How to "Get Out of Your Head" to Heal With Experiential Therapy

In an earlier article, Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough, I discussed how traditional psychotherapy has focused on helping clients to understand and develop intellectual insight into their problems.

How to Get Our of Your Head to Heal With Experiential Therapy

While intellectual insight is an important first step, it's usually not enough to heal and create change (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy For Trauma).

As I discussed in the prior article, traditional psychotherapy without the mind-body connection creates intellectual insight into clients' problems, but it often doesn't help with the necessary emotional shift necessary for healing and change.

This is why Experiential Therapy is more effective for healing and change.

What Are the Various Types Experiential Therapy?

Experiential Therapy includes many body-oriented therapies including:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing
  

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)

How Does Experiential Therapy Work?

Although each modality is set up in a different way, all Experiential Therapy has certain aspects in common:

• Creating Experiences: Compared to traditional psychotherapy, all Experiential Therapy involves creating experiences to bring about a deeper connection between thoughts and emotions. 

• Emotional Processing: After preparing a client by helping them through the Preparation and Resource Phase, Experiential Therapy allows thoughts, memories and emotions to come to the surface in a deeper way than traditional therapy. Most Experiential Therapists track clients' moment-to-moment experiences so that what comes up is within clients' window of tolerance within the safe environment of the therapist's office. This is important in terms of the work being neither overwhelming nor causing emotional numbing.

Getting Out of Your Head to Heal with Experiential Therapy

• Connecting the Mind and the Body: Experiential Therapy creates a bridge by connecting rational thoughts with deeper emotions, including unresolved trauma. This approach helps to identify and shift unconscious core beliefs (e.g., "I'm unlovable" or "I'm powerless") and patterns that often don't respond to therapy that is more cognitive talk therapy approaches (see my article: Experiential Psychotherapy and the Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

• Memory Reconsolidation: By creating new experiences, Experiential Therapy can activate memory reconsolidation, rewiring neural pathways related to traumatic experiences from the past. Memory reconsolidation is essential for transformation (see my article: Riding the Waves From Trauma to Transformation With Experiential Therapy).

What Are the Benefits of Experiential Therapy?

The benefits include:

• Increased Self Awareness: Clients become more attuned to their thoughts and emotions and how these thoughts and emotions interact with their body and behavior (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

• Developing New Skills: With Experiential Therapy clients learn and practice new and healthier ways of coping with stress, managing difficult emotions, resolving conflict and overcoming unresolved trauma.

Getting Out of Your Head to Heal With Experiential Therapy

• Reframing Negative Patterns: Clients learn how to experience situations in new ways by reframing negative thoughts and beliefs. This helps clients to stop harmful patterns from repeating. 

• Enhancing Empathy and Communication Skills: As enhanced empathy and communication skills emerge, clients can improve their relationship with themselves and others (see my article: What is Compassionate Empathy?).

• Providing Stress Relief: The process of engaging with and releasing suppressed emotions and processing unresolved trauma provides stress relief.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If traditional therapy was only partially helpful, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who uses Experiential Therapy to help you to work through trauma and heal (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Out of Your Head to Heal With Experiential Therapy

A skilled Experiential Therapist can help you to complete trauma processing so you can lead a more meaningful life.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in Experiential Therapy so you can heal and move on with your life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Trauma Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

You Can't Understand Your "Yeses" If You Don't Understand Your "Nos" and "Maybes"

For you to truly understand what you're agreeing to, you also need to understand what you're declining and what you're not sure about.  

This is true for all areas of your life whether it involves your loved ones, your work or other areas of your life.

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

How Can You Learn to Understand Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"?

Here are some tips:

• Develop Self Awareness: To really know what you want, you need to develop a deeper understanding of yourself using your self reflective capacity. Before you say "Yes" to someone think about how you might be saying "No" to other choices and excluding other possibilities. So, for instance, before you say "Yes" to being in an exclusive relationship with someone, think about whether you're ready to give up seeing other people and what this might be like. Reflect on what the tradeoffs are in making one choice versus making another (see my article: What is Self Reflective Capacity and Why Is It Important to You?)

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

• Prioritize What's Important to You: Instead of spreading yourself thin by people pleasing and agreeing to do things you don't want to do, prioritize what's most important to you. For instance, if you're in a relationship with someone who wants to spend all their free time with you but you know you need some time for yourself, you need to honor what you need and communicate this to your partner. If possible, try to find a compromise without neglecting your needs (see my article: Time Apart vs Time Together).

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

• Boundary Setting, Self Respect and Self Care: Know how to set boundaries with others for your own well-being. This is related to prioritizing what's important to you. This involves being assertive in a tactful way in order to respect your own needs and take care of yourself (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

How Can This Be Challenging For You?

Understanding your 'yeses", "nos" and "maybes" and following through with what you need might be challenging for you because you never learned to do it and maybe you were even taught that taking care of yourself in this way is selfish--even though it's not.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the challenges involved with understanding what you really want and how Experiential Therapy can help:

Jane

Jane, who was in her early 30s, was raised to believe she should always put others first before herself, so she would agree to do things she didn't really want to do and she would often feel exhausted afterwards.

She would say "Yes" to anyone in her life who asked her to do a favor or to spend time with them or to listen endlessly to her friend's ongoing crises (see my article: Are You Overwhelmed By Your Friends' Problems?).

When she got romantically involved with John and they became sexual, Jane wasn't sure what she liked and what she didn't like sexually so she agreed to everything John wanted, but then she felt bad about herself afterwards because she wasn't sure if she wanted to do what she did.

One day John told her he sensed that she didn't enjoy performing oral sex on him--even though she did it and she didn't complain. He told her he didn't want her to just comply--he wanted her to want to do it and, if she didn't, he wanted her to tell him. But at that point, Jane didn't know how to respond to him because she had little awareness of what she liked and what she didn't.

Understanding Your "Yeses", "Nos" and "Maybes"

Jane realized she had little self awareness about what she liked and she didn't know how to develop self awareness. So, she sought help in Experiential Therapy (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

Her therapist helped Jane to understand the connection between her family background and her current problems (see my article: Why Is Family History Important in Psychotherapy?).

Her parents, who were well intentioned, lived their lives in a way where they were always giving to others and expected very little for themselves ,and they raised Jane and her siblings in this way.

Her therapist taught Jane how to use mind-body oriented techniques, like mindfulness meditation to get to be in the present moment and to get to know herself. She also encouraged Jane to use a journal to reflect on her thoughts and emotions (see my article: Experiential Therapy and the Minid-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

Experiential Therapy includes: 

• EMDR Therapy

• Parts Work Therapy

• AEDP

Jane's work in Experiential Therapy was neither quick nor easy, but she stuck with it because she realized she was developing a deeper connection with herself and getting to know herself better.

Gradually, Jane began to understand her "yeses", her "nos" and her "maybes". She also learned to be assertive in a tactful and caring way with the people in her life.

Getting to know herself sexually was the most challenging for Jane because she had conflicted feelings about pleasure and solo pleasure.

Over time, she was able to overcome her guilt and shame about sex, and she developed a healthy relationship with her own body which allowed her to discover what she enjoyed.

Her therapist, who was an Experiential therapist as well as a sex therapist, helped Jane to consider many sexual possibilities by introducing Jane to a "Yes, No, Maybe" list of sexual activities. 

Jane used the list, which had on scale from 1-5, to discover what appealed to her, what she didn didn't like and what she wasn't sure about (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?)

When Jane told John that she didn't enjoy oral sex, but she did enjoy other sexual activities, she was surprised that he was so understanding. This allowed her to open up and get curious emotionally and sexually with John so their relationship developed in new and exciting ways.

Conclusion

You can't understand your "yeses" if you don't know your "nos" and "maybes".

Developing self awareness is the first step in getting to know yourself better and being able to communicate with others.

People pleasing often poses an obstacle to getting to know and take care of yourself and to being able to communicate honestly with others.

When you can prioritize your own needs and set healthy boundaries with others, you will be on your way to respecting your needs, taking care of yourself and being genuine with others.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

Being able to understand and assert your needs can be challenging for a variety of reasons, including an upbringing focused on always prioritizing the needs of others. 

Experiential Therapy, which focuses on the mind-body connection, is uniquely suited for helping clients to get to attune to themselves and to interact in a healthy way with others.

If you have been struggling with understanding your needs and setting boundaries with others, you could benefit from working with an Experiential Therapist.

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

A skilled Experiential Therapist can help you to develop increased self awareness through a mind-body oriented approach, prioritize your needs and set healthy boundaries.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a Experiential Therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York Experiential Therapist.

I am an EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work, EFT (couples therapist) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

As children, we're taught to be nice to others.

Being a nice or agreeable person is also rewarded in other settings. For instance, young children's report cards often cite agreeableness as a valued trait: "Johnny plays well with other children" or "Sara shares her toys with her classmates" and so on.

Being  Performatively"Nice" to Hide Certain Aspects of a Personality

People who are genuinely agreeable come across as open, authentic and trustworthy with good communication skills, healthy boundaries and a real interest in other people. They have no hidden agenda.

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

But there are people who are "nice" in a performative way to hide certain aspects of their personality. These are often the people who get friend-zoned because others can sense their behavior is really about people-pleasing to mask parts of their personality.

These people have such problems showing others who they really are that their behavior becomes performative as a defense against showing their true self. Instead, they come across as fake, which also known as a false self.

Their behavior can range from insecure, lacking in confidence and non-assertiveness to passive aggressive behavior.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette is a composite of many different cases:

Larry

By the time Larry started therapy at age 35, he felt hopeless about ever being in a relationship.

He had gone out with a few women, usually for only one or two dates, but he had never been in a committed relationship.

His dating history started in his senior year of college when a woman he liked, Sara, asked him out to lunch. 

Sara was friendly and outgoing and she had many friends at college. There were many young men in college who were attracted to her, but she wasn't exclusive with anyone when she asked Larry to go for lunch.

Larry was surprised that Sara asked him out. He considered Sara to be the type of woman who would never be interested in him.

Soon after Sara's invitation, Larry's usual insecurities came up. He feared she wouldn't find him interesting--even though they had a lot in common. He also feared if she got to know him, she wouldn't like him (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That People Won't Like You If They Get to Know You).

As a result, Larry had such a lack of self confidence that he felt he had to be extra nice to Sara on their date. He agreed with everything she said and he went out of his way to do whatever she wanted to do. 

Why Are Some "Nice Guys" Friend-Zoned?

After they went to lunch a couple of times, Larry was disappointed that Sara was confiding in him like a friend. She even asked him for advice about how to handle a romantic situation about another guy.

When Larry talked to his friend, Ed about this, Ed told him, "You've been friend-zoned. Does she even know you're interested in her?"

In response, Larry told Ed that he couldn't see how Sara wouldn't know because he was bending over backwards to be nice to her.  Ed seemed skeptical, "But have you even flirted with her or told her you're attracted to her?"

Larry wasn't sure how to tell Sara he liked her, so he kept putting it off.  Then, weeks later, she told him she was interested in another young man at their college, John. When Larry heard her gush about John, he felt crushed and, eventually, he felt angry and resentful.

A few months later, Sara told Larry that she and John were getting an apartment together off campus. Larry felt his heart sink. 

Then, Sara said, "Before I met John, I really had a crush on you, but I never got the vibe from you that you were interested."

Larry remained silent, but he was shocked.

Now, at the age of 35, he told his therapist that this was his usual experience with women and he couldn't understand why this was happening to him, "I'm so nice to them and they don't appreciate it. Maybe they prefer guys who aren't nice."

Larry's therapist helped him to see that what he described as "nice" was really his way of hiding parts of his personality, including his erotic self, and that the women he dated didn't know he was interested in them because he suppressed his erotic self (see my articles: What is Eroticism? and What is Your Erotic Blueprint - Part 1 and Part 2).

They did Parts Work Therapy to help Larry explore the different aspects of his personality that he disliked so much and he tried to keep them hidden (see my article: How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Get to Know Yourself?)

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, especially since Larry had so much shame.

Over time, Larry practiced self compassion and self acceptance and this helped to boost his self confidence with women.

After he learned to be attuned to his own eroticism and he allowed that part of himself to emerge when he was interested in a woman, his romantic and sex life improved.

Conclusion

Being nice (or agreeable) can be a positive trait when it's genuine.

But when being "nice" is a defense against showing your true self, other people can sense that the agreeableness is performative and it comes across as being fake.  This is one of the reasons why many men get friend-zoned by women.

In the vignette above, Larry lacked self confidence and he was out of touch with his erotic self, so women he was interested in didn't even know it. They assumed he wasn't interested in them. 

But once he overcame his shame, developed self confidence and he became attuned to his own eroticism, he was able to allow this part of himself to emerge so that women knew he was interested in them and he was no longer friend-zoned.

There can be many different reasons why people, knowingly or unknowingly, hide parts of themselves with the result that they come across as fake.

Parts Work Therapy and other types of Experiential Therapy can help you to become more attuned to your true self so that you come across as more genuine.

Aside from Parts Work Therapy, other types of Experiential Therapy that can help include:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

• Somatic Experiencing

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

If you're struggling with lack of confidence and you think you might be hiding aspects of your personality, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who does Parts Work Therapy or another form of Experiential Therapy.

Learning to attune to yourself and feeling confident enough to show your authentic self can help you to have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Be Open to New Relationship Possibilities After Healing From a Bad Breakup

Opening your heart to new relationship possibilities can be challenging after a bad breakup (see my article: Coping With a Breakup).

After a bad breakup, some people vow to never be in a relationship again. Then there are others who get involved too quickly to avoid feeling the pain of their breakup (see my article: The Many Layers of Grief).

As a psychotherapist in private practice who works with both individual adults and couples, I see both--individuals who rush to get involved too quickly and others who close themselves off to the possibility of getting involved with someone new.

How to Be Open to a New Relationship After a Bad Breakup

Each person has to make their own decision about what's best for them.

For people who want to be open to a new relationship eventually, these tips might be helpful:

• Give Yourself Time to Grieve and Heal: Allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger and disappointment without judging yourself for having these feelings, which are common and normal. Too many people jump into their next relationship to avoid feeling the emotional pain from a recent breakup. This is a mistake. Give yourself the time and space to heal--even if it's taking longer than you might have expected. Along the way practice self compassion and don't judge yourself. Recognize that many people have gone through what you're going through and with time they have healed (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Sadness).

• Prioritize Self Care: Focus on taking care of yourself by eating nutritious meals, getting enough sleep,  exercising at a pace that's right for you and, in general, focusing on your well-being. Practice self reflection to understand what happened in your last relationship and how you might avoid the same problems in the future (see my article: Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings and Learning From Past Relationships).

• Strengthen Your Emotional Support System: Connect with supportive loved ones. Also consider getting help in therapy from a licensed mental health professional if you're struggling. Avoid isolating (see my article: Why Close Friendships Are Important).

• Develop a Healthy Mindset: Before you get involved in a new relationship, learn to be comfortable with yourself (see my article: What is a Growth Mindset?).

• Try Not to Go to Either Extreme: Try to stay balanced. Don't rush into dating again. Conversely, try not to become so fearful about potential new relationships just because your last relationship didn't work out. Although you might discover that you prefer the solitude of your own company, don't allow fear to foreclose the possibility of being with someone new (see my article: Being Open to New Possibilities).

• Be Intentional When You're Ready: If and when you're ready, look for someone who aligns with your overall values. You don't need to align on every belief, but choose someone with whom you're basically compatible (see my article: The Power of Starting the Day With a Positive Intention).

Conclusion

Getting through the heartbreak of a difficult breakup can leave you feeling sad, disappointed, fearful and anxious. These are common reactions.

After you have grieved, if you prefer to be single and unattached, make that decision based on a healthy mindset and not out of anger, fear or bitterness. You don't have to be in a relationship to be happy. Many people choose to remain single. They have healthy relationships with friends and family and they develop interests and hobbies so life is meaningful.

If you want to be in a relationship after you have grieved your prior breakup, take care of yourself first. Allow yourself to grieve to heal and, after you have healed, think about what you want in your next relationship. Then, learn to be open to new possibilities.

Get Help in Therapy

If you're struggling to grieve or you feel stuck in the grieving process, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you through the grieving process so you can heal.

Rather than struggling alone, get help in therapy so you can move through your grief and go on to live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Hello Impostor Syndrome My Old Friend

Back in 2015 I wrote an article about Overcoming Impostor Syndrome and I'm revisiting this topic today from a personal perspective, which I hope will be helpful to you.

What is Impostor Syndrome?

Impostor syndrome is a psychological experience of feeling like a fraud either in an intellectual or professional setting. 

Impostor syndrome is a subjective experience of self doubt about one's abilities or  accomplishments as compared to others and despite evidence to the contrary.

There is often a fear of being exposed as a fraud. This can include feeling undeserving of success or luck. 

Impostor Syndrome

Although impostor syndrome isn't listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual as a psychiatric diagnosis, it's a real phenomenon.  

It's not a mental disorder--it's a syndrome.

What is Impostor Syndrome For Psychotherapists?

Impostor syndrome often occurs for new therapists or therapists in training at various times in their career when they're learning new skills.

I remember feeling impostor syndrome when I began psychoanalytic training in 1996. 

I was just out of graduate school without much clinical experience, so I felt unprepared to jump into clinical work at the postgraduate clinic where I was assigned clients. 

Just before I met my first client, I felt like I was standing high up on a diving board waiting to dive in. I felt anxious and unprepared. 

As I sat in my newly assigned psychotherapy office, which was the size of a monk's cell, I read over the client's intake which was performed by a graduate student intern.

By the time I finished reading the intake, I felt like I had little to nothing to offer this client who had serious interpersonal problems. 

After reading her intake, I felt a deep feeling of compassion for the client before I even met her.

During that first session, as I listened to the client, I wished she could have been seen by an experienced therapist instead of a beginner like me. But, by the end of the session, she told me she felt the session went very well. She said she felt I was attuned to her--she felt seen and heard by me. She also said she felt my compassion for her and she looked forward to our next session.

During my four years of psychoanalytic training, as I developed therapeutic skills, I felt increasingly more confident, but I still had times when I felt impostor syndrome, which I discovered was common for new therapists.

As I gained clinical experience and with the help of individual and group supervisors, my own personal psychoanalysis, and classes, I discovered I had a natural ability for being a psychotherapist. 

I also realized that no one, no matter how experienced, has all the answers and the point of being a psychotherapist isn't to "fix" clients or to have all the answers (see my article: Why It's Important For Your Therapist Not to Have All the Answers).

What's important is the ability to help clients to become curious and compassionate about themselves so I can guide them to find their own path to healing.

Over the last 30 years as a licensed mental health professional, I have gone on to do many other advanced trainings, including EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing, EFT Couples Therapy, Sex Therapy and Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy).

I have also learned a lot from my clients by being attuned to them and joining them wherever they were in their healing journey.

I consider myself a curious and compassionate lifelong learner who continues to learn and grow personally and professionally, but I'll never forget my early experiences. 

I have a great deal of empathy for clients and new therapists because I have been both and I know the journey can be challenging, but it can also be very rewarding.

What Are Some Ways to Overcome Impostor Syndrome?

Here are some tips for overcoming impostor syndrome which might be helpful for you:

• Challenge Negative Thoughts: Challenge negative self talk that contributes to impostor syndrome.  Be realistic and remind yourself it's okay to be new at a particular endeavor.

• Remind Yourself of Your Capabilities: You might be new on a particular path, but you probably have evidence of prior success, achievements and positive feedback. Stay curious and open to new experiences.

Self Compassion

• Practice Self Compassion: Know and accept that impostor syndrome is a common phenomenon that many people experience at some point. Treat yourself with kindness and avoid comparing yourself to others.

• Develop a Growth Mindset: A growth mindset will help you to realize you can learn and grow over time. Embrace new challenges as opportunities for growth. Set goals and along the way celebrate your successes.

• Take Action: Don't let impostor syndrome overwhelm you. Although you might be pushed out of your comfort zone, be aware you have overcome other challenges in the past and that moving out of your comfort zone will help you to grow.

• Keep a Journal: Writing about your thoughts and emotions can help you to reflect on where you are in the moment and where you want to be. 

Use Your Imagination

• Use Your Imagination: Using your imagination to visualize yourself to see yourself as already having achieved your goals can be helpful.

• Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends and loved ones. They will probably tell you they have had similar feelings about impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. If possible, join groups where people are having similar experiences and learn how they are coping with these experiences. For instance, before I started graduate school in 1993, I joined a group of people who were working on making various changes in their lives and we were mutually supportive of one another, which was very helpful for me.

About Me:

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As of this writing, I also teach a class, Countertransference and Sex Therapy II, for second year sex therapists in training at the Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Overcoming a Pattern of Emotional Shutdown

There are couples who come to couples therapy where one or both people really believe they don't have emotions.  However, research indicates that all human beings have emotions including happiness, sadness, fear, disgust and surprise regardless of culture (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Emotions to Your Partner?).

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

These emotions are biologically driven and linked to distinct facial expressions, so the capacity for emotions is a shared human experience (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

What is Alexithymia?

It's estimated that anywhere from 5-15% of people have alexithymia, which is a condition where people have difficulty identifying, processing and expressing emotions.  The exact cause of alexithymia is unknown as of this writing. Psychotherapy with a therapist who is trained to treat alexithymia combined with medication is usually the recommended course of treatment.

What's Really Happening For the Other 85-95% of People in Relationships Who Believe They Don't Have Emotions?

What about the other 85-95% of people who don't have alexithymia who say they don't have emotions?

In most other cases, people who believe they don't experience emotions have one of the following problems:

• Emotional Unavailability: People who have experienced traumatic conditions can experience difficulty connecting with and expressing emotions. They might believe they don't have emotions but, in reality, they don't realize their difficulty.

• Emotional Repression: People who repress their emotions, either consciously or unconsciously, suppress their emotions, especially after traumatic incidents.

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• Trauma Response: People who experienced a traumatic event can shut down their emotions as a maladaptive coping mechanism or defense mechanism.

• Learned Behavior: If individuals grew up in a family where they were discouraged from expressing emotions, they often don't learn to identify and express their emotions. This is especially true if a healthy expression of emotions wasn't modeled for them in their family. This learned behavior can be related to the three conditions mentioned above (emotional unavailability, emotional repression and trauma response).

What Are the Underlying Reasons When People Shut Down Their Emotions?

People who shut down their emotions often do so for one or more of the following reasons:

• Fear getting overwhelmed

• Fear of feeling helpless

• Feeling ashamed

• Fear of being rejected

• Fear of being abandoned
  

What is the Impact on a Relationship When One or Both People Suppress Their Emotions?

Shutting down emotions, whether it's done consciously or unconsciously, becomes an obstacle in the relationship:

• Communication breaks down (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship)

• Loss of trust

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• Loneliness, isolation and feelings of neglect for the non-withdrawing partner (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship)

• Resentment grows

• A decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• A negative cycle of withdrawal and feelings of neglect and loneliness for the non-withdrawing partner, which perpetuates the emotional disconnection between the partners. Over time, it becomes increasingly difficult to resolve conflicts.

Clinical Vignette: Overcoming the Negative Cycle of Ongoing Emotional Shutdown

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how this negative cycle develops and how couples therapy can help:

Sandy and Eric

When Sandy and Eric sought help in couples therapy, they were almost ready to file for divorce.

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

At the time, they were together for seven years and married for five. Sandy was the one who suggested they try couples therapy before they split up. 

Sandy told the couples therapist she felt alone in her relationship because Eric wasn't able to express his emotions. As a result, she said, problems that came up weren't resolved because they weren't able to talk about them.

When it was clear to the couples therapist that Eric wasn't alexithymic and he was able to feel and express his emotions in other areas of his life, she asked Eric to become curious about his problems with expressing emotions.

Eric spoke about his family history and how his father often told him when he was growing up that boys who cried were "sissies". 

He told Eric that boys and men should control their emotions and shouldn't allow themselves to feel highs and lows. Instead, according to his father, Eric should focus on being logical and avoid displays of emotions (see my article: Why Family History is Important in Therapy).

Although as an adult, he understood that his father had his own problems with emotions and that he gave him bad advice, Eric didn't know how what he was feeling most of the time so it was hard to talk to Sandy, especially when they were having a disagreement. So, not knowing what else to do, he would withdraw emotionally and sometimes physically as well.

Hearing Eric talking about his difficult childhood, Sandy felt a deep sense of compassion for him and she reached out to hold his hand. When Eric felt the touch of Sandy's hand, his eyes welled up with tears, "I didn't realize until now that I've been so lonely and I've missed being touched by Sandy. I don't want to lose you, Sandy."

Their couples therapist worked with them to help Sandy to be patient and to help Eric to use the mind-body connection to identify and express his emotions. Over time, he learned that when he felt tightness in his throat, he felt sad and when he felt his stomach tighten, he felt fear. 

Gradually, Eric learned to use bodily awareness to identify and express emotions to Sandy and Sandy's empathy helped her to meet Eric halfway. 

As Eric allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable with Sandy, they developed increased emotional intimacy with each other. As emotional intimacy developed, they gradually found their way back to sexual intimacy (see my article: Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability).

EFT Couples Therapy Can Help

Their progress in couples therapy wasn't linear (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

They still experienced problems with communication from time to time when Eric had difficulty being emotionally vulnerable, but they were able to discuss these difficulties and work out the problem.

Conclusion

There can be many reasons why people believe they don't experience emotions, as discussed above but, as mentioned earlier, most human beings are wired for experiencing and expressing emotions.

When emotional shutdown occurs in a relationship, it poses significant stress on the relationship and, over time, can lead to a breakup.

Couples who attend Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) can develop the skills to overcome these difficulties if both people are motivated.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Dealing with relationship problems in couples therapy is easier when couples seek help sooner rather than later because patterns aren't ingrained yet.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Are You a Stonewaller?

How Suppressing Your Emotions Can Lead to Medical and Psychological Problems

How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them