Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

Becoming aware of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship can help you to break destructive patterns that create problems for you and your partner (see my article: Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior).

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

Self sabotaging behavior in relationships can be conscious or unconscious behavior that stem from fear of abandonment, low self esteem, unresolved trauma and other related problems.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

This destructive behavior often acts as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional pain.  

What Does Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship Look Like?

The following are examples of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

• Creating Conflict and Drama: Picking fights over small issues, being very critical or finding faults with a partner to cause problems

• Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Distancing, shutting down emotionally or exiting conversations when intimacy or conflicts arise. Note: Many individuals who have an avoidant attachment style withdraw because they are overwhelmed and they need time to recoup. This is different from withdrawing to intentionally distance yourself from your partner (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Testing Loyalty: Setting up tests to see how much your partner cares about you. This often leads to a self fulfilling prophecy of abandonment when the tests are unreasonable.

• Insecurity and Jealousy: Projecting insecurities, excessive monitoring or comparing current partners unfavorably to past partners (see my article: Jealousy Isn't Love).

• Ending a Relationship Prematurely: Ending a relationship before it can end on its own. This often occurs out of fear of a future rejection by the partner.

• Holding Onto Grudges and Resentment: Refusing to let go of past minor disagreements or mistakes so there is no repair between you and your partner. Instead of actively repairing the problem between you, you avoid dealing with it so that, over time, there is a pile-up of grudges and resentment which causes emotional disconnection between you and your partner or the relationship ends from the weight of the resentments (see my article: The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Distance and Loneliness in Relationships).

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

• Fear of Abandonment or Rejection: Pushing your partner away to avoid an anticipated future rejection--even in cases where this fear is a distortion

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Fear of Emotional Vulnerability: Lacking trust or experiencing a fear of taking the risk to open up emotionally. Since being vulnerable is an essential part of a healthy relationship, this fear can ruin a relationship (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• Low Self Esteem:  A feeling that you don't deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship

• Unrealistic Expectations: Holding your partner to unrealistic or impossible standards (see my article: Your Partner Can't Meet All Your Needs).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

Jane

When Jane met Alan, she realized she liked him a lot and she wanted to get to know him better.

Three months later, they both agreed they had fallen in love and they wanted to be exclusive so they stopped dating other people.

Initially, Jane enjoyed her time with Alan and she could foresee a long term relationship and even marriage.  But, as they got closer, her old fears and insecurities made her feel very anxious and fearful in the relationship. 

One of her biggest fears was she anticipated that Alan would realize that she wasn't good enough for him and he would leave her (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That Others Won't Like You If They Got to Know the "Real You").

She talked to Alan about this and he tried to reassure her that he loved her and he wanted to be with her, but no amount of reassurance helped to alleviate Jane's fears.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

When Jane became overwhelmed with her fear that Alan would leave her, she would break up with him. Initially, she felt relieved because she was no longer dreading being abandoned. But soon afterward, she regretted breaking up with him and she would feel desperate to rekindle their relationship.

After they got back together again, Jane's fear and insecurity would come up again. She knew she didn't want to break up with Alan, but she found the emotional vulnerability of being in the relationship to be overwhelming. 

At the time, she didn't realize that she would pick arguments with him over insignificant things as a way of creating emotional distance. But when they started couples therapy, the couples therapist helped them to see the negative cycle in their relationship and Jane realized she was picking fights with Alan out of fear.

In addition to couples therapy, Jane attended her own individual trauma therapy to deal with the underlying trauma that was the cause of her self sabotaging behavior.

Over time, Jane was able to work through her unresolved childhood trauma which created her fear of abandonment and insecurity. She and Alan also learned to work as a team to prevent the negative cycle in their relationship with the help of their couples therapist.

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

• Recognize Patterns and Triggers: To recognize patterns and triggers requires self awareness and a willingness to change. 

• Develop Open Communication: Instead of engaging in passive aggressive or other unhealthy behavior, create open and vulnerable communication with your partner. 

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Build Self Esteem: Work on developing your self esteem to accept love and accept being in a healthy relationship without fear and reactive behavior.

• Work on Unresolved Personal Trauma in Trauma Therapy: Since the root cause of self sabotaging behavior usually stems from unresolved childhood trauma, work on these issues in trauma therapy so that you no longer get triggered in your relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

• Work on Relationship Issues in Couples Therapy: A couples therapist who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you and your partner to identify and prevent and a negative cycle in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during busness hours or email me.

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

Becoming aware of your recurring self sabotaging behavior requires a willingness to explore your patterns with self compassion.

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior?

Self sabotaging behavior often begins with unconscious thoughts and emotions that create roadblocks to your personal growth, well-being, goals and success (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Self sabotaging behavior usually involves a conflict between what you want and your unconscious fears or insecurity.

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The root of self sabotaging behavior often begins in early childhood. This might include early messages from parents that you're not good enough or you're unlovable. 

These traumatic messages usually get internalized at a deep unconscious level so that, as an adult, you might not recognize the origin of your self sabotaging behavior (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By Your History).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Growing up in a chaotic, unpredictable environment can create a fear of change so that you remain stuck in unhealthy ways of being (see my article: How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?).

In addition, you might equate what is familiar to you, including self sabotaging behavior, as "safety" even if you are aware that it's unhealthy. In other words, you might prefer what is known, including unhealthy behavior, to what is unknown, including trying to develop healthier ways of coping.

Self sabotaging behavior is often triggered by stressful situations. 

When you have little to no awareness about what triggers your behavior, your pattern continues because, instead of exploring what triggered the behavior, you fall into the trap of continuing to enact the same self destructive patterns (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

What Are Examples of Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The following are a few examples of self sabotaging behavior:

• Procrastination: Delaying tasks to avoid potential failure or judgment including self judgment (see my article: Overcoming Procrastination)

• Perfectionism: Setting unrealistic standards which causes stagnation (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism)

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Escapism: Using unhealthy coping skills to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions. These unhealthy coping skills might include excessive drinking, illicit drugs, compulsive gambling, overspending and other attempts to escape

• Relationship Sabotage: Pushing people away, avoiding vulnerability or creating conflict in a relationship as a way to create emotional distance

• Negative Self Talk: Self criticism which erodes your self esteem

• Avoiding New Opportunities: Ignoring or withdrawing from new challenges or opportunities for growth (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilities in Your Life)

• Remaining Stuck in Unhealthy Familiar Patterns : Refusing to try new things because what is familiar feels "safer" even if it is self destructive

How to Overcome Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

• Awareness: In order to change any kind of unhealthy pattern of behavior, you must first become aware of the pattern. This means that, instead of blaming others or "bad luck", you need to look at how you are contributing to your problems. Self compassion is an important part of this step because if your awareness triggers self criticism, you can get stuck in a loop of unhealthy behavior. This involves taking a step back and looking for recurring patterns of behavior. For instance, if you have problems with relationship sabotage, you become aware of your contribution to recurring problems in relationships.

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Identify Triggers and Recurring Patterns: Track your actions to identify your triggers and recurring patterns. For instance, you might realize in hindsight that a pattern of procrastination starts with your fear of failure. You can do this by journaling about your thoughts, emotions and behavior, including recurring unhealthy patterns. After you have identified the patterns, write about how you want to handle these situations.

• Challenge Your Negative Thoughts: Replace negative thoughts with realistic positive thoughts (see my article: Overcoming Habitual Negative Thoughts).

• Set Manageable Goals: Since feeling overwhelmed can trigger avoidance behavior, break down big tasks into smaller parts to reduce the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed.

• Learn to Be in the Present Moment: Develop healthy habits, like practicing breathing exercises and mindfulness, to be in the present moment rather than allowing your thoughts to project too far into the future. 

Get Help in Therapy

Recurring patterns of ingrained self sabotaging behavior can be difficult to identify and even more challenging to change on your own because these patterns often start at a young age before you realize it.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to change self sabotaging behavior.

Once you have freed yourself from these unhealthy behaviors, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior 

Anxiety Can Be a Signal That You Are Suppressing Deeper Emotions

Anxiety is a common mental state that everyone experiences at one time or another. 

Anxiety can either be an adaptive emotion or it can be an inhibitory emotion, which I'll explain in this article (see my article: What is the Difference Between Fear and Anxiety?).

Anxiety Can Signal Suppressed Emotions

What is Anxiety?

Anxiety is characterized by physical and mental symptoms including (but are not limited to):

• Muscle tension
• Rapid heartbeat 
• Headaches
• Shortness of breath
• Digestive issues
• Lightheadedness
• Trouble sleeping
  
• Fatigue
• Nausea
• Trembling
• Twitching
• Excessive worry or a sense of impending danger
• Irritability
• Restlessness
• Avoidance of feared situations

When is Anxiety Adaptive?

Mild anxiety can be adaptive. 

For instance, mild anxiety can be adaptive before taking an exam, giving a presentation or preparing for a sporting event because it acts as a catalyst to help you to focus and prepare for these events to improve your performance.

When is Anxiety a Signal You Are Suppressing Deeper Emotions?

Anxiety can also act as a secondary emotion that let's you know you're suppressing core emotions, which are also known as deeper emotions or primary emotions (I'll use these terms interchangeably).

Core emotions include:

• Sadness
• Fear
• Joy
• Anger
• Surprise
• Disgust

When is Anxiety an Inhibitory Emotion?

When you experience anxiety as a secondary emotion, the anxiety is a signal that you are suppressing (or inhibiting) core emotions. 

Learning to suppress emotions often occurs early in life. 

As a child, you might have learned that emotions are "dangerous". 

This usually occurs when a  parent, who is uncomfortable with certain emotions, either ignores, punishes or lets you know in some other way that these emotions are unsafe.

Learning to Suppress Emotions as a Child

For instance, let's say you cried as a child because you were afraid of going to school. If your  parent was uncomfortable with your crying and didn't know how to handle your emotions, your parent might have said, "Stop being a drama queen" or "Big girls don't cry" or "You look ugly when you cry" (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

If you had enough of these experiences as a child, you learn that it's unsafe to experience certain emotions because your parent isn't going to comfort you or, worse still, your parent will ignore, punish or criticize you. So, rather than experiencing the unbearable vulnerability of being alone with uncomfortable emotions, you learn to suppress these emotions.

When emotions are suppressed, the suppression creates trapped emotional energy which forces the body to keep the nervous system in a chronic state of fight-or-flight. This results in sustained spikes of cortisol or adrenaline which can create the anxiety-related symptoms mentioned above (racing heart, muscle tension and so on).

How Can You Address Suppressed Core Emotions?

If you notice you're feeling anxious and it's not a mild anxiety that is adaptive, you can pause, get curious, tune into your body and ask yourself, "What am I feeling underneath this anxiety?"

Using Somatic Awareness to Tune Into Your Body

For instance, if you tune into your body and notice that underneath your anxiety you're feeling sadness, you can reduce the anxiety in your body by allowing yourself to feel the sadness (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Somatic Awareness).

At that point, maybe you allow yourself to cry to release some of the sadness or maybe you write in a journal to express your sadness. 

You might also talk to a trusted friend so you don't feel alone with your sadness and you can  receive validation that your experience is normal and your friend has had similar experiences.

Other emotions that suppress core emotions are shame and guilt.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you find it difficult to tune into your body and detect the emotions you are suppressing, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who practices Experiential Therapy.

A psychotherapist who practices Experiential Therapy can help you to develop the necessary somatic awareness to deal with suppressed emotions and the underlying issues.

Experiential therapies are especially helpful in overcoming anxiety and trauma (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?).

Experiential therapies include:

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)

• Somatic Experiencing (SE)

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS or Ego State Therapy)

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can calm your nervous system, deal with the underlying issues you have been suppressing and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As an Experiential Therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Self Help Tips For Coping With Anxiety

Getting Help For Anxiety in Therapy 

What Does Processing Your Emotions Mean?

How to Cope With News Anxiety 

Overcoming Adult Separation Anxiety

What is the Connection Between Anxiety and Depression? 

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

Grief for a deceased parent isn't always related to how close you were.

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

In fact, grief related to the loss of a parent you weren't close to can be even more intense than grief for a nurturing parent because it often involves grieving for what  you hoped for and never got (see links for my articles about grief below).

For adults who have lost a parent under these circumstances, part of the grief is knowing that the warm loving relationship you might have wished for can never be experienced after your parent died. The death can bring a painful finality to your wish and wash away any hopes you might have had to improve the relationship.

Clinical Vignette:

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed:

Alex

Alex was in his mid-30s when he received a phone call from his stepmother, a woman he had never met, telling Alex that his father had terminal cancer. She told him that his father was in hospice and he wasn't expected to live more than a few days.

Before Alex could respond, his stepmother put his father on the phone to say a few words. It was clear to Alex that his father was heavily medicated and Alex didn't know what to say. His father asked for Alex's forgiveness for walking out on Alex and Alex's mother more than 30 years ago. He said he regretted not ever contacting Alex after he walked out on them.

Alex was shocked and confused. He didn't want to reject his father's dying wish, so he told his father that he forgave him. Then, his stepmother got back on the phone and told Alex that his father was too weak to talk any more. Before she hung up,she told Alex she would keep him apprised.

Not knowing what else to do, Alex sat for several minutes to take in what had just happened. When he was a child, he would ask his mother where his father had gone and his mother would tell him that his father was away on a business trip. But as weeks turned into months and years, Alex realized his father wasn't returning and he never asked his mother about it again because he didn't want to upset her.

Alex buried his feelings about his father and tried not to think about him. But there were times in his life when Alex felt sad that his father wasn't there for him, like when he graduated high school, when he graduated college, when he got married and when he had his first child. But during those times he didn't allow himself to dwell on those thoughts.

By the next day, Alex thought he might want to go visit his father before his father passed away, but then he received another call from his stepmother that his father died that night. She said she planned to have a memorial service in a few months and invited Alex to attend and meet his half brother, Jack.

A wave of profound sadness came over Alex. His wife attempted to soothe him, but Alex was too confused, anxious and angry to talk about it. He never even knew he had a half brother.

His wife said to him, "But you haven't seen your father in so many years and you don't even remember him. So, why do you feel sad?"

Alex couldn't explain why he felt so many mixed emotions, but after weeks passed and he didn't feel any better, he got help in therapy.

Grieving For a Parent Who Wasn't There For You

His therapist helped Alex explore his feelings and he realized that, even though he didn't allow himself to dwell on being abandoned by his father, he always had a wish that he and his father would reunite and they would develop a strong father-son relationship. But now that his father was dead, the reconciliation was impossible and this made him feel deeply sad.

His therapist helped Alex to grieve the abandonment and the loss of a relationship he wished for but now would never have. He also worked on his anger about his father asking him as he was dying to forgive him because, even though Alex said he forgave him, he wasn't sure how he felt.

As Alex continued to work on these issues in therapy, he realized how much he had stuffed his feelings from the time he was young because there was no one to help him with his complicated feelings about being abandoned and never seeing his father again. He believed his mother did the best she could, but she wasn't emotionally equipped to help him when he was a child.

After his father's death, when he spoke to his mother, he realized her memories of that time were different from his. She believed she had sat him down, talked to him and comforted him after his father left. When he told her what he remembered, she denied it, so Alex dropped the subject.

The memorial service was several months away and Alex had mixed feelings about going. Part of him wanted to go to meet his half brother and to find out more about his father, but another part of him didn't want to go. Even though he knew logically that none of this was his half brother's fault, he felt hurt and angry that his half brother had the relationship with his father that Alex wanted.

Then one day Alex received a call from his half brother, Jack, and they talked for over an hour. Jack said he could only imagine how difficult it must have been for Alex to get the call from Jack's mother after so many years. He also hoped they could meet and get to know each other.

Over time, they developed a relationship and Alex decided to go to the memorial service.

It took Alex a while to sort out his feelings about his father and his anger about the way his mother lied to him when his father left. But he also felt relieved to release the emotions in therapy--emotions he had suppressed for so many years.

Over time, Alex worked out his grief in therapy and maintained a relationship with Jack.

Getting Help in Therapy

Grieving for a deceased parent is difficult and it can be that much more difficult when a parent hasn't been there for you.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than trying to deal with these complicated emotions on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has experience helping clients with grief and loss.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I am an experienced psychotherapist who has helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

Mourning the Death of a Father You Never Knew

Common Reactions to the Death of a Loved One 

The Many Layers of Grief 

The Emotional Impact of Losing Both Parents

Who Are You After Both of Your Parents Die?

Writing to Cope With Grief

Emotional Numbing: The "Wall" That Once Protected You Now Imprisons You

 I've written about emotional numbing in prior articles (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Take Down the "Wall" You Built Around Yourself).

In the current article, I want to dive deeper into the subject of emotional numbing that started as a survival strategy and ended up imprisoning you with social isolation, an inability to feel emotions deeply, including joy, and creating stagnation in your life.

What is Emotional Numbing?

Emotional numbing is an unconscious psychological state where an individual feels detached or indifferent. They are often unable to experience, process or express emotions.

Overcoming Emotional Numbing

What Are Some of the Symptoms of Emotional Numbing?

Someone who is experiencing emotional numbing can have some or all of the following symptoms:

• Flat Affect: A lack of emotional response, often described as "robotic" or indifferent

• Reduced Emotional Range: An inability to feel high excitement or deep sadness

• Detachment: Feeling emotionally and psychologically disconnected from others and, possibly, from surroundings

• Indiscriminate Blocking: Emotional numbing blocks all emotions including sadness, joy, excitement and gratitude

• Loss of a Sense of Self: Chronic detachment can lead to loss of identity, which can make you feel like a passive observer in your life 

• Avoidance and Isolation: Withdrawing from people and social activities

• Energy Depletion: Maintaining internal "walls" takes a lot of psychological energy which can lead to chronic fatigue or burnout

What Causes Emotional Numbing?

Emotional numbing can be caused by unresolved psychological trauma, PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), severe stress, grief, burnout or a side effect of medication (see my article: What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD?).

Overcoming Emotional Numbing

Emotional numbing often starts during childhood as a survival strategy or defense mechanism which is adaptive at the time because the child is in a psychologically overwhelming environment at home.

In that sense, emotional numbing helps to mitigate overwhelming stress and trauma which would be detrimental to the child.

However, when the child becomes an adult, emotional numbing is no longer adaptive because it prevents the individual from being fully present in personal relationships, friendships, social activities and at work.

As an adult, chronic emotional numbness puts a strain on relationships and daily life.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette,which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how emotional numbing which once protected a young child in a dysfunctional family from being overwhelmed but created problems later on as an adult. The vignette also illustrates how trauma therapy can help.

Nick

When Nick was growing up, he learned to cope with his parents' constant arguments by going into his room and "spacing out" with video games.

After a while, he got so good at numbing himself that he felt like he was in his own world apart from everyone and everything else.

As an adult in his first relationship, Nick had problems connecting emotionally with his girlfriend. She complained that she experienced him as emotionally detached and indifferent about her and their relationship.

At the time, Nick had no awareness about how he was numbing himself because it had become so automatic for him. At the point when he thought his girlfriend might end their relationship, Nick sought help in therapy.

Nick's therapist helped Nick to realize that the "wall" he created around himself as a child protected him from the chaos between his parents, but that same "wall" now came with a cost because he had problems connecting emotionally with his girlfriend and others.

His therapist, who was a trauma therapist, helped Nick to gradually take down his protective "wall" by working on the unresolved trauma from his childhood.

Using a combination of EMDR therapy and Parts Work therapy, over time, Nick worked through his childhood trauma so that he no longer felt the need to numb himself emotionally (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Nick was able to connect emotionally with his girlfriend as he worked through his unresolved trauma.

Conclusion

Like all defense mechanisms, emotional numbing occurs on an unconscious level and it's usually related to trauma.

Trauma therapy can help to work through the original trauma so there is no longer a need for emotional numbing.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma and emotional numbing (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a trauma therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings So You Can Heal 

What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Your Traumatic Past 

Relationships: How Toxic Shame Makes Communication Challenging

Toxic shame can make communication very challenging in a relationship, so I'm exploring this issue and providing tips on how you can deal with this toxic shame.

What is Toxic Shame?

Before we delve into communication issues, let's start by defining toxic shame.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

Toxic shame is different from healthy shame.

Whereas healthy shame is usually a passing, situational emotion, toxic shame is a chronic, deep-seated belief of being unworthy, unlovable, flawed or bad (see my article: What is the Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame?).

• Internalization: Toxic shame is an internalized experience--usually internalized during childhood. It affects your identity ("I am bad" or "I am unlovable" or "I am stupid"). Healthy shame isn't about your identity--it's about your behavior ("I did something bad" or "I said something wrong").

• Duration: Toxic shame is chronic and pervasive and healthy shame is temporary and dissipates after a while.

• Purpose: While healthy shame motivates positive change, moral development and repairing relationships, toxic shame causes "emotional paralysis", defensiveness, self sabotage and social withdrawal.

• Origin: Toxic shame usually develops in childhood due to abuse, emotional neglect, severe criticism or other types of trauma. Toxic shame creates a belief that love must be "earned" (e.g., good grades in school and in other performative ways).

• Impact: Toxic shame often leads to perfectionism in an attempt to hide "the broken self", people-pleasing or severe anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

How Does Toxic Shame Create Communication Problems?

Toxic shame creates deep insecurity which makes it challenging to communicate.

Here are the main communication issues related to toxic shame:

• Defensiveness: Toxic shame makes individuals highly sensitive to perceived criticism. This can create a situation where even neutral comments can be heard as personal insults, which leads to defensiveness.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

• Distorted Perception: Toxic shame acts like a filter. This can make it difficult for individuals to accept love or believe they are worthy, which causes them to misunderstand or ignore their partner's positive expressions of affection.

• Emotional Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Toxic shame causes individuals to protect themselves from vulnerability by shutting down, withdrawing emotionally and/or physically, which can cause the other partner to feel lonely and abandoned (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

• Anger and Aggression: Toxic shame can manifest as anger or aggression where one partner responds to vulnerability or conflict by lashing out, blaming or engaging in contemptuous behavior to deflect from feelings of inadequacy.

Toxic Shame and Perfectionism

• Perfectionism and Masking: An intense feeling of being "found out" as being inadequate can lead to hiding true feelings, maintaining a "perfect" facade and avoiding honest and open conversations about fears and insecurities.

How to Communicate With a Partner Who Has Toxic Shame

Julie Menanno, LMFT, an Emotionally Focused Therapist for couples discusses communication problems in her book, Secure Love.

As Ms. Menanno indicates, communicating with a partner who has toxic shame requires a "safe space" (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

Here are some suggestions that can be helpful if you have a partner who experiences toxic shame:

• Validate Before Solving: Listen to your partner's emotional experience first without immediately jumping into a problem solving mode. Recognize that your partner might be acting out of toxic shame and pressure, so try not to take their words personally (see my article: What is Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?).

• Use "I" Statements: Use "I" statements to express your feelings to avoid putting your partner on the defensive. An example would be: "I feel lonely when we don't talk for a few days" instead of "You always ignore me".

Teamwork in a Relationship

• Work Together on the Problem as a Team: Instead of attacking your partner, attack the problem together. Instead of saying "You did this wrong", say "I know this is a tough situation for both of us." Approach the problem in the spirit of teamwork to deal with it.

• Provide Reassurance: Since toxic shame can make your partner feel unworthy, remind your partner of your love and commitment.  

• Create Safe Openings: If your partner shuts down, create a safe opening by saying, "I notice you're distant. I care about you and I want to understand."

• Avoid "Why" Questions: Why questions like "Why did you do that?" can sound accusatory and trigger defensive reactions.

• Take Breaks: If the conversation gets too heated, take a short break and come back to it when you're both calmer (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

• Prioritize Your Own Safety: If your partner is causing you harm, it's important to prioritize your own safety. Don't isolate. Talk to trusted loved ones and get support.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems between you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?.)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT) for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.