What is the Connection Between Secrets and Shame?

Secrets and shame are connected in many ways:

• Shame often drives keeping secrets.

• Keeping secrets creates more shame.

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

• Shame and secret keeping often create an ongoing cycle of:
• Isolation
• Rumination
• Anxiety
  
• Guilt
• Negative self judgment
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Depression
  

How is Keeping Secrets Different From Maintaining Privacy?

While secrecy is often about concealing information due to shame or fear, maintaining privacy is about setting boundaries and choosing what information to share. 

Privacy usually doesn't involve shame or fear (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

A person who maintains privacy limits access to their life in terms of what they want to share, to whom and how much they want to share or not share.

The motivation for maintaining privacy is autonomy and personal space. An example of this is if a young child asks a parent how much money they earn and the parent knows the child can't handle this information in a responsible way, the parent might keep this information private until the child is mature enough to be responsible with it.

A person who maintains secrets is actively hiding something they feel ashamed about. Their motivation is to conceal something, avoid judgment or other negative consequences. An example of this is a husband who keeps a secret from his wife about gambling away his paycheck.

How Do Secrets Affect Relationships?

As previously mentioned, keeping secrets creates shame and shame can create secrets (see my article: Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets?).

• Fear of Being Judged as Having Flaws: People who keep secrets from loved ones often experience fear and shame that their loved ones will see them as flawed if they knew certain things about them. This might include their mental health status, financial struggles, addiction or similar issues.

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

• Inauthentic and Emotionally Distant Relationships: Keeping secrets involves presenting an inauthentic self to loved ones. People who hide certain aspects of their life have to pick and choose what to tell their loved ones and keep track of what they have already told them. These secrets create emotional distance. Over time, as an individual continues to keep secrets, even if the other partner doesn't know what the secrets are, the emotional distance widens to the point where it can damage the relationship beyond repair.

• Betrayal and Mistrust: If the secret is discovered, the partner who discovers the secret feels betrayed and mistrusts for their partner. In many cases, depending upon the secret and the couple involved, a secret can ruin a relationship (see my article: Common Relationship Problems After Infidelity).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical case is a composite of many cases with all personal information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

A big part of Jim's job was frequent travel around the country. He often had secret affairs while he was away and he never told his wife, Linda, about them because he considered them harmless. At the time, his attitude was: What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Jim also liked the way he felt when he was able to attract women and have sex with them (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

During a one week business trip to California, Jim met Tina at a hotel bar and they spent a few nights together. He told Tina he was married and he had no intention of leaving his wife. He said they could have fun together while he was in California, but their time together would never amount to more than that.

The Connection Between Secrecy and Shame

A month later Jim heard from Tina that she was pregnant with his child and she planned to have the baby. He told Tina that he wanted nothing to do with her or the child. He tried to convince her to have an abortion, but she insisted she would have the child. She also told him that, unless he gave her a large sum of money, she would contact his wife and tell her about the child.

Shocked and upset, Jim didn't know what to do. In the past, he had many affairs and there were never any consequences. After getting the call from Tina, he felt angry with himself for not using a condom and believing her that she was on a birth control pill. 

Jim didn't want to hurt Linda. He also feared that Linda would leave him if she found out about the affair and the pregnancy.  He felt deeply ashamed and, after thinking about it, he decided to ignore Tina's calls and keep the secret from Linda.

Although Linda didn't know his secret, she sensed something was off between her and Jim. She asked him numerous times if there was something wrong because she sensed he was emotionally distant from her. 

Jim denied there was anything wrong. Inwardly, his felt increasingly ashamed. He felt so awful that he thought he didn't deserve Linda. He developed anxiety, insomnia and ruminating thoughts about the end of his marriage.

A few months later, when Jim came home, he found Linda sitting on the couch looking very upset. His worst fears were confirmed when Linda told him she received a call from Tina about the affair and the pregnancy.  She told Jim she wanted to know the truth.

After much hesitation, Jim admitted that he had an affair and he heard from Tina that she was pregnant. He said that without a paternity test to confirm the baby was his, he wasn't sure if he was the father, but he feared that the baby might be his.

At Linda's request, Jim moved into a hotel. Linda said she needed time to think about whether she wanted to remain in the marriage. Although he had opportunities to have sexual affairs while he was at the hotel, he felt so depressed that he rejected women who approached him.

A month later, Linda said she wanted to attend couples therapy to see if their relationship could be salvaged. 

During couples therapy Jim admitted to having numerous affairs which he now regretted. He expressed sincere remorse. He also admitted he had been selfish and he now realized he put their relationship at risk. In response, Linda expressed her anger, hurt, disappointment and sense of betrayal.

Soon after that, Jim entered into his own individual therapy to understand the underlying reasons for why he cheated, to make changes and to try to save his marriage. 

Subsequently, a paternity test revealed that Jim wasn't the father of the baby. Linda decided to stay in couples therapy with Jim to see if they could repair their relationship and if she could regain trust in him.  She told him that she wasn't promising him anything but, after investing 20 years in their marriage, she wanted to give it a try (see my article: Rebuilding Trust After an Affair).

Conclusion

Secrets and shame are connected in an ongoing destructive cycle.

Keeping secrets is different from maintaining privacy for the reasons mentioned above.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with secrets, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

Being able to talk about a long-held secret can provide you with a sense of relief. 

Although a psychotherapist can't tell you what to do, she can help you to sort out how the secret has been affecting you and your loved ones so that you can make decisions about what to do and how to change.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States) therapist, Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

Toxic Family Secrets  

Breaking the Code of Silence in a Dysfunctional Family

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness 

Being in the Role of the Affair Partner

What Are the Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater 

When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission

Relationships: How to Rebuild Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

Several years ago I wrote an article about rebuilding trust after a betrayal in a relationship focusing on the person who was betrayed. 

In the current article I'm focusing on how the person who betrayed their partner can try to rebuild trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

How Can You Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship After You Have Betrayed Your Partner?

If you have betrayed your partner and your partner is willing to give you a second chance, be aware that this can be a delicate time in your relationship.

Even if you both want to try to work it out, it might not last. The reason for this is that many couples who try to work on their relationship after a betrayal discover the road to rebuilding trust is harder than they anticipated and they just can't get there.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

If you're sincere and you're both willing to do the work, here are some suggestions that can help:

• Listen to Your Partner Express Their Pain: You need to listen to your partner express the pain you caused them without getting defensive or making excuses. This often involves more than just one conversation, but if you want to regain your partner's trust, you need to be attuned to their pain. Your partner might need time to fully realize the affect of this betrayal, what it meant to them and how they will express it to you. Allow them the time and space to do it.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Acknowledge the Harm You Did and Validate Your Partner's Feelings: After you have listened attentively without getting defensive, be open and honest in acknowledging the pain you caused your partner. Let your partner know you're aware of how much you hurt them.  

• Offer a Sincere Apology: Saying "I'm sorry" once is unlikely to be enough. You might need to express your genuine remorse for your betrayal more than once and over time.

• Be Open to Talk to Your Partner About How the Two of You Got to This Point: It's important that you take responsibility for your actions without any excuses. But it's also important, when the time is right, for the two of you to talk about how you both got to this point in your relationship. If it's too difficult for the two of you to do this on your own, consider couples therapy where a a licensed mental health professional can help you both to have these difficult conversations, work towards healing and begin the process of rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Be Consistent and Dependable: Keep your promises. Maintain whatever commitments you made to your partner. These include both big and small commitments. Be predictable in your behavior--show up when you say you're going to show up and do what you said you would do. You need to demonstrate to your partner that you're trustworthy.

• Communicate Openly and Honestly: Share your thoughts and feelings and be an active listener when your partner communicates with you--even though it might be hard to hear how much pain you caused them.

Rebuilding Trust After You Have Betrayed Your Partner

• Reflect on Your Behavior and How You Need to Change: Examine your behavior and address patterns you need to change.

• Make a Commitment For Positive Change: Be sincere about making positive changes and then show your partner how you're making these changes.

Rebuilding Trust After You Betrayed Your Partner

• Provide Reassurance: In the aftermath of your betrayal, your partner will probably need more reassurance from you than before they discovered the betrayal. So, find ways to show you care. Create an atmosphere of safety so that, over time, your partner can regain trust in you.

• Work on Developing a Better Connection With Your Partner: Create positive shared experiences together to reinforce your bond.

• Be Patient and Allow Time For Healing: Healing after a betrayal is a process and the process can't be put on a timetable. There is no quick fix. Once trust has been broken, it takes time to heal and everyone heals in their own time.

What If You and Your Partner Discover Your Relationship is Beyond Repair?

As mentioned above, it's not always possible to rebuild trust--even when both people really try.

There are times when both people make a genuine effort to rebuild trust, but in the process they discover they have reached an impasse. 

Your Relationship Might Be Beyond Repair

For instance, your partner might realize they really can't overcome their hurt and resentment or you might realize you're not willing or able to make the necessary changes needed to rebuild trust.

At that point, you should both attempt to separate in a way that doesn't cause any additional pain.

Once you have decided to end the relationship, be clear about boundaries.

Take Time to Grieve

Take time to grieve the end of the relationship. 

Practice self care. 

Seek emotional support from people close to you.

Consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional to help you heal.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work Therapist (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article:

What Do You Consider Cheating?

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Many couples don't agree about what constitutes cheating, which can lead to arguments and conflicts.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

What Do You and Your Partner Consider Cheating?

Different types of relationships have different understandings about boundaries when it comes to what they consider cheating. 

In many relationships, people don't discuss what each of them believes is cheating until they encounter a situation which has the potential for conflict.

In consensual nonmonogamous relationships, couples often have a relationship agreement about what constitutes boundary violations when it comes to cheating. For instance, a couple might agree that when one of them travels out of town, they can have sex with other partners, but they can't have sex with others when they're in town (see my article: Nonmonogamy: Avoiding the Pitfalls of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell").

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Their agreement might include how often they can have sex with a particular partner or what types of sex they can or can't have with others. 

Generally speaking, most people consider cheating to be behavior that violates the agreed-upon boundaries of a monogamous relationship including romantic and/or sexual behavior. 

This can include physical and emotional infidelity in person or online (see my article: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).

Here are some examples of cheating that couples often talk about in couples therapy and sex therapy:

• Physical Cheating: This includes sexual acts outside the relationship that a couple hasn't agreed to as part of their relationship agreement (see my article: The Benefits of Having a Relationship Agreement).

• Emotional Cheating: This often involves a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship without the partner's consent: Sharing thoughts and emotions, confiding problems or relying on emotional support that would usually be reserved for a partner.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

• Sexting or Online Affairs: Sending sexts or having online affairs with someone other than a partner.

• Flirting: Many people consider flirting, even casual flirting, outside the relationship to be cheating.

• Watching Porn: Many people would consider watching porn to be a form of cheating, especially if a partner lies about it. This often reflects deeper problems in the relationship (see my article: What is Ethical Porn?).

How to Establish Clear Boundaries About Cheating in Your Relationship

• Negotiate and Establish Clear Agreed-upon Boundaries About Cheating: This is essential in any relationship, especially since you and your partner might not agree about what type of behavior constitutes cheating (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Have Open and Honest Communication About Cheating: Open and honest communication can help to avoid problems in the long run about different ideas about cheating and how they define cheating (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Get Help in Couples Therapy or Sex Therapy: If you and your partner are unable to communicate openly without getting into conflicts, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples or sex therapist. An experience couples/sex therapist can help you to negotiate your differences so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

I introduced the topic of infidelity in my prior article, Common Relationship Problems After Infidelity by using two composite vignettes. 

Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

In the current article, I'll continue to focus on these two vignettes and show how couples sex therapy can help.

Clinical Vignettes

The following composite vignettes were discussed in my prior article:

Maria and Sal: A Relationship With a Monogamous Agreement

Recap From the Prior Article: 

Maria found out that Sal was cheating on her with another woman after she found his sext messages. Initially, Sal denied he was cheating but, eventually, he admitted it but he said the other woman "meant nothing" to him.  But he agreed to stop seeing the other woman. Both of them agreed to put the matter behind them and "move on." After that, their sex life became much more passionate than it had been in years, but that only lasted a short time. And, despite their agreement to "move on", Maria became highly suspicious of Sal's behavior and even his thoughts.  As a result, they stopped having sex altogether and they didn't know how to repair their relationship.

Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

Couples/Sex Therapy for Maria and Sal:

When they couldn't repair their relationship on their own, they sought help in couples sex therapy (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples and What is Sex Therapy?).

The couples sex therapist told them that a lot of couples want to avoid the difficult stage of repairing their relationship so they decide to "move on" to avoid difficult emotions. She told them this is a common mistake and to achieve a lasting reconciliation, they couldn't avoid dealing with their emotions.

During couples sex therapy Maria learned how to communicate her hurt and pain and Sal learned how to respond in an empathetic way and to express his genuine remorse. The therapist normalized that, even with couples who want to stay together, their relationship doesn't improve overnight. 

Maria admitted that, after she found out Sal was cheating, she wanted to prove to Sal and to herself that she could be just as sexy and passionate as she imagined the other woman had been. But this stage didn't last long because her anger, resentment and suspicion grew and she felt even more resentful when she thought that Sal might think "everything was okay" just because she was having sex with him.

The therapist also told Sal that, if he wanted Maria to forgive him (and not just brush their problems under the rug), he needed to understand her upset and be accountable to her--even if the reconciliation didn't happen as quickly as he would like. 

They worked on improving communication and rebuilding trust, which was especially difficult for Maria because she realized, once she allowed herself to feel the emotions she had been suppressing, she was hurt and angry (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After Infidelity).

Over time, they both realized that, even though Sal sought Maria's forgiveness and Maria wanted to forgive him, forgiveness isn't a one-and-done process--it comes in stages from surface to depth (see my article: Stages of Forgiveness).

As Maria healed emotionally and began to rebuild trust in Sal, she was open to trying to have sex with him again. At first, there were times during sex when she thought about Sal being with the other woman and she became so upset that she had to stop.

Over time, Maria and Sal accepted that, due to the betrayal, they wouldn't be able to "go back" to the same relationship they had before. They realized they needed to mourn the relationship they had before and develop the next phase of their new relationship. Along the way, there were setbacks, but they continued to make progress (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy While You're on the Road to Healing).

Bob and John: A Relationship With a Consensual Nonmonogamous Agreement

Recap from the Prior Article:

Bob and John were in a long term consensually nonmonogamous relationship when Bob found out that John had gone against their agreement by getting emotionally involved with another man (their agreement was that they could have casual sex with other people but not see them more than once to avoid forming emotional ties). John admitted he broke their agreement. He told Bob he never meant to hurt him. He also told him that he wanted to remain in their relationship, but he also wanted to continue to see the other man.  Bob was so hurt that, even though he didn't want to end his relationship with John, he knew it would be excruciating for him if John continued to be emotionally involved with the other man. So, he distanced himself emotionally and sexually from John. Both of them felt stuck and they didn't know what to do.

Rebuilding Relationships After Infidelity

Couples Sex Therapy for Bob and John:

Since they were at an impasse, they decided to seek help from a couples sex therapist.

As John took responsibility for cheating, he realized that he would need to make a painful decision after Bob gave him an ultimatum: Either John would choose to work on their relationship or, if John wanted to continue to see the other man, they would breakup.  

After considering Bob's ultimatum, John chose to work on their relationship and he ended his relationship with the other man. He said he realized he didn't want to lose Bob and that their relationship was the most important relationship in his life.

Similar to Maria and Sal, they had to go through many of the same steps to try to repair their relationship--improving communication and rebuilding trust.

During the early stage of couples sex therapy, they agreed not to see other people until they repaired their relationship. Bob was also fearful that, if they did open their relationship again to have casual sex with others, he wouldn't be able to trust John.

Bob and John worked hard in therapy to rebuild their relationship over time. Gradually, Bob believed John had a deep sense of remorse for his betrayal. John also admitted he had been selfish to cheat on Bob.

The first few times they tried to have sex, Bob got distracted with thoughts about John being with the other man. During those times, Bob had to stop and he turned away from John. He couldn't help feeling insecure in terms of what the other man's body looked like compared to him.  

They were able to talk about it in their couples sex therapy and, over time, John learned to stay focused on remaining emotionally and sexually engaged with John instead of focusing on thoughts about John being with the other man.

When they had rebuilt their trust, which took time, they talked about their consensual nonmonogamous agreement in light of John's cheating and reiterated that they would only have casual sex with others and refrain from having sex with the same partner more than once to avoid developing emotional attachments.

Conclusion

Infidelity can occur in any type of relationship--regardless of whether you and your partner have agreed to be in a monogamous or consensual nonmonogamous relationship.  

If the partners decide to remain together, they need to go through the repair process without skipping or avoiding steps.

Couples sex therapy can help people in relationships to heal and develop the next phase of their relationship.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

Couples sex therapy is therapy for people in a relationship where they're having emotional and sexual problems--whether it's about infidelity, differences in libido, communication problems or other relational and/or sexual problems.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a dynamic that isn't working, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise with the problem you're having.

The best chance for success in couples sex therapy involves seeking help sooner rather than  later.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Common Relationship Problems After Infidelity

I have written several articles about infidelity in the past (see the links for these articles throughout and at the end of this article).

In the current article I'm discussing on some of the most common problems people in relationships experience after infidelity.

In the next article, I'll discuss steps to repair emotional and sexual intimacy.

Repairing Intimacy After Infidelity

What Are the Most Common Relationships Problems After Infidelity?

Different people will face a variety of problems after infidelity  (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Here are some of the most common problems:

• Lack of Trust: Lack of trust can include the betrayed partner questioning their other partner's behavior, thoughts and feelings even when the partner who cheated tries to assure them that they are no longer cheating (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After Infidelity).

• Feeling Devastated: After infidelity is discovered, the betrayed partner can feel emotionally devastated including feeling sad, angry, resentful, ashamed, humiliated, confused, self blaming, powerless, "not good enough" and questioning their desirability. The partner who cheated can also feel emotionally devastated with guilt, shame, sadness, regret, and fear of losing their partner.

Feeling Emotionally Devastated After Infidelity

• Barriers to Communication: It's common for both people to have problems communicating with each other after an affair. Both people can have problems expressing their feelings to each other.

• Struggling With Uncertainty About the Relationship: Even if both people want to repair the relationship, they might also be struggling with uncertainty as to whether or not the relationship can be repaired and, if it can, what the relationship would look like in the future (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

• Struggling With How to Begin the Healing Process: Emotional healing can be a challenge for both people. The betrayed partner might not know how to begin the individual healing process--even after they have decided to try to repair the relationship. The partner who cheated also might not know how to heal especially if they feel they don't deserve to heal because they cheated and caused their partner pain.

• Struggling With Forgiveness: Forgiveness involves more than just the partner who cheated saying "I'm sorry" and the betrayed partner saying "I forgive you" (see my article: Stages of Forgiveness).

Struggling With Forgiveness After Infidelity

• Rebuilding Emotional and Sexual Intimacy: People often struggle with how to rebuild emotional and sexual intimacy after an affair. This is especially challenging if they have waited a while to seek help and they have fallen into a pattern of emotional and sexual  disconnection.  Even if a couple has resumed having sex, they can't assume this means the relationship has been repaired if they haven't gone through the repair process. When couples don't go through that process, there are often unspoken emotions that come to the surface in many different ways (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Clinical Vignettes:

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrate some of the common problems people experience after infidelity:

A Relationship With a Monogamous Agreement

    Maria and Sal:

Maria and Sal were married for 10 years when she discovered sexts from another woman on Sal's phone. At first, Sal tried to dismiss Maria's concerns by telling her these sexts didn't mean anything, which served to upset Maria even more because she felt Sal was dismissing her feelings and minimizing the problem.

Sexting and Infidelity

When he realized how distraught Maria felt, Sal took responsibility and admitted he had been having a sexual affair online and in person with another woman for several months. At that point, Maria told Sal that, although she was deeply hurt and angry, she didn't want to end their marriage especially since they had two young children. 

After Sal agreed to end the affair and never have contact with the other woman again, both Maria and Sal agreed to "put it all behind" them and "move on." 

At first, this was a relief to both of them, but over time they realized Maria was having problems trusting Sal. She was suspicious about every text he received and insisted on monitoring his phone. She also didn't believe him when he had to go on a business trip. In addition, she repeatedly demanded to know if Sal was thinking about the other woman and, when he said he wasn't, she didn't believe him.

Initially, after they agreed to remain together, their sex life became more passionate. Maria wanted to prove to Sal and to herself that she was sexually desirable and Sal wanted to prove to Maria that he found her desirable. But after a few weeks, their sexual passion began to wane because of the trust issues--until they stopped having sex altogether (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

They didn't know how to talk to each other about these problems or where to begin to repair their problems with emotional and sexual intimacy.

A Relationships With a Consensual Nonmonogamous Agreement

    Bob and John

Bob and John were in a long term consensually nonmonogamous relationship (CNM). Their agreement was their relationship was primary. They also agreed they could have sex with other people, but neither of them would get emotionally involved with anyone else. 

In order to decrease the possibility of developing emotional ties with other men, part of their agreement was that they would only have sex with another person once and then never have contact with that man again.

Initially, they agreed they would have a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement where they could have sex with others, but they wouldn't let each other know about it. 

But, over time, this didn't work for them because they felt the secrecy was harming their relationship. So, they revised their CNM agreement so that they would talk about it before they got sexually involved with others (see my article: What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in Relationships?).

Their revised agreement seemed to be working out well--until Bob found out from his friend that John was having a long term affair with another man.

Infidelity Can Occur in Consensually Nonmonogamous Relationships

When Bob confronted John, he told him he couldn't believe John went against their CNM agreement. He was hurt and angry.

John admitted he broke their agreement, but he never meant to hurt Bob.  He also told Bob he wasn't sure if he wanted to stop seeing the other man--even though he knew this would cause John a lot of pain.

Both of them wanted to remain together, but Bob knew he couldn't tolerate John having an emotional attachment to another man.

After Bob found out about John's involvement with another man, he distanced himself from John emotionally and sexually.

They both felt stuck and they didn't know how to deal with their problem.

Next Article

In my next article, I'll continue discussing these two vignettes and how couples/sex therapy can help.

Conclusion

Emotional and sexual intimacy are often negatively affected after infidelity.

Many people want to remain in their relationship, but they don't know how to move forward.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

If you're having problems repairing intimacy in your relationship after infidelity, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

Most couples therapists have no training in sex therapy, so they might be able to help couples to repair emotionally, but they don't have the skills to help them repair sexually.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples/sex therapy so you can repair emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Other Articles:

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?

What is Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?