Relationships: Why is It So Hard to Validate Your Partner's Vulnerability?

As a psychotherapist in New York City who works with individual adults and couples, I see many relationships who have problems with emotional validation.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

In a prior article, Validation as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy, I discussed the importance of vulnerability in developing emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship.

In the current article I'm focusing on why it can be difficult to validate a partner's emotional vulnerability.

Why Is Validating a Partner's Vulnerability Difficult?

People often struggle to validate their partner's vulnerability for many reasons including:

• Misunderstanding validation: Believing it means agreeing or admitting fault--rather than acknowledging their partner's emotional reality.

• Fear and defensiveness: Vulnerability can trigger personal fears (fear of rejection or fear of inadequacy), making a partner defensive and punishing their partner for being vulnerable.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Lack of Skills: Not knowing how to validate, struggling with emotional intelligence or an inability to handle intense emotions.

• Past Experiences of Being Hurt: Prior experiences of being hurt when vulnerability was met with rejection or criticism can create barriers.

• Societal Norms: Pressure to be stoic, especially for men, can hinder emotional sharing.

• Differing Perspectives: Difficulty accepting a partner's perspective due to a differing perspective.

• Emotional Disconnection: Being disconnected from their own own painful feelings. This can drive invalidating behavior towards their partner.

What Does Invalidating Behavior Look Like in Relationships?

The following are some examples of invalidating behavior:

• Dismissing a partner's feelings as "irrational" or "ridiculous".

• Turning away from a partner.

Problems With Validating Your Partner's Vulnerability

• Rolling their eyes, which is a form of contempt (see my article: Improving Communication By Avoiding the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Changing the subject

• Focusing only on their own feelings about the topic

Conclusion

Validation isn't agreement.

Validation is about creating a safe haven for your partner's emotional experience.

Validating your partner requires a conscious effort, but the good news is that validation is a skill that can be learned (see my article: How to Validate Your Partner's Emotional Vulnerability).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with problems in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in working with couples.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the skills and tools you need to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.