Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

There are many misconceptions about emotional vulnerability.  Emotional vulnerability is often described as negative and mislabeled as being "weak." But rather than being weak, vulnerability is actually a strength, which is the focus of this article (see my article: The Emotional Vulnerability of Being in a Relationship and Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

What is Emotional Vulnerability?

Before we delve into how emotional vulnerability is a strength in relationships, let's first define it.

Emotional vulnerability involves risk, uncertainty and exposing your emotions. 

You can experience emotional vulnerability when you try something new by going outside your comfort zone.  

Vulnerability is a natural part of personal growth (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

Vulnerability is also inevitable.  In general, aside from relationships, you can't live your life without ever feeling emotionally vulnerable.

For instance, when you challenge yourself to take a public speaking class and it's your turn to go up in front of the class to give your talk, you can feel a rush of emotions, including fear, embarrassment, uncertainty and other difficult emotions.  But afterwards, you can feel proud that you did something difficult, and accomplished because you were able to give your talk in front of your classmates--despite your fear.

What is Emotional Vulnerability in Relationships?

Putting yourself out there for a potential relationship often feels risky because you're opening yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt.  Of course, you're also opening yourself to the possibility of experiencing love.  

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

Even though being emotionally vulnerable can feel uncomfortable, it's the only way you can hope to find love in an intimate relationship.  

It's normal to feel somewhat scared when you open up emotionally to someone else. It takes courage to push through your fear to allow yourself to be vulnerable (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

In order to have what you want in terms of being in a relationship, you have to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to take a chance.  

This doesn't mean you completely open your heart when you first meet someone.  Instead, it's a gradual opening over time as you get to know someone and feel more comfortable opening up more emotionally to that person (see my article: Intimate Relationships Provide You New Ways to Get to Know Yourself).

Tips on Being Vulnerable

• Practice Self Compassion: Rather than berating yourself for your fear of being vulnerable, practice self compassion. Recognize that you're being brave when you allow yourself to open up to yourself and to someone you care about.

• Be in the Moment: Rather than focusing on what someone else might think or say, keep your thoughts in the present moment.  Rather than thinking about what might happen, just focus on now.  Mindfulness meditation can be very helpful in terms of helping you to develop the skill to be in the present moment.

• Don't Focus on Other People's Opinions of You: Other people are mostly focused on themselves. When you focus on how you think others will see you, you are often projecting your own negative feelings about yourself onto others. You also can't control what other people are thinking, so try not to worry about it.  

• Take a Breath to Calm Yourself: If you're feeling nervous, take a moment to focus on your breath and bring your attention to your body.  Slow down and don't allow negative thoughts to overtake you (see my article: Learning to Relax: Square Breathing).

• Share Your Feelings: When you have gotten to know someone and you care about them, sharing your feelings can deepen your relationship with them.  This can feel risky, especially if you're not sure if they care about you in the same way. But there's only one way to find out and that's by sharing your feelings. 

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

As I have mentioned in previous articles, emotional vulnerability is a pathway to greater emotional intimacy so that it's a definite strength in a relationship.

Emotional Vulnerability as a Strength in Relationships

Emotional vulnerability

• Allows you to be your authentic self
• Helps to build empathy between you and your significant other 
• Can take down the walls or defensive barriers between you and others
• Can give you confidence to be even more vulnerable
• Can encourage the other person to be emotionally vulnerable with you
• Helps you to connect with people who are accepting of you

Obstacles to Emotional Vulnerability

If you grew up in a family where it wasn't safe to express your emotions or you didn't see others expressing vulnerable emotions, you might have a particularly difficult time being vulnerable (see my article: Are You Afraid of Emotional Intimacy? and How Trauma Affects Intimate Relationships).

Unresolved trauma from the past, including childhood emotional neglect or abuse, might be getting in your way (see my article: Unresolved Trauma Creates Negative Expectations About the Future).

You might

• Not know what you really feel because you were discouraged from expressing emotions as a child and you didn't learn to identify your emotions
• Not have the words to express how you feel
• Think you have to express yourself "perfectly"
• Be so afraid of rejection that you feel emotionally paralyzed
• Catastrophize about all the things you imagine can go wrong to the point where you don't express yourself--even though you really want to do it
• Fear you'll be embarrassed by your feelings
• Become emotionally paralyzed by shame
• Numb yourself to your real feelings

Next Article

I'll focus on how you can overcome obstacles to emotional intimacy in my next article.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma specialist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Growing As An Individual While You're in a Relationship

Many people are afraid of losing their individuality in a relationship so they avoid getting involved until they think they have worked on themselves sufficiently in psychotherapy first.  The idea is that once they have healed the emotional wounds that cause them to fear losing their individuality, they will be ready to enter into a romantic partnership with someone.  This concept is especially common among people who have been hurt in prior relationships.

Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship

But this is a misconception: Relationships can provide an opportunity to discover parts of yourself and to grow as an individual.  Also, if you're already attending psychotherapy, you have a chance to make healthier choices when choosing a romantic partner and explore and change unhealthy patterns that were problematic in prior relationships (see my articles: Learning From Past Romantic Relationships and Choosing Healthier Romantic Relationships).

Most people need time to heal from the heartbreak of a prior relationship, and everyone is different as to how much time he or she needs.  But this is different from avoiding relationships altogether until you feel you have changed into the new person that you want to be.  It implies an expectation that there will be a life-changing transformation where you know you have "arrived" and now you are ready to have a romantic partner.  

As a psychotherapist in New York City with more than 20 years of experience, I have seen many clients have big breakthroughs in psychotherapy where their life is transformed in life-changing ways.  But I've also seen clients who have a series of smaller breakthroughs over time in therapy that facilitate positive change.  In addition to the transformations possible in psychotherapy, a lifetime offers many opportunities for change and growth. 

So, why wait until you think you have it "all together" before allowing yourself to be in a relationship--especially since relationships offer opportunities to develop and grow as individuals and as a couple?

Fictional Clinical Vignette: You Can Be in a Relationship and Still Grow As An Individual:

The following fictional vignette illustrates how you can be in a relationship and still grow as an individual and how psychotherapy helps:

Cindy

After Cindy went through a painful breakup, she began attending psychotherapy to deal with the end of the relationship (see my article: Healing the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

She explained to her psychotherapist that shortly after their two-year relationship anniversary, Cindy's boyfriend, Dan, told her that he wanted to be free to date other women.  Knowing that Cindy would never be comfortable with opening up their relationship to other people, Dan thought it was best that they breakup.  

Prior to the breakup, Cindy had her doubts as to whether the relationship would survive because every time they got closer, Dan would end the relationship briefly and then regret it and ask Cindy to take him back.  Even though Cindy had also been thinking about possibly ended their on again-off again relationship because it was so chaotic, she took the breakup hard (see my article: The On-Again, Off-Again Relationship).

At first, Cindy thought she and Dan were going through one of their cycles of being together, breaking up and getting back together again.  But as the weeks and then months passed, she lost hope and realized that their relationship was really over this time.

Cindy told her psychotherapist that after the breakup, with the benefit of hindsight, she wondered why she allowed herself to be in a relationship that would fall apart whenever they were most emotionally vulnerable with each other.  She wondered if she didn't feel that she deserved better than this, and if she needed to "learn to be in a relationship" before she entered into another relationship.

As a result, Cindy said, she decided to work on herself in therapy first to understand herself and to learn to be in a relationship before she got into another relationship  Her psychotherapist listened empathetically as Cindy spoke to her about her sadness about the breakup and her fear of getting involved in another relationship (see my article: A Psychotherapist's Empathic Attunement Can Be Emotionally Reparative For a Client).

Her psychotherapist responded that she understood Cindy's need to heal from the breakup, which triggered childhood abandonment issues for Cindy.  She recommended that they use EMDR therapy to help Cindy to resolve her current emotional issues as well as her history of emotional abandonment in her family of origin (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy?).

Cindy's therapist also told Cindy didn't need to avoid relationships altogether after she felt she recovered from the breakup.  She explained that Cindy could learn about herself and about how to be in a relationship while being in a relationship.

At that point in therapy, Cindy maintained that she felt it would be unwise for her to begin a new relationship until she learned enough about herself and how to be in a relationship.  She was sure she would make all the same mistakes again that she made with Dan and prior boyfriends.  She felt too emotionally vulnerable to even consider a relationship, so her psychotherapist told her to do what she thought was best for herself and, at the same time, keep an open mind that she might be able to enter into another relationship before she felt she knew how to be in a relationship.

Over the next several months, Cindy was able to work through much of her grief about the breakup with EMDR therapy, and she and her psychotherapist began working on her earlier abandonment issues related to her family.

It was at that point when she met Sam in a writing class.  Although she was hesitant, Cindy accepted his invitation to go for coffee.  She felt the chemistry between them immediately, but she told herself that she wouldn't allow herself to get romantically involved with Sam because she wasn't ready.

After the writing class was over and Sam asked her out on a date where it was clear that he was interested in more than just a friendship, Cindy told him that she enjoyed his company, but she wanted to remain friends because she wasn't ready to get involved with anyone.  Sam told her that he could accept this and told her that he wouldn't pressure her for anything more.

A few days later, in her psychotherapy session, Cindy talked about Sam and how relieved she was that he could accept a friendship.  She acknowledged that she was physically attracted to him and enjoyed his company, but she remained adamant that she wanted to learn to be in a relationship in therapy first before she got involved with anyone.  

Her psychotherapist told her that going out on a date was different from being in a relationship and Cindy might enjoy herself if she went out with Sam--if she was willing to take the risk.  She also told her that many people learn to be in a relationship with the experience of actually being in a relationship.  But Cindy wasn't open to even dating.

During the next few weeks, Cindy continued to meet Sam for coffee and occasionally for brunch.  When Cindy saw that Sam understood that their get-togethers weren't dates, she allowed herself to enjoy their time together more.  

Then, one day, Cindy walked into her local coffee shop and happened to see Sam at a table talking and laughing with another woman.  Rather than acknowledging his presence, Cindy left the coffee shop quickly feeling shaken up.  Surprised by her reaction, she went back to her apartment and sat for a long time trying to sort out her feelings.

Later that afternoon, Cindy saw her psychotherapist and told her about her reaction when she saw Sam with another woman.  She told her how surprised she was that it upset her because she considered Sam to be a friend.  

During that therapy session, Cindy realized that she had developed romantic feelings for Sam that she had suppressed until she was confronted with seeing him involved with another woman.  She told her therapist that she now felt confused about her ambivalence, which she continued to explore in subsequent therapy sessions.

When Cindy met Sam again for coffee to share their writing, Sam mentioned that he happened to notice Cindy leave the coffee shop a few weeks before.  He said he wanted to try to catch her to introduce Cindy to his cousin, but she walked out so quickly that he didn't have a chance.

On hearing that the woman he was with was his cousin, Cindy felt a great sense of relief and blurted out, "Oh, that was your cousin?"

Sam smiled, "So you did see me and you left. I thought so, but I wasn't sure--until now.  Why did you leave without coming over to say hello?"

Cindy didn't respond.  She was annoyed with herself for revealing that she had seen Sam before she walked out of the coffee shop.  Although she was relieved that he wasn't with a date, she wondered if he was seeing someone else.  She knew she couldn't expect him to remain alone.

When Cindy didn't respond, Sam teased her, "Did you think I was on a date?"

Becoming increasingly uncomfortable, Cindy got up and began making an excuse as to why she had to leave, but Sam asked her to stay and to talk to him about what was going on.  He told her that he still liked her and he would like to go out on date with her.

Taking a deep breath and laughing at herself, Cindy let down her guard and told Sam that she would like to go out on a date with him too.  Soon after that, they began seeing each other regularly.

Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship

Although Cindy was still afraid to allow herself to develop deeper feelings for Sam, she was able to talk to her psychotherapist about it during their sessions.  Over time, she realized in therapy that she was much more confident and resilient than she ever thought herself to be.

As she dated Sam and their feelings deepened, they were able to negotiate being two autonomous individuals in a relationship.  They spent time together and they also gave each other space.  Over time, she learned to trust that he wouldn't abandon her.  More importantly, she learned to trust herself that she could be in a relationship and figure things out as she went along, especially with the help of her psychotherapist.

Over time, Cindy and Sam shared their observations about each other.  Cindy was often surprised at how perceptive Sam was about her, and how he was able to see things about her that she hadn't realized.  She realized that, in addition to developing her own insights about herself, she could also learn about herself through Sam's eyes because she could trust him and he was insightful. 

From spending time with her and reading her writing, Sam helped Cindy to see the parts of herself that she hid from herself and others, which gave her a lot to think about and talk about in her therapy.

Cindy also shared her observations about him with Sam, and she was glad that he was open to this.  She felt she was healing emotionally in this relationship, and they were both growing with each other. 

Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship

Cindy told her psychotherapist that she recognized that her relationship with Sam was much healthier than any other relationship she had ever had.  She liked that they could grow together in this relationship.  She had never experienced this before in a relationship.  She also liked that they were each in therapy focusing on their individual needs while they also met each other's emotional needs.

While she still had some fears of being in a relationship, she realized that she was ready to take the risk that she was resilient enough to deal with issues as they came up.

Conclusion

Many people believe that they must work on themselves in therapy first to learn to be a healthy individual and how to be in a healthy relationship before they allow themselves to enter into a relationship. This is a misconception because, especially if you're in therapy where you can work on whatever issues come up.

You can be in a relationship and still grow as an individual.  You don't have to wait until you have it "all together" before you're in a relationship.  Developing insight into yourself as well as seeing yourself through someone else's eyes, especially someone that you love and trust, can help you to grow.

Getting Help in Therapy

Psychotherapy provides an opportunity to heal and grow (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

If you're struggling with a problem that you have been unable to resolve on your own, you could benefit from working with a skilled licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am a trauma therapist have helped many clients to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Future Regret

Many people allow their fear of failure to create obstacles in their life.  They're so afraid of what other people would think of them if they fail that they refuse to take even the most well thought out calculated risks.  Refusing to take even relatively safe risks can lead to regret in the future, so it's important to understand the root of your fears so that you don't pass up opportunities in your life only to regret it later on (see my article: Fear of Making Mistakes and Overcoming Low Self Esteem).

Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Future Regret

What Fear of Failure?
Fear of failure isn't a diagnosis.  It's an experience that many people have that often gets in the way of  their setting goals, planning or taking advantage of opportunities.

Shame is often at the core of fear of failure.  People who experience fear of failure often doubt their own capabilities even when, objectively, they are quite capable.  Self doubt causes them to back away from taking any risks.  As previously mentioned, people who experience a pervasive fear of failure often worry that if they fail, other people won't like them and they will abandon them.

The root causes of fear of failure often begin in childhood with parents who are either risk averse or who unknowingly undermine their children.

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Balancing Fear of Failure vs. Potential Regret

Renee
Renee started psychotherapy because she was having a lot of anxiety about a major decision she was facing.

She told her psychotherapist that her director offered her a promotion with a big increase in salary for what Renee considered her "dream job" in New York City.

Although her director had a lot of confidence in Renee's ability to take on this new job, Renee had doubts and she wondered if she should remain in her current job which she could do easily rather than taking a chance on this new job and risk failing.

When her director told Renee that she had a month to consider whether or not she wanted the promotion and relocation to New York City, she became highly anxious.  She ruminated about the decision and went back and forth in her mind.

She feared that if she would be in over her head in the new job and that she would disappoint her family, friends, director and colleagues.  She also feared that the people in her life would no longer respect her if she failed.

Her close friends, who knew Renee's experience and capabilities, urged her to take the job. They had confidence in Renee's skills and expertise, and they also knew that she had always wanted to live in New York.

But her parents urged Renee not to take the promotion.  They both feared that there was too much at stake with regard to Renee's career and if she didn't succeed, she might be terminated.  Her mother advised Renee to stay where she was safe in her current job rather than risk failing.

As Renee spoke with her psychotherapist, she told her that her parents were anxious people who were very risk averse.  Her father remained in the same job for 30 years, even though he was offered promotions, because he was afraid of failing.  Her mother once had dreams as a young woman of being a designer, but she never pursued her dreams because she feared the humiliation if she didn't succeed.

Each of her parents often spoke about "what if" they had gone further in life, but their regrets were fear outweighed by their need to be "safe" and not take risks.

Renee's psychotherapist asked her to try to put aside her fears and imagine what she might actually like about the new promotion.

At first, it was difficult for Renee to imagine enjoying her promotion, but when she managed to put aside her fears, her face lit up and she seemed energized.  She talked about taking on new and exciting challenges, making a lot more money, and realizing her dream of living in New York City.

As Renee and her psychotherapist weighed the risks vs. the benefits, it soon became clear to Renee that the benefits far outweighed the risks.  She also knew, when she thought about it objectively, that she could get another job that was similar to the job she was currently doing if things didn't work out with the promotion.

When she thought objectively about what the worst thing would be if the new job didn't work out, at first, she thought about how humiliated she would feel.  But, as she continued to discuss this with her psychotherapist, she realized that her friends and family would be emotionally supportive whether she succeeded or failed.

As she continued to talk to her psychotherapist about the promotion, Renee felt excited about the new opportunity, and she decided to accept the promotion.

In the interim, she and her psychotherapist worked on stress management techniques to help Renee to manage her fear and anxiety.  Her psychotherapist also recommended that when Renee moved to New York City that she find another psychotherapist to work on the deeper underlying issues that contributed to her fear of failure.

A few months after Renee was settled into her new job and new apartment in New York City, she sought help from a psychotherapist who helped clients with fear of failure.

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret

They were able to trace Renee's fear of failure back to her early childhood when her parents discouraged her from taking even the most basic risks.

Renee also remembered that her mother often expressed doubts about her abilities even when Renee was in elementary school.  Renee's sense was that her mother was being overly protective and she unknowingly caused Renee to doubt herself.  Renee had internalized her parents' fears.

Her psychotherapist recommended that they use EMDR therapy to work on Renee's fears, which included her past fears, her current fears, and her anticipated fear of failure for the future (see my articles: What is EMDR Therapy? and How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

As Renee was working through her fear of failure with EMDR therapy, she also set limits with her parents, especially her mother, who tended to call Renee in a state of worry and panic about Renee's new promotion.  She told her mother that she appreciated her mother's concern, but her phone calls were making her anxious and her mother needed to stop talking about all the things she feared would go wrong for Renee.

As Renee continued to work with her psychotherapist using EMDR, over time, she became more confident in her ability to do her job.  She started to let go of her fear of failure and address these issues that were under her control rather than worrying about things that weren't under her control (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Over time, Renee's confidence increased, and she received positive feedback from her new director in New York.  She also became increasingly aware that if she had turned down the promotion out of fear, she would have regretted it in the long run.  This was an important lesson for Renee with regard to balancing fear of failure vs. potential regret.

Conclusion
Life is short.  One of the common regrets expressed by older people who are close to death is that they wish they had taken more risks and not worried about what other people thought of them.

Fear of failure often has its roots in early childhood.  Whether it involved growing up with critical parents who unknowingly undermine their child's self confidence or living with risk averse parents who convey that the world is a dangerous place, children learn to fear failure and carry that fear into adulthood.

Getting Help in Therapy
Balancing fear of failure and potential regret is difficult to do if you're not aware of the underlying issues involved.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to get to the root of your problems so that you can work through your fears (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than passing up opportunities that you will regret later on, you can address your fear of failure in psychotherapy so that you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome their fear of failure.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Taking Risks in Your Therapy

Many clients who are in therapy avoid expressing their reservations or negative feelings about therapy or their therapists.  Some clients, who were discouraged from expressing their feelings when they were children, continue the same pattern without even realizing it in their relationships and in their therapy as adults (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).  

Deep down, they don't feel entitled to their feelings.  Other clients are afraid that they will offend or alienate their psychotherapist by expressing negative feelings.  But in order for the therapy to be alive, meaningful and valuable for clients, they need to take risks in their therapy because, if not, these unexpressed feelings contaminate the therapy and have a negative impact on the relationship between the client and the therapist (see my articles: Why Being Honest With Your Therapist is the Best Policy and How to Talk to Your Psychotherapist About Something That's Bothering You in Therapy).

Taking Risks in Your Therapy 

A Childhood History of Feeling Invisible and Undeserving
Clients who grew up in a family where they were discouraged and, possibly, even punished for expressing their feelings learn quickly to keep their feelings to themselves.  Over time, they also learn not even feel their feelings, so they are unaware of their feelings on a conscious level.

This pattern is often carried over when they become adults in their personal relationships and relationship with their psychotherapist without their even realizing it.

Therapists who recognize this pattern in clients need to provide a safe therapeutic environment (see my article: The Creation of a "Holding Environment in Psychotherapy).

Psychotherapists also need to help these clients to identify their feelings so they can express them.  Many clients, who are having the experience for the first time of expressing negative feelings might begin by having big reactions that frighten them once they begin expressing their feelings, so the therapist also needs to help these clients to manage their emotions.

Learning to express negative feelings after a lifetime of bottling them up can be challenging, so clients need to learn to respond instead of react when expressing themselves (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

A Fictional Clinical Vignette: Taking Risks in Therapy
The following fictional vignette illustrates the points that I've made above and how psychotherapy can help:

Beth
Beth, who was in her early 30s, began therapy because she thought she was being taken advantage of in her two year relationship.

She told her new psychotherapist that her boyfriend, Alex, would often assume that when they went out that Beth would pay because she made more money that he did.  She said that, although she didn't mind paying sometimes, she didn't want to pay for their dinner, movies and theater tickets all the time.  She especially didn't want Alex to assume that she would always pay, which he did.  She felt that, although he made less money than she did, he made enough money to offer to pay sometimes.

Taking Risks in Your Therapy

Beth also mentioned other issues in the relationship where she felt taken advantage of.  When her psychotherapist asked Beth if she ever discussed this with Alex, Beth gave her a blank stare and then she gave all her reasons why she had not spoken to Alex about these issues, "It wouldn't make a difference anyway," "He's just like that--he won't change" and so on.

Eventually, over time, Beth came to see these "reasons" as rationalizations and excuses for her passivity.  But, at this point in her therapy, she believed her rationalizations.

It turned out that Beth had so much bottled up resentment towards Alex over the two years that they were in a relationship that she no longer wanted to be sexual with him.  But, until she came to therapy, she never made the connection between her unexpressed anger and resentment and her lack of interest in having sex with Alex.

When Beth thought about it, she said she had always been a sexual person, and she had been very sexually attracted to Alex during their first year together.

Before discussing this in therapy, she just thought that the decrease in her sexual interest was a normal part of being in a two year relationship. But now she sensed how her resentment and anger contributed to the cooling off of her feelings for Alex.

When her new psychotherapist asked Beth if she had ever been in therapy before, Beth told her that she had been in therapy with several different therapists over the last few years, but she left each of her therapists when they said or did something that she didn't like.

When her therapist asked her if she ever spoke to any of her therapists about her misgivings, Beth realized that she never did--she just left abruptly (see my article: When Clients Leave Psychotherapy Prematurely).

Beth described her parents as being emotionally distant and preoccupied with their careers.  As an only child, Beth spent much of her time alone.  She never saw her parents argue, but she also never saw them being affectionate with each other.

She remembered times when she tried to tell her mother about feeling lonely at home and at school, but her mother never wanted to hear it.

Her mother especially didn't want to hear any complaints from Beth about anything going on at home or about Beth feeling angry towards her parents.  So, eventually, Beth learned to keep her feelings to herself, and she approached her romantic relationships in the same way.

Beth's therapist helped Beth to feel comfortable in therapy and encouraged Beth to tell her if she had any misgivings about the therapy or her therapist.  She told Beth that she wanted her to be able to talk about any problems in therapy rather than Beth just disappearing from therapy as she did in her prior therapies.

As Beth continued to attend her therapy sessions, she got more comfortable with her therapist.  At one point, when Beth felt misunderstood by her therapist, Beth broached this topic with trepidation.  Beth felt that her therapist didn't understand what she was trying to say, so she got up her courage to tell her therapist.

But when she began to talk about it, she felt such uncontrollable rage welling up inside her that she couldn't get the words out.  She felt unable to breathe, her heart was pounding, and it was as if the words were stuck in her throat.

Her therapist helped Beth to calm down enough so she could breathe and feel grounded.  Then, even though she still had difficulty, Beth was able to speak clearly and articulate her feelings.

Taking Risks in Your Therapy

With the help of her psychotherapist, she also made connections between her family history of feeling  invisible and undeserving and how this affected her adult relationships.

Over time, Beth gradually became more comfortable taking risks in her therapy. She was able to speak up when she felt misunderstood or something occurred that she didn't like.  Unlike her childhood experiences with her parents, Beth saw that her therapist was open to talking about any problems in therapy and there were no negative repercussions.

Similarly, when Beth felt there was a rupture with her therapist, after she talked about it with her therapist, she also saw that these ruptures could be repaired (see my article: Ruptures and Repairs in Psychotherapy).

This helped Beth to feel more confident in other areas in her life, including her relationship with Alex.  As a result, she was able to talk to him about the areas in their relationship where she had misgivings, which helped to clear the air and also helped them to make positive changes in their relationship.

Conclusion
When clients have problems expressing negative feelings about aspects of their therapy or about their psychotherapist, there is usually a long history of this problem that goes back to childhood.

For these clients, in the short term, it's easier to leave therapy abruptly than take the risk of expressing their feelings and dealing with their fear of rejection or some form of retaliation by the therapist.  This usually results in a string of aborted therapies over time which, in the long run, is usually damaging to the client.

By the same token, these same clients often tolerate inappropriate behavior in their relationships, similar to Beth in the fictional vignette above.  Their anger and resentment have the same effect--they either leave the relationship or the relationship slowly dies because the relationship becomes buried in these unexpressed negative feelings.

If clients, who are reticent about expressing negative feelings, can learn to express these types of feeling in therapy, they can use this skill in their relationships.

At first, it might feel uncomfortable but, over time, clients can become more comfortable expressing themselves, which leads a greater sense of authenticity as well as more authentic relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy
The unspoken and, possibly unconscious, fear that it's dangerous to express negative feelings is very hard to overcome on your own because it's usually so ingrained.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to recognize and express uncomfortable feelings in an effective way.  She can help you to develop the necessary tools so that you don't feel overwhelmed by your own feelings (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

She can also help you express yourself in an effective way--without your minimizing your feelings or overreacting in ways that would be overwhelming to you or to others and make your communication ineffective.

Rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help in psychotherapy so that you will eventually feel more comfortable and confident in yourself.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to take risk in therapy so that they can lead more fulfilling and authentic lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Standing at the Crossroad: Fear of Making Major Life Decisions

Standing at the proverbial crossroad is something that everyone faces at some point in his or her life. It can be an exhilarating time with new hope and possibilities or it can be a fearful, paralyzing time that keeps you frozen in stagnation. 

How you respond when you're standing at the crossroad might depend on many factors, including your comfort level with change, how you respond to risk, your personal history, your self confidence, whether you chose to be at this particular crossroad, your life stage, and your view of the world.

Fear of Making a Major Life Decisions

If you look forward to new challenges, you'll have an easier time than if you feel fearful and frozen by the possibility of making changes. Ideally, if you've considered the risks of the particular paths available to you, if you feel optimistic about your decision-making abilities and your ability to make a course correction, if needed, standing at the crossroads can be an exciting time.

But if the thought of making a major life decision makes you want to pull the covers over your head, you could benefit from seeking the help of a trusted friend, family member, or a licensed mental health professional. Friends and family members can be helpful when you're faced with major life decisions. But if they have the same trepidation about making major life decisions, they might reinforce your own fears.

Even for some people who relished challenges in their teens and 20s, making a major life decision when they're older can be daunting.

The following fictionalized scenario, which is not about any one particular person, is an example of how a person can overcome his fear when faced with making a major life decision:

Ben:
Ben had fantasized about starting his own consulting firm for many years. He often thought about what it might be like to be his own boss, make his own hours, and reap the benefits of his hard work. But Ben felt comfortable working for the large consulting firm where he had worked for more than 20 years. He earned a good salary, and he felt secure. So, even though Ben daydreamed about working for himself, especially when he felt frustrated about his job, he never seriously considered how he could turn his fantasy into a reality.

Every so often when Ben came home and complained to his wife, Barbara, about his frustrations at work, she would remind him about his dream of having his own business. She would encourage him to think seriously about it, especially now that their children had graduated from college and were in good jobs, and she was doing well at her law firm. She told him that he had the skills, knowledge, and the contacts to be successful. And even if it took a while for him to get his business off the ground, her salary would more than see them through. Most of all, she told him, he would be happier.

On some level, Ben knew that Barbara was right. But he couldn't get himself to even consider making a plan for a potential new business. Whenever he even started to consider the possibility, he felt a churning in his gut and he pushed the idea out of his mind.

Barbara was aware of how frightening it was for Ben, so she never pushed the idea on him. However, she told him that she remembered a time, when they both were in their 20s, that he would have jumped at the chance, if they had been in a better financial situation at the time. She told Ben that she remembered when he was more comfortable taking risks back then. She reminded him of the time, after he graduated college, when he traveled all over Europe, staying in youth hostels, taking odd jobs to support himself, and loving the sense of adventure that he felt.

At the time, Ben's parents wanted him to settle down and find a secure job. Having lived through the Depression, his parents tended to be anxious about finances, even though they were financially secure by the time that Ben was in college. But, at the time, he was living out his dream to see countries that he had always fantasized about.

Whenever Ben thought about that time, he smiled to himself. He had fond memories of his travels after college. He knew that he was much more adventurous at that time, and he often wondered whatever happened to that more daring part of himself. But whenever he had these thoughts, he would soon dismiss them and focus on his life now.

One day Ben was called into his director's office. As soon as he entered the office, he saw that the human resources director was also there. After a few moments, his director told Ben that he was very sorry to inform him that he was being laid off due to company cutbacks. Ben's mouth went dry. He felt like he was having a bad dream. The human resources director told Ben that they could possibly save his job if he was willing to take a significant pay cut. He told Ben that he should think it over, talk to his wife, and get back to them by the end of the month. He also told Ben that if he chose not to take the pay cut, he would be laid off with the standard severance.

When Ben left the director's office, his mind was reeling. He was unable to focus on anything for the rest of the day. He had always assumed that, since he had been there for so long, his job was secure.

When he talked to Barbara, he told her that he felt hurt and angry to be treated this way by the company that he had been loyal to for more than 20 years. He was especially angry about the possibility of remaining with the company and taking a large pay cut. But then he thought about his parents, who put financial security above all else, and he thought that maybe he should take the pay cut rather than be out of a job. He went back and forth in his conversation with his wife, trying to decide if he should stay or go.

Barbara listened patiently to what Ben had to say, and when he finished, she told him that she thought he would be selling himself short if he took the offer to stay with a reduced salary. She thought he deserved much better than this. She also told him that this would be a perfect time to start his own business.

Ben felt gripped with fear. He also felt a lot of pressure to make a decision by the end of the month. Rationally, he knew that Barbara was right. They could live comfortably on her salary. They were not in debt. They also had ample savings. He knew that there was no rational reason why he couldn't take a leap of faith and start his own business. He also knew, deep down, that he would be successful. And yet, something stopped him. He felt paralyzed by fear.

Even though he had never been in therapy before, he sought the help of a psychotherapist so that he could work through whatever fears were keeping him frozen in his tracks. After a few sessions, Ben realized that he had taken on his parents' fears about financial security. He couldn't understand how or when this happened because, when he was younger, he never wanted to be this way. But he realized that, over the years, these fears, while not as great as his parents', kept him from taking risks in his life.

With the help of his therapist, who used hypnotherapy, Ben was able to access and tap into that younger, more adventurous part of himself. He began to experience, on a visceral level, how excited and happy he felt when he used to face new challenges. And even though he was no longer in his 20s, he learned to tap into that part of himself to find the courage to face this major life decision before him.

By the end of the month, Ben informed his director that he would take the severance package. He felt exhilarated and comfortable with his decision. He also began working hard at beginning his new business. And whenever he felt his old fears come up again, he worked with his therapist to overcome those obstacles.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're standing at the crossroads, facing a major life decision, rather than remaining frozen by fear, you can realize that you're not alone and you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. You might find, especially if you choose to work with a psychotherapist who uses clinical hypnosis, that you're able to access a more daring, adventurous part of yourself. 

This might even be a part of yourself that you never even knew that you had. And, often, when you begin to access that part of yourself in one area of your life, you will experience the upward spiral in many other areas of your life too.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients overcome their fears about making major life decisions so that they can lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, you can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.