How to Be Open to New Relationship Possibilities After Healing From a Bad Breakup

Opening your heart to new relationship possibilities can be challenging after a bad breakup (see my article: Coping With a Breakup).

After a bad breakup, some people vow to never be in a relationship again. Then there are others who get involved too quickly to avoid feeling the pain of their breakup (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

As a psychotherapist in private practice who works with both individual adults and couples, I see both--individuals who rush to get involved too quickly and others who close themselves off to the possibility of getting involved with someone new.

How to Be Open to a New Relationship After a Bad Breakup

Each person has to make their own decision about what's best for them.

For people who want to be open to a new relationship eventually, these tips might be helpful:

• Give Yourself Time to Grieve and Heal: Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger and disappointment without judging yourself for having these feelings, which are common and normal. Too many people jump into their next relationship to avoid feeling the emotional pain from a recent breakup. This is a mistake. Give yourself the time and space to heal--even if it's taking longer than you might have expected. Along the way practice self compassion and don't judge yourself. Recognize that many people have gone through what you're going through and with time they have healed (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Sadness).

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on taking care of yourself by eating nutritious meals, getting enough sleep,  exercising at a pace that's right for you and, in general, focusing on your well-being. Practice self reflection to understand what happened in your last relationship and how you might avoid the same problems in the future (see my article: Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings and Learning From Past Relationships).

• Strengthen Your Emotional Support System: Connect with supportive loved ones. Also consider getting help in therapy from a licensed mental health professional if you're struggling. Avoid isolating (see my article: Why Close Friendships Are Important).

• Develop a Healthy Mindset: Before you get involved in a new relationship, learn to be comfortable with yourself (see my article: What is a Growth Mindset?).

• Try Not to Go to Either Extreme: Try to stay balanced. Don't rush into dating again. Conversely, try not to become so fearful about potential new relationships just because your last relationship didn't work out. Although you might discover that you prefer the solitude of your own company, don't allow fear to foreclose the possibility of being with someone new (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

• Be Intentional When You're Ready: If and when you're ready, look for someone who aligns with your overall values. You don't need to align on every belief, but choose someone with whom you're basically compatible (see my article: The Power of Starting the Day With a Positive Intention).

Conclusion

Getting through the heartbreak of a difficult breakup can leave you feeling sad, disappointed, fearful and anxious. These are common reactions.

After you have grieved, if you prefer to be single and unattached, make that decision based on a healthy mindset and not out of anger, fear or bitterness. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Many people choose to remain single. They have healthy relationships with friends and family and they develop interests and hobbies so life is meaningful.

If you want to be in a relationship after you have grieved your prior breakup, take care of yourself first. Allow yourself to grieve to heal and, after you have healed, think about what you want in your next relationship. Then, learn to be open to new possibilities.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to grieve or you feel stuck in the grieving process, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you through the grieving process so you can heal.

Rather than struggling alone, get help in therapy so you can move through your grief and go on to live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

I wrote about the stages of love in a prior article (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment).

In the current article I'm focusing on the stages a relationship often goes through when it's heading for a breakup.

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

Relationship endings are often hard to identify during the early stages. 

Even after the relationship ends, individuals often find it difficult to understand what led to the breakup.

Dr. Mark L. Knapp, a psychologist who is an expert in nonverbal communication, identifies the five stages of a relationship that is coming apart:

1. Differentiating: 

During this stage the couple has conflicts that emphasize their differences more than what they have in common. 

Instead of using the word "we", they use the word "I" more often in terms of wanting more autonomy and personal space. 

In general, the concept of differentiation is an important part of being an individual in a relationship. If both people in the relationship are otherwise satisfied, differentiation isn't unhealthy.  

In fact, differentiation is a healthy and necessary part of being in a relationship if the individuals use the differences to evaluate their individual needs so they can make any necessary changes in their relationship.

Healthy differentiation allows each person in the relationship to have their own hobbies, interests and personal space. This allows each person to grow as an individual at the same time they are in a relationship.

The problems arise when a couple is unable to negotiate their differences and these problems remain unresolved. 

An example of this is when a couple did not take the time to discuss their values and goals so that they find out after they get married that one of them wants to have children and the other does not and each person remains unyielding in what they want.

Over time, if there are frequent arguments that involve criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling, this erodes the relationship (see my article: To Improve Communication in Your Relationship, Eliminate the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse),

2. Circumscribing

During this stage communication deteriorates even further. Couples begin to deliberately limit their interactions together to avoid topics that can cause conflict.

As they spend less time together, the relationship becomes more superficial. 

Due to emotional distancing, the couple spends less time sharing their thoughts and feelings and they don't have meaningful conversations.

Communication is often limited to maintaining and status quo. 

For instance, the couple might only discuss topics like their schedules and household chores.

Each person in the relationship can feel like they're living in their own world rather than having the shared experience of being in a loving relationship. 

3. Stagnating

During this stage, communication is even more infrequent and when the couple communicates, it can feels forced and strained. 

Both people feel stuck and they don't know how to get unstuck but, at the same time, they might not want to end the relationship at this point.

The couple often finds themselves just going through the motions because they're not growing and evolving in the relationship. 

People often feel a sense of resignation and hopelessness during this stage.

While couples might remain together during the stagnating stage, their decision might be more out of habit, convenience or fear of change, but there is little or no effort to improve the relationship.

4. Avoiding

During this stage, a couple spends even less time around each other and there is even more emotional and physical distance between them. 

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The couple might experience themselves as living separate lives. 

Even if neither of them makes the decision to end the relationship at this point, it can feel like the relationship is already over--even though neither of them have named it.

Avoidance becomes a way of life in the relationship. 

The couple might be sleeping in separate rooms, avoiding meaningful conversation and having little to no eye contact with each other.

5. Termination of the Relationship

This is the stage where the couple makes a decision to end the relationship. 

Communication is often limited to finalizing the end of the relationship in terms of finances, co-parenting arrangements, and other related topics.

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The emotions each person might experience can range from relief to sadness and grief or a combination of many different emotions.

This coming apart stage often involves telling close friends and family about the breakup, making different living arrangements and deciding how to communicate if they have children. 

If they don't have children, the couple might decide to end all contact after the relationship is over or once the divorce is finalized.

Why It's Important to Recognize The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

Becoming aware of problems can help you to be more aware so you can navigate these problems and make active decisions about the relationship rather than allowing the relationship to slip away and deteriorate through neglect.

Being proactive can mean that you take steps to improve the relationship, if it can be improved, or that you make a decision to part ways.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to improve their relationship, if they want to remain together, or she can help a couple to end their relationship in a healthy way.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you're struggling with problems in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a couples therapist to work through your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Toxic Positivity?

While there are many benefits to positive thinking, including stress relief and increased resilience, toxic positivity is harmful.   

Toxic positivity rejects difficult emotions with an attitude of "good vibes" only.  It aims to present a facade of inauthentic cheerfulness. 

Rather than allowing yourself or others to acknowledge difficult emotions, you invalidate these experiences with toxic positivity (see my articles: What is Emotional Validation? and What is Self Validation?).

What is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity only allows for positive emotions at the expense of your true emotions.  Over time, when you engage in toxic positivity, instead of being genuine, you create a false self (see my article:  What is a False Self?).

Signs of Toxic Positivity

• Minimizing or dismissing your own experiences or the experiences of others
• Denying genuine emotions such as sadness, anger, grief, feelings of loss or helplessness or other challenging emotions
• Shaming yourself or others for having difficult emotions
• Wanting to feel only "good vibes" all the time
• Feeling guilty for feeling difficult emotions
• Being intolerant of difficult emotions
• Feeling the need to be constantly busy in order to push down difficult emotions (see my article: Are You "Keeping Busy" to Avoid Painful Emotions?)

And so on.

Examples of Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity can take many forms.  The following examples are just a few of the things that people say to themselves or to others, which are often meant to be helpful but which minimize, dismiss and invalidate genuine emotions:

• Death of a Loved One: Going through grief after the death of a loved one is a normal experience (see my article: Allowing Room For Grief).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "You shouldn't feel sad." 
• "She's in a better place."
• "He wouldn't have wanted you to be so sad."
• "It's been six months. Why are you still so sad?"

• Breakup of a Relationship: Ending a relationship, even one that was unhealthy, is a loss and it's important to acknowledge and work through that loss (see my article: 7 Reasons You Might Be Struggling With a Breakup).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "You're better off without him."
• "Why are you so sad when you were the one who broke up with her?"
• "Just get back out there and find someone else."
• "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

• Loss of a Job: The loss of a job, even a difficult job, is still a loss (see my article: Job Loss and Loss of Identity).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "Look at the bright side. Now you don't have to deal with your difficult boss."
• "Cheer up. It's not the end of the world."
• "It's only a job. No one died."
• "It's not as bad as it seems."
• "Look for the silver lining. Now you have more time to relax."

• A Serious Medical Diagnosis: Getting news about a serious medical diagnosis can be frightening (see my article: Serious Medical Problems Can Change the Way You Feel About Yourself).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "Stop complaining. Other people have it much worse than you."
• "Stop worrying. Just be positive."
• "Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill."
• "Stop being so negative."
• "It will all be okay."

• Coping With a Traumatic Experience: Reactions to trauma are unique for each person. What might not be traumatic for one person--even someone from the same family--might be traumatic for another (see my article: When Your Traumatic Past Lives on in the Present).
• Invalidating statements include:
• "You think that's traumatic? When I was a kid, I had it much worse."
• "It's all in your head."
• "Stop being so negative."
• "I thought you were stronger than that."

Next Article:

In my next article, I'll discuss the harmful effects of toxic positivity and how to avoid them: Why is Toxic Positivity Harmful?.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

I've written about breakups in prior articles (see my articles: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship? and When Love Doesn't Conquer All).

Ending a Long Term Relationship

Ending a relationship isn't easy, but ending a long term relationship can be especially painful for everyone involved.   You and your partner have invested in the relationship on many levels so untangling your lives is challenging.

Tips For Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Know That It's Normal to Go Through Different Emotional Stages: Initially, you might go back and forth about whether it would be better for you to stay or go.  Your ambivalent feelings can create an emotional roller coaster for you and your partner if they're aware of your changing feelings.  Even after you've made the decision that it would be best to end the relationship, you might feel guilty and ashamed about hurting your partner and, if you have children, about the emotional impact it will have on them.  You might also feel relieved at some point and then your feelings might change to grief, anger, disbelief and so on. Know that all of this is normal (see my article: Coping With the Stages of a Breakup).

• Be Clear With Your Partner: One of the most confusing things is when the partner who wants to end the relationship gives the other partner mixed messages.  Usually these mixed messages aren't intentional.  They often involve ambivalence, guilt, shame and a mixture of other confusing emotions.  But once you have made up your mind, consider carefully what you want to say in advance, especially if you think your partner will be surprised.  It might help to write about it so you can get clear on how you feel and what you want to say.  Once you have thought about it, talk to your partner privately in a calm manner without blaming them.  Be prepared for a negative reaction or for your partner to want to bargain with you so you don't end the relationship.  If so, be firm but compassionate.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Be Clear About Boundaries: This is the area where many people make mistakes.  Think carefully about how much contact, if any, you want to have with your partner after the relationship ends.  If you have children together, in most circumstances, you'll need to be in contact about them.  But, if you've made up your mind that you no longer want to be in the relationship, the conversations about the children shouldn't be used as a way to get emotionally involved again.  If there are no children and no other reasons for being in contact, you'll need to decide how to proceed.  If you think you want to try to be friends or, at least, remain amicable, be honest with yourself about why you want to do this.  Are you trying to maintain contact to give yourself the option of going back with your soon-to-be-ex?  This would definitely be a mixed message.  Also, avoid trying to get your partner back when you feel lonely. Breaking up again will be even more hurtful for both of you.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Talk to Your Children Together: If you have children together, both of you need to agree on what you want to tell them.  Speak to them together in a calm and clear way giving them an age appropriate explanation about the big change they're about to go through.  They will need reassurance that you both still love them and will be there for them.  Prepare to answer their questions and to deal with sadness and anger about how this will affect them.  Under no circumstances should either of you blame the other or try to get your children to side with you. You want to avoid the hurt and pain of creating parental alienation or split loyalty (see my articles: Talking to Your Children About the Divorce and Co-parenting After the Divorce).

• Be Prepared to Talk to Others About the Breakup: Initially, you probably want to tell only those who are closest to you and who will be emotionally supportive.  Loved ones will be concerned about your well-being, but not everyone needs to get a long, personal explanation about the breakup.  So, for the people who need to know but who aren't close to you, have a simple statement you give where you don't delve into personal details.  If people try to pry, be polite but set a boundary with them.

• Avoid Looking at Your Ex's Social Media After the Breakup: It might be tempting to secretly follow your ex on social media to see what they're doing and whether they're seeing someone else, but if you do this, you'll make yourself miserable.  So, avoid the temptation to look.

• Expect to Feel Many Confusing and Contradictory Emotions: It's normal to feel grief, anger, loneliness, confusion and second thoughts about your decision.  It's normal to feel fine about your decision one moment and then get caught up in self doubt the next moment.  Grief comes in waves and can come unexpectedly at any time. Try to stay calm and not be swayed by waves of emotion.  

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Practice Self Compassion: During this time, you'll need to be gentle with yourself.  It can be tempting to be hard on yourself when you're going through a breakup, so practice self compassion. Take extra self care in terms of making sure you eat well, get plenty of rest and take care of yourself in other ways (see my article: Developing Self Compassion).

• Don't Allow Your Loved Ones to Pressure You to "Just Get Over It":  We live in a culture that often has little tolerance for emotional pain.  This is especially true for people who haven't dealt with their own unresolved emotions.  Your feelings will take as long as they take for you.  Everyone's process is different.  There's no right or wrong amount of time to grieve the loss of your relationship.

• Get Help in Therapy: Close friends and loved ones can be emotionally supportive and you might also need the help of a licensed mental health professional to deal with the emotional stages you're experiencing.  There's no shame in asking for help.  A skilled psychotherapist can help you to cope and work through unresolved emotions (see my articles: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Help and Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

It's Not Always About You: How to Stop Personalizing Rejection While Dating

In a prior article, How to Stop Jumping to Conclusions and Personalizing Other People's Behavior, I discussed how earlier trauma can get triggered if you personalize other people's behavior. Most of the time, especially at the point when you're triggered, you might not recognize that your emotions have more to do with the past than the current situation because triggers can feel so powerful and immediate (see my article: Coping With Emotional Triggers).

Dating: Their Rejection Might Not Be About You

With regard to getting rejected by someone you're dating, it's very easy to get triggered, especially if you have unresolved abandonment or loss issues (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Rejection).

How to Stop Personalizing Rejection While Dating

To complicate matters, the person you were dating might not know how to communicate what they're going through, so you might feel left out in the cold as to why they don't want to see you anymore (see my article: 7 Reasons Why You Might Be Having a Hard Time Getting Over a Breakup).

But try to keep in mind that, unless that person tells you that you said or did something that offended them, they might not want to see you for reasons that have nothing to do with you, including:

• They haven't given themselves enough time to grieve their former relationship.
• They might like you, but they feel the two of you might not have enough in common.
• Having nothing to do with you, they might feel too insecure and anxious to date.
• They might feel overwhelmed by other things going on in their life and they don't have the time or emotional capacity to start a new relationship.
• They might have their own unresolved trauma that is affecting their ability to be open to dating you.

And so on.

Tips on How to Deal With Rejection While Dating

• Don't Take It Personally: Sure, it hurts when someone you like doesn't want to see you.  As previously mentioned, it can bring up a lot of your own insecurities, which might not have anything to do with the current situation.

• Recognize That You Might Be Making Up Negative Stories in Your Head: When you have had a little time to step back from your hurt feelings, recognize that you might be creating a narrative in your head that has nothing to do with the situation. For instance, if your immediate reaction is to have negative thoughts like, "They don't want to see me because I'm not attractive enough" or "They don't think I'm good enough," recognize that these are your thoughts that are probably getting projected onto the other person (see my article: Feelings Aren't Facts).

• Learn to Question the Validity of the Negative Stories You're Telling Yourself: When you're in a calmer state, ask yourself how likely is it that you were rejected because of the reasons you're telling yourself. If you have a problem being objective, talk to a trusted friend to get an impartial perspective.

• Be Respectful of the Other Person: Although it's tempting to lash out, it's better to summon your best self, tell the other person you accept their decision, and let them go.  If they don't offer an explanation, accept that you're not going to get closure with them.  Don't try to convince them to see you or badger them for an explanation if you don't get one.  Recognize that most people don't want to be in the position of rejecting anyone so be compassionate (see my article: Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible).

• Get Emotional Support: It's normal and common to feel hurt and disappointed. Rather than trying to get emotional support from the person you were dating, seek help from trusted friends or family members (see my article: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Emotional Support).

• Get Professional Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: If the rejection brings up earlier unresolved trauma, seek help from a licensed trauma specialist to work through the trauma so these memories no longer get activated (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Fictionalized Clinical Vignette

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, and it will illustrate how earlier trauma can get triggered by rejection and how therapy can help:

Tom

After dating Sally for two months, Tom got a call from her to cancel their upcoming date.  Since they had been out several times and he thought things were going well between them, Tom was surprised and disappointed.

Sally sounded nervous on the phone as she told him that she didn't see things progressing between them and she didn't think they should continue to see each other.  

She was somewhat vague about her decision. She only said she wasn't sure, but things just "didn't feel right" between them and it might be because she started dating again too soon after her breakup with her prior boyfriend of five years.  

Tom felt hurt and he asked Sally if there was anything he said or did that might have affected things between them.  In response, Sally said her decision didn't have anything to do with him--she just wasn't feeling like their relationship would develop into anything more serious.  She told him she was sorry if she was hurting his feelings, and then she said she needed to go.

After Tom got off the phone with Sally, in addition to feeling hurt and disappointed, he felt ashamed.  He was in his early 30s and he had never been in a serious relationship before.  He was hoping that things would get serious between him and Sally.  Before he got her call, he thought he saw the possibility of a committed relationship, but now his hopes were dashed.

He could feel that familiar sinking feeling coming over him and his thoughts turned negative pretty quickly, "Women just don't like me," "They don't find me attractive," and "They don't think I'm good enough for them."

Soon he was immersed in these negative thoughts, and by the time he saw his therapist the following day, he was feeling hopeless.  

"I just don't think I'll ever find someone who will want me." he told his therapist.

In response, his therapist reminded him that these were the distorted negative thoughts he often had when he felt rejected.  She also reminded him that these were old feelings stemming from his childhood relationship with parents who were too preoccupied to show him love or affection when he was growing up (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You Become Aware of Distorted Thinking).

Tom recognized that what his therapist said was true.  During that session, he was able to stand back to look at the situation from Sally's perspective and he realized that her rejection didn't have anything to do with him.

Until then, Tom had not wanted to do trauma therapy to work through his childhood trauma which often got triggered when he felt rejected.  But he told him therapist that he was finally ready to work through his unresolved trauma so he would no longer get triggered by them (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You Overcome Your Fear of Abandonment).

Conclusion

Now that most people are dating through dating apps, there's even more of a chance of getting rejected due to the sheer number of people on the apps and all the dating possibilities available to people.

Although your disappointment and hurt are real, the negative stories you're telling yourself might have nothing to do with why the other person rejected you. 

Take time to step back to get a better perspective. 

If talking to a friend doesn't help you because old wounds are getting triggered, seek professional help from a trauma therapist (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have unresolved trauma that involves loss and feelings of abandonment, your unresolved trauma can make rejection much worse.

When you seek help in trauma therapy, you're taking steps to work through your traumatic history so you won't get triggered by it again.

Once you're free from your traumatic history, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Split Loyalty: Traumatic Experiences For Children After Their Parents' Divorce

I've written prior articles about divorce focusing on how to talk to children about your divorce and also how to co-parent after the breakup (see my articles:  Talking to Your Child About Divorce and Co-Parenting After Divorce).  Aside from the issues I discussed in these articles, there's another common issue that comes up for young children as well as for adult children, which is the trauma of split loyalty.

The Trauma of Split Loyalty

When most people get married, they're not thinking about getting divorced.  In addition, most people want the best for their children.  They're not trying to intentionally hurt them.  But, although it's usually unintentional, many children get caught in the middle between their parents and this is a traumatic dilemma for them.

What is Split Loyalty?

Split loyalty is also called divided loyalty or loyalty conflict.  It means that children feel they have to choose between their two parents.  This often occurs when one or both parents don't know how to model a harmonious relationship with the other parent.  

This can easily occur in the heat of a divorce when people are angry and don't realize how they're behaving in front of their children.  Aside from divorce or a relationship breakup, it also occurs when spouses remain together but they have an ongoing conflictual relationship.

The situation is even worse when parents berate each other in front of the children or the children overhear parents saying negative things about the other parents.  This is more likely to happen when parents are emotionally overwhelmed or when they talk to their children as if the children are their confidants (see my article: Why Your Child Can't Be Your Friend).

Children already feel vulnerable enough when their parents are getting divorced because they know their family situation is going to change, but they have no control over the changes in their family.  If, on top of that, they feel that their parents aren't in control of their emotions, this is especially traumatizing (see my article: Staying Emotionally Grounded During Stressful Times).

One of the worst situations is when one or both parents engage in parental alienation.  This dynamic goes beyond just showing animosity without realizing it.

Parental alienation is a deliberate attempt to alienate the child from their other parent.  This usually occurs when a parent has lost sight of what is in the best interest of the child either due to the parents' own narcissistic traits or some other psychological reason.  

Here are some examples of parental alienation:

• "Your father doesn't love you."  
• "Your mother only cares about herself"
• "Your father is so incompetent that he never does anything right."
• "I should've never married your mother."
• "Don't be like your father."
• "It makes me angry that you look so much like your mother."
• "Your father is crazy."
• "Your mother didn't treat me well."

Split loyalty is damaging for children at any age, but it's especially damaging for young children.  Children's traumatic wounds often carry over into adulthood and impact them as adults with regard to trust and the ability to be in healthy relationship (see my article: How Past Psychological Trauma Lives on in the Present).

Tips For Avoiding Split Loyalty

• Avoid confiding in your children about your anger and upset towards your ex because, if you do, you'll be setting them up to choose between you and your ex, which is very confusing for them and a no-win situation.

• Be aware of who you confide in about your negative feelings about your ex because it could get back to your children through gossip or they might overhear you speaking.

• Recognize that, unless your ex is dangerous, your children will need to continue to have a parental relationship with their other parent and it's best to do so without feeling guilty about being "disloyal" to you.

• Be respectful towards your ex and model respectful behavior in front of your children. 

• Recognize that your ex deserves the respect of your children.

• Ask your children to tell you how they're feeling about the divorce and the breakup of the family.  If they know it's acceptable for them to talk to you about their feelings, they won't feel they have to bottle up their feelings or that it's unacceptable for them to talk to you about what's happening in the family.  

• Recognize that young children and adolescents often act out because they don't have the vocabulary to express their feelings so they act it out with their behavior.  

• Be aware that children often act out with the parent they have the closer relationship because they feel emotionally safer with that parent as compared to a parent who is unreliable and, hence, emotionally unsafe.  This is important to recognize so you don't feel confused about why your child is acting out with the responsible parent and not with the one who is irresponsible (i.e., not keeping promises, not showing up, behaving in an inconsistent way, etc).

• Be aware that even if your children appear to be well and they continue to do well in school and with their peers, many children are very good at hiding their feelings.  Unlike the children who engage in acting out behavior where it's obvious there's a problem, these children internalize the trauma with little or no outward sign, so encourage your child to engage in an ongoing dialog with you about the changes in the family.  Or, if you don't have the wherewithal to do it on your own, seek help for yourself and your child.

Getting Help in Therapy

Ending a marriage or a long term relationship can be very challenging, especially when you have children.

If you feel overwhelmed, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek assistance from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to get through this stressful time.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Should You Hook Up With Your Ex?

In my prior article, 7 Reasons Why You Might Be Struggling to Get Over a Breakup, I focused on the primary reasons why many people have a hard time getting over a breakup. In this article, I'll be discussing a topic that I covered briefly in that article about breakups, which is whether you and your ex should get back together to have sex. The focus in this article isn't a moralistic one.  It's about your emotional well-being and what works for you.

Should You Hook Up With Your Ex?

I get it--even though you might not have been compatible in other areas, you and your ex might've had amazing sex which you're finding hard to give up.

Maybe it was even the best sex of your life.  Maybe it was exciting, hot and fun and you both felt great afterwards.  So, it's understandable why you're missing the sex and wanting to hook up, especially if you're either not seeing anyone else or your experiences with dating have been disappointing.

Why Hooking Up With Your Ex Might Be Okay
Here are some reasons why it might be okay:

• You and Your Ex Are Both in Agreement About Having Casual Sex and Nothing More
• You've both on the same page that, while the relationship didn't work out, you can still have no strings attached (NSA) sex with the understanding that you're not in a relationship and you're not going to get back together.
• You respect one another's well-being and only want the best for each other.

• You Don't Have Unrealistic Expectations
• You have no expectations that your ex will only see you and not date other people and vice versa.
• Both of you are beyond the point of feeling jealous if either of you is casually dating and having sex with other people.

• You're Not Trying to Use Sex to Get Back Together
• Neither you nor your ex is using sex to try to get back together again (see my article: The Heartbreak of the On Again, Off Again Relationship).

• You're Free of Any Illusions and Can Enjoy the Pleasure of Having Sex With Your Ex
• Having no expectations or illusions about what's possible, you're both free to enjoy the pleasure of being sexual, especially since you both know what the other person likes and you're sexually compatible with each other.
• You can give yourself over to sexual pleasure without guilt, resentment or regret afterwards.

Why Hooking Up With Your Ex Could Be a Bad Idea
Here are some reasons why it might not work out for you:

• You're Still in Love
• If you're still emotionally attached to your ex and you have sex with him (or her), you're going to have a much harder time getting over the breakup if you're sexually involved.  
• Not only might you both continue to carry a torch for each other, you both might have a hard time being open to meeting new people.

• You're Secretly Hoping to Get Back Together Again
• You need to be honest with yourself and your ex. 
• Saying that you don't want to get back together (when you really do) and using sex to lure your ex back is a form of manipulation.
• The falsehood will probably become apparent soon.
• If you get involved again, as a couple, you might end up in the same place as you were before the breakup, which will be even more painful.

• You Feel Lonely and Want Your Ex's Companionship
• It's common to feel lonely after a breakup.  This is normal.  It's also something that most people overcome after a period of healing.
• Although loneliness can feel overwhelming, hopping back in bed with your ex isn't the solution, especially if you're not both on the same page about what it means that you're being sexual again.
• You might feel better temporarily but, once again, this is just a short term solution to a much larger problem, which is that you're unwilling to go through this stage of the breakup (see my article: Coping With the Stages of a Breakup
• In seeking a short term solution, you're losing sight of the longer term problem and that you could both get hurt again when things go back to how they were before the breakup.

• You're Using Your Ex to Get Someone Else Jealous
• Maybe you've started seeing someone new and this person isn't paying as much attention to you as you would like, so you reconnect with your ex to try to make the new person jealous.
• Not only is this manipulative, it also has the potential for everyone in the situation to get hurt, including you.
• Both your ex and the new person might see the manipulation for what it is and both of them could end up not wanting to have anything to do with you.

• Your Ex Didn't Treat You Well When You Were in a Relationship
• Chances are good that if you ex didn't treat you well when you were in a relationship, s/he won't treat you well if you're hooking up.
• If you couldn't trust your ex when you were together, even if your expectations have changed, you probably won't be able to trust your ex with whatever ground rules the two of you have set up for having casual sex or in other areas (see my article: Are You Giving Away Your Personal Power to Someone Who Doesn't Treat You Well?).

Conclusion
This isn't a moralistic perspective.  It's about your emotional well-being.

There are times when hooking up with your ex might work for both of you without either of you getting hurt.  But this all depends on if you both are on the same page about having casual sex together without trying to get back to a dynamic that didn't work before.

Only you can decide what's best for you, but making that decision can be challenging because emotions can get in the way. You might need help from a licensed mental health professional who would be impartial and without judgment but who also has the expertise to help you make the best decision for yourself.

Getting Help in Therapy
Trying to decide what's best for you can be confusing, especially when your emotions are in conflict with what you know is best for you.

Many therapists in New York City, including me, are providing online therapy, which is also called teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't Meet Your Therapist in Person).

If you're feeling stuck, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed psychotherapist who has experience with helping clients with relationship and sexual issues.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrated Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.