What Are the Signs of Low Emotional Connection in a Relationship?

What is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy is a deep, secure bond between two people built on vulnerability, trust and mutual understanding.

Low Emotional Connection in a Relationship

Emotional intimacy allows partners to share their true feelings, thoughts and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment. This allows both people to feel "seen", validated and safe with one another.  

What Are the Key Aspects of a Healthy Emotional Connection?

The key aspects include:

• Deep Connection and Vulnerability: It involves opening up about desires, fears, hopes for the future and more. This allows each partner to get to know the other on a profound level.

• Feeling "Seen": Emotional vulnerability is characterized by feeling truly seen, understood and accepted. This involves getting to know the partner's inner world.

• Shared Vulnerability: This involves holding space for each other through life's challenges--rather than just talking about superficialities or the past.

• Key Pillars: Emotional intimacy thrives on trust, mutual responsiveness, empathy and active listening.

What Are the Signs of Low Emotional Connection in a Relationship?

Communication and Interaction Patterns

• Conversations Based Mostly on Logistics: Superficial conversations that are based on tasks, schedules or facts rather than sharing feelings, deep thoughts and dreams for the future.

• Avoidance of Emotional Topics: When a conversation becomes serious or personal, a partner might change the subject, make jokes or shut down.

Low Emotional Vulnerability in a Relationship

• Difficulty Expressing Vulnerability: An inability and/or unwillingness to say "I feel hurt", "I'm scared" or "I'm sad". Rather than these vulnerable emotions, partners might default to anger or superficial happiness.

• Defensive Responses: When asked to open up emotionally, a partner might become defensive or they might offer logical or intellectual responses to their partner's emotional vulnerability rather than joining their partner in their emotional vulnerability and offering emotional validation.

Emotional and Intimacy Gaps

• Loneliness Together: Feeling lonely or disconnected despite being in a committed relationship and being in the same room together (see my article: Are You Lonely in Your Relationship?)

Low Emotional Vulnerability in a Relationship

• "Mechanical" Physical Intimacy: If the partners are still sexual together, physical intimacy loses its emotional charge and can feel robotic or mechanical.

• Emotional Numbing: A feeling of being disconnected or numb during emotional moments as a defense mechanism to avoid being emotionally vulnerable.

• Unresolved Resentment and Grievances: A tendency to "sweep under the rug" rather than having uncomfortable, high-stakes conversations to resolve conflict, resentment or grievances.

Behavioral Defenses

• Hyper-independence: Also known as "pseudo-independence". A defensive attitude of "I don't need anyone" where everything is handled alone to avoid relying on a partner--even in difficult times (see my article: Masking Emotional Vulnerability By Acting Like You Don't Need Anyone).

• Inconsistent Behavior: Being warm one day and distant the next, creating "emotional whiplash" to prevent the relationship from becoming too close.

Low Emotional Vulnerability in a Relationship

• The Silent Treatment: Not speaking or walking away during conflicts instead of working through them

• Maintaining a Persona: Faking happiness or appearing to be in control rather than showing true, messy and "imperfect" emotions

Relational Dynamics

• Neglectful Responses to Bids For Connection: Ignoring or responding with irritation to a partner's attempts to connect, share a thought or ask for attention

• Fear of Commitment: A persistent reluctance to define the relationship or make long term plans

• Lack of Trust in Vulnerability: Believing that expressing true emotions is a sign of "weakness" or that it will lead to rejection

While these behaviors are often meant to be self protective, they can lead to emotional neglect and a "dead inside" feeling in the relationship, which feels like coming up against an unavailable "brick wall".

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling with emotional intimacy, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that keep you from having an emotionally intimate relationship.

Most couples who have problems with emotional intimacy also have either a no-sex relationship or an unsatisfying sex life. 

If that's your relationship, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist (not all couples therapists are trained to help clients to deal sexual problems).

Rather than struggling in a relationship where you each feel disconnected from one another, seek help from an experienced couples therapist so you can have a fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Emotional Numbing: The "Wall" That Once Protected You Now Imprisons You

 I've written about emotional numbing in prior articles (see my article: How Therapy Can Help You to Take Down the "Wall" You Built Around Yourself).

In the current article, I want to dive deeper into the subject of emotional numbing that started as a survival strategy and ended up imprisoning you with social isolation, an inability to feel emotions deeply, including joy, and creating stagnation in your life.

What is Emotional Numbing?

Emotional numbing is an unconscious psychological state where an individual feels detached or indifferent. They are often unable to experience, process or express emotions.

Overcoming Emotional Numbing

What Are Some of the Symptoms of Emotional Numbing?

Someone who is experiencing emotional numbing can have some or all of the following symptoms:

• Flat Affect: A lack of emotional response, often described as "robotic" or indifferent

• Reduced Emotional Range: An inability to feel high excitement or deep sadness

• Detachment: Feeling emotionally and psychologically disconnected from others and, possibly, from surroundings

• Indiscriminate Blocking: Emotional numbing blocks all emotions including sadness, joy, excitement and gratitude

• Loss of a Sense of Self: Chronic detachment can lead to loss of identity, which can make you feel like a passive observer in your life 

• Avoidance and Isolation: Withdrawing from people and social activities

• Energy Depletion: Maintaining internal "walls" takes a lot of psychological energy which can lead to chronic fatigue or burnout

What Causes Emotional Numbing?

Emotional numbing can be caused by unresolved psychological trauma, PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder), severe stress, grief, burnout or a side effect of medication (see my article: What is the Difference Between Trauma and PTSD?).

Overcoming Emotional Numbing

Emotional numbing often starts during childhood as a survival strategy or defense mechanism which is adaptive at the time because the child is in a psychologically overwhelming environment at home.

In that sense, emotional numbing helps to mitigate overwhelming stress and trauma which would be detrimental to the child.

However, when the child becomes an adult, emotional numbing is no longer adaptive because it prevents the individual from being fully present in personal relationships, friendships, social activities and at work.

As an adult, chronic emotional numbness puts a strain on relationships and daily life.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette,which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how emotional numbing which once protected a young child in a dysfunctional family from being overwhelmed but created problems later on as an adult. The vignette also illustrates how trauma therapy can help.

Nick

When Nick was growing up, he learned to cope with his parents' constant arguments by going into his room and "spacing out" with video games.

After a while, he got so good at numbing himself that he felt like he was in his own world apart from everyone and everything else.

As an adult in his first relationship, Nick had problems connecting emotionally with his girlfriend. She complained that she experienced him as emotionally detached and indifferent about her and their relationship.

At the time, Nick had no awareness about how he was numbing himself because it had become so automatic for him. At the point when he thought his girlfriend might end their relationship, Nick sought help in therapy.

Nick's therapist helped Nick to realize that the "wall" he created around himself as a child protected him from the chaos between his parents, but that same "wall" now came with a cost because he had problems connecting emotionally with his girlfriend and others.

His therapist, who was a trauma therapist, helped Nick to gradually take down his protective "wall" by working on the unresolved trauma from his childhood.

Using a combination of EMDR therapy and Parts Work therapy, over time, Nick worked through his childhood trauma so that he no longer felt the need to numb himself emotionally (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma?).

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but Nick was able to connect emotionally with his girlfriend as he worked through his unresolved trauma.

Conclusion

Like all defense mechanisms, emotional numbing occurs on an unconscious level and it's usually related to trauma.

Trauma therapy can help to work through the original trauma so there is no longer a need for emotional numbing.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Working with a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist can help you to work through unresolved trauma and emotional numbing (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a trauma therapist so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Allowing Yourself to Feel Your Feelings So You Can Heal 

What Happens When You Numb Yourself to Your Traumatic Past 

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

What is Autopilot Mode?

Autopilot is also known clinically as "cognitive disengagement."

Living on autopilot happens when you live your life based on routines, habits and external expectations instead of making conscious and intentional choices.

Getting stuck in autopilot is a common problem (see my article: How to Get Out of a Rut).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

Many people just go through life disengaged and without joy--just going through the motions.

To stop living your life on autopilot, you can start by making small intentional changes to break repetitive pattens so you can re-engage with your life.

What Are Signs That You're Stuck in Autopilot?

• You follow the same routines every day without awareness or conscious choice.

• You lose touch with what you used to enjoy because you're just trying to "get through the day"

• You numb yourself with distractions including social media, TV and busywork.

Examples of Living on Autopilot

• Maria: Maria lived her life based on a set routine: Wake up, make coffee, cook, clean, take care of the kids. The next day she would repeat the same routines. Weekends were basically the same. She did this day after day for 10 years before she realized she had a vague sense of dissatisfaction with her life, but she didn't know why.  She began experiencing vague aches and pains so she saw her doctor who ruled out any physical problems. He recommended that she seek help in therapy. Shortly after she began therapy, Maria realized she was living her life on autopilot and she was deeply unhappy with her routines and habits, so she worked with her therapist to break free of her routines so she could live more consciously.

• Steve: Steve felt he had a great job, but in the last few years he was stagnating in his career. He realized he was intentionally avoiding taking on new projects and challenges out of fear of stepping outside his comfort zone.  He also realized that his marriage was stagnating because he and his wife had drifted into set routines where they would spend the evening either zoning out in front of the TV or on their phones. As he became more self aware, he also realized his wife was drinking a lot, but he couldn't pinpoint when this began because they were both living their lives on autopilot. So, they each sought help in individual therapy as well as couples therapy so they could break free of their routines and develop new interests separately and apart. After a while, his wife realized she was drinking out of a sense of boredom and she stopped.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Interrupt the Pattern: Put down your phone and try something new. Start small with one particular habit and branch out from there. For instance, if you always eat cornflakes for breakfast, try something new. Be present and in the moment while eating or doing other tasks (see my article: Breaking Habits With Pattern Interruptions).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Approach Routines With Mindfulness: Instead of zoning out while you're doing the dishes or doing other routine tasks, slow down and engage your five senses--sight, sound, smell, touch and, if applicable, taste. When you become more aware, routine tasks become a lot less routine (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection and Mindfulness Meditation).

• Think About What You Really Want to Do: Instead of focusing on what you think you should do or what's expected of you, ask yourself what you want to do. Try journaling to self reflect and see what comes up.

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Get Curious: Autopilot keeps you zoned out. So, getting curious about something you're interested in helps to counteract autopilot tendencies. Maybe you've always been curious about Impressionist painters, learning a new language or doing improv. Allow yourself to be open to new experiences--even if it feels a little scary at first (see my article: Being Open to New Experiences).

How to Stop Living Your Life on Autopilot

• Seek Novelty: Instead of relying on old habits and routines, be aware that autopilot thrives on habit and sameness. So, try something new. Join a book club or join a new discussion group to allow yourself to get motivated and inspired.

Get Help in Therapy

Living on autopilot might have felt safe at some point in your life. Maybe you felt comforted by routines and habits because you didn't have to think or feel. 

Getting Help in Therapy

But if you feel you're stagnating in life and you're unable to break free on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who has helped clients to overcome this problem.

There might also be deeper reasons why you're stuck in autopilot including unresolved trauma.

Working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you to live your life with intention and purpose which will make your life more meaningful.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Emotional Regulation: What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

Over the years, working with clients who have unresolved trauma, I have discovered that many people don't understand the difference between being calm and being emotionally numb (see my article: What is Emotional Regulation?).

Emotional Regulation: Calmness vs Emotional Numbing

Many clients who meditate on a regular basis often think they're calm when, in reality, they're emotionally numb. 

So, I think it's worthwhile to provide information about the difference between being calm and being numb in the current article (see my article: How to Manage Emotions Without Suppressing Them).

What is the Difference Between Being Calm and Being Emotionally Numb?

There is a big difference between the state of being calm and the state of being emotionally numb:

Calmness:

• A conscious effort to relax, center and ground yourself

Calmness

• A state of peace and serenity
• An ability to be aware, acknowledge and manage emotions in an healthy way

Emotional Numbness:

• A unconscious coping mechanism to avoid overwhelming emotions
• A feeling of being emotionally detached, shut down, empty
• An inability to feel positive or negative emotions 

Emotional Numbness

• An experience of physical and/or emotional flatness
• The potential to lose interest in people and activities that were enjoyable before
• An impaired ability to fully participate in life
• A usual preference for being alone rather than being with others

Note: You don't have to experience all of these symptoms to be emotionally numb.

What Causes Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness is usually an unconscious strategy or defense mechanism for coping with overwhelming emotion.

Emotional numbing can develop at any time in life. 

It often develops at an early age when children are in situations that are emotionally overwhelming (e.g., chaotic home life, emotional and/or physical abuse and so on).

Emotional Numbness

Although this unconscious strategy can help a child to survive in an emotionally unhealthy environment because they don't get too overwhelmed, it becomes a hindrance when these children become adults.

As adults, these individuals often have difficulty knowing what they feel about themselves and others. They might also experience difficulty connecting emotionally with others so that even if part of them wants to connect with others, another part of them is afraid.  

These internal parts tend to create conflict between their desire and their dread for connection (see my article: An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

As mentioned earlier, unresolved trauma often plays of significant role for people who are emotionally numb.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how emotional numbness creates problems in a relationship and how trauma therapy can help:

Alexa

During the early stage of Alexa's relationship with Jim, she enjoyed getting to know him and spending time with him.

Problems developed after the honeymoon stage of their relationship.

Alexa and Jim

Prior to that, Alexa was aware of her emotions. She also enjoyed sex with Jim.  

However, after the initial stage of their relationship, as they became more emotionally intimate, Alexa felt emotionally and physically flat. She also felt disconnected from Jim.

After she sought help in trauma therapy, Alexa became aware of how her early history of emotional neglect and sexual abuse affected her ability to be emotionally and sexually available with Jim.

Her family history included growing up with parents who were emotionally distant from her. 

In addition, from the age of 10-13, she was sexually abused by her father's brother who took care of Alexa when her parents went out in the evenings.

Whenever her uncle came into her bedroom at night and fondled her, Alexa would freeze and dissociate (i.e., zone out).

In other words, she would become emotionally numb as an unconscious way to protect herself from being overwhelmed by the abuse.

Even when Alexa told her parents about the uncle's sexual abuse, they didn't know how to deal with it because they were intimidated by the father's brother because he was the  oldest brother and he tended to dominate Alexa's father.

As a result, although her parents stopped asking the uncle to take care of Alexa, they never confronted him, so he faced no consequences for the abuse. 

It wasn't until the uncle abused his neighbors' young daughter that he faced legal consequences after his neighbors reported him to the police and he was arrested. 

During her trauma therapy, Alexa processed her unresolved trauma with a combination of EMDR Therapy,  Somatic Experiencing and Parts Work Therapy.

The work involved the abuse by the uncle as well as her parents' neglect.

The work was neither quick nor easy but, over time, Alexa processed the trauma and she was able to be more emotionally self aware and present with Jim.  

Alexa and Jim also sought help in sex therapy to help them both to overcome their sexual problems so they could enjoy sex again.

Conclusion

There is a big difference between being calm and being emotionally numb.

Emotional numbness is often a survival strategy to ward off overwhelming emotions related to unresolved trauma.

Trauma therapy can help clients to work through unresolved trauma. 

Everyone is different in terms of how they process trauma. 

How long trauma therapy takes often depends on many factors, including the depth and complexity of the trauma as well as a client's internal resources and ability to process the trauma.

When there is a history of sexual abuse which affects a relationship, sex therapy is often helpful to assist clients to connect emotionally and sexually in a way that feels safe and pleasurable for both of them (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the training and expertise to help you.

Working through trauma helps to free you from your history so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 20 years of experience, I have helped many clients to overcome trauma, including sexually related trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can Unresolved Trauma Affect Your Ability to Feel Self Compassion?:

For many people showing compassion towards others is a lot easier than feeling self  compassion (see my article: Developing Self Compassion as an Essential Part of Trauma Recovery).

The Impact of Trauma on Self Compassion

If self compassion is a problem for you, you might wonder what makes it so difficult for you.

This is the topic of the current article.

Why is Self Compassion Difficult For So Many People?

There's no one answer, but after more than 20 years of experience working with clients who have difficulty with self compassion, I have seen certain common themes that come up over and over again:

• Past Unresolved Traumatic Experiences: People who struggle with self compassion often didn't get much needed compassion when they were growing up. Many of them were emotionally neglected and abused and these children were powerless over their circumstances. As children, they learned to see themselves through eyes of abusive and neglectful family members so, over time, they came to believe they were unworthy. And  these feelings carried over into adulthood. Although, intellectually, they might understand they deserve self compassion, they don't feel it emotionally.

• A Tough Inner Critic: The aftermath of traumatic experiences often brings a tough inner critic who tells traumatized individuals that they're not worthy of love, self compassion or much of anything that is positive. This inner critic, which is often a part that gets internalized from abusive parents, gives a constant stream of negative messages to them  (see my article: Overcoming Your Inner Critic).

• An Inability to Identify and Feel Their Own Suffering: Many people who were abused or neglected as children aren't able to identify their own suffering. Many of those same people have difficulty even identifying their emotions--positive or negative. When they were growing up, their coping strategy was to use emotional numbing to blunt the pain that would have been too overwhelming. Although emotional numbing was probably an adaptive strategy at the time, it doesn't disappear when these people become adults. Many of these individuals continue to be cut off from their feelings, including feelings of self compassion (see my article: Growing Up Feeling Invisible and Emotionally Invalidated).

• Societal Expectations: In many cultures, including the U.S., which was founded on the idea of rugged individualism, individuals are expected to be "strong" and any emotional vulnerability is considered a "weakness" (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

How to Overcome Problems With Self Compassion

Unfortunately, traumatized individuals aren't able to overcome problems with self compassion on their own.  Their inner critic is often too strong for them to overcome it on their own.

Overcoming Problems With Self Compassion

They need help from licensed mental health professionals who have the training and experience to help them. But not all therapists are trained to help clients to overcome trauma, so it's important to ask any therapist you're considering about their training and experience with regard to trauma.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you owe it to yourself to seek help from a trauma therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

There are specific therapy modalities that have been developed to help clients to overcome trauma. 

These modalities include:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy)

• Somatic Experiencing
  

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS which is Internal Family Systems and Ego States Therapy)

These trauma therapy modalities, which all come under the broad term of Experiential Therapy, are among the most effective types of therapy to overcome trauma (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy).

So, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a trauma therapist so you can free yourself from your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work and Sex Therapist.

I am a trauma therapist with over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Experiential Therapy: Learning to Sense Emotions in Your Body As Part of Trauma Therapy

One aspect of experiential psychotherapy that's different from regular talk therapy is sensing emotions in the body.  Sensing emotions in the body helps to deepen the work, get to unconscious emotions, and keeps the work in therapy from being just intellectual.  But some clients have difficulty sensing their emotions, especially if they have experienced significant trauma.  So, as part of the preparation phase of trauma therapy, the trauma therapist helps the client to learn to sense their emotions (see my article: The Body Offers a Window Into Unconscious Mind and What's the Difference Between "Top-Down" and "Bottom-Up" Approaches to Trauma Therapy?).

Experiential Therapy: Learning to Sense Emotions in Your Body as Part of Trauma Therapy 

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Learning to Sense Emotions the Body:
The following fictional clinical vignette shows how a client in experiential therapy can learn to sense emotions in the body:

Ellen
After numerous experiences of trying to work through unresolved childhood trauma in regular talk therapy, Ellen decided to try experiential therapy.

Ellen's psychotherapist provided her with psychoeducation about the different types of experiential therapy, including EMDR therapy, Somatic Experiencing and clinical hypnosis, and how each of them used the mind-body connection as part of the healing process.

As part of the preparation phase of trauma therapy, Ellen's therapist asked her to talk about 10 memories where she felt good about herself.  As she thought about it, Ellen had no problem coming up with the 10 memories from all different times in her life where she felt good about herself.  But as she and her psychotherapist went over each memory and her therapist asked her what emotions she felt in her body, Ellen was unable to identify the emotions or where she felt these emotions in her body.

Based on Ellen's traumatic history, as part of her defense mechanisms to protect herself when she was growing up, she learned to numb her emotions.  Unfortunately, as she discovered in her therapy, she not only numbed her anger, fear and sadness, she also numbed her positive emotions.  As a result, she wasn't sure what she felt.

Since experiential psychotherapy is based on being able to identify and experience emotions, Ellen's psychotherapist helped her to begin to sense her emotions in her body by starting with non-threatening situations.

For instance, Ellen had a puppy that she was very attached to from the day that she got him.  Whenever she held her puppy, she could feel how much she loved him and the puppy's unconditional love for her.

Using Ellen's experience with her puppy, Ellen's therapist asked her to close her eyes and imagine that she was holding her puppy.  Then, she asked Ellen to tell her what emotions came up for her and if she was aware of where she felt these emotions in her body.

Ellen had no problem imaging herself holding her puppy and sensing her emotions.  She told her therapist that she felt tremendous love for her puppy, and she felt protective of him.  She could also sense how affectionate her puppy was when he cuddled with her.  When she thought about where she felt her emotions for her puppy, she said she felt them radiating in her chest near her heart.

Over time, as Ellen and her therapist continued to work on other non-threatening experiences where she felt comfortable, she got better at identifying more emotions and sensing where she felt these emotions in her body.

After they had worked on a number of similar experiences, Ellen was ready to work on the 10 positive memories where she felt good about herself as part of the preparation phase of trauma therapy.

But Ellen was concerned that she might be unable to experience the negative emotions associated with her unresolved childhood trauma.  So, her psychotherapist recommended that they start by working on less threatening negative emotions.

She asked Ellen to come up with several memories that were mildly unpleasant.  She suggested that Ellen come up with memories that, on a scale of 0-10 (with 0 being no disturbance and 10 being the most disturbance Ellen could imagine) that were a 3 or 4 on that scale.

In response, Ellen came up with a memory of feeling mildly annoyed when she had to wait on line at the grocery store.  She was able to sense her annoyance and, on a scale of 0-10, she thought that memory was a 3.  Sensing where she felt the annoyance in her body was more difficult.

Her psychotherapist helped Ellen by suggesting that Ellen sense in her body to see where she was holding onto tension.  She also recommended that Ellen first focus on the area between her throat and her gut.  It took Ellen a while before she was able to detect that she felt mild tension in her upper stomach when she thought about that memory.

After they worked on a number of memories that were a 3 or 4, they gradually worked up to memories that were a 5 or a 6 in terms of how disturbing they were.

One such memory was when Ellen and her puppy ran into her neighbor in the elevator, and the neighbor complained that she didn't think the building management should allow dogs in the building because she was allergic to dogs.  Ellen told her therapist that she tried to be pleasant to her neighbor, who was being unpleasant to her, but she felt annoyed with her neighbor.

When Ellen re-experienced that memory and sensed into her body, she felt a constriction in her throat.  She told her therapist that she thought the constriction in her throat was probably related to wanting to argue with her neighbor but holding back.

Gradually, Ellen and her psychotherapist continued to work on increasingly difficult memories to help Ellen to identify and sense the emotions related to these memories in her body.  She was also expanding her window of tolerance for unpleasant emotions.

Experiential Therapy: Learning to Sense Emotions in Your Body As Part of Trauma Therapy

After a while, Ellen felt comfortable enough to be able to handle the difficult emotions that were associated with her unresolved childhood memories, and she and her psychotherapist used EMDR therapy to do trauma therapy (see my article: Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Conclusion
Experiential psychotherapy involves identifying emotions and sensing where these emotions are in the body.  This deepens the work and keeps the therapy from being just an intellectual exercise.  It also helps to get to underlying emotions.

Many people, who have unresolved trauma, are unable to identify and sense emotions in the body related to traumatic memories.  This is due to the protective nature of the defense mechanisms they used as children, including emotional numbing, which was useful at the time to keep them from being overwhelmed, but isn't useful as an adult.

Usually, the more traumatic the memories are and the more defended these individuals had to be at the time, the more difficult it is to identify emotions and to be aware of the body.

As part of the preparation phase of trauma therapy, a trauma therapist can help clients to begin to identify non-threatening emotions, at first, as they gradually work their way to more challenging emotions.

By being aware of emotions in the body related to traumatic memories, clients in experiential psychotherapy are better equipped to gradually work through these difficult emotions to resolve the trauma.

Getting Help in Therapy
Unresolved traumatic experiences will remain a part of your experience to be triggered at any time.

Getting help from an experienced trauma therapist can free you from your traumatic experiences, so you can live a more fulfilling life (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than suffering on your own, you owe it to yourself to get the help that you need.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples, and I have helped many clients to overcome their traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.