Coping With Stress During the Holidays

Often, along with the joy of the holiday season also comes stress.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

It's not surprising, given all the demands of holiday time, that people often feel emotionally overwhelmed at this time of year.

Shopping, entertaining, and attending holiday parties can take an emotional toll. But with some foresight and planning, you can learn to manage the stress of the holidays and actually enjoy this time of year.

Taking Care of Yourself During the Holidays

Knowing that the holiday season can be a stressful and emotional time and taking some preventive steps can help you from getting overwhelmed.

If you've had losses, like a death of a loved one, a breakup or loved ones are far away, it's normal to feel sad. Throughout the holiday season we're given explicit and implicit messages that we "should" be happy.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays

So, if we're having a difficult time, we can feel out of step with the rest of the world at this time. It might seem that everyone else is enjoying the holidays and we're stuck in a funk. But it's okay to feel your feelings, whatever they are, whether this means crying or expressing your feelings to a friend or loved one.

Coping With Stress During the Holidays: Taking Care of Yourself 

A Time for Gratitude

If you're alone during the holiday season, you can have a sense of community at a religious or community gathering.

If you're not religious or spiritual, you can volunteer your time at a soup kitchen, hospital or nursing home. Often, when we volunteer to help those less fortunate than ourselves, we not only help others--we also feel a sense of gratitude for what we do have in our lives, even if we're having a difficult time.

If you're fortunate enough to have good friends and family around, remember that the holidays don't have to be perfect.

When we have good memories of the holidays from childhood, sometimes our current experiences can feel flat as compared to those earlier times.

But we must acknowledge that things change. Rather than holding onto unrealistic expectations for the holidays, appreciate the people who are in your life now. Let go of unreasonable expectations of yourself and others. This will go a long way to helping prevent disappointments or misunderstandings.

When it comes to spending for the holidays, many people are scaling back what they would normally spend. If you budget ahead of time and stick to your budget, you'll avoid the stress of big credit card bills after the holidays.

Time well spent with loved ones or a homemade gift is so much more meaningful than exceeding your budget with an expensive gift.

Planning your time well can also help alleviate stress during the holidays. Once again, be realistic about what you can do. It's okay to tactfully say "no" to others when you know you'll be overextending yourself beyond what you can do.

Know Your Limits

It's also important to take breathers during the holiday season. Rather than pushing yourself beyond your physical or emotional limits, take breaks during the day.

A few minutes of mindfulness meditation or just closing your eyes and breathing can make the difference between your getting through the holidays feeling emotionally and physically in tact and feeling overwhelmed and stressed out.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist. 

I provide psychotherapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing therapy services in my private practice in Manhattan. I work with individuals and adults.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Cope With Getting Emotionally Triggered During Family Visits

In an earlier article,  How to Cope With Difficult Family Visits, I discussed coping strategies to deal with difficult family get-togethers.  In this article, I'm focusing specifically on how to cope with getting emotionally triggered during family visits (see my articles: Overcoming Dysfunctional Ways of Relating in Your Family, Regressing to Feeling Like a Child Again During Family Visits and Learning to Develop Healthy Boundaries Within an Enmeshed Family).

How to Cope With Getting Emotionally Triggered During Family Visits

When there's a long history of dysfunction in a family, family visits can be fraught with problems, especially if you're not prepared for emotional triggers.

Have you ever wondered why you're able to overlook an unpleasant comment that an acquaintance makes, but if a family members makes the same comment, you have a different emotional reaction?

The answer is that you're not as emotionally invested with an acquaintance as you are with family members.  Also, there's probably not a long history between you and the acquaintance, whereas with your family, you've probably experienced similar problems.

Fictional Vignette:  Getting Emotionally Triggered During a Family Visit

Cindy
Cindy loved her family, but she usually found going home for family visits difficult.

Whenever she went home, Cindy experienced her family and herself falling into old dysfunctional patterns that she disliked.

How to Cope With Getting Emotionally Triggered During Family Visits

Although she knew that her mother loved her, she often made comments about Cindy's weight, which was a longstanding sensitive issue for Cindy.

This was an old pattern with her mother, and no matter how many times Cindy told her mother that her comments weren't helpful, her mother would insist that she was "trying to be helpful."

There just seemed to be no getting through to her mother, and her mother's comments would usually lead to an argument between Cindy and her mother.

Her father, who knew that Cindy wasn't in a relationship, would usually ask Cindy, "So how's your love life going?"

Then, when Cindy told him that she was seeing anyone, he would express concern and ask her why she was dating anyone, which infuriated her.

Cindy's brother earned a lot of money as a corporate attorney, and he tended to look down on Cindy's job as a Legal Aid attorney.  He also made disparaging remarks about her salary and her clients, which annoyed Cindy.  She felt that he was trying to make her feel ashamed, and they would frequently argue.

After yet another family visit where Cindy argued with her mother, father and brother, Cindy decided to get help in therapy.

She knew that these were old familial patterns, and she wasn't going to change her family, but she hoped to change her own reactions to them (see my article: You Can't Change the Past, But You Can Change How the Past Affects You).

Over time, Cindy and her therapist worked on the underling issues that got triggered for Cindy when she went to see her family.

Using a combination of EMDR Therapy and Somatic Experiencing, they were able to gradually work through these triggers so they no longer affected her.

Cindy also learned how to set limits with her family in a gentle and tactful way.

The real test of what she accomplished in therapy occurred during her next family visit when, as usual, her family made the same remarks that usually triggered Cindy.

To her surprise, Cindy discovered that while she was disappointed that they were going down the same path as usual, she didn't have an emotional reaction.  Instead, she felt that these were their issues and they didn't concern her.

Suggestions on How to Cope With Getting Triggered During Family Visits

• Prepare yourself mentally before you go so you're not caught off guard.  While you might not be able to prepare for every comment or slight, if you know that you tend to get triggered, take care of yourself beforehand by engaging in self care (see my articles:  Learning to Relax: Going on an Internal Retreat and Self Care: Feeling Entitled to Take Care of Yourself).

• Be aware that whatever your family members might say or do, they don't define you.  They might have different opinions about what you "should" or "shouldn't" being doing.  But, as an adult, you get to make your own choices.

• "Bookend" your visit with calls to supportive friends both before and after (and possibly during) your family visit so you don't feel alone.  Emotional support during a family visit can make all the difference.

• Take breaks while you're with your family.  You don't have to be with them 24/7 during your visit.  If you plan breaks where you go out for a walk, it gives both them and you a break and a way to "reset" so you can regulate yourself emotionally.

• Maintain appropriate boundaries with family members in a tactful manner so that if they attempt to cross a sensitive boundary with you, you can set limits with them.

Getting Help in Therapy
When you get emotionally triggered, this is usually a sign that you have unresolved emotional issues that need to get worked through (see my article:The Benefits of Psychotherapy and Expanding Your Window of Tolerance in Therapy to Overcome Emotional Problems).

Working with a skilled psychotherapist, you can work through these unresolved issues so that you're not constantly getting triggered by the same situations (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you find yourself continually getting triggered with your family, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through unresolved trauma so they are no longer triggered in familiar situations.  

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Cope With Difficult Family Get-Togethers

Many people become anxious when they have to attend family get-togethers because these get-togethers can become contentious.  Your family members and you can lapse into old dysfunctional patterns especially if there's a long history of dysfunction in the family  (see my article: Regressing to Feeling Like a Child Again During Family Visits,  Overcoming Dysfunctional Ways of Relating in Your Family and Learn to Develop Healthy Boundaries With an Enmeshed Family).

How to Cope With Difficult Family Get-Togethers 

Family get-togethers are "supposed to be" joyous occasions where family members share a meal and talk happily over the dinner table.  

But the reality is that in many families there is often a lot of tension and pressure, especially if there's a long history of conflict among family members.

When there's tension and pressure, most family members walk on eggshells trying not to say or do anything that might start an argument.

There might also be a big disconnect between how you would like your family to be and how they are, leaving you feeling very disappointed.

It's possible that  everyone will come together and have a genuinely good time, which would be great.

But if you know your family has a history of conflicts and that the strain of a family get-together puts everyone on edge, you'll need to change your expectations about what's possible (see my article: Holiday Time With Your Family: Balancing Your Expectations).

Tips For Dealing With Difficult Family Get-Togethers:

• Practice self care before you go see your family (see my article: Stress Management: Creating Quiet Time For Yourself, Learn to Relax: Square Breathing and Take Time For Self Care).

• Change your expectations (as previously mentioned).  You might want your family to be like "The Waltons" or like an episode of "Father Knows Best," but your desire alone won't change your family dynamics.

• Don't try to "fix" your family members.  Accept that they are who they are and it's not your responsibility to try to "improve" them.  This will go a long way to avoiding arguments.

• Avoid topics that could start arguments, like politics or religion.  

• Keep the conversation light, if possible.

• Try to gently and tactfully change the topic if a family member brings up a contentious topic.

How to Cope With Difficult Family Get-Togethers

• Don't try to settle family scores at the family get-together, especially if it's a holiday.  This isn't the time or place for this.

• Volunteer to help out, which could decrease the tension about things that need to get done.

• Try to be patient with family members who annoy you, like relatives who don't pitch in with cooking, cleaning or taking care of the children or people who tend to complain a lot.

• Take a break, if you need one, by going for a walk if things become too tense for you or, if you can't leave the house, go to the bathroom, splash cold water on your face and take a couple of deep breaths before you reengage with your family. 

• Try to shift your perspective about family members to try to find something positive, if possible  (there's an old saying, "Even a broken clock tells the right time twice a day").  Usually, things aren't all bad.

• Ask yourself if your anticipation of a contentious time might be clouding your perception of what good there might be.

• Ask yourself how you might be contributing to the negative environment.

• Keep your perspective.  Remember, even if things go very wrong, that nothing lasts forever and the visit is time limited, so it will soon be over.  You will survive.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me. 

Feeling Empowered to Create a Joyful Holiday

During the holiday season, many people think about the childhood holidays they had with their families, which were disappointing.  As a adults, they look back on those times and feel sad as the holidays approach.

Usually, when clients talk about this in their therapy sessions with me, I remind them that, as children, there wasn't much they could do about miserable holidays because the adults were in charge.  But now, as adults, they have the power to create their own joyful holidays and their own traditions.  They're no longer dependent upon the adults to create the holiday occasion.  They can now use their own creativity to create the holiday they want.

Feeling Empowered to Create a Joyful Holiday

If spending time with your family of origin during the holidays is difficult, why not create your own holiday traditions with your family of choice--possibly, your significant other and your friends?

Developing your own holiday traditions and rituals can be fun as you use your imagination and creativity to have the kind of holiday that you desire.

I know people who consider their new holiday traditions with their spouses and friends to be their "real holiday" as opposed to their visits with their families.  Exchanging gifts, Christmas tree trimming, or Christmas caroling in their neighborhoods are among the traditions that they've incorporated with the people that they enjoy being with on the holidays.

Of course, there are many people who enjoy being with their families.  Not everyone had disappointing holidays.  But if you're someone who dreads the holidays because it brings up sad memories, remember that you're now empowered, as an adult, to create the kind of holiday that you want.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


photo credit: andrihilary via photopin cc

Holiday Time With Your Family: Balancing Your Expectations

We often get disappointed when we have expectations from our loved ones, especially around the holidays, about what we want and they might not want.  More often than not, if we try to impose our expectations on our loved ones, it's a recipe for disappointment and resentment.  Sometimes, we need to temper our expectations to be more flexible, recognizing that we can't change other people to make them do what we want them to do.

Holiday Time:  Can You and Your Loved Ones Balance Your Expectations?

New York Times Modern Love Article:  "A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents"
An article by Carolyn S. Briggs in yesterday's New York Times' Modern Love column caught my attention called "A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents" (a link to this article is provided at the end of this blog post).  She describes how she was disappointed last year when her adult children had a very different view of the Christmas holiday than she did.  Whereas she wanted a more traditional Christmas holiday, her children felt it was more of a "consumerist sham" of a holiday.

Ms. Briggs says she had hoped that they would all fill their Christmas stockings with messages of love and appreciation for each other, but her children weren't interested in this, which was very disappointing to her.

Ms. Briggs  also discusses how she was disappointed when she was younger during the time when her parents were divorcing.  She says that she and her brother pooled their money and bought and decorated their own tree because there was no tree that year.  In hindsight, she says she doesn't want to guilt her children into doing what they don't want to do on Christmas.  She has changed her expectations of what Christmas will be like with her family this year.

It's not unusual for adults to want to make up for what they didn't get as children.  There's something very sad about two children having to provide their own Christmas tree because the adults are preoccupied with their own problems.   Yet, we can't expect that, as adults, we'll always be able to make up for what we didn't get as children, especially when the experience involves other people, who might not want to go along with it now.

As I read Ms. Briggs' article, I couldn't help thinking about when I was a young adult and I had similar ideas to her children.

Coming from a very traditional family, when I was in my late teens and early 20s, I rebelled against these traditions and also felt that Christmas was all about consumerism.

But, as I was reading this article, I realized that my feelings have changed since then and I can now appreciate the holiday spirit.  I'm not cynical about the holidays, the way I used to be when I was a young adult.  My feeling is that, regardless of the consumerism, we can make the holiday whatever we want it to be.  We're not at the mercy of consumerism.

Reading this article, I looked back on myself as a young adult and thought about the times that I  must have disappointed my family when I didn't want to go along with tradition.  As I read the article, I could see both sides--Ms. Briggs' disappointment last year and her children's resistance.

As a therapist, I know that late teens and early 20s is an important time for young adults to develop their own ideas and become separate individuals from their families.  Seeing it from that vantage point, one could see why they wouldn't acquiesce to her wishes.

And yet, as someone who is a middle-aged woman now, I couldn't help wishing that Ms. Briggs' adult children had cooperated a little more--not because they believed in these Christmas traditions, but because they knew how important it was to her.

Is There a Way to Balance Our Own and Our Loved Ones' Expectations?
Could there have been some compromise?  I don't know.  Reasonable people could disagree.   This isn't a black and white issue.

But maybe the view that there might have been a compromise comes with age and life experience.  I couldn't have taken this view when I was younger.

When you're  a young adult, you're struggling to establish your own autonomy, which sometimes means having different feelings and opinions from your family.   When you're older and you're on your own, you have less to prove, and I think you can afford emotionally to be more generous.

In the end, I think Ms. Briggs came to the right conclusion--that even if your family doesn't experience the holiday in the same way that you would like as a parent, the most important thing is that you're together.

Wishing Everyone a Happy and Healthy Holiday.

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents
By Carolyn S. Briggs - 12/23/12 - NY Times - Modern Love

Psychotherapy and Spirituality

Searching for Meaning and Purpose
During this holiday season, amid the noise and haste, it's the time of year when many people search for meaning and purpose in their lives . Some people approach these questions through their spiritual practice. Others consult with psychotherapists. And many use both their spiritual practice and their psychotherapy sessions to explore these important questions. Psychotherapy and spirituality approach these existential questions in different ways . And yet, there is significant overlap between psychotherapy and spiritual questions.

Psychotherapy and Spirituality

People usually go to psychotherapists when they're in emotional pain. It might be an immediate crisis, a longstanding problem, grief, loss or trauma that brings them to a psychotherapist office. Whatever the initial problem might be, often, questions about the meaning and purpose of their lives becomes a part of the treatment. Most people want to feel they're leading meaningful lives, and when they're in emotional crisis, doubts and fears can arise about the direction of their lives. If they're in a particularly difficult life transition, they might question their goals and priorities. The loss of a loved one can test their faith in themselves, humankind, and their God or Higher Power.

Psychotherapy and spirituality both address these issues. As a psychotherapist, I help clients to navigate through these complex and vital questions. As I see it, part of the psychotherapist's job is to help clients to search for and find meaning in their lives. Just living from day to day without purpose or meaning isn't satisfying for most people. Yet, finding purpose and meaning can be elusive. Although emotional crisis can throw us off balance, it can also open us up to new possibilities, including transitions that help us define who we are as individuals and who we want to be.

When I refer to spirituality, I use that term in its broadest sense. For some people, spirituality means a formal religion. For others, it might be the sense of transcendence they feel in nature, music, art, their A.A. meetings or the love they feel for their families or for humankind. However you define spirituality, what all of these things have in common is they give us a sense that there's something greater than ourselves that we're responding to and from which we feel nurtured.

A Purpose-Filled Life

As I see it, it doesn't matter how each of us defines our particular spirituality because, however we see it, the root of it is the same. A purpose-filled life is a life with meaning, hope and direction. It provides us with an internal compass to help us during troubled times. As a psychotherapist, I often help people to find or reclaim their purpose in life. Many clients come to me to explore transpersonal questions in their lives. For some, they're searching for a way to express their yearning for spirituality that might be different from what they might have grown up with as children. Or, they might want to reclaim the spirituality they grew up with, but explore their beliefs as adults with an adult understanding to spiritual questions. As a psychotherapist who is not a minister or spiritual leader, my job isn't to lead them in any particular spiritual direction. Rather, my job as a psychotherapist, is to help them to find the answers within themselves, whatever they might be.

During the early days of Freudian psychoanalysis, in my opinion, a false dichotomy developed between psychotherapy and spirituality. I think that was very unfortunate. However, more and more, psychotherapists who work in a more client-centered, contemporary way are seeing that there is significant overlap between psychotherapy and spirituality. A holistic approach to psychotherapy includes an understanding that mind, body and spirit come together in each person, even though they are expressed in many different ways and on different paths.

I believe psychotherapists can be instrumental in helping clients find meaning and purpose in their lives. Psychotherapists can also learn a great deal by listening to clients as they explore these existential questions.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist. I work with individuals and couples. My approach is holistic, and I emphasize the mind-body connection. 

I provide psychotherapeutic services, including psychodynamic psychotherapy, EMDR therapy, hypnosis, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP therapy, and Emotionally Focused couple therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mindful Eating

The holiday season can be a challenging time for managing stress and overeating. In this blog post, I'll be focusing on how to eat mindfully and avoid overeating.

Why Do We Overeat During the Holidays?
One of the reasons that we tend to overeat during the holidays is that there's so often much more food around us during this time. If we work in an office, there are office parties with cakes, cookies, chips and many other types of high caloric foods. Family gatherings also have many of the same types of calorie-laden foods. It's so easy to fill up our plates and gorge ourselves on heaps of food without even realizing.

Mindful Eating, Instead of Overeating, During the Holidays

Whether we're stuffing ourselves out of anxiety, loneliness or other uncomfortable emotions or we're distracted by our conversations with others, it's very easy to overeat without realizing it. Considering that we can often attend several parties, dinners or other social gatherings over the holidays, we can end up gaining a lot of weight around the holidays.

So what's the answer? Should we avoid all social gatherings until the holidays are over? Should we starve ourselves and avoid eating until the holidays are over? Clearly, these aren't practical strategies. So what should we do? One viable strategy is to eat mindfully.

What is "Mindful Eating"?
What do we mean by "mindful eating"? Well, mindful eating means eating with awareness. Rather than being distracted while we eat or zoned out, we deliberately choose what and how much we're eating and thoroughly enjoy it. Rather than completely depriving ourselves, which often leads to overeating when we feel too deprived, we carefully choose our food, appreciating the color, texture, aroma, and all the other sensual aspects of the food. When we place the food in our mouths, we enjoy the taste and feel of the food, slowing down to thoroughly appreciate everything about it.

Remember the Meaning of the Holidays
The other factor to keep in mind is that the holidays are about more than food and overeating. If we're fortunate, the holidays are about getting together with loved ones, remembering those who are less fortunate than ourselves and the spiritual significance of the holidays if that's meaningful to you.

So, rather than focusing on food, it's more meaningful to focus on the meaning of the particular holiday. Even if you're alone for the holidays and you're not part of an organized religion, you can have a meaningful experience for yourself and make the holiday brighter for others by volunteering your time over the holidays.

This could mean joining a carolling group at a local hospital, serving food at a local homeless drop-in center, visiting a home bound elderly neighbor, or countless other volunteer activities that are available to you over the holidays and throughout the year. Participating in any of these activities has the potential to expand ourawareness of the meaning of the holidays.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist and Somatic Experiencing therapist. As part of my therapeutic work with individuals and couples, I use mindfulness techniques.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Home for the Holidays

Being with family for the holidays can be challenging for many people. We see images of happy families in ads, TV programs, and movies, which can leave us feeling that something is wrong with us or our families if our family doesn't measure up to these happy images. However, the holidays can be very stressful, especially if we have unrealistic expectations of our families or ourselves.

Home for the Holidays

Rather than putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and your family, here are a few tips to help you during these holiday get togethers:

• Try to keep the day light. Steer clear of topics that might be contentious or that could create tension. This is not the time to debate politics if you know the discussion will become heated.

• Try to have reasonable expectations of friends and family. If Uncle Bob tends to be grouchy at family gatherings, there's no reason to expect that his personality will change this year.

• Watch your alcohol intake. Alcohol tends to amplify emotions and if you drink excessively, you might find yourself saying and doing things at the family gathering that you might regret.

• Don't take the bait if a relative becomes difficult. Try not to personalize his or her behavior.

• Plan in advance.  If you know in advance that a family gathering will be difficult, "book end" the visit by planning in advance to talk to a trusted friend or loved one before and after the visit so you feel supported.

• Do keep in mind the meaning of the holiday. So, for instance, Thanksgiving is a day to acknowledge all that we have to be grateful for.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR therapist, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individuals and couples.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Do You Feel Like a Child Again During Family Visits?

What is it about family visits that make so many people regress to feeling like young children again? How is it possible that people who function very well in their every day lives--whether they're teachers, firefighters, or CEOs of major corporations--can be reduced to feeling like helpless children during a visit home to their families?

Feeling Like a Child Again During Family Visits

For many people, family visits are a time when they look forward to seeing their parents and siblings. They're fortunate to have nurturing relationships with their families, so going home is a positive experience. 

But for others, who are not as fortunate, going home to see parents is fraught with conflict and stress. Some people describe family visits as if they are tiptoeing through an area filled with land mine. They feel they must think carefully before they broach any topic that might set off either an argument or emotional estrangement.

Many people are surprised that they can feel so confident and mature in their every day life, but when they return to family's home, they feel like children again. They find themselves reacting to the same old emotional triggers that caused problems between themselves and their families when they were growing up.

A Clinical Vignette: 

The following scenario, which is a composite of many clients with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality, is an example of the challenges that many people face when they visit their families on holidays and feel themselves regressing back to their childhood:

Roger:
Roger was known in his firm as a tough and tenacious litigator. Whenever his law firm had a difficult case, the senior partners would call on Roger because he had a reputation for being one of the best attorneys in his field. He loved his work and would often spend long hours preparing for a case. He was also in a loving, stable, long-term relationship with his girlfriend, and they planned to get married.

On most days, Roger felt like he was on top of the world. He never backed away from a challenge. But all of that changed whenever he went home for a family visit, especially on Mother's Day. As he described it, he could feel himself transforming from a successful, mature adult to an angry child the moment he set foot in his parents' house. Both his mother and father overwhelmed him with unsolicited "advice" that felt like veiled criticism about everything from how to maintain his apartment to how to manage his money.

He could feel the anger rising up in him during those times because he felt infantilized by his parents. It didn't seem to matter that he was already in his early 40s, he earned a very good living, he owned several properties, he had a good relationship and good friends, and he was generally considered a very successful person by most people's standards. Notwithstanding of all this, his parents felt the need to tell him what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, and this infuriated Roger.

But what infuriated Roger the most was that he "took the bait" in these situatons every time. Even though he vowed to himself each time not to allow his parents to get him angry, he always reverted back to feeling like the angry child that he was when he lived at home with his parents. Once this dynamic was set in motion, he felt himself sliding down that same old emotional slippery slope every time.

This was Roger's presenting problem when he started psychotherapy. He wanted to be able to visit his parents (whom he really loved, despite how angry he often felt towards them) and maintain his sense of himself as a competent adult without the emotional regression. He wanted to be able to spend quality time with them without feeling emotionally triggered by their behavior when they treated him like a child.

To that end, after exploring his childhood relationship with his parents, Roger and I planned for his next visit on Mother's Day. He already knew that his mother tended not to like his Mother's Day card or any gift that he gave her. He knew that, even though his parents were well meaning, they still saw him as their youngest child who needed their "advice." He also knew that something happened to him whenever he was in their presence. He felt trapped, like a child who could not leave his parents' home and who was forced to endure behavior that humiliated and infuriated him.

Regressing to Feeling Like a Child Again During Family Visits

Before his next Mother's Day visit, Roger and I strategized about how he would maintain his sense of self as a competent, mature adult, and how he could set limits with his parents. Since these visits always made him feel anxious, we role played various scenarios which often occurred on his visits home. 

With practice, Roger felt more competent about handling the upcoming family visit. And whereas he usually did not feel entitled to set limits with his parents because he regressed emotionally to feeling like a child, with practice in our sessions, he was able to internalize that he was entitled to be treated like an adult. And if his parents had a need to treat him like a child, for whatever reason, that was their problem and he would not allow it to affect him.

On that Mother's Day, Roger visited his parents armed with the strategies that we had practiced in our sessions. He was still nervous and feared that he would sink back down into feeling like an angry, helpless child again before he would be able to implement these strategies. He also feared that his parents would not respond well to his setting limits with them. 

Nevertheless, he was able to stand his ground as soon as the unsolicited "advice" and veiled criticism started coming his way. At first, his parents seemed surprised. They had never experienced Roger push back before. 

But contrary to Roger's fears, he was able to set limits with his parents in a loving, tactful but firm way. It made him feel confident and empowered. And, from that day forward, his parents stopped treating him like a child, and he stopped feeling like a child in their presence.

Conclusion
Visiting your family on holidays like Mother's Day or Christmas can be an emotional challenge. But you can learn to change the dynamic between you and your parents during these visits. 

Often, when you change your way of relating to your parents, they will learn to respond to you as an adult and not a child. Often, the key is to learn what triggers your regression from a mature adult to feeling like a child and learn ways not to get triggered. 

That might mean setting limits on what your parents say to you, how they treat you or your partner, or it might mean spending less time with them during these visits, but making that time as enjoyable and meaningful as possible.

I knew a woman who used to hold onto her car keys in her pocket whenever she went home to visit her parents. Holding the car keys in her hand was a reminder to her that she was a mature adult who was not trapped in her parents' home like she was when she was a child. After a while, she no longer needed to do this because she internalized these feelings without the keys as "props."

Emotional regression during family visits is a common experience. Psychotherapy is often helpful to overcome these feelings. But there are no one-size-fits all strategies. Every person's experience is unique. 

Getting Help in Therapy

If visiting home brings up more intense feelings, like the type of feelings that come up that are related to childhood trauma, EMDR therapy or clinical hypnosis can be valuable in helping you to overcome trauma.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.