Developing a Deeper Understanding About Your Anxiety Using Self-Help Journal Prompts

This article was updated on September 16, 2026.

While standard cognitive-behavioral tools excel at managing acute symptoms, true relief often requires a shift from surface-level coping to a deeper, psychodynamic exploration. 

Anxiety is rarely just a reaction to an immediate trigger; more often, it operates as a psychological defense mechanism designed to keep overwhelming subconscious feelings—such as forbidden anger, deep grief, or hidden shame—buried beneath the surface. 

While my previous article outlined actionable CBT journal prompts to cope with anxiety by asking if a thought is realistic, resolving chronic tension requires a different inquiry. To achieve long-term healing, the vital question a trauma therapist helps you ask is: "What is my anxiety trying to protect me from facing?"

Understanding Your Anxiety With Journal Prompts

Shifting from behavioral management to psychodynamic insight means investigating the root causes of your distress rather than just treating the symptom. 

When you use targeted self-help journal prompts for anxiety, you begin to safely unmask the hidden emotional wounds driving your nervous system's fight-or-flight response. Below, I break down the specific reflective journaling prompts designed to bypass your defense mechanisms, map your internal landscape, and unlock authentic emotional resolution.

Developing a Deeper Understanding About Your Anxiety

Anxiety is rarely just about the current trigger or what is going on in the moment. 

Instead, anxiety is often a defense mechanism to keep even more uncomfortable feelings buried beneath the surface. This can include forbidden anger, grief or shame. 

While the cognitive behavioral prompts from my previous article allow you to ask yourself questions like, "Is this thought realistic?", if you want to gain a deeper understanding about your anxiety, the deeper question would be "What is my anxiety trying protect me from facing?"

The Mask of Anxiety

Anxiety often acts as a "placeholder" for an emotion you unconsciously feel unsafe expressing. 

Journal prompts to uncover the underlying emotions include: 

• If my anxiety were a mask for a heavier emotion, what emotion would be hiding underneath the anxiety?

• What emotions were considered unacceptable or dangerous in my family when I was growing up? Anger? Sadness? Another emotion? 

• How do I react today when I feel that emotion?

• Am I using anxiety to distract myself from a hard truth?

Childhood Origins and Core Templates

Our earliest relationships with parents and others form the templates for how we experience safety and danger today, so you can try these journal prompts:

• When is the first time I remember feeling this same type of anxiety?

• Whose voice does my inner critic or anxious voice sound like? Does it echo a parent, older sibling, another caregiver, a teacher?

• How did my caregivers respond when I was distressed, scared or angry as a child? How might I be repeating that same response to myself as an adult?

Defense Mechanisms
On an unconscious level, our symptoms sometimes serve a hidden purpose--such as keeping us safe from failure, rejection or intimacy:

• How does my anxiety unconsciously protect me? If my anxiety makes me want to stay home, avoid people or over-prepare, what is my anxiety shielding me from feeling?

• What would I have to face or acknowledge if this anxiety suddenly vanished?

• Am I choosing the familiar discomfort of anxiety over the terrifying uncertainty of personal growth? What am I afraid would happen if I step outside this cycle? 

The Shadow of Unconscious Conflicts

The following prompts explore "Shadow Work" which includes the parts of your identity you have suppressed or rejected so you could to fit in:

• What part of myself am I currently judging or rejecting? How might that part be related to my internal conflict?

• If my anxiety were a separate person living inside of me, what would be its hidden motives or deepest desires? What is it trying to tell me? (see my article: How Does IFS Parts Work Therapy Treat Anxiety?).

• Write about a dream that left you feeling anxious (see my article: What Are Anxiety Dreams?). What do the people, symbols and locations in that dream represent to your inner self? 

Get Help in Therapy

Getting past the defense mechanisms that keep you from understanding your anxiety can be difficult to do on your own.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced psychotherapist who has an expertise in getting to underlying unconscious issues.

Getting to the root of your problems can help you to lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and advanced practitioner specializing in IFS Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, EMDR, and EFT Couples Therapy and Sex Therapy.

I provide depth-oriented, experiential therapy to help individual adults and couples move past internal blockages into authentic relational alignment.

To learn more about my clinical background, clinical philosophy, and healing approach, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

• Office Location: I see clients in-person at my Greenwich Village office (New York, NY 10011) as well as online via secure telehealth.
• Initial Contact: I provide a complimentary 15-minute introductory phone call prior to scheduling an initial appointment.
• Contact Information: You can reach me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

Anxiety Can Be a Signal You Are Suppressing Deeper Emotions 

What is Avoidance Coping and How Is It Related to Anxiety?

Living With Uncertainty 

Embracing Your Shadow Self

 

Self Help Journal Prompts to Cope With Anxiety

Journaling is a highly effective, science-backed self-help tool for coping with anxiety.

Using a journal can help reduce racing thoughts, anxious cycles, cognitive load, racing thoughts and anxious cycles (see my article: Journaling to Help Relieve Stress and Anxiety).

Externalizing the noise: Journaling acts as a somatic release valve, allowing an anxious mind to transfer mental clutter onto the page and down-regulate the nervous system.

When anxiety feels overwhelming, writing in your journal helps to externalize your thoughts and feelings so you can look at them objectively.

Journal Prompts For Grounding Yourself in the Moment

You can use the following journal prompts when your anxiety is acute and you feel overwhelmed:

Grounding in the Moment Relief 

Use these prompts when anxiety is acute: 

• Where do I feel the anxiety in my body right now? Write down the physical sensations (e.g., tight chest, clenched jaw) without judging them. What is one thing you can do that would help you to soften your physical sensations (e.g., square breathing)?

• Look around the room: List 5 things you see, 4 things you can physically touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell and 1 thing you can taste (this is the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Method).

• Describe anxiety as a passing weather pattern: Describe the storm, but remind yourself the sky remains intact beneath the clouds.

Challenging Your Anxious Thoughts

Use these prompts to challenge irrational fears and worst case scenarios:

• What is the worst case scenario going through my mind? After you have written down your worse case scenario, write down the best case scenario and the realistic middle-ground outcome.

• Am I confusing my fearful thoughts for facts? Write down observable evidence for and against this worry (see my article: Thoughts Aren't Facts).

• Look back on past challenges: When have I felt this anxious before and still managed to survive or get through it? What helped me to get through it back then?

• Are my thoughts productive or unproductive? Am I actively problem solving or am I overthinking things?

Identifying Triggers and Patterns

Use these prompts when you feel low-level anxiety and you're not sure where its coming from:

• Divide a page into two columns: "In My Control" and "Out of My Control" and then categorize your worries into these two buckets.

• What story is my anxious mind trying to tell me? Who is the villain in that story and what am I trying to protect myself from? 

• What have my energy levels, sleep habits and routines looked like over the past week? Are there physical triggers compounding my mental stress?

• When was the last time I felt safe, calm or content? Specifically, what made me feel that way and how can I recreate that today?

Developing Self Compassion and Healing

Use these prompts when your anxiety is paired with a harsh inner critic, guilt or perfectionism:

• If my best friend came to me feeling the same way I feel now, what would I say to them? Write down the comforting words for yourself.

• Write a letter to your anxiety. Treat your anxiety like an overprotective, deeply misguided entity. Acknowledge its intent to keep you safe, but tell it why its panic is no longer needed right now. 

• What would unconditional self acceptance look like today? How can I give myself permission to be a flawed, anxious, healing human being?

My Next Article: 

In my next article, I'll discuss how to develop a deeper understanding of your anxiety and the underlying issues that might be involved.

Get Help in Therapy

If self-help strategies aren't helping you to cope with your anxiety, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to go beyond the surface to overcome anxiety.

Rather than struggling on your own, working with a skilled psychotherapist can help you overcome anxiety so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, Hypnotherapist, and advanced practitioner specializing in IFS Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, EMDR, EFT Couples Therapy and Sex Therapy. 

I provide depth-oriented, experiential therapy to help individual adults and couples move past obstacles into authentic relational alignment.

To learn more about my clinical background, clinical philosophy, and healing approach, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

• Office Location: I see clients in-person at my Greenwich Village office (New York, NY 10011) as well as online via secure telehealth.
• Initial Contact: I provide a complimentary 15-minute introductory phone call prior to scheduling an initial appointment.
• Contact Information: You can reach me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is the Difference Between Anxiety and Fear? 

Debunking Common Myths About Anxiety 

How to Quiet Your Overthinking Mind

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

The term ambiguous loss was coined by Dr. Pauline Boss in the 1970s. She is an internationally-recognized American educator, researcher and family therapist.

She has written a few books on the topic of ambiguous loss:

• Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live With Unresolved Grief

• Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping With Stress and Grief

• The Myth of Closure

What is Ambiguous Loss?

Ambiguous loss is defined as a loss that lacks closure or a clear understanding. 

Dr. Boss classified two types:

• Physically Absent But Psychologically Present: A loved one is gone physically but remains present in the minds and hearts of family and friends (e.g., a missing person, estrangement, giving up a baby for adoption, separation). The experience is: Gone but no certainty if they are alive or dead, which often leads to a search for answers.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

• Physically Present But Psychologically Absent: In this type of loss a person is physically present but they are emotionally or cognitively absent (e.g., dementia/Alzheimers; traumatic brain injury; chronic depression; an intense preoccupation with work, technology, etc.) The experience: "Here but not here" which leads to grief for what is missing.

Ambiguous loss is considered the most stressful loss because it usually doesn't allow for typical grieving rituals and closure.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

Coping with ambiguous loss involves accepting that complete closure may not be possible.

Strategies for coping include:

• Finding Meaning: Acknowledging the ambiguity and that the situation is not within your control but finding personal meaning for yourself

• Balancing Emotions: Managing the tension between hoping for a return/recovery and accepting the current reality

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

• Seeking Support: Utilizing therapy or a support group for emotional support and to validate your experience

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how someone can cope with the ambiguous loss of a loved one being physically present but psychologically absent:

Gina

When Gina's mother, Ann, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, Gina felt crushed. Her mother had always been an intelligent, active and loving person who held a responsible job as a hospital administrator for many years before she retired.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

Several years after Ann retired, she complained to Gina that she was getting forgetful and confused. When Gina discussed this with her brother and sister, they decided to take their mother to a neurologist to get evaluated. That's when they were told that their mother was in the middle stage of Alzheimer's.

The neurologist provided them with resources for their mother and support groups for them, including the Alzheimer's Association. 

They talked about the diagnosis as a family and realized they had different views. Gina and her sister felt their mother should be told because they knew she would want to know what was happening to her and be part of the planning. However, their brother, who was the eldest, said their mother would only get upset if she knew so she shouldn't be told.

After going back and forth about this decision for several weeks, the brother relented and said he would go along with what Gina and her sister thought was best.

When they told Ann, they weren't surprised to hear that she already had a feeling that she might have Alzheimer's because her mother and maternal grandmother had it (although people don't always inherit Alzheimer's).

Knowing that she would decline over time, Ann was very sad, but she was also a practical person. She asked her children to arrange for visits with a geriatric social worker and an elder care attorney to advise them.

Gina and her siblings each had different reactions. Gina's brother tended to be stoic and he didn't want to discuss his feelings. Gina and her sister supported each other in their grief. They talked frequently. They also joined an online Alzheimer's support group and felt relieved to hear that other adult children were going through the same emotional ups and downs as they were experiencing.

Gina also sought help in individual therapy because she wanted the privacy to talk about things she didn't feel comfortable talking about in the support group.

She told her therapist that she had always relied on her mother for emotional support and advice whenever she had to make big decisions and the thought of not being able to do that made her feel tremendous grief.

As her mother declined, Gina's therapist recommended that she work on a family photo album with her mother. So, Gina gathered together the loose family photos her mother kept in a box, bought a photo album and went through the pictures with her mother as they placed the pictures in the album.

She and her mother laughed and reminisced about the events in the photos for hours. Her mother told her she hadn't thought about some of the people and events in the photos for a long time.

They also listened to some of her mother's favorite music which she enjoyed when she was younger. This also stimulated certain memories for her mother.

While her mother was still able to garden, Gina's sister and Ann spent time planting in the mother's garden, which they both found relaxing.

Gina's brother took Ann for walks around the neighborhood and pointed out places that Ann knew from years ago. 

Although the medication the neurologist prescribed helped to slow Ann's decline, eventually, Ann could no longer be maintained at home with a home health aide, and Gina and her siblings had to make tough decisions.

At that point, their mother had declined so much that she only remembered her children intermittently. She was also frequently agitated, which was so different from how Gina and her siblings had always known Ann to be prior to the onset of Alzheimer's.

Gina and her sister wanted to explore nursing homes, but their brother refused to even consider the idea. The thought of putting their mother in a facility was beyond what he could bear. So, he decided to take time off from work and, with the help of an aide, took care of Ann full time.

He soon discovered how exhausting this was--even with Gina and her sister relieving him for a few days out of the week and the help of a home health aide.

When Gina's brother needed to return to work, they spoke with the geriatric social worker who helped them to find facilities that were suitable for their mother. They visited several places, which were good but left each of them feeling very sad.  These facilities had memory units to help patients with dementia and Alzheimer's, patients were well taken care of, but the sight of many elderly impaired patients was upsetting.

At that point, Ann was no longer able to make decisions for herself. Gina and her siblings had already consulted with an elder care attorney to establish a durable power of attorney with Gina in charge. Then, they chose a facility close to where they all lived so they could visit Ann frequently.

At each stage of her mother's decline, Gina felt, at times, that her sadness and grief were unbearable. But she continued to discuss her feelings with her therapist and in the Alzheimer's support group because this was unlike any loss she had ever experienced before.

Over time, even though she felt tremendous sadness and grief, she accepted she couldn't control what was happening to her mother. 

There were some days when her mother seemed content to be participating in activities at the facility and other days when Ann glared at Gina and her other children and said, "Why did you put me here?"

Every time Gina felt she had come to accept her mother's condition, she had to contend with the next stage of her mother's decline. 

Gina's friends, who had older parents who were still functioning well, seemed to want to avoid talking to Gina about how she felt. Gina felt frustrated about this, but she understood that they had their own fears for what might eventually happen to their parents.

In addition to therapy and the Alzheimer's support group, Gina also felt some comfort in journaling. 

After her mother died, Gina felt a mixture of sadness, grief and relief that her mother was no longer suffering. 

She told her therapist she felt guilty that she felt relief and her therapist normalized what Gina was experiencing. She told Gina that it's common for adult children to experience a mixture of emotions including relief.

Gina learned to accept that her grief and sadness would come in waves so that she could feel better for a period of time but, seemingly out of nowhere, she felt tremendous sadness.

Over time, Gina learned to live with her grief. There were even days when she felt hopeful and grateful for what she had in her life. 

She also volunteered to be a peer group leader with the Alzheimer's support group so she could help others to deal with their loss and provide them with a sense of hope.

Conclusion

There are two types of ambiguous loss. I focused on the physically present but psychologically absent because this type of loss isn't addressed as often as the physically absent but psychologically present.

The vignette presented a daughter with a mother who had Alzheimer's. This type of loss could also involve someone coping with a sick or cognitively impaired spouse.

Coping With Ambiguous Loss

Both types of ambiguous loss are difficult, but with help there is hope.

Getting Help in Therapy

Loved ones can be well-meaning but often say and do things that are unsupportive.

A licensed mental health professional, who has an expertise with helping clients to cope with ambiguous loss, can help you to navigate the stages of loss.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a qualified mental health professional so you can learn to cope with ambiguous loss.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years with grief, loss, trauma and many other issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles

The Challenges of the "Sandwich Generation": Raising Children and Taking Care of Elderly Parents

Coping With the Loss of Loved Ones - Common Reactions 

The Many Layers of Grief 

You Continue to Have an Internal Relationship With Your Parents After They Have Died

Coping With the Loss of a Pet

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

Often, along with the joy of the holiday season also comes stress.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

It's not surprising, given all the demands of holiday time, that people often feel emotionally overwhelmed at this time of year.

Shopping, entertaining, and attending holiday parties can take an emotional toll. But with some foresight and planning, you can learn to manage the stress of the holidays and actually enjoy this time of year.

Taking Care of Yourself During the Holidays

Knowing that the holiday season can be a stressful and emotional time and taking some preventive steps can help you from getting overwhelmed.

If you've had losses, like a death of a loved one, a breakup or loved ones are far away, it's normal to feel sad. Throughout the holiday season we're given explicit and implicit messages that we "should" be happy.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

So, if we're having a difficult time, we can feel out of step with the rest of the world at this time. It might seem that everyone else is enjoying the holidays and we're stuck in a funk. But it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they are, whether this means crying or expressing your feelings to a friend or loved one.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays: Taking Care of Yourself 

A Time for Gratitude

If you're alone during the holiday season, you can have a sense of community at a religious or community gathering.

If you're not religious or spiritual, you can volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, hospital or nursing home. Often, when we volunteer to help those less fortunate than ourselves, we not only help others--we also feel a sense of gratitude for what we do have in our lives, even if we're having a difficult time.

If you're fortunate enough to have good friends and family around, remember that the holidays don't have to be perfect.

When we have good memories of the holidays from childhood, sometimes our current experiences can feel flat as compared to those earlier times.

But we must acknowledge that things change. Rather than holding onto unrealistic expectations for the holidays, appreciate the people who are in your life now. Let go of unreasonable expectations of yourself and others. This will go a long way to helping prevent disappointments or misunderstandings.

When it comes to spending for the holidays, many people are scaling back what they would normally spend. If you budget ahead of time and stick to your budget, you'll avoid the stress of big credit card bills after the holidays.

Time well spent with loved ones or a homemade gift is so much more meaningful than exceeding your budget with an expensive gift.

Planning your time well can also help alleviate stress during the holidays. Once again, be realistic about what you can do. It's okay to tactfully say "no" to others when you know you'll be overextending yourself beyond what you can do.

Know Your Limits

It's also important to take breathers during the holiday season. Rather than pushing yourself beyond your physical or emotional limits, take breaks during the day.

A few minutes of mindfulness meditation or just closing your eyes and breathing can make the difference between your getting through the holidays feeling emotionally and physically in tact and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing therapy services in my private practice in Manhattan. I work with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Strategies For Coping With Post Election Stress

Many people are under a lot of stress during this post election time (see my article: Developing Calmness and Balance During Stressful Times).

Coping with Post Election Stress

Fear and anxiety are running high and many people don't know how to cope with their emotions. 

This is especially true for people who feel the future is very uncertain and there's nothing they can do about it (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

The purpose of this article is to provide suggestions which can help you to get through this difficult time.

Strategies For Coping With Post Election Fear and Anxiety

• Acknowledge and Accept How You Feel Right Now: The first step to coping with any uncomfortable feelings is to acknowledge and accept that this is how you're feeling right now rather than denying it or trying to push down your feelings. Also, be aware that how you feel right now might not be how you feel over time, especially if you take steps to take care of yourself.

Coping with Post Election Stress: Accept Your Feelings

• Know You're Not Alone: When you're feeling anxious and fearful, you might feel like you're alone--even though you know rationally that there are millions of people who feel the same way. But you're not alone. (see my article: Steps to Overcome Loneliness).

• Seek Connection With Like-Minded People: Instead of isolating, seek connection with others who have similar feelings. There is comfort in knowing you're not alone with your anxiety and fear. Talking with others who feel as you do can help, especially if your conversations lead to new ways of coping and taking action for yourself and others.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Seek Connection

• Take Care of Yourself: Eating nutritious meals, getting good sleep, exercising at a level that's right for you and taking care of your mental health are all important, especially when you're under stress (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

• Take Part in Enjoyable Activities: Whether you enjoy walks in the park, getting together with friends and family or engaging in activities that uplift you, make the time for these activities.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Enjoy Activities

• Take Breaks From the News: It's important to be well informed, but watching hours and hours of broadcast news can make you feel even more anxious, so taking breaks from the news is important.

Coping With Post Election Stress: Volunteer

• Volunteer With Advocacy Groups: Volunteering is a way to feel less isolated. Volunteering can also help to reduce your feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and apathy. There are plenty of groups, including climate change groups, groups to preserve democracy, women's rights groups, LGBTQ groups and other advocacy groups that can use your help and help you to feel like you're making a difference (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Isolation).

Coping With Post Election Stress: Seek Help From a Psychotherapist

• Get Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: If you feel you're struggling with fear, anxiety or depression and self help strategies aren't helping you, seek help from a licensed mental health professional. A skilled psychotherapist can provide you with the tools and strategies you need to achieve calm and balance in your life (see my article: Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

With over 25 years of experience as a psychotherapist, I have helped many clients to overcome fear, anxiety and unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?)

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email.

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

In my prior article about improving communication in a relationship, What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing? , I focused on a common problem that many couples have when they argue, which is criticizing their partner's personality or character instead of complaining about a particular action or behavior (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

In the current article, I'm focusing on another common problem: "kitchen sinking."

What is "Kitchen Sinking" in a Relationship?

"Kitchen sinking" involves bringing up unrelated issues or past grievances when a couple is arguing about a particular issue.

Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

Metaphorically, "kitchen sinking" refers to when one or both partners throw everything at each other except the kitchen sink. 

An Example of "Kitchen Sinking"

Betty (sounding frustrated): "I felt disappointed when I woke up this morning and found the same dirty dishes in the sink you said you would wash.  We talked about the ant problem and how important it is not to leave dirty dishes in the sink because we just got over an infestation."

Ray (defensively): "Yeah, well, you're not perfect either. Last week you forgot to make a payment on our credit card and we were charged interest."

Betty (annoyed): "What does that have to do with the dishes in the sink? Can we stick to that topic?"

Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

Ray (defensively): If you're going to complain to me about something I didn't do, I'm going to complain about something you didn't do. Not only that--we agreed that you would take care of making travel arrangements for our trip that's coming up in two months and you haven't done that either. You also didn't get an estimate from the electrician yet. And don't think I forgot about how you kept me waiting at the restaurant for 20 minutes last month."

Betty (even more frustrated): "I don't know why you're bringing up all these other things that we've already discussed? And you know I already apologized for keeping you waiting last month and you accepted my apology. Why do you keep bringing up all these unrelated things?"

Ray (as he's walking out the door): "Oh forget it! I can't talk to you. I'm going to see my friend, Mike. Don't wait up for me."

Betty (exasperated as she watches Ray walk out the door): "I'm so overwhelmed and tired of these arguments" (referring to ongoing arguments where Ray has a tendency to "kitchen sink" her).

Why is "Kitchen Sinking" a Problem?

The problems with "kitchen sinking" includes:

• Diverting attention away from the current problem
• Cluttering the current topic with a list of unrelated problems
• Muddling the current topic
• Escalating the discussion from a complaint to criticism
• Making it difficult to get back to the original problem
• Making it difficult to resolve the original problem
• Creating resentment and frustration
• Creating stress and emotional overwhelm

In the example above, Betty starts the conversation with a complaint about Ray's behavior when she expresses her disappointment that he didn't follow through on their agreement that he would wash the dishes.

Note that she's using an "I message" about how she feels and she's not criticizing his personality or character. Her complaint is specific regarding his behavior (or in this case about something he agreed to do and didn't).  

She also referred to why it was important to wash the dishes because it's connected to a problem they're trying to avoid, which is a reoccurrence of an infestation of ants.

Ray, who felt defensive about not doing what he said he would do, chose to respond by criticizing Betty when he told her she's "not perfect." 

Consciously or unconsciously, he's hoping to divert the discussion away from his behavior to Betty's character ("not perfect") and a list of unrelated grievances he has against her, including her lateness from last month after he already accepted her apology and, supposedly, forgiven her for being late.

How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

The following suggestions could help you and your partner if one or both of you have a tendency to engage in "kitchen sinking":

• Regulate Your Emotions: If you know you have a tend to fly off the handle, get defensive and divert discussions from the topic at hand to unrelated topics, learn to regulate your emotions by:

• Slowing down

• Recognizing and learning to cope with your triggers

• Using effective strategies to cope with heated discussions with your partner

• Focusing on the present moment and the current problem

• Taking a break if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, but do so by having an agreement with your partner beforehand about when you'll resume the discussion at a mutually agreed upon time. Then, follow through with that agreement by getting back to the discussion after you have calmed down.

• Be Intentional: Before you and your partner engage in a discussion, agree to what you'll both be discussing and then stick to that topic.  Avoid criticizing or bringing up unrelated topics. Communicate with "I" messages ("I feel guilty that I didn't do what I said I would do").

• Take Responsibility: Instead of trying to divert the discussion into unrelated areas, take responsibility if you know you made a mistake. This can help to avoid long drawn out arguments. And, if you're the partner who is complaining, practice compassion and forgiveness, when appropriate, especially if the problem is relatively minor.

Focus on Problems as a Team

• Focus on the Problem as a Team: Instead of criticizing and blaming each other, focus on resolving the problem together as a team.

Get Help in Therapy

When "kitchen sinking" has become an ingrained pattern for a couple, it often becomes part of a negative cycle in a relationship (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples).

If you and your partner have been unable to improve your communication on your own, you could benefit from working with a couples therapist who knows how to help couples to overcome communication problems.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop the skills and strategies you need to improve your communication so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to communicate more effectively in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW.- NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.