The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

In a prior article I began a discussion about verbal abuse (see my article: The Connection Between "Tough Love" and Verbal Abuse).

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem 

In the current article I'm focusing on how verbal abuse can affect self esteem.

How Does Verbal Abuse Affect Self Esteem?

When children experience verbal abuse, the abuse can have long lasting effects on their self esteem.

Clinical Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many cases, illustrates how verbal abuse can have long lasting effects and how trauma therapy can help:

John

As the youngest child, John grew up in a household where his father yelled and criticized him while his mother, who was intimidated by the father, stood by passively and did nothing. His older siblings would also join in the criticism by bullying John. He grew up feeling that he couldn't do anything right. His self esteem was so low that, even though he was intelligent, he was fearful of raising his hand in class to answer the teachers' questions. He only had one friend who also came from a household where he was verbally abused. 

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

By the time John got to college, he spent most of his time alone until he met Peggy in English class. She was friendly and outgoing and she asked John out on a date. They dated throughout college and both of them planned to move to New York City when they graduated. By then, John's confidence was so low that he was afraid to apply for jobs, so Peggy encouraged him to get help in therapy. 

After he began seeing a trauma therapist, John learned how his father's verbal abuse affected how he felt about himself. His therapist helped John by using EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to help him to overcome the traumatic effects of the childhood verbal abuse.

Nina

Nina was an only child with a single alcoholic mother. She learned to take care of herself at an unusually young age because she couldn't rely on her mother, who was often drunk and passed out. When her mother woke up with a hangover, she would be angry and hostile towards Nina. She would call her names and tell her she wished Nina had never been born. 

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

After one of her teachers suspected that Nina was being abused, she called the Administration For Children's Services Child Protective Services and Nina was eventually placed in kinship foster care with a maternal aunt who lived nearby. 

Although her aunt was much more nurturing, the impact of the mother's verbal abuse had already had a devastating effect on Nina. Even though she was no longer around her mother, Nina had internalized her mother's verbal abuse to such an extent that she was now criticizing herself silently by repeating in her mind, "I'm so stupid" or "I'm no good." 

By the time she was 18, her self esteem was so slow that she told aunt she didn't want to go to college. So, her aunt found Nina a trauma therapist who did AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) to help Nina overcome the impact of her mother's neglect and verbal abuse. After working in trauma therapy, Nina felt more confident and she applied to several colleges. 

Tom

By the time Tom was 35 years old, he had been living an lonely and isolated life for all his life. Growing up as the youngest child, he watched his parents argue constantly and his father frequently left the household for extended periods of time without saying when he would come back. Tom and his older brothers spent most of their time isolated in their own rooms. 

Eventually his older brothers moved out without a word, so Tom was left alone with his combative parents. He tried to stay out of their way, but they would often turn their anger on him by yelling at him and criticizing almost everything he did. As a result, Tom grew up with a lot of shame and low self esteem.  

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

In his mid-30s, he knew he needed to get help in therapy because he was suffering with anxiety and depression, and his self esteem was so low that he lacked the confidence to meet women. So, he sought help from a trauma therapist who did Parts Work Therapy and he began to recover from the impact of his childhood trauma.

Conclusion

The negative impact of verbal abuse experienced in childhood often endures throughout adulthood.

Even though verbal aggression tends to be minimized in our culture, verbal abuse can be just as traumatic as physical or sexual abuse.

The vignettes presented above are just some of the possible ways verbal abuse can be traumatizing. 

Often, adults don't connect their low self esteem, depression or anxiety to their childhood history.  Instead, they might blame themselves or believe they are "not good enough" or they are "unlovable" without ever making the connection to their history or realizing they can get help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have been struggling with low self esteem as a result of unresolved trauma, you can get help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome harmful effects of unresolved trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Are Close Friendships Important?

According to a 2021 American Perspectives Survey, Americans tend to have fewer close friends in recent years than they did in years past (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

The survey also found that Americans talk to friends less often and rely on friends less for emotional support than they did in the past (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

According to the survey, there are reasons for this, including:

• Americans are more mobile than they were before so this makes it difficult to maintain friendships with the consistency that these relationships need.

• Americans are working and traveling more for work which doesn't leave time to develop and foster friendships.

• American parents are spending more time with their children than previous generations so this doesn't allow much time for friendships.

Why Are Close Friendships Important to Your Mental Health?

Close friendships can improve mental health because friendships:

• Reduce Loneliness and Social Isolation: Spending time with friends can help prevent loneliness and social isolation which can have mental health benefits.

• Provide Emotional Support: Friends can help with getting through difficult times and to cope with anxiety, depression, stress and major changes.

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

• Improve Self Esteem: Positive interactions with friends can improve self esteem.

• Foster a Sense of Belonging: Close friends can increase feelings of belonging and community which can help with feeling connected and supported (see my article: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging).

• Increase Happiness and Satisfaction with Life: Close friends can contribute to overall happiness and satisfaction with life.

• Help With Personal Growth: Friendships can challenge you to learn, grow and become a better version of yourself.

• Provide a Sense of Purpose: Close friendship can contribute to a sense of meaning and purpose in life (see my articles: A Search For a Meaningful Life and Living a Meaningful Life).

Why Are Close Friendship Important for Your Physical Health?

Close friendships can improve your physical health benefits because friendships can:

• Improve Cardiovascular Health: Having supportive friends can contribute to having healthier blood pressure and reduce the risk of cardiovascular problems.

Close Friendships Are Important to Your Overall Well-Being

• Enhance Immune Functions: Social support from friends can potentially enhance immune functions which reduce the risk of illness.

• Help Increase Life Expectancy: Studies have indicated that people with strong social connections tend to live longer.

Future Articles:

I'll continue to explore the importance of friendships in future articles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How a Woman's Negative Body Image Can Affect 1ntimacy in a Relationship and How Therapy Can Help

Both men and women can be affected by a negative body image, but it's more common among women (see my article: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life?).

What is a Negative Body Image For Women?

A negative body image refers to body dissatisfaction and a preoccupation with what women perceive as "bodily flaws" and "imperfections."

A Woman With a Negative Body Image

This means women are often unhappy about how they look, so they think they must change their body in terms of size and/or shape.  

How Does a Negative Body Image Develop For Women?

Western culture tends to value girls' and women's bodies that are young and thin.  

This is easily observed in social media, like Instagram, in magazines and many other forms of media (see my article: How to Stop Negatively Comparing Yourself to Others).

Girls and women get the message early on that, in order to appear attractive, they must strive to maintain a youthful and thin appearance or they won't be desirable.

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Start at a Young Age

Unfortunately, many girls get the same message in their homes where one or both parents, grandparents or siblings criticize them for not having what they consider the "ideal" body.  

Women's romantic and sexual partners might also be critical of a woman's body--even if they try to frame their criticism as "I'm just trying to help you."

All of this criticism about body image can cause self consciousness, shame and guilt as women strive to live up to a standard of beauty that is often unattainable for most people.

How Can a Negative Body Image Affect Mental Health?

Girls and women who feel unattractive because their body doesn't look a particular way are more likely to develop depression, anxiety, low self esteem and eating disorders.

They might develop anxiety about social situations where they fear they'll be judged.

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Affect Her Mental Health

They might also avoid going to the beach because they feel too ashamed of people looking at them critically in a bathing suit.

They might also avoid dating and/or sexual encounters because they fear their body will be judged.

All of this social avoidance can leave them feeling isolated and lonely.

How Can a Negative Body Image Affect Emotional and Sexual Intimacy in a Relationship?

A negative body image can have a negative impact on emotional and sexual intimacy in a relationship.

Women who feel ashamed of their body might avoid having sex for fear of being judged by their partner or, if they have sex, they might be too anxious and self conscious to enjoy it. 

A Woman's Negative Body Issues Can Affect Her Relationship

If they do have sex with a partner, they might just go through the motions and hope to get through sex as quickly as possible.

They might also project their dissatisfaction with their body onto their romantic and sexual partners, which can cause women to believe that their partner feels disgusted by their body when, in fact, this often isn't the case.

All of this can lead to poor relationship and sexual satisfaction for both partners. 

In many cases, the woman might be too ashamed to talk about her poor body image issues so that the partner might assume that her emotional and sexual avoidance is due to her finding him less attractive and desirable.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette shows the impact of a woman's negative body issues and how sex therapy can help:

June and Mark

When June was growing up, her mother would monitor everything that she ate from the time June was 10 years old.  

Her mother was also preoccupied with her own food consumption and weight. She would exercise several times a day to burn off the calories she ingested.

Her mother would often caution June not to eat too much, "If you eat too much and get fat, the boys won't like you."

June's older sister, Marie, who was tall and thin, would also criticize June when they were both teenagers, "You're too fat. You need to go on a diet."

Even though June's doctor told her and her mother that June was a normal weight for her age, June continued to hear criticism about being fat from both her mother and sister while her father remained silent on the topic.

By the time June was in her early 30s and in a serious relationship with Mark, she worried that he would find her unattractive--even though he reassured her many times that he found her very attractive.

Due to her negative body image, she never initiated sex, which was a source of contention between her and Mark. 

Even though she knew objectively that Mark wouldn't reject her because he never did, on an emotional level she feared that he wouldn't want to have sex with her if she was the one who initiated. She felt that if he initiated sex, she knew he wanted to be sexual and she wouldn't have to face his rejection, even though she knew this was irrational.

No matter how much Mark tried to reassure June that he loved her and he found her very attractive, she couldn't overcome her fear.

During sex, June felt so ashamed of her body that she just wanted them to get through it as quickly as possible so she could cover herself up. 

After a while, Mark felt less inclined to initiate sex, so weeks and months went by where they weren't having sex.

When they began talking about moving in together, Mark brought up their nonexistent sex life and suggested they get help in sex therapy before they considered living together.

Although June felt hesitant to attend sex therapy because she didn't know what to expect, she agreed to attend these sessions with Mark to salvage their relationship.

During sex therapy sessions, their sex therapist told them how common it is for women to have a negative image of their body.

She also explained to them that sex therapy is a form of talk therapy and there would be no physical touch, nudity or physical exams during their sessions.

Their sex therapist worked with them as a couple and she also had individual sessions with June and Mark.

During June's family history session, June realized how her upbringing affected her perception of her body.  

Their sex therapist also helped June to challenge these views through Ego States Therapy, also known as Parts Work Therapy, by asking the critical part of herself to step aside and relax so that the positive parts of herself could be strengthened and help to affirm her body image (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Can Empower You).

Their therapist also helped June to use mindfulness and self compassion to deal with her negative perception of her body (see my article: How Mindfulness and Self Compassion Can Help With Body Acceptance).

She also helped June to focus on sexual pleasure during solo sex and sex with Mark instead of focusing on her body as the couple resumed having sex again.

Gradually, June developed body self acceptance and a positive erotic self (see my articles: Keeping an Erotic Journal For Sexual Self Discovery and What is Your Erotic Blueprint?).

After a while, June felt comfortable enough with her body to initiate sex with Mark so that sex was more pleasurable for both of them.

The work was neither quick nor easy, but both June and Mark were motivated to attend sessions and make changes.

Over time, June and Mark's emotional bond and sexual relationship were strengthened.

Whenever June felt the negative part of herself that was critical of her body creeping in, she gently asked it to step aside so the healthier parts of herself could take precedence.  

After a while, the part of herself that was critical of her body came up less and less until it stopped altogether.

Mark also learned in sex therapy how to be more sexually affirming of June in the way he related to her.

Their successful work in sex therapy enabled them to move in together and have a satisfying emotional and sexual connection.

Conclusion

Men and women can have negative feelings about their body.  For men, this might include shame about penis size, height and other physical characteristics and distortions.

This article focuses on women's negative body issues, which can develop at an early age, because negative body issues are more prevalent among women.

A negative body image which is affecting emotional and sexual intimacy is a common issue  that is dealt with in sex therapy.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Whether you are single or in a relationship, if you're suffering with a negative body issue, you're not alone.

Get Help in Sex Therapy

If a negative body issue is having an impact on how you feel about yourself as a sexual being, sex therapy can be helpful.

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or physical contact during sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many individuals and couples are helped in sex therapy for a variety of issues (see my article: 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are the Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater?

Serial cheaters are often hard to identify and even harder to avoid.  During the early stage of a monogamous relationship, they might be charming, caring, and attentive.  But as time goes on and the relationship moves beyond that early passionate stage, known as the limerence stage, serial cheaters often reveal their true colors (see my article: Telltale Signs You're in a Relationship With a Womanizer).

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

What is a Serial Cheater?

Serial cheaters often have the following characteristics:

• Numerous Infidelities in the Past: People who have cheated in past are more likely to cheat again in their current relationship. This isn't someone who makes a mistake while they're drunk during a business trip away from home.  This is someone who consistently cheats on their partner when there's an explicit agreement to be faithful. They might even talk about their previous infidelities and give many reasons why they felt justified in cheating. The more they justify their history of cheating, the more likely they'll cheat again (see my articles: Understanding the Emotional Dynamics of Men Who Are Players and Coping With Infidelity).

• A Fear of Commitment: A fear of commitment might be rooted in prior traumatic experiences in relationships, especially experiences that occurred early on.  This doesn't mean that cheating is justified or should be condoned. Knowing the root of the problem is a way to understand how someone might have become a serial cheater.

• A Pattern of Blaming Their Previous Partners: Another way that serial cheaters justify in their own minds and to others why they cheated is by blaming their former partners.  Often, you'll hear them say, "She drove me crazy" or "He was too difficult to get along with so I started cheating." Objectively, none of these reasons justifies cheating, but it might help to ease a serial cheater's guilt and shame (assuming they feel guilt and healthy shame), and they can use these justifications to convince you it was justified or, at least, understandable. But don't fall for it.

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

• A Tendency to Be Secretive With Their Phones: Whether this involves refusing to give their partner access to their phones (or computers) or other ways they try to keep their technology private, serial cheaters can go to great lengths to safeguard their privacy so you don't find out they're cheating.  They might cover their phones in front of you, leave the room to take phone calls, text someone else while they think you're not paying attention or try to hide incoming phone calls or texts.  If you ask them about this, they might become defensive and annoyed (see my article: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship).

• Promises to Change: People do change. But serial cheaters often don't. They often make grand gestures about how they're "different" now that they're in a relationship with you.  And while this might be the case, you would be wise to exercise healthy skepticism until you can be sure.

• Projections and Distractions: Serial cheaters often accuse their faithful partner of cheating as a way to project their own behavior onto the partner and distract the partner from finding out about their own cheating. 

• A Pattern of Avoidance and Procrastination: Serial cheaters often don't talk about a long term future with you.  They might make many excuses for why they don't want to talk about taking the next step in the relationship, but the real reason is usually they don't want a long term committed relationship--at the same time that they might be telling you that they do.

Telltale Signs of a Serial Cheater

• Flirtatious Behavior With Others: Serial cheaters often flirt with many other people--sometimes even in front of you.  They might compliment other people, touch them or laugh with them.  If you confront them about this behavior, they'll often say, "I was just being friendly" and accuse you of being "too jealous."

• A Pattern of Lying: Serial cheaters tend to lie a lot.  Lying helps them to try to fool and manipulate you (if you allow it).  If you've caught your partner in lies before, chances are they'll lie again, especially if they try to defend their behavior. Lies include lies of omission where they conveniently leave out certain details like where they were or who they were with to hide that they're cheating.

• A Tendency to Hop From One Relationship to the Next: Serial cheaters tend to prefer superficial relationships, including no strings attached relationships or Friends With Benefits.  When they get tired of a relationship, they tend to leave that one and easily move on to the next one.

• A Pattern of Inconsistency and Lack of Reliability: If you're with a serial cheater, they might be juggling multiple relationships that you don't know about.  As a result, you might get frequent cancellations at the last minute or they're chronically late because they've scheduled a few other romantic or sexual partners into their schedule.

Conclusion

It takes a while to get to know a romantic partner.  

The telltale signs of a serial cheater aren't always easily detected during the early stage of a relationship.  When the relationship is still new and exciting, they might not cheat.  But once the new relationship energy has worn off and they become bored, they often find it difficult not to give into the impulse to cheat.

While it's true that people do change, serial cheaters often don't change.  

If you try to focus your energy on changing them, you'll most likely be disappointed.  So, focus on taking care of yourself.

Also, if you're the one who has problems with cheating, see my article: How to Stop Cheating and Repair Your Relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy

Recovering from infidelity can be very challenging.  Not only is it emotionally painful, but it can also erode your self esteem and your health.

After you have ended a relationship with a serial cheater, the experience of that relationship can make it difficult for you to trust other potential partners in the future.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional to work through feelings of pain and betrayal so you can regain a healthy sense of self.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

Most people are familiar with the concept of self esteem, which is how you see yourself in terms of deserving love and being capable of handling life's many challenges.

Sexual Self Esteem

As it turns out, self esteem affects every area of your life:

• How you feel about yourself
• What you feel you deserve
• How lovable/unlovable you feel
• Whether you get into healthy or unhealthy relationships
• What career choices you make
• How you feel about yourself sexually

What is Sexual Self Esteem?

We are all sexual beings.

Sexual Self Esteem

Sexual self esteem includes: 

• How sexually attuned you are to your body

• Whether your relationship to your body is positive, negative or a mix

• Your openness to sexual self discovery

• Whether you see yourself as a sexually appealing individual

• Whether you believe you deserve a satisfying and enjoyable sex life

• Whether you feel sexually confident

• How capable you feel about giving yourself sexual pleasure during solo sex/masturbation

• How much sexual confidence you feel when you're having sex with your sexual partner(s)

• Whether you make healthy sexual choices, which is part of high sexual self esteem, or poor sexual choices, which is part of low sexual self esteem.  

What Factors Affect Your Sexual Self Esteem?

Your sexual self esteem can be affected by:

• What your psychological and emotional history in your family of origin

• Whether you were taught that you are a lovable, capable person who deserves to be happy

• What your sexual developmental history was including, among other things:
• How you learned about sex and what you were taught

• What you were taught about your sexuality and your body

• Whether sexual boundaries in your family and with others were healthy or unhealthy

• Whether you were sexually, physically or emotionally abused

• What you experienced in your prior sexual and romantic relationships

• Whether or not you had positive experiences in your first romantic and sexual relationships 
  
  
• Other related issues

How Does Your Self Esteem Affect Your Sexuality?

• Your Sexual Choices: People with high sexual esteem usually make positive choices, and people with low sexual self esteem often make poor choices. An example of a poor choice might be going along with a sexual partner's wish not to practice safe sex when you really wanted to be safe.

• Self Confidence: You're more likely to have a satisfying sex life when your self confidence is high.  This includes both solo sex and partner sex.

• Body Image: Whereas having high sexual self esteem allows you to generally have a positive regard for your body, having low sexual self esteem can make you feel self conscious about your body image.

Sexual Self Esteem Can Change Over the Course of Your Life

Sexual self esteem can change over time--from negative to positive as well as from positive to negative.

Most of us are bombarded by images and concepts on social media, magazines, television and other outside sources about what is considered beautiful or sexy, which leads to unhealthy comparisons.

Sexual Self Esteem and the Aging Process

The aging process can be a positive or a negative factor in terms of sexual self esteem.  If a person derives their sexual self confidence based on sources outside him or herself, their sexual self confidence can suffer, especially if they allow negative concepts about aging and attractiveness to affect them.

Sexual Self Esteem and the Aging Process

Being able to maintain a positive self regard for your inner qualities as well as cherishing your body and overall sexuality will help you to develop and maintain a high degree of sexual self esteem.

Developing Healthy Sexual Self Esteem

There are steps you can take on your own to bolster your sexual self esteem, including

• Monitoring your internal dialogue about yourself and being aware of negative self talk

• Keeping a journal to express how you feel about yourself sexually

• Being aware of peak erotic experiences that gave you sexual pleasure--whether they were alone or with partners

• Educating yourself about sexuality through books, podcasts or other forms of healthy sex education

• Developing an awareness of your erotic orientation

• Developing an awareness of your erotic blueprint

• Understanding your sexual turn-ons and turn-offs alone and with partners

• Getting to know your emotional aphrodisiacs

• Being aware of what you're willing and unwilling to do sexually and being able to communicate that to sexual partners

• Focusing on sexual pleasure and not sexual performance both in solo sex and in partner sex

When to Seek Help in Sex Therapy

If you have been unable to increase your sexual confidence on your own with self help techniques, you could benefit from help in sex therapy.

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, where the sex therapist focuses on the sexual issues of individuals and people in relationships. 

There is no physical exam, nudity or physical touch involved in sex therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy? and Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy).

You deserve to have a fulfilling sex life.

You can free yourself of the obstacles that are keeping you from having a fulfilling sex life when you work with a skilled sex therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Taking Back Your Personal Power

In a prior article I began a discussion about giving away your personal power to someone who isn't treating you well (see my article: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?).  In this article I'm continuing this topic to discuss how you can take back your personal power.

Taking Back Your Personal Power

Taking Back Your Personal Power

• Focus on Yourself:  First, rather than focusing on your significant other and what s/he might or might not be doing, focus on yourself and how you might be giving away your personal power.  While this can be difficult to do, it's an important first step and can't be ignored.  Rather than complaining about being mistreated, ask yourself how you're contributing to this and keeping it going.  For people who are accustomed to seeing themselves as being victimized, this might sound harsh.  This isn't to say that your significant other might not have some real power over you--whether it's financial or threatening to take your child away, and so on.  But, even if this is the case, you need to start with yourself because somewhere along the way you've lost sight of yourself in this situation.  This requires you to be honest with yourself.

• Ask Yourself If You're Being Objective About Yourself, Your Significant Other and the Relationship:  In my prior article, I discussed how people who give away their power often idealize their significant other and give him or her attributes that aren't really there in order to be able to bask in the significant other's light.  When these attributes aren't there or are greatly exaggerated, you're in denial about your significant other, your relationship and yourself.  Have you received feedback from others who are familiar with the situation and who have expressed misgivings about how your significant other is treating you?  Pretend that you're looking at the same relationship, but instead of you being in the relationship, pretend that it's your best friend.  What advice would you give him or her?  

• Ask Yourself If You're Making Yourself Small in Order to Make Your Significant Other Big:  It's common for people who get into emotionally abusive relationships to diminish their own positive traits in order to make their significant other look good.  If you're unable to be objective, ask close friends and loved ones that you trust about the positive traits they see in you.  Are you able to take their comments in or do you feel uncomfortable?  Was there a time when you felt good about yourself?  When was that?  How was that time different from now?

• Ask Yourself If You Tend to See Yourself as a Victim:  While it might be true that you were victimized as a child when you were really powerless, as an adult, you're capable of taking yourself out of the victim role.  Sometimes, people who are accustomed to being in the victim role unconsciously find romantic partners who will be emotionally abusive in order to stay in the victim role.  This is difficult for most people to overcome on their own, and it usually requires working through the early emotional trauma in psychotherapy.

• Ask Yourself If You're Blaming Others For Your Problems in the Relationships: Are you blaming your significant other, his or her family or your family for the emotional abuse that you're experiencing and for your own inertia?  When you blame others, you disempower yourself.  Ask yourself what you can do to take some responsibility and, in effect, take back your personal power (see my article: Empowering Yourself When You Feel Disempowered).

• Ask Yourself If You've Given Up Your Dreams to Be in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: When someone is in an emotionally abusive relationship, it often affects every area of their life--not just the relationship.  Maybe you had dreams to pursue higher education or training for a different career and the emotional abuse that you've experienced has eroded your self confidence so that you're no longer pursuing your dreams.  Will you look back at your life when you're older and regret this?

• Ask Yourself If You're So Intent on People Pleasing That You're in Denial About the Emotional Abuse:  People pleasing is a trait that often begins at an early age and continues into adulthood unless someone gets help to overcome it.  It's common for people who people please to be in denial about emotional abuse in their relationship in order to maintain the status quo.   Denial can be very powerful and it will be necessary for you to try to be as objective as you can be. Many people who are in emotionally abusive relationships "let off steam" by complaining to friends.  Then, after they have vented to friends, they feel better and go right back into the same situation with their significant other and right back into denial.

• Ask Yourself What You're Getting Out of Your Relationship:  Often, people remain in unhealthy relationships because they're afraid to be alone and lonely.  They rationalize that it's better to be with someone who mistreats them to be with no one at all.  They also fear that they'll never meet anyone else.  Ask yourself if whatever you're getting out of the relationship is worth a loss of self esteem and self respect.

• Keep a Journal: When you're in denial about your problems, it's easy to "forget" the times when you were emotionally abused in your relationship, especially right after you and your significant other make up and you're both feeling good again.  Usually, there is a predictable cycle to emotional abuse and if you keep a journal and write about the times when you're accepting the emotional abuse, it might help you to develop a more objective perspective about the role you're playing in all of this.  Make sure that wherever you keep the journal that it's safe and secure so that it will remain private.

Get Help in Therapy
Everyone needs help at some point.

People who are ambivalent about a relationship where they're not being treated well can go back and forth for years trying to decide what to do.

In the meantime, as time goes by, most people in emotionally abusive relationships feel worse and worse about themselves over time.  Shame is also a big factor, and it can cause you to turn away from friends and loved ones who want to help you.

Unconscious emotions often play a big role in keeping people stuck in unhealthy relationships, and becoming aware of these unconscious emotions is very difficult to do on your own.

Rather than continuing to suffer on your own, get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Once you've taken back your personal power, you feel entitled to be treated well and can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.