When You Shut Down Emotional Pain, You Also Shut Down Potential Pleasure

There are many people, who have a history of traumatic experiences and who could benefit from psychotherapy, but they never come to therapy.  Instead, they do whatever they can to try to suppress and avoid feeling their feelings, but what they usually don't realize is that when they shut down their emotional pain, they're also shutting down the potential for feeling pleasure (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself Emotionally).

When You Shut Down Emotional Pain, You Also Shutdown Potential Pleasure

In addition, what many of people don't know is that a skilled trauma-informed psychotherapist knows how to help clients to develop the ability to expand their "window of tolerance" so they can work through their traumatic experiences in an emotionally-safe therapeutic environment (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance in Psychotherapy).

What is the Window of Tolerance?
In my prior article, I explained that, according to Dr. Dan Siegel, the window of tolerance is a term that refers to the optimal level of arousal or the optimal zone.

When clients are in their optimal level of tolerance, they are neither hyper-aroused nor hypo-aroused.  They are able to deal with problems as they come up because they're at their optimal level of arousal.

During times of extreme stress, if clients are experiencing hyperarousal, they're in the flight/flight mode, which includes hypervigilance, anxiety, racing thoughts and possibly panic. If they're experiencing hypoarousal, they're in the freeze mode, which includes emotional numbness, feelings of emptiness or emotional paralysis.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: When You Shut Down Emotional Pain, You Also Shut Down Potential Pleasure
The following fictional vignette illustrates how suppressing emotional pain also suppresses pleasure:

Rena
After Rena's mother died in a car accident, Rena would wake up each morning feeling that she had nothing to look forward to and she lacked purpose and meaning in her life.

She told her new psychotherapist that everything felt "blah" and no sooner did she wake up in the morning than she felt like hiding under the covers (see my article: Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Complicated Grief).

When You Shut Down Emotional Pain, You Also Shut Down Potential Pleasure

She explained to her therapist that she didn't always feel this way.  For most of her life, she looked forward to the joy that each day would bring and she was able to take emotional challenges in stride.  But she was very close to her mother and after her mother died in a car accident, her grief was unbearable.

Rena realized that she had never experienced such raw sadness and anger before.  Her new psychotherapist explained to Rena how emotional numbing numbed joy as well as pain.  She recommended that they use EMDR therapy to help Rena overcome her trauma (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain).

Over the next several months, as Rena worked with her therapist on the unresolved grief, her therapist titrated the work so that it was manageable for Rena.

Rena's psychotherapist worked in a way that was within Rena's window of tolerance so that, although Rena still felt very sad when she processed her grief, she didn't feel overwhelmed.

Gradually, Rena was able to expand her window of tolerance so that she could tolerate dealing with deeper levels of emotion without feeling overwhelmed.

Psychotherapy Can Help You to Overcome Traumatic Experiences 

Over time, Rena felt as if she was coming back to life again.  Although she continued to feel sad, she also had moments of happiness.  She felt like she was coming out of a period of time when everything felt gray.  Now, she was beginning to notice colors, nature, music--all the things she enjoyed in her life before her mother died.

She memorialized her mother by writing short stories about her from the time her mother was a young girl up until the time she died so unexpectedly.  This felt healing to Rena (see my article: Writing About Your Mother After Her Death).

Conclusion
Shutting down often occurs when people feel overwhelmed by emotion.  It starts as a protective defense mechanism.  Over time, it can develop into an emotional and physical numbing that shuts out pleasure as well as pain.

When this occurs, some people feel their life has no meaning.  The more they try to avoid feeling, the more exhausting it becomes to try to suppress their feelings.

There is no quick fix for overcoming an overwhelming traumatic event, but trauma therapy can help.

Getting Help in Therapy
While it's understandable that people who have experienced trauma want to protect themselves from feeling the emotional pain, avoiding feeling emotions only makes it worse.

A skilled trauma therapist knows how to work with trauma in a relatively manageable way.

This doesn't mean that there is no emotional pain involved, but an experienced trauma therapist can work in a way to minimize a client getting overwhelmed by working within the client's window of tolerance and helping the client to expand that window of tolerance (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you're feeling stuck with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to overcome trauma.

Working through psychological trauma allows you to work through the emotional pain so that you can feel like yourself again and you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I am a trauma-informed psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Coping With Grief: It's Common For the Emotional Pain to Get Worse Before It Gets Better

Often, the grief you feel when you've lost someone close to you feels so overwhelming that you might wonder if you'll ever feel better.  Unfortunately, it's a common experience for the grief to get worse before it gets better.  But, with help from a professional mental health professional, you can work through the grief.

Coping With Grief

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and the Five Stages of Grief
Many people, who are experiencing grief, are somewhat familiar with Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's book On Death and Dying (1969) and her hypothesis that people go through five stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Dr. Kubler-Ross never wrote that these stages were experienced in any particular sequence, but this is a common misunderstanding.

In fact, people often go through a combination of stages at the same time and they can cycle back and forth through these stages.  But this misunderstanding that the stages follow in a linear process has been the cause of a lot of confusion.  It has often been at the heart of people feeling that they are, somehow, "abnormal" if they're not going through the stages in a particular order, and especially if they start to feel worse.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the common experience of grief getting worse before it gets better and how grief can be worked through with help:

Jane
After a long battle with lymphoma, Jane's husband, Ray, died peacefully at home with the assistance of hospice care.  Jane and other family members were there as he passed away.

Initially, after his death, she was very busy with funeral arrangements and relatives who came from out of town.  Afterwards, there was plenty to do to take care of with insurance policies, thank you notes, and going through medical bills.

Coping With Grief

Shortly after Ray died, Jane felt that she and Ray had said what they needed to say to each other before he slipped into an unconscious state and then died.  But after everyone went home and she had taken care of paperwork and bills, she realized that she was only just beginning to grieve for her husband of 20 years.

Everyone told Jane that "time would heal all wounds."  After the first year, well-meaning friends were encouraging her to put Ray's death behind her and to start dating again.  Jane knew her friends meant well, but even the thought of seeing another man made her feel sick to her stomach.  She knew that none of her friends had ever lost a husband and they didn't understand what she was going through.

If anything, after a year, she was feeling worse.  It took about that long for her to fully realize what it meant that she would never see her husband again.  Until now, she understood this as a fact, a piece of information.  But now, she was beginning to understand it on an emotional level, and she wasn't sure how she would be able to cope with this.

Jane missed Ray terribly every day.  She often had dreams about him at night where he would come back to tell her that he wasn't really dead, and then he would disappear.  The dreams were so real that Jane would wake up not being sure if the dream was really a dream or if she had really seen Ray.

After a while, it got to the point where Jane preferred to go to sleep and dream about Ray than to be awake and live without him.  When she talked to her friends about it, everyone had a different opinion about it.  Some people told her that Ray was trying to contact her from "the other side."  Other people told her to forget about these dreams, "life was for the living"and she should "move on" with her life.

After Jane began to spend more and more time sleeping just to be able to feel she was having some contact with her husband, she realized that she couldn't go on with this.  She was starting to neglect herself by eating poorly and, in general, not taking care of herself as well as she normally would.

At that point, Jane sought the help of a therapist who specialized in helping clients to deal with grief and loss.  After she began therapy, Jane was relieved to hear that her experience was common.

Jane talked about her husband in her therapy sessions, and she felt free enough to cry in the sessions without feeling like she needed to "get over it," as her friends advised her.  She even brought in pictures of her husband and her, including their wedding pictures and other pictures at important stages of their life together.

After a while, Jane felt an emotional shift.  She still missed her husband, but she felt like he was with her wherever she went.  Her therapist helped her to understand that the emotional shift occurred because in their therapy work together Jane had internalized her husband on a deep level so, as Jane might say, "I feel I'm carrying him in my heart."

Gradually, Jane began to feel better.  Two years after her husband died, she was able to start dating.  She knew that no one would ever take Ray's place in her heart.   But she also realized that her heart was big enough for the possibility of someone new.

Complicated Grief
As I mentioned, Jane's experience is common among people who have had significant losses.

There are also people who experience what is called "complicated grief" where the loss feels as fresh years later as it did when it happened.  It's not just that they feel worse after a year or so.  It's that there is no relief from the anguish people feel about their loss even after years have passed.  People who experience complicated grief can benefit from seeking the help of a licensed mental health professional.

Getting Help in Therapy
If your grief feels like it's getting worse rather than better and you're having a hard time coping with it on your own, don't suffer alone.  You could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in this area.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.
I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through their grief.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping With Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

Complicated grief and unresolved mourning often occurs when there is a delay in the mourning process. If unresolved mourning persists, over time, it can result in major depression, anxiety or posttraumatic disorder (PTSD). Complicated grief can occur for many reasons.

Coping With Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

The vignette below, which I'm providing with permission from a friend (changing her name to protect her privacy) illustrates how unresolved mourning can lead to further emotional complications over time:

Mary:
When Mary was nine years old, her father died from a sudden heart attack.  Due to the suddenness of her father's death, Mary's mother went into shock and she was physically and emotionally unavailable for Mary.  Mary, who was very close to her father was left to deal with her own overwhelming grief on her own.  Most of the family was focused on helping Mary's mother through the emotional ordeal.

Coping With Complicated Grief and Unresolved Mourning

To complicate matters, Mary, who was a quiet girl, appeared to be handling the loss relatively well.  What the family didn't understand was that Mary was emotionally dissociated because her father's death was too overwhelming for her.  What appeared to be Mary's calm demeanor was, in fact, a dissociation.  Since she had no one to comfort her, Mary retreated into herself emotionally, and no one could see what was happening to her.

Over the years, Mary had frequent dreams where her father would appear to her and tell her that he wasn't dead.  These recurring dreams usually took a familiar form where Mary would turn around and then when she turned back, her father was gone.  She continued to have these dreams throughout her adulthood. The result was that Mary's internal experience of her father went into a netherworld where she felt she was continually waiting to wake up and discover that her father's death was all a dream.

Over the years, Mary's internal experience of her father became as shadowy and ghost-like as her dreams.  At times, even though she knew rationally that he had lived and she had wonderful memories of their times together, a part of her felt felt like he had never existed.  This was a very confusing experience, and it made her feel like she was losing her mind.

After many failed attempts to have romantic relationships with men, she decided to see a psychotherapist to try to understand her experiences.

It was at that point that she learned that she had PTSD stemming from her complicated grief and unresolved mourning.  As she began to integrate her experiences related to father's death, she was able to finally mourn her loss. She also integrated her memories, both positive and negative, so that her experience of her father coalesced, rather than being stuck in a dissociated netherworld.

Prior to going to therapy, Mary feared dealing with her unresolved grief.  She feared that she would be overwhelmed with sorrow.


But once she began therapy, she realized that dealing with her grief, although sad, was a healing experience.  It also helped her to be able to sustain a romantic relationship with the man she eventually  married.  She was no longer afraid to open herself up to a loving relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy:
As a psychotherapist in NYC, I have helped many clients to overcome the effects of complicated grief and unresolved mourning.

If you are someone who is having difficulty mourning the loss of a loved one, you owe to yourself and those who are close to you to get help.

Getting Help in Therapy

Mourning isn't easy, but living with the constant  pain of loss that feels like it will never end, usually leads to even deeper emotional pain.

Healing is possible with an experienced psychotherapist who has expertise in complicated grief and unresolved mourning.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I work dynamically with clients in a supportive environment.  I am also certified in mind-body oriented psychotherapy, which includes clinical hypnosis,  Somatic Experiencing, and EMDR.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up  consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with the Loss of a Loved One: Complicated Grief

In prior articles, I focused on coping with grieving for a loved one, whether it is a family member, friend or a cherished pet (see links for those articles below). I emphasized that no one is immune to loss and grief and everybody is different in terms of how they grieve and how long.

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Complicated Grief

What is complicated grief?
Complicated grief is when grieving turns into not just sadness, but psychological symptoms that include features of depression and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Someone who is suffering with complicated grief might become obsessive about the details of the death or highly suspicious about other people's motives.

In some cases, they might hallucinate. They will often have intrusive thoughts about the deceased person. They might deny the death (thinking the deceased person is alive somewhere else and suffering, needing their help) or they might want to die themselves.

In many cases, they are unable to function in their daily activities of living (getting up, going to work), or they find it too difficult to maintain their self care (bathing, sleeping, dressing themselves).

Getting Help: What to do if you or someone you know is suffering with complicated grief:
If you or someone you know is suffering with complicated grief, it's very important to seek professional mental health as soon as possible.

Do not assume that the symptoms will go away on their own. A licensed psychotherapist can assist by helping to work through the grief.

Hypnotherapy (also known as clinical hypnosis) and EMDR are two types of treatment that can be very helpful in assisting people to overcome complicated grief (see my prior postings to learn about these very effective forms of therapy).

About Me:
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist and EMDR therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Other articles about grief in this blog:  
Grief in Waiting After the Death of a Parent

Resolving Complicated Grief

Common Reactions to Grief: It's Not Unusual to Feel Worse Before You Feel Better

Coping With the Loss of a Loved One: Taking Care of Yourself

Coping With the Loss of a Pet