Healing From Regret

Living with regret can be one of the most challenging experiences of your life, but there are ways to heal.

Living With and Healing From Regret

What is Regret?

Regret is a feeling of sadness, repentance or disappointment over something that has happened or has been done.

Examples of Regret

Here are some of the most common types of regret:

• Not being true to yourself
• Not expressing love or appreciation to a loved one
• Neglecting important relationships
• Hurting a loved one
• Not acknowledging your part in an interpersonal problem
• Losing touch with friends
• Working too hard and missing out on important events
• Bad health habits
• Failed relationships (either not valuing a good relationship or staying in a bad relationship)
• Poor judgment
• Wasting time worrying instead of enjoying the present
• Saying "yes" too much and not knowing how to say "no"
• Saying "no" too much and not knowing how to say "yes"
• Not pursuing passions
• Not taking any risks
• Living a small and unfulfilling life

How to Heal From Regret

Living with regret can be a painful experience, especially if you haven't forgiven yourself.

Most people are inclined to want to run from their feelings of regret rather than allowing themselves to feel it as the first step in healing.

Here are some suggestions you might find helpful:

• Don't Run From Your Emotions, Feel Them: Although it's tempting to push aside feelings of regret, you can take the first step in healing by feeling them rather than running from your emotions (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

• Accept the Past: You can't change the past, so you need to accept whatever you did or didn't do that causes you to feel regret. Depending upon the circumstances, you might have behaved in a certain way due to whatever information or capabilities you had at the time. Acceptance doesn't mean you like what you did. It means you accept the fact that you did it and you will do better in the future.

• Learn and Reframe: Find the lesson in whatever you did. Journal about what happened and what you learned from it (see my article: Developing a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Create Meaning From Your Regret: Allow your regret to motivate you to make a commitment to do better (see my article: The Power of Making a Commitment).

Living With and Healing From Regret

• Be Aware of Your Thoughts: Are you telling yourself that you don't deserve to forgive yourself or you don't deserve to have others forgive you? (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

• Have a Dialog With the Internal Critic Within You: If you have been hard on yourself, you can do a writing exercise where you have a dialog with your inner critic. Acknowledge what your inner critic has to say, ask this part of yourself what it would like you to learn from the experience, make a commitment to do better and ask it to let go of its harshness so you can heal. When I do Parts Work Therapy with clients, I ask them to practice having a dialog in our therapy sessions with the parts of themselves that keep them from forgiving themselves or keep creating obstacles to their well-being. Often these parts want to be acknowledged first before they can let go (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

• Practice Self Compassion: What would you say to a close friend or loved one who had problems forgiving themself? If you can feel compassion for them, can you extend compassion to yourself? Recognize that making mistakes is part of being human (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• If Possible, Make Amends: If it's possible without crossing a boundary with others, apologize or make things right.  If it's not possible to make amends because to do so would be violating another's boundary or it would be unsafe for yourself, act in their honor or help others. Examples of this might include:

• Engaging in Acts of Service: This includes volunteering or helping in your community.

• Creating Unsent Letters: If you can't have direct closure, you can write letters that you will not send because to do so would be crossing a boundary. The act of writing an unsent letter can be healing.

• Focus on the Present: Since you can't change the past, focus on the present. Create new goals for yourself that align with your values.

• Get Help From a Mental Health Professional to Change Your Behavior and to Heal: If you're having problems understanding why you acted in a way that you now regret, you can gain insight, make changes and forgive yourself with the help of a licensed mental health professional who helps clients with overcoming regret.

Also See My Articles: 

Balancing Fear of Failure vs Future Regret 

Strategies For Making Changes in Your Life

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

The first step in quieting your overthinking mind is becoming aware of what you're worrying about and how it's affecting you.

How is Your Overthinking Mind Affecting You?

Worrying can take a toll on your physical and mental well-being.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

Take a step back and notice your thought patterns. When you have a moment to yourself, do you use it to relax or do something you enjoy or do you engage in repetitive thinking where you worry about whether you forgot to perform a task or if you overestimated how much someone likes you or something else you worry about?

If you tend to engage in worrying, notice how it affects your mood and how it affects your life. What's the primary emotion behind your overthinking? Are you feeling irritable, nervous or guilty? 

Being aware of the effect of overthinking also includes having bodily awareness. This means you notice your bodily responses, which might include tense shoulders, feeling tightness in your chest or clenching in your stomach--just to give a few possible examples.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

When you're aware of how you're thinking and the impact it's having on you, you have a better chance of changing it.

What Are Some Tips to Stop Overthinking?

• Distract Yourself With An Activity You Enjoy: Go to your favorite workout class or take up a new hobby. Whatever you choose, make it something that will occupy your mind.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Breathe: Learn square breathing to calm yourself. This can also take your mind off whatever you're ruminating about.  

• Meditate: Mindfulness meditation can help you to quiet your mind and be in the present moment rather than worrying about other things.

• Develop a Broader Perspective: To gain perspective on non-urgent matters, ask yourself if you will care about this non-urgent matter in five or ten years. By gaining a broader perspective, you can learn to prioritize other matters that are more important.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Help Others: Rather than worrying, consider helping others. For instance, your friend who has a young child might appreciate a break if you watch her child. You can also volunteer to help those less fortunate than yourself.

• Learn to Reframe Your Negative Thoughts: Instead of going to the worst case scenario, reframe your thoughts to consider possible positive outcomes (see my article: Develop a Different Perspective Through Reframing).

• Validate Yourself For Your Successes: Instead of focusing on things you feel you didn't get right or things you worry about not getting right in the future, acknowledge and validate your successes--no matter how small (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Take Action: Instead of worrying about the things you have done or haven't done, take action to do things you can take care of now. This can be empowering and give you a sense of accomplishment.

• Embrace Your Fears: Learn to accept that some things will always be out of your control and, instead of trying to push your fears away, embrace them.

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

• Practice Self Compassion: Shift your thoughts and feelings from worrying to practicing self compassion.

Get Help in Therapy: 

If you have been unable to quiet your overthinking mind with self help tips, consider getting help in therapy. 

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to stop overthinking so you can live a more fulfilling life,

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

In the past, I've written articles about self acceptance, including Self Acceptance and Compassion.

In the current article I'm focusing on self acceptance as the foundation of self confidence.

What is Self Acceptance?

Self acceptance involves accepting all aspects of yourself--whether you consider these aspects to be positive or not.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Self acceptance involves accepting your strengths as well as accepting aspects about yourself you might want to change. 

In other words, even while you're working towards making changes, you embrace all of who you are right now.

Why is Self Acceptance the Foundation of Self Confidence?

If you're working on developing increased self confidence, starting with self acceptance is essential to your development.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you validate yourself internally rather than relying on external validation (see my article: What is Self Validation?).

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

Even when you're working on making changes, you tell yourself, "I'm good enough as I am" because you're secure within yourself.

When you accept yourself as you are right now, you're more likely to bouncing back from disappointments or setbacks.

Self acceptance allows you to have compassion for yourself as you would have for loved ones in your life.

Self acceptances allows you to be your true self rather than pretending or wanting to be someone else. 

Self acceptance also reduces the likelihood you will compare yourself unfavorable to others. 

Comparison and judgment are the thieves of joy so it's important to stop comparing yourself unfavorably to others including on social media.

Self acceptance allows you to step outside your comfort zone to take healthy risks which can build self confidence.

What is the Difference Between Self Acceptance and Complacency?

Many people worry that if they accept themselves as they are, they will become complacent, but self acceptance and complacency are two different things.

Self acceptance is acknowledging yourself as you are right now and complacency is being satisfied with how things are to the point of stagnation.

Self Acceptance is the Foundation of Self Confidence

While self acceptance is a starting point to any change you want to make, complacency is often leads to a lack of motivation to change.

The important factor is your intent: Are you accepting yourself as you are right now as a starting point or are you accepting yourself as a reason to stagnate?

Self acceptance allows you to take action to make positive changes. 

In contrast, complacency often leads to inaction.

Self Confidence as a Learnable Skill

Self confidence is considered a learnable skill.

Self confidence is influenced by how you think and how you behave.

Self Confidence is a Learnable Skill

You can develop self confidence by changing the critical messages you're giving yourself.

You can also develop self confidence by giving yourself manageable challenges like taking a public speaking course, a storytelling workshop or taking improv classes.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people lack self confidence due to unresolved trauma that keeps them mired in shame (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion).

Getting Help in Therapy

Getting help in trauma therapy can free you from your traumatic history so you can learn self acceptance and develop self confidence.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and a Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped individual adults and couples in therapy for over 20 years (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability

I have written about emotional vulnerability in prior articles, including Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Emotional Intimacy.

In the current article I'm discussing vulnerability as a strength and how to embrace vulnerability.

Why is Emotional Vulnerability Not a Weakness?

Many people feel some degree of discomfort when they reveal their emotional vulnerability in  their personal relationships. But, according to Brene Brown, researcher and motivational speaker, people who approach relationships in a wholehearted way know that vulnerability is essential to develop and maintain close relationships. 

Some people who struggle with emotional vulnerability believe vulnerability is a weakness. But, in fact, emotional vulnerability is not a weakness--it's a strength.

Emotional vulnerability shows courage and authenticity in intimate relationships.

Embracing Vulnerability

The wholehearted people in Brene Brown's research tended to take more emotional risks, even though they felt some degree of discomfort. Even though they knew they might be rejected, criticized or judged, they took risks because they felt being authentic and having meaningful relationships made the risk worthwhile. 

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Fear of being emotionally vulnerable is usually coupled with shame ,which is a topic I''ll discuss in my next article.

Vulnerability also means revealing your true self (see my article: Becoming Your True Self).

Being open, honest and revealing your true self, even when it's scary, helps to build stronger relationships. 

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Vulnerability creates the possibility for empathy, understanding and a stronger connection with the people you care about.

Reflecting on your feelings before you express them also helps you to develop self awareness and self reflective capacity.

In addition, being vulnerable by expressing your feelings provides an opportunity for loved ones to give you emotional support. 

Whereas holding in your feelings can create stress, expressing your feelings and getting support helps to reduce stress and stress-related health problems (see my article: Expressing Your Feelings in a Healthy Way)

Getting emotional support also helps to improve your overall well-being.

As you develop an increased capacity to be emotionally vulnerable, you increase your potential for personal growth and experiencing positive changes in your life.

How to Learn to Embrace Vulnerability

• Acknowledge Your Fears: Start by acknowledging to yourself what scares you about being emotionally vulnerable. Then, challenge your negative beliefs about vulnerability.

• Write in a Journal: Write in a journal to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. This will also help you to express yourself with others (see my article: The Benefits of Journal Writing).

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

• Practice Self Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion as you would with a close friend or loved one (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Practice Mindfulness: If you practice being present with your thoughts and feelings, you can become more self aware. Being present can also help you to deal with emotional vulnerability (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Mindfulness Meditation)

• Start Small: Start by journaling and talking to a trusted loved one about your thoughts and feelings. Being in a safe and private environment is also important.

• Acknowledge and Embrace Your Mistakes: Acknowledging and embracing your mistakes with self compassion takes strength and courage and can help you to develop a sense of comfort with being vulnerable (see my article: Overcome Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

• Acknowledge Your Strengths: Appreciating your strengths can build self confidence.

• Challenge Your Negative Beliefs: Challenge your fears about what others might think about you if you express your vulnerability.

• Get Help in Therapy: Seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the necessary skills and expertise to help you embrace vulnerability if self help tips aren't enough.

Clinical Vignette: How to Embrace Emotional Vulnerability

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality:

Nina

Nina felt discouraged about ever being able to maintain a relationship.  Although she confided in her close friends, she had problems opening up in relationships (see my article: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable in a Relationship).

Embracing Emotional Vulnerability

Her last three relationships ended after her partners told her they felt she was holding back emotionally. 

She realized she was too scared to open up emotionally in her relationships. She also felt that if any of her partners knew the "real Nina", they wouldn't like her (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear That People Won't Like the "Real You").

When she started therapy to overcome her problem with emotional vulnerability, she revealed to her therapist that her parents always told her that emotional vulnerability was a "weakness".

She told her therapist that, even though she knew how important being vulnerable is to developing and sustaining a relationship, she didn't know how to be vulnerable.

Her therapist acknowledged Nina's strength in recognizing she didn't know how to be vulnerable and in seeking help in therapy.

In addition to providing Nina with tools she could use on her own, like journaling and  mindfulness skills, her therapist, who was a trauma therapist, helped Nina to work through the negative beliefs about vulnerability she learned from her parents.

Her therapist used EMDR therapy, AEDP and Parts Work to work through the early childhood trauma and shame that made it difficult for Nina to show her emotional vulnerability.

When Nina started dating someone new that she really liked, her therapist helped her to practice showing emotional vulnerability by starting in small ways.

As she became more comfortable, over time, Nina was able to open up more. Her willingness to be vulnerable allowed this new person in her life to also open up.

Over time, they were able to build a strong foundation for a relationship.

Conclusion

Contrary to what many people believe, emotional vulnerability is a strength--not a weakness.

Even though most people feel some degree of discomfort with being emotionally vulnerable, people who overcome their discomfort are aware that showing vulnerability is essential to having an emotionally intimate relationship.

Even if you grew up with negative beliefs about vulnerability, you can overcome these negative beliefs.

Next Article: What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome your fear of vulnerability on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

Getting Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in therapy so you can be your authentic self and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

I'm discussing  triggers from a different perspective than how I usually discuss them as a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

What Are Triggers?

Therapists, especially trauma therapists, tend to focus on trauma triggers because it's helpful for traumatized clients to know how to recognize and cope with triggers. But it's also important to recognize happiness triggers to add to the quality of your life.

Although the word "trigger" tends to have a negative connotation, psychologically speaking, triggers are neither negative or positive. Triggers are experiences that evoke memories. 

What Are Happiness Triggers?

Happiness triggers refers to rituals and routines we engage in to tap into positive memories and cultivate positive experiences.

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

The term "happiness triggers" is usually associated with Valorie Burton, life coach, author and motivational speaker.

What Are the Benefits of Discovering Your Happiness Triggers?

Discovering your happiness triggers can be a way of starting new positive habits because these triggers are associated with positive experiences and they can motivate you to develop positive habits.

Happiness triggers can also serve as an anchor in your life.

When happiness triggers evoke positive experiences, they access positive memories that are neurochemically wired in your brain.  

Happiness triggers can also help to pull you out of a funk when you're feeling low.

How to Develop Happiness Triggers

Happiness triggers are based on individual experiences, memories, needs, interests and values so they will be unique for each person.

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

To discover your own unique happiness triggers, start by thinking about the small things in your life in the present or in the past that lift your mood and energy. It can be as simple as the ritual of having your morning coffee or tea, listening to your favorite podcast, taking a walk in the park and so on.

If you're still unsure, practice being present in the moment to experiences that bring you joy. Pay attention to your bodily experiences when you experience memories that were joyful or  evoke a sense of well-being.

Happiness Triggers Require Practice

Once you have discovered your unique happiness triggers, you need to practice them over and over again in order to develop them into positive habits.

These new habits can include behavioral, cognitive (thinking) or emotional triggers.

Behavioral Happiness Triggers

Behavioral happiness might include:

• Exercising

• Yoga
  

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

• Going for a walk in nature

• Dancing

• Listening to music

• Performing an act of kindness for someone

• Reading a favorite book

• Engaging in a favorite hobby

Cognitive (Thinking) Happiness Triggers

Cognitive happiness triggers might include:

• Reframing negative thoughts with positive self talk or affirmations

• Making friends with your inner critic

• Recalling and re-experiencing positive memories and experiences

• Practicing mindfulness meditation
  

Emotional Happiness Triggers

• Practicing gratitude by keeping a gratitude journal

• Practicing acceptance and self compassion

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

• Engaging your five senses (sight, sound, taste, smell and touch)

• Getting a massage

• Getting a manicure

• Playing a sport

• Connecting or reconnecting with a friend or loved one

Conclusion

Developing and practicing happiness triggers can increase your sense of joy and well-being.

Discovering Your Happiness Triggers

You can also discover happiness triggers by connecting to your inner world and connecting to a loved one to discover what is most meaningful and fulfilling to you.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion?:

For many people showing compassion towards others is a lot easier than feeling self  compassion (see my article: Developing Self Compassion as an Essential Part of Trauma Recovery).

The Impact of Trauma on Self Compassion

If self compassion is a problem for you, you might wonder what makes it so difficult for you.

This is the topic of the current article.

Why is Self Compassion Difficult For So Many People?

There's no one answer, but after more than 20 years of experience working with clients who have difficulty with self compassion, I have seen certain common themes that come up over and over again:

• Past Unresolved Traumatic Experiences: People who struggle with self compassion often didn't get much needed compassion when they were growing up. Many of them were emotionally neglected and abused and these children were powerless over their circumstances. As children, they learned to see themselves through eyes of abusive and neglectful family members so, over time, they came to believe they were unworthy. And  these feelings carried over into adulthood. Although, intellectually, they might understand they deserve self compassion, they don't feel it emotionally.

• A Tough Inner Critic: The aftermath of traumatic experiences often brings a tough inner critic who tells traumatized individuals that they're not worthy of love, self compassion or much of anything that is positive. This inner critic, which is often a part that gets internalized from abusive parents, gives a constant stream of negative messages to them  (see my article: Overcoming Your Inner Critic).

• An Inability to Identify and Feel Their Own Suffering: Many people who were abused or neglected as children aren't able to identify their own suffering. Many of those same people have difficulty even identifying their emotions--positive or negative. When they were growing up, their coping strategy was to use emotional numbing to blunt the pain that would have been too overwhelming. Although emotional numbing was probably an adaptive strategy at the time, it doesn't disappear when these people become adults. Many of these individuals continue to be cut off from their feelings, including feelings of self compassion (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

• Societal Expectations: In many cultures, including the U.S., which was founded on the idea of rugged individualism, individuals are expected to be "strong" and any emotional vulnerability is considered a "weakness" (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

How to Overcome Problems With Self Compassion

Unfortunately, traumatized individuals aren't able to overcome problems with self compassion on their own.  Their inner critic is often too strong for them to overcome it on their own.

Overcoming Problems With Self Compassion

They need help from licensed mental health professionals who have the training and experience to help them. But not all therapists are trained to help clients to overcome trauma, so it's important to ask any therapist you're considering about their training and experience with regard to trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

There are specific therapy modalities that have been developed to help clients to overcome trauma. 

These modalities include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS which is Internal Family Systems and Ego States Therapy)

These trauma therapy modalities, which all come under the broad term of Experiential Therapy, are among the most effective types of therapy to overcome trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can free yourself from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.