The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

In a prior article I began a discussion about verbal abuse (see my article: The Connection Between "Tough Love" and Verbal Abuse).

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem 

In the current article I'm focusing on how verbal abuse can affect self esteem.

How Does Verbal Abuse Affect Self Esteem?

When children experience verbal abuse, the abuse can have long lasting effects on their self esteem.

Clinical Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many cases, illustrates how verbal abuse can have long lasting effects and how trauma therapy can help:

John

As the youngest child, John grew up in a household where his father yelled and criticized him while his mother, who was intimidated by the father, stood by passively and did nothing. His older siblings would also join in the criticism by bullying John. He grew up feeling that he couldn't do anything right. His self esteem was so low that, even though he was intelligent, he was fearful of raising his hand in class to answer the teachers' questions. He only had one friend who also came from a household where he was verbally abused. 

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

By the time John got to college, he spent most of his time alone until he met Peggy in English class. She was friendly and outgoing and she asked John out on a date. They dated throughout college and both of them planned to move to New York City when they graduated. By then, John's confidence was so low that he was afraid to apply for jobs, so Peggy encouraged him to get help in therapy. 

After he began seeing a trauma therapist, John learned how his father's verbal abuse affected how he felt about himself. His therapist helped John by using EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) to help him to overcome the traumatic effects of the childhood verbal abuse.

Nina

Nina was an only child with a single alcoholic mother. She learned to take care of herself at an unusually young age because she couldn't rely on her mother, who was often drunk and passed out. When her mother woke up with a hangover, she would be angry and hostile towards Nina. She would call her names and tell her she wished Nina had never been born. 

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

After one of her teachers suspected that Nina was being abused, she called the Administration For Children's Services Child Protective Services and Nina was eventually placed in kinship foster care with a maternal aunt who lived nearby. 

Although her aunt was much more nurturing, the impact of the mother's verbal abuse had already had a devastating effect on Nina. Even though she was no longer around her mother, Nina had internalized her mother's verbal abuse to such an extent that she was now criticizing herself silently by repeating in her mind, "I'm so stupid" or "I'm no good." 

By the time she was 18, her self esteem was so slow that she told aunt she didn't want to go to college. So, her aunt found Nina a trauma therapist who did AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) to help Nina overcome the impact of her mother's neglect and verbal abuse. After working in trauma therapy, Nina felt more confident and she applied to several colleges. 

Tom

By the time Tom was 35 years old, he had been living an lonely and isolated life for all his life. Growing up as the youngest child, he watched his parents argue constantly and his father frequently left the household for extended periods of time without saying when he would come back. Tom and his older brothers spent most of their time isolated in their own rooms. 

Eventually his older brothers moved out without a word, so Tom was left alone with his combative parents. He tried to stay out of their way, but they would often turn their anger on him by yelling at him and criticizing almost everything he did. As a result, Tom grew up with a lot of shame and low self esteem.  

The Traumatic Impact of Verbal Abuse on Self Esteem

In his mid-30s, he knew he needed to get help in therapy because he was suffering with anxiety and depression, and his self esteem was so low that he lacked the confidence to meet women. So, he sought help from a trauma therapist who did Parts Work Therapy and he began to recover from the impact of his childhood trauma.

Conclusion

The negative impact of verbal abuse experienced in childhood often endures throughout adulthood.

Even though verbal aggression tends to be minimized in our culture, verbal abuse can be just as traumatic as physical or sexual abuse.

The vignettes presented above are just some of the possible ways verbal abuse can be traumatizing. 

Often, adults don't connect their low self esteem, depression or anxiety to their childhood history.  Instead, they might blame themselves or believe they are "not good enough" or they are "unlovable" without ever making the connection to their history or realizing they can get help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have been struggling with low self esteem as a result of unresolved trauma, you can get help in trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome harmful effects of unresolved trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Self Confidence: Feeling Confident Enough to Choose a Healthy Relationship

In my prior article, What Are Green Flags in Healthy Relationships?, I discussed the positive qualities to look for in a person when you want to be in a healthy relationship. Aside from the qualities you might want in the other person, you also need to have a strong sense of your own self worth (see my articles: What is Low Self Esteem?  and Overcoming Self Doubt That Keeps You Stuck).

Making Healthy Relationship Choices

Needless to say, no one chooses to have low self esteem, but early unresolved trauma can leave you feeling unworthy and vulnerable as an adult to making poor relationship choices (see my articles:  How Trauma Affects Relationships and Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?)

Along with a low sense of self worth, unresolved trauma can also affect your attachment style in relationships (see my articles: What is Your Attachment Style?).

What Do Self Confident People Do to Be in a Healthy Relationships?

The following is a list of some of things that confident people do in order to have a healthy relationship:

• Set Healthy Boundaries: Confident people set healthy boundaries with the people in their life, including people they're dating or seeing in a relationship. They understand their own healthy emotional needs, they know what they need in a relationship and they're able to assert their needs in a positive way. They won't compromise away their needs or put up with ongoing bad behavior.  They don't lose themselves in a relationship and they don't abandon parts of themselves to be with someone who isn't treating them well (see my articles: Relationships: Setting Healthy Boundaries, What is Self Abandonment? and Losing Yourself in a Relationship).

• Accept Responsibility For Their Own Emotional Needs: Since they know their needs, they're able to assess if these needs are being met in their relationship.  If, ultimately, the relationship is at a dead end, rather than spending time pressuring, blaming and shaming their partner, they take responsibility for getting their needs met. 

• Accept Responsibility For Their Behavior and Making Necessary Changes: Although they won't compromise what they know is essential to their emotional needs, confident people are emotionally secure enough to take an honest look at their own behavior, make repairs in their relationship, and make positive changes in themselves. They're not threatened when their partner expresses their healthy emotional needs. They're open to listening in an attuned way.

• Remain Confident in Themselves Without Constant Reassurance: Although everyone enjoys hearing words of appreciation, confident people don't need constant reassurance that they're attractive, smart, talented, and so on, because they're secure enough in themselves. They know their self worth and they're not dependent upon other people to keep reassuring them.  

• Feel Comfortable Being Alone: People who have a positive sense of self worth aren't afraid to be alone. They enjoy their own company and the solitude it brings. This doesn't mean that they might not want to be in a relationship with someone special.  Instead, it means they're willing to wait for an emotionally healthy person to come along who can meet their needs rather than being desperate and settling for someone who isn't right for them (see my article: Solitude vs Loneliness).

• Choose Relationships Wisely: Rather than just allowing charm, good looks, status or other superficial qualities to be their guide when they're choosing a mate, confident people use both their heart and their head. They're not in denial or engaged in wishful thinking that clouds their judgement (see my article:  Wishful Thinking Leads to Poor Relationship Choices and 7 Tips So You Don't Rush Into Relationship).

• Get Out of Unhealthy Relationships: No one is infallible when it comes to choosing a relationship, but someone who is confident usually doesn't remain in an unhealthy relationship. Rather than wasting a lot of time trying to change their partner, once it becomes clear that their partner is unwilling or unable to give them what they need, they get out of the relationship. This is sometimes easier said than done, but the point is not to waste time (see my article: How Do You Know If You're in an Unhealthy Relationship? and Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship?).

Developing a Confident Self

When children grow up in a family where they're loved and affirmed with good enough parenting, they grow up to have a healthy sense of self and a secure attachment style (see my article: What Are the Characteristics of a Healthy Family?).

Attachment research indicates that about 50-60% of people develop a secure attachment style. That leaves 40-50% of people who have an insecure attachment style.

Just because you didn't develop a secure attachment style when you were growing up doesn't mean you're doomed to remain a person who is insecurely attached in relationships.  People, who are lucky enough to be in a relationship with loving person who has a secure attachment style, have a possibility of developing an earned secure attachment. 

For other people who are not so fortunate or where a relationship with a person who has secure attachment makes no difference, psychotherapy can help to develop an earned secure attachment style (see my article: Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).

Getting Help in Therapy

Working through unresolved trauma can help you to feel more confident and deserving of a healthy relationship.

Part of working through early trauma is working on attachment issues that could be making you feel either insecure or avoidant in terms of how you feel about yourself and your dynamics in a relationship (see my article: The Holding Environment in Psychotherapy).

A skilled trauma therapist can help you develop the tools and skills you need so you can lead a more meaningful life (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome unresolved trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Future Regret

Many people allow their fear of failure to create obstacles in their life.  They're so afraid of what other people would think of them if they fail that they refuse to take even the most well thought out calculated risks.  Refusing to take even relatively safe risks can lead to regret in the future, so it's important to understand the root of your fears so that you don't pass up opportunities in your life only to regret it later on (see my article: Fear of Making Mistakes and Overcoming Low Self Esteem).

Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Future Regret

What Fear of Failure?
Fear of failure isn't a diagnosis.  It's an experience that many people have that often gets in the way of  their setting goals, planning or taking advantage of opportunities.

Shame is often at the core of fear of failure.  People who experience fear of failure often doubt their own capabilities even when, objectively, they are quite capable.  Self doubt causes them to back away from taking any risks.  As previously mentioned, people who experience a pervasive fear of failure often worry that if they fail, other people won't like them and they will abandon them.

The root causes of fear of failure often begin in childhood with parents who are either risk averse or who unknowingly undermine their children.

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Potential Regret

Renee
Renee started psychotherapy because she was having a lot of anxiety about a major decision she was facing.

She told her psychotherapist that her director offered her a promotion with a big increase in salary for what Renee considered her "dream job" in New York City.

Although her director had a lot of confidence in Renee's ability to take on this new job, Renee had doubts and she wondered if she should remain in her current job which she could do easily rather than taking a chance on this new job and risk failing.

When her director told Renee that she had a month to consider whether or not she wanted the promotion and relocation to New York City, she became highly anxious.  She ruminated about the decision and went back and forth in her mind.

She feared that if she would be in over her head in the new job and that she would disappoint her family, friends, director and colleagues.  She also feared that the people in her life would no longer respect her if she failed.

Her close friends, who knew Renee's experience and capabilities, urged her to take the job. They had confidence in Renee's skills and expertise, and they also knew that she had always wanted to live in New York.

But her parents urged Renee not to take the promotion.  They both feared that there was too much at stake with regard to Renee's career and if she didn't succeed, she might be terminated.  Her mother advised Renee to stay where she was safe in her current job rather than risk failing.

As Renee spoke with her psychotherapist, she told her that her parents were anxious people who were very risk averse.  Her father remained in the same job for 30 years, even though he was offered promotions, because he was afraid of failing.  Her mother once had dreams as a young woman of being a designer, but she never pursued her dreams because she feared the humiliation if she didn't succeed.

Each of her parents often spoke about "what if" they had gone further in life, but their regrets were fear outweighed by their need to be "safe" and not take risks.

Renee's psychotherapist asked her to try to put aside her fears and imagine what she might actually like about the new promotion.

At first, it was difficult for Renee to imagine enjoying her promotion, but when she managed to put aside her fears, her face lit up and she seemed energized.  She talked about taking on new and exciting challenges, making a lot more money, and realizing her dream of living in New York City.

As Renee and her psychotherapist weighed the risks vs. the benefits, it soon became clear to Renee that the benefits far outweighed the risks.  She also knew, when she thought about it objectively, that she could get another job that was similar to the job she was currently doing if things didn't work out with the promotion.

When she thought objectively about what the worst thing would be if the new job didn't work out, at first, she thought about how humiliated she would feel.  But, as she continued to discuss this with her psychotherapist, she realized that her friends and family would be emotionally supportive whether she succeeded or failed.

As she continued to talk to her psychotherapist about the promotion, Renee felt excited about the new opportunity, and she decided to accept the promotion.

In the interim, she and her psychotherapist worked on stress management techniques to help Renee to manage her fear and anxiety.  Her psychotherapist also recommended that when Renee moved to New York City that she find another psychotherapist to work on the deeper underlying issues that contributed to her fear of failure.

A few months after Renee was settled into her new job and new apartment in New York City, she sought help from a psychotherapist who helped clients with fear of failure.

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret

They were able to trace Renee's fear of failure back to her early childhood when her parents discouraged her from taking even the most basic risks.

Renee also remembered that her mother often expressed doubts about her abilities even when Renee was in elementary school.  Renee's sense was that her mother was being overly protective and she unknowingly caused Renee to doubt herself.  Renee had internalized her parents' fears.

Her psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work on Renee's fears, which included her past fears, her current fears, and her anticipated fear of failure for the future (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

As Renee was working through her fear of failure with EMDR therapy, she also set limits with her parents, especially her mother, who tended to call Renee in a state of worry and panic about Renee's new promotion.  She told her mother that she appreciated her mother's concern, but her phone calls were making her anxious and her mother needed to stop talking about all the things she feared would go wrong for Renee.

As Renee continued to work with her psychotherapist using EMDR, over time, she became more confident in her ability to do her job.  She started to let go of her fear of failure and address these issues that were under her control rather than worrying about things that weren't under her control (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Over time, Renee's confidence increased, and she received positive feedback from her new director in New York.  She also became increasingly aware that if she had turned down the promotion out of fear, she would have regretted it in the long run.  This was an important lesson for Renee with regard to balancing fear of failure vs. potential regret.

Conclusion
Life is short.  One of the common regrets expressed by older people who are close to death is that they wish they had taken more risks and not worried about what other people thought of them.

Fear of failure often has its roots in early childhood.  Whether it involved growing up with critical parents who unknowingly undermine their child's self confidence or living with risk averse parents who convey that the world is a dangerous place, children learn to fear failure and carry that fear into adulthood.

Getting Help in Therapy
Balancing fear of failure and potential regret is difficult to do if you're not aware of the underlying issues involved.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to get to the root of your problems so that you can work through your fears (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than passing up opportunities that you will regret later on, you can address your fear of failure in psychotherapy so that you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of failure.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself

Psychological trauma, especially developmental trauma, usually has a negative impact on your perception of yourself.  This is one of the reasons why your beliefs about yourself are addressed in trauma therapy. 

For instance, in EMDR therapy, an important part of therapy is asking about your negative belief about yourself in relation to the traumatic memories that you and your psychotherapist are working on.

How Developmental Trauma Affects How You Feel About Yourself

It's not unusual for people who have experienced developmental trauma, which is childhood trauma, to have one of the following beliefs about themselves:

• "I'm unlovable."
• "I'm powerless."
• "I'm no good."
• "I'm a terrible person."
• "I'm weak."

and so on.

Objectively, these same people might know that their beliefs about themselves are distorted but, at the same time, they still have these negative self perceptions, and trying to rationalize it away doesn't help them.

Clinical Vignette: How Psychological Trauma Affects Your Perception of Yourself
The following clinical vignette illustrates these points:

Cindy
Cindy decided to start psychotherapy because she knew that her low self esteem was creating problems for her in her personal life as well as in her career.

Whenever she dated a man that she really liked, she worried that after he got to know her, he wouldn't like her and he would stop seeing her.  There wasn't anything in particular she dreaded that he would find out.  It was more a general feeling that she had about herself (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Wouldn't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

As a marketing representative, she often had creative ideas about how to market the company's products, but she hesitated to talk to her manager about her ideas because she second guessed herself.  But when one of her colleagues came up with a similar idea and received praise from the manager, Cindy regretted that she didn't speak up when she had the idea.

When Cindy started therapy, she didn't know why she had such low self esteem but, as she talked to her psychotherapist about her family background, she began to see the connection between her low self esteem and her childhood history.

She told her psychotherapist that she was aware from a young age that her parents never wanted to have children and she was considered "a mistake."

Her parents provided for her basic needs, but they weren't loving and nurturing towards her.  She spent most of her time with her nanny or the housekeeper because her parents told her that they were too busy to spend time with her (see my articles: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and What is the Connection Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Problems Later On As An Adult?).

As an only child, Cindy often felt lonely.  She used to love going to her best friend's house because her friend's mother was kind and affectionate.  Her friend's mother would read stories to Cindy and her friend and play with them.

After Cindy moved out to go to college, she never moved back home again.  Instead, she and some of her college roommates got an apartment together in New York City and shared the rent.  She went home on holidays for the "obligatory family visits," but her relationship with her parents remained strained (see my article: How to Cope With Difficult Family Visits).

As Cindy and her psychotherapist talked about her memories of childhood, Cindy realized that ever since she could remember, she felt unlovable.

Even as a child, she felt that if she was a lovable child, her parents would care more about her.  She blamed herself for their emotional neglect, as young children often do.

At her psychotherapist's suggestion, Cindy chose a childhood memory to work on with EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) that was emblematic of her childhood experiences (see my articles: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and EMDR Therapy: When Talk Therapy Isn't Enough).

Cindy was five years old in this memory.  She remembered that it was a rainy day so she couldn't go outside, and she felt lonely and bored at home, so she told her mother that she felt "all alone" and "bored."

She hoped that her mother would spend time with her, read a story to her or just talk.  But her mother gave Cindy an annoyed look, "Cindy, can't you see that I'm busy reading?  Go to your room and find a book that you can read on your own and don't bother me."

Cindy remembered going to her room, throwing herself on the bed and crying.  Her mother was in the next room and she probably heard Cindy crying, but she didn't come to Cindy's room to try to soothe her.  Instead, Cindy was left on her own to cry it out.

After Cindy and her psychotherapist completed the preparation phase EMDR therapy to work on this memory, as part of the EMDR protocol, Cindy's psychotherapist asked Cindy, "What's the negative belief you have about yourself?" in relation to this memory.

Cindy responded, "I'm unlovable" (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

This was the first time that Cindy connected her feelings of being unlovable to how she was treated by her parents when she was a child.  Now, it made sense to her why she would feel this way about herself.

Cindy and her therapist continued to work on her feelings of being unlovable using EMDR therapy.  Many other similar memories came up as well as a deep sense of shame for feeling that she wasn't a lovable child.

How EMDR Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Developmental Trauma

After several months, Cindy and her therapist completed the EMDR therapy, and Cindy no longer felt unlovable.  Her self esteem improved so that she felt more confident when she went out on dates.  She also felt that she was a lovable person and she deserved to be loved.   At work, she was more assertive about making suggestions, and her manager recognized her work by promoting her.

Conclusion
Many people who experienced developmental trauma as children don't connect their poor sense of self and negative beliefs about themselves to their unresolved trauma.

EMDR therapy explores these feelings and beliefs directly so that clients can begin to make the connection and, eventually, work through them.

There is no quick fix for overcoming unresolved trauma.  Even though EMDR therapy tends to be more effective and tends to work faster than regular talk therapy, each person processes trauma in his or her individual way and in his or her own time.

Getting Help in Therapy
A negative belief or self perception is often linked to unresolved trauma.

If you have been struggling with feelings of low self worth, you could benefit from working with an experienced psychotherapist who has an expertise in helping clients overcome traumatic experiences (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than suffering on your own, you can work with a skilled psychotherapist who can help you to overcome your history of trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

As a trauma-informed psychotherapist, I work with individual adults and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome their traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices

When unrealistic wishful thinking gets in the way of your using good judgment about a relationship, chances are you're setting yourself up to make poor choices and to experience a big disappointment (see my articles:  Emotionally Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?,  Falling in Love With "Mr. Wrong" Over and Over Again  and  Relationships: Learning to Make Better Choices).

Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices

Wishful thinking about a relationship, as I'm defining it in this article, is a form of denial and self deception based on what you would like to believe as opposed to reality.

Let's look at a fictionalized scenario that illustrates these points.

Ginny
Before Ginny met Ron at Cindy's party, she was lonely and unhappy because she had not been in a relationship for several years.  She feared that she would never get married and have children, which she really wanted more than anything.

From the moment she met Ron, she was swept off her feet.  She realized that she never laughed so much or had so much fun with anyone else.  Not only was he a lot of fun, he was handsome, charming and witty.

The first time they made love, Ginny's experience was beyond what she had ever experienced in any other relationship.

Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices 

And when Ron told Ginny that he loved her that first night they made love, she felt like she was so happy that she would burst.  She told him that she loved him too, and they remained in each other's arms for the rest of the night.

Soon after that, Ginny told her friend, Cindy, that she was sure Ron would be the man that she would marry.  She knew she had never felt this way before and she was sure that Ron felt the same way about her.

Cindy listened to Ginny gush about Ron, and she hesitated before she responded because she didn't want to disappoint Ginny, "Ginny, I'm glad you're having a great time with Ron.  I feel badly saying this, but I've known Ron for a long time, and I think you should know that he has a reputation as a womanizer.  He doesn't remain with anyone for long.  I don't want to see you get hurt" (see my article: Could It Be That Your Friends See Things About Your Lover That You Don't See?).

Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices

Ginny felt like ice water had been thrown in her face.  Initially, she was shocked and then she felt hurt and angry.  She thought that Cindy was jealous and wanted to ruin things between her and Ron, "I can't believe you're saying this to me!  He told me that he loves me and I believe him.  What we have is real, and I'm not going to let you spoil it."

Ginny continued to see Ron several times a week for the next few months.  Even when she wasn't with him, she spent nearly all of her time thinking about him and what their future together might be like.

When Ginny suggested to him that they go away for a long weekend, Ron told her that he loved the idea, but he would need to check his schedule because he knew he had a business trip coming up.

Ginny hoped that they could go away for his birthday, which was coming up in a couple of weeks.  But when Ron got back to her, he told her that, unfortunately, that was the weekend that he had to go to a business convention in California, and he couldn't get out of it.

He also didn't know when he could get away from work.  He assured her that he really wanted to spend a long weekend with her, but he suggested that they wait to plan it.

At first, Ginny was disappointed that she wouldn't be with Ron on his birthday. But then she had an idea--she would surprise him by showing up at his hotel.  Then, they could, at least, spend some time together on his birthday.

So, Ginny found out the name of the hotel, and she made her plane reservations for the night of his birthday.

Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices

She felt giddy with how happy he would be when he opened his door and saw her standing there.  She was sure it would be the best night they had ever had together.

A week before Ron left, Ginny bought him an expensive watch that he had been eyeing while they were window shopping.  It cost a lot more than Ginny could afford, but she wanted Ron to know how much she loved him.  Besides, it would be worth it to see the look of joy on his face when she gave it to him on his birthday.

All the way on her flight from New York City to California, Ginny closed her eyes and imagined seeing Ron.  She imagined him taking her in his arms and kissing her, being so happy that she surprised him on his special day.

She also imagined that Ron would realize this weekend that they were perfect for each other, and he would propose to her.  Just the thought of his marriage proposal made her smile to herself.  Only a few months ago, she was worried that she was in her mid-30s and that she would never get married and have children.  Now, she was happier than she had ever been in her life.

When Ginny got to the hotel, she could feel her heart pounding as she became increasingly excited about seeing how surprised and happy Ron would be.

When she got to the door, she hesitated for a second and then she knocked.  When Ron opened the door, Ginny leaped into his arms, "Surprise!  Happy birthday!"

But when she looked at Ron's face, she was shocked to see that he looked confused and annoyed. Then, from the corner of her eye, she could see there was a woman in his bed.

Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices

At first, Ginny froze and she barely heard Ron say, "Ginny, what are you doing here!?!  You shouldn't have come without telling me."

Then, he closed the door in her face, saying, "We'll talk about this when I get back to New York."

Then, as she stood there frozen holding the gift bag with his watch, Ginny heard Ron and the woman in his room laughing, and she felt like she was having a nightmare (see my article: Relationships: Falling For Charisma Instead of Character).

When she was finally able to move, Ginny ran out of the hotel, took a taxi to the airport and got herself on the next flight back to New York.

All the way back to New York, she couldn't believe this was happening.  She couldn't get the image of that woman out of her head.  She cried quietly to herself throughout the entire flight.

When she got home, she tried to reach Ron on his cellphone several times, but the calls went straight to voicemail.  And by the next day, he had not responded to any of her messages, so she kept trying him, but she couldn't reach him.

She felt desperate to speak to him and get some explanation, so she called the hotel and tried to reach him through the hotel operator, but the calls went to voicemail.

Wishful Thinking Often Leads to Poor Relationship Choices

Then, she thought she might be able to reach him on the convention floor, so she asked the hotel operator to put her through to the convention floor, but the operator told her that there was no convention at the hotel this weekend.

Stunned, Ginny hung up the phone and sat still for a long time.  All she could think was: There must be some explanation for this.  Maybe he was drunk and he made a mistake that night.  I could forgive him if he apologized and made a mistake.

But then, she thought:  If he made a mistake, why did he look annoyed to see me?  Why didn't he just tell the other woman to leave when he saw me standing there?  Did I really see a woman in his bed or was it my imagination?  Why did he tell me that he was attending a convention?

The next few days were agonizing for Ginny.  She didn't hear back from Ron and he wasn't taking her calls.  She knew that he was back at work, so she tried him there, but she kept getting his voicemail.

She debated back and forth in her mind if she should go to his apartment and confront him there.  She started walking to his apartment and turned around and walked back home several times before she decided that she just had to see him and talk to him.

As she rang his buzzer, she feared that she might see him again with another woman, but when Ron opened the door, he was alone and let her in.

As she sat down on his couch, he stood peering at her with his arms folded across his chest.  She had never seen him look so angry before.

After an awkward silence he told her, "You shouldn't have come without telling me.  What happened was your own fault."

While Ginny tried to get an explanation from him, Ron talked over her and said he didn't want to see her anymore and she should leave.

Then, he turned his back on her, walked into his bedroom and closed the the bedroom door, leaving Ginny standing there alone.  She had no choice to leave but to leave (see my article: A Relationship With a Narcissistic Partner Can Ruin Your Self Esteem).

During the next few weeks, against her pride and better judgment, Ginny pleaded with Ron to talk to her, but he ignored her messages.

Soon after that, Ginny started therapy to deal with her hurt and anger.  She also began to feel despair again that she would ever meet anyone else, and she was sure that she would never get married and, at her age, she might never have children.

Without the possibility of having closure with Ron, Ginny talked to her therapist to try to understand what happened (see my article: Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible).

Over time, she realized that her friend, Cindy, was right--Ron was a womanizer and couldn't be trusted.

Worse than that, Ginny allowed herself to get caught up in wishful thinking, which prevented her from using the good judgment that she usually had in most situations.

She realized that her doubts about ever meeting someone who would love her and would marry her blinded her from taking it slowly with Ron.  She allowed herself to be swept off her feet from the start before she even knew him well (see my article: Dating vs Being in a Relationship: Taking the Time to Get to Know Each Other).

In hindsight, she realized that there were other times when Ron made excuses and he was probably seeing other women all along.

Getting Help in Therapy to Choose Healthier Relationships

Ginny and her therapist worked on her low sense of self to build her confidence so that she felt worthy of being treated well and she wouldn't fall into that trap again.

Gradually, she felt more confident that she would meet another man who would treat her well.

Conclusion
It's very easy to fall into a trap where wishful thinking leads to denial about a relationship.

This is especially true when you're not feeling good about yourself and you have doubts about whether you will ever be in a serious relationship again.  When you feel this way, you're more likely to allow yourself to get swept up by someone new.

When you're lonely and unhappy, you're more susceptible to fooling yourself.

There might be obvious signs that others might see where you're turning a blind eye.

Getting Help in Therapy
There's nothing wrong with wanting to love and be loved, but when you develop a blind spot about someone you've just met, you're setting yourself up (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If this has happened to you, rather than being hard on yourself, be as compassionate and forgiving towards yourself as you would be to your best friend (see my article: Psychotherapy and Compassionate Self Acceptance).

If you haven't been able to work through your sadness about a relationship that hasn't worked out, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

You're not alone.  A licensed psychotherapist can help you to overcome the emotional pain that you're going through and also help you to overcome the self defeating patterns that resulted in the pain.

With help in therapy, you can become more confident and learn have healthier romantic relationships.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Recognizing the Signs When You're Under Too Much Stress

I've written about stress management in other articles, including: 

How Your Stress Can Affect Your Spouse and Children

Finding Inner Peace During Stressful Times

 Soothing Techniques to Use When You're Under a Lot of Stress.  

In this article, I'm focusing on learning to recognize when you're stress level is too high.

Recognizing the Signs When You're Under Too Much Stress

Why Wouldn't Someone Know When They're Under Too Much Stress?
It might seem unusual to pose the question of how you know when you're under too much stress.  After all, many people recognize the symptoms and complain about being too frazzled.

But people who have endured acute stress from childhood often don't recognize when their stress level is too high because they're so accustomed to acute stress and don't recognize it as being an unhealthy state.  It feels "normal" to them.  But enduring acute stress on a long term basis can have negative medical and psychological consequences.  I'll address these issues of in my next article.

One of the best ways to recognize that you're under too much stress is to observe the physical and psychological symptoms that are telltale signs of being under an unhealthy level of stress.

Many of these signs and symptoms can also involve other medical or psychological issues so, when in doubt, check with your medical doctor.

Warning Signs That You're Under Too Much Stress

Physical Symptoms:

• Insomnia
• Loss of appetite
• Eating too much
• Muscle tension, aches and pains, including shoulder and back pain
• Muscle spasms
• Upset stomach, including diarrhea, constipation, nausea 
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• Rapid heartbeat and/or chest pain
• Clenched jaw and grinding teeth, especially at night
• Nightmares
• Heartaches
• Feeling tired most of the time
• Low Energy most of the time
• Difficulty relaxing, even when tired
• High blood pressure
• Difficulty breathing
• Dry mouth and difficulty swallowing
• Low libido, problems with sexual performance
• Nervousness, shakiness, cold or sweaty hands and feet
• Nail biting
• Fidgeting
• Pacing back and forth

How Do You Know When You're Under Too Much Stress?

Psychological Symptoms:

• Feeling agitated, frustrated or moody
• Losing your temper easily
• Snapping at others
• Feeling easily overwhelmed
• Finding it difficulty to relax and quiet the mind
• Racing thoughts
• Isolating and avoiding others
• Feeling less pleasure in socializing or engaging in things that were once pleasurable
• Feeling hopeless
• Feeling helpless
• Feeling worthless/low self esteem
• Feeling depressed 
• Feeling pessimistic or only seeing the negative side of things
• Feeling anxious 
• Worrying persistently
• Feeling fearful and emotionally vulnerable
• Abusing alcohol or drugs
• Being forgetful 
• Having problems focusing

Social Isolation: One of the Signs That You Might Be Under Too Much Stress

These are just some of the many telltale signs of being under too much stress and, as I mentioned earlier, some of these symptoms can be related to other medical and/or psychological problems.

Lifestyle Changes For Stress Management
There are lifestyle changes that you can make to help you manage your stress.

See my articles:

• Stress Management: Taking Time For Self Care

• Managing Your Stress: Coping With Workplace Burnout

• Self Reflection and Basic Mindfulness

• Learning to Relax: Square Breathing 

• Mind-Body Connection: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?

• Journal Writing to Relieve Stress and Anxiety

Next Article in the Psychotherapy Blog
In the next article, I'll be focusing specifically on people who grew up as children in families where there was chronic stress and the challenges that they have in recognizing when they're under too much stress as adults.

Conclusion
A certain amount of healthy stress is necessary to live life.

But chronic stress has a way of creeping up on you without you even being aware of it. Over time, chronic stress can have a physical and psychological debilitating effect.

If you're experiencing some of the symptoms mentioned above, you would be wise to consult with your medical doctor to rule out any medical problems since there are many medical issues that have the same symptoms.

Getting Help in Therapy
If your doctor has ruled out medical issues and you've made healthy lifestyle changes, but you're still overwhelmed by stress, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled, licensed psychotherapist can help you to get to the root of your problems so you can learn to manage your stress (see my articles: The Benefits of Therapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Getting help in therapy can make all the difference in the quality of your life.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to get to the root of their problems so they could manage their stress and live more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Difference Between Compassion and Responsibility - Part 1

Understanding the difference between compassion and responsibility is often confusing for adults who were abused and traumatized as children.

Understanding the Difference Between Compassion and Responsibility

Compassion vs Responsibility
Since one of my specialties is helping clients to overcome emotional trauma, I see many adult clients who were traumatized and abused as children.

Many of these clients, as children, felt responsible for parents who were impaired either due to substance abuse, mental illness or for some other reason.  This is a common experience for children who became parentified children, which means that at a young age they took on the parental role with their parents and siblings.

This is a tremendous burden for a child to take on, but I often hear from adult clients that if they had not taken on that role, the household wouldn't have functioned:  There would have been no food, no clean clothes, the younger siblings wouldn't have been helped to get dressed to go to school, and so on.

The child who takes on this role isn't only robbed of a childhood, she also grows up feeling confused about the difference between feeling compassion and taking on responsibility.

Confusing Compassion and Responsibility: An Abusive Mother

So, for instance, there might have been a mother who drank excessively and who, while drunk, was physically abusive with the children.

But this same mother, when sober, might feel tremendous remorse for being physically abusive when she was drunk.  She might have apologized profusely, while sober, and promised her children that she would never do it again--only to repeat this cycle over and over again.

Confusing Compassion and Responsibility: A Cycle of Abuse and Remorse

In this situation, a child, who takes on the parent's responsibility often feels a tremendous sense of compassion for the mother when she is sober and remorseful.

This same child might feel that she cannot leave her younger siblings alone with the mother because she knows that if she leaves, her siblings will suffer at the hands of the mother.  So, she has to stay and take care of the family.

Staying to protect her siblings might mean missed opportunities to play with friends, attend after school programs, sports activities and the usual children's activities.

Later on, it might also mean that she will be too afraid to leave to go to college because she fears the household will fall apart without her there to pick up the pieces when her mother gets drunk.

It's also common for young children, who are abused emotionally and physically, to feel that they're responsible for their abuse.

These children will often say, "It's my fault that she got drunk" or "If I were a better daughter, she wouldn't have beat me."

Distorted Beliefs About Compassion and Responsibility Often Continue Into Adulthood
Even as adults, they often continue to have these distorted beliefs on an emotional level, and this can have tremendous repercussions for them.

Even when they understand logically that that their beliefs are distorted, on an emotional level, they continue to feel this way.

It usually affects how they feel about themselves, especially in terms of their self esteem or their ability to feel that they deserve good things in their lives.

Distorted Beliefs About Compassion and Responsibility Often Continue Into Adulthood

It can affect the types of relationships that they choose as adults, possibly choosing partners that they feel they have to rescue or take responsibility for in some way.

For instance, if, as adults, they're in a relationship with someone who is abusing alcohol and they feel compassion for their partner, they might feel that they must take on the responsibility for rescuing the partner--even if the partner is abusive.

In these cases, this is an unconscious repetition of what they experienced as children because they've grown up to feel that compassion equals responsibility.   So, they will often try to rescue their partner even when it comes at a great emotional, physical and/or financial risk to themselves.

In these situations, people might feel unhappy and trapped, but they don't see a way out because they feel they can't leave their partner.

Even when they do manage to leave an abusive relationship, they often get into another relationship where there is a similar dynamic and start the cycle all over again.

Once again, this is usually on an unconscious level, so they don't realize that they keep repeating this pattern each time.

It's not unusual to see this pattern continue from one generation to the next.

This dynamic also has repercussions for adults in psychotherapy who want to overcome childhood trauma, and I will address this issue in my next article (see my article:  Understanding the Difference Between Compassion and Responsibility - Part 2).

Getting Help in Therapy
Most people who were abused as children never come to therapy.  They continue to blame themselves for what happened to them as children as well as the abuse that they endure as adults.

They also continue to perpetuate the self destructive pattern of confusing compassion with responsibility.

If the dynamic that I've described in this article resonates with you, you're not alone.

Getting Help in Therapy to Lead a More Fulfilling Life

Although taking the first step is usually the most challenging, it can also be the most empowering.

Getting help in therapy from a licensed trauma therapist can help you to overcome the early emotional trauma that's keeping you stuck in your life.

Getting help in therapy can free you from your emotional history so you can lead a happier, more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.