Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

In a prior article, Is Your Boyfriend Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With His Ex?, I explored this dynamic from the perspective of someone who is in a current relationship with someone who is still codependent with his ex.

I've also written other articles about codependency (see my articles: Overcoming Codependency: Taking Care of Yourself First, How to Stop Being the "Rescuer" in Your Family of Origin and Exploring Secondary Gains of Codependency).  In this article, I'm looking at the same issue from the perspective of the person who is stuck in a codependent relationship with his or her ex. 

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

We all know that breakups are hard, especially at the beginning.  They're even harder when codependency is involved.  Codependency can be emotional, financial, sexual or any other form of dependency that two people can get into together.

When two people have been codependent upon one another, it's especially difficult to end the relationships because neither person has learned to be independent.

This is often the result of childhood emotional neglect or abuse where emotional needs weren't met (see my article: Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

This dynamic can also be the result of growing up in an enmeshed family that fostered codependent relationships (see my article:  Enmeshed Families and Shame).

For the person who is doing the "rescuing," s/he often believes that the ex can't survive alone.  Except in the most dire circumstances, this is usually not the case.  But it's a way for the "rescuer" to delude him or herself into thinking that s/he must remain involved, even if it's not a romantic involvement.

One of the problems with this is that the "rescuer" is so focused on the ex's needs that s/he doesn't look at his or her own needs to continue to be involved.  The "rescuer" looks like the "strong one," but s/he is just as dependent as the ex, if not more so.

Continuing to "rescue" the ex doesn't allow the "rescuer" to grow as an individual or to develop a new relationship.  And even if s/he does manage to get involved in a new relationship, the codependent dynamics with the ex can interfere with the new relationship.

This sets the stage for triangulation between the "rescuer," the new partner and the ex with all the problems engendered in that dynamic.

Often, this is a way of the "rescuer" from being fully committed in the new relationship.  Most of the time this isn't a conscious choice.  It's usually unconscious.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario and see how these dynamics play out:

Bill, Meg and Ellen:
After being in a tumultuous relationship with Meg for over three years, Bill ended the relationship with much difficulty.

Bill was exhausted from trying to help Meg through constant emotional crises, and he knew he couldn't remain in the relationship anymore.

Initially, when they met, Bill thought Meg was an intelligent, charming woman who "had it all together."  He admired her passion for her business and how knowledgeable she seemed about the industry.

But within a few months of their dating, Meg called late one night in tears to tell him that she was heavily in debt and unable to meet her basic personal or business expenses. She was crying hysterically and she didn't know what to do.

Bill was completely taken off guard because this was the first time that Meg had revealed that she was in trouble.  Before this, she had led him to believe that she was doing very well.  But in this phone call she told him that she was too ashamed to tell him, at first, that she was in trouble and it was now to the point where she might be evicted from her home and her office.

Bill helped Meg go through her bills, and he agreed to lend Meg the money to get on her feet, and Meg gratefully accepted his loan.

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

Little did Bill know that this was the beginning of a slippery slope where Meg was in constant crisis and Bill was her "rescuer."

During the next three years, it was one thing after another:

• Meg was having problems with the IRS because she didn't file her income tax, so Bill paid for a tax accountant to bail her out.
• Meg had an argument with her mother, who had lent Meg money and now wanted it back, so Bill intervened as a mediator and paid Meg's mother back.
• Meg's top salesperson walked out on Meg because she felt that Meg was verbally abusive, so Bill intervened to smooth things over.
• Meg couldn't sleep at night, so she would call Bill at all hours of the night and he would calm her down.
• Meg went to the ER numerous times with chest pains and each time the doctors told her that it was anxiety and she should see a therapist, but she refused to get help in therapy and insisted each time that Bill accompany her, which he felt obligated to do it.

By the third year, Bill was emotionally and physically exhausted from all the chaos.  He knew that he was in an unhealthy relationship with Meg.  He pleaded with her to see a therapist, but she refused. She felt that all she needed was Bill.

He thought long and hard about breaking up with Meg, but he didn't know how she would get along without him.  Finally, he started therapy because he felt conflicted about whether to stay or leave the relationship.

Even though Bill wanted to focus on Meg, his therapist helped Bill to keep the focus on himself and his own need to be in this relationship.

At first, he was very uncomfortable looking at his own dynamics in the relationship.  He had been taught as a child that it was "selfish" to think about yourself first and that others should always come first.

Bill's therapist helped him to develop the internal resources before going deeper into his own personal history and how it affected him in his current relationship (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills in Therapy).

When his therapist thought he was ready, she used a technique in clinical hypnosis called the Affect Bridge to help Bill make an emotional and physical connection to the current situation and his childhood history.

His therapist wasn't surprised when Bill discovered that he had a similar relationship with Meg as he did with his mother.

From a young age, Bill became a "parentified child" as his mother got into one crisis after another and Bill tried to help his mother overcome her problems.  It was as if he was the parent and she was the child.

It became very clear to Bill that he couldn't continue in his relationship with Meg, especially since she refused to get help, because it was affecting him physically and emotionally and it was a repetition of a childhood trauma.  So, he and his therapist talked about how he would end the relationship with Meg.

It took a few more months before Bill could summon the courage to tell Meg that he wanted to end the relationship, but when he did, Meg became enraged.  She was no longer the charming, loving girlfriend.  She became angry and vindictive.  She threatened to call his boss and tell him lies to get Bill fired.  She left voicemail messages on Bill's cellphone with all kinds of other threats.

Bill was shocked to see this other side of Meg, and he kept his distance.  But he also felt very guilty and wondered how Meg would get along without him.

In the meantime, he continued to see his therapist and worked on maintaining his resolve not to call Meg.

A few months later, Meg stopped calling Bill.  He was still worried about her, and he felt guilty, but he didn't call her.  Soon after that, he met another woman, Ellen, whom he really liked and began dating.

His relationship with Ellen was warming, loving and harmonious.  It had none of the emotional drama that was involved in his relationship with Meg (see my article: Hooked on Emotional Drama: Getting Off the Roller Coaster).

Even though he had not spoken with Meg in several months, Bill still wondered how she was doing.  Since Meg was no longer calling him and threatening, he thought it wouldn't be a problem to call her briefly to find out how she was doing.

His therapist was away, so he couldn't discuss it with her, so he decided to give Meg a friendly call.  But as soon as he got Meg on the phone, she began yelling and threatening him again.

Are You in a Codependent Relationship With Your Ex?

He told her that he had only called to find out how she was doing, but he was going to hang up because she was becoming abusive.

Then, Meg broke down in tears and told Bill that she was sorry for everything, that she was miserable without him, she was lonely and she had no one to turn to.

A few weeks later when Bill talked about this phone call in his next therapy session, he told his therapist how he felt himself irresistibly pulled in again, and he began to meet Meg for coffee to listen to her problems without telling Ellen.

But Ellen soon found out and she ended their relationship because he kept his visits with Meg a secret from her.  Bill pleaded with Ellen to take him back but, inwardly, he felt caught between his Ellen and Meg.  He knew that he loved Ellen and his relationship with her was a healthier relationship, but he also felt compelled to continue to help Meg.

Bill's therapist helped him to see his own codependent emotional needs at the point when he called Meg again, and he took responsibility for recreating this problem in his life.  He wanted to be with Ellen, but he just didn't know how he could "abandon" Meg (see my article: Why Understanding Your Problems Isn't Enough to Change Them).

After working on this issue for several months and working through the original childhood trauma with EMDR Therapy, Bill felt ready to let go of his role as Meg's "rescuer" (see my article: What is Adjunctive EMDR Therapy?)

Deep down, he also knew that by continuing to bail her out of situations, he was enabling Meg to continue to get into one crisis after another and she would never take responsibility for her life.

After a few weeks, Meg's desperate calls stopped and Bill breathed a sigh of relief.  For the first time, he felt that, even though he felt compassionate towards Meg, he wasn't responsible for her and she would have to work out her own problems without him.

When he recontacted Ellen and told her about the work he did in therapy, she agreed to meet with him so they could talk.  After meeting a few times to talk, they started dating again and resumed their relationship.

Conclusion
The fictionalized scenario about Bill, Meg and Ellen demonstrates that the roots of codependent relationships are usually found in early childhood relationships.

This is often what makes these relationships so compelling--not only are you experiencing the emotions related to the current situation but, on an unconscious level, you're also experiencing old childhood wounds.

The combination of the conscious emotions and the older unconscious emotions can be very powerful.

This is why it's so important to work through the earlier childhood trauma--otherwise, you can get out of one codependent relationship and go right into another one without even realizing it.

It's not always obvious from the start of a relationship that it will turn into a codependent relationship.  Often, people put their best foot forward at the beginning and only later reveal their need to be "rescued."  And often you don't feel the need to "rescue"at the beginning of the relationship, but it can develop with time.

The most important step you can take, if you find yourself in a codependent relationship, is to put the focus back on yourself and recognize how you're being affected by the relationship (see my article: Losing Yourself in a Relationship).

While it might seem that your partner (or your ex) is the "needy one," this is an illusion.  The person who is doing the "rescuing" has an emotional need to be in this dynamic just as much as the person who is living a crisis-oriented, chaotic life.

These relationships are often hard to let go of by yourself because the emotions can be so overpowering.

Even when you have managed to end a codependent relationship and you're in a healthier relationship, it's not unusual to feel compelled to go back to the former relationship or get involved with "rescuing" again.

Getting Help in Therapy
Getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience with helping people in codependent relationships, can make all the difference between remaining in an unhealthy relationship which is draining you emotionally and physically and living a healthier, happier life.

Getting Help in Therapy

Take the first step to get help by setting up a therapy consultation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many people overcome codependent dynamics.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Fantasies of Being Rescued

Who hasn't gone through a life crisis, at one time or another, and fantasized that someone would come along and rescue them from all their problems?  This person would know just what to say and do to make things right again.  Indulging in this kind of fantasy, knowing that it's really a fantasy and that, as adults, we're ultimately responsible for ourselves, isn't unusual. It's a little like wishing that we'd win the lottery.  We might have the wish, but then we come back down to earth and deal with the reality of our situation.

Overcoming Fantasies of Being Rescued

It's one thing to have an occasional fantasy about being rescued and it's another thing to live your life waiting for someone to come along, the proverbial "knight in shining armor," to sweep you off your feet and take you to his castle.

Often, not surprisingly, people who have rescue fantasies weren't nurtured as children, and the inner child in them is still hoping that someone will come along to fulfill that unmet need.  This isn't always apparent to the person with this fantasy or the people who are close to him or her (there are men who also have rescue fantasies).

Overcoming Fantasies of Being Rescued 

Making matters worse, there are people who have fantasies about rescuing people who find people who want to be rescued and form an unhealthy, codependent relationship.  If they remain in the rescuer-rescuee dynamic, they don't grow as individuals or as a couple.  They remain stunted in their rigid roles.  This is very different from two mature adults who come to a relationship as whole individuals and who rely on each other in a healthy way for emotional support.

Inner child work with a skilled, licensed mental health professional can help you to overcome the fantasy of being rescued.  Rather than making a maladaptive effort to heal by pinning all your hopes on someone else, it's much more empowering to develop your own internal resources to heal your inner child.

Clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing are safe and effective forms of therapy to heal the inner child. A skilled clinician can guide you through the inner child work process so that you mourn what you didn't get and, more importantly, your adult self learns to take care of your inner child, and the different parts of yourself are more integrated.

As an integrated individual, you will attract healthier people and you'll be much more likely to have a happier and healthier relationship than if you remained stuck in the fantasy that someone will come along to rescue you.  But even if you're not in a relationship, you'll still feel like an emotionally healthy, whole person.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself

As a psychotherapist in New York City, it's not unusual for me to work with clients who come in because they're upset about a loved one's behavior. It might be a husband who refuses to stop drinking, a mother who continues to be masochistic, a father who is emotionally detached, a sister who has a long history of getting involved with abusive men, and so on.

 

Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself

Trying to Get Loved Ones to Change:
Listening to these sad stories, I can certainly understand and feel compassion for someone who is sad and dismayed that his loved one continues to engage in dysfunctional or self destructive behavior, and that his inclination is to try to "fix" them in some way. After all, don't we all want the best for the people that we love?

Searching for "Just the Right Words" to Get Your Loved One to Change:
Often, clients come to therapy because they think they're going to learn what to do or say to change someone else's behavior. They think if they say just the right thing in just the right way, maybe they can get their loved ones to see their point of view so that they can start changing their behavior. They reason that if only they can come up with the perfect solution, their spouse, father, mother, sister, or best friend will "see the light" and everything will be okay.

Often, these clients will ask me, "Have you worked with anyone who has this problem?" (referring to their loved ones). As an experienced, psychotherapist, usually, I have experience working with people who have the same kinds of problems. At that point, when I tell them that I have, clients are relieved to know that I understand what they're talking about.

The very next question is usually, "So, what did you do or say to change that person?" When I tell a client that I don't have the power to change anyone, they often seem mystified. After all, isn't that why people come to see psychotherapists--so the therapist can make them change? Well, not really.

No One Can Make Anyone Change if He Doesn't Want to Change:
The truth is that no one can make anyone change if he or she doesn't want to change. Even when they want to change, it's not the psychotherapist's job to get them to change. When I realized that, as a psychotherapist in training, it was a humbling experience.

But, ultimately, it was a big relief: As long as I know that I did everything that I know how to do, my responsibility ends there. I might wish for a different outcome for my client, but I'm not responsible for making anyone change or saving anyone or forcing them to do anything that they didn't want to do. It's completely up to the client. I can provide compassion, some guidance and tools, help them to explore underlying issues, assist them to overcome trauma, help them through the healing process, but I can't make anyone do anything that they don't want to do.

For many clients who come in because they want to change someone else that is close to them, they often don't believe me, at first, when I tell them this. It's as if they're thinking, "Surely, she must have the answer and she's waiting for me to come up with it myself, but if I don't figure it out, she'll tell me."

"But I keep telling him that he needs to change. Why doesn't he listen to me?"
One of the saddest things that I hear in my office from clients who are trying to get someone else to change is, "But I keep telling him that if he continues to do this, he'll destroy himself. I can't understand why he doesn't listen to me." Then, often, they'll ask me to speculate as to why their loved one is not listening to reason (as if I know). They seem to think if they can only figure out why this person is not listening to them, then they can get them to listen and to change.

Just like anyone else, in the past, I've experienced these feelings too for people that I've cared about and wanted to change. So, I have a lot of compassion for clients who come in hoping that they'll learn what they can do to change or save their loved ones. I've been there, and I know what that's like. But the longer I do this work, the more I realize that some people are just not going to change, no matter how much you want them to and, sometimes, no matter how much they say they want to change.

One of the hardest things that I have to tell clients is that their loved one is probably not going to change, no matter what they say to their loved ones and no matter what they do. I wouldn't say "never" to anyone because I've also seen many people make miraculous changes in their lives. Having witnessed this, I'm always open to the possibility of someone turning their lives completely around. Every year, I get calls or emails from former clients who tell me that they're continuing to live sober lives, or they continue to be much happier than when they first came to therapy, or whatever changes they made that they might never have thought that they could make. It's so gratifying and heart warming to hear from these clients.

I Meet Extraordinary People in My Office Every Day:
So, it's not that I don't believe that people can change--because I meet extraordinary people every day, and I'm so grateful to have a job where I can witness such wonderful changes. The problem is that when clients come to therapy focused almost exclusively on changing someone else, they often neglect themselves. Not only do they neglect themselves, but they've become so immersed in trying to get the other person to change that, they're convinced, against all odds, that they can do something to get their loved ones to change.

The Role of Denial:
Years ago, I had a friend who, up until the day his wife died from alcohol-related complications, was convinced that he could get her to stop drinking. He was in such denial that, despite all evidence to the contrary (including her severe liver damage, cognitive impairment, and her non-stop drinking), he could not be deterred from his efforts to get her to be abstinent from alcohol. When she died, even though he had watched her steady decline at close range, he was the only person who was surprised by her death. He was also shattered to realize that nothing he did made any difference.

The Role of the Inner Child:
Very often, when an adult child wants to change a parent, there is an inner child part that is wishing, against all odds, that the parent will change. Clients are often surprised to hear that, even though they might be adults in their 40s, 50s and beyond, they can still have inner child parts that are still operating on a deep emotional level. They're surprised to discover that their inner child has taken control of their emotions and their reasoning, and this can have a very powerful effect on how they feel and think.

Your inner child might be buried deep, but he or she is still there and will often get emotionally triggered in certain situations. Typically, these situations involve an old desire, that is still very strong, to change someone that he or she loves. It doesn't have to be the same person that they wanted to change as a child. It could be someone else. So, for example, if a young boy had a strong desire to stop his alcoholic mother from drinking, it's not unusual for him to have the same feelings when he gets married to a woman who is an active alcoholic.

Helping the Inner Child to "Update the File:" "That was Then, This is Now":
Because our inner children are often so fragile and vulnerable emotionally, we don't want to run roughshod over them. However, we do want to help our inner children to realize that "that was then, and this is now. Of course, you had a strong wish and fantasy that your mother would stop drinking and somehow you would help her to stop. That was perfectly understandable back then, but this is now. "

Typically, a therapist, who works with clients who come to therapy primarily to help a loved one, helps these clients to "update the file." Often, this involves trauma work to work through the old trauma that is getting triggered again in the new situation. There is also grief work to be done for the old situation and the current situation.

On the Road to Acceptance: "So...I guess she's probably not going to change."A client who is starting to come to grips with the fact that their loved one is probably not going to change will often say, almost in a questioning tone,"So...I guess she's probably not going to change." This is a big step in that client's recovery. It might be a tentative step, and it might involve taking one step forward and another step backwards as denial sets in again. But it's the beginning of an opening for the adult self to nurture that inner child.

Focusing on Yourself:
Rather than continuing to neglect themselves by focusing so much on changing the other person, clients who are coming to grips with the reality of their situation, ideally, begin to focus on themselves. Maybe they've neglected their own health. Or, maybe they've neglected themselves in some other way because they've been so focused on their loved ones.

Coming to grips with the fact that, no matter how much we love them and what we're willing to do for them, sometimes, our loved ones just don't change, can be a very difficult emotional journey. We can go through many different stages as we, reluctantly, come to accept that they're not going to change: sadness, anger, disbelief, shock, and, hopefully, acceptance. We might go back and forth through these stages and there's no logical order.

Acceptance Can Be a Humbling Experience:
Accepting that you're the only one that you can change is a humbling experience. But it's often a relief for people who have worn themselves out trying to get the other person to change. By the time they stop trying, they often need to regroup and, sometimes, get to know themselves again. The focus has been so much on the other person that these people often lose a sense of themselves.

Codependence, But So Much More:
Often, what I've described in this article is called "codependence." I use this term myself, but I think it's, sometimes, misunderstood. And in the situations that I've described, where there is such a longing for the loved one to change, it doesn't even begin to capture what that experience is like for the person who is "codependent."

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're stuck in a battle with a loved one and, possibly with yourself, to try to get this loved one to change, you could benefit from psychotherapy for yourself. Your loved one either will or won't change, very often having nothing to do with what you try to do for him or her. But if in the process of your trying to get the other person to change, you lose yourself, then, really, all could be lost. So, the healthiest thing to do is to rediscover and take care of yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist in New York City.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients through their journey of acceptance in difficult situations. I've also helped them to rediscover and nurture themselves again.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Repeating the Same Behavior and Expecting Different Results

I was talking to a friend recently about the idea of "repeating the same behavior and expecting different results." She gave me permission to tell her story as part of my blog because she thought it might be helpful to other people. So, let's call my friend Donna (not her real name).

Repeating the Same Behavior and Expecting Different Results

Several years ago, Donna was expressing her ongoing frustration to me about her boyfriend's compulsive overspending. She and I talked about this numerous times. She usually said something like, "I told him, 'If you don't stop overspending, I'm going to stop bailing you out,' but does he listen to me? No. He just keeps overspending and I keep lending him money to pay his bills."

Donna and her boyfriend were caught in vicious cycle of his overspending and her bailing him out and then her feeling resentful about it. She knew she was caught in a cycle, but she didn't know how to get out of it. At the time, she couldn't understand why he didn't change.

One day, I came across a poem by Portia Nelson called "There's a Hole in My Sidewalk" and I thought of Donna and her habit of continually bailing out her boyfriend and continually feeling resentful about it. So, the next time that she complained to me about her boyfriend's overspending and her efforts to bail him out, I said to her, "It sounds like you have a hole in your sidewalk." She looked at me as if I was crazy, but before she could say anything else, I gave her the poem:

There's a Hole in My Sidewalk - By Portia Nelson

Chapter One:
I walk down the sidewalk.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find my way out.

Chapter Two:
I walk down the same street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three:
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It's my fault...I get out immediately.

Chapter Four:
I walk down the same street.
There is a big hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five:
I walk down another street.

After she read the poem, Donna smiled and said, "I see what you mean. I keep falling into the same hole. I need to walk down another street."

Shortly after that, Donna found a therapist to work on this issue, and she also started attending Al-Anon to deal with the codependent dynamics between her and her boyfriend. When her boyfriend approached her the next time to tell her that, once again, he ran up his credit cards and he wanted to borrow money from her, she told him that she couldn't lend him the money. 

It was very hard for her to break her usual pattern of bailing out her boyfriend because she had been doing it for so long and he had come to expect that she would bail him out. So, of course, there was no incentive for him to change because he never had to face the consequences of his behavior. She told him that he would have to figure out some other way to deal with his debts. Needless to say, her boyfriend was very unhappy with this response and he couldn't believe that she wouldn't lend him the money.

Donna's refusal to continue in the same codependent behavior caused a big argument between them, and her boyfriend ended their relationship. 

The breakup was very hard for Donna. She went through several months of emotional pain and doubt as to whether she had done the right thing by refusing to lend her boyfriend money. Several times, she wanted to pick up the phone and tell him that she was wrong and try to reconcile their relationship. But deep down, she knew that she had done what was right for herself as well as for him.

A year later, Donna met the man who eventually became her husband. She is very happy in her relationship and, in hindsight, she realized that refusing to keep "falling down the same hole" over and over again with the same results was one of the best things that she had ever done for herself.

Making a change is a process. And changing an established pattern can be very difficult. First, you have to be aware that you're engaging in this pattern and recognize the consequences of it. It's very easy to be in denial and to blame other people or external circumstances. If and when you do become aware of an ongoing pattern that is not bringing you the results that you want, you have to be willing to change. Once you have established the willingness to change, you need to take action to stop repeating the same pattern.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're caught in a cycle where you continue to repeat the same behavior with the expectation of different results, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who can help you through the change process.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Ambivalence and Codependence in the Mother-Daughter Relationship

The topic of conflict and ambivalence in the mother-daughter relationship is the subject of this article. One article in a blog cannot do justice to this topic but, hopefully, it can serve as a starting point for many similar articles and it will be thought provoking (see my articles: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships and Letting Go of Resentments in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships

The complexity of the mother-daughter relationship is derived, in part, from the fact that mothers and daughters share a biological and often certain psychological factors. 

As such, mothers often see themselves in their infant daughters, at times, projecting their own unfulfilled hopes and dreams on their infant daughters. 

In turn, daughters learn to identify with their mothers. A certain amount of maternal idealizing is a normal part of a daughter's development. 

However, when the identification or idealization interferes with a daughter's psychological development, this often interferes with the normal separation and individuation process that is necessary for the daughter to mature into her own person.

Clinical Vignette:

The following vignette which, as always, represents a composite of numerous cases illustrates how ambivalence and codependence between a mother and daughter as well as an over identification by the daughter for the mother kept the daughter stuck and unable to develop into her own person without feeling like she was betraying her mother.

Donna:
When Donna began therapy, she was in her early 30s. She was already quite successful in her career. As she saw it at the time, her presenting problem was that she had a long history of problems in her romantic relationships with men. 

Her relationships always began well. However, as soon as the relationship became serious, Donna became extremely ambivalent about it and found some way to sabotage it. When she began therapy, she was in a one-year relationship with a man that she loved very much and who also loved her. She saw the potential for a good marriage with this man, but she was very frightened to make that commitment with him, and she could not understand why.

Donna's family history included her parents' divorce when she was five years old. Prior to that, she remembered a lot of arguing between her parents, who were not well suited for each other. After the divorce, the father remarried within a couple of years. However, Donna's mother sank into a depression and she began to drink heavily.

As an only child, Donna remembered feeling responsible for her mother's happiness. Her mother poured out her sorrows to Donna, and Donna did her best to try to make her mother happy by listening to her, trying to entertain her with funny stories from school, being an "A" student, and trying never to bother her mother with her own concerns. 

As a result, at a young age, Donna and her mother switched roles, and Donna became a parentified child. She learned to anticipate her mother's needs before her mother even expressed them. She even cleaned up her mother's mess when her mother got drunk and threw up around the house. For this, Donna's mother rewarded her by telling her what a wonderful daughter she was, and this made Donna feel good.

Donna's relationship with her mother continued in this way until Donna became a teenager, and she began to express a need to spend more time with her friends. Donna's mother never actually stopped Donna from going out with her friends, but when Donna got home, she often found her mother in an irritable, sullen state.

She never told Donna directly that she was unhappy that Donna was beginning to achieve a certain amount of independence that is a normal part of adolescence but, indirectly, she complained about how lonely she felt when Donna was out and how hard her life was as a single mother. 

This made Donna feel very guilty for leaving her mother alone and for going out and having a good time with her friends. At those times, Donna worked extra hard to get back into her mother's good graces. After a while, Donna's mother was appeased and, once again, she rewarded Donna by telling her that she was the best daughter that a mother could have.

At times, Donna turned down her friends' invitations to go out because she didn't want to leave her mother alone and unhappy. She also feared that her mother would drink more when Donna was out, which was often the case. At least if she was there, Donna thought, she could monitor her mother's alcohol intake and help her mother to go to bed when she was too drunk.

After her parents' divorce, Donna had virtually no contact with her father. She feared that her mother would be upset if she maintained a relationship with her father, so she ignored his phone calls and, after a while, he stopped calling.

During that time, dating boys was out of the question in Donna's mind. Her mother was very bitter about her own divorce and she would often tell Donna how awful men were. Donna was interested in a couple of boys at school, who also expressed an interest in her, but Donna felt that it would be a betrayal to her mother if she began dating boys. So, rather than dating, she stayed home with her mother and catered to her needs.

When it came time for Donna to apply for college, one of Donna's teachers, who had an intuitive sense of what was going on in Donna's home, encouraged Donna to go away to college. A part of Donna longed to be away and attend a college with an active campus life. However, a stronger part of Donna didn't want to leave her mother alone. So, she opted to go to a local college, even though other colleges offered her better opportunities and a chance for a full scholarship.

By the time Donna was a sophomore in college, she began to feel depressed and lonely. She didn't know why she was feeling this way, so she went to the student counseling center. With the help of her college counselor, Donna began to see that she was missing out on many of the social activities that other students were enjoying and that she also wanted to attend.

So, gradually, Donna became more social and, soon afterwards, she started dating, much to her mother's chagrin. By that point, Donna realized that she needed to have a social life of her own, but she continued to feel guilty and that, in some way, she was betraying her mother by spending less time with her and more time with her friends.

By the time she graduated, Donna was offered an excellent job opportunity in NYC that she knew she could not afford to pass up. With much ambivalence and guilt about leaving her mother, she moved to NYC to begin her new career. However, she called her mother several times a day to "check in" on her and to listen to her mother's problems. She also visited her mother frequently on weekends.

When Donna entered into her first serious relationship, she was wary of telling her mother. She feared that since her mother had such a low opinion of men, her mother would disapprove of her being in a relationship. 

When Donna finally summoned the courage to tell her mother, her mother acted as if she had not even heard her. She never expressed any curiosity about this man or even asked Donna how the relationship was going. This made Donna feel very sad and guilty--as if she was doing something wrong by having a life of her own and being in a relationship, as if she wasn't entitled to her own happiness.

Shortly after that, Donna began finding faults with her boyfriend and they started arguing. Within a few months, they were broken up. When Donna told her mother about the breakup, her mother responded by telling her to come home and spend time with her. Her mother seemed to have no recognition that Donna was heart broken.

This same pattern continued in most of Donna's relationships. She felt pulled between the man that she loved and a "loyalty" that she felt for her mother. By the time that Donna came to see me, she was miserable. She was also aware that she was ruining an otherwise wonderful relationship with a man that she really loved. But she didn't know how to stop engaging in this behavior.

We began by doing inner child work to help Donna understand and appreciate the root of her problems. Over time, she learned to have more compassion for herself when she was a child and as an adult. She also started to see how her own inner emotional conflict caused her to feel that she had to choose between her boyfriend and her mother.

With a lot of work in therapy, Donna started feeling more entitled to have a happy life and not to sacrifice her life for her mother. She also learned to see that her codependent relationship with her mother was not helping her mother or her. 

So, gradually, over time, she changed her behavior towards her mother. Rather than calling her mother several times a day, she called her once a week. Rather than spending hours on the phone listening to her mother's problems and trying to "fix" them, Donna encouraged her mother to get help.

Donna's mother did not respond well to this new change in Donna. After a few weeks of this, Donna's mother refused to talk to Donna and told her that she would talk to her when Donna "came to her senses again." 

This was a serious emotional challenge for Donna, and part of her wanted to revert back to her old behavior to "rescue" her mother. But, deep down, Donna realized that she needed to stick to what she knew was best for her and her relationship with her boyfriend. 

She also realized now that her mother would never get help for her alcoholism as long as Donna provided her with an emotional crutch. So, even though it was very difficult for her, Donna refrained from reverting back to her former dysfunctional way of relating to her mother.

After several months, Donna's relationship with her boyfriend improved substantially. Even though she missed her mother, Donna realized that she felt happier than she had ever felt and she finally felt entitled to her happiness. She also reconciled her relationship with her father.

About a year later, she received a call from her mother. Her mother told Donna that she had just completed a 28-day rehab and she wanted to reconcile her relationship with Donna. And, for the first time, she told Donna that she wanted to meet her boyfriend. This was the beginning of Donna and her mother having a healthy relationship together without much of the guilt, codependence, and ambivalence from the past.

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships
Even though this article focuses on ambivalence and codependence in mother-daughter relationships, I want to also say that there are many mothers and daughters who have healthy relationships. 

Healthy Mother-Daughter Relationships

Even mother-daughter relationships that begin with the sort of enmeshment, codependence and ambivalence that were involved with Donna's relationship with her mother often improve when one or, preferably both, people get psychological help.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you are part of an emotionally unhealthy mother-daughter dynamic and you want to establish a healthier relationship, you could benefit from attending psychotherapy with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR therapist in New York City.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Life Time

Toxic Family Secrets

Did you grow up in a home where there were toxic family secrets?

Toxic Family Secrets

Here are a few examples of typical secrets in a dysfunctional family:

Susan's family's toxic secret
It's morning and dad is passed out in bed again from his prior night of binge drinking. Susan, who is nine, overhears her mother calling dad's boss to say that dad is sick and won't be going to work. Even though the mom knows that Susan has seen dad drunk many times, she tells Susan that dad has "the flu" and tells her not to talk to anyone about what she saw the night before. In doing this, she gives Susan a mixed message about what they both know to be true. Susan grows up resenting her mother and father and feeling that she can't trust men and she never wants to get married.

George's family's toxic family secret
George is 15 years old. His father just died. At his father's funeral, to his shock and amazement, he overhears people whispering that the man that he knew and loved was not really his biological father. When he confronts his mother about this a few weeks later, she turns away from him, refusing to talk about it, and only says, "Your real father was no good." George feels overwhelmed, angry and betrayed. He has so many questions, but no one to talk to about it. He doesn't want to upset his mother, so he never brings it up again, but he grows up feeling lost and confused and he has difficulty trusting in his intimate relationships.

Mary grows up feeling ashamed of toxic family secret
Mary is 10 years old. Every night her mother's boyfriend comes into her room and touches her in ways that make her feel uncomfortable. When Mary finally summons up enough courage to tell her mother, her mother gets angry with her and accuses Mary of making up lies. She tells Mary that if she ever mentions this to anyone else, she'll send her away. But later that night, Mary hears her mother and the boyfriend arguing about his going into Mary's room. The next day Mary's mother and the boyfriend act as if nothing has changed and go on with their daily routine. The nightly visits stop, and the subject is never brought up again, leaving Mary deeply confused: Did her mother believe her or not? She grows up feeling ashamed-- she must have done something wrong to cause the mother's boyfriend to behave in this way and for her mother to get angry with her. She also learns not to trust her own feelings. Whenever her romantic relationships start to become serious, she shuts down emotionally and her boyfriends leave her.

John's family's toxic secret about father's gambling
John is 13. He knows that his father earns a good living and should be able to support the family. And yet, there is constant tension and anxiety in the house because his parents are continually struggling to pay the bills. They're unable to give him money for class trips or his football uniform. One day he sees his father going over a horse racing form which he quickly puts away when John walks into the room. Later on, John asks his mother if dad has a gambling problem, and she changes the subject, telling him to go clean his room. John feels hurt and confused. He grows up with anxiety about money and wonders if he'll be able to take care of himself when he grows up.

The Consequences of Toxic Family Secrets:
From these few examples, you begin to see how damaging family secrets can be. Maybe you've identified with one or two of them or they might have brought to mind secrets that your family kept and might still be keeping.

These kinds of family secrets are emotionally toxic. The consequences far exceed what the parents ever could have imagined: hurt, mistrust, shame, guilt, self doubt, anger, resentment, and sometimes an inability to enter into or maintain intimate relationships. Sometimes, people who grew up with toxic family secrets don't realize how they've been affected by them. They might perpetuate these dynamics when they get married with their own children because this way of relating is familiar to them. Toxic family secrets have been known to be a contributing factor to alcohol and drug abuse, sexual addiction, compulsive gambling, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, depression, codependence, and other problems.

What to Do?
Ask yourself if you grew up with toxic family secrets and, if so, ask yourself how it is affecting you and your current relationships. 

If you sense that family secrets are adversely affecting you now--maybe they're getting in the way of your having or maintaining relationships or you feel you can't trust your own feelings because you don't always know what they are (from years of doubting what you know versus what you were told by your family), it's time to see a mental health professional so that you can learn to overcome the consequences of family secrets and have a fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome the effects of toxic family secrets.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Also, see my article:  Overcoming Shame

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship

Being able to set healthy boundaries is an important part of being in a relationship.

What Are Healthy Boundaries?
Setting healthy boundaries means that you're able to set limits with your partner about how close or distant you are with each other in terms of the physical, emotional, financial and, possibly, spiritual aspects of your lives together. An example of this would be that you both understand that it is unacceptable for you or partner to hit or cheat on each other (see my prior post about infidelity). Another example is that you won't tolerate cursing or belittling comments.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship

Another example might be that when you come home from work, you might need 15 minutes to yourself to calm down from the day before you hear about everyday, non-emergency problems with your children. It could also mean that you want to keep whatever money you had before you entered into the relationship separate from any combined income that you and your partner set up when you entered into a committed relationship (see my prior posts regarding talking about money with your partner). Or, that you want your partner to respect your privacy with regard to your personal journal. There are so many other examples. The emphasis is on healthy boundaries (neither too rigid nor too loose) and that these are aspects of your relationship that are important to discuss early on and to maintain.

Why do some people have a hard time maintaining healthy boundaries?
There can be so many reasons. Often, the issue for the person who has problems setting healthy boundaries is that he or she has low self esteem (see my prior posts on low self esteem). When you have low self esteem, you might not feel that you deserve to set boundaries with your partner (or with anyone else).

You might fear that if you set boundaries with your partner, he or she might leave the relationship. But it's important, for your own self respect as well as the respect that you deserve from your partner, that you be able to say what you do and don't want. This assumes, of course, that you know what you want. For some people whose personal boundaries were violated at an early age, it's hard for them to know what they want at any given time. Sometimes, they set boundaries that keep them too distant from their partners and other times they allow their partners to encroach upon them too much because they were never allowed to set boundaries when they were younger so they don't know how to set healthy boundaries.

This is a more complicated problem and usually needs the help of a mental health professional. Another reason might be cultural differences between you and your partner. Maybe one of you is from a culture where personal boundaries in a relationship are not as important. If this is the case, it will take time and effort to negotiate with your partner what the personal boundaries will be in your relationship. For other people, the challenge might be that they are "people pleasers" and they have a hard time saying "no" to just about any request. This is also related to low self esteem. Another possibility is that one or both people in the relationship might be codependent with each other (more on this in future posts). And, there can be so many other reasons why someone would find it difficult to set healthy personal boundaries.

What Do You Do If Your Partner Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries?
Well, this depends on what we're talking about. It's never acceptable for your partner to hit you, take your money without permission, try to control what you wear, verbally abuse you, keep you from having friends or seeing your family or to threaten you. These are all forms of abuse. If any of these things are going on in your relationship, you and your partner need immediate help. You can call your local chapter of Safe Horizons or speak to a mental health professional.

You might also need to protect yourself by going to stay with a trusted friend or family member if your partner is physically abusive. You deserve to be safe. But assuming that we're talking about other less serious boundary infractions (like not allowing you a few minutes to relax when you come home before talking about daily problems, for instance), you might need to remind your partner. Negotiating and making changes in a relationship can be challenging and a gentle reminder from time to time might be necessary if your partner forgets or if you forget what you have agreed to regarding personal boundaries.

As we can see, this is a big topic and can be challenging for you and your partner. It might also be challenging for you in your other relationships with your family, your partner's family, your friendships and your work relationships.

Feeling entitled to set healthy boundaries and setting them with others is important to your self respect and to how much others will respect you.

Since this is such a big topic, I'll be writing more about this in future posts.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with adult individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my web site: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me to set up a consultation.