What is the Connection Between Secrets and Shame?

Secrets and shame are connected in many ways:

• Shame often drives keeping secrets.

• Keeping secrets creates more shame.

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

• Shame and secret keeping often create an ongoing cycle of:
• Isolation
• Rumination
• Anxiety
  
• Guilt
• Negative self judgment
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Depression
  

How is Keeping Secrets Different From Maintaining Privacy?

While secrecy is often about concealing information due to shame or fear, maintaining privacy is about setting boundaries and choosing what information to share. 

Privacy usually doesn't involve shame or fear (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

A person who maintains privacy limits access to their life in terms of what they want to share, to whom and how much they want to share or not share.

The motivation for maintaining privacy is autonomy and personal space. An example of this is if a young child asks a parent how much money they earn and the parent knows the child can't handle this information in a responsible way, the parent might keep this information private until the child is mature enough to be responsible with it.

A person who maintains secrets is actively hiding something they feel ashamed about. Their motivation is to conceal something, avoid judgment or other negative consequences. An example of this is a husband who keeps a secret from his wife about gambling away his paycheck.

How Do Secrets Affect Relationships?

As previously mentioned, keeping secrets creates shame and shame can create secrets (see my article: Why Do People in Relationships Keep Secrets?).

• Fear of Being Judged as Having Flaws: People who keep secrets from loved ones often experience fear and shame that their loved ones will see them as flawed if they knew certain things about them. This might include their mental health status, financial struggles, addiction or similar issues.

The Connection Between Secrets and Shame

• Inauthentic and Emotionally Distant Relationships: Keeping secrets involves presenting an inauthentic self to loved ones. People who hide certain aspects of their life have to pick and choose what to tell their loved ones and keep track of what they have already told them. These secrets create emotional distance. Over time, as an individual continues to keep secrets, even if the other partner doesn't know what the secrets are, the emotional distance widens to the point where it can damage the relationship beyond repair.

• Betrayal and Mistrust: If the secret is discovered, the partner who discovers the secret feels betrayed and mistrusts for their partner. In many cases, depending upon the secret and the couple involved, a secret can ruin a relationship (see my article: Common Relationship Problems After Infidelity).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical case is a composite of many cases with all personal information changed to protect confidentiality:

Jim

A big part of Jim's job was frequent travel around the country. He often had secret affairs while he was away and he never told his wife, Linda, about them because he considered them harmless. At the time, his attitude was: What she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Jim also liked the way he felt when he was able to attract women and have sex with them (see my article: The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

During a one week business trip to California, Jim met Tina at a hotel bar and they spent a few nights together. He told Tina he was married and he had no intention of leaving his wife. He said they could have fun together while he was in California, but their time together would never amount to more than that.

The Connection Between Secrecy and Shame

A month later Jim heard from Tina that she was pregnant with his child and she planned to have the baby. He told Tina that he wanted nothing to do with her or the child. He tried to convince her to have an abortion, but she insisted she would have the child. She also told him that, unless he gave her a large sum of money, she would contact his wife and tell her about the child.

Shocked and upset, Jim didn't know what to do. In the past, he had many affairs and there were never any consequences. After getting the call from Tina, he felt angry with himself for not using a condom and believing her that she was on a birth control pill. 

Jim didn't want to hurt Linda. He also feared that Linda would leave him if she found out about the affair and the pregnancy.  He felt deeply ashamed and, after thinking about it, he decided to ignore Tina's calls and keep the secret from Linda.

Although Linda didn't know his secret, she sensed something was off between her and Jim. She asked him numerous times if there was something wrong because she sensed he was emotionally distant from her. 

Jim denied there was anything wrong. Inwardly, his felt increasingly ashamed. He felt so awful that he thought he didn't deserve Linda. He developed anxiety, insomnia and ruminating thoughts about the end of his marriage.

A few months later, when Jim came home, he found Linda sitting on the couch looking very upset. His worst fears were confirmed when Linda told him she received a call from Tina about the affair and the pregnancy.  She told Jim she wanted to know the truth.

After much hesitation, Jim admitted that he had an affair and he heard from Tina that she was pregnant. He said that without a paternity test to confirm the baby was his, he wasn't sure if he was the father, but he feared that the baby might be his.

At Linda's request, Jim moved into a hotel. Linda said she needed time to think about whether she wanted to remain in the marriage. Although he had opportunities to have sexual affairs while he was at the hotel, he felt so depressed that he rejected women who approached him.

A month later, Linda said she wanted to attend couples therapy to see if their relationship could be salvaged. 

During couples therapy Jim admitted to having numerous affairs which he now regretted. He expressed sincere remorse. He also admitted he had been selfish and he now realized he put their relationship at risk. In response, Linda expressed her anger, hurt, disappointment and sense of betrayal.

Soon after that, Jim entered into his own individual therapy to understand the underlying reasons for why he cheated, to make changes and to try to save his marriage. 

Subsequently, a paternity test revealed that Jim wasn't the father of the baby. Linda decided to stay in couples therapy with Jim to see if they could repair their relationship and if she could regain trust in him.  She told him that she wasn't promising him anything but, after investing 20 years in their marriage, she wanted to give it a try (see my article: Rebuilding Trust After an Affair).

Conclusion

Secrets and shame are connected in an ongoing destructive cycle.

Keeping secrets is different from maintaining privacy for the reasons mentioned above.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling with secrets, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

Being able to talk about a long-held secret can provide you with a sense of relief. 

Although a psychotherapist can't tell you what to do, she can help you to sort out how the secret has been affecting you and your loved ones so that you can make decisions about what to do and how to change.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States) therapist, Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship

Toxic Family Secrets  

Breaking the Code of Silence in a Dysfunctional Family

The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness 

Being in the Role of the Affair Partner

What Are the Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater 

When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Many couples don't agree about what constitutes cheating, which can lead to arguments and conflicts.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

What Do You and Your Partner Consider Cheating?

Different types of relationships have different understandings about boundaries when it comes to what they consider cheating. 

In many relationships, people don't discuss what each of them believes is cheating until they encounter a situation which has the potential for conflict.

In consensual nonmonogamous relationships, couples often have a relationship agreement about what constitutes boundary violations when it comes to cheating. For instance, a couple might agree that when one of them travels out of town, they can have sex with other partners, but they can't have sex with others when they're in town (see my article: Nonmonogamy: Avoiding the Pitfalls of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell").

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

Their agreement might include how often they can have sex with a particular partner or what types of sex they can or can't have with others. 

Generally speaking, most people consider cheating to be behavior that violates the agreed-upon boundaries of a monogamous relationship including romantic and/or sexual behavior. 

This can include physical and emotional infidelity in person or online (see my article: Are You Having an Emotional Affair?).

Here are some examples of cheating that couples often talk about in couples therapy and sex therapy:

• Physical Cheating: This includes sexual acts outside the relationship that a couple hasn't agreed to as part of their relationship agreement (see my article: The Benefits of Having a Relationship Agreement).

• Emotional Cheating: This often involves a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship without the partner's consent: Sharing thoughts and emotions, confiding problems or relying on emotional support that would usually be reserved for a partner.

Relationships: What Do You Consider Cheating?

• Sexting or Online Affairs: Sending sexts or having online affairs with someone other than a partner.

• Flirting: Many people consider flirting, even casual flirting, outside the relationship to be cheating.

• Watching Porn: Many people would consider watching porn to be a form of cheating, especially if a partner lies about it. This often reflects deeper problems in the relationship (see my article: What is Ethical Porn?).

How to Establish Clear Boundaries About Cheating in Your Relationship

• Negotiate and Establish Clear Agreed-upon Boundaries About Cheating: This is essential in any relationship, especially since you and your partner might not agree about what type of behavior constitutes cheating (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Have Open and Honest Communication About Cheating: Open and honest communication can help to avoid problems in the long run about different ideas about cheating and how they define cheating (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Get Help in Couples Therapy or Sex Therapy: If you and your partner are unable to communicate openly without getting into conflicts, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples or sex therapist. An experience couples/sex therapist can help you to negotiate your differences so you can have a more fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Your Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Common Relationship Problems After Infidelity

I have written several articles about infidelity in the past (see the links for these articles throughout and at the end of this article).

In the current article I'm discussing on some of the most common problems people in relationships experience after infidelity.

In the next article, I'll discuss steps to repair emotional and sexual intimacy.

Repairing Intimacy After Infidelity

What Are the Most Common Relationships Problems After Infidelity?

Different people will face a variety of problems after infidelity  (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Here are some of the most common problems:

• Lack of Trust: Lack of trust can include the betrayed partner questioning their other partner's behavior, thoughts and feelings even when the partner who cheated tries to assure them that they are no longer cheating (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After Infidelity).

• Feeling Devastated: After infidelity is discovered, the betrayed partner can feel emotionally devastated including feeling sad, angry, resentful, ashamed, humiliated, confused, self blaming, powerless, "not good enough" and questioning their desirability. The partner who cheated can also feel emotionally devastated with guilt, shame, sadness, regret, and fear of losing their partner.

Feeling Emotionally Devastated After Infidelity

• Barriers to Communication: It's common for both people to have problems communicating with each other after an affair. Both people can have problems expressing their feelings to each other.

• Struggling With Uncertainty About the Relationship: Even if both people want to repair the relationship, they might also be struggling with uncertainty as to whether or not the relationship can be repaired and, if it can, what the relationship would look like in the future (see my article: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

• Struggling With How to Begin the Healing Process: Emotional healing can be a challenge for both people. The betrayed partner might not know how to begin the individual healing process--even after they have decided to try to repair the relationship. The partner who cheated also might not know how to heal especially if they feel they don't deserve to heal because they cheated and caused their partner pain.

• Struggling With Forgiveness: Forgiveness involves more than just the partner who cheated saying "I'm sorry" and the betrayed partner saying "I forgive you" (see my article: Stages of Forgiveness).

Struggling With Forgiveness After Infidelity

• Rebuilding Emotional and Sexual Intimacy: People often struggle with how to rebuild emotional and sexual intimacy after an affair. This is especially challenging if they have waited a while to seek help and they have fallen into a pattern of emotional and sexual  disconnection.  Even if a couple has resumed having sex, they can't assume this means the relationship has been repaired if they haven't gone through the repair process. When couples don't go through that process, there are often unspoken emotions that come to the surface in many different ways (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

Clinical Vignettes:

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites of many different cases to protect confidentiality, illustrate some of the common problems people experience after infidelity:

A Relationship With a Monogamous Agreement

    Maria and Sal:

Maria and Sal were married for 10 years when she discovered sexts from another woman on Sal's phone. At first, Sal tried to dismiss Maria's concerns by telling her these sexts didn't mean anything, which served to upset Maria even more because she felt Sal was dismissing her feelings and minimizing the problem.

Sexting and Infidelity

When he realized how distraught Maria felt, Sal took responsibility and admitted he had been having a sexual affair online and in person with another woman for several months. At that point, Maria told Sal that, although she was deeply hurt and angry, she didn't want to end their marriage especially since they had two young children. 

After Sal agreed to end the affair and never have contact with the other woman again, both Maria and Sal agreed to "put it all behind" them and "move on." 

At first, this was a relief to both of them, but over time they realized Maria was having problems trusting Sal. She was suspicious about every text he received and insisted on monitoring his phone. She also didn't believe him when he had to go on a business trip. In addition, she repeatedly demanded to know if Sal was thinking about the other woman and, when he said he wasn't, she didn't believe him.

Initially, after they agreed to remain together, their sex life became more passionate. Maria wanted to prove to Sal and to herself that she was sexually desirable and Sal wanted to prove to Maria that he found her desirable. But after a few weeks, their sexual passion began to wane because of the trust issues--until they stopped having sex altogether (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

They didn't know how to talk to each other about these problems or where to begin to repair their problems with emotional and sexual intimacy.

A Relationships With a Consensual Nonmonogamous Agreement

    Bob and John

Bob and John were in a long term consensually nonmonogamous relationship (CNM). Their agreement was their relationship was primary. They also agreed they could have sex with other people, but neither of them would get emotionally involved with anyone else. 

In order to decrease the possibility of developing emotional ties with other men, part of their agreement was that they would only have sex with another person once and then never have contact with that man again.

Initially, they agreed they would have a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement where they could have sex with others, but they wouldn't let each other know about it. 

But, over time, this didn't work for them because they felt the secrecy was harming their relationship. So, they revised their CNM agreement so that they would talk about it before they got sexually involved with others (see my article: What's the Difference Between Privacy and Secrecy in Relationships?).

Their revised agreement seemed to be working out well--until Bob found out from his friend that John was having a long term affair with another man.

Infidelity Can Occur in Consensually Nonmonogamous Relationships

When Bob confronted John, he told him he couldn't believe John went against their CNM agreement. He was hurt and angry.

John admitted he broke their agreement, but he never meant to hurt Bob.  He also told Bob he wasn't sure if he wanted to stop seeing the other man--even though he knew this would cause John a lot of pain.

Both of them wanted to remain together, but Bob knew he couldn't tolerate John having an emotional attachment to another man.

After Bob found out about John's involvement with another man, he distanced himself from John emotionally and sexually.

They both felt stuck and they didn't know how to deal with their problem.

Next Article

In my next article, I'll continue discussing these two vignettes and how couples/sex therapy can help.

Conclusion

Emotional and sexual intimacy are often negatively affected after infidelity.

Many people want to remain in their relationship, but they don't know how to move forward.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

If you're having problems repairing intimacy in your relationship after infidelity, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist.

Getting Help in Couples/Sex Therapy

Most couples therapists have no training in sex therapy, so they might be able to help couples to repair emotionally, but they don't have the skills to help them repair sexually.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples/sex therapy so you can repair emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Other Articles:

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?

What is Sex Therapy?

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

Attachment trauma, which involves attachment wounds, can occur at any time of life. 

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy 

Attachment trauma often occurs when there are significant disruptions in close relationships.

Examples of Attachment Wounds Which Are Part of Attachment Trauma

Attachment wounds include but are not limited to:

• Early loss or abandonment in childhood

• Death of a parent in childhood

• Lack of affection during childhood

• Being separated during infancy or any time in childhood from parents or primary caregivers

• Physical or emotional abuse, childhood emotional neglect or sexual abuse

• A caregiver who is the source of overwhelming emotional distress for a child

• Infidelity in a relationship including extramarital affairs and financial infidelity

• A caregiver who has a substance abuse problem

• A caregiver with mental health issues or who is emotionally unstable

• A caregiver with an anxious, avoidant or disorganized attachment style

• A caregiver with poor emotional, physical or sexual boundaries

• A caregiver who treats a child like a friend (see my article: Why Your Child Can't Be Your Friend)

• A caregiver who is controlling to the point where a child has difficulty individuating (being their own person)

• Divorce in the family during childhood

• Intergenerational trauma

• Betrayal in a romantic relationship, family relationship or friendship

• Lack of support from a partner, spouse or significant other during a significant event or transition

What Are Signs and Symptoms of Attachment Trauma?

The signs and symptoms of attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• A pattern of difficulties in relationships with friends, family members, significant others and work relationships

A Pattern of Difficulties in Relationships

• A tendency to experience humiliation, shame and/or guilt

• Hyper-reactivity to stress (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting)

• Hyperarousal

• A tendency to be anxious, avoidant or disorganized in romantic relationships including healthy relationships (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship)

• Enmeshed relationships with family members, friends or significant others

• Poor interpersonal boundaries 

Mental Health and Substance Abuse Issues Related to Attachment Trauma

Mental health and substance abuse issues related to attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• Depression

• Anxiety
  

• Trauma and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

• Complex trauma

• Alcohol misuse

Attachment Trauma and Alcohol Misuse

• Drug misuse or addiction

• Compulsive gambling

• Overspending

• Overeating

• Out of control sexual behavior (OCSB)
  

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

There are many different types of trauma therapy, which all come under the umbrella of experiential therapy including:

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)

• Parts Work Therapy including Ego States Therapy and Internal Family Systems Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy
  

How Will You Know When You're on the Path to Healing an Attachment Trauma?

There is no quick fix for healing attachment trauma, but Experiential Therapy, like EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work tend to be more effective than regular talk therapy for healing trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Since you might not have experienced emotionally supportive relationships when you were a child, you will probably need time to develop a therapeutic rapport with your trauma therapist, so it's good to be aware of this as you start trauma therapy (see my article: Can You Learn to Trust Your Therapist If You Weren't Able to Trust Your Family?).

Signs that might be part of your path to healing an attachment trauma include but are not limited to:

• You're beginning to respond instead of react to stress

• You're starting to feel safer in your body

• You're getting better at setting boundaries

• You're becoming more aware of when you feel ashamed, guilty or humiliated when there's no objective reason to feel that way

• You're beginning to feel less anxious

• You're becoming aware that your depression is beginning to lift

• You're starting to make healthier choices in relationships

• You're feeling less anxious, avoidant or disorganized in a healthy relationship

• You're cutting back or you have stopped drinking excessively

• You're cutting back or you have stopped misusing drugs

• You're feeling less inclined to gamble compulsively

• You're less inclined to overspend

• You're less inclined to overeat during times of stress 

• You no longer feel comfortable in enmeshed relationships

• You're prioritizing self care

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with attachment trauma, you're not alone.

Healing Attachment Trauma in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Trauma therapy can help you to free yourself from your traumatic past so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Heal From the Pain of Being an Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or "Other Man")

 In my prior articles  Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man"), I discussed some of the common dynamics involved with being the affair partner with information from a podcast called "Reigniting Love" (see my article: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together).

Healing the Pain of Being an Affair Partner

In the current article, I'm focusing on how an affair partner can heal from the painful experience of being in an affair, which is also inspired by a "Reimagining Love" podcast with Dr. Alexandra Solomon.

What About the Betrayed Partner?

Before discussing how an affair partner can heal, I want to address the pain of the betrayed partner, which I have also done in earlier posts.  

There's no doubt that being the betrayed partner, the partner in the primary relationship who is being cheated on, is tremendously painful (see my article: Coping With Infidelity).

Many couples break up when an affair is discovered, but many others stay together to try to repair their relationship, as discussed by relationship and sex therapist Dr. Esther Perel in her book The State of Affairs (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After the Affair).

Discovering your partner is cheating on you is a heartbreaking and traumatic experience filled with sadness, anger, feelings of betrayal and hurt, which I have addressed in prior articles.

So, I just want to emphasize that by focusing on the affair partner in this article, I'm in no way minimizing the pain of the person who was cheated on.  

How the Affair Partner is Affected in an Affair

In addition to addressing the pain of the betrayed partner, it's also important for the person who is the affair partner to heal from an affair that left them feeling lost and confused (see my article: Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The affair partner often experiences many potential painful and confusing emotions, including: 

• The pain of being silent about the affair because the affair is a secret

• Not having anyone to talk to about it, so they must bear their pain alone

• Anxiety and hypervigilance about the possibility of getting caught

• The potential stigma of being labeled a "homewrecker" if the affair is discovered

• A rollercoaster of emotions from highs to lows

• Feeling not good enough or unlovable

• Feeling disempowered because the betraying partner makes the decisions about the affair

• Feeling lonely and sad on birthdays and holidays when the betraying partner is with their spouse or partner 

• Re-experiencing old childhood emotional wounds that get triggered by the affair

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• Stepping away from the affair, as hard as it might be, is essential to the affair partner figuring out what they want in terms of a relationship. This will also give the betraying partner time to decide what to do about their primary relationship and, if they leave, give them time to grieve and heal before resuming the relationship with the affair partner.

• This will allow the affair partner time to heal and get back into alignment with their values.

• This will also allow the affair partner to feel whole and not stand in the shadows of an affair.

• When the affair partner steps away, this should not be used as an ultimatum to get the betraying partner to leave their relationship.

Healing the Pain of Being the Affair Partner

• The affair partner needs to stand firm with their boundaries. The dynamics of the primary relationship will change once the affair partner is no longer providing the betraying partner with whatever they found missing in their relationship. This will interrupt the homeostasis that the affair partner provided to the primary relationship.  The change could occur either way--either the couple in the primary relationship will work on making their relationship stronger (most couples who experience infidelity opt to repair the relationship because they have invested so much in the relationship) or they will break up.

• The affair partner needs to be aware they don't have a role in the betraying partner's healing. The betraying partner needs to heal without the affair partner.

• The affair partner can write a letter to themself about what happened. This can help them to make sense of what happened and also to serve as a reminder if they're tempted to go back to the betraying partner before the situation in the primary relationship is resolved and the betraying partner has time to heal.  This letter could include:

• What might have happened in the affair partner's early family history that contributed to being in the affair?

• Why did they step away from the affair?

• Express self compassion in the letter to themself with the understanding they might not have had the necessary skills to do anything different when they entered into the affair. Self compassion will allow the affair partner to grieve, which is essential to healing. Shame, defiance and minimization will get in the way of grieving and healing.

• Get help in therapy to heal from the affair and work through whatever unresolved childhood emotional trauma remain.

Get Help in Therapy to Heal

Being an affair partner can be a lonely and traumatizing struggle.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist.

Healing from the pain of being an affair partner can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article:  What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Jospehine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Being in the Role of the Affair Partner (Also Known As the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man")

On a recent "Reimagining Love" podcast called "When You're the Affair Partner," podcast host Dr. Alexandra Solomon focused on affair partners, also known as the "other woman" or the "other man" (see my articles: How the "Other Woman" or "Other Man" in an Affair Can Keep the Primary Relationship Together and Leading a Double Life as the "Other Woman" or the "Other Man" in an Affair).

The Role of the Affair Partner

In her discussion she distinguished these nonconsensual nonmonogamous relationships from consensual nonmonogamous relationships where all parties involved know about and consent to nonmonogamy.

This was a compassionate discussion about being in the role of the affair partner, how being in this role affects the affair partner as well as the betraying partner (the person cheating) and the betrayed partner (the person being cheated on).

How Does the Affair Partner Make Sense of Their Role in the Affair?

She explained the role of cognitive dissonance in getting into, remaining and making sense of being part of an affair by providing examples of internal messages the affair partner might give themselves.

The Affair Partner and Cognitive Dissonance

As I discussed in a prior article, cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior.

The internal messages an affair partner might give themself to make sense of being part of an affair and assuage guilt might be:

• "I'm single. I'm not cheating." or

• "I'm not responsible for their unhappy marriage."

Dr. Solomon addressed these internal messages in a nonjudgmental way by saying that although the affair partner isn't responsible for the couple's marriage, they're still participating in it and, even if the betrayed partner doesn't know the affair partner, the affair partner is part of the primary couple's triangle so, in that sense, the affair partner is in a relationship with both the betraying and betrayed partners.

How Can the Affair Partner Get Curious About Their Cognitive Dissonance?

Throughout the podcast, Dr. Solomon recommended that, in order to understand their cognitive dissonance, the affair partner can go beyond thinking about the affair in terms of right and wrong by getting curious about it and asking themselves:

• What set me up to be okay with the affair?

• What am I continuing to do to make it okay for myself?

• Where can I go from here?

What is the Affair Partner Ignoring or Overriding Internally?

These might include internal messages such as:

• It's not a big deal.
• I'm not doing anything wrong.

What the Affair Partner Already Knows But Might Be Ignoring

• Keeping a Narrow Focus: This is a coping mechanism that keeps the affair partner from seeing the whole picture. By keeping the focus narrow, the affair partner keeps the focus on the affair and not on the primary relationship/marriage. This helps to reduce guilt and shame, but it comes as the expense of being aware of the entire situation.

• Having a Wide Focus Instead: Instead of having a narrow focus, Dr. Solomon recommends widening the lens to take in the whole situation, which is essential for a healthy relationship.

How Does the Affair Partner Reduce Empathy?

By reducing empathy for the betrayed partner, the affair partner cuts off their awareness of how the affair is affecting the betrayed partner.

Dr. Solomon suggests that the affair partner asks the following questions:

• What am I telling myself about the betrayed partner to maintain cognitive dissonance?

• Do I tell myself that the betrayed partner is mean? Checked out? Or a sucker?

According to Dr. Solomon, by reducing empathy, the affair partner is shrinking the betrayed partner.  She suggests that the affair partner ask themself: What price am I paying for reducing empathy?

What is the Emotional Impact of Participating in a Relationship That is Duplicitous?

Questions to Consider:

• Can I stand in my integrity while being in a duplicitous relationship?

The Role of the Affair Partner

• What am I telling myself about my integrity?

• Am I compromising my experience of wholeness?

• How is duplicity creeping into other areas of my life?

What is the Internal Message Regarding Self Worth?

Questions to Consider:

• Am I telling myself I only deserve crumbs and not a full relationship?

• What am I telling myself about my own worthiness?

• Is this related to my early personal history in my family of origin? (more about this below)

• How might being in an affair reinforce the belief that I only deserve crumbs?

What Drew the Affair Partner to the Affair?

Dr. Solomon names three factors which will be explained below:

• 1. Goodness of Fit

• 2. Object of Desire Self Consciousness

• 3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

1. Goodness of Fit

Goodness of fit refers to what the affair partner was available for at the point in their life when they started the affair.

This might include:

• Boundary Issues: Micro-boundary crossings at the beginning of the affair

• Past Relationship: Coming out of a past relationship where there was infidelity and the current affair partner was the betrayed partner in the prior relationship.  This could involve what Freud termed "repetition compulsion" where this person is now repeating the infidelity but this time they're the affair partner instead of the betrayed partner.  This choice, which is often unconscious, is an attempt to master the past affair which was confusing and upsetting.

• Romantic or Erotic Connection: An affair has what Dr. Jack Morin, Ph.D., sex therapist and resarcher, called the Erotic Equation which is made up of attraction plus obstacles. The erotic attraction is super-charged in an affair.  The erotic connection is also paired with danger (i.e., the danger of getting caught). 

• At a Particular Point in the Affair Partner's Life: The affair partner might not be ready for a relationship that requires a commitment and responsibilities at the point in their life when they're having an affair.

2. Object of Desire Self-Consciousness: This term was discussed by Dr. Anthony Bogaert and Dr. Lori Brotto in their paper, "Object of Desire Self-Consciousness" (ODSC) in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy:

• ODSC is the perception that someone is romantically and sexually desirable in another person's eyes.  

• This is a gendered construct of a cisgender heterosexual man and a cisgender heterosexual woman with the woman being the ODSC. But it can apply to any gender or sexual orientation, This is usually a part of the woman's erotic template. 

• The idea is that the man, who is in a primary relationship with a spouse or romantic partner, wants the other woman so badly that he's willing to risk his relationship, his reputation and everything else that's at stake to be with the woman who is the affair partner. 

• This risky behavior on the part of the betraying partner spikes the libido for the affair partner because she feels so desirable. 

• The affair partner only knows the story of the primary relationship from the betraying partner's perspective. 

• The story provided by the betraying partner usually serves to help reduce the betraying partner's cognitive dissonance so they will feel less guilty about the affair. 

• This is often a skewed or false version compared to the real story. 

• The betraying partner might also provide no story and act as if he's not in an affair, which would make it confusing for the affair partner in terms of the affair partner trying to make meaning of the affair.

3. Redoing a Childhood Wound

The affair partner might have unresolved childhood wounds where one or both parents had extramarital affairs. The affair partner might have been the one who held a parent's secret about infidelity so that:

• A younger internal part of the affair partner might be unconsciously trying to heal their wounds by engaging in repetition compulsion, which would mean having an affair in an effort to master the old wounds that were so painful by being the desired one in an affair.

The Role of the Affair Partner

• To understand this dynamic, the affair partner would need to be willing to look at their family history regarding infidelity, duplicity and family secrets to see if there are unresolved issues that are getting played out in the current affair.

• As a child, if the affair partner played second fiddle to another sibling or to a parent's career or to a parent's addiction, they might unconsciously crave feeling special with a partner who is willing to risk everything to be with them. 

• In addition, accepting crumbs offered by the betraying partner, although painful, would also be paradoxically familiar and comfortable to the affair partner due to their family history of feeling unimportant.

In my next article, I'll discuss how to heal from the pain of being the affair partner:

How to Heal From the Pain of Being the Affair Partner.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist,

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.