How IFS Parts Work Therapy Can Help You to Recognize When a Younger Traumatized Part of Yourself Has Taken Over

I've written prior articles about IFS (Internal Family Systems) Parts Work as a trauma therapy (see a links for these articles at this end of this article).

This article provides a basic understanding of what happens when a younger part of you, also known as an exile in IFS, takes over when you get triggered.

Recognizing When a Younger Part of Yourself Has Taken Over

There is a lot more to IFS than exiles, including protector parts ("Manager" Parts and "Firefighter Parts") which you can read about in a book I recommend at the end of the article.

The focus for this article is how to recognize when you're immersed in a traumatized younger part of yourself which has taken over your current emotional experience and how to understand that this part is usually rooted in earlier traumatic experiences (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

What Are Younger Parts of Yourself?

In Parts Work Therapy, like IFS, there is a recognition that we all have many different parts that make up our inner world, including younger parts. 

You can think of parts as being metaphors for your intrapsychic experiences. Thinking of them as parts, as opposed to intrapsychic experiences, helps to simplify the concept of internal parts.

Recognizing When a Younger Part of Yourself Has Taken Over

Another way of thinking about a younger part is using the term "inner child" which has been popularized and made accessible in the work of John Bradshaw who wrote Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child.

Parts Work Therapy, including Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy and Ego States Therapy, also recognizes that traumatized individuals carry younger, vulnerable parts of their psyche and these parts carry heavy unprocessed traumatic emotional burdens including shame, fear and feelings of being unworthy.

In IFS these parts are called "exiles".

What Are the Characteristics and Examples of Exiles?

Some of the common characteristics include:

• Vulnerability: They represent younger, childlike selves needing care.

• Frozen in Time: These parts relive past traumatic experiences in the present including experiences of childhood emotional neglect and abuse. Not only are these parts frozen in time, they also have the same childhood capabilities you had at the time of the trauma. This is why when these younger parts/exiles erupt, you can't think logically and handle the current situation like an adult. In other words, you don't have access to the logical part of your brain at that moment.

Trauma Response: Frozen in Time

• Burdened Beliefs: These parts carry the burden of the original trauma and they often hold beliefs like "I'm unlovable" or "I'm broken".

• Examples of Exiles: The rejected child, the abused child, the neglected child, the frightened toddler, the unloved teenager or the humiliated younger self are some of the many examples of exiled younger parts.

How Do Exiles Function?

The feelings associated with exiles are usually too painful to feel on a conscious level so they remain unconscious until they are triggered.

This doesn't mean that exiles are "bad" or that any part of your inner world is bad. Rather than thinking of them as something to get rid of, which you can't do anyway, think about these parts as stuck or frozen in time and, through IFS Parts Work Therapy, they can be "updated" to be a healthier part of you.

When these feelings get triggered, they can suddenly erupt without warning (see my article: Parts Work Therapy: Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?).

How Do You Know When a Younger Part (Exile) Has Taken Over?

The following are signs that an exile might have been triggered and taken over:

• Intense Emotional Flooding: A sudden and rapid onset of fear, sadness, hopelessness, helplessness or terror

• Reactions That Are Disproportionate to the Situation: A relatively minor event can trigger an extreme response which can relate to feelings of rejection or abandonment (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Triggered and Overreacting 

• Feeling "Young": You might feel small, young--like you're a child again--even though you're an adult.

• Somatic Sensations: Sensations might include a heaviness or tightness in your chest, intense cold, feeling unsafe and so on.

• Negative Core Beliefs: Sudden feelings of "I'm unlovable" or "I'm broken" or "I'm unsafe"

• A Sudden Need to Escape: You might feel a sudden need to escape in the moment and, afterwards, you might engage in compulsive behaviors to numb yourself again including:

• Compulsive cleaning or organizing
• Compulsive working 
• Compulsive shopping and/or overspending
• Drinking excessively
• Using drugs to numb out
• Out of Control Sexual Behavior
  
• Compulsive gambling including grief gambling
• Scrolling on your phone aimlessly for lengthy periods of time
• Other forms of compulsive and impulsive behavior used to numb and distract yourself

When you're immersed in an exiled part, the feelings are usually raw and painful. 

Since you're "blended" with this part, you no longer have the ability to witness your feelings in an objective and logical way. Instead of saying, "A part of me feels devastated", you experience the devastation as a overall feeling, like "I am devastated."

There is no separation between your Core Self (also known as Adult Self or Higher Self) and the exiled part because your Core Self is wrapped up in the exiled part, so you can't take space from the experience to be objective.

What to Do When Your Core Self is Blended With an Exile Part

This requires practice. Instead of lashing out at your loved ones, pause so you can observe what you're feeling instead of completely identifying with the feeling.

To unblend from this younger part/exile:

• Name the Feeling: Acknowledge the sensation: "I'm feeling frightened right now" or "I'm feeling unlovable right now" or "I'm feeling abandoned right now". This will help you to observe what is happening to you instead of being immersed in the experience (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment).

• Ask the Part For Space: If possible, have an internal dialog with the exile/traumatized part and ask this younger part for space so you can be in the present moment and not stuck in feelings related to your traumatic past.

• Be Curious and Compassionate: Instead of being judgmental and self-blaming, get curious and feel compassionate towards this part of yourself.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases and illustrates the dynamics described in this article:

Dana

Dana had a significant history of childhood trauma including emotional neglect and physical abuse.  There was no one available to help Dana as a child during her traumatic experiences.

After she graduated college, Dana moved far away from her family. She believed that if she moved away from Southern California, where her family lived, to New York City, her family would no longer affect her.

She developed a career as an executive coach which she really enjoyed. Her clients praised her work and she finally felt free of her family's influence.

When she got into an exclusive relationship with Tom, she felt like everything in her life was falling into place. Several months after they met, they moved in together in Manhattan.

Tom had a career as a management consultant that involved a lot of travel, which Dana knew about from the start of their relationship. However, his frequent travel brought up feelings of loneliness, abandonment, fear and panic.

If he didn't call or text her several times a day, Dana would have doubts about Tom and their relationship. Even though she knew he was in all day meetings, she still believed he could have found times during the day to call her instead of waiting until the evening.

Stuck in a Child Part

During those evening calls, Dana needed constant reassurance that Tom still loved her and he wasn't abandoning her. When Tom asked Dana where her fears were coming from, she was so immersed in her younger traumatized part that she couldn't think clearly. 

There were times in the middle of the night that Dana would feel on the verge of a panic attack and she called Tom and woke him up. Groggy with sleep, Tom couldn't understand why Dana was feeling so panicky and neither could she.

Afterward, they would talk about it and Dana would feel calmer for the moment--until the next time she got triggered with feelings of rejection and fear of abandonment.  Then, the cycle would begin again where Dana would demand reassurance from Tom, but nothing he said reassured her for long.

After several similar incidents, Tom spoke to Dana about getting help in therapy. He was kind and compassionate, but he knew that there was nothing he could do to help Dana overcome these problems. She needed professional help.

When Dana began therapy with an IFS therapist, she became aware that her triggers were related to unresolved trauma. 

Her therapist helped Dana to develop better coping skills including: Skills to develop a stronger observing self who could pause, witness herself when she was triggered, name the feeling and have a dialog with that inner part of herself to ask it to give her space so she could get curious about what was happening to her and approach this part with curiosity and compassion.

As Dana learned to remain grounded and not get derailed by her younger self, she had fewer incidents where she panicked when Tom was away. 

The work wasn't easy or quick. She still had times when she would regress into that younger part, but she would also recover faster than she had in the past (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Once Dana was stabilized, her IFS therapist was able to begin work with Dana on her traumatic history. 

The work was experiential--feeling the parts that came up--rather than just talking about it as she would have done in traditional talk therapy (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy, Like IFS, More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

Over time, Dana was able to work through her unresolved childhood trauma so it was no longer affecting her or her relationship.

Her childlike part still came up at times, but once it was no longer carrying the burden of the childhood trauma, she experienced this part as being happy and playful rather than triggering unresolved trauma.

Conclusion

One blog article can't explain all the nuances of IFS. So, I suggest you read No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness With Internal Family Systems by Richard C. Schwartz.

Get Help in Parts Work Therapy

There are many different types of Experiential Therapy for trauma, aside from IFS Parts Work, including EMDR Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP and other trauma-related therapies.

Get Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

Parts Work is unique in that you can do deep intrapsychic work without spending the amount of time you might in psychoanalysis.

A skilled IFS therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma so you can have a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Understand Yourself? 

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy

How IFS Therapy Can Help You With Anxiety 

How Are Emotions Processed in IFS Therapy? 

The Silent Treatment and Gaslighting As Emotional and Psychological Abuse

The combination of the silent treatment and gaslighting is a powerful form of emotional and psychological abuse (see my article: What is Psychological Manipulation?).

Let's look at each one separately and then we'll look at them together.

What is the Silent Treatment?

It's important to distinguish the silent treatment from someone who communicates they need a break from an argument.  

The Silent Treatment

When someone communicates they need a break, they usually do it because they are feeling overwhelmed or they feel a conflict is getting out of control and both people need a break. The understanding is that this is a temporary break and both sides will come together again in a calmer state to continue talking.

The silent treatment a deliberate and prolonged withdrawal of communication. It's usually used to control and inflict punishment.  

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting involves manipulating someone into questioning their own thoughts, perceptions and memories (see my article: What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?).

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a control tactic to get someone to doubt their reality so they often become dependent upon the abuser.

    Common tactics or phrases include:

• Denial of Facts: "That never happened" or "I never said that" even when they are confronted with proof

• Trivializing Feelings: "You're overreacting" or "You're too sensitive"

• Diverting/Blocking: "You're just imagining things" or accusing someone of being "crazy"

• Twisting Information: Manipulating events to make the other person feel guilty or at fault

    Signs of Gaslighting:

• Second-Guessing Yourself: You constantly second guess your memories or decisions.

• Confusion, Anxiety, Disorientation: You feel confused, anxious or disoriented.

• Self Doubt: You feel like you can't do anything right.

How Does the Combination of the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting Function as Abuse?

• Gaslighted By Silence: When someone uses the silent treatment, they are withholding emotion and connection. If they deny they were cold or indicate that they were "just taking space", despite engaging in a cruel and prolonged shutdown, they are using silence as a form of gaslighting.

Gaslighting By Silence

• Creating "Crazy-Making" Doubt: They might ignore the other person after a disagreement and then act as if nothing happened or accuse the other person of overreacting when they try to address their prolonged coldness. This can cause the other person to question their perceptions.

• The Cycle of Punishment and Reward: They use silence to punish the other person as a way to manipulate them into "working" for the resumption of the conversation (e.g., apologizing for something they didn't do).

• Narcissistic Tendencies: People who use the silent treatment and gaslighting tend to have narcissistic tendencies. They often engage in this behavior to avoid taking responsibility.

What is the Psychological Impact of the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting?

• Internalized Blame and Feelings of Inadequacy: The person who is experiencing the silent treatment and gaslighting can feel shame, guilt and a decrease in their sense of self worth.

Self Blame and Doubt

• "Walking on Eggshells": They can develop high anxiety and hypervigilance while monitoring the other person's mood to avoid another episode of the silent treatment.

• Trauma Bonding: The unpredictable cycle of severe disconnection followed by sudden reconnection can create trauma bonds making them increasingly dependent on the other person (see my article: What isTrauma Bonding in a Relationship?.).

• Physical and Neurological Pain: Research indicates that being deliberately ignored activates the same area in the brain, the anterior cingulate cortex, that processes physical pain.

• Long Term Effects: Prolonged exposure to a combination of the silent treatment and gaslighting can lead to symptoms similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) including chronic stress, anxiety, depression and confusion.

What Can You Do If You're Experiencing the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting?

• Be Aware This is Abuse: By recognizing this behavior as abuse that is meant to control you can help you to reduce self blame.

Setting Boundaries

• Set Boundaries: Communicate that you won't engage with someone who refuses to communicate openly and effectively (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Document Incidents: Keep a record of these incidents to counteract the effects to gaslighting.

Getting Help in Therapy

• Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members and a licensed mental health professional to break the cycle of isolation.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing From Childhood Trauma: What is the Difference Between Abuse and Emotional Neglect?

I've written about childhood trauma in prior articles, including articles about childhood abuse and neglect.

Childhood Abuse vs Neglect

A common question that clients ask when they are in trauma therapy involves understanding the difference between abuse and neglect, which is the subject of this article (see my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma).

What is the Difference Between Abuse and Neglect?

The main difference between childhood abuse and neglect is action versus inaction of the caregiver as well as the intent of their behavior. 

• Abuse: Abuse is often an active, intentional, effort to harm, threaten or injure a child. It is an act of commission. Examples include (but are not limited to) physical harm, emotional abuse and sexual abuse. Abuse usually involves intentional, reckless and premeditated behavior.

• Emotional Neglect: Emotional neglect is often passive. It is an act of omission. The caregiver does not provide the necessary basic care (food, shelter, medical care) and emotional nurturance which includes the emotional support, validation, empathy and secure emotional connection for healthy childhood development.

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes illustrate the difference between childhood abuse and neglect.  All identifying information has been removed to protect confidentiality.

An Example of Abuse: Sara

When Sara was a young child, her father would often come home drunk and beat Sara and her siblings. He would also hit their mother who felt powerless to stop him from hitting her and the children. By the next day, when the father was sober, he didn't remember hitting his wife and children. But after Sara's maternal uncle moved into the home, he put a stop to the abuse by restraining the father and calling the police. After several incidents where the police were called, the father was court mandated to get into alcohol treatment and the family received mental health services from a local community mental health service.

An Example of Neglect: Tom

When Tom was a young boy, he was emotionally neglected by both of his parents. His mother focused on her design business so that she rarely went to any school activities that Tom participated in. She would frequently place Tom in front of the television while she entertained clients in the house. His father was usually away on business trips and, when he was at home, he spent most of his time in his den watching sports while Tom was alone in his room. When a young family moved next door, the mother would invite Tom to come over to play with her children. She was also kind and compassionate with Tom because she realized he was a lonely boy.

The Trauma of Childhood Abuse and Neglect

Both abuse and emotional neglect are traumatic.

There are times when emotional neglect can be more damaging than abuse because:

• Emotional Neglect is Often Invisible: Emotional neglect can be hard to identify because it's often invisible. Neglect is characterized by what didn't happen (lack of love, attention or validation) as opposed to certain forms of abuse that can be detected based on marks or scars on a child's body that are noticeable.

Childhood Abuse vs Neglect

• Children Internalize Neglect: Whereas children who are abused might blame the abuser, children  who are emotionally neglected often blame themselves. These children believe they are flawed in some way and, as a result, they were unlovable (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

• Brain Development: Many children who are severely and chronically neglected can experience cognitive and language deficits.

What Are the Long Term Effects of Childhood Abuse and Neglect?

Both abuse and neglect can have a long lasting potential psychological effects including:

• Mental Health: Anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

• Relationship Problems: Problems with trust, fear of intimacy or self abandonment in relationships (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?)

• Problems with Emotions: Difficulty identifying, managing and expressing emotions 

Conclusion

Although both abuse and neglect can have long lasting effects, studies have shown that neglect is often particularly damaging especially when the neglect is unseen, ignored or overlooked.

Although I have discussed abuse and neglect separately to distinguish one from the other, there can also be a combination of abuse and neglect.

Many adults believe their experience wasn't bad enough to get help.  However, the trauma of abuse and neglect usually require the therapeutic interventions of trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy includes a group of therapies that were specifically developed to help clients to overcome the traumatic effects of their history (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective at Resolving Trauma Than Talk Therapy?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Trauma therapy includes:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist.

Working through unresolved trauma can help you to free yourself from your history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotional Regulation: What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

Over the years, working with clients who have unresolved trauma, I have discovered that many people don't understand the difference between being calm and being emotionally numb (see my article: What is Emotional Regulation?).

Emotional Regulation: Calmness vs Emotional Numbing

Many clients who meditate on a regular basis often think they're calm when, in reality, they're emotionally numb. 

So, I think it's worthwhile to provide information about the difference between being calm and being numb in the current article (see my article: How to Manage Emotions Without Suppressing Them).

What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

There is a big difference between the state of being calm and the state of being emotionally numb:

Calmness:

• A conscious effort to relax, center and ground yourself

Calmness

• A state of peace and serenity
• An ability to be aware, acknowledge and manage emotions in an healthy way

Emotional Numbness:

• A unconscious coping mechanism to avoid overwhelming emotions
• A feeling of being emotionally detached, shut down, empty
• An inability to feel positive or negative emotions 

Emotional Numbness

• An experience of physical and/or emotional flatness
• The potential to lose interest in people and activities that were enjoyable before
• An impaired ability to fully participate in life
• A usual preference for being alone rather than being with others

Note: You don't have to experience all of these symptoms to be emotionally numb.

What Causes Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness is usually an unconscious strategy or defense mechanism for coping with overwhelming emotion.

Emotional numbing can develop at any time in life. 

It often develops at an early age when children are in situations that are emotionally overwhelming (e.g., chaotic home life, emotional and/or physical abuse and so on).

Emotional Numbness

Although this unconscious strategy can help a child to survive in an emotionally unhealthy environment because they don't get too overwhelmed, it becomes a hindrance when these children become adults.

As adults, these individuals often have difficulty knowing what they feel about themselves and others. They might also experience difficulty connecting emotionally with others so that even if part of them wants to connect with others, another part of them is afraid.  

These internal parts tend to create conflict between their desire and their dread for connection (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

As mentioned earlier, unresolved trauma often plays of significant role for people who are emotionally numb.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how emotional numbness creates problems in a relationship and how trauma therapy can help:

Alexa

During the early stage of Alexa's relationship with Jim, she enjoyed getting to know him and spending time with him.

Problems developed after the honeymoon stage of their relationship.

Alexa and Jim

Prior to that, Alexa was aware of her emotions. She also enjoyed sex with Jim.  

However, after the initial stage of their relationship, as they became more emotionally intimate, Alexa felt emotionally and physically flat. She also felt disconnected from Jim.

After she sought help in trauma therapy, Alexa became aware of how her early history of emotional neglect and sexual abuse affected her ability to be emotionally and sexually available with Jim.

Her family history included growing up with parents who were emotionally distant from her. 

In addition, from the age of 10-13, she was sexually abused by her father's brother who took care of Alexa when her parents went out in the evenings.

Whenever her uncle came into her bedroom at night and fondled her, Alexa would freeze and dissociate (i.e., zone out).

In other words, she would become emotionally numb as an unconscious way to protect herself from being overwhelmed by the abuse.

Even when Alexa told her parents about the uncle's sexual abuse, they didn't know how to deal with it because they were intimidated by the father's brother because he was the  oldest brother and he tended to dominate Alexa's father.

As a result, although her parents stopped asking the uncle to take care of Alexa, they never confronted him, so he faced no consequences for the abuse. 

It wasn't until the uncle abused his neighbors' young daughter that he faced legal consequences after his neighbors reported him to the police and he was arrested. 

During her trauma therapy, Alexa processed her unresolved trauma with a combination of EMDR Therapy,  Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work Therapy.

The work involved the abuse by the uncle as well as her parents' neglect.

The work was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Alexa processed the trauma and she was able to be more emotionally self aware and present with Jim.  

Alexa and Jim also sought help in sex therapy to help them both to overcome their sexual problems so they could enjoy sex again.

Conclusion

There is a big difference between being calm and being emotionally numb.

Emotional numbness is often a survival strategy to ward off overwhelming emotions related to unresolved trauma.

Trauma therapy can help clients to work through unresolved trauma. 

Everyone is different in terms of how they process trauma. 

How long trauma therapy takes often depends on many factors, including the depth and complexity of the trauma as well as a client's internal resources and ability to process the trauma.

When there is a history of sexual abuse which affects a relationship, sex therapy is often helpful to assist clients to connect emotionally and sexually in a way that feels safe and pleasurable for both of them (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the training and expertise to help you.

Working through trauma helps to free you from your history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma, including sexually related trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

In my prior article, How Can Trauma Therapy Help to Cope With Family Estrangements?, I began a discussion about family estrangements and how trauma therapy can help.

Family estrangements, also known as cutoffs, can occur between parents and adult children or between adult siblings (see my article: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

In the current article, which is a part of a series of articles on family estrangements, I'm focusing on estrangements between parents and adult children where the adult child has a problem with a parent's current behavior or past behavior.

In this article, I'll use the terms estrangement and cutoffs interchangeably.

What Are the Most Common Causes of Estrangement Between Parents and Adult Children?

Estrangements can occur for many reasons including but not limited to:

• Abuse, including a history of childhood emotional and physical abuse and sexual abuse

• Neglect, including a history of childhood emotional neglect

• Betrayal

• Bullying

• Psychological problems

• Substance misuse and other compulsive or addictive behavior

• Lack of emotional support

• An adult child's or parent's sexual orientation (see my articles: Coming Out as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Queer, Coming Out to Your Father as a Gay Man)

• An adult child's or parent's gender identity (see my article: Being the "Different One" in Your Family)

• Choice of a partner or spouse (see my article: What to Do If Your Partner and Parents Don't Get Along)

• Religious views (see my article: Religion: Are You Contemplating Your Faith of Origin in a New Light?)

• Political views

• Money issues, including money borrowed, wills, inheritance plans and so on

• Other reasons

How Common Are Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children?

It's estimated that approximately 12% of parents and adult children are estranged.

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

Most of the time cutoffs are initiated by adult children.  About 5-6% are initiated by parents.

How Long Do Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children Last?

The length of time for estrangements varies based on the people involved, the problems between them and other individual issues between parents and adult children.

On average, estrangements between parents and adult children last about nine years. However, an estrangement can be days, weeks or months long.

Can an Estrangement Based on a History of Childhood Abuse Be Reconciled?

The best possible hope for a reconciliation is for a parent to acknowledge and make amends to an adult child.  

The problem is that parents who engaged in childhood abuse often don't admit any wrongdoing. 

Even if they admit that their behavior was abusive, they might try to minimize it by saying their behavior wasn't that bad. 

They might also try to minimize it by trying to deny how the early abuse affects the adult child now by saying something like, "That happened so long ago. Why don't you just get over it?" (see my article: How a History of Unresolved Childhood Trauma Can Affect How You Feel About Yourself as an Adult).

Needless to say, it's hurtful for an adult child, who was abused by a parent, to hear their parent dismiss or minimize the impact of the abuse. 

Under these circumstances, some adult children might feel confused and doubt their early experiences or whether they have a right to ask their parent to take responsibility and make amends.

When a parent isn't ready to take responsibility and make amends, they place a nearly impossible barrier for reconciliation. 

Even if the adult child decides to try to somehow put aside their hurt, they will probably still feel resentment and sadness, which might only allow them to engage in limited contact with their parent.

Even if a parent takes responsibility and shows genuine remorse for their behavior, a reconciliation isn't automatic. Emotional healing is a process and, depending upon the problem and the people involved, a reconciliation might be slow or nearly impossible.

Next Article:

In my next article I'll continue to focus on family estrangements and some suggestions on how to reconcile these cutoffs:

Family Estrangements: Understanding Barriers to Reconciliation

Getting Help in Therapy

Family estrangements are usually emotionally wrenching and traumatic whether you're the person who initiated the cutoff or you're the person who has been cutoff.

Getting Help in Therapy

Trauma therapy can help you to heal.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to start the healing process.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialities, as a trauma therapist, is helping adult clients to heal (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapst?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.