Coping With Ambiguous Loss

The term ambiguous loss was coined by Dr. Pauline Boss in the 1970s. She is an internationally-recognized American educator, researcher and family therapist.

She has written a few books on the topic of ambiguous loss:

• Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live With Unresolved Grief

• Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping With Stress and Grief

• The Myth of Closure

What is Ambiguous Loss?

Ambiguous loss is defined as a loss that lacks closure or a clear understanding. 

Dr. Boss classified two types:

• Physically Absent But Psychologically Present: A loved one is gone physically but remains present in the minds and hearts of family and friends (e.g., a missing person, estrangement, giving up a baby for adoption, separation). The experience is: Gone but no certainty if they are alive or dead, which often leads to a search for answers.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

• Physically Present But Psychologically Absent: In this type of loss a person is physically present but they are emotionally or cognitively absent (e.g., dementia/Alzheimers; traumatic brain injury; chronic depression; an intense preoccupation with work, technology, etc.) The experience: "Here but not here" which leads to grief for what is missing.

Ambiguous loss is considered the most stressful loss because it usually doesn't allow for typical grieving rituals and closure.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

Coping with ambiguous loss involves accepting that complete closure may not be possible.

Strategies for coping include:

• Finding Meaning: Acknowledging the ambiguity and that the situation is not within your control but finding personal meaning for yourself

• Balancing Emotions: Managing the tension between hoping for a return/recovery and accepting the current reality

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

• Seeking Support: Utilizing therapy or a support group for emotional support and to validate your experience

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how someone can cope with the ambiguous loss of a loved one being physically present but psychologically absent:

Gina

When Gina's mother, Ann, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, Gina felt crushed. Her mother had always been an intelligent, active and loving person who held a responsible job as a hospital administrator for many years before she retired.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

Several years after Ann retired, she complained to Gina that she was getting forgetful and confused. When Gina discussed this with her brother and sister, they decided to take their mother to a neurologist to get evaluated. That's when they were told that their mother was in the middle stage of Alzheimer's.

The neurologist provided them with resources for their mother and support groups for them, including the Alzheimer's Association. 

They talked about the diagnosis as a family and realized they had different views. Gina and her sister felt their mother should be told because they knew she would want to know what was happening to her and be part of the planning. However, their brother, who was the eldest, said their mother would only get upset if she knew so she shouldn't be told.

After going back and forth about this decision for several weeks, the brother relented and said he would go along with what Gina and her sister thought was best.

When they told Ann, they weren't surprised to hear that she already had a feeling that she might have Alzheimer's because her mother and maternal grandmother had it (although people don't always inherit Alzheimer's).

Knowing that she would decline over time, Ann was very sad, but she was also a practical person. She asked her children to arrange for visits with a geriatric social worker and an elder care attorney to advise them.

Gina and her siblings each had different reactions. Gina's brother tended to be stoic and he didn't want to discuss his feelings. Gina and her sister supported each other in their grief. They talked frequently. They also joined an online Alzheimer's support group and felt relieved to hear that other adult children were going through the same emotional ups and downs as they were experiencing.

Gina also sought help in individual therapy because she wanted the privacy to talk about things she didn't feel comfortable talking about in the support group.

She told her therapist that she had always relied on her mother for emotional support and advice whenever she had to make big decisions and the thought of not being able to do that made her feel tremendous grief.

As her mother declined, Gina's therapist recommended that she work on a family photo album with her mother. So, Gina gathered together the loose family photos her mother kept in a box, bought a photo album and went through the pictures with her mother as they placed the pictures in the album.

She and her mother laughed and reminisced about the events in the photos for hours. Her mother told her she hadn't thought about some of the people and events in the photos for a long time.

They also listened to some of her mother's favorite music which she enjoyed when she was younger. This also stimulated certain memories for her mother.

While her mother was still able to garden, Gina's sister and Ann spent time planting in the mother's garden, which they both found relaxing.

Gina's brother took Ann for walks around the neighborhood and pointed out places that Ann knew from years ago. 

Although the medication the neurologist prescribed helped to slow Ann's decline, eventually, Ann could no longer be maintained at home with a home health aide, and Gina and her siblings had to make tough decisions.

At that point, their mother had declined so much that she only remembered her children intermittently. She was also frequently agitated, which was so different from how Gina and her siblings had always known Ann to be prior to the onset of Alzheimer's.

Gina and her sister wanted to explore nursing homes, but their brother refused to even consider the idea. The thought of putting their mother in a facility was beyond what he could bear. So, he decided to take time off from work and, with the help of an aide, took care of Ann full time.

He soon discovered how exhausting this was--even with Gina and her sister relieving him for a few days out of the week and the help of a home health aide.

When Gina's brother needed to return to work, they spoke with the geriatric social worker who helped them to find facilities that were suitable for their mother. They visited several places, which were good but left each of them feeling very sad.  These facilities had memory units to help patients with dementia and Alzheimer's, patients were well taken care of, but the sight of many elderly impaired patients was upsetting.

At that point, Ann was no longer able to make decisions for herself. Gina and her siblings had already consulted with an elder care attorney to establish a durable power of attorney with Gina in charge. Then, they chose a facility close to where they all lived so they could visit Ann frequently.

At each stage of her mother's decline, Gina felt, at times, that her sadness and grief were unbearable. But she continued to discuss her feelings with her therapist and in the Alzheimer's support group because this was unlike any loss she had ever experienced before.

Over time, even though she felt tremendous sadness and grief, she accepted she couldn't control what was happening to her mother. 

There were some days when her mother seemed content to be participating in activities at the facility and other days when Ann glared at Gina and her other children and said, "Why did you put me here?"

Every time Gina felt she had come to accept her mother's condition, she had to contend with the next stage of her mother's decline. 

Gina's friends, who had older parents who were still functioning well, seemed to want to avoid talking to Gina about how she felt. Gina felt frustrated about this, but she understood that they had their own fears for what might eventually happen to their parents.

In addition to therapy and the Alzheimer's support group, Gina also felt some comfort in journaling. 

After her mother died, Gina felt a mixture of sadness, grief and relief that her mother was no longer suffering. 

She told her therapist she felt guilty that she felt relief and her therapist normalized what Gina was experiencing. She told Gina that it's common for adult children to experience a mixture of emotions including relief.

Gina learned to accept that her grief and sadness would come in waves so that she could feel better for a period of time but, seemingly out of nowhere, she felt tremendous sadness.

Over time, Gina learned to live with her grief. There were even days when she felt hopeful and grateful for what she had in her life. 

She also volunteered to be a peer group leader with the Alzheimer's support group so she could help others to deal with their loss and provide them with a sense of hope.

Conclusion

There are two types of ambiguous loss. I focused on the physically present but psychologically absent because this type of loss isn't addressed as often as the physically absent but psychologically present.

The vignette presented a daughter with a mother who had Alzheimer's. This type of loss could also involve someone coping with a sick or cognitively impaired spouse.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

Both types of ambiguous loss are difficult, but with help there is hope.

Getting Help in Therapy

Loved ones can be well-meaning but often say and do things that are unsupportive.

A licensed mental health professional, who has an expertise with helping clients to cope with ambiguous loss, can help you to navigate the stages of loss.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health professional so you can learn to cope with ambiguous loss.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years with grief, loss, trauma and many other issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

The Challenges of the "Sandwich Generation": Raising Children and Taking Care of Elderly Parents

Coping With the Loss of Loved Ones - Common Reactions 

The Many Layers of Grief 

You Continue to Have an Internal Relationship With Your Parents After They Have Died

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

Often, along with the joy of the holiday season also comes stress.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

It's not surprising, given all the demands of holiday time, that people often feel emotionally overwhelmed at this time of year.

Shopping, entertaining, and attending holiday parties can take an emotional toll. But with some foresight and planning, you can learn to manage the stress of the holidays and actually enjoy this time of year.

Taking Care of Yourself During the Holidays

Knowing that the holiday season can be a stressful and emotional time and taking some preventive steps can help you from getting overwhelmed.

If you've had losses, like a death of a loved one, a breakup or loved ones are far away, it's normal to feel sad. Throughout the holiday season we're given explicit and implicit messages that we "should" be happy.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

So, if we're having a difficult time, we can feel out of step with the rest of the world at this time. It might seem that everyone else is enjoying the holidays and we're stuck in a funk. But it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they are, whether this means crying or expressing your feelings to a friend or loved one.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays: Taking Care of Yourself 

A Time for Gratitude

If you're alone during the holiday season, you can have a sense of community at a religious or community gathering.

If you're not religious or spiritual, you can volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, hospital or nursing home. Often, when we volunteer to help those less fortunate than ourselves, we not only help others--we also feel a sense of gratitude for what we do have in our lives, even if we're having a difficult time.

If you're fortunate enough to have good friends and family around, remember that the holidays don't have to be perfect.

When we have good memories of the holidays from childhood, sometimes our current experiences can feel flat as compared to those earlier times.

But we must acknowledge that things change. Rather than holding onto unrealistic expectations for the holidays, appreciate the people who are in your life now. Let go of unreasonable expectations of yourself and others. This will go a long way to helping prevent disappointments or misunderstandings.

When it comes to spending for the holidays, many people are scaling back what they would normally spend. If you budget ahead of time and stick to your budget, you'll avoid the stress of big credit card bills after the holidays.

Time well spent with loved ones or a homemade gift is so much more meaningful than exceeding your budget with an expensive gift.

Planning your time well can also help alleviate stress during the holidays. Once again, be realistic about what you can do. It's okay to tactfully say "no" to others when you know you'll be overextending yourself beyond what you can do.

Know Your Limits

It's also important to take breathers during the holiday season. Rather than pushing yourself beyond your physical or emotional limits, take breaks during the day.

A few minutes of mindfulness meditation or just closing your eyes and breathing can make the difference between your getting through the holidays feeling emotionally and physically in tact and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing therapy services in my private practice in Manhattan. I work with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Strategies For Coping With Post Election Stress

Many people are under a lot of stress during this post election time (see my article: Developing Calmness and Balance During Stressful Times).

Coping with Post Election Stress

Fear and anxiety are running high and many people don't know how to cope with their emotions. 

This is especially true for people who feel the future is very uncertain and there's nothing they can do about it (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

The purpose of this article is to provide suggestions which can help you to get through this difficult time.

Strategies For Coping With Post Election Fear and Anxiety

• Acknowledge and Accept How You Feel Right Now: The first step to coping with any uncomfortable feelings is to acknowledge and accept that this is how you're feeling right now rather than denying it or trying to push down your feelings. Also, be aware that how you feel right now might not be how you feel over time, especially if you take steps to take care of yourself.

Coping with Post Election Stress: Accept Your Feelings

• Know You're Not Alone: When you're feeling anxious and fearful, you might feel like you're alone--even though you know rationally that there are millions of people who feel the same way. But you're not alone. (see my article: Steps to Overcome Loneliness).

• Seek Connection With Like-Minded People: Instead of isolating, seek connection with others who have similar feelings. There is comfort in knowing you're not alone with your anxiety and fear. Talking with others who feel as you do can help, especially if your conversations lead to new ways of coping and taking action for yourself and others.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Seek Connection

• Take Care of Yourself: Eating nutritious meals, getting good sleep, exercising at a level that's right for you and taking care of your mental health are all important, especially when you're under stress (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

• Take Part in Enjoyable Activities: Whether you enjoy walks in the park, getting together with friends and family or engaging in activities that uplift you, make the time for these activities.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Enjoy Activities

• Take Breaks From the News: It's important to be well informed, but watching hours and hours of broadcast news can make you feel even more anxious, so taking breaks from the news is important.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Volunteer

• Volunteer With Advocacy Groups: Volunteering is a way to feel less isolated. Volunteering can also help to reduce your feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and apathy. There are plenty of groups, including climate change groups, groups to preserve democracy, women's rights groups, LGBTQ groups and other advocacy groups that can use your help and help you to feel like you're making a difference (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Isolation).

Coping With Post Election Stress: Seek Help From a Psychotherapist

• Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: If you feel you're struggling with fear, anxiety or depression and self help strategies aren't helping you, seek help from a licensed mental health professional. A skilled psychotherapist can provide you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve calm and balance in your life (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 25 years of experience as a psychotherapist, I have helped many clients to overcome fear, anxiety and unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

In my prior article about improving communication in a relationship, What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing? , I focused on a common problem that many couples have when they argue, which is criticizing their partner's personality or character instead of complaining about a particular action or behavior (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

In the current article, I'm focusing on another common problem: "kitchen sinking."

What is "Kitchen Sinking" in a Relationship?

"Kitchen sinking" involves bringing up unrelated issues or past grievances when a couple is arguing about a particular issue.

Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

Metaphorically, "kitchen sinking" refers to when one or both partners throw everything at each other except the kitchen sink. 

An Example of "Kitchen Sinking"

Betty (sounding frustrated): "I felt disappointed when I woke up this morning and found the same dirty dishes in the sink you said you would wash.  We talked about the ant problem and how important it is not to leave dirty dishes in the sink because we just got over an infestation."

Ray (defensively): "Yeah, well, you're not perfect either. Last week you forgot to make a payment on our credit card and we were charged interest."

Betty (annoyed): "What does that have to do with the dishes in the sink? Can we stick to that topic?"

Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

Ray (defensively): If you're going to complain to me about something I didn't do, I'm going to complain about something you didn't do. Not only that--we agreed that you would take care of making travel arrangements for our trip that's coming up in two months and you haven't done that either. You also didn't get an estimate from the electrician yet. And don't think I forgot about how you kept me waiting at the restaurant for 20 minutes last month."

Betty (even more frustrated): "I don't know why you're bringing up all these other things that we've already discussed? And you know I already apologized for keeping you waiting last month and you accepted my apology. Why do you keep bringing up all these unrelated things?"

Ray (as he's walking out the door): "Oh forget it! I can't talk to you. I'm going to see my friend, Mike. Don't wait up for me."

Betty (exasperated as she watches Ray walk out the door): "I'm so overwhelmed and tired of these arguments" (referring to ongoing arguments where Ray has a tendency to "kitchen sink" her).

Why is "Kitchen Sinking" a Problem?

The problems with "kitchen sinking" includes:

• Diverting attention away from the current problem
• Cluttering the current topic with a list of unrelated problems
• Muddling the current topic
• Escalating the discussion from a complaint to criticism
• Making it difficult to get back to the original problem
• Making it difficult to resolve the original problem
• Creating resentment and frustration
• Creating stress and emotional overwhelm

In the example above, Betty starts the conversation with a complaint about Ray's behavior when she expresses her disappointment that he didn't follow through on their agreement that he would wash the dishes.

Note that she's using an "I message" about how she feels and she's not criticizing his personality or character. Her complaint is specific regarding his behavior (or in this case about something he agreed to do and didn't).  

She also referred to why it was important to wash the dishes because it's connected to a problem they're trying to avoid, which is a reoccurrence of an infestation of ants.

Ray, who felt defensive about not doing what he said he would do, chose to respond by criticizing Betty when he told her she's "not perfect." 

Consciously or unconsciously, he's hoping to divert the discussion away from his behavior to Betty's character ("not perfect") and a list of unrelated grievances he has against her, including her lateness from last month after he already accepted her apology and, supposedly, forgiven her for being late.

How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

The following suggestions could help you and your partner if one or both of you have a tendency to engage in "kitchen sinking":

• Regulate Your Emotions: If you know you have a tend to fly off the handle, get defensive and divert discussions from the topic at hand to unrelated topics, learn to regulate your emotions by:

• Slowing down

• Recognizing and learning to cope with your triggers

• Using effective strategies to cope with heated discussions with your partner

• Focusing on the present moment and the current problem

• Taking a break if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, but do so by having an agreement with your partner beforehand about when you'll resume the discussion at a mutually agreed upon time. Then, follow through with that agreement by getting back to the discussion after you have calmed down.

• Be Intentional: Before you and your partner engage in a discussion, agree to what you'll both be discussing and then stick to that topic.  Avoid criticizing or bringing up unrelated topics. Communicate with "I" messages ("I feel guilty that I didn't do what I said I would do").

• Take Responsibility: Instead of trying to divert the discussion into unrelated areas, take responsibility if you know you made a mistake. This can help to avoid long drawn out arguments. And, if you're the partner who is complaining, practice compassion and forgiveness, when appropriate, especially if the problem is relatively minor.

Focus on Problems as a Team

• Focus on the Problem as a Team: Instead of criticizing and blaming each other, focus on resolving the problem together as a team.

Get Help in Therapy

When "kitchen sinking" has become an ingrained pattern for a couple, it often becomes part of a negative cycle in a relationship (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).

If you and your partner have been unable to improve your communication on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who knows how to help couples to overcome communication problems.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the skills and strategies you need to improve your communication so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to communicate more effectively in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can Trauma Therapy Help to Cope With Family Estrangements?

Many people believe that family bonds are unbreakable, and yet many parents, adult children and adult siblings are choosing to have minimal or no contact with each other.

Coping With Family Estrangement

Family estrangements, whether they involve no contact or minimal contact, often bring a sense of:

• Loss
• Grief
• Sadness
• Shame
• Guilt

These feelings come up even when people who have chosen to be estranged believe that estrangement is best for everyone involved.

Coping With Family Estrangement

Since family estrangement often goes against many people's basic assumptions and values about what family relationships should be, there is often a stigma attached to choosing to have little or no contact with family members.

The estrangement is difficult enough, but dealing with the stigma adds another emotional burden.  As a result, people often seek help in trauma therapy to cope with their feelings.

Family estrangements can be for a finite amount of time and it's possible, under certain circumstances, for family members to work out their problems (see my articles: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships and Healing Father-Son Relationships).

Other types of family problems cannot be worked out either because one or more family members are unwilling and/or unable to work out their problems or because doing so would be emotionally or physically harmful to one or more people involved.

Each case is different and, as previously mentioned, a family estrangement doesn't necessarily mean a total cutoff. It can be a decision for minimal contact. 

How Can Trauma Therapy Help to Cope With Family Estrangements?

Assuming you and your therapist are a good therapeutic fit and your therapist has experience helping clients to deal with the trauma of family estrangements, trauma therapy can help you to:

• Develop Insight and Understanding: Choosing to be estranged from your family can be a confusing and guilt-ridden process even when you know that it's what's best for your mental health. It's also equally true that being the family member who hasn't chosen estrangement and who wants a reconciliation can be just as difficult. Therapy can help you to develop insight and understanding about your family situation so that whatever decision has made (or you are considering making) makes sense to you--even though it brings emotional distress.  

• Feel Emotionally Supported: A skilled therapist will be objective and not intrusive. She won't try to influence your decision-making process or try to get you to change your mind or advocate for a particular course of action. She will listen with empathic attunement and provide you with emotional support.

• Develop Tools and Strategies: A skilled psychotherapist will help you to develop the necessary tools and strategies to cope with your situation--no matter if you're the person who has chosen estrangement or the person who wants a reconciliation. Depending upon your needs, these tools and strategies might include helping you to: 

• Increase your self esteem

• Communicate your personal needs

• Set appropriate boundaries with family members (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)

• Develop relationship skills

• Cope With Grief: Family estrangements are often traumatic for everyone involved. Even when you're the one who has chosen to be estranged from your family, you can still experience grief, sadness and loss. The estrangement can also trigger unresolved trauma. If you're the person who didn't choose the estrangement, you might feel helpless and hopeless to deal with the situation, which can also bring up unresolved trauma.

• Heal Emotionally: Emotional healing can mean different things for different people. There are certain types of psychotherapy, which were developed specifically to help clients heal from trauma, including family trauma, which a trauma therapist can use, including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) 

• Ego States Therapy (also known as Parts Work)
• 
  
• Somatic Experiencing

• Take the Next Step in Your Life and Avoid Stagnation: Whether you have chosen the estrangement or you feel it has been imposed upon you, you might struggle with how to move on in your life. Moving on doesn't mean that you won't feel sad or angry. It means you recognize that, although your family situation is difficult, you know that getting  stuck indefinitely is detrimental to your well-being. So, you might need tools and strategies to avoid indefinite stagnation.

My Next Article on This Topic:

Estrangements Between Parents and Adult Children

Getting Help in Therapy

As previously mentioned, family estrangements are often traumatic for everyone involved. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

No matter what your role is in a family estrangement, you could benefit from working with a skilled trauma therapist who has experience helping clients with this issue. 

Rather than struggling alone, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the skills and experience to help you.

About Me

I am a New York City licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist who works with adults.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma, including family trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Use Pattern Interruptors to Stop Overthinking

This article is the second part on the topic of overthinking (see my article: Tips on How to Stop Overthinking).

What is Overthinking?

Overthinking or worrying can include overanalyzing and rumination about negative thoughts.

Overthinking, Worry and Rumination

Overthinking can also result in chain reaction thinking where someone worries about the future in terms of "What if...." thinking (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?).

In other words, they worry about all the things that could go wrong--even when there's no objective reason to worry about these things:

• "What if I get sick? Then I can't work. Then I can't pay my bills. Then I'll lose my apartment and I'll be homeless."

• "What if my partner leaves me? Then I'll be all alone. Then I'll never meet anyone else. Then I'll be alone forever and I'll feel like a loser."

If someone gets stuck in overthinking and chain reaction thinking this often results in procrastination because the person gets stuck in a cycle of rumination and worry. 

In addition, someone can become mentally and emotionally paralyzed because chain reaction thinking leads to a pessimistic outlook on the future, which can leave them feeling helpless and hopeless as they anticipate everything that could possibly go wrong.

People who overthink often try to eliminate any possibility of failure and external judgment or criticism. This can keep them in an ongoing cycle of worry and overthinking without making a decision (see my article: Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time).

What is at the Root of Overthinking?

For many people the root of overthinking and excessive worrying is fear of separation or loss.

Using Pattern Interruptors to Stop Overthinking

People who have a history of trauma often don't know how to manage their fears, especially when they're triggered in ways that bring them back emotions related to unresolved trauma (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect You).

How Can You Manage Your Fears to Stop Overthinking and Worrying?

Managing a fear that can develop into overthinking and worry can be challenging, especially if this is an ingrained pattern for you.

Here are some suggestions that might work for you:

Managing Your Emotions: An important part of managing fear so you don't get stuck in overthinking and rumination is learning to learn emotional self regulation (see my article: How to Manage Your Emotions).

De-identifying With Your Fear: De-identifying with your fear involves being able to separate who you are at your core from your fear. This allows you to cope with your fear by maintaining equanimity.  De-identification from your fear can include:

• Doing Mindfulness Meditation: Rather than getting stuck in chain reaction thinking, you observe your fears in a calm and centered way (see my article: How to Practice Mindfulness Meditation).

• Tuning Into Your Senses: When you bring your awareness to your body,  you can tune into your senses in terms of what you're seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling and tasting (if taste is applicable). This can help you to calm yourself and separate yourself from your rumination (see my article: What is Somatic Awareness?).

• Doing a Body Scan Meditation (see my article: How to Do the Body Scan Meditation)

• Grounding and Centering Yourself (see my article: How to Use Grounding to Calm Yourself)

Regaining Perspective

• Asking Yourself: How would I feel about this 5 years from now?

• Asking Yourself: How would a friend I admire (someone who doesn't get stuck in worry and rumination) handle this?

• Looking at Google Earth: Looking at your neighborhood and zooming out to a larger view where you can see the Earth floating in space helps you to put your problem in perspective.

• Looking at the Ocean: Standing on the shore and looking at the vastness of the ocean could put your problem in perspective.

• Remembering Experiences With Past Worries: Can you think of times from the past when you got stuck worrying about problems that either never materialized or were minor compared to what you feared? Is it possible that the current problem might be similar?

• Becoming Aware of What You Can and Can't Control: The Serenity Prayer can remind you of the things you can and can't control. If the problem is something you can't control, this can take some of the pressure off you. If it's something you can control or there are aspects of the problem you can control, you can take action.

How Can Ego States Therapy/Parts Work Help?

As I've mentioned in prior articles about Ego States Therapy, a form of Parts Work, we are all made up of a multiplicity of selves (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

Getting Help in Therapy

Most people are familiar with this concept based on John Bradshaw's writing about the Inner Child. However, the Inner Child is only one part of the many parts that make up who we are.

When I work with clients who have a tendency to overthinking things, I help them to identify the worrying part as one aspect of themselves. The worrying part is not all of who they are. It's just one part.

There are also other parts of the self that can be related to the worrying part as well as other parts that can empower clients.

If a client has a tendency to overthink, worry and get stuck in rumination, that part often has a long history going back to unresolved trauma. So, there is probably a particular part that gets activated in certain situations.

Clinical Example of Using Ego States Therapy/Parts Work to Overcome Overthinking

The following fictional vignette is based on composites of real situations with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Jane

Jane got highly anxious whenever tax season rolled around. Whenever she gathered her tax information, she felt highly anxious and fearful. She would ruminate about filing taxes, procrastinate to avoid doing them, and then rush to get the taxes filed at the last minute, which created even more stress and anxiety. 

When she spoke to her therapist about this, Jane discovered that doing taxes activated a young part of her who watched her parents get into huge arguments about taxes and finances in general. 

Her therapist used Ego States Therapy to give that younger part a voice. Then, she helped Jane to use the adult part of her, the part who knew objectively that she had nothing to worry about, to talk to her younger part to reassure her.  

This type of reassurance is something Jane never experienced when she was a child and as she and her therapist continued to work in this way, Jane felt her younger self relaxing, especially when Jane's adult self reassured her younger self by saying, "It's okay. You don't have to worry about this. The problems your parents had are in the past. I'm taking care of this now so you don't have to worry about it."

Over time, Jane discovered other parts of herself through her work in Ego States Therapy, and she felt empowered. 

Gradually, she overcame her fear of filing taxes and other similar fears.

Conclusion

Overthinking, rumination and worry are common problems for many people.

You can learn to interrupt your pattern of overthinking and worrying by using the tools discussed in this article.

If you find that the self help tools in this article aren't enough to help you overcome your problem, you can seek help from an Experiential Therapist who does Parts Work or other types of experiential therapy that involve the mind-body connection (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

Experiential therapy includes mind-body oriented therapies including:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Ego States Therapy/Parts Work/Parts Work
• 
  
• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) 

• Somatic Experiencing and other similar therapies.

A skilled Experiential therapist can help you to overcome the thought patterns that are disrupting your life.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an Experiential therapist so you can free yourself from your traumatic history and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.