How Can Intergenerational Trauma Affect Your Ability to Make Decisions?

In the current article I'm discussing how trauma can affect decision-making. 

Intergenerational Trauma and Fear of Making Decisions

What Are Some of the Psychological Factors For Fear of Making Decisions?

If you have this problem with making decisions, it's important to start with compassion.

Developing Self Awareness and Compassion

It's important to look beyond the surface with compassion so you won't be so hard on yourself.

In general, every person who has problems making decisions is unique and has their own set of psychological factors related to decision-making.

Here are some of the most common factors:

• Pessimism and Fear of Change: A negative or pessimistic perspective can lead to only focusing on the potential downside to every possible decision.

• Insecurity: Personal insecurities can lead to someone having difficulty with potential decisions.

• A Problem Solving Identity: Some people like to see themselves as problem solvers for themselves and for others. This helps them to feel useful and needed. However, it can also become a crutch to avoid making decisions.

• Cognitive Dissonance: Some people experience an internal conflict when faced with solutions that challenge their beliefs. This can lead to their challenging every possible solution offered to them to maintain a sense of internal consistency (see my article: Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a particular type of trauma, intergenerational trauma, an affect making decisions:

Liz

When her boyfriend, Ray, recommended that she seek help in therapy, Liz wasn't open to the idea at first. But when he talked to her about the many times she approached her problems with pessimism and fear of change, she realized she had a problem, so she sought help in therapy.

Anxiety and Fear of Change

When her therapist asked Liz about her family history, Liz revealed that both of her parents had problems making decisions because they usually feared the worst possible outcome.  

Both of Liz's parents experienced intergenerational related to severe poverty. So, even though her parents were now financially secure, whenever they had to make any decision about money, they approached the decision making process with pessimism, anxiety and dread (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

The smallest financial decision created so much anxiety that they would find a problem with any possible decision. This lead to procrastination so they made decisions at the last possible moment. This often lead to poor choices in many cases because they weren't able to think about the choices calmly so they made last minute decisions in haste.

Even as a young child, Liz understood that her parents' anxiety and dread were misplaced. She knew that, unlike earlier generations, both of her parents were in high paying professions and they could relax more about money. 

But even though Liz understood it logically, on an emotional level, she took in her parents' fears and anxiety on an unconscious level.  

This created problems between Liz and Ray because whenever they were faced with certain decisions related to spending money, like whether to buy new furniture or whether they could afford to go on vacation, Liz had so much anxiety that she couldn't make a decision.

Logically, Liz knew she and Ray could afford the furniture and a vacation, but whenever he proposed various options, she found reasons to reject everything he proposed.  She couldn't understand why she couldn't reconcile her logical thoughts with her emotions.

After hearing about her family history, Liz's therapist provided her with psychoeducation about intergenerational trauma. 

Although Liz wasn't happy to hear that she was traumatized, her therapist's explanation made sense to her, especially when she heard about the symptoms. 

Some of the symptoms of intergenerational trauma resonated with her, including:

• Persistent anxiety

• Hypervigilance (a constant state of high alert or feeling a sense of threat)

• Problems with emotional regulation

• Shame
  

• Guilt
  

Liz's therapist worked with her to prepare her to do trauma therapy. Since Liz's anxiety was so high, she needed several months of preparation and stabilization before they could start processing her trauma in trauma therapy.

Part of the preparation involved developing self compassion and better coping skills.

When her therapist assessed Liz was ready to work through her trauma, they did a combination of IFS Parts Work Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR Therapy over a period of several months.

Whenever they discovered an emotional block in the trauma therapy, her therapist used Imaginal Interweaves to help Liz overcome the block (see my article: What Are Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy?).

Even though the work took over a year until Liz worked through her trauma, she felt incremental relief along the way.

Overcoming Anxiety and Fear of Change

Over time, Liz experienced her emotions as being more in synch with her logical understanding. She was able to modify her emotions and behavior to make decisions without anxiety, pessimism or fear of change.

Whenever she considered possible solutions to problems, she was able to consider each options and make a decision without finding problems with every solution.

Trauma therapy enabled Liz to free herself from a history of intergenerational trauma.

Conclusion

If you have unresolved trauma, a good place to start is developing self awareness and compassion.

Most people don't want to create problems for themselves and others when they're trying to solve problems or make decisions, so there's usually a coherent reason. 

If the reason isn't apparent, it's often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist can help you to identify the psychological factors involved and work through the problems (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

If the problems are related to trauma, seeking help from a psychotherapist who is a trauma therapist can help you to overcome the trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life free from your history of trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy?

I've written several articles about IFS Parts Work Therapy in the past (see the links at the end of this article).

Discovering Core Self in IFS Therapy

What is Core Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy?

IFS is Internal Family Systems, an evidence-based therapy developed by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz to help clients heal from psychological trauma.

From the IFS perspective, Core Self is an inate state of being that everyone possesses.

Unlike parts, which are like subpersonalities in IFS, Core Self isn't a part of the personality.  IFS posits that the Core Self is in a self leadership role in every person and one way to describe Core Self is in terms of the 8 Cs:

• Compassion
• Curiosity
• Clarity
• Creativity
• Calmness
• Confidence
• Courage
• Connectedness

How Can You Access Your Core Self?

The Core Self can be accessed through various practices including: 

• Mindfulness: A basic mindfulness exercise involves focusing on your breath while allowing whatever thoughts and feelings to come up without judgment.

• Meditation: Guided meditations can help you to connect with your Core Self so you can experience yourself in a deeper way.

Discovering Core Self in IFS Parts Therapy

• Self Compassion: Practicing self compassion is key to connecting with your Core Self. Self compassion allows you to connect with yourself in a loving nonjudgmental way. 

• Focusing on Your Body: Taking time to notice physical sensations in your body in a gentle and loving way can help you to connect with your body's innate wisdom (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

How is Core Self Different From Parts of Yourself?

• Parts: Everyone is made up of a multiplicity of selves.. In this case, I'm not talking about multiple personality disorder. Instead, I'm talking about the many subpersonalities that everyone possess that carry many emotions, beliefs and histories. There are no "bad parts" and it's not the goal of IFS to get rid of any of the parts. However, some of the parts might be in need of healing because they have taken on extreme roles due to trauma.

• Core Self: Core Self is distinct from parts. The Core Self, which is also called the True Self, Higher Self or the Self (with a capital "S"), is the source of your inner wisdom and healing. When you are within the perspective of your Core Self, the Core Self can work with your parts instead of being overwhelmed by parts.

The Core Self can be difficult to access when your parts are activated and "in charge" of you, but you can learn to access Core Self (as described in the vignette below).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a client in IFS Parts Work Therapy can access Core Self to heal from trauma:

Tina

When Tina sought help in IFS Parts Work Therapy, she felt overwhelmed by unresolved childhood trauma.

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy

Although she had close friends, Tina had difficulty maintaining romantic relationships once they became serious. Over time, Tina became emotionally distant in her relationships because she felt too emotionally vulnerable to express her feelings with the partner she was seeing at the time.

Her pattern was that she would be happy and excited to get into a new relationship, but when she and her partner developed deeper feelings for each other, her trauma symptoms got triggered.

She grew up in a family where her mother was emotionally distant and her father, whom she felt a closer connection to, disappeared one day when she was seven years old. After that, her mother became depressed and barely got out of bed, so Tina's aunt came to help them.

No one ever discussed what happened to her father and, as many children do, Tina blamed herself for her father abandoning the family.

Several years later, Tina found out from a neighbor that her father left her family to be with another woman and he started a new family. When Tina tried to contact him, her father refused to talk to her.

Many years later, when Tina was in her 30s, her father contacted her out of the blue because he had terminal cancer. By then, his second wife had left him and his children from the second marriage didn't want to maintain contact with him.

Since her father had no one to look after him, Tina allowed him to stay with her while he had cancer treatment. She had a lot of ambivalence about taking him in, but she didn't feel she could send him away.

During the next two years, Tina and her father worked towards reconciling their father-daughter relationship. Her father regretted how he left her and her mother and he asked for Tina's forgiveness. Knowing he was going to die, Tina told him that she forgave him, but deep down she still felt the hurt and pain of her younger self who was abandoned.

This hurt and pain related to her father's abandonment carried over into her romantic relationships as soon as she became emotionally invested in the relationship.  She feared she would be abandoned again and she dealt with it by becoming emotionally numb.

When Tina sought help in IFS Parts Work Therapy, her therapist provided her with psychoeducation about IFS.

She also helped Tina to develop the necessary tools and coping strategies to do the deep work involved with IFS, and Tina also journaled and meditated between sessions.

After her therapist discussed Core Self, Tina took time during her busy week to access this deeper part of herself through mindfulness meditation.

Over time, she also learned to distinguish between the fearful and anxious parts of herself and her Core Self. She knew that whenever she felt fearful or anxious, she was looking through the perspective of one or more parts. And when she felt calm and compassionate, she was in touch with her Core Self.

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy

This was the early stage of her IFS therapy and she was aware she and her therapist needed to do work on the parts that were causing her to feel fear and anxiety.  But after she learned to switch her perspective from her parts to her Core Self, she felt calmer and more in charge of her life.

Over time, with the help of IFS Therapy, Tina was able to develop a new relationship beyond the initial honeymoon stage. Although it was challenging for her, she used the tools she learned in IFS to heal her trauma and remain in her relationship.

Conclusion

Core Self is the innate essence that everyone possesses.

It can be challenging to access Core Self when you are immersed in parts, including anxious, fearful, shamed or angry parts.

IFS Parts Work Therapy provides ways to access Core Self during the initial stage of IFS Therapy.

Once clients can access their Core Self, they can work in IFS to deal with the wounded and traumatized parts.

Getting Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS Parts Work Therapy is an evidence-based effective form of trauma therapy.

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist so you can free yourself from the effects of your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychtherapist.

To set up a consultation, call at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Other IFS Articles:

How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Understand Yourself

Understanding the Different Parts of Yourself

Parts Work Therapy Can Be Empowering

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Help With Anxiety?

Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?

How IFS Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Anxiety

Anyone who has ever had to deal with a high level of anxiety knows how unpleasant anxiety can be (see my article: Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).

IFS Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Anxiety

For a basic understanding of IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy, see the articles at the end of this blog post.

How Does IFS Help With Anxiety?

Rather than seeing anxiety as a flaw, from an IFS perspective, IFS teaches you to see anxiety as a part of yourself.

IFS therapists help clients with anxiety by teaching them to connect with their Core Self. 

According to IFS, the Core Self is innate in every person and consists of the 8 Cs:

• Calm
• Compassion (including self compassion)
• Curiosity
• Clarity
• Courage
• Confidence
• Creativity
• Connection

When you learn to connect with your Core Self, you can work with the various parts of yourself, including the anxious part, to understand the parts' intentions and help them to let go of the extreme roles they are in to reduce anxiety.

The intention of IFS isn't to do battle with your anxiety. Instead, the goal is to work with the anxious part so that you are emotionally balanced and mentally integrated.

This involves:

• Understanding the Parts: The main idea in IFS is that the mind is made up of a multiplicity of parts. Within your system of parts, you have parts that are "managers", "exiles" and "firefighters." An example of a manager might be a part who is a perfectionist who wants to do everything "perfectly" to prevent a future failure. An example of a firefighter part might be a part that uses alcohol to distract you and numb you from your emotions. An example of an "exile" is a young wounded part that carries shame from early trauma.

IFS Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Anxiety

• Identifying Triggers: An IFS therapist helps you to identify the triggers that activate the anxious part. An example of a trigger that activates anxiety might be a work deadline.

• Accessing Your Core Self: Core Self, as described above, is the "leader" of your parts. Your IFS therapist teaches you how to access your Core Self so that you can shift your perspective from seeing through your anxious part to gaining a balanced, centered and grounded perspective through Core Self.

• Communicating With Your Anxious Part: As you continue to develop skills in IFS, you also learn how to understand and dialog with your anxious part and any other part from the perspective of Core Self.  Your Core Self is the essence of who you are and, as such, Core Self is nonjudgmental and empathetic. Instead of battling your anxiety, you ask the anxious part of you what it's afraid of, how it's trying to protect you and what it needs.

• Releasing Burdens: By getting to the root of your anxiety, you help your anxious part to release the "burdens" it has been carrying. These are usually painful emotions or beliefs from past trauma. 

• Rebalancing the System: Once you are coming from the perspective of Core Self, Core Self can guide your parts to work together in a harmonious way. This reduces anxiety and helps the anxious part to develop a healthier role. Instead of being stuck in an extreme role, all your parts can work together to achieve your goals instead of remaining stuck in extreme protective roles.

Preparation in Therapy to Do IFS Parts Work to Overcome Anxiety

Just like any other therapy, when you do IFS to overcome anxiety, your IFS therapist can help you to develop a rapport with her. 

This is essential in any therapy, but it's especially important when doing the deep work involved in IFS because you need to trust your therapist. This isn't necessarily easy for people who have experienced trauma, especially if it involved family-related trauma (see my article: Can You Trust Your Therapist If You Couldn't Trust Your Family?).

IFS Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Anxiety

Your therapist will also provide you with psychoeducation to understand IFS so that you know what is involved before you work with her in IFS therapy.

If your anxiety is getting in the way of day-to-day functioning, your IFS therapist will assess what level of care you might need and if you need adjunctive mental health treatment or another level of treatment.

Assuming that IFS outpatient psychotherapy is right for you, your therapist will also ensure you have the necessary coping skills and internal resources before beginning IFS.

Doing Your Own Work Between Therapy Sessions

Your IFS therapist will probably suggest that you do your own work between therapy sessions to cope with anxiety.

This could include:

Journaling

Meditation

Using Grounding Techniques

Getting Help in IFS Therapy

IFS is an evidence-based therapy developed by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz.

Getting Help in IFS Therapy

IFS is used throughout the United States and in many parts of the world.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an IFS therapist so you can lead a meaningful life free from the effects of your history of trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Other Articles About IFS:

How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Understand Yourself

Understanding the Different Parts of Yourself

Parts Work Therapy Can Be Empowering

Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?

Healing in Trauma Therapy: It's Never Too Late to Give Yourself a Good Childhood

Many people weren't lucky enough to have a good childhood because of childhood trauma. 

If you are like millions of other people who experienced childhood trauma, you might be relieved to know that you can overcome your traumatic childhood experiences through trauma therapy.

Healing in Trauma Therapy

As an Adult, How Can You Give Yourself a Good Childhood?

Since it's obvious that none of us can actually go back in time to change circumstances related to childhood trauma, you might wonder how you can heal so that you can give yourself a good childhood.

The answer is Experiential Trauma Therapy including:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy 

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy

Healing in Trauma Therapy

• Parts Work Therapy 

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy

and other trauma therapies can help you to work through psychological trauma with tools and strategies, like Imaginal Interweaves, to heal the traumatized younger parts of yourself (see my article: Imaginal Interweaves).

All of the therapies mentioned above are Experiential Therapies which differ from traditional psychotherapy because these therapies involve the mind-body connection (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?)

Healing in Trauma Therapy

This means that you gain more than just intellectual insight. Instead, you have a more integrated mind and embodied experience that produces better results than traditional talk therapy (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

With regard to reimagining your childhood, Imaginal Interweaves, which were developed by Dr. Laurel Parnell for Attachment-Focused EMDR Therapy, allows you to use the mind-body connection to heal trauma by providing you with healing experiences.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how Experiential Therapy, including Imaginal Interweaves, can heal childhood trauma:

Tom

After several painful breakups, Tom sought help with an Experiential Therapist to try to understand why he was having problems in relationships (see my article: How Trauma Can Affect Relationships).

He had been in traditional talk therapy before where he gained intellectual insight into how his trauma childhood had affected his ability to be in romantic relationships. He understood the connection between his childhood emotional neglect and abuse and his inability to connect with romantic partners. But even though he understood his problems, nothing changed. He continued to have the same relationship problems.

Whenever he began seeing someone new, he felt excited and open to the new relationship. However, as the relationship became more emotionally intimate, he had problems remaining emotionally available and open to his partner (see my article: What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Available?).

Tom understood how the increasing emotional intimacy created anxiety for him and he knew it wasn't related to the particular woman he was in a relationship with--it was his own childhood experiences and his family history.

While he was in traditional talk therapy, whenever he felt himself shutting down with his partner, he tried to remember that his fear was coming from the past and not the present, but this didn't help him to remain emotionally open to his partner (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

Healing in Trauma Therapy

Feeling frustrated, Tom sought help in EMDR Therapy, a type of Experiential Therapy, hoping he would have a different experience where he could do more than just understand his problem--he wanted to heal and to be emotionally vulnerable in his next relationship.

As part of EMDR therapy, his therapist used a combination of Imaginal Interweaves and Parts Work Therapy when he got stuck processing his childhood trauma (see my article: Using Imagery as a Powerful Tool in Trauma Therapy).

His trauma therapist told him that Imaginal Interweaves were one of many tools in Experiential Therapy and that these interweaves were in no way saying that he had a different experience in his childhood. Instead, these interweaves allowed him to have a new healing experience.

Tom imagined himself as an adult talking to his younger self who experienced his parents' emotional neglect and abuse. 

He reassured his younger self that he would protect him and he saw his adult self confront his parents about the abuse and take his younger self to a safe place where he comforted him.

His therapist reinforced and helped him to integrate his new positive experiences with EMDR Bilateral Stimulation using EMDR tappers.

Afterwards, Tom felt a sense of relief--as if his experience of himself began to shift.

In another session, Tom imagined he had ideal parents who were nothing like his actual parents. They were kind, loving and patient with him. 

Healing in Trauma Therapy

This work, which involved many sessions with Imaginal Interweaves, was neither quick nor easy. But over time Tom had a new sense of himself as a person who was more open and capable of emotional intimacy in his next relationship.

Instead of closing off emotionally, as he usually did, he was able to remain open and emotionally available with his new girlfriend as he healed from the source of his problems.

Conclusion

While you can't actually go back in time to change a traumatic childhood, you can heal and have a new experience of yourself using your imagination in Experiential Therapy.

The new experience in Experiential Therapy isn't just an intellectual process. It's an integrated mind-body oriented experience where you can experience yourself as free from the effects of your traumatic history.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have unresolved trauma which has had a negative impact on your relationships and traditional therapy hasn't healed your trauma, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who does Experiential Therapy (see my article: Healing Trauma Creatively).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in Experiential Therapy to heal from unresolved trauma so you can live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal from trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers - Compassion vs Complacency

Many partners of trauma survivors struggle with their partner's trauma triggers. 

They tell me they don't know what to do to help their partner when their partner becomes triggered.

This article discusses how to avoid responding complacently and how to respond with compassion instead.

What is the Difference Between Compassion vs Complacency?

For someone dealing with their partner's trauma triggers, there is a big difference between compassion and complacency.

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

Compassion means offering patient, empathetic support to a partner while complacency involves a harmful indifference or dismissal of a partner's symptoms or efforts to recover from trauma.

A compassionate response helps to establish safety and connection while a complacent response can lead to resentment, emotional detachment and a breakdown of trust.

Let's look at the differences between compassion and complacency in more detail:

Complacency: A Damaging Response

Complacency occurs when a partner stops putting an effort to understand and support a partner's healing journey. This often occurs because the partner who isn't traumatized becomes fatigued or resentful. 

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This can take a heavy toll on the relationship because the partner with trauma feels unseen, unheard, unsafe and alone.

Signs of Complacency:

• Minimizing Your Partner's Feelings: Saying "It's not that big a deal" or "You're making a big deal out of nothing" invalidates a traumatized partner's experience

• Taking a Partner's Triggers Personally: Viewing a partner's trauma triggers as a personal attack, which leads to resentment and defensive behavior

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Ignoring Triggers: A partner who refuses to adjust their behavior or the environment to accommodate a partner's needs which violates the traumatized partner's safety

• Withdrawing Emotionally: Becoming emotionally distant or apathetic to a partner's emotional needs which leads to emotional disconnection and a breakdown in communication

• Taking a Partner For Granted: A lack of affection and appreciation, as if the traumatized partner's presence is guaranteed which can make feelings of abandonment and worthlessness worse

Compassion - A Supportive Response

A compassionate partner tries to understand the origins of their partner's trauma response instead of reacting defensively to triggered behavior.  

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This approach helps to regulate a traumatized partner's nervous system and offers a steadying presence.

Signs of Compassion:

• Active Listening and Emotional Validation: Listening without judgment, "That sounds difficult. I'm here for you."

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Educating Yourself: Take the initiation to learn about trauma's effects on the brain and behavior to gain insight and perspective 

• Creating a Safe Environment: Work together to identify triggers and create a plan for when triggers occur. This might include agreed-upon actions or a "safe word" to use during moments of high distress

• Respecting Boundaries: Honor a traumatized partner's needs for space or control, which is essential for trauma survivors who might have had their boundaries violated

• Patience: A recognition that healing from trauma isn't a linear process and there will be ups and downs along the way (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how a partner shifts his behavior from a complacent to a compassionate stance:

Ed and Mary

Before they moved in together, Ed was aware that Mary had been sexually abused as a child, but her triggers became more evident once they were living together.

Ed had a favorite TV police program he liked to watch where the characters in the program were regularly sexually abused as part of the story. 

He couldn't understand why Mary got so triggered whenever he watched the program when she was around. He felt annoyed when Mary said she needed to stop watching the program because she felt like she was about to have a panic attack.

Ed would tell Mary, "Why are you getting so upset? It's only a TV show." 

He also felt Mary was trying to control him whenever she left the room when that program was on, "You need to get over these triggers. Your abuse happened a long time ago. Why are you being so dramatic?'

At her wit's end, Mary invited Ed to attend one of her trauma therapy sessions so her therapist could help Ed to understand and empathize with Mary's trauma reactions.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Afterwards, Ed felt ashamed and guilty for his behavior. He told Mary that she was more important to him than any TV program and he wouldn't watch the program when she was around.

He also sought to understand what happened to Mary by asking her questions, which helped to increase his compassion for her.

Over time, Ed noticed that Mary was healing and he validated the hard work she was doing in trauma therapy.

Gradually, Ed's compassion and emotional support for Mary helped to bring them closer together.

Conclusion

A complacent response to a partner's trauma is damaging for the traumatized partner and the relationship.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Being compassionate and understanding can support your partner's healing journey.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal from trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.