The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

I wrote about the stages of love in a prior article (see my article: The 5 Stages of Love From Attraction to Commitment).

In the current article I'm focusing on the stages a relationship often goes through when it's heading for a breakup.

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

Relationship endings are often hard to identify during the early stages. 

Even after the relationship ends, individuals often find it difficult to understand what led to the breakup.

Dr. Mark L. Knapp, a psychologist who is an expert in nonverbal communication, identifies the five stages of a relationship that is coming apart:

1. Differentiating: 

During this stage the couple has conflicts that emphasize their differences more than what they have in common. 

Instead of using the word "we", they use the word "I" more often in terms of wanting more autonomy and personal space. 

In general, the concept of differentiation is an important part of being an individual in a relationship. If both people in the relationship are otherwise satisfied, differentiation isn't unhealthy.  

In fact, differentiation is a healthy and necessary part of being in a relationship if the individuals use the differences to evaluate their individual needs so they can make any necessary changes in their relationship.

Healthy differentiation allows each person in the relationship to have their own hobbies, interests and personal space. This allows each person to grow as an individual at the same time they are in a relationship.

The problems arise when a couple is unable to negotiate their differences and these problems remain unresolved. 

An example of this is when a couple did not take the time to discuss their values and goals so that they find out after they get married that one of them wants to have children and the other does not and each person remains unyielding in what they want.

Over time, if there are frequent arguments that involve criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling, this erodes the relationship (see my article: To Improve Communication in Your Relationship, Eliminate the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse),

2. Circumscribing

During this stage communication deteriorates even further. Couples begin to deliberately limit their interactions together to avoid topics that can cause conflict.

As they spend less time together, the relationship becomes more superficial. 

Due to emotional distancing, the couple spends less time sharing their thoughts and feelings and they don't have meaningful conversations.

Communication is often limited to maintaining and status quo. 

For instance, the couple might only discuss topics like their schedules and household chores.

Each person in the relationship can feel like they're living in their own world rather than having the shared experience of being in a loving relationship. 

3. Stagnating

During this stage, communication is even more infrequent and when the couple communicates, it can feels forced and strained. 

Both people feel stuck and they don't know how to get unstuck but, at the same time, they might not want to end the relationship at this point.

The couple often finds themselves just going through the motions because they're not growing and evolving in the relationship. 

People often feel a sense of resignation and hopelessness during this stage.

While couples might remain together during the stagnating stage, their decision might be more out of habit, convenience or fear of change, but there is little or no effort to improve the relationship.

4. Avoiding

During this stage, a couple spends even less time around each other and there is even more emotional and physical distance between them. 

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The couple might experience themselves as living separate lives. 

Even if neither of them makes the decision to end the relationship at this point, it can feel like the relationship is already over--even though neither of them have named it.

Avoidance becomes a way of life in the relationship. 

The couple might be sleeping in separate rooms, avoiding meaningful conversation and having little to no eye contact with each other.

5. Termination of the Relationship

This is the stage where the couple makes a decision to end the relationship. 

Communication is often limited to finalizing the end of the relationship in terms of finances, co-parenting arrangements, and other related topics.

The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

The emotions each person might experience can range from relief to sadness and grief or a combination of many different emotions.

This coming apart stage often involves telling close friends and family about the breakup, making different living arrangements and deciding how to communicate if they have children. 

If they don't have children, the couple might decide to end all contact after the relationship is over or once the divorce is finalized.

Why It's Important to Recognize The 5 Stages of a Relationship Ending

Becoming aware of problems can help you to be more aware so you can navigate these problems and make active decisions about the relationship rather than allowing the relationship to slip away and deteriorate through neglect.

Being proactive can mean that you take steps to improve the relationship, if it can be improved, or that you make a decision to part ways.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to improve their relationship, if they want to remain together, or she can help a couple to end their relationship in a healthy way.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you're struggling with problems in your relationship, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a couples therapist to work through your problems.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Fatherless Daughters: What is the Potential Emotional Impact of Growing Up Without a Father?

The potential impact for girls who grow up without a father can be profoundly traumatic.  

Fatherless Daughters

What is Fatherlessness?

Fatherlessness is defined as a lack of an emotional bond between a father and his child.  This can be the result of the father's death, abuse, addiction, incarceration, abandonment of the family or other issues.

What Role Does a Father Play in a Girl's Life?

Although psychology has mostly focused on the role of the mother, greater attention is now being paid to the father's role in a young girl's life.

A Healthy Father-Daughter Relationship

A healthy relationship with a father has an important positive impact on a girl's:

• Confidence
• Self esteem
• Self image
• Beliefs about herself
• Perspective on men
• Ability to trust
• Need for approval

A Healthy Father-Daughter Relationship

All other things being equal, women who grew up in a healthy father-daughter relationship are more likely to have:

• Self confidence
• Confidence in their choices
• Healthy body image
• Better academic achievement
• A greater ability to trust
• A greater ability to take risks
• A better opinion of men
• More meaningful relationships with men in general
• Better decision-making capability and choices in the men they choose for romantic partners

Mitigating Factors That Help Fatherless Girls in Their Psychological and Emotional Development

Although this article focuses on many of the potential problems usually associated with fatherless daughters, it's important to note that not all fatherless daughters grow up to have the problems outlined in this article. 

A Loving Grandfather With His Granddaughter

For many of them there are mitigating factors that help them in their psychological and emotional development, including other father figures like uncles, grandfathers and other healthy males who take on a paternal role.

In addition, girls who work with a qualified mental health professional can overcome many of the potential problems that are usually associated with being a fatherless daughter.  

The Potential Emotional Impact For Women Who Grew Up Without a Father

Unfortunately, girls who lose their father at a young age are at a higher risk for problems as an adult in the areas mentioned above where girls in healthy father-daughter relationships excel. 

Fatherless Daughters

There is a derogatory term, "Daddy issues" which is mostly used in social media and has no place in psychology. This popular derogatory term describes women who have been negatively impacted by the loss of their father at a young age.  

Women who grow up without a father (or an inconsistent father) often have an anxious attachment style, including fear of abandonment.  

As children, they often blamed themselves for the loss of their father and, similarly, they can blame themselves for problems in their adult relationships with men.  

In addition, they might have grown up feeling that their father wasn't around because their father didn't love them or they were in some way inherently unlovable. This can carry over into their romantic relationships with men where their low self esteem causes them to choose men who don't treat them well.

Signs That a Woman Has a Father Wound

Fatherless daughters often:

• Date Older Men: They often choose older men as romantic partners. Older men can represent security and protection to them.

• Feel Overly Anxious or Jealous: Fatherless daughters often worry that their partner might leave them for someone else or abandon them in some other way, which is related to their abandonment issues with their absent father. This anxiety and jealousy can ruin a relationship.

• Need Constant Reassurance: This is related to their deep-rooted fear of abandonment.  They might fear that their partner is angry with them or that they have made wrong decisions. This need for constant reassurance can take its toll on a relationship.

• Fear Abandonment: As previously mentioned, fear of abandonment can be a big issue for women who grew up without a father. They often place a lot of importance on being in a committed relationship--at any cost--even if their partner doesn't treat them well. Their fear of being abandoned can have the effect of driving a partner away.  It can also cause these women to be serial monogamists where they jump quickly from one relationship to another (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Fear of Abandonment).

• Get Into One Unhealthy Relationship After Another: Since they often fear being alone, they can repeat dysfunctional patterns of getting into one toxic relationship after  another.  They might choose men who cheat on them, misuse drugs or alcohol, abuse them and mistreat them in other ways (see my article: Unhealthy Relationships: Bad Luck or Poor Choices?).

Once again, I want to emphasize that the problems discussed in this article are not universally true for all fatherless daughters.

There are girls who are emotionally resilient who don't experience the problems discussed in this article.  

There can be many factors, including the mitigating factors discussed above or other related reasons why these girls don't develop these problems.  

More research is needed to identify these factors.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

As previously mentioned, the loss of a father at a young age is often detrimental, especially as girls develop into women and carry the trauma of the loss into their adult life, including their relationships.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you were traumatized by the loss of your father, it's never too late to get help.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma specialist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Many people experience increased personal meaning in their life and posttraumatic growth after they overcome their losses in trauma therapy.

With the help of a skilled trauma therapist, you can work through your loss so that you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individuals overcome trauma and loss so they can lead happier lives.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

I've written about breakups in prior articles (see my articles: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship? and When Love Doesn't Conquer All).

Ending a Long Term Relationship

Ending a relationship isn't easy, but ending a long term relationship can be especially painful for everyone involved.   You and your partner have invested in the relationship on many levels so untangling your lives is challenging.

Tips For Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Know That It's Normal to Go Through Different Emotional Stages: Initially, you might go back and forth about whether it would be better for you to stay or go.  Your ambivalent feelings can create an emotional roller coaster for you and your partner if they're aware of your changing feelings.  Even after you've made the decision that it would be best to end the relationship, you might feel guilty and ashamed about hurting your partner and, if you have children, about the emotional impact it will have on them.  You might also feel relieved at some point and then your feelings might change to grief, anger, disbelief and so on. Know that all of this is normal (see my article: Coping With the Stages of a Breakup).

• Be Clear With Your Partner: One of the most confusing things is when the partner who wants to end the relationship gives the other partner mixed messages.  Usually these mixed messages aren't intentional.  They often involve ambivalence, guilt, shame and a mixture of other confusing emotions.  But once you have made up your mind, consider carefully what you want to say in advance, especially if you think your partner will be surprised.  It might help to write about it so you can get clear on how you feel and what you want to say.  Once you have thought about it, talk to your partner privately in a calm manner without blaming them.  Be prepared for a negative reaction or for your partner to want to bargain with you so you don't end the relationship.  If so, be firm but compassionate.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Be Clear About Boundaries: This is the area where many people make mistakes.  Think carefully about how much contact, if any, you want to have with your partner after the relationship ends.  If you have children together, in most circumstances, you'll need to be in contact about them.  But, if you've made up your mind that you no longer want to be in the relationship, the conversations about the children shouldn't be used as a way to get emotionally involved again.  If there are no children and no other reasons for being in contact, you'll need to decide how to proceed.  If you think you want to try to be friends or, at least, remain amicable, be honest with yourself about why you want to do this.  Are you trying to maintain contact to give yourself the option of going back with your soon-to-be-ex?  This would definitely be a mixed message.  Also, avoid trying to get your partner back when you feel lonely. Breaking up again will be even more hurtful for both of you.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Talk to Your Children Together: If you have children together, both of you need to agree on what you want to tell them.  Speak to them together in a calm and clear way giving them an age appropriate explanation about the big change they're about to go through.  They will need reassurance that you both still love them and will be there for them.  Prepare to answer their questions and to deal with sadness and anger about how this will affect them.  Under no circumstances should either of you blame the other or try to get your children to side with you. You want to avoid the hurt and pain of creating parental alienation or split loyalty (see my articles: Talking to Your Children About the Divorce and Co-parenting After the Divorce).

• Be Prepared to Talk to Others About the Breakup: Initially, you probably want to tell only those who are closest to you and who will be emotionally supportive.  Loved ones will be concerned about your well-being, but not everyone needs to get a long, personal explanation about the breakup.  So, for the people who need to know but who aren't close to you, have a simple statement you give where you don't delve into personal details.  If people try to pry, be polite but set a boundary with them.

• Avoid Looking at Your Ex's Social Media After the Breakup: It might be tempting to secretly follow your ex on social media to see what they're doing and whether they're seeing someone else, but if you do this, you'll make yourself miserable.  So, avoid the temptation to look.

• Expect to Feel Many Confusing and Contradictory Emotions: It's normal to feel grief, anger, loneliness, confusion and second thoughts about your decision.  It's normal to feel fine about your decision one moment and then get caught up in self doubt the next moment.  Grief comes in waves and can come unexpectedly at any time. Try to stay calm and not be swayed by waves of emotion.  

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Practice Self Compassion: During this time, you'll need to be gentle with yourself.  It can be tempting to be hard on yourself when you're going through a breakup, so practice self compassion. Take extra self care in terms of making sure you eat well, get plenty of rest and take care of yourself in other ways (see my article: Developing Self Compassion).

• Don't Allow Your Loved Ones to Pressure You to "Just Get Over It":  We live in a culture that often has little tolerance for emotional pain.  This is especially true for people who haven't dealt with their own unresolved emotions.  Your feelings will take as long as they take for you.  Everyone's process is different.  There's no right or wrong amount of time to grieve the loss of your relationship.

• Get Help in Therapy: Close friends and loved ones can be emotionally supportive and you might also need the help of a licensed mental health professional to deal with the emotional stages you're experiencing.  There's no shame in asking for help.  A skilled psychotherapist can help you to cope and work through unresolved emotions (see my articles: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Help and Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Split Loyalty: Traumatic Experiences For Children After Their Parents' Divorce

I've written prior articles about divorce focusing on how to talk to children about your divorce and also how to co-parent after the breakup (see my articles:  Talking to Your Child About Divorce and Co-Parenting After Divorce).  Aside from the issues I discussed in these articles, there's another common issue that comes up for young children as well as for adult children, which is the trauma of split loyalty.

The Trauma of Split Loyalty

When most people get married, they're not thinking about getting divorced.  In addition, most people want the best for their children.  They're not trying to intentionally hurt them.  But, although it's usually unintentional, many children get caught in the middle between their parents and this is a traumatic dilemma for them.

What is Split Loyalty?

Split loyalty is also called divided loyalty or loyalty conflict.  It means that children feel they have to choose between their two parents.  This often occurs when one or both parents don't know how to model a harmonious relationship with the other parent.  

This can easily occur in the heat of a divorce when people are angry and don't realize how they're behaving in front of their children.  Aside from divorce or a relationship breakup, it also occurs when spouses remain together but they have an ongoing conflictual relationship.

The situation is even worse when parents berate each other in front of the children or the children overhear parents saying negative things about the other parents.  This is more likely to happen when parents are emotionally overwhelmed or when they talk to their children as if the children are their confidants (see my article: Why Your Child Can't Be Your Friend).

Children already feel vulnerable enough when their parents are getting divorced because they know their family situation is going to change, but they have no control over the changes in their family.  If, on top of that, they feel that their parents aren't in control of their emotions, this is especially traumatizing (see my article: Staying Emotionally Grounded During Stressful Times).

One of the worst situations is when one or both parents engage in parental alienation.  This dynamic goes beyond just showing animosity without realizing it.

Parental alienation is a deliberate attempt to alienate the child from their other parent.  This usually occurs when a parent has lost sight of what is in the best interest of the child either due to the parents' own narcissistic traits or some other psychological reason.  

Here are some examples of parental alienation:

• "Your father doesn't love you."  
• "Your mother only cares about herself"
• "Your father is so incompetent that he never does anything right."
• "I should've never married your mother."
• "Don't be like your father."
• "It makes me angry that you look so much like your mother."
• "Your father is crazy."
• "Your mother didn't treat me well."

Split loyalty is damaging for children at any age, but it's especially damaging for young children.  Children's traumatic wounds often carry over into adulthood and impact them as adults with regard to trust and the ability to be in healthy relationship (see my article: How Past Psychological Trauma Lives on in the Present).

Tips For Avoiding Split Loyalty

• Avoid confiding in your children about your anger and upset towards your ex because, if you do, you'll be setting them up to choose between you and your ex, which is very confusing for them and a no-win situation.

• Be aware of who you confide in about your negative feelings about your ex because it could get back to your children through gossip or they might overhear you speaking.

• Recognize that, unless your ex is dangerous, your children will need to continue to have a parental relationship with their other parent and it's best to do so without feeling guilty about being "disloyal" to you.

• Be respectful towards your ex and model respectful behavior in front of your children. 

• Recognize that your ex deserves the respect of your children.

• Ask your children to tell you how they're feeling about the divorce and the breakup of the family.  If they know it's acceptable for them to talk to you about their feelings, they won't feel they have to bottle up their feelings or that it's unacceptable for them to talk to you about what's happening in the family.  

• Recognize that young children and adolescents often act out because they don't have the vocabulary to express their feelings so they act it out with their behavior.  

• Be aware that children often act out with the parent they have the closer relationship because they feel emotionally safer with that parent as compared to a parent who is unreliable and, hence, emotionally unsafe.  This is important to recognize so you don't feel confused about why your child is acting out with the responsible parent and not with the one who is irresponsible (i.e., not keeping promises, not showing up, behaving in an inconsistent way, etc).

• Be aware that even if your children appear to be well and they continue to do well in school and with their peers, many children are very good at hiding their feelings.  Unlike the children who engage in acting out behavior where it's obvious there's a problem, these children internalize the trauma with little or no outward sign, so encourage your child to engage in an ongoing dialog with you about the changes in the family.  Or, if you don't have the wherewithal to do it on your own, seek help for yourself and your child.

Getting Help in Therapy

Ending a marriage or a long term relationship can be very challenging, especially when you have children.

If you feel overwhelmed, you're not alone.  Help is available to you.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek assistance from a licensed mental health professional who can help you to get through this stressful time.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

7 Reasons Why You Might Be Struggling to Get Over a Breakup

Breaking up is hard.  Whether it was a mutual decision to end the relationship or you were the one who ended it, breaking up is a challenge, especially in a long term relationship (see my articles: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup and Coping With the Stages of a Breakup).

Breakups Are Challenging 

There's no timetable for when people get over a breakup. Healing is an individual process.  It's understandable that you would want the emotional pain of the breakup to end as soon as possible, but emotions don't always respond to what you want or think.

In addition, most people have unrealistic expectations about healing from a breakup.  Part of this problem might be that they're harsh with themselves (see my article: Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

Another problem is that other people, including friends and family, who have good intentions, also have unrealistic expectations and they might try to push you to "move on" before you've worked through the grief and loss.

7 Challenges After a Breakup
Aside from the heartache which takes time to heal, there can be other issues that make it difficult to get over a breakup:

• Co-Parenting Children Together: 
• If you and your ex have children together, this is a big challenge because you'll need to interact with one another until the children are of age and can go off on their own. 
• There are countless things that need to be worked out when you have children, including: child custody, childcare, child support, housing arrangements, and other co-parenting issues.
• Being able to put aside your differences to focus on your children is paramount, but anger and resentment don't always go away after the breakup, so it takes work to reman primarily focused on the needs of your children (see my articles: Talking to Your Child About Your Divorce and Co-parenting After the Divorce).

• Giving Up the Emotional Ties With Your Ex's Family: 
• Often, the problem isn't just that you're missing your ex--you can also feel strong emotional ties to your ex's family.  
• This makes the loss much bigger.  
• Maintaining emotional ties with your ex's family can be difficult and can keep you feeling stuck in terms of healing from the breakup. Boundaries would need to be negotiated, if it's even possible to do that.

• Maintaining Mutual Friendships: 
• If you and your ex have mutual friends, it can be difficult for you, your ex and your friends to negotiate the boundaries around these friendships.  
• Friends might feel their loyalty is being tested or they might feel that they have to side with either you or your ex.  
• You or your ex might have unrealistic expectations of your mutual friends in terms of sharing information about what's going on with you or your ex after the breakup.
• Your friends might inadvertently tell you things about your ex that are hurtful or they might slip and divulge things you don't want your ex to know.

• Communicating With Your Ex After the Breakup: 
• Assuming for the moment that you and your ex don't have children or other compelling reasons to be in touch, if you're still communicating with your ex, healing from the breakup is going to be that much more difficult.  
• One or both of you might still be holding onto hope that things can be worked out between you.  But if nothing has changed, you're probably going to be facing the same problems that led to the breakup (see my articles: You're Considering Getting Back Together Again, But What Has Changed?).

• Tolerating Loneliness and Redefining the Relationship as "Friends With Benefits:" 
• After a breakup, many people feel lonely (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness).
• Many people would rather go back to a relationship that isn't working out than tolerating loneliness. 
• Some people find being out of a relationship and alone intolerable, so they try to redefine the relationship as being "friends with benefits" and continue to get together with their ex to hook up.  
• In the long run, "friends with benefits" rarely works out for people who are or were in love without confusion and resentment, especially if one person is already dating other people.  The boundary issues get muddied fast.

• Dating Again: 
• After a breakup, some people refuse to start dating again--even after they have healed from the breakup. 
• While there's a reality that dating, especially dating online, can be challenging and discouraging, many people refuse to see other people, even after they've healed.  In those instances, there can be other underlying issues, including unrealistic hopes of rekindling the former relationship or fear of getting hurt again (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Getting Hurt Again).

• Ruminating About Your Ex and Looking at Your Ex's Social Media: 
• It's common to think about your ex after a breakup. You can't just turn off your feelings like a faucet.
• It can take a while to heal and there's no one-size-fits-all time or way to do it 
• If you're spending a lot of time looking at pictures of you and your ex together or doing frequent checks to your ex's social media accounts, you're prolonging your emotional pain and not allowing yourself to heal (see my article: You Can't Stop Looking at Your Ex's Social Media Accounts).

Conclusion
Even under the best of circumstances, breakups are difficult.  Aside from the challenges that I've outlined above, there can be other problems, like unresolved earlier trauma.

For instance, a breakup often triggers old unresolved issues which make it even harder to deal with the breakup.  Many people who felt emotionally abandoned as children have an especially difficult time during a breakup because of this triggering (see my articles: Fear of Abandonment and How Past Psychological Trauma Leaves on in the Present).

Getting Help in Therapy
Working through the grief and challenges of a breakup can be difficult to do on your own, especially if you've been feeling stuck for a while.

If you feel stuck and overwhelmed, you could benefit from working with a licensed NYC psychotherapist after a breakup to help you work through unresolved issues so you can heal.

Most therapists are doing online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) during the COVID19 crisis (see my article: The Advantages of Teletherapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Asking for help can feel scary at times, but remaining stuck is even harder (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

Taking the first step of contacting a licensed mental health professional could make all the difference between prolonging your grief and getting closure that leads to a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am providing online therapy sessions during the COVID19 pandemic.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Co-Parenting After the Divorce

In a prior article, Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce, I discussed how to talk to young children about divorce.  In this article, I'm focusing on co-parenting after the divorce.

Co-Parenting After the Divorce

When a happy, romantic marriage disintegrates, it can be traumatic for the married couple as well as the children.

Most people don't get married with the idea that they'll be getting divorced one day.  There are usually expectations of a romantic, happy life together.

Unfortunately, about half of all marriages end in divorce.  Often, this is due to unrealistic expectations of marriage.

Whatever the reason for the divorce, if there aren't children involved, the two formerly married people need never see each other again.  This allows each person to grieve the end of the relationship and to, eventually, move on.

But when formerly married people have children, they need to find a way to co-parent their children in a mature, respectful way.

Despite their best efforts, many people struggle to find a way to co-parent without doing harm to their children.

Co-Parenting After the Divorce

The worst cases involve one or both parents who lack the necessary emotional maturity and interpersonal skills to co-parent and who end up doing emotional damage to their children.

Here are some basic concepts to co-parenting well:

• Accept that the marriage is over and don't try to use your children to get your ex back.  Not only is this disrespectful to your ex, but it's emotionally damaging to your children to expect them to function in this way.  Be the adult.  Don't use your children as pawns and don't expect your children to be the adults.
• Negotiate a plan with your ex, if possible, for how the two of you will speak to the children about the changes in their lives.
• Speak with the children yourself, if it's not possible for your ex to be there, explain the changes and be prepared for questions.
• Recognize that co-parenting is a challenge and prepare yourself to handle challenges as they arise.
• Be prepared for your children to try to get you and your ex back together again, even after you have explained many times why you're not together.
• Work with your ex, if possible, to get on the same page about basic rules so that your children will have a stable environment in your home as well as in your ex's home, including:  sleep time, when to do homework, curfews, etc.
• Be respectful of your ex.  Although it might be gratifying on some level for you to hear your children criticize your ex, be sure to foster a respectful environment in your home.
• Recognize that the situation will be continuously changing over time, including new romantic relationships for you and/or your partner, new marriages, new siblings or step siblings of your children, and so on.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people who are in unhappy marriages think that they will feel completely better after the divorce.

While it's true that some of the relationship pressure between you and your ex will no longer be an issue, other issues related to co-parenting can be just as difficult if not more so.

Family and friends might be supportive, but they might not be the most objective.  In the worst of cases, they might unintentionally fan the flames of your anger and despair about the divorce and co-parenting issues.

If you're finding it difficult to handle the aftermath of your divorce, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who is objective and has the experience and skills to help you overcome the challenges that you're facing.

If you're feeling unsure as to whether you want to go to therapy, it's usually best to think of the first session as a consultation where you're under no obligation to continue if you don't feel comfortable with the therapist.

The best predictor of a good outcome in therapy is for you to feel a rapport with the therapist.

Family therapy can also be helpful to assist you, your children and your ex with the transition.

So, if you're really struggling emotionally, don't wait until you're in an emotional crisis to seek help.  Take the first step today by setting up a therapy consultation.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients through the aftermath of their divorce and the challenges of co-parenting.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce

Talking to young children about your divorce isn't easy.  Depending upon what your child has heard about from their  friends, she may or may not understand what the word "divorce" means or might have misconceptions (see my article:

Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce

This is why you and your spouse want to be on the same page about how to approach your child, choosing the right time and keeping it simple.

Here are some basic suggestions:

Get Together With Your spouse Beforehand and Present a United Front:  

• Even though you and your spouse might not be getting along, you both need to put aside your differences for your child's sake.  You might be relieved that the marriage will soon be over, but expect that your child probably will be upset about it, even if she witnessed the marital conflicts.  
• Decide in advance what you will say and keep it as simple as possible.  If your child asks why you're getting divorced, you can say something simple like, "We're not getting along," but don't say, "We don't love each other anymore" because this could lead to your child thinking that, at some point, you might not love her anymore.

Choose the Right Time and Place and Leave Plenty of Time For This Talk:

• Choose a time when it's quiet and you'll have privacy to talk.  Also allot enough time for your child's questions or emotional reactions
• This isn't the kind of talk you want to have with your child in a car, in a public place, before your child goes to school or just before you go to work. 

Remain Calm and Bring Forth Your "Best Self:"

• You and your spouse need to summon your most mature and "best selves" to have this conversation.
• This isn't the time to blame your spouse or for your spouse to blame you for things that haven't worked out or to express your grievances about the marriage.
• It's also not the time to try to get your child to side with you.

Reassure Your Child That It Isn't Her Fault :

• It's very important to assure your child that the breakup of your relationship isn't her fault.  Young children are naturally egocentric during the early stage of their development and it's normal for a child to blame herself for the divorce.
• It's also very important to let her know that, even though the marriage will be over, you each will love her always and she'll be safe.

Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce

Explain What the Living and Visitation Arrangements Will Be:

• Once again, due to the early stage of a young child's development, your child will naturally be concerned about where she will live.
• You need to explain the living and visitation arrangements to your child in a simple way.
• Anticipate other questions.

Don't Assume That Your Child is Okay Just Because She's Not Reacting:

• Depending upon your child's personality and level of maturity, she may or may not react immediately.
• Don't assume that everything is okay because she's quiet.
• Although she is quiet, there can still be a lot going on in her mind that she's not expressing, so you might need to elicit questions or concerns during and after the initial talk.

Anticipate That Your Child Might Regress or Act Out After the Talk:

• It's not unusual for a child to regress to an earlier stage of development after you and your spouse talk about the divorce.  Young children usually don't have the communication skills to express their feelings, so their upset is often expressed through a regression or through acting out.
• A child of five or six might start wetting the bed or start using baby talk or feel the need to be treated like a baby again.
• This usually passes, but if it doesn't speak with your pediatrician and explain what's going on.
• Acting out could take the form of testing limits, like refusing to do homework or suddenly not want to go to school.
• Speaking of school, your child's academic performance and behavior in school might become problematic, so you want to remain in contact with the school.  
• Try to be as compassionate as you can be and recognize that your child might need further reassurance that she's going to be okay and that you and your spouse will each be okay.

Talking to Your Young Child About Your Divorce

Check In With Your Child From Time to Time After The Talk:

• It often takes young children a while to absorb all the implications of how she will be affected by the divorce, so it's best to check in with your child from time to time.
• Anticipate that she might try to bargain with the two of you to try to get you to stay together, so you might have to explain it to her again, keeping it simple.

Try Not to Worry Too Much--Most Children Are Resilient:

• Although it's normal for your child to be sad, disappointed or angry about the divorce, over time, most children are resilient and eventually bounce back, especially if you and your spouse can be respectful of one another and have an amicable relationship when it comes to the welfare of your child.
• Change can be challenging for anyone, especially children, who need structure and routine, but most children adjust to new routines, especially if they know what to expect.
• If your child is having an especially difficult time, consider taking your child to a child therapist for help.

Seek Professional Help If You and Your Spouse Are Having a Hard Time Calm and Respectful Towards Each Other For the Sake of Your Child:

• Although you and your spouse might be beyond fixing your problems, you will need to co-parent your child until she is at least 21.
• If you're having a hard time coming together in a respectful, calm way, you could benefit from attending marriage counseling to develop the necessary skills to communicate effectively with your child.
• It would be better to get help in advance than to have a talk with your child if you can't contain your hostility and anger.
• Learning how to be mature and respectful when you talk to your child and in the co-parenting process will help your child to process the change in a healthy way.  You and your spouse will also feel better about yourselves in the long run.

Getting Help in Therapy to Co-Parent After the Divorce

Next Article: Co-parenting After the Divorce

Getting Help in Therapy
Most people associate marriage counseling with trying to work out problems in a marriage so you can stay together.  That is certainly one aspect of marriage counseling.  But people also come to marriage counseling to learn how to part amicably, whether there are children are not.

If you have children, you and your spouse owe it to them and to yourselves to be your "best selves," which is often difficult to do when you're getting a divorce.

Being able to put your child first, regardless of your feelings towards your spouse, is important, and seeking help if you're unsure of yourselves can be the best step that you take during this challenging time.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my article: Coparenting After the Divorce.