Relationships: What Does It Mean to Be Monogamish?

The term "monogamish" was originally coined by Dan Savage, a nationally syndicated columnist and author.

Monogamish Relationships

Monogamish refers to a couple who is primarily monogamous but their relationship agreement allows for occasional sexual or romantic activity with others with the full consent of both people in the primary relationship.

What Are the Key Characteristics of Monogamish Couples?

The key characteristics of monogamish couples include:

• Being Mostly Monogamous: The primary couple is usually monogamous and they remain committed to their relationship.

• Agreed Upon Nonmonogamy: The partners in the primary relationship have an established agreement that has rules and boundaries for sexual or romantic connections outside the primary relationship. This can range from occasional flirting to infrequent sexual or romantic connections outside the relationship--depending upon what each individual in the primary relationship wants.

Monogamish Relationships

• Focus on Casual Connections Outside the Relationship: The couple's agreement is that any connections outside their relationship will be infrequent and casual without any intent of forming lasting relationships with others.

• Communication and Trust: Monogamish relationships require a high level of open communication, collaboration and trust within the primary relationship to navigate the possible challenges involved. A written agreement that is collaborated between the individuals in the primary relationship is recommended.

Monogamish Relationships

• Enhanced Connection: Many couples in monogamish relationships find that new experiences outside their primary relationship can enhance their relationship by strengthening their bond and increasing satisfaction with their relationship. Other couples prefer to have a Don't Ask Don't Tell agreement or only share limited information between them about their experiences with others. Other couples experiment with being monogamish and discover it doesn't work for them for a variety of reasons.

How Are Monogamish Relationships Different From Other Relationships?

Monogamish relationships differ from other relationship modalities:

• Completely Monogamous: Relationships that are strictly monogamous maintain a sexual and romantic connection within their relationship. They have no agreement to have other romantic or sexual connections with others.

• Polyamory: These relationships include multiple loving, romantic and sexual relationships at the same time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved (see my article: What is Solo Polyamory?).

Monogamish Relationships

• Open Relationships: This is a broad term for all consensually nonmonogamous relationships.

How Can You and Your Partner Develop a Monogamish Relationship?

Here are some considerations for being in a monogamish relationship--assuming both individuals in the primary relationship want to be monogamish:

• Have a Written Agreement: It's important to have a clearly defined agreement in writing about the boundaries and expectations in terms of what is and isn't allowed as part of the monogamish agreement. Having the agreement in writing helps both people to be clear on what they are agreeing to and to make revisions to the agreement when necessary. 

Monogamish Relationships

• Talk About Jealousy: Although jealousy is common in monogamish relationships, it's important to know how to manage jealous feelings calmly and in a way where each person in the primary relationship can address their needs (see my article: What is Compersion in Nonmonogamous Relationships?).

• Work Through Insecurities: Being able to address insecurities as they come up is important, especially when there might be small deviations from the couple's agreement.

• Be Aware That Switching to Being Monogamish Won't Save a Struggling Relationship: Too often couples switch from being monogamous to being monogamish when they are struggling with certain problems in their relationship, including discrepancies in sexual desire or infidelity. However, being monogamish often makes existing problems worse and can add problems to an already struggling relationship. Being monogamish works best when the relationship is stable and the couple is basically satisfied within the relationship. When there are existing problems, a couple would do better to work on these problems first either on their own or, if they can't resolve the problems on their own, to seek help in couples therapy (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Being monogamish can be challenging at times for couples of all sexual orientations.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

An experienced couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help couples to navigate these challenges so that the needs of both people are met.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise with all types of relationships.

About Me

I am licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Transactional Relationships

In an earlier article, I discussed transactional relationships (see my article: What Are Transactional Relationships?).

Understanding Transactional Relationships

Vignettes About Transactional Behavior

In the following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, the underlying motivation is transactional:

Ron: A Transactional Coworker: 

Ron, who is a senior salesperson at his company, tends to perform seemingly kind and helpful favors for new female employees. Initially, the new female employees see Ron as a "nice guy" who goes out of his way to help them. 

A Transactional Coworker

However, within a relatively short period of time, these women realize Ron only appears to be kind and helpful. His real motivation is to try to ingratiate himself with these women with the motivation to eventually have sex with them. His usual pattern was to be "helpful" and, once these women trusted him, his real motivation surfaced when he would try to seduce them over drinks. Eventually, after several women complained to the human resources department, Ron was terminated.

Ann: A Transactional Friend: 

Ann felt little need for close friendships. She viewed most potential friends in terms of how she could benefit monetarily from the relationships. When she met Alice, who owned a consulting firm, Ann saw an opportunity to make money. She hoped that by becoming Ann's friend, she could promote her accounting business. Initially, Ann was seemingly kind to Alice. 

After Ann got to know Alice, she ingratiated herself by inviting Alice to dinner and buying her small gifts. Initially, Alice thought Ann was genuinely nice, but when Ann asked Alice to use her accounting firm and Alice told her she already had an accounting company she used in her business, Ann dropped the friendship and Alice never heard from her again. When Alice realized that Ann's friendship was conditional, she felt hurt and resentful.

Ed: A Transactional Date: 

During the first few weeks of dating Lena, Ed took her out to expensive restaurants and bought what appeared to be thoughtful gifts. When he drove Lena home from their third date, Ed told her that he thought it was time they spent the night together. In response, Lena told him she wasn't ready to be intimate with him and she wanted to get to know him better. 

A Transactional Date

At that point, Ed lost his temper and blurted out that he calculated he had spent more than $700 on her and he felt he deserved to have sex with her. Initially, Lena was in shock because she had never seen this angry transactional side to Ed's personality and she recoiled from him. Trying to recover his composure and "nice guy" image, Ed realized he had badly miscalculated the situation with Lena and he made excuses for his inappropriate behavior by saying he was under a lot of stress and he misspoke. But, by then, Lena realized Ed's "niceness" was calculated behavior and she wanted nothing to do with him.

What is Transactional Behavior?

Transactional behavior usually has the following characteristics:

• It's a Means to an End: So-called kind behavior is a tactic to achieve a goal. The goal can be anything. It can involve other transactional behavior such as making a sale or hoping to gain some other benefit. 

• It's Conditional Behavior: What appears to be kindness or agreeable behavior is conditional based on an anticipated return--even though it might not appear to be conditional at first. If the other person doesn't respond as the "nice guy" expects, he is often onto the next person who might give him what he wants. This often creates resentment. 

• There is Unexpressed Scorekeeping: While a person who engages in genuine altruistic behavior doesn't keep score, a person who engages in transactional behavior usually keeps score about what they have given and what they hope to receive. 

• There is a Shifting Focus: A person who is performatively "nice" is more focused on what they are getting than what they are giving. They often hope to get a lot more than they give.

Healthy vs Unhealthy Transactionalism

    Healthy Transactionalism:

In a professional setting where boundaries and expectations are clear, it's possible for there to be healthy transactionalism. For instance, in most professional settings employees understand they need to be polite and respectful to their boss who provides them raises. There is no manipulation or sneakiness in this setting.

    Unhealthy Transactionalism:

When conditional behavior becomes part of personal relationship, this can be indicative of unhealthy transactionalism. The partner who is being transactional has little emotional investment. Their motivation is self-serving. This can make the other partner feel used and perceive that their partner has little genuine interest in them other than what they can get.

How to Distinguish Genuine Reciprocity From Transactionalism

Genuine reciprocity is a part of all healthy relationships. 

In a healthy relationship there is a give-and-take, but in an unhealthy transactional relationship there are conditional exchanges with one or both people keeping score.

Healthy relationships involve:

• Genuine connection
  

• Open communication
  

A Healthy Relationship

• Mutual generosity

• Genuine trust

• Clear boundaries
  

• An investment of time and energy into the relationship with no other agenda

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Some people are raised to view relationships in a transactional way, but many of them can learn to change.

If you and your partner would like to change the transactional nature of your relationship, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help each of you to develop the necessary traits and skills to have a healthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or call me.

Relationships: Overcoming a Pattern of Emotional Shutdown

There are couples who come to couples therapy where one or both people really believe they don't have emotions.  However, research indicates that all human beings have emotions including happiness, sadness, fear, disgust and surprise regardless of culture (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Emotions to Your Partner?).

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

These emotions are biologically driven and linked to distinct facial expressions, so the capacity for emotions is a shared human experience (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

What is Alexithymia?

It's estimated that anywhere from 5-15% of people have alexithymia, which is a condition where people have difficulty identifying, processing and expressing emotions.  The exact cause of alexithymia is unknown as of this writing. Psychotherapy with a therapist who is trained to treat alexithymia combined with medication is usually the recommended course of treatment.

What's Really Happening For the Other 85-95% of People in Relationships Who Believe They Don't Have Emotions?

What about the other 85-95% of people who don't have alexithymia who say they don't have emotions?

In most other cases, people who believe they don't experience emotions have one of the following problems:

• Emotional Unavailability: People who have experienced traumatic conditions can experience difficulty connecting with and expressing emotions. They might believe they don't have emotions but, in reality, they don't realize their difficulty.

• Emotional Repression: People who repress their emotions, either consciously or unconsciously, suppress their emotions, especially after traumatic incidents.

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• Trauma Response: People who experienced a traumatic event can shut down their emotions as a maladaptive coping mechanism or defense mechanism.

• Learned Behavior: If individuals grew up in a family where they were discouraged from expressing emotions, they often don't learn to identify and express their emotions. This is especially true if a healthy expression of emotions wasn't modeled for them in their family. This learned behavior can be related to the three conditions mentioned above (emotional unavailability, emotional repression and trauma response).

What Are the Underlying Reasons When People Shut Down Their Emotions?

People who shut down their emotions often do so for one or more of the following reasons:

• Fear getting overwhelmed

• Fear of feeling helpless

• Feeling ashamed

• Fear of being rejected

• Fear of being abandoned
  

What is the Impact on a Relationship When One or Both People Suppress Their Emotions?

Shutting down emotions, whether it's done consciously or unconsciously, becomes an obstacle in the relationship:

• Communication breaks down (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship)

• Loss of trust

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• Loneliness, isolation and feelings of neglect for the non-withdrawing partner (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship)

• Resentment grows

• A decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• A negative cycle of withdrawal and feelings of neglect and loneliness for the non-withdrawing partner, which perpetuates the emotional disconnection between the partners. Over time, it becomes increasingly difficult to resolve conflicts.

Clinical Vignette: Overcoming the Negative Cycle of Ongoing Emotional Shutdown

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how this negative cycle develops and how couples therapy can help:

Sandy and Eric

When Sandy and Eric sought help in couples therapy, they were almost ready to file for divorce.

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

At the time, they were together for seven years and married for five. Sandy was the one who suggested they try couples therapy before they split up. 

Sandy told the couples therapist she felt alone in her relationship because Eric wasn't able to express his emotions. As a result, she said, problems that came up weren't resolved because they weren't able to talk about them.

When it was clear to the couples therapist that Eric wasn't alexithymic and he was able to feel and express his emotions in other areas of his life, she asked Eric to become curious about his problems with expressing emotions.

Eric spoke about his family history and how his father often told him when he was growing up that boys who cried were "sissies". 

He told Eric that boys and men should control their emotions and shouldn't allow themselves to feel highs and lows. Instead, according to his father, Eric should focus on being logical and avoid displays of emotions (see my article: Why Family History is Important in Therapy).

Although as an adult, he understood that his father had his own problems with emotions and that he gave him bad advice, Eric didn't know how what he was feeling most of the time so it was hard to talk to Sandy, especially when they were having a disagreement. So, not knowing what else to do, he would withdraw emotionally and sometimes physically as well.

Hearing Eric talking about his difficult childhood, Sandy felt a deep sense of compassion for him and she reached out to hold his hand. When Eric felt the touch of Sandy's hand, his eyes welled up with tears, "I didn't realize until now that I've been so lonely and I've missed being touched by Sandy. I don't want to lose you, Sandy."

Their couples therapist worked with them to help Sandy to be patient and to help Eric to use the mind-body connection to identify and express his emotions. Over time, he learned that when he felt tightness in his throat, he felt sad and when he felt his stomach tighten, he felt fear. 

Gradually, Eric learned to use bodily awareness to identify and express emotions to Sandy and Sandy's empathy helped her to meet Eric halfway. 

As Eric allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable with Sandy, they developed increased emotional intimacy with each other. As emotional intimacy developed, they gradually found their way back to sexual intimacy (see my article: Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability).

EFT Couples Therapy Can Help

Their progress in couples therapy wasn't linear (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

They still experienced problems with communication from time to time when Eric had difficulty being emotionally vulnerable, but they were able to discuss these difficulties and work out the problem.

Conclusion

There can be many reasons why people believe they don't experience emotions, as discussed above but, as mentioned earlier, most human beings are wired for experiencing and expressing emotions.

When emotional shutdown occurs in a relationship, it poses significant stress on the relationship and, over time, can lead to a breakup.

Couples who attend Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) can develop the skills to overcome these difficulties if both people are motivated.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Dealing with relationship problems in couples therapy is easier when couples seek help sooner rather than later because patterns aren't ingrained yet.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Are You a Stonewaller?

How Suppressing Your Emotions Can Lead to Medical and Psychological Problems

How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them

 

 

Expanding Your Perspective About 1ntimacy

Many people think of sex as being exclusively penis-in-vagina (also known as P-in-V), but sex is so much more than P-in-V (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

P-in-V sex for heterosexual couples is one aspect of sex, but it's important to develop a broader perspective about sex, which is the purpose of this article.

Why Is It Important to Develop a Broader Perspective About Sex?

A broader perspective about sex includes:

• A Validation of Non-Penetrative Activities: Non-penetrative sex is also called "outercourse" to distinguish it from intercourse. There are many other non-penetrative sexual activities that are pleasurable. These activities are often referred to as "foreplay", but that word diminishes sexual activities that many people prefer. It's also a narrow heteronormative view of sex that invalidates what many people like (see my article: Changing Your Sex Script).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Improvement in Sexual Satisfaction, Especially For Women: The majority of women don't orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Many of them require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm or for sex to even be pleasurable. Expanding the definition of sex to include other forms of sexual stimulation can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences for women (see my article: To Improve Intimacy, Get Off the Sexual Staircase).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimac

• LGBTQIA+ Experiences: Defining sex as P-in-V invalidates the experiences of gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer and asexual people. An expanded perspective of sex includes all consensual pleasurable activities between partners.

• A Non-Performative Perspective on Sex: Focusing exclusively on penetrative sex can create pressure, anxiety and stress. For instance, when sex is seen as solely penetrative, it can place a lot of pressure on men to maintain an erection, which can develop into an anxiety spiral that creates problems with erections. Broadening the definition of sex allows partners to focus on mutual pleasure rather than performance (see my article: What is Performative Sex?).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Accommodation For Different Abilities and Preferences: For people who have different sexual abilities due to aging, physical pain or other conditions, non-performative sex can be a fulfilling alternative. It also offers other options for couples who might prefer other sexual activities than penetrative sex (see my article: 5 Common Myths About Sex in Long Term Relationships).

Expanding Your Perspective About Intimacy

• An Increase in Emotional Intimacy: Non-performative sex (or outercourse) can enhance emotional connection by emphasizing communication, exploration and intimacy without the pressure of performative sex (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Many individual adults and couples would like to broaden their sexual activities, but they don't know where to start.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy where a sex therapist focuses on sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There are no physical exams, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions. 

If you have been having sexual problems you haven't been able to resolve on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in sex therapy so you can have a more fulfilling sex life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Creating Rituals of Connection to Strengthen Your Relationship

Rituals of connection in relationships are small, intentional acts and routines that couples create to build intimacy, trust and emotional connection (see my article: The Power of Creating Personal Rituals).

Creating Rituals of Connection

What Are Rituals of Connection?

Rituals of connection might include:

• A morning kiss

• A good night kiss

• A kiss any time during the day just because you want to

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Meals together without screens or other distractions

• Date nights

• Massages

• Consistent bedtime routines

• Playing together

• Sharing meaningful memories

• Exercising together

• Daily walks together

• Meditating together

• Romantic texts throughout the day when you're apart

• Expressing appreciation for your partner on a regular basis

• Uninterrupted time each day when you're together with no distractions, including no phones or computers

• Reading poetry or inspirational prose to each other

• A shower or bubble bath together

• Weekend getaways

• Planning vacations together

• Developing your own traditions together

• Celebrating anniversaries and other meaningful occasions

• Creating plans for the future together

Why Are Rituals of Connection Important in Relationships?

Rituals of connection are important to:

• Express your love for one another

• Create a sense of connection

• Develop a sense of comfort and trust

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Create a shared sense of meaning

• Strengthen emotional and sexual intimacy

• Make romance a part of your daily life together

• Show appreciation for each other on a regular basis

• Improve communication
  

• Keep the spark alive
  

• Keep joy alive

How to Create Rituals of Connection For Your Relationship

There are many different ways you can create rituals of connection.

Here are some suggestions you can try:

• Set Aside Time to Talk to Your Partner
• Identity Shared Values and Interests: Talk about what you both enjoy so that the rituals are enjoyable for both of you

Creating Rituals of Connection

• Discuss What the Ritual Will Include: How will it begin and how will it end?

• Start Small: Choose one or two rituals to start and see how that goes for each of you

• Design Your Rituals

• Make Rituals As Simple or Elaborate As You Both Want: Rituals don't have to be a certain way. You can decide together what you want to include. When in doubt, keep it simple.

• Assess What Works: Assess your rituals after a few days or weeks to see what works for both of you and what you might want to change.

• Choose Activities that Build Connection: This can include:

• Daily rituals

• Weekly or monthly rituals

• Rituals that commemorate special occasions

• Be Consistent

• Be consistent so that you and your partner learn to expect these rituals on a regular basis

• Consistency builds regular habits

• Be Flexible

• While you strive to be consistent, be flexible as life circumstances change

• Be intentional but not rigid

• Be Open to New Ways to Strengthen Your Connection
• Be creative

• Be open-minded to new rituals

• Have fun

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Therapist (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are Unmet Expectations Ruining Your Relationship?

Every relationship comes with expectations. Some expectations are clear: Loyalty, honesty, respect and so on (see my article: Relationship Expectations: What is a Good Enough Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean Settling).

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

But in many relationships there are silent expectations that neither partner communicates. Instead they assume the other partner knows and agrees to fulfill them.

These unspoken expectations, which often go unmet, can ruin a relationship (see my article: Do You Expect Your Partner to Be a Mind Reader?).

What Are Silent Expectations?

Silent expectations are unspoken beliefs, assumptions or standards about how one partner expects the other to behave. These silent expectations are often the basis for misunderstandings, disappointments and resentment when these unspoken expectations go unmet. 

How Do Silent Expectations Develop?

Silent expectations develop from family history, cultural norms and prior relationships regarding what love, relationships, respect and commitment should be. 

A partner can mistakenly assume that their partner shares their beliefs and assumptions--even though the expectations haven't been communicated.

Individuals who have silent expectations often feel their partner "should know" what is expected of them.  

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Communicating Their Expectations?

People who avoid communicating their expectations often fear conflict so they don't want to risk confrontations by talking about their emotional needs. This fear is the underlying reason for their silence. 

How Can Silent Expectations Ruin Your Relationship?

Silent expectations can take their toll over time, so if you have unmet expectations you never expressed to your partner, it's important to understand how this situation developed:

• Poor Communication: Silent expectations often go unmet because one or both partners haven't communicated about their expectations.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• An Expectation that Your Partner "Should Know" What You Expect: You might assume your partner knows or should be able to read your mind. But, in reality, your partner might not know. It's not necessarily that your partner doesn't want to meet your needs. They're just unaware of these needs. This usually leads to hurt, anger and disappointment.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Resentment Grows: Over time the resentment about unmet needs can fester and this can ruin a relationship (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

• Emotional Distance Grows: If you have silent expectations that go unmet, you and your partner can become emotionally distant from one another. As a defense against disappointment, walls go up, which makes it even harder to communicate. Over time, you might feel unseen and unheard--even though you haven't communicated your needs. 

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• A Focus on Who You Think Your Partner Should Be and Not Who They Really Are: If this situation persists over time, you can lose sight of who your partner really is because you're focused on what you think your partner should be and how your partner should behave.

• Increased Conflict: Unspoken expectations can lead to arguments and ongoing conflict.

• Stagnation: Unspoken expectations can lead to relationship stagnation as you disengage from one another.

How Can You Prevent Silent Expectations From Ruining Your Relationship?

The best way to prevent silent expectations from ruining your relationship is to be up front at the beginning of your relationship about what you want. 

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

But if you haven't communicated your needs from the start and you realize your resentment is starting to grow, there are steps you can take to keep unmet expectations from ruining your relationship:

• Learn to Develop Realistic Expectations: Take time to assess your expectations:
• Are your expectations realistic? 
• Are your expectations fair?
• Do your expectations need to be adjusted or changed?

• Learn to Communicate Clearly and Directly: Don't assume your partner already knows your expectations. Learn to communicate clearly. Instead of complaining, express your wishes explicitly in a positive and constructive way. For instance, instead of saying, "You never show affection towards me," say "I really love when you're affectionate with me" (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing Your Needs).

• Learn to Deal With Confrontations: If you're avoiding talking about your hopes and expectations because you fear confrontations, you're going to struggle with being in a relationship because confrontations are inevitable. This doesn't mean that confrontations have to be destructive. You and your partner can disagree and still be respectful (see my article: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship).

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Make Adjustments: After you communicate with your partner, you might realize that you each have different expectations. For instance, if you expect your partner to know when you want to be comforted and when you need time to yourself, after you talk to your partner, you might discover that your partner doesn't know when to comfort you and when to give you space. More than likely this is because you don't communicate when you want to be consoled and when you need time to yourself because you expect your partner to know. But your partner isn't a mind reader, so you have to learn to communicate clearly.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Compromise: Your partner might not be able to meet all your expectations. For instance, if you expect your partner to meet all your needs, this is an unrealistic expectation. No one person can meet all of your needs. So, it's important to have other people in your life that can also provide you with emotional support or can join in doing activities that your partner might not enjoy.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Reassess Your Expectations Over Time: Sometimes expectations that were realistic at one point in your life become unrealistic later on, so you need to reassess.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

When resentment builds over time, it can be difficult for a couple to overcome these resentments on their own.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop tools and strategies so you can overcome resentment and strengthen your relationship. 

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist who can help you to develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.