You Can't Understand Your "Yeses" If You Don't Understand Your "Nos" and "Maybes"

For you to truly understand what you're agreeing to, you also need to understand what you're declining and what you're not sure about.  

This is true for all areas of your life whether it involves your loved ones, your work or other areas of your life.

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

How Can You Learn to Understand Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"?

Here are some tips:

• Develop Self Awareness: To really know what you want, you need to develop a deeper understanding of yourself using your self reflective capacity. Before you say "Yes" to someone think about how you might be saying "No" to other choices and excluding other possibilities. So, for instance, before you say "Yes" to being in an exclusive relationship with someone, think about whether you're ready to give up seeing other people and what this might be like. Reflect on what the tradeoffs are in making one choice versus making another (see my article: What is Self Reflective Capacity and Why Is It Important to You?)

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

• Prioritize What's Important to You: Instead of spreading yourself thin by people pleasing and agreeing to do things you don't want to do, prioritize what's most important to you. For instance, if you're in a relationship with someone who wants to spend all their free time with you but you know you need some time for yourself, you need to honor what you need and communicate this to your partner. If possible, try to find a compromise without neglecting your needs (see my article: Time Apart vs Time Together).

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

• Boundary Setting, Self Respect and Self Care: Know how to set boundaries with others for your own well-being. This is related to prioritizing what's important to you. This involves being assertive in a tactful way in order to respect your own needs and take care of yourself (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

How Can This Be Challenging For You?

Understanding your 'yeses", "nos" and "maybes" and following through with what you need might be challenging for you because you never learned to do it and maybe you were even taught that taking care of yourself in this way is selfish--even though it's not.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the challenges involved with understanding what you really want and how Experiential Therapy can help:

Jane

Jane, who was in her early 30s, was raised to believe she should always put others first before herself, so she would agree to do things she didn't really want to do and she would often feel exhausted afterwards.

She would say "Yes" to anyone in her life who asked her to do a favor or to spend time with them or to listen endlessly to her friend's ongoing crises (see my article: Are You Overwhelmed By Your Friends' Problems?).

When she got romantically involved with John and they became sexual, Jane wasn't sure what she liked and what she didn't like sexually so she agreed to everything John wanted, but then she felt bad about herself afterwards because she wasn't sure if she wanted to do what she did.

One day John told her he sensed that she didn't enjoy performing oral sex on him--even though she did it and she didn't complain. He told her he didn't want her to just comply--he wanted her to want to do it and, if she didn't, he wanted her to tell him. But at that point, Jane didn't know how to respond to him because she had little awareness of what she liked and what she didn't.

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

Jane realized she had little self awareness about what she liked and she didn't know how to develop self awareness. So, she sought help in Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Her therapist helped Jane to understand the connection between her family background and her current problems (see my article: Why Is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?).

Her parents, who were well intentioned, lived their lives in a way where they were always giving to others and expected very little for themselves ,and they raised Jane and her siblings in this way.

Her therapist taught Jane how to use mind-body oriented techniques, like mindfulness meditation to get to be in the present moment and to get to know herself. She also encouraged Jane to use a journal to reflect on her thoughts and emotions (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Minid-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential Therapy includes: 

• EMDR Therapy

• Parts Work Therapy

• AEDP

Jane's work in Experiential Therapy was neither quick nor easy, but she stuck with it because she realized she was developing a deeper connection with herself and getting to know herself better.

Gradually, Jane began to understand her "yeses", her "nos" and her "maybes". She also learned to be assertive in a tactful and caring way with the people in her life.

Getting to know herself sexually was the most challenging for Jane because she had conflicted feelings about pleasure and solo pleasure.

Over time, she was able to overcome her guilt and shame about sex, and she developed a healthy relationship with her own body which allowed her to discover what she enjoyed.

Her therapist, who was an Experiential therapist as well as a sex therapist, helped Jane to consider many sexual possibilities by introducing Jane to a "Yes, No, Maybe" list of sexual activities. 

Jane used the list, which had on scale from 1-5, to discover what appealed to her, what she didn didn't like and what she wasn't sure about (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

When Jane told John that she didn't enjoy oral sex, but she did enjoy other sexual activities, she was surprised that he was so understanding. This allowed her to open up and get curious emotionally and sexually with John so their relationship developed in new and exciting ways.

Conclusion

You can't understand your "yeses" if you don't know your "nos" and "maybes".

Developing self awareness is the first step in getting to know yourself better and being able to communicate with others.

People pleasing often poses an obstacle to getting to know and take care of yourself and to being able to communicate honestly with others.

When you can prioritize your own needs and set healthy boundaries with others, you will be on your way to respecting your needs, taking care of yourself and being genuine with others.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

Being able to understand and assert your needs can be challenging for a variety of reasons, including an upbringing focused on always prioritizing the needs of others. 

Experiential Therapy, which focuses on the mind-body connection, is uniquely suited for helping clients to get to attune to themselves and to interact in a healthy way with others.

If you have been struggling with understanding your needs and setting boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with an Experiential Therapist.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

A skilled Experiential Therapist can help you to develop increased self awareness through a mind-body oriented approach, prioritize your needs and set healthy boundaries.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a Experiential Therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York Experiential Therapist.

I am an EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work, EFT (couples therapist) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Be Open to New Relationship Possibilities After Healing From a Bad Breakup

Opening your heart to new relationship possibilities can be challenging after a bad breakup (see my article: Coping With a Breakup).

After a bad breakup, some people vow to never be in a relationship again. Then there are others who get involved too quickly to avoid feeling the pain of their breakup (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

As a psychotherapist in private practice who works with both individual adults and couples, I see both--individuals who rush to get involved too quickly and others who close themselves off to the possibility of getting involved with someone new.

How to Be Open to a New Relationship After a Bad Breakup

Each person has to make their own decision about what's best for them.

For people who want to be open to a new relationship eventually, these tips might be helpful:

• Give Yourself Time to Grieve and Heal: Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger and disappointment without judging yourself for having these feelings, which are common and normal. Too many people jump into their next relationship to avoid feeling the emotional pain from a recent breakup. This is a mistake. Give yourself the time and space to heal--even if it's taking longer than you might have expected. Along the way practice self compassion and don't judge yourself. Recognize that many people have gone through what you're going through and with time they have healed (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Sadness).

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on taking care of yourself by eating nutritious meals, getting enough sleep,  exercising at a pace that's right for you and, in general, focusing on your well-being. Practice self reflection to understand what happened in your last relationship and how you might avoid the same problems in the future (see my article: Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings and Learning From Past Relationships).

• Strengthen Your Emotional Support System: Connect with supportive loved ones. Also consider getting help in therapy from a licensed mental health professional if you're struggling. Avoid isolating (see my article: Why Close Friendships Are Important).

• Develop a Healthy Mindset: Before you get involved in a new relationship, learn to be comfortable with yourself (see my article: What is a Growth Mindset?).

• Try Not to Go to Either Extreme: Try to stay balanced. Don't rush into dating again. Conversely, try not to become so fearful about potential new relationships just because your last relationship didn't work out. Although you might discover that you prefer the solitude of your own company, don't allow fear to foreclose the possibility of being with someone new (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

• Be Intentional When You're Ready: If and when you're ready, look for someone who aligns with your overall values. You don't need to align on every belief, but choose someone with whom you're basically compatible (see my article: The Power of Starting the Day With a Positive Intention).

Conclusion

Getting through the heartbreak of a difficult breakup can leave you feeling sad, disappointed, fearful and anxious. These are common reactions.

After you have grieved, if you prefer to be single and unattached, make that decision based on a healthy mindset and not out of anger, fear or bitterness. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Many people choose to remain single. They have healthy relationships with friends and family and they develop interests and hobbies so life is meaningful.

If you want to be in a relationship after you have grieved your prior breakup, take care of yourself first. Allow yourself to grieve to heal and, after you have healed, think about what you want in your next relationship. Then, learn to be open to new possibilities.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to grieve or you feel stuck in the grieving process, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you through the grieving process so you can heal.

Rather than struggling alone, get help in therapy so you can move through your grief and go on to live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Cope With News Anxiety

Do you feel overwhelmed by the news? (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

Coping With News Anxiety

If you do, you're not alone. 

I'm hearing about news anxiety from almost everyone I know who is anxious about what they're hearing on the news (see my article:  Self Care During Turbulent Times).

How News Anxiety Can Affect You

News anxiety can affect your mental health in many ways including:

• Feeling frustrated, powerless and helpless
• Having sleep problem (see my article: Tips to Improve Your Sleep)
• Feeling depressed
• Feeling anxious
  
• Anxiety-related health problems
• Over or under-eating
• Other anxiety-related symptoms

How to Cope With News Anxiety

• Make Self Care a Priority: It's important to have self care routines including:
• Meditation
  
• Listening to music
• Doing a breathing exercise

Make Self Care a Priority

• Taking a relaxing bath
• Reading or listening to a book you like
• Enjoying your favorite movie, podcast or TV program
• Engaging in hobbies you enjoy

Staying Physically Active

• Staying physically active
• Eating nutritious meals
• Getting good sleep
• Walking in nature (see my article: Walking in Nature Can Improve Your Mood)

• Choose a Reliable Source of Information: Use good judgment when you're selecting your news source. Choose a news source which is known to be reliable. Don't rely solely on social media because there's a lot of misinformation on social media.

• Limit the Time You Watch or Listen to the News: It's important to be well informed, but that doesn't mean listening or watching the news for hours. In many cases, the same news is being rebroadcast over and over again. That means that you're watching or listening to the same disturbing information multiple times and possibly seeing the same disturbing images. 

• Avoid Doomscrolling: Don't spend a lot of time scrolling negative posts on social media. 

Put Your Phone Away at Night to Get Better Sleep

• Turn Your Phone Off and Put It Away at Night: Have a wind down routine before going to sleep. Scrolling on your phone, texting or reading or listening to the news at night when you need to relax can make you anxious and keep you up. Turn off your phone and put it away so you can get the rest you need.

• Try to Find Positive News Story: While it's true that there's lots of bad news, there are also positive stories. Try to find positive and inspiring stories so you don't feel like everything is doomed.

• Maintain Positive Social Connections: It's easy to feel alone and overwhelmed by the news, so it's important to stay connected with friends and loved ones. If you can't see them in person, give them a call or meet online.  

Maintain Positive Social Connections

• Get Involved to Feel Empowered and Make a Difference: There are many positive advocacy and social justice organizations where you can donate your time and money. Find the ones you like and find out what they're doing to overcome problems. When you get involved, you're can make a difference. When you feel you're making a difference, you're less likely to feel helpless and hopeless. You will also be around other like-minded people so you won't feel alone.

Get Involved to Feel Empowered

• Be Aware That the News Might Be Triggering Unresolved Trauma: If you have unresolved trauma, listening to disturbing news can not only increase your anxiety--it can also trigger unresolved trauma. This can increase feelings of anxiety, hopelessness and helplessness. If this is happening to you, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist to resolve your trauma so it no longer gets triggered (see my article: How Does Trauma Therapy Work?).

Getting Help in Therapy

News anxiety can have a negative impact on your mental health including triggering unresolved trauma. 

Get Help in Therapy

If unresolved trauma is getting triggered, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist.

        See my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You Overcome Unresolved Trauma

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the training and expertise to help you to overcome unresolved trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life free of your trauma.

Also see my article: Strategies For Coping With Post-Election Stress

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a trauma therapist with over 20 years of expertise, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Strategies For Coping With Post Election Stress

Many people are under a lot of stress during this post election time (see my article: Developing Calmness and Balance During Stressful Times).

Coping with Post Election Stress

Fear and anxiety are running high and many people don't know how to cope with their emotions. 

This is especially true for people who feel the future is very uncertain and there's nothing they can do about it (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

The purpose of this article is to provide suggestions which can help you to get through this difficult time.

Strategies For Coping With Post Election Fear and Anxiety

• Acknowledge and Accept How You Feel Right Now: The first step to coping with any uncomfortable feelings is to acknowledge and accept that this is how you're feeling right now rather than denying it or trying to push down your feelings. Also, be aware that how you feel right now might not be how you feel over time, especially if you take steps to take care of yourself.

Coping with Post Election Stress: Accept Your Feelings

• Know You're Not Alone: When you're feeling anxious and fearful, you might feel like you're alone--even though you know rationally that there are millions of people who feel the same way. But you're not alone. (see my article: Steps to Overcome Loneliness).

• Seek Connection With Like-Minded People: Instead of isolating, seek connection with others who have similar feelings. There is comfort in knowing you're not alone with your anxiety and fear. Talking with others who feel as you do can help, especially if your conversations lead to new ways of coping and taking action for yourself and others.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Seek Connection

• Take Care of Yourself: Eating nutritious meals, getting good sleep, exercising at a level that's right for you and taking care of your mental health are all important, especially when you're under stress (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

• Take Part in Enjoyable Activities: Whether you enjoy walks in the park, getting together with friends and family or engaging in activities that uplift you, make the time for these activities.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Enjoy Activities

• Take Breaks From the News: It's important to be well informed, but watching hours and hours of broadcast news can make you feel even more anxious, so taking breaks from the news is important.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Volunteer

• Volunteer With Advocacy Groups: Volunteering is a way to feel less isolated. Volunteering can also help to reduce your feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and apathy. There are plenty of groups, including climate change groups, groups to preserve democracy, women's rights groups, LGBTQ groups and other advocacy groups that can use your help and help you to feel like you're making a difference (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Isolation).

Coping With Post Election Stress: Seek Help From a Psychotherapist

• Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: If you feel you're struggling with fear, anxiety or depression and self help strategies aren't helping you, seek help from a licensed mental health professional. A skilled psychotherapist can provide you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve calm and balance in your life (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 25 years of experience as a psychotherapist, I have helped many clients to overcome fear, anxiety and unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

What's the Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness?

We live in a world where we're often bombarded by overstimulation to our senses.  Whether this involves our increased accessibility with cellphones, texts, voicemail, social media, the ability to get "breaking news" 24/7 on cable news and the Internet, or the hustle and bustle of living in New York City, this overstimulation can exhaust us.  

Solitude: The State of Being Alone Without Feeling Lonely

Solitude vs Loneliness

Being able to enjoy times when we're alone so we can experience peace and a sense of solitude can help us to relax and de-stress from these overstimulating environments.  It's part of taking care of ourselves.  

But for many people, being alone isn't about solitude at all.  It's about feeling lonely and abandoned. This makes it hard for them to de-stress.  

How can we understand the difference between being alone with a sense solitude vs being alone and feeling lonely? 

In this blog post, I'll explore loneliness and solitude.  First, I'll start with loneliness, including feelings of loneliness that we all feel, and a much more pervasive type of loneliness connected to feeling abandoned.  Then, I'll explore solitude, what it means, how to experience it, why some people have problems experiencing solitude and how to overcome this problem.

It's important to understand that everyone feels lonely at times in their lives. Often, people who are not in relationships imagine that if they had a partner, they wouldn't ever feel lonely.

Loneliness

• Even if You're in a Relationship, You Can Feel Lonely at Times: Even if you're happily married or partnered, you can feel lonely at times. Your spouse or partner will not always be perfectly in synch with your emotional state all of the time, even in the best relationship.  You might also be with a partner who is emotionally avoidant and disengages from you emotionally (see my article Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

• Attributing a Negative Meaning to Occasional Loneliness: Acknowledging and accepting occasional loneliness is part of mature adult development. But if you attribute a negative meaning to being lonely (e.g., you're a "loser," no one wants to be with you), you're going to have a very different perspective about occasional loneliness than someone who accepts it as normal.  Berating yourself for what is normal will also erode your sense of self (see my article: Changing the Negative Stories You Tell Yourself).

• When Being Alone Triggers Feelings of Loneliness and Abandonment: Occasional loneliness is different from a pervasive feeling of being lonely and feeling abandoned most of the time.  When adults, who haven't learned to enjoy a sense of solitude, are by themselves, they will often go to great lengths not to be alone--even if it means being with people that they don't like. If there's no one around, they often keep themselves constantly distracted by keeping the TV on (even if they're not watching or listening to it), by overeating as a form of comfort, by drinking too much or using illicit drugs, smoking cigarettes, and so on. Even though they might realize they're exhausting themselves by keeping themselves distracted, it's preferable to them than dealing with feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

A History of Emotional Neglect as a Child Can Trigger Loneliness When You're Alone as an Adult

During the course of childhood development, if a young child doesn't have a fairly consistent and reliable loving presence, he or she feels abandoned.  Later on, as an adult, being alone often triggers feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

With nurturing caregivers, who are "good enough," we learn to play on our own in the presence of our adult caregivers. At around the age of three, if all goes well, we become a little more independent, being able to tolerate some alone time because we had a good early foundation with our caregivers.  

We learn to use our imagination to enter into our play and fantasy world while mom or dad is in another room nearby.  A child of three will often check back to see where mom or dad might be, and having seen that his parent is nearby, the child can go back to playing, feeling safe and secure.  More than likely, if all else goes well, this child will grow up to enjoy a sense of solitude from time to time.

But for adults who have a history of feeling emotionally abandoned as children, being alone can often feel intolerable. There is no comfort or solitude in being alone. They never learned to be alone.  Being alone means being abandoned, lonely and unworthy of love.

If being alone is intolerable, they need someone around to distract themselves from their uncomfortable feelings.  If they eat in a restaurant by themselves, they feel self conscious and fear that others are looking at them and thinking that they're alone because no one wants to be around them. If they have to go to a social event where they don't know anyone, they fear that no one will talk to them. They might even avoid going out alone because of the uncomfortable feelings that it provokes in them.

Solitude

What is Solitude?
Solitude is being able to enjoy your own company, feeling peaceful and relaxed, when you're by yourself at times.  If you can enjoy solitude, getting away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life is an important part of managing your stress.

How to Enjoy Solitude as Part of Self Care

The following are brief examples of enjoying solitude:

Marie:  Marie enjoys getting up early, before her husband and children wake up, to spend an hour or so on her own quietly sipping tea in the kitchen and reading a book. It's part of her self care routine.

Solitude as Self Care

She and her husband have a loving relationship. They enjoy spending time together as well as with their children, but Marie feels that this one hour in the morning that she has to herself before her busy day begins helps her to ease into her day in a more relaxed and quiet way. She values this time and, occasionally, when something happens where she can't spend this hour of solitude in the morning, she realizes that she is more likely to feel more frazzled during the rest of the day.

Bob:  Before he goes to bed, Bob likes to spend a half hour or so reading a favorite novel. While his wife is preparing for bed, Bob enjoys going off to the den, where it's quiet and he can have some time for himself. 

Solitude: Enjoying a Favorite Novel

This has been his nightly ritual for the five years that he and his wife have been married. At first, his wife didn't understand why Bob needed this time at the end of the day. But soon after they got married, his wife realized that she also felt more relaxed and refreshed if she also took this time to take a bubble bath, meditate or listen to music before she and Bob went to bed.

Laura:  Laura likes to take a walk in the park near her office at lunch time. Getting away from the busy phones and the demands of her job helps her to come back to the office feeling renewed and relaxed. 

Solitude as a Way to Relax

There are just enough people in the park so she feels safe, but not so many that she feels intruded or impinged upon. She can take an hour or so to lose herself in the beauty of nature or she can watch the dogs playing in the nearby dog run section of the park. She feels connected to nature at the same time that she also feels a sense of comfort with herself. On days when she spends her lunch hour working, instead of going to the park, she feels much more tired and stressed out by the end of the day.

Getting Help to Overcome a Sense of Loneliness and Emotional Isolation 
The good news is that if you've never learned to feel the comfort of solitude and being alone triggers feelings of alienation and loneliness, you can learn to overcome these issues in therapy.

There's no "quick fix," but many people have overcome this problem.   It's never too late to learn how to overcome the discomfort and fear of being alone. You can learn to enjoy solitude so you can have times when you can relax and enjoy your own company.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist. 

I work with individuals and couples.  

I have helped many clients to overcome trauma their fears of being alone (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

I've written about breakups in prior articles (see my articles: Should You Stay or Should You Leave Your Relationship? and When Love Doesn't Conquer All).

Ending a Long Term Relationship

Ending a relationship isn't easy, but ending a long term relationship can be especially painful for everyone involved.   You and your partner have invested in the relationship on many levels so untangling your lives is challenging.

Tips For Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Know That It's Normal to Go Through Different Emotional Stages: Initially, you might go back and forth about whether it would be better for you to stay or go.  Your ambivalent feelings can create an emotional roller coaster for you and your partner if they're aware of your changing feelings.  Even after you've made the decision that it would be best to end the relationship, you might feel guilty and ashamed about hurting your partner and, if you have children, about the emotional impact it will have on them.  You might also feel relieved at some point and then your feelings might change to grief, anger, disbelief and so on. Know that all of this is normal (see my article: Coping With the Stages of a Breakup).

• Be Clear With Your Partner: One of the most confusing things is when the partner who wants to end the relationship gives the other partner mixed messages.  Usually these mixed messages aren't intentional.  They often involve ambivalence, guilt, shame and a mixture of other confusing emotions.  But once you have made up your mind, consider carefully what you want to say in advance, especially if you think your partner will be surprised.  It might help to write about it so you can get clear on how you feel and what you want to say.  Once you have thought about it, talk to your partner privately in a calm manner without blaming them.  Be prepared for a negative reaction or for your partner to want to bargain with you so you don't end the relationship.  If so, be firm but compassionate.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Be Clear About Boundaries: This is the area where many people make mistakes.  Think carefully about how much contact, if any, you want to have with your partner after the relationship ends.  If you have children together, in most circumstances, you'll need to be in contact about them.  But, if you've made up your mind that you no longer want to be in the relationship, the conversations about the children shouldn't be used as a way to get emotionally involved again.  If there are no children and no other reasons for being in contact, you'll need to decide how to proceed.  If you think you want to try to be friends or, at least, remain amicable, be honest with yourself about why you want to do this.  Are you trying to maintain contact to give yourself the option of going back with your soon-to-be-ex?  This would definitely be a mixed message.  Also, avoid trying to get your partner back when you feel lonely. Breaking up again will be even more hurtful for both of you.

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Talk to Your Children Together: If you have children together, both of you need to agree on what you want to tell them.  Speak to them together in a calm and clear way giving them an age appropriate explanation about the big change they're about to go through.  They will need reassurance that you both still love them and will be there for them.  Prepare to answer their questions and to deal with sadness and anger about how this will affect them.  Under no circumstances should either of you blame the other or try to get your children to side with you. You want to avoid the hurt and pain of creating parental alienation or split loyalty (see my articles: Talking to Your Children About the Divorce and Co-parenting After the Divorce).

• Be Prepared to Talk to Others About the Breakup: Initially, you probably want to tell only those who are closest to you and who will be emotionally supportive.  Loved ones will be concerned about your well-being, but not everyone needs to get a long, personal explanation about the breakup.  So, for the people who need to know but who aren't close to you, have a simple statement you give where you don't delve into personal details.  If people try to pry, be polite but set a boundary with them.

• Avoid Looking at Your Ex's Social Media After the Breakup: It might be tempting to secretly follow your ex on social media to see what they're doing and whether they're seeing someone else, but if you do this, you'll make yourself miserable.  So, avoid the temptation to look.

• Expect to Feel Many Confusing and Contradictory Emotions: It's normal to feel grief, anger, loneliness, confusion and second thoughts about your decision.  It's normal to feel fine about your decision one moment and then get caught up in self doubt the next moment.  Grief comes in waves and can come unexpectedly at any time. Try to stay calm and not be swayed by waves of emotion.  

Ending a Long Term Relationship

• Practice Self Compassion: During this time, you'll need to be gentle with yourself.  It can be tempting to be hard on yourself when you're going through a breakup, so practice self compassion. Take extra self care in terms of making sure you eat well, get plenty of rest and take care of yourself in other ways (see my article: Developing Self Compassion).

• Don't Allow Your Loved Ones to Pressure You to "Just Get Over It":  We live in a culture that often has little tolerance for emotional pain.  This is especially true for people who haven't dealt with their own unresolved emotions.  Your feelings will take as long as they take for you.  Everyone's process is different.  There's no right or wrong amount of time to grieve the loss of your relationship.

• Get Help in Therapy: Close friends and loved ones can be emotionally supportive and you might also need the help of a licensed mental health professional to deal with the emotional stages you're experiencing.  There's no shame in asking for help.  A skilled psychotherapist can help you to cope and work through unresolved emotions (see my articles: Overcoming Your Discomfort With Asking For Help and Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.