Overcoming Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship?

People who maintain toxic hope (or false hope) in an unhealthy relationship often get stuck in unhappy relationships.

What is Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship?

Toxic hope is blindly holding onto hope that an unhealthy relationship will get better--even when there are no signs of that this will happen.

Overcoming Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship

Toxic hope can keep you wrapped up in false narratives about your relationship rather than  confronting reality as it is because the reality of your situation feels too painful. It's a form of denial where you fool yourself.

This type of false hope keeps people stuck in toxic relationships. Rather than accepting the reality of their situation, many people with toxic hope will work harder to try to make the relationship work--to the point of exhaustion.

If you experience toxic hope in an unhealthy relationship, you might try to avoid facing reality by trying to work on yourself in an effort to win over your partner or make positive changes. This often occurs when the other partner is making little or no effort to change.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can get stuck in an unhealthy relationship due to toxic hope and how therapy can help:

Lynn

Lynn was an optimistic and ambitious woman who was successful in her career.  She also had many close friends.

When Lynn first met Steve, she was head-over-heels in love with him. They saw each other almost every day and they enjoyed each other's company. By their second month together, they decided to become exclusive.

However, three months into the relationship, Lynn found out that Steve lost his job and this was the most recent job loss in a long line of job losses.

He asked to borrow $5,000 from her with the promise he would pay her back within a couple of months. But, even after he found another well-paying job, he never mentioned repaying the money he owed her and Lynn just assumed he would pay her back when he could.

Soon after that, Steve would cancel their dates at the last minute. He made up many excuses, which Lynn convinced herself were true. Even when her best friend confronted her, Lynn was adamant that her relationship with Steve was going well.

After another friend told Lynn that she saw Steve walking hand in hand with another woman, Lynn convinced herself that she went into an all out self improvement regime--she went to the gym almost every day, lost weight and changed the color of her hair. She even thought about getting breast augmentation--all in an effort to get her relationship with Steve back to where it was in the beginning.

During that time, Steve broke up with her. He told her he met someone new and he wasn't interested in being with Lynn anymore. After that Lynn was heartbroken, but she didn't give up. She told Steve she hope they could remain friends and meet for coffee sometimes.  Steve seemed surprised, but he agreed.

Overcoming Toxic Hope in an Unhealthy Relationship

Lynn's friends urged her to get her money back from and to stop hoping he would come back to her. But Lynn didn't listen to them.

She would meet Steve for coffee every few weeks and he would tell her his new girlfriend was fantastic and they were going to move in together. Although Lynn felt upset, she kept smiling and hoping Steve would come back to her.

When Steve told her his new girlfriend didn't like him spending time with her, Lynn still couldn't accept that it was over. 

Months went by and one day Lynn ran into Steve with his girlfriend and he introduced them. Then he told Lynn that he and his girlfriend were going to get married. His girlfriend held out her hand to show Lynn the engagement ring. Then, Steve and his girlfriend walked off looking very much in love.

At that point, Lynn felt like her world was crashing down on her. She couldn't fool herself anymore--she had to admit she lost Steve and he was in love with someone else.

Her friends encouraged Lynn to seek help in therapy which she did reluctantly. She told her therapist she kept thinking about all the good times she and Steve had together. She said she would sometimes spend whole days just remembering how good their relationship was at the beginning and she couldn't believe it was over.

Her therapist asked Lynn about her family history and Lynn revealed that she had a similar relationship with her parents. Other than providing her with the basic necessities, her parents tended to ignore her and, as an only child, she tended to spend a lot of time on her own.

Lynn revealed that she excelled academically and she always had friends, but she tended to be in denial, even as an adult, about the emotional neglect she experienced as a child. 

Throughout her life, Lynn believed she could get her parents' attention by maintaining excellent grades in school and succeeding in her career, but her parents weren't interested. 

Her therapist saw parallels between the toxic hope she maintained in her relationship with her parents and the toxic hope she had maintained in her relationship with Steve.

Initially, Lynn couldn't admit she was emotionally neglected as a child. She made up many excuses for the way her parents neglected her but, over time, she realized how she was in denial about her parents, Steve and other men she had been involved with before Steve.

At that point, Lynn was able to grieve her childhood and the way she was treated in her relationships. Her therapist helped her with trauma therapy, including EMDR and Parts Work Therapy.

Gradually, Lynn realized she had allow herself to get stuck in unhealthy relationships with men due to her denial in the form of toxic hope. 

She also learned to assert herself by asking Steve to repay her the $5,000 he owed her and she was surprised to receive a check from him.

As she continued to work in trauma therapy, Lynn allowed herself to see her relationship with her parents and her romantic relationships for what they were and not for what she hoped they would be.

She also worked on feeling that she deserved to be in a relationship where she was treated well.

Conclusion

Toxic hope is a form of denial.

Toxic hope in an unhealthy involved convincing yourself that the relationship will work out--even when there are serious red flags that it won't.

Toxic hope is often rooted in unresolved trauma.

Trauma therapy can help you to get to the root of your problems so you don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than repeating the same healthy patterns, get help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you stuck so you can live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma (see my article: What is Trauma Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Mind-Body Connection: Overcoming the Defense Mechanism of Denial With Experiential Therapy

In my prior article, The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Reacts When the Mind Gets Stuck in Denial, I discussed the defense mechanism of denial and how denial impacts people psychologically as well as physically due to the mind-body connection.

Overcoming the Defense Mechanism of Denial

In this article I'm focusing on how Experiential Therapy can help clients who use denial as a maladaptive coping mechanism  (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Denial as an Unconscious Process

For many people using denial is an unconscious process. 

People who use denial unconsciously often have little or no awareness that they are using denial to avoid emotional pain--until there are consequences as a result of the denial and avoidance.

The consequences might be a worsening of their emotional problems and/or health.

People who have more awareness about their use of denial often realize they need help, but their fear of dealing with their problems keeps them from fully acknowledging their problem so they don't seek help.

Overcoming the Defense Mechanism of Denial

What You Can Do on Your Own

• Recognize and Acknowledge the Problem: This is the first step in overcoming denial. If you recognize you engage in a pattern of denial and avoidance, you can start to make changes. Some of the signs that you use denial as a defense mechanism include:

• Getting defensive
• Avoiding thinking about a problem
• Avoiding taking action to resolve a problem

• Slow Down: You're more likely to use denial as a way to avoid a problem when you react quickly, so taking the time to slow down can help you to self reflect on how your behavior (or lack of behavior) is affecting a problem you're avoiding.

Practice Mindfulness

• Practice Mindfulness: Along with slowing down, practicing mindfulness can help you to stay calm and grounded so you can deal with stress and your own habit of denial and avoidance.

• Develop Self Awareness: Self reflection can help you to be more self aware recognize how you might be self sabotaging.

Writing in a Journal Develop Self Awareness

• Write in a Journal: Writing about your problems in an open way can help you to observe and reflect on your thoughts, emotions and behavior (see my article:  Writing Can Help You Reflect on Your Thoughts, Emotions and Behavior).

Asking For Emotional Support

• Ask for Emotional Support: Ask trusted family and friends for emotional support. Be open to their feedback and suggestions without getting defensive (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support).

How Experiential Psychotherapy Can Help to Overcome a Pattern of Using Denial

Experiential Therapy is different than regular talk therapy (see my article: Experiential Therapy Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential Therapy can help you:

• Develop Self Awareness: Experiential Therapy can help you to develop better self awareness about unconscious defense mechanisms you might be using, including denial, using mind-body oriented interventions (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

• Develop Greater Self Reflective Capacity: Experiential Therapy can help you to develop or improve your self reflective capacity so that you can think about their thoughts, emotions and behaviors, including unconscious motivations. Becoming aware of unconscious motivations and using self reflection can help you to think before you act so they can make better choices (see my article: The Unconscious Mind: The Symptom Contains the Solution).

Gaining Insight in Therapy

• Gain Insight: Experiential Therapy can help you to gain insight into your thoughts, emotions and behaviors.

• Provide Clinical Feedback: Experiential Therapists can provide you with clinical feedback to help them understand your patterns and how you make decisions so you can grow and change.

• Overcome Emotional Blocks: Experiential Therapists are aware that you might have difficulty making the changes you want to make because you might have emotional blocks that need to be identified. Once emotional blocks have been discovered, Experiential Therapists can help you to work through and overcome the blocks. This is often challenging and requires a commitment to let go of dynamics that are holding you back (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Blocks).

• Facilitate Transformational Experiences in Therapy: Experiential Therapists can help facilitate transformational changes.

Get Help in Therapy

Since defense mechanisms, like denial, are often unconscious, it can be difficult to overcome emotional blocks to change on your own.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from an Experiential Therapist who can help you to overcome maladaptive coping strategies, like denial and avoidance.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you lead to lead a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am an Experiential Therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome obstacles to their growth.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Reacts When the Mind Gets Stuck in Denial

I'm focusing on the mind-body connection when the mind gets stuck in denial and how denial can affect the body.

What is Denial?

Denial is a defense mechanism (see my article: Understanding Defense Mechanisms).

The Body Reacts When the Mind Gets Stuck in Denial

People use denial as a form of self protection against accepting something that would be too painful for them to admit to themselves.  

Signs of Denial

Some common signs include:

• Refusing to talk about the problem
• Finding ways to justify denial
• Blaming others or outside forces for the problem
• Persisting in behavior despite negative consequences
• Promising to address the problem in the future, but it doesn't get addressed
• Avoiding thinking about the problem

Short Term Denial vs Ongoing Denial

Short term denial can be helpful and adaptive under certain circumstances. 

However, ongoing denial, which happens the mind gets stuck in denial, is often self destructive and destructive to others.

Ongoing denial is a maladaptive use of this defense mechanism. 

Short Term Denial Can Be Helpful Under Certain Circumstances

Sometimes short term denial can be adaptive because it gives people a chance 

to get ready to face a situation they're not ready to face in the moment.

An Example of Short Term Denial Being Helpful

    Mario and Judy

When the doctor told Mario and his older sister, Judy, that their mother's cancer was terminal and that any more chemotherapy would only hasten her demise, they were shocked and they refused to believe it at first.  However, after the initial shock wore off, they talked to their mother's doctor about next steps. After their talk, they were ready to accept that their mother would be much more comfortable in hospice care where she would be made comfortable until she passed away. Three days after being in hospice, their mother passed away peacefully in and, although they grieved the loss, they knew they made the best decision for her.  In this example, Mario and Judy weren't ready, at first, to accept the news that nothing more could be done to eradicate the cancer. Their short term denial gave them a chance to process and accept the news, as hard as it was, and prepare themselves for the worst. At that point, they were able to make the decision to have the medical staff transfer their mother into hospice care so she would be made comfortable. After her death, even though they were very sad and they grieved, they knew they made the right decision in accepting the futility of further cancer treatment and hospice was the best possible option under the circumstances.

 An Example of How Ongoing Denial Can Affect the Body

    Nina

Mario and Judy's younger sister, Nina, had a very different experience. After their mother died, Mario and Judy grieved their mother's death and eventually they made peace with her passing. But Nina wasn't able to accept her mother's terminal cancer diagnosis. She was in complete denial. She argued with the oncologist and the nurses on the cancer ward.  She also opposed putting the mother in hospice and argued with her siblings. She kept insisting that more chemotherapy would help, but Judy was on the mother's health proxy and she had power of attorney, so Nina couldn't stop her siblings' decisions. 

After her mother died, Nina contacted several malpractice attorneys. She channeled all her denial and anger about the mother's death into bringing a malpractice suit against the medical staff that treated her mother. But, after reviewing the medical records, every lawyer she contacted told her that she didn't have a case.  No one in the family was able to help Nina to accept that everything that could have been done was done. 

After several months, Nina's denial took a toll on her health. She developed insomnia, frequent headaches and high blood pressure. Her primary care physical advised her that she needed to accept and mourn the loss of her mother. But she wouldn't accept her mother's death and her health continued to deteriorate until she was hospitalized.  

It wasn't until the hospital sent a clinical social worker who was on staff to speak with Nina about the impact her denial was having on her health that she began to take her first tentative steps to overcome her denial. Part of her hospital discharge plan was to see a psychotherapist to deal with her denial and release the grief that was bottled up inside her.

How the Body Reacts When the Mind Gets Stuck in Denial

In Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's excellent book, The Body Keeps the Score, he discusses the connection between the mind and the body.

The Body Reacts When the Mind Gets Stuck in Denial

Ongoing denial occurs when a person refuses to accept something that is too painful for them.  Even though their mind might reject whatever they cannot accept, their body can react.

When someone gets stuck in denial, they use a lot of mental energy to maintain this defense mechanism. This causes stress and muscle tension. 

Over time, stress hormones can take their toll on the body. 

The person who is in denial might not make the connection between their denial and the consequences to their body.

  Other Examples of Denial

• Someone denies they have an alcohol or drug problem because they're still able to function on a day-to-day basis.

In Denial About Substance Abuse Problems

• Someone hurts their partner's feelings, but instead of accepting this, they blame their partner for their hurtful behavior.

Blaming a Partner For One's Own Behavior

• Someone who is having an emotional problem refuses to accept it or get help, so it gets worse over time both emotionally and physically.

Getting Help in Therapy

Before denial takes its toll on your mind and body, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to identify your particular pattern of denial and other defense mechanisms you might be using to avoid dealing with your problems.

Rather than allowing your problems to get worse, seek professional help so you can lead a healthier and more fulfilling life.

See My Other Related Articles

The Mind-Body Connection: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress

The Mind-Body Connection: What is Somatic Awareness?

Clinical Hypnosis and the Mind-Body Connection

The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance For You and Your Loved Ones

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

When there's discomfort due to inconsistencies in what you believe and how you behave, you tend to do whatever you can to minimize your discomfort.

You might attempt to relieve your discomfort by avoiding, rejecting, minimizing or explaining away any information that highlights the fact that your behavior and your beliefs aren't in alignment (see my article: Understanding Internal and External Defense Mechanisms - Part 1 and Part 2.

What Are the Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance?

• You feel uncomfortable before you make a decision or take action which goes against your values and beliefs.

• You try to rationalize a decision or an action you have taken (this includes rationalizing to yourself as well as others).

Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance

• You feel embarrassed or ashamed of a decision you have made or an action you have taken so you try not to think about it and you also try to hide it from others.

• You feel regret, guilt or shame about something you have done in the past.

• You do things that are against your values and beliefs due of social pressure and because you don't want to feel left out.

What Are Examples of Cognitive Dissonance?

The following are examples of cognitive dissonance, which you might recognize in yourself:

• You know that smoking cigarettes (or vaping) is harmful to your health, but you rationalize continuing to smoke (or vape) by telling yourself that you're experiencing a lot of stress and you'll give up tobacco tomorrow.

• Your doctor told you that you need to stop drinking because you have liver damage, but you find ways to justify continuing to drink by telling yourself you'll give up drinking as part of your New Year's resolutions. But you don't stop by the deadline you've given yourself.  Despite the fact you haven't stopped, you tell yourself (and others) you can stop at any time.

Cognitive Dissonance Related to Your Health and Well-Being

• You want to lose weight, but you consistently overeat and tell yourself you'll start the diet next week. 

• You value your personal integrity, but you're having an extramarital affair and you're lying to your spouse about what you're doing when you're with your affair partner (see my article: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair).

• You made a commitment to your spouse to tackle a task at home, but while your spouse is out, you spend the day on your computer. When your spouse gets home, you say you'll get started on the project tomorrow, but you keep finding ways to put off doing it. You also get annoyed when your spouse wants you to be accountable.

• You make a commitment to yourself that you'll save a certain amount of money by a specified date, but you spend any extra cash you get before you save it.

What Kinds of Situations Can Lead to Cognitive Dissonance?

• External Pressure and Expectations: You might feel forced to comply with external expectations from your work, school or in a social situation that go against your beliefs, values or attitudes. Here are examples:

• Your boss says you must lie to a client you value and put your relationship with the client in jeopardy in order to increase your sales (see my article: Coping With a Difficult Boss).

Cognitive Dissonance and External Pressure

• You're with friends who are engaging in racial slurs and, even though you feel uncomfortable because racism is against your values, you don't say anything because you fear being ostracized from the group, but you also feel ashamed of yourself.

• You're in a monogamous relationship and being faithful to your partner is an important value to you. But you're at a bar with your buddies, they pressure you to pick up a woman at the bar and take her home. Initially, you refuse and they respond by calling you "whipped" and a "wuss." So, you go along with taking a woman home and cheating on your partner because you can't handle your friends' pressure and derogatory comments. Afterwards, you feel ashamed, but you justify your decision by telling yourself that you're not married so you can sleep with other women--even though you promised your partner to be faithful (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?)

• Decisions: You're in conflict about two options when you're trying to make a decision. You can only choose one option, which makes you feel uncomfortable.  After you make a choice, you realize you made the wrong decision. You try to make yourself feel better about the conflict by justifying why you made a particular choice.

• New Information: You receive new information about a decision you made that reveals you didn't take into account all the information relevant to your decision. To ward off feelings of discomfort, you either discredit the information or find other ways to justify your behavior--even though you know the choice you made was harmful to you and others.

What is the Impact of Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance makes you feel uncomfortable, and the greater discrepancy between your behavior and your attitudes, beliefs and values, the more uncomfortable you're likely to feel.

Your discomfort can include the following:

• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Shame
• Embarrassment
• Sadness
• Regret
• Anger towards yourself
• Disappointment in yourself
• Stress

Over time, cognitive dissonance can erode your sense of self and impair your self esteem.

You might try maladaptive ways to reduce your discomfort by:

• Engaging in denial by convincing yourself you didn't behave in a way that was against your values or beliefs

• Maintaining toxic secrets and hiding your behavior from your partner, your family and other significant people in your life

• Seeking only information that conforms to your behavior, which is called confirmation bias, and which has a negative impact on your ability to think critically.

Coping With Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

So far, I've provided maladaptive examples of how you might be trying to deal with cognitive dissonance.

Here are more adaptive ways of coping:

• Slow Down and Develop Greater Self Awareness: Instead of finding ways to deny your internal conflicts, become aware of these conflicts and the negative impact they have on you and your loved ones. You can try doing this through a mindfulness meditation, journaling or seeking emotional support from a trusted friend who can be compassionate and objective.

Coping with Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

• Clarify Your Beliefs, Attitudes and Values: Take time to think carefully and make a list about what's important to you in terms of your beliefs, attitudes and values.

• Practice Self Compassion: Instead of beating yourself up, practice self compassion, which is essential for emotional healing.

• Make a Plan For Real Change: After you have clarified what's most important to you, make a plan for real change. For example, if you want to stop smoking (or vaping), make a plan to get help that will be effective and one that you can maintain.

• Engage in Self Care: Reflect on what you need to do to take care of yourself without making excuses and then stick with your plan.

• Get Help in Therapy: Coming to terms with the conflicts between your behavior and your values can be difficult, especially if you're in the habit of making excuses, deceiving yourself and others or finding loopholes for your behavior.  A skilled therapist can help you to:

• Discover the underlying issues that have created this problem

Get Help in Therapy

• Develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills to overcome these issues

• Develop a plan to make changes

• Help you to stick with your plan and avoid the pitfalls and obstacles from the past

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Trauma and the Fawn Response: People Pleasing to Avoid or Diffuse Conflict

Fight, flight and freeze are the trauma responses that are usually discussed in trauma literature.  

In addition to these responses, Peter Walker, MA, a family therapist, coined the term "fawning" as another common trauma response to diffuse or avoid conflict (see my article: Unresolved Trauma: Living in the Present as if it Were the Past).

Trauma and the Fawn Response

Understanding Fight, Fight and Freeze as Trauma Responses

Before describing the fawn response, let's review the other three trauma responses: Fight, flight and freeze.

• Fight - Confront the Threat: The fight response involves anger and confrontation. This could be either verbal or physical and involves high energy.

• Flight - Run from the Threat: The flight response involves anxiety, avoidance and fleeing from the threat. It also includes high energy.

• Freeze - Shutdown to Block Out the Threat: The freeze response can include physical and/or emotional numbing and dissociation.  For animals in the wild, it's also called "playing possum" and it's often a powerful survival response to an imminent threat from a predator (the animal appears to be dead, which would make the predator lose interest).  This shutdown is a low energy response. For humans it often involves an involuntary response that includes feeling cold or numb, heaviness in the limbs, holding their breath and a sense of dread or foreboding.

Understanding Fawn as a Trauma Response

The fawn response usually develops due to unresolved childhood trauma, which is also known as developmental trauma (see my article: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

The fawn response involves appeasing, which includes codependency, people-pleasing and lack of boundaries to avoid conflict or threat.  

The person who is fawning prioritizes the other person's needs over their own.  In some cases, the person is unaware of their own needs because they're so accustomed to putting the other people's needs first.

Fawning often develops as a psychological survival strategy for a child who is being abused or neglected. The child learns early on that appeasing the parent(s), even if it means sacrificing their own needs will diminish a threat--whether the threat is emotional or physical.

Signs of Fawning Behavior:

The following behaviors are some of the most common signs of fawning behavior:

• Having problems being assertive and saying "no"
• Being overly compliant on a regular basis to avoid or diffuse conflict
• Having trouble setting boundaries
• Being overly apologetic
• Sacrificing your own needs to prioritize the needs of others
• Denying emotional and/or physical needs on a regular basis
• Compromising your values to align yourself with others
• Feeling guilty when you feel angry towards others because you don't feel entitled to your feelings
• Trying to "fix" or rescue others from their problems
• Attempting to control others or their choices so you can feel emotionally safe
• Gushing with praise or being overly complimentary toward someone--even when it's not how you actually feel--in order to appease someone
• Holding back feelings or opinions on a regular basis in order not to make others feel uncomfortable
• Changing your response or opinions to comply or be in synch with others
• Going out of your way to people-please to avoid or diffuse conflict
• Assuming responsibility for others' discomfort when it's not your fault
• Flying under the radar (making yourself small) to avoid getting attention
• Experiencing chronic pain or illness due to the stress of the trauma response
• Spacing out or dissociating when you feel uncomfortable in a social situation

Since the fawn response to trauma is a big topic, I'll continue this discussion in my next article (see my article: Trauma and the Fawn Response: A Clinical Vignette).

Getting Help in Therapy

Unresolved trauma can create anxiety, depression and lack of self confidence as well as other psychological problems.  

It can have a negative impact on your relationships.

Rather than struggling with unresolved trauma on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective For Unresolved Trauma Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Freeing yourself from your history of trauma can help you to have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many people to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Trauma Bonding in Relationships?

Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse. The abuse can be emotional or physical, and trauma bonding occurs when the person who is being abused forms an unhealthy attachment with the abuser (see my articles: How Trauma Affects Relationships).

Trauma Bonding in Relationships

The trauma bond occurs where there's an ongoing pattern of abuse and positive reinforcement so that after each circumstance of abuse, the abuser professes love, regret, tries to make the partner feel safe and the partner trusts the abuser again--until the next reoccurring cycle of abuse and positive reinforcement.

This pattern of abuse followed by positive reinforcement is what makes trauma bonding so confusing the person being abused and so difficult to leave.

The term "trauma bonding" was coined by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.  The term has been compared to "Stockholm Syndrome" where hostages develop an attachment for their captors.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

During trauma bonding, the partner being abused often:

• covers up or makes excuses for the abuser's behavior
• lies to friends and family about the abuse
• doesn't feel comfortable leaving the abusive relationship
• blames him or herself for the abuse

Clinical Vignette: Trauma Bonding in a Relationship

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed, is just one example of what trauma bonding can look like when there is emotional abuse:

Sara

When Sara met John at a friend's party, she was immediately drawn to his good looks and charismatic personality. She told her friends that she felt swept off her feet by all his affection, attention, and romantic gestures as they began dating.  Not only were they spending a lot of time together for two people who just met, but he was calling and texting her several times a day (see my article: 10 Signs You're Being Love Bombed).

Two months later, John moved into Sara's apartment after his lease expired. Everything seemed to be going well at first. But a few weeks after he moved in, John, who was usually complimentary of Sara, told her that he didn't like that she had gained several pounds over the holidays and, as a result, he didn't feel as sexually attracted to her.  

Sara felt hurt by John's comment, but she also wanted very much to appease John, so she began dieting so she could lose weight.  She really wanted their relationship to work out, and she was determined to do whatever she could so John would be attracted to her again.

During that time, they went to dinner with Sara's best friend, Jean, and Jean's boyfriend, Mike.  Sara hadn't eaten all day because she was trying to lose weight so she was hungry. When she ordered a burger, John gave her a look of disapproval and said in front of her friends and the server, "If you want to lose weight, do you really think you should be ordering a burger?" (see my article: Belittling Behavior in Relationships).

Sara blushed. She was so embarrassed she wanted to cry, but she managed to hold back her tears and she ordered a salad instead.  Later on that evening, when Sara and Jean were alone in the ladies room, Jean told Sara that she thought John was being disrespectful towards Sara with his remark.  But Sara brushed it off by saying, "John had a hard week and, anyway, he's just looking out for me."

But when Sara and John got home, she told him, very sheepishly, what Jean said, and he responded with anger, "Your friend is just trying to start trouble between us!" Then, he refused to talk about it anymore (see my articles about: Stonewalling in Relationships and Improve Communication in Your Relationship: Eliminate the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

But the remark at dinner was just the start of John's emotional abuse.  Two months later, Sara saw a text message from woman on John's phone when he left his phone unattended.  When she called the number, she found out from the woman that she and John had been having a sexual affair during the last few months and the dates and times coincided with times that John told Sara he was working late (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

When Sara confronted John, he admitted to the affair, but he blamed Sara for it.  He told her that if she had not gained weight, he wouldn't have felt the need to be with another woman. But when she cried, he took her in his arms, told her that he never loved anyone as much as he loved her and he would never cheat on her again.

Although Sara was deeply hurt by John's infidelity, she blamed herself for not being as attractive and she became even more determined to lose the weight (see my article: A Dangerous Myth: It's a Woman's Responsibility to Keep "Her Man" From Cheating).

After that, John was attentive and affectionate with Sara for a few weeks.  He complimented her after she lost the weight and he lavished her with gifts.  But a few weeks later, Sara discovered that John was cheating on her again with another woman.  

Once again, when she confronted him, he blamed her.  This time he said that she was to blame for not initiating sex.  And, once again, when Sara became upset, John promised he would stop having affairs, and Sara believed him.  She also made an effort to initiate sex more to please him.

As this trauma bonding pattern continued, Sara's self esteem suffered increasingly.  She didn't feel comfortable talking to her friends about how she was feeling because she knew they would tell her to leave John, so she kept her feelings to herself and made excuses whenever her friends invited her out (see my article: A Relationship With a Narcissist Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Self Esteem).

Ever since the time when John criticized Sara at dinner, Jean suspected that John was continuing to be emotionally abusive with Sara--even though Sara denied it.  So, one day, after Sara turned down another invitation from Jean for lunch, Jean went over to see Sara when she knew John was away on a business trip.  

What Jean discovered was even worse than she had anticipated: Sara spent the whole day in bed, undressed, unbathed, just waiting for John's call.  Sara admitted to feeling helpless and hopeless about John's numerous affairs, but she continued to blame herself rather than blame John.

Soon after that, Jean and several of Sara's other close friends went over to see Sara to urge her to get help in therapy.  At first, Sara agreed because she thought the therapist could help her to revive her relationship. But, instead, her therapist explained the concept of trauma bonding to Sara and pointed out the dynamics in Sara's relationship with John.

By that point, Sara had become so emotionally dependent upon John that she refused to see that she was being emotionally abused (see my article: Are You Afraid to Leave an Unhealthy Relationship?).

But, over time, Sara allowed herself to see that she was being mistreated by John.  She also saw the connection between how she was being abused in her relationship with how she was emotionally abused as a child by her father (see my article: Overcoming Childhood Trauma With Experiential Therapy).

The work Sara did in therapy was neither quick nor easy.  Along the way, she had lapses where she blamed herself and she wanted to appease John in hopes of getting him to treat her better.  But whenever she had these lapses, she addressed them in therapy.

John also tried to get Sara to quit therapy because he saw it as a threat to their relationship.  But Sara stuck with therapy, even though it was hard. Eventually, she felt confident enough in herself that she believed she deserved to be treated better, and she ended the relationship.

After she grieved her relationship and when she was ready to date again, Sara worked through the childhood trauma that made her susceptible to trauma bonding and she began dating someone who treated her well.

Conclusion

Trauma bonding can take many forms, including emotional or physical abuse.  It's often difficult to get out of this type of relationship because the person who is being abused often doesn't recognize the abuse because they're in denial about it or they blame themselves for it.

In cases where there is physical abuse, call 911.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have tried to overcome problems on your own without success, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional to help you overcome obstacles to your well being.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the tools and skills you need and work through a history of trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.