What is the Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry?

Psychotherapy and psychiatry sound alike, so it can be confusing to know what the differences are and when to see a psychotherapist versus when to see a psychiatrist.

The Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

What is the Difference Between a Psychotherapy and Psychiatry?

While the two terms might sound interchangeable, there are important key differences:

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapists tend to focus on thoughts, including unconscious thoughts, emotions and behavior.

The Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

Psychotherapists have at least a two year Masters degree and many of them also have an additional four years postgraduate training from postgraduate institute (like the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy, National Institute of Psychotherapies and other institutes).

Aside from traditional talk therapy, psychotherapists who go on for advanced training also provide specialized therapy including (but not limited to):

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Internal Family Systems Parts Work (IFS)

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Hypnotherapy

• Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

• Sex Therapy (for individuals and couples)

Depending upon their skills and training, many psychotherapists can help clients to:

• Manage Stress and Anxiety

• Overcome Depression

• Develop Resilience and Better Coping Skills

Couples Therapy

• Improve Relationships

• Process Unresolved Issues, including Unresolved Trauma

• Improve Communication Skills

• Cope with Workplace Issues

• Process Unresolved Grief

• Improve Self Esteem

And many other behavioral and interpersonal issues.

Most psychotherapy sessions occur at least once a week for 45-60 minutes.

Psychiatry

Psychiatry focuses on the medical side of mental health.

Psychiatrists are mental health professions who are medical doctors (MDs or DOs). They provide differential diagnoses, prescribe psychotropic medication such as antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, antipsychotic medication and other similar medications.

In the past, psychiatrists provided traditional psychotherapy, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), psychoanalysis and psychodynamic psychotherapy. However, these days most psychiatrists provide medication management. 

Some specialized psychiatrists also provide Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) for severe mental health conditions such as treatment-resistant major depression, ADHD, schizophrenia and  catatonia (a state where someone is awake but unresponsive to other people or the environment).

After the initial evaluation session, psychiatry sessions tend to be shorter in duration (15-20 minutes) to assess how a client is responding to medication management. After a client has been stabilized on medication, sessions might occur every 3-4 months unless the client needs help with medication.

Integrating Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

Clients, who need medication management, benefit from integrating both psychotherapy and psychiatric treatment and many psychotherapists and psychiatrists collaborate to integrate both treatments (see my article: Medication Alone Isn't As Effective As Including Psychotherapy).

For instance, a psychotherapist who is helping a client with anxiety will often be in touch with the client's psychiatrist to provide feedback on what she has observed in therapy sessions and to get information about medications prescribed. This is only done with a written consent from the client.

While some clients choose to only take medication, research has shown that combining psychotherapy and psychiatric treatments is most effective (when psychiatric treatment is needed) rather than just relying on medication because clients learn coping skills and strategies to deal with their mental health issues. 

Psychotherapy can get to the underlying issues that cause the mental health issues and if worked through in therapy, it's possible that medication won't be necessary for certain clients. 

In addition, when clients stop taking medication for certain mental health issues, they often go back to having the same problems they had before they took medication. For instance, if they never learned to manage anxiety symptoms or get to the root cause of their anxiety in therapy, once they stop taking the medication, they are back to where they were before they stopped taking the medication.

At the same time, there are certain mental health conditions that require medication such as schizophrenia, some forms of ADHD or bipolar disorder to mention just a few.

How to Choose Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatric Treatment

Making a decision about mental health treatment can be a big step, especially if you are new to it.

Consider what you need:

Are you looking for help with understanding yourself, improving your relationships, dealing with situational anxiety or working on unresolved trauma or are you dealing with more complex long-standing psychiatric problems?

If you are dealing with a mental health issue that requires medication (e.g., ADHD, bipolar disorder), starting with a psychiatrist is a good first step. Then, once you are stabilized on medication, you can see a psychotherapist to help you to make the behavioral changes that medication alone won't do.

How to Discover What is Right For You

It's easy to get confused about the differences between psychotherapy and psychiatry.

The Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

You're not a broken machine that needs to be "fixed". You're a human being which means that, like everyone else, you have messy, complicated and wonderful parts of yourself. We all do.

Rather than focusing on being "perfect", the goal is developing a better understanding of yourself, practicing self compassion, finding the right tools and strategies to deal with life's inevitable ups and downs and living a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why is Experiential Therapy Better Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Deal With Trauma? 

With Experiential Therapy, There Are No Blank-Slate Therapists 

The Mind-Body Connection: Experiential Therapy Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind 

Relationships: Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens Instead of an Enemy Lens

In prior articles I have discussed insecure attachment styles including anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment (see links for these articles at the bottom of this article).

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens

Even if you're familiar with attachment styles, including your own style and your partner's, it's easy to slip into looking through an enemy lens when things get tense between you.  

When you look at your partner through an enemy lens, you might feel like things they say are meant as a personal attack against you or proof that they don't care.  

When you switch your focus to an attachment lens, you can see your partner's behaviors as being either a cry for connection or a cry for space if they are overwhelmed.

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens Instead of an Enemy Lens

Here are some examples of how you can switch your focus:

• From Controlling to Anxious: Instead of seeing your partner's frequent texts or calls as controlling behavior, looking at their behavior from an attachment lens, you can consider that your partner, who feels insecure, might need reassurance from you that you're there for them.

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens

• From "Indifferent" to "Overwhelmed": Instead of seeing your partner's silence as being indifferent or cold, consider that your partner might be overwhelmed and they might feel the need to "shut down" in order to avoid escalating a conflict between you or they might be feeling like a failure.

• From "Picking a Fight" to "They're Reaching Out": Your partner's critical comments can be clumsy, desperate attempts to get your attention because they feel lonely or unimportant to you.

The Negative Cycle is the Enemy--Not Your Partner

In Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) neither partner is "the bad guy". 

Instead of making your partner the villain or making yourself the problem, see your interactions in terms of the negative cycle you both get stuck in (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With EFT Couples Therapy).

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens

When you stop blaming each other, you can recognize that you each have underlying fears that drive the negative cycle between you.  This allows you to move from a combative or defensive posture to a compassionate stance.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to improve your dynamic so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Relationships: Understanding the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System

Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment Issues on Adult Relationships

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) 

How Can EFT Couples Therapy Help to Improve Your Relationship? 

How to Get the Most Out of EFT Couples Therapy  

Learning to Ask Your Partner For What You Need

Unresolved Trauma: Coping With Resentment For a Passive Parent Who Didn't Protect You From Abuse

Coping with resentment towards a passive parent for their role in childhood abuse or neglect is usually a difficult process (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment).

Coping With Resentment For a Passive Parent

When you were younger, you might have seen this parent as the "safer parent" or the "nice parent" as compared to the parent who was mistreating you.  However, as an adult, you might come to the realization that the parent you thought was safer or nicer didn't protect you from the parent who mistreated you.

Coping With Resentment For the Parent Who Didn't Protect You

Resentment is often a signal that your boundaries were violated and your need for safety was ignored.

Shifting from a child's view to an adult view often includes:

• Allowing the Pedestal to Fall: Shifting from idealizing the passive parent to a realistic understanding of their complex role is a first step in recognizing and coping with your anger and resentment. While it's understandable that, as a child, you might have seen the passive parent as the "good one" compared to the abusive parent, now that you're an adult, you can develop a more mature understanding of why they prioritized the abusive parent's comfort over your well-being. There can be many complex reasons for their passivity, but being aware of this parent's role in your mistreatment is essential to your healing.

• Understanding Responsibility vs Blame: There is a difference between blaming versus responsibility. The passive parent had a responsibility for your safety and well-being when you were a child. This is often a trap that many traumatized individuals get stuck in because they want to be empathetic towards the passive parent and yet they feel resentment towards them.

• Considering the Passive Parent's Humanity: At some point, as an adult, when you have worked through some of your resentment, as part of your healing, you can consider that your passive parent wasn't infallible. Acknowledging your passive parent's flaws, including their own fear, conditioning and their possible unresolved trauma, can help you to see them as a flawed peer.

What Steps Can You Take As An Adult to Deal With Your Resentment?

• Validate Your Reality: Your feelings of resentment and betrayal are real and valid. In many instances, the passive parent tends to minimize your experience in order to keep the peace with the mistreating parent. This might involve the passive parent telling you as an adult, "This happened a long time ago. Why don't you let it go?" or "You turned out alright so why are you still resentful about this?" Rather than allowing the passive parent to minimize your experience, you don't have to participate in the gaslighting as you reclaim your power (see my article: Self Validation).

• Set Firm Boundaries: Boundaries are for your own well-being. They are not meant to hurt your parents. Start by affirming your right to be treated with respect and prioritize your healing and personal growth (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Learn to Stop Self Abandoning: In situations like these, many adult children learn to abandon their own needs to placate the passive parent, so it's important not to self abandon (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

• Expect the Possibility of Resistance: If you have changed your role with the passive parent, you might encounter resistance in terms of being described as someone who has been "brainwashed" or, from their point of view, they might say you are unnecessarily resentful. Try to remain calm and firm in your stance.

• Consider Their Limitations: You cannot force the passive parent to change or leave their situation. Each of you must make your own decisions. You also need to prioritize your well-being.

• Get Help in Trauma Therapy: Untangling these complex situations can be difficult to do on your own. You could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who can help you to heal and grow (see my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the complexities involved in terms of coping with resentment towards a passive parent and how trauma therapy can help with unresolved trauma:

Ann

As an adult, Ann revealed to her mother that had her father touched her inappropriately multiple times when Ann was 10 years old. In response, her mother remained silent for a long time. Then she said, "You're 25 years old. These things happened a long time ago. Why can't you just let it go?" 

Coping With Resentment For a Passive Parent

Ann was stunned. When she could find her voice, she told her mother that the of sexual abuse by her father was traumatic and, as an adult, it impacted her sexual relationship with her boyfriend as well as her prior relationships with other men.

Ann's mother looked uncomfortable, "You know your father was drinking at the time. He probably didn't even know what he was doing. Now that he's dead, let him rest in peace."

Suddenly it dawned on Ann that her mother might have known about the sexual abuse when Ann was a child and her mother didn't stop it, "Did you know what he was doing to me?"

Her mother left the room quickly and Ann realized that her mother did know and she didn't protect her.  Ann felt enraged and followed her mother into the living room, "You knew, didn't you?"

Her mother looked upset, "You don't understand what it was like. When your father got drunk, he would threaten me. I was terrified that if I confronted him, he would hit me. And I wasn't working so I had no money. What was I supposed to do? Where was I supposed to go?"

"So you didn't do anything!" Ann shouted at her, "You just let him do it!"

"You were so young. I thought you wouldn't remember what happened when you got older" her mother responded.

Ann was speechless and she froze in the moment. But when she reconnected with her body, she left her mother's home and drove back to her apartment (see my article: Understanding the Freeze Response Related to Trauma).

On the way home, Ann was in tears. She recalled, as a child, hearing her parents arguing when he was drunk. At the time, she thought of her mother as an angel and her father as a devil.

Now she realized that, as a child, she had idealized her mother. But, as an adult, she now realized that her mother didn't protect her or try to get help to make the abuse stop--even though she knew about the abuse.

After several months of trauma therapy, Ann became aware that of just how angry she was that  her mother didn't take responsibility to protect her from her father.

She told her therapist that, when she was 15, a few months prior to her father's death, she confronted her father about the abuse. Her father told her he couldn't remember what he did when he got drunk and said, "Let's just put this behind us."

Her therapist used a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy (IFS) to help Ann work through the unresolved trauma including Ann's feelings of resentment and betrayal towards each of her parents.

She and her boyfriend, Mike, also attended sex therapy to work on their relationship. Initially, when they first met, their sex life was good, but as their relationship became more emotionally intimate and Ann felt more emotionally vulnerable, Ann would freeze whenever Mike touched her.

During her treatment, Ann's trauma therapist and her sex therapist collaborated for the benefit of Ann and Mike's therapy.

Eventually, Ann's mother began her own individual therapy to deal with her role as the passive parent.

After a year in her own therapy, Ann's mother told her that she was ashamed that she didn't try to protect Ann and she apologized. She realized she needed to take responsibility for not doing her part to stop the abuse. She had profound regret and shame and she wanted to work towards reconciling her relationship with Ann (see my article: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation in Families).

Her mother also revealed to Ann that she had also been sexually abused as a child by her father and, in hindsight, she realized that her own experience complicated her feelings about her husband abusing Ann. She said she didn't want to make excuses. She just wanted Ann to understand.

Ann had a lot of mixed feelings towards her mother, but she wanted to forgive her. She also had mixed feelings about father because there were times when he was sober when Ann was a child that he was mostly a kind and loving father. 

She continued to work in trauma therapy to reconcile her feelings towards each of her parents. Since her father died, Ann had no way to reconcile with him directly, but she realized that adult children continue to have an internal relationship with their parents even after they are gone.

In the meantime, Ann and Mike continued to work on their relationship in sex therapy so that Ann could separate her traumatic experiences with her father from her sexual experiences with Mike.

Conclusion

The first step in these situations is to look at your childhood history with adult eyes.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Each person has to decide whether they are willing to reconcile with their parents or not. 

Some people decide that what happened when they were a child was unforgivable and others try to reconcile with one or both parents. 

Others decide to maintain a superficial relationship as opposed to being completely estranged (see my article: Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconcilation).

There is no right or wrong decision. There is only the decision that is right for you as an individual.

Trauma therapy can help you to free yourself from your traumatic history so you can live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: How to Cope With Being Triggered in Your Relationship

Understanding how you and your partner trigger each other involves recognizing that triggers are disproportionately intense emotional reactions that are sparked by current events which have their roots in earlier unresolved trauma.

Partners Triggering Each Other

These reactions are automatic and rooted in the nervous system's fight-or-flight response.

Why Do People Get Triggered?

Triggers typically stem from several deep-seated psychological areas:

• Insecure Attachment History: Early childhood insecure attachment styles, like anxious, avoidant and disorganized attachment, become the models for adult relationships. For instance, a person with an anxious attachment might get triggered by a partner who needs space and an avoidant partner might feel triggered by a partner's request for closeness (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

Unresolved Trauma and Early Wounds

• Past Unresolved Trauma and Early Wounds: Events between partners that mirror childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment can cause panic where the brain reacts as if the past threat is happening now (see my articles: Reacting to the Present Based on the Past and Unresolved Trauma: Separating "Then" From "Now").

Critical Inner Voice

• Critical Inner Voice: A partner who has a history of unresolved trauma can misinterpret their partner's neutral actions. For example, if a partner says he's too tired to go out to dinner, the other partner's critical inner voice might hear "He doesn't care about me anymore" or "He thinks I'm too boring to be with" or "He thinks I'm unattractive" (see my article: Making Friends With Your Internal Critic).

• Unmet Needs: Triggers often occur when deep vulnerabilities aren't met by a partner (or they are perceived as not being met) like the need to feel seen, safe and respected which is rooted in unresolved trauma (see my article: 4 Ways Unresolved Early Trauma Can Have a Negative Impact on Your Relationship).

What is the Cycle of Mutual Triggering?

Mutual triggering occurs when one partner's reactive behavior becomes a trigger for the other partner. This can create an ongoing cycle of triggers.

• The Pattern: Partner A feels triggered and reacts (e.g., attacking or withdrawing). This reaction, in turn, triggers Partner B's insecurities which causes Partner B to react and so on.

• The Result: At the point when both partners are triggered, what often happens is that their wounded "inner children" engage in conflict which can lead to repeated arguments where nothing is resolved.

What Are Common Triggers in Relationships?

Common triggers in everyday interactions include:

• Criticism: Actual or perceived criticism, disapproval or a dismissive tone
• Rejection/Abandonment: Your partner canceling plans, running late or seeming emotionally distant
• Neglect: Feeling ignored or like your needs aren't important

How Can Partners Manage Triggers Together?

• Self Awareness: Use a journal to identify "raw spots" in your history that cause intense emotions so you can anticipate your triggers

Developing Self Awareness Through Journal Writing

• Naming the Trigger: Communicating clearly to your partner, "I feel triggered because..." can help to shift the focus from blaming your partner to addressing your internal pain. If you can't communicate what is going on with you in the moment, let your partner know that you feel upset and you need a moment to figure out how you're getting triggered. Once you have figured it out, communicate this to your partner.

Name the Trigger

• A Shared Pause Plan: Agree on a word or signal to pause a conversation when one or both of you feel overwhelmed. Make this agreement at a point when both of you are calm and then use it when upset.

Practice Reflective Listening

• Reflective Listening: When your partner shares their feelings, instead of rushing to say how you feel, listen and then paraphrase what you heard. Ask your partner if you have paraphrased their feelings accurately and, if not, ask them to say it again and try paraphrasing again. Then, switch roles. This can help each partner to feel heard and validated (see my article: How to Respond in a Supportive Way to Your Partner's Vulnerability).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have tried to use these tools and strategies and you're still having problems, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples, also known as EFT, can help you and your partner learn to identify and prevent your particular negative cycle so that you don't keep triggering each other.

Working in couples therapy can help you to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

The Potential Long Lasting Impact of Trauma 

How Can People-Pleasing Behavior Affect a Relationship?

Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior are often unaware of how their behavior can affect their relationship to their partner as well as their relationship to themselves (see my article: Trauma and People-Pleasing Behavior).

What is People-Pleasing in a Relationship?

People-pleasing in a relationship involves prioritizing the needs, desires and opinions of a partner over your own.  As mentioned above, this behavior comes at the expense of the individual's well-being and the emotional health of the relationship.

People-Pleasing Behavior 

What Are the Characteristics of People-Pleasing Behavior?

Individuals who engage in people-pleasing behavior tend to be overly giving because they need to be needed.

Common traits include:

• Having low self worth
• Having little self awareness
• Behaving in an overly agreeable manner
• Accommodating other people's needs at the expense of their own
• Going with the flow of other people's desires
• Being unable to assert their own needs or not even understanding their own needs
• Feeling a sense of worth based on other people's validation as opposed to internal validation
• Apologizing when no apology is necessary
• Taking the blame when they are not at fault
• Making excuses for other people's problematic behavior

What is at the Root of People-Pleasing Behavior?

People-pleasing behavior usually stems from fear of rejection or fear of failure which is usually rooted in early childhood. 

This might involve a parent whose love was conditional so the child learns they have to earn their parent's love at the expense of their own needs.  It might also involve a parent who was emotionally distant or who was emotionally inconsistent (see my article: Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and People-Pleasing Behavior).

The hallmark of people-pleasing behavior is that individuals look for validation from others as opposed to validating themselves. They want to feel liked and accepted by others because if they can feel validated by others, they feel worthwhile.

These individuals are often conflict avoidant. They like to avoid arguments and confrontations (see my article:  How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Ruining Your Relationship).

As a result, they might not tell others how they really feel (or they might not understand how they feel) because their main objective is to keep others happy.

How Does People-Pleasing Behavior Impact Relationships?

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, is an example of how people-pleasing behavior can impact a relationship:

Jane and Bill

When Jane and Bill began dating, Jane often deferred to whatever Bill wanted to do. When he asked her what she would like to do on a Saturday night, she would usually respond by saying, "Whatever you want to do."

People-Pleasing Behavior in a Relationship

Over time, Jane gradually stopped seeing her friends because she wanted to be available in case Bill called her and wanted to go out.  

After they got married, Bill got a job offer which involved moving from New York City to Mexico City. 

Before he accepted the offer, Bill talked to Jane about how she would feel leaving her teaching job in New York and moving to Mexico. Without considering how she felt, Jane told Bill that if he wanted to move to Mexico City, she would be okay with moving.

Once the school year was over for Jane, they moved to Mexico City and Jane was more isolated than ever. She didn't speak Spanish, she hard no interest in learning, and she hardly ever went out of their apartment. She also felt too insecure to make friends with some of the other American women who lived nearby.

A year into their marriage, Bill knew their relationship was in trouble. He felt resentful that Jane always went along with whatever he wanted whenever there were big decisions to be made. He also felt lonely because he felt the emotional distance that was growing between them.

When a promotion opened up in New York City, Bill talked to Jane about moving back. He told her that he thought she was too isolated in Mexico City. He also shared how lonely he felt with her and he suggested they attend couples therapy when they returned to New York.

Jane complied with Bill's wishes to move back to New York and to get into couples therapy.  She wasn't fully aware of how unhappy Bill was until they began their couples therapy sessions and he talked about his despair in the relationship.

At first, Jane couldn't understand why Bill would be unhappy. She felt she was doing everything she could to make him happy and she feared he would leave her, which made her feel even more insecure.

During their couples therapy sessions, Jane began to understand how she tended to submit to whatever Bill wanted in an effort to feel worthy of their relationship. She also realized she needed to attend her own individual therapy to understand why she felt so out of touch with her own wants and needs.

Over time, Jane was able to trace her people-pleasing behavior to her relationship with her parents who were usually too preoccupied with their own interests to take notice of Jane--unless she performed very well in school or received an award. She gained insight into the root of her behavior and how it was damaging to her and her relationship with Bill.

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but over time Jane gained more of a sense of self. She also realized that her behavior was driven by her fear and insecurity that if she didn't go along with whatever Bill wanted, he would leave her.

The dynamic in their relationship changed slowly over time as Jane got to know herself better and realized that her relationship with Bill was different from her relationship with her parents (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma By Learning to Separate "Then" From "Now").

Between her individual therapy sessions, she wrote in her journal as a way to self reflect and understand her feelings. Before she automatically said "yes" to Bill, she thought about what she really wanted.  She also realized that whenever she felt she "should" do something, it was usually out of a sense of obligation instead of what she really wanted. 

In addition, Jane became aware that whenever she remained silent about her misgivings, her resentment came out in other ways, so she learned to express her feelings rather than keeping them to herself (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship).

Jane also reconnected with her friends and developed new hobbies of her own.

As Jane's confidence grew, she became an equal partner in her relationship with Bill. Their relationship also matured and deepened in a way that made them both happier.

Conclusion

People-pleasing behavior in relationships often has its roots in early family dynamics.

People-pleasing behavior in relationships often remains unconscious until problems arise and the couple explores their dynamic.

This behavior is often difficult to overcome on your own without working with a mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you are stuck in people-pleasing behavior, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to gain insight so you can become your own person.

Getting Help in Therapy

Learning to validate yourself rather than depending upon external validation is part of the process (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

Rather than remaining stuck, get help from a skilled mental health professional so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (Ego States Therapy and IFS), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.