How to Stop Trying to Fix People and Focus on Yourself

A common problem I see in my psychotherapy private practice is clients who are trying hard to fix people instead of focusing on themselves (see my articles: Learn to Accept You Can't Control Your Loved Ones and Overcoming Codependency).

This might involve cheating, gambling, drinking, overspending and so on.

Focus on Yourself and Stop Trying to Fix People

There's no doubt these clients are really suffering and they want what's best for their loved ones, but their attempts to fix them often backfires for reasons I'll discuss in this article.

My Early Experiences as a Psychotherapist in Training in the Mid-1990s

First, I would like to focus on an important lesson I had to learn as a new therapist many years ago.

When I started training to be a psychotherapist in the mid-1990s, I had to learn an important lesson early on from my supervisor who understood I was empathetic towards my clients at the clinic, but who knew I was trying to fix them when that wasn't my role as a therapist. She said, "You're not in the business of 'fixing' people." 

Although I recognize this to be wise advice now, I had to adjust my thinking at the time. After all, I got into the mental health profession to help people, but I had to learn that trying to fix people wasn't part of my job.  

Instead, my job was to help clients develop insight and the ability to make changes--if they wanted to make changes.  

Within a short period of time, I learned that what I thought was the best course of action might not be what my clients wanted or needed--and it might not even be the best course of action. 

After all, who was I to say what was best for my clients?  I only saw them for an hour a week which isn't a lot of time compared to the rest of the time they lived their lives away from therapy.

In addition, they often knew what was best for them and they just needed the tools and strategies to get there.

All of this is to say that I understand from my own experience dating back to the mid-1990s how strong an impulse trying to fix others can be. 

I also know how humbling and sad it is to watch some clients make choices that, objectively, aren't good for them but, as adults, this is their right.

How to Stop Trying to Fix People

You might have the best intentions when you want to fix others, but you can't control the adults in your life--not your partner, friends, adult children or other loved ones.

Stop Trying to Fix People and Focus on Yourself

The only person you can change is yourself (see my article: Getting to Know the Only Person You Can Change: Yourself).

The following steps can help you if you think you might have a problem with trying to fix people:

• Awareness: The first step in trying to change a problem is awareness. Specifically, you could benefit from developing self awareness about how you go about trying to change people when they don't want to be changed. In addition, developing self awareness helps you to understand the impact your behavior might be having on the people you care about. If they're telling you they don't want your help to change, listening to them and learning is necessary (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Develop Self Awareness

• Acceptance: It's often hard to accept that you might be the one with the problem. This isn't to say that the person you would like to change doesn't also have a problem and that their problem might be having a negative impact on you. But it's important for you to accept that you can't control other people--even if you think it's for their own good (see my article: Awareness and Acceptance About What You Have Been in Denial About).

Acceptance

• Allow Others to Make Their Own Decisions: When you attempt to control others, even if they're willing to allow you to do it, you disempower them because you haven't allowed them to go through the necessary process to make lasting change, which could include overcoming denial and ambivalence. Even if you could control their change process, they might be going along with your advice just to appease you. But, since their decision hasn't come from deep inside them, the change they make to please you often isn't solid. A change that comes from their own internal motivation (instead of external pressure) is more likely to stick (see my article: Learn to Stop Interfering in Your Adult Children's Lives).

Allow Others to Make Their Own Decisions

• Focus on Yourself: Instead of focusing on how you can fix other people, focus on yourself. Many people who become involved in fixing others do it, in part, because they want an escape from their own problems. Be honest and ask yourself if there are personal issues you have been avoiding and begin to tackle those issues instead.

Focus on Yourself

• Make Your Own Decisions: Even though you might let go of trying to fix others, this doesn't mean that you can't make your own decisions about what's right for you. So, for instance, if your partner refuses to get help for alcoholism and you know it's having a negative impact on your life, you have the right to make a decision about what you want to do about it for yourself. This is often a lot harder for people than trying to fix a spouse, but it's the healthiest and most empowering path for yourself (see my article: Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision in Time).

Getting Help in Therapy

A pattern of trying to fix others often starts at an early age and it becomes a lifelong pattern of behavior.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with letting go of trying to fix and control others, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to develop the necessary tools and strategies to change (see my article: Why Do People Go to Therapy?)

Getting help in therapy to change this pattern of behavior can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples to make changes (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?

Based on what I've observed among couples who come to see me in my psychotherapy practice in New York City, many people are confused about the difference betwen codependency and interdependency.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

Due to this confusion, many people worry that any type of dependency is unhealtlhy.

So the focus of this article will be to define the difference between the two.

What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency in Relationships?

Interdependency is an essential part of a healthy relationship and codependency is an unhealthy.

    What is Codependency?

Codependency in a relationship involves one partner who is overly reliant on their partner and the partner, who is being relied upon, needs to be needed.  

As the word suggestions, in a codependent relationship both people are behaving in an unhealthy way. 

Codependency in Relationships

I'm emphasizing that codependency is a two-way street because many couples think that it's only the partner who is being overly reliant who is the one who is codependent. 

But since codependency is between two people, both partners, including the one who needs to be needed, are considered codependent.

For instance, a typical example that causes confusion in relationships is when one of the partners has a substance abuse problem and the other partner is sober. 

The partner who is abusing substances tends to be the one who is seen as the problem and the other partner is labeled as the healthy person.

However, based on the definition of codependency, if the sober partner needs to be needed, they're also behaving in a codependent way.

There might be many underlying reasons for their need to be needed including a need to feel they are in control of the relationship.

It's not unusual for the sober partner's role to become even more obviously codependent if the other person, who once abused substances, becomes sober and no longer wants to be overly reliant.  

This changes the dynamic between the couple and the partner who needs to be needed might not like the change because the newly sober partner might want to have more of a role in decision-making than what they had when they were actively abusing substances. 

But the other partner, who is used to being overly relied upon and in control, might not like giving up the role they had before.

    What Are the Signs of Codependency?

The following are some of the common signs of codependency:

• One partner has an excessive need to be taken care of by the other partner in an unhealthy way.

• One partner puts the other partner's needs above their own on a regular basis--sometimes to the detriment of their own well-being.

• The partner who is being relied on often worries needlessly about the other partner and loses focus of their own well-being.

Codependency in Relationships

• The partner who is being relied upon often makes decisions soley on the other partner's needs--even if those decisions have a negative effect on their own needs.

• One partner often feels that their self worth is nothing without their partner and they wouldn't survive without their partner.

• Some codependent relationships are based on trauma bonding (see my article: What is Trauma Bonding in Relationships?).

    What is Interdependency?

When you're in a interdependent relationship, you and your partner are your own individuals.  You each know that you're both separate individuals who are in a relationship together.

Interdependency involves each partner maintaining a balance between self and partner.  Under normal circumstances, neither partner is overly reliant on the other and neither partner needs to be needed or in control in the relationship.

    What Are the Signs of Interdependency?

• Under normal circumstances (meaning that neither of them is incapacitated by health concerns) both partners are able to take care of themselves as individuals while still maintaining a healthy relationship with each other.

• Both partners can be supportive of each other in a healthy way, but their dependence is not damaging to either one of them.

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

• Both partners have established emotional safety in the relationship for each other.

• Both partners are able to share their vulnerable feelings in a healthy way without being afraid their partner will leave them because they have established emotional safety.

• The relationship is based on individual personal growth as well as growth in the relationship (as opposed to trauma bonding).

• Both partners share in making decisions that affect them individually and as a couple.

What If You and Your Partner Aren't Sure If You Have a Codependent or Interdependent Relationship?

The term "codependent" is often misunderstood and misused.

Some people assume that any kind of dependence, even interdependence, is unhealthy. 

This is often because they might not have seen interdependence modeled for them when they were growing up. In addition, their own healthy need to be nurtured might have been demeaned and criticized by a parent who was uncomfortable showing affection (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

So, they assume that when they grow up, they're not supposed to have any emotional needs.

In other relationships where one partner tends to be anxiously attached and the other tends to be avoidantly attached, the avoidant partner might label the other partner's basic emotional needs as "codependent" when these needs are healthy (see my article: How Does Your Attachment Style Affect Your Relationship?).

The truth is we are all hardwired from birth to have our emotional needs met by a loving person. 

Although, as adults, we're better equipped to take care of ourselves, we still need love and emotional support from our loved ones.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner haven't been able to work out your problems, you could benefit from attending couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the necessary skills necessary for a healthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist who has the particular expertise to help you overcome your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Codependency in a Relationship

Overcoming codependent behavior in your relationship can be challenging, but there are steps you can take to help with the process.

Overcoming Codependency in a Relationship

What is Codependency in a Relationship?

Let's start by defining codependency.

Codependency in a relationship means consistently prioritizing your partner's wants and needs over your own.

Someone who is in a codependent relationship often bases their moods on how their partner is feeling and behaving instead of being aware of how they feel as a separate person from their partner.

Overcoming Codependency in a Relationship

A pattern of codependent behavior can lead to:

• Disconnecting from one's own thoughts and feelings (in favor of your partner)
• Developing unhealthy relationship dynamics
• Decreasing one's sense of self worth and well-being

What Does Codependency Look Like in a Relationship?

One or more of the following traits or behaviors can indicate codependency in a relationship:

• Putting a partner's needs above one's own needs most of the time
• Sacrificing one's own well-being and self care in favor of a partner most of the time
• Lacking an individual identity outside the relationship
• Taking responsibility for a partner's well-being most of the time (instead of a partner taking responsibility for their own well-being)
• Choosing a partner to be "fixed" instead of focusing on oneself
• Developing a need to be in control of the relationship
• Recognizing and expressing emotions becomes more difficult over time because someone who is mostly focused on a partner can lose connection with their own thoughts and feelings
• Needing the other partner's approval to feel good about oneself
• Needing the other partner's validation to feel worthy and "good enough"
• Taking on too many responsibilities in the household where the partner has few, if any, responsibilities
• Avoiding conflict with a partner by "walking on eggshells" instead of trying to resolve conflict as problems arise
• Habitually making decisions for a partner in order to control or manage them
• Doing things one doesn't want to do to appease a partner 
• Remaining in a relationship that isn't fulfilling
• Exhibiting excessive concern for a partner's habits or behavior instead of focusing on one's own habits and behavior
• Fearing rejection or abandonment from a partner
• Tending to apologize or take the blame to avoid conflict
• Relying on a partner's mood to determine one's own mood
• Providing "solutions" and trying to "fix" a partner's problems when the partner just wants to vent (see my article: Overcoming the Need to Be Everyone's Caregiver)

What Causes Codependency in a Relationship?

One or more of the following characteristics can cause codependency in a relationship:

• A history of emotional or physical abuse or childhood emotional neglect
• Growing up with one or both parents who have a personality disorder, like borderline personality or narcissistic personality disorder
• Growing up with a parent who had alcohol or drug problems where the other parent over-functioned for the substance abusing parent
• Growing up with overprotective or controlling parents where one never learned as a child to set healthy boundaries with others
• Growing up with one or both emotionally inconsistent parents 
• Growing up with one or both parents abandoning the family or being an inconsistent presence
• Growing up with critical and/or bullying parents or siblings (see my article: The Role of the Family Scapegoat)
• Growing up in a family where one had to suppress one's own identity and needs
• Growing up in a family where one felt invisible and emotionally invalidated

What Does Healthy Dependency Look Like in a Relationship?

The following characteristics are indicative of healthy dependency in a relationship without sacrificing one's own needs, including: 

• Recognizing and stating one's own needs 
• Recognizing one's own need for emotional support and overcoming discomfort with asking for emotional support
• Feeling safe and comfortable expressing one's own needs to a partner
• Setting healthy boundaries with a partner by letting them know when they are asking for too much without feeling guilty about letting them know this

What Are Characteristics of Healthy Interdependency in a Relationship?

• Mutual reliance on each other but not being overly-reliant on a partner
• Having healthy boundaries
• Having a healthy sense of self outside the relationship (e.g., friendships and hobbies)
• Being able to self regulate emotions in a healthy way
• Being able to manage disappointments during disagreements in the relationship
• Being able to emotionally co-regulate in a healthy way without taking on a partner's emotions

Getting Help in Therapy

Codependency in a relationship can be difficult to overcome on your own, especially if you grew up in a codependent environment.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples therapy so you can have a healthier relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. Gaslighters emotionally manipulate and exploit others to undermine them and get them to doubt their own perceptions, experiences and understanding of events (see my article: Are You Being Gaslighted?).

What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a power dynamic which can be used as a tactic in romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, work situations or any situation where two people are interacting together.  

In this article, I'm focusing on the stages of gaslighting and the importance of getting help in therapy if this dynamic doesn't change.

The goal of the gaslighter is to make the gaslightee feel insecure and anxious so the gaslightee is more easily dominated and manipulated.

Gaslighting is often found in codependent relationships because the gaslightee is overly dependent emotionally and psychologically. This makes the gaslightee easier to manipulate (see my article: Bait and Switch as a Form of Manipulation).

Gaslighting often gets worse over time if steps are not taken to either change the dynamic or get out of this destructive dynamic.

What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting?

Here are the usual seven stages of gaslighting:

• Lie and Exaggerate:  The gaslighter uses false presumptions and accusations to create a negative perception of the gaslightee. The objective is to put the gaslightee on the defensive by denying the gaslightee's reality: "Your contribution to our marriage is nothing compared to mine. I work at a stressful job so we can pay our bills. All you do is stay home and watch the kids."

Gaslighting is a Form of Emotional Abuse

• Repetition: The gaslighter continues to repeat the same accusations to stay on the offensive, control the relationship dynamics and dominate the gaslightee.  This is similar to psychological warfare in that the more the accusations are repeated over time, the more likely the gaslightee will believe them. 

• Double Down on Accusations When Challenged: When the gaslighter is called on their manipulation, they often double and triple down on their accusations. They use more lies, denial, blame, deflection and other manipulative tactics to create doubt, anxiety and insecurity in the partner. The gaslighter might say to the gaslightee, "You're too sensitive" or "You're so dramatic."  They can also: 

• Question the gaslightee's memory about situations
• Trivialize the gaslightee's concerns
• Counter against what the gaslightee says by lying and making up details
• Brush off the gaslightee's concerns
• Divert the gaslightee's attention by changing the subject
• Discredit the gaslightee to family members, friends and other mutual acquaintances by portraying the gaslightee as confused, having a bad memory or being the source of the problem in the relationship.

• Wear Out the Gaslightee: The gaslighter attempts to wear out the gaslightee by constantly remaining on the offensive. The gaslightee often becomes more anxious, pessimistic, fearful and self doubting, which makes them even easier to manipulate. Gaslightees will question their own perceptions and this is how the gaslighter continues to dominate the relationship.

Gaslighting is a Form of Emotional Abuse

• Give False Hope to the Gaslightee: Another manipulation tactic is when the gaslighter will occasionally treat the gaslightee better temporarily. They might be milder in their criticism or express superficial remorse to give the gaslightee false hope.  They might tell their partner that they're now "ready to change" or attend couples therapy or "start over," but this is usually a tactic to get the partner to become complacent and let down their guard.  At that point, the gaslightee might think, "Our relationship really isn't as bad as I thought because my partner is willing to work on our relationship" or "My partner finally understands and he's willing to change." But this tactic is a way to temporarily appease the gaslightee to give false hope.  The goal is to temporarily back off to eventually regain power in the situation during the next phase of gaslighting. 

• Dominate and Control: The ultimate goal of gaslighting is to dominate and control the relationship so the gaslighter can manipulate and take advantage of the gaslightee on an ongoing basis.

How to Deal With Gaslighting

• Recognize the Signs of Gaslighting During the Early Stage:  By recognizing the early warning signs and identifying the problem right away, you can let your partner know that you're not going to put up with this manipulation.  

• Don't Get Into Arguments With the Gaslighter: Gaslighters are usually experts when it comes to arguing, so don't get in arguments with them. They're good at rationalizing, deflecting, twisting your words and using other manipulative tactics, so don't go down that rabbit hole or you'll find yourself on the defensive and exhausted.

• Maintain Your Individual Identity: If you maintain your individual identity and don't form a codependent relationship with the gaslighter, you're less likely to allow the gaslighter to break you down. This means maintaining your sense of self, your individual interests and relationships with supportive friends and family members (see my article: Growing as an Individual While in a Relationship).

• Stay Calm and Grounded: Find ways to stay emotionally balanced and grounded. This could mean that you have a regular practice of meditation, exercise, yoga, maintaining a journal that focuses on yourself (instead of a list of complaints about your partner) or other ways to stay calm and grounded.  When you're calm and grounded, you're less likely to take the gaslighter's bate and get caught up in a spiral of manipulation (see my article: Developing Your Inner Sense of Being Grounded and Calm and Reclaiming the Power of Your Inner Voice).

Staying Calm and Grounded

• Be Assertive and Set Boundaries With Your Partner: Let your partner know that you're not going to put up with this behavior.  Your partner might try to use other tactics to manipulate.  If your partner doesn't respect your boundaries and still tries to manipulate you, stay calm and disengage. You can call a time-out, go for a walk, listen to music or find other ways to disengage from the gaslighter's attempts to dominate you (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Recognize You Can Only Control Your Own Behavior: In the heat of the moment, it's easy to try to control your partner's behavior, especially in a gaslighting situation. But this usually energizes the gaslighter because they're especially good at manipulating in these situations and pointing out how you're trying to control them without acknowledging that they're trying to control you. So, it's better to focus on yourself and your own behavior instead of trying to control their behavior.  

• Rebuild Your Self Confidence: Find ways to revitalize yourself and find joy and peace of mind. Recognize things that you're good at doing.  If you have given up hobbies you used to love, reengage with these hobbies. Keep a journal to focus on your strengths and find other ways to affirm your self confidence (see my article: Developing Internal Resources and Coping Skills and Focusing on Your Personal Strengths).

Rebuild Your Self Confidence

• Practice Self Compassion: Be compassionate towards yourself if you're struggling with gaslighting. Give yourself the same compassion you would give a good friend in the same situation (see my article: Developing Self Compassion).

• Make a Decision as to Whether You Want to Stay or Get Out of the Relationship: If the gaslighting continues and it's eroding your self esteem, make a decision as to whether you want to stay or get out. No one can make this decision for you. Many people who experience gaslighting leave abruptly and then return to a destructive relationship because they haven't taken the time to think about what they want and plan what they want to do (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Getting Help in Therapy

• Get Help in Therapy: If you're in a relationship where your partner is gaslighting you and they're unwilling to change, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. A skilled psychotherapist can help you to regain your sense of self so you can heal from the damaging effects of gaslighting.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

7 Tips on How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly

In my prior article, How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly, I began a discussion about the pitfalls of getting involved with someone before you really know them.  This article gives you tips on how you can avoid these pitfalls.

How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship

7 Tips To Avoid Getting Into a Relationship Too Quickly

• Know What You Want: If you're clear on what you want, you'll be able to articulate your wants and needs to anyone you date early on so you can determine if you're both on the same page.  You're also more likely to avoid getting hurt by having unrealistic expectations and finding out that the person you're seeing had a different understanding (see my article: Dating vs Being in a Relationship).

• Know Your Own Self Worth: If you have a low sense of self worth, you're more likely to get involved too quickly and tolerate bad behavior.  So, learn to develop a healthy sense of self (see my article: Taking Steps to Increase Your Self Esteem).

• Learn to Enjoy Your Own Company: If you're uncomfortable being alone, you're more likely to get involved too quickly with someone you're not compatible with (see my article: Solitude vs Feeling Lonely).

• Avoid Having Sex Too Soon: Sex tends to speed up intimacy for many people before they really know each other.  If there's a potential for things to develop into a relationship, you could rush things if you get sexual too soon. After you've been sexually intimate early on while dating, you might feel like you know the other person, but you really don't.  

• Limit Your Contact: If you're trying to take things slowly so you can get to know each other, limit your contact with the person you're seeing.  Texting and calling everyday speeds things up so that you end up getting emotionally attached before you really get to know them.

• Focus on the Here and Now: Rather than projecting into the future and imagining what it might be like to be married or living together, stay focused on the present.  Focusing on the here and now keeps you in the present moment rather than getting too attached to your fantasy of how things could be. Getting caught up on fantasies can lead to potential disappointments (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

• Stay Connected With Friends and Loved Ones: People who tend to get involved too quickly often neglect their family and friends because they're too wrapped up with the person they're seeing. If you tend to do this, once again, be aware that you're more likely to rush into a relationship prematurely.

Get Help in Therapy

There can be many reasons why you might have a tendency to rush into relationships, including unresolved emotional trauma.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome a history of unresolved trauma that might be affecting you in the present (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced mental health professional (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly

Rushing into a relationship is a common impulse for many people.  Since we're all hardwired for attachment, it's understandable that people, who hunger for love, want to jumpstart a relationship while dating someone new before they really get to know them.

See my articles: 

Falling in Love With Love By Rushing Into a Relationship

Losing Yourself in a Relationship: Overcoming the "Urge to Merge" 

How to Resist the "Urge to Merge."

How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly

Getting involved too quickly has many pitfalls. That's why it's best to resist the "urge to merge" so you can get to know someone well during the dating phase before making a commitment to be in a relationship.  

When you bypass the dating phase by rushing into a relationship, instead of "falling in love," you fall into a ditch and it can be hard to climb out (see my article: Dating vs. Being in a Relationship: Take the Time to Get to Know Each Other).

People who are emotionally insecure with an insecure/anxious attachment style and people who have codependent tendencies often rush into relationships (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style? and How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Problems With Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly

When you rush into a relationship, you often encounter the following problems:

• You're probably not seeing your situation with the other person clearly because your need to be in a relationship is so great.  You might be blinded by sexual chemistry so you're "filling in the holes" to substitute for things you really don't know about the other person.  Remember: There can be "chemistry at first sight," but there's no such thing as "love at first sight."  

• You probably haven't learned how to date (see my article: Dating vs Being in a Relationship: Take Time to Get to Know Each Other).

• You say things you don't mean, including saying "I love you" because you're confusing infatuation with love (see my article: Is It Love or Infatuation?).

• You make promises you can't keep, like declaring the other person to be your soul mate and making a commitment to be in a "forever relationship" before you know him or her.

• You create expectations that neither you nor the other person can fulfill because these expectations aren't based in reality.

• You don't give the relationship time to grow in a healthy way because you're too busy pushing for a relationship so, once again, you don't get to know the other person.

• You spend too much time with this new person and not enough time with friends so you try to make the new person your "everything."

• You're too caught up in the emotional thrill of being with someone new so that when things settle down in an established relationship, as they normally do, you feel bored because you're not experiencing that "new relationship energy" anymore.

In my next article, I'll continue to discuss how to stop rushing into relationships prematurely (see my article: 7 Tips on How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly)

Getting Help in Therapy

Everyone needs help at some point.  If you're struggling, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome obstacles to your emotional well-being by helping you to develop the skills and tools you need as well as helping you to overcome a history of trauma that might be impacting you now (see my articles: When the Past is in the Present: Understanding How Trauma From the Past Can Be Affecting You Now and How Trauma Affects Relationships).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can lead a healthier, more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Relationships: 10 Reasons Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Doesn't Work

So many people enter into a relationship where they see the "potential" in their partner, but they won't accept how their partner is in the present.  Although men do it too, it's usually women who try to change, "fix" or rescue their partner.  They believe they can get their partner to change to be the way they want him to be.  Many of them become so focused on fixing their partner that they neglect themselves (see my articles: Overcoming Your Need to Rescue Your Loved Ones as Part of a Codependency Pattern and You Want to Change Your Spouse, But You Can't, So What Can You Do?).

Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Doesn't Work

Many people push, prod and try to do everything in their power to get their spouse to change, and no matter how good their intentions are, it usually doesn't work.

Exploring why it doesn't work and how to change this dynamic is the subject of this article.

A Short Fictional Vignette
The following fictional vignette, which is representative of hundreds of clinical cases, illustrates why trying to change your spouse doesn't work:

Helen and Tim
Helen and Tim, who were both in their 40s, were married for 10 years.

After Tim's father died, Tim started gambling compulsively (see my article: Overcoming Grief Gambling).

Prior to his father's death, Tim and his friends would get together every few months to play Poker.  But after his father's death, Tim felt a strong urge to play Poker more often, so he found other games, including online gambling.

At first, Helen wasn't concerned, but when she saw that Tim was spending almost all his free time in Poker games and he was losing money they didn't have, she became very concerned and told Tim to stop.  Tim would respond by promising Helen that he would stop, but he continued to gamble and lose large sums of money.

By then, Helen and Tim were spending a lot of their time arguing about his gambling and no time enjoying themselves the way they used to do before.  Helen was angry most of the time with Tim, and Tim felt resentful.  He felt that Helen was nagging him and acting like his mother.

The situation deteriorated until they were barely talking to one another, and they were no longer sexual (see my article: Have You and Your Spouse Stopped Having Sex?).

A few months later, they were sitting in a couples therapist office trying to salvage their relationship. Over time, they learned that Tim hadn't grieved for his father and the gambling was not only a distraction, it was also an addictive behavior that gave Tim a dopamine high in much the same way that taking drugs gives a dopamine high.

Gradually, as Helen learned not to nag and to focus on herself, Tim agreed to go to Gamblers Anonymous (GA) and work with a sponsor.  He also entered into his own individual therapy to deal with the loss of his father.  Over time, as he dealt with his emotions, he stopped gambling.

10 Reasons Why Trying to Change Your Spouse Won't Work:

• Trying to Get a Spouse Who is Unwilling and/or Unable to Change is Futile
• Before you try to change your spouse, consider whether he actually wants to change.
• Is he capable of changing?

• Focusing on Your Spouse's Behavior Takes Your Focus Away From Your Own Behavior
• It takes two people to be in a relationship.
• If you're focusing mostly on your spouse's behavior, you might not see how your own behavior affects the situation between the two of you. 

• Focusing on Your Spouse's Behavior Takes Your Focus Away From the Dynamic Between the Two of You
• There's a particular dynamic between you and your spouse.
• When you focus on your spouse's behavior, you might miss that dynamic. 

• Trying to Get Your Spouse to Change Might Be Unrealistic
• Ask yourself how realistic you're being.
• Ask yourself if you can live with the current situation when you consider everything.

• Reframing Your Expectations Might Be More Realistic
• Reframing your expectation is not about accepting abuse or accepting a situation that you find completely unacceptable.
• If your spouse is unwilling or unable to change, is it possible to look at the situation from a different perspective that might make it acceptable to you?

• Pushing Your Spouse to Change Can Erode the Relationship
• No one likes to feel pushed or nagged.
• People rarely change when they feel pushed and, if they do, they do it with resentment which causes other problems in the relationship.

• Trying to Change Your Spouse Puts You in a Parental Role
• When you take on a parental role, you're damaging your relationship--even though you might have the best of intentions (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Spouse Can Ruin Your Relationship).
• Your spouse will probably resent you.
• You will eventually resent being in this role.

• Focusing on Changing Your Spouse Might Make You Lose Sight of What's Good in Your Relationship
• Are you only focusing on your spouse's problems and not seeing what's good in your relationship?
• Has your focus on your spouse's problems overshadowed what's positive?

• Criticizing Your Spouse Can Lead to Divorce
• Being overly critical is a relationship killer (see my article: Learn to Stop Criticizing Each Other).
• Being critical can become habitual.

• Focusing on Yourself and Making Your Own Positive Changes Can Help the Dynamic Between You and Your Spouse
• Rather than focusing exclusively on your spouse's problems, you can focus on yourself.  
• People often focus on their significant other as a way to avoid looking at themselves.
• Practice self care and try to find ways to improve things for yourself (see my article: Is Self Care Selfish?).

Conclusion
People often don't change when they feel pressured or pushed.  Not only is this not an effective strategy, it often does more harm than good.

In order to make significant lasting change, a person has to be internally motivated to change as opposed to complying with someone else's wishes. 

Even though no one should accept abusive behavior or put up with things that they know are unacceptable to them, focusing on yourself is usually more effective than focusing on what you perceive as another person's faults.

Getting Help in Therapy
It's hard to live with problems that you feel are unacceptable, especially when you love someone and also want the best for him or her.

Focusing on yourself might be challenging.  It can also be hard to break old habits of focusing on someone else instead of focusing on yourself.

Even if you're not pressuring your spouse to change, you might find it hard to decide whether to stay or to leave the relationship.

If you're struggling with one or more of these issues, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience helping clients with these issues.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy and telehealth, while they are out of their office during the COVID-19 pandemic (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and EFT therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing teletherapy sessions during the COVID-19 crisis.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.