infidelity, even when there aren't other problems in the relationship.

In many cases, the infidelity never becomes physical--it remains on the level of flirting either in person or online or sexting.  The spouse, who is involved in this type of interaction outside the relationship, often enters into a fantasy world with the other individual and, in that fantasy, he or she feels desirable.

This feeling of being desirable can be "intoxicating" and difficult to let go of, even when the unfaithful spouse wants to stop engaging in this behavior.

Clinical Vignette
I would like to expand on these ideas with the fictionalized vignette below, which is representative of many different cases with all identifying information changed:

Ruth and Ed
Ruth and Ed were married for several years when Ruth discovered flirtatious email between Ed and a colleague.

Ruth was devastated.  She had always thought that she and Ed had a good relationship but, as she read email after email in which Ed and another woman engaged in sexual fantasies, she felt shocked, hurt and betrayed.

When she confronted Ed about the emails, he felt deeply ashamed.  He tried to tell Ruth that nothing physical happened between him and the other woman but, at that point, Ruth didn't believe him.  She told him to leave the apartment and check into a hotel for a couple of weeks until she could sort out her feelings.

After a few weeks, Ed persuaded Ruth to go to marriage counseling.

During their marriage counseling sessions, the therapist helped Ed to explore what triggered his infidelity, and he realized that he liked the way he felt when the other woman flirted with him via email.  It made him feel attractive and desirable.

However, he was quick to say that he had no real feelings for the other woman.  In fact, he never anticipated that the flirty emails would develop into anything.

Ed said he realized that it was selfish of him to jeopardize his marriage in this way.

The therapist also helped Ruth to explore her feelings, and Ruth expressed feeling angry, but most of all she felt hurt and betrayed.

During the next few months, both Ruth and Ed became increasingly committed to their relationship and to their marriage counseling sessions.  They both wanted to find out what they could do to get past this chapter in their lives so they could build a stronger relationship.

Ruth expressed that she felt badly that she wasn't the one who made Ed feel desirable and she acknowledged that she might have taken him for granted a little during the last few years (although she and Ed both knew that this didn't excuse his behavior).

They both wanted to explore ways to reignite the passion in their relationship so they could both feel desirable to one another.

Their commitment to the relationship and their willingness to do the necessary work in therapy is what helped them to overcome this traumatic period.

The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable

In the end, they each came away feeling that their love was even stronger than it had been before Ruth discovered the emails.

Conclusion
Many people assume that if there is infidelity in a relationship it means that there are problems with the relationship.

But, as I mentioned earlier, there are many instances where one or both people in a relationship engage in infidelity not because there is a problem in the relationship but because it makes them feel desirable to someone else.

This is often not readily apparent to either person until they begin to explore these dynamics in couples therapy.

Depending upon the individuals in the relationship, many relationships can be salvaged under these circumstances.

There are couples who say they have gotten past the problem but, in many instances, one or both people never get over it.

For those couples, it can become something that is used as a "weapon" when there are other problems, usually with the person who feels betrayed brings it up at unexpected times.

For other couples, like the couple mentioned in the fictionalized scenario above, working through this problem can be a source of emotional growth that improves the relationship beyond how things were before the infidelity.

A skilled therapist will not have an agenda to either keep the couple together or to see them split up.  This important decision is completely up to both individuals in the relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Individual and couples therapy is a valuable resource to help understand the underlying cause of the infidelity in a relationship.

If they decide to split up, therapy can help a couple to do it in as amicable a way as possible so that each person can be his or her own "best self" through the process.

If they decide to stay together, each person needs to be committed to seeing the process through in order to benefit from therapy.

If you're having problems with infidelity in your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to get professional help rather than making decisions that you might ultimately regret.

A skilled therapist who works with couples is objective and experienced in helping couples to understand internal as well as intersubjective dynamics so that each person can make decisions about the relationship.

Taking the first step, which is setting up a psychotherapy consultation, is often the hardest, but it might just be the best thing that you ever do for yourself your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have worked with many individuals and couples to deal with infidelity.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Co-Parenting After the Divorce

In a prior article, Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce, I discussed how to talk to young children about divorce.  In this article, I'm focusing on co-parenting after the divorce.

Co-Parenting After the Divorce

When a happy, romantic marriage disintegrates, it can be traumatic for the married couple as well as the children.

Most people don't get married with the idea that they'll be getting divorced one day.  There are usually expectations of a romantic, happy life together.

Unfortunately, about half of all marriages end in divorce.  Often, this is due to unrealistic expectations of marriage.

Whatever the reason for the divorce, if there aren't children involved, the two formerly married people need never see each other again.  This allows each person to grieve the end of the relationship and to, eventually, move on.

But when formerly married people have children, they need to find a way to co-parent their children in a mature, respectful way.

Despite their best efforts, many people struggle to find a way to co-parent without doing harm to their children.

Co-Parenting After the Divorce

The worst cases involve one or both parents who lack the necessary emotional maturity and interpersonal skills to co-parent and who end up doing emotional damage to their children.

Here are some basic concepts to co-parenting well:

• Accept that the marriage is over and don't try to use your children to get your ex back.  Not only is this disrespectful to your ex, but it's emotionally damaging to your children to expect them to function in this way.  Be the adult.  Don't use your children as pawns and don't expect your children to be the adults.
• Negotiate a plan with your ex, if possible, for how the two of you will speak to the children about the changes in their lives.
• Speak with the children yourself, if it's not possible for your ex to be there, explain the changes and be prepared for questions.
• Recognize that co-parenting is a challenge and prepare yourself to handle challenges as they arise.
• Be prepared for your children to try to get you and your ex back together again, even after you have explained many times why you're not together.
• Work with your ex, if possible, to get on the same page about basic rules so that your children will have a stable environment in your home as well as in your ex's home, including:  sleep time, when to do homework, curfews, etc.
• Be respectful of your ex.  Although it might be gratifying on some level for you to hear your children criticize your ex, be sure to foster a respectful environment in your home.
• Recognize that the situation will be continuously changing over time, including new romantic relationships for you and/or your partner, new marriages, new siblings or step siblings of your children, and so on.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people who are in unhappy marriages think that they will feel completely better after the divorce.

While it's true that some of the relationship pressure between you and your ex will no longer be an issue, other issues related to co-parenting can be just as difficult if not more so.

Family and friends might be supportive, but they might not be the most objective.  In the worst of cases, they might unintentionally fan the flames of your anger and despair about the divorce and co-parenting issues.

If you're finding it difficult to handle the aftermath of your divorce, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who is objective and has the experience and skills to help you overcome the challenges that you're facing.

If you're feeling unsure as to whether you want to go to therapy, it's usually best to think of the first session as a consultation where you're under no obligation to continue if you don't feel comfortable with the therapist.

The best predictor of a good outcome in therapy is for you to feel a rapport with the therapist.

Family therapy can also be helpful to assist you, your children and your ex with the transition.

So, if you're really struggling emotionally, don't wait until you're in an emotional crisis to seek help.  Take the first step today by setting up a therapy consultation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients through the aftermath of their divorce and the challenges of co-parenting.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.