Relationships: Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

It's not unusual for people in relationships to find their partner's habits annoying. 

This usually isn't discussed when people are considering moving in together or getting married.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

Sometimes people get caught in the trap of trying to change their partner, which tends to backfire (see my article: The Problem With Trying to Change Your Partner).

When you and your partner live together, it's inevitable you will both experience moments of annoyance with each other. These moments might involve annoying habits you weren't aware of when you were dating (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Since you are two different people with your own unique personalities, values, habits and quirks, there are bound to be things that bother each of you. 

It's not a matter of whether you and your partner discover annoying habits about each other but rather how you will handle these situations.

Common Situations That People in Relationships Find Annoying

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I have heard many clients complain about their partner's habits including:

• Arriving late without an apology or reason
• Forgetting to do chores on a consistent basis
• Leaving clothes on the floor
• Ignoring personal hygiene
• Leaving dirty dishes in the sink

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Not acknowledging or appreciating a partner's efforts
• Chewing loudly
• Looking at their phone a lot when they are supposed to be spending quality time together
• Drinking directly from a carton and putting the carton back in the refrigerator
• Nitpicking
• Leaving the toilet seat up
• And many other examples

How to Cope With Your Partner's Annoying Habits and Be Open to Hearing About Your Own

What one person finds annoying might not be at all annoying to someone else. So, don't be surprised if your partner has a hard time accepting that their habits are annoying or that when your partner tells you what they find annoying that you're also in denial.

Steps to Addressing and Hearing About Annoying Habits:

• Communicate Tactfully and with Empathy: Rather than waiting until you have reached your limit, talk to your partner in a calm and tactful way.  Chances are your partner isn't trying to be annoying (just as you're not trying to annoy your partner with your habits) so give them the benefit of the doubt.  A little empathy can go a long way.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Find a Convenient Time to Talk: Rather than having a conversation on the fly while your partner is racing out the door for work, find a convenient time for each of you where you can sit down calmly to discuss things.

• Put Yourself in Your Partner's Shoes and Be Flexible: You might feel that you have the best way for doing household chores, but your partner's way might be equally good. For instance, your way might be to wash the dishes as soon as you finish eating, but your partner might prefer to relax first. Neither way is right or wrong--just different.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

• Be Patient and Find a Compromise: For example, your partner might not be as good as you are with planning their time so they tend to arrive late. While they are in the process of learning to manage their time better, instead of looking at your watch and getting increasingly angry, can you use the time to answer an email, call a friend or read a newspaper article on your phone? You can both agree this is a temporary compromise as your partner is developing better time management skills.

• Balance Positive and Negative Feedback: Often when people get fed up with their partner's habits, they unleash a barrage of criticism against their partner. They might also "kitchen sink" their partner by telling them about all their annoying habits at once, which can be overwhelming for your partner to hear. So, make sure you start with some positive feedback so you don't hurt your partner's feelings with only negative feedback  (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

• Choose Your Battles: Think about what's most important to you. Maybe you live with your partner forgetting to put the toilet seat down, but you can't stand it when your partner leaves clothes on the floor. 

Are You Focusing on Annoying Habits When There Are More Serious Problems in the Relationship?

Sometimes couples argue about annoying habits when there are more serious underlying  problems in the relationship that they are either unaware of or they are reluctant to address.

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a couple can avoid talking about serious problems in the relationship by focusing on annoying habits:

June and Roger

During the honeymoon phase of their relationship, June and Roger were in a long distance relationship. 

June lived in New York City and Roger lived in Dallas, so they only saw each other once or twice a month. During that time, they were so in love with each other that they couldn't wait to be together.

Coping With Your Partner's Annoying Habits

Six months into the relationship, Roger accepted a job in New York City and he moved in with June.  Initially, they were both so happy to be together, but over time, they began to argue over seemingly little things.

After they sought help in couples therapy, Jane complained that Roger was constantly texting on his phone--even when they had carved out special time to be together.  Roger said he tried to put away his phone, but he felt he had to respond promptly to texts.

They agreed to a compromise where Roger would put his phone away when they were out to dinner and only check it as they were leaving the restaurant or when they got home. But Roger had a hard time not looking at his phone during the dinner and June felt frustrated with him and disrespected.

Then, during one of their couples therapy sessions June mentioned reluctantly that she thought Roger was texting another woman. In response, Roger got quiet. 

When the couples therapist asked him for his reaction, Roger hesitated to speak, but then he admitted he was getting texts from his ex-girlfriend in Dallas, who wanted to get back together with him. 

He said she had been very dependent upon him when they were together and he felt he had to respond to her desperate texts (see my article: Is Your Partner Stuck in a Codependent Relationship With an Ex?)

All the while when they were arguing about his texting during dinner, June sensed there was more to this problem, but she was in denial at that point. As a result, they were both reluctant to address the problem and their conversations focused on his phone use instead of the fact that he was secretly communicating with an ex-girlfriend.

Over time, June and Roger worked on her sense of betrayal and Roger's inability to set limits with his former girlfriend. He was clear that he didn't want to get back with her, but he was ambivalent about giving up his role in her life.

After June gave him an ultimatum to either stop communicating with his ex or she would leave him, Roger set limits with his ex and he blocked her on his phone. 

He also got into his own individual therapy to work on how unresolved childhood trauma related to his role as a parentified child contributed to his current problems.

Conclusion

It's common for couples to discover each other's annoying habits. 

Communicating with empathy can help your partner to understand why you find their habit annoying. You also need to develop an openness and willingness to hear about your own annoying habits.

There are times when couples focus on annoying habits as a way to avoid dealing with bigger problems like in the clinical vignette above.  

It's important to deal with underlying problems that might be causing problems in your relationship rather than tiptoeing around these problems.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a couples therapist.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

Once you have worked through your issues, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing working with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Overcome Polarization in Your Relationship

It's not unusual to have differences of opinion in a relationship, but when polarization becomes a problem, each of you become stuck in your position and there's no negotiation or compromise.

What is Polarization in a Relationship?

Let's start by first defining what polarization means in a relationship.

Polarization is a word that's often used today in politics where two political parties are far apart ideologically and unable to talk to each other to reach a compromise.

Polarization in a Relationship

A similar phenomenon occurs in certain relationships where each person has such a divergent view from the other that they're unable to meet in the middle or, in some cases, to even get out of their respective corners (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

Clinical Vignettes

The following clinical vignettes, which are composites of many cases with all identifying information removed, are examples of couples who are polarized but who find a way out of their dilemma by taking basic steps, which are identified below.

Vignette 1: Carol and Mike

When they were dating, Carol and Mike saw each other a few times a week and maintained their own Manhattan apartments for two years.

During the time they were dating, they rarely argued and, when they did, they would usually reconcile fairly easily.  But their problems with polarization developed once they moved in together.  

Polarization in a Relationship

When Mike's lease was up, he moved into Carol's apartment. They both agreed this was the most practical thing to do because his renewal lease on the Upper West Side would cost almost twice as much as Carol's rent stabilized apartment in Greenwich Village.

Initially, they were getting along well, but after a couple of months, they began arguing about how much time they were spending together (Relationships: Time Together vs Time Apart).

Mike wanted to spend more time together than Carol, who wanted to spend more of her free time with her friends.  

Mike saw his friends occasionally to go to sports events or to play racquetball, but Carol saw her friends a few times a week for brunch and dinner.  Mike couldn't understand why she would spend so much time with them.  

At first, when they began talking about this issue, they were both willing to make some compromises.  Mike was willing to spend a little less time than he really wanted with Carol and Carol was willing to spend a little more time with Mike.

But the more they talked about it, the more heated their discussions became.  And the more heated their discussions became, the more determined each of them was to get it his or her own way.  This resulted in a standoff where neither of them wanted to see the other's perspective.

Vignette 2: Jane and Dina

During the first six months of their relationship, Jane and Dina were head over heels about each other.

A year into their relationship, they got an apartment together and they felt blissful for the next six months.  But soon after that, Jane, who maintained friendships with all her exes, wanted to have dinner with her ex, Susan--someone she was in a relationship with before she met Dina.

Polarization in a Relationship

Even though Dina knew Jane maintained friendships with her exes, she didn't give it much thought until the Jane said she wanted to have dinner with Susan. From Dina's perspective, once a relationship ended, she no longer wanted to have contact with an ex.  So, when Jane told Dina she wanted to have dinner with Susan, Dina felt angry and jealous, and she told Jane she didn't feel comfortable with that.

Initially, when they began talking about it, Dina and Jane were both open to trying to find a compromise.  But as their discussions turned into arguments, they both became polarized in their views and neither of them wanted to compromise.  

How to Overcome Polarization in Your Relationship

The following tips can help if you're experiencing polarization in your relationship:

• Stop Seeing the Problem as "Right" and "Wrong": One of the problems with polarization is that each person feels they are "right" and the other person is "wrong."  Instead, see the problem as a difference of opinion with neither side being "right" or "wrong." As long as you're both stuck in seeing the problem as being black or white or all or nothing, you'll probably remain stuck.

• Wait to Talk About the Problem Until You're Both Calm: If the discussion becomes too heated, take a break and wait until you're both calm. If you try to talk about it when emotions are running high, it will be hard to find a compromise.

• Keep Moving Towards Each Other Instead of Away From Each Other: Instead of withdrawing and moving away from each other, move towards each other in an effort to find a compromise (see my article: How to Build Trust and Connection in Your Relationship).

Finding a Compromise to Get Out of a Polarization Deadlock

In Vignette 1, once Carol and Mike calmed down, they stopped seeing the problem in such black and white terms.  After Mike explained to Carol that he missed her when she was out so much, she was able to reframe the problem in her mind.  Also, once Mike understood how important Carol's friendships were to her, he realized she relied on these friendships for emotional support and fun.  

Overcoming Polarization in a Relationship

The compromise they came up with was that instead of going out with her friends three times a week, she would go out with them twice a week and invite them over once a week and Mike would invite his friends too so they could all have dinner together. When they saw that everyone got along so well, they wished they had done this months before.

In Vignette 2, Jane and Dina talked it out once they were both calm. Dina assured Jane that she trusted her and, even though she didn't see why Jane would remain friends with her exes, she wasn't jealous of Susan.  

Overcoming Polarization in a Relationship

They reached a compromise where Jane invited Dina to have dinner with Susan and Susan's new girlfriend, Judy.  During dinner, Dina enjoyed herself and she realized that she genuinely liked Susan and Judy.  After meeting Susan, Dina could understand why Jane wanted to remain friends with her.  After that first dinner, the two couples went out together every few weeks. There were also times when Jane met Susan for dinner on their own and Dina no longer had a problem with that.

Conclusion

Polarization is a common problem in many relationships. 

If both people are willing to talk when they're calm, keep the lines of communication open, and move towards each other instead of away, they're more likely to reach a compromise.

Getting Help in Therapy

Some couples are unable to get out of their polarized positions.

A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to navigate this difficult terrain so they can learn the necessary relationship skills to make compromises and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotion Focused Therapy For Couples?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How You and Your Partner Can Get on the Same Page About Your Relationship

This is the third article in a series about the topic of getting on the same page with your partner (see my articles: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page? and Telltale Signs You and Your Partner Aren't on the Same Page).  

How to Get on the Same Page With Your Partner

If you want your relationship to succeed, you and your partner need to get on the same wavelength, if possible.  I say "if possible" because sometimes each individual's needs are so different that they can't get on the same page.  

In that case, it's better to acknowledge this and end the relationship. But assuming that each person's needs aren't so divergent, there are steps you can take to improve your relationship.

5 Steps to Get on the Same Page With Your Partner

Although these steps are presented as 5 steps, each of these steps can be challenging:

• Eliminate Unhealthy Patterns of Communicating: Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman coined a phrase called "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" which describes four unhealthy patterns that often lead to the demise of relationships. These include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (see my article: Improve Communication: Eliminate the Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse).

• Develop Healthy Patterns of Communicating: Develop active listening skills (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening Skills for a detailed explanation of what active listening is and how to do it.)

• Set Short Term and Long Term Relationship Goals: Relationship goals are important. A short term goal might be how you'll solve a relatively simple problem in your relationship. Long term goals could include having children, buying a home, and so on. Talking about your relationship goals will probably involve some compromise, as long as you don't compromise things you know are essential to your well-being. Your short term goals will probably also include interim steps to take towards your long term goals (see my articles: 7 Tips For Creating Relationship Goals For a Stronger Relationship and 10 Relationship Goals For a Stronger Relationship).

• Develop Trust and Respect For Each Other: Trust and respect are the foundation of a healthy relationship. Just like a building won't stand without a good foundation, a relationship won't last without the healthy foundation of trust and respect.  In some relationships where there has been infidelity or some other form of betrayal, if the couple decides they want to stay together, they need to build back trust. This can take a long time, and there are times when, despite each person's best efforts, too much damage has been done and trust can't be rebuilt. But assuming the partner who created the mistrust does the work to actually change, a couple can rebuild trust and respect (see my article: Learning to Trust Again After a Betrayal).

• Learn to Compromise But Not Self Sacrifice: As previously mentioned, compromise is an essential part of any relationship--as long as you know what you need for your well-being and you're not sacrificing things that are essential to you (see my article: Are You Compromising or Self Sacrificing?)

Seek Help in Therapy

Although I summarized these five steps in one article, as previously mentioned, taking these steps aren't easy.

There are times when, despite your best efforts, you and your partner encounter obstacles that you can't overcome on your own.  

When you encounter obstacles, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with relationship problems.  

In couples therapy, you'll both learn valuable skills so you can have a healthy and happy relationship (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT)?).

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

Holiday Time With Your Family: Balancing Your Expectations

We often get disappointed when we have expectations from our loved ones, especially around the holidays, about what we want and they might not want.  More often than not, if we try to impose our expectations on our loved ones, it's a recipe for disappointment and resentment.  Sometimes, we need to temper our expectations to be more flexible, recognizing that we can't change other people to make them do what we want them to do.

Holiday Time:  Can You and Your Loved Ones Balance Your Expectations?

New York Times Modern Love Article:  "A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents"
An article by Carolyn S. Briggs in yesterday's New York Times' Modern Love column caught my attention called "A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents" (a link to this article is provided at the end of this blog post).  She describes how she was disappointed last year when her adult children had a very different view of the Christmas holiday than she did.  Whereas she wanted a more traditional Christmas holiday, her children felt it was more of a "consumerist sham" of a holiday.

Ms. Briggs says she had hoped that they would all fill their Christmas stockings with messages of love and appreciation for each other, but her children weren't interested in this, which was very disappointing to her.

Ms. Briggs  also discusses how she was disappointed when she was younger during the time when her parents were divorcing.  She says that she and her brother pooled their money and bought and decorated their own tree because there was no tree that year.  In hindsight, she says she doesn't want to guilt her children into doing what they don't want to do on Christmas.  She has changed her expectations of what Christmas will be like with her family this year.

It's not unusual for adults to want to make up for what they didn't get as children.  There's something very sad about two children having to provide their own Christmas tree because the adults are preoccupied with their own problems.   Yet, we can't expect that, as adults, we'll always be able to make up for what we didn't get as children, especially when the experience involves other people, who might not want to go along with it now.

As I read Ms. Briggs' article, I couldn't help thinking about when I was a young adult and I had similar ideas to her children.

Coming from a very traditional family, when I was in my late teens and early 20s, I rebelled against these traditions and also felt that Christmas was all about consumerism.

But, as I was reading this article, I realized that my feelings have changed since then and I can now appreciate the holiday spirit.  I'm not cynical about the holidays, the way I used to be when I was a young adult.  My feeling is that, regardless of the consumerism, we can make the holiday whatever we want it to be.  We're not at the mercy of consumerism.

Reading this article, I looked back on myself as a young adult and thought about the times that I  must have disappointed my family when I didn't want to go along with tradition.  As I read the article, I could see both sides--Ms. Briggs' disappointment last year and her children's resistance.

As a therapist, I know that late teens and early 20s is an important time for young adults to develop their own ideas and become separate individuals from their families.  Seeing it from that vantage point, one could see why they wouldn't acquiesce to her wishes.

And yet, as someone who is a middle-aged woman now, I couldn't help wishing that Ms. Briggs' adult children had cooperated a little more--not because they believed in these Christmas traditions, but because they knew how important it was to her.

Is There a Way to Balance Our Own and Our Loved Ones' Expectations?
Could there have been some compromise?  I don't know.  Reasonable people could disagree.   This isn't a black and white issue.

But maybe the view that there might have been a compromise comes with age and life experience.  I couldn't have taken this view when I was younger.

When you're  a young adult, you're struggling to establish your own autonomy, which sometimes means having different feelings and opinions from your family.   When you're older and you're on your own, you have less to prove, and I think you can afford emotionally to be more generous.

In the end, I think Ms. Briggs came to the right conclusion--that even if your family doesn't experience the holiday in the same way that you would like as a parent, the most important thing is that you're together.

Wishing Everyone a Happy and Healthy Holiday.

I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

A Holiday Built on Presence, Not Presents
By Carolyn S. Briggs - 12/23/12 - NY Times - Modern Love

New Relationships: Learning to Compromise About Time Spent Together

When two people fall in love and begin a new relationship, it's often a romantic and exhilarating time. Aside from the physical attraction, they usually have enough in common for them to want to be exclusive with each other.  But as they get to know each other, one thing that couples often discover about each other is that they have different feelings about how much time to spend together vs time apart.  If couples can't compromise about how much to spend time together, the relationship can quickly devolve into arguments and resentment.

Learning to Compromise About Time Spent Together

Spending Time Together vs Time Apart:  Learning to Communicate and Compromise

Obviously, there are no rules about how much time people in relationships "should" spend with each other.  So, there is no right or wrong.  But there needs to be honest communication and a compromise so the couple can work it out if they want to remain together.  But many couples struggle with this issue because they get stuck in a tug of war about it.  

Spending Time Together vs Time Apart:  Making Premature Assumptions Can Lead to Misunderstandings

People in this situation often make premature assumptions about what it means that their partners don't see eye-to-eye with them about how much time to spend together.

For example, the person, who wants to spend more time together, often feels hurt that his or her partner doesn't want to spend as much time together, assuming that the other person isn't as committed to the new relationship.  While there might be times when this is true, it might also mean that the person who wants to spend less time just needs more time to him or herself.  It could also mean that s/he wants to take things slowly.  

It could mean a lot of things--but that's the point:  Neither person can make assumptions about what it means and both people need to discuss this openly.

The following vignette, which is a composite of many cases, with all identifying information changed to preserve confidentiality, illustrates how this problem can be worked out:

Joan and Dan:

Joan and Dan were in their mid-40s when they met.  Both of them had been divorced for several years when they met at a mutual friend's party.  They hit it off immediately and began dating the same week. During the first two months, they saw each other a couple of times a week, which worked out for both of them.  Neither of them was dating anyone else, and they agreed to be exclusive with each other.  

By the third month, Dan told Joan that he was in love with with her, and Joan was elated because she felt the same way.  After that, Joan wanted to see Dan more often and she told him that she wanted them to spend all their weekends together.  

Dan wanted to spend some weekends together, but not the entire weekend all weekends.  Sometimes, he liked having part of the weekend to himself.  When he told Joan this, she interpreted it to mean that Dan wasn't as interested in her as she was in him.  She had spent several years by herself after her divorce, and now that she was in love again, she wanted to spend all of her free time with Dan.  

Joan really enjoyed Dan's company a lot, and she had assumed that he enjoyed being with her just as much.  But when he told her that he would want to have some time to himself on certain weekends, she felt deeply hurt and angry:  Why wouldn't he want to spend all of his free time with her?  She also felt ashamed of making herself so emotionally vulnerable to Dan only to get her feelings hurt.  When Dan told her how he felt, she hung up the phone and burst into tears.

Initially, Joan didn't take Dan's phone calls because she was angry.  This surprised Dan.  They'd never had a big argument until now and he didn't know what to make of it.  When Joan finally agreed to take his call a few days later, at first, she didn't want to talk about spending time on weekends together, but Dan insisted.  He realized that Joan was hurt because she misunderstood how he felt.  He suggested that they meet for dinner to talk about it.

When they sat down together at dinner, Joan had a hard time making eye contact with Dan.  She was still feeling hurt, angry, and ashamed.  Dan remained quiet, but handed Joan an envelope and said, "Open it."  At first, Joan was hesitant, but Dan gestured to her to go ahead and open it.  And when she did, Joan gasped--she saw two round trip tickets to Paris.  Dan explained that he didn't want Joan to think he didn't want to spend more time with her.  It was just that he felt he needed time for himself sometimes on weekends.

They spent the rest of the dinner talking excitedly about how they would spend their time in Paris, which would be the first time for both of them.  They also talked about how they could compromise on the issue of spending time together vs. spending time apart.  

They worked out that they would spend certain weekends at Dan's house, which was much larger than Joan's apartment so that when Dan felt he wanted some time to himself, he could spend time in his den or in the garden while Joan read or did whatever she wanted to do.  

This compromise worked out for both of them.  It allowed Dan to have some time to himself, and it allowed Joan to spend more time with Dan, even if he was in the garden or in another part of the house for part of the time.  Just knowing that he was nearby was enough for her during those times when he wanted time to himself.  They also had a great time in Paris.

Working Out a Compromise About Spending Time Together vs Time Apart

As I mentioned, this is a common problem that a lot of couples struggle with in their relationship, especially when the relationship is new and sometimes even in longstanding relationships.  

An important aspect of working it out is not to make assumptions about what it means if one of you feels differently than the other.   You might have different needs.  

Have an honest talk with your partner and see if you can work out a compromise that will satisfy both of you.  It's important that whatever you work out works for both of you because if one of you just gives, there's bound to be resentment and it won't work out.

Getting Help in Couples Counseling

Many couples can't work this out themselves.  Often, one or both people can't put aside their own feelings to try to understand where the other person is coming from.  

Also, each person's personal history in his or her family of origin can affect their being able to work it out.  If, for instance, the person who wants to spend less time together felt smothered in his or her family of origin, those feelings might get triggered in this situation, making it difficult to compromise.  Likewise, if the person who wants to spend more time together grew up in a family where he or she felt emotionally abandoned, these feelings could get triggered when the couple tries to work out a compromise.

If you find that you and your partner can't work out the time together vs. time apart issue on your own, you could benefit from seeing a couples counselor.  A skilled couples counselor can help you navigate through this potentially thorny issue.  A couples counselor can help each person to understand how his or her family background might be affecting their situation and how to differentiate what happened in childhood from the current situation.

If you're in a relationship with someone you love and this is an issue that is standing in your way, you both owe it to yourselves to try to work it out in couples counseling.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

All You Need is More Than Love

Often, when people fall in love, their attitude is that, like the Beatles song, all they need is love.  Being in love and passionate for each other can take you along for a while--maybe even the first two years of a relationship.  Then, it soon becomes obvious that you need more than just love to have a successful relationship.

All You Need is More Than Love

Here are a few other important factors, beyond love, that contribute to a happy relationship:

Respecting Each Other:  If you love each other, but there are times, let's say when you're angry, that you speak and act disrespectfully to each other, after a while, love alone isn't going to carry you through. Disrespect can take many forms:  a contemptuous look, name calling, cheating on your partner, lying, etc. It's important that when disagreements come up, as they inevitably do in serious relationships, you both remember to be mutually respectful to one another.

Learning to Compromise: Falling in love and feeling passionate for one another is great, but relationships also call for compromise at times.  If you and your partner haven't learned the give-and-take that is part of any long-term relationship, more than likely, you'll soon be embroiled in arguments and power struggles where each of you is trying to get your way.  Both people need to know how to compromise so it's not just a one-way street with one person doing all the compromising.

Having Similar Core Values and Outlook on Life: When you fall in love, it might be due, in part, to a sexual attraction or you enjoy similar activities, but it's also important for the health of a long-term relationship that you have similar core values.  You don't  need to agree about everything, but for the things that are most important to each of you, it's important to have similar values.

There Are Exceptions:
Now, I know there are couples who have long-term relationships where they don't have similar core values.  But they're the exception rather than the rule.  For instance, if your religious faith is important to you and you know you will only be happy with a partner who shares the same faith, don't think that overlooking this in a partner will work or, worse still, that you'll convert him or her to your faith.  It can happen, but more often than not, it doesn't.

If you know you won't be happy unless you have children and your partner doesn't want kids, don't overlook this.  You might feel resentful in the future.  There are so many other examples of this, whether it involves attitudes about money, politics, families, etc.  So, be honest with yourself and your partner at the beginning of the relationship.

All You Need is More Than Love
When you first fall in love, you might not want to think about respect, compromise or core values.  It's easy to get swept away on a tidal wave of love and think that "love will conquer all" and other cliches about love.

And maybe you and your partner will be one of the exceptions that I've discussed, but chances are you won't be.  So, don't ignore some of the red flags that might come up early on about these issues if you want a long-term relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Relationships: Overcoming Power Struggles

Couples often come to couples counseling because they're stuck in what I call "push-pull power struggles" that keep them constantly frustrated and at odds with one another.

What Are Power Struggles?
Push-pull power struggles can emerge in just about any aspect of a relationship.  One common example of a push-pull power struggle often occurs during arguments.  So, for example, one person might need to take time away from the other person to cool off  while his partner might feel the need to resolve the situation right then and there.

Relationships: Overcoming Power Struggles

If both people feel strongly about what they feel they need, they are at an impasse.  Rather than trying to find a compromise, each person often insists on having what s/he needs.  This just escalates the argument as one person feels crowded in while the other person feel abandoned.

Push-Pull Power Struggles and Problems With Intimacy
Intimacy, both emotional and sexual intimacy, is often another area where there can be push-pull power struggles.

Power Struggles and Problems With Intimacy

Some people need to have their "space" every so often, while others feel the need to be close most of the time.  Once again, if each person insists on having his or her way, this exacerbates the problem.  The person who needs "space" occasionally will feel hemmed in, while the person who likes to spend more time together can feel hurt and abandoned.

Childhood Histories Can Complicate Relationship Dynamics
Complicating these situations are the individual personal histories of each person in the relationship.  It's not unusual for people in relationships to experience earlier childhood trauma triggered in their adult relationships.  In the examples above, the person who might have grown up feeling smothered by a parent might feel smothered by a partner who doesn't allow him his "space."  Or, a person who needs to spend more time with a partner who needs "space" might feel old feelings of being abandoned as a child.

When old feelings are triggered, it intensifies emotions, and it's hard to distinguish how much of the current emotional reaction is due to the current situation and how much might be part of old unresolved emotional wounds.

Getting Help in Therapy
Couples counseling is a place where push-pull power struggles can be negotiated and resolved.  If you and your spouse find yourself constantly getting caught up in these kinds of power struggles, you owe it to yourself to get help so you can work through these issues and enjoy a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Compromising or Self Sacrificing in Your Relationship?

Most of us know that being in a relationship is a two-way street that often involves certain compromises from both people. But how do we know when we've crossed over the line from compromising to self sacrificing to the detriment of our own well-being?

Are You Compromising or Self Sacrificing in Your Relationship?

Self Sacrificing to the Point of Masochism:
Many years ago, when I was an undergraduate student, I had to take a required statistics course. The professor who taught this course was a notoriously bad teacher. He was also the only professor who taught this particular required course. 

He had been teaching the same course for 30 years and he made it very clear that he hated teaching and he was only there to get grant money for his biopsychology experiments. He told us on Day One that the dean had a folder six inches thick with complaints about him from students, but he was tenured and he could not be fired. So, he said, if we complained about him, it wouldn't do any good. 

He also made it clear that whether we got the concepts that he taught or not was of no importance to him. He explained that the required text book for this course was incomprehensible to most students, and we had better form study groups if we hoped to pass. The one positive thing that he said was that if we managed to get an "A" on his midterm, we would not have to take the final exam, and we would get an "A" for the class. We learned all of this on Day One.

By Day Two, several of us who were motivated formed a study group and agreed to meet on a regular basis to do assignments together and share what we each understood from class. We had to memorize formulas and we were not allowed to use calculators in class or on tests, which seems ridiculous now, but that's how it was then.

Overall, the group was fairly cohesive, except for one student who tended to miss our groups because of various problems that came up with her boyfriend. Let's call her Millie (not her real name).

Millie usually came to class frazzled and in a state of high anxiety. One day, we went to the cafeteria during a break and she told me that her boyfriend hated that she was taking college classes. Her motivation was that she was in a dead-end job, and she wanted to get a degree so she could get a better job and earn more money. Getting a college degree had always been her dream, but her parents couldn't afford to send her to college after she graduated high school, so she had to go to work. Like most of us in that class, she was balancing a full-time job and a hefty course load. She was the first one in her family to attend college, and she got no support from her family and even less from her boyfriend, who never attended college and couldn't hold onto a job.

It was not unusual for Millie to miss class and miss our group meetings. Usually, when we saw her the next time, she would be very apologetic. The first time that she missed our group, she told us afterwards that she had an allergic reaction to brownies that her boyfriend made. She said that he made the brownies with nuts because he "forgot" that she was highly allergic to nuts. When she told him that she couldn't eat the brownies because her throat would close up, she said he was very hurt and annoyed with her. So, to appease him, she ate one of the brownies and, soon afterwards, he had to rush her to the emergency room because she couldn't breathe. None of us said anything to Millie about her boyfriend, but we were all concerned that she would sacrifice herself in this way.

Another time, Millie came to our group completely unprepared. She said, "My boyfriend said that I always have my head stuck in a book, and I don't pay enough attention to him, so I skipped looking over my notes so he and I could watch his favorite TV show together." Even though we tried to help Millie get caught up with the assignment, it was obvious that she was already very lost. And since one concept builds on another in statistics, she was falling further and further behind due to her efforts to try to appease her demanding boyfriend.

I don't think I have ever studied so hard and memorized so many formulas in my life as I did in that statistics class. Fortunately, the people in my statistics study group and I worked very hard and did well on the midterm. All of us got A's--all except Millie. By the midterm, she was failing most of her classes, and she decided to drop out of college. She told me, "I have to concentrate on my relationship. I found out that my boyfriend was having an affair, and he blamed me because I wasn't paying enough attention to him."

By dropping out of college, Millie let go of her dream to be the first in her family to get a college degree. She also knew that her chances for getting a better job would be nil, and she would be unlikely to increase her earning power. She knew all of this, and yet she dropped out of college to try salvage a relationship with a boyfriend who was cheating on her and who seemed to offer her very little. After she dropped out, I never heard from Millie again. I hope that, eventually, she left that relationship where she sacrificed herself so much, to the point of masochism.

How Do You Know if You're Making Reasonable Compromises or if You're Sacrificing Yourself?
As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, being in a relationship often involves compromise and it should be a two-way street. When I say this, I don't mean that you're keeping a strict tally of the compromises that you've made and comparing them to the ones that your partner has made (or not made). But I do mean that, if you can be objective about it, overall, do you find that either you or your partner tends to be the one who compromises most of the time?


Reciprocity: "Give-and-Take" in Relationships
Is there reciprocity so that, over time, there is "give-and-take" in your relationship or is it lopsided either one way or the other? I stress the words "over time" because if you're in a long-term relationship, there might be periods in your relationship where one or the other of you might be the one who compromises more because of a particular situation.

For instance, in Millie's case, if she had been with a boyfriend who was more supportive of her attending college and they were going to be together for the long haul, he might have realized that there would be times when she wouldn't spend as much time with him as he would like until she got her degree. Maybe the compromise would have been that they carved out special times together for each other that were meaningful to both of them so that they preserved their relationship, but Millie also put in the necessary time to dedicate to her studies.

"Giving" Til It Hurts
What are you "compromising" about?

It's one thing to compromise about a movie and another thing to compromise your college education and your future. If one or both of you think that you're always going to get what you want in your relationship, chances are good that either the relationship won't work or one of you is going to be compromising to the point of self sacrifice.

For instance, if your religion or sense of spirituality is very important to you, but your partner puts you down because he or she has different views, if you give up your spirituality, you're giving up something that supports and sustains your well-being and is part of your core values. If you give up your spirituality and it's important to you, that's not compromising--you're engaging in self sacrifice.

Another example is if your partner asks you to give up your friendships or family relationships. Unless your friendships or family relationships are abusive, this is usually not a reasonable request. This isn't a compromise--it's self sacrifice. You can't get everything from your relationship, so it's important that you maintain strong ties to people who care about you.

Is whatever your "compromising" about eroding your self esteem?
To assess this in yourself, you need to try to be as objective as possible and ask yourself if you're engaging in behavior, at your partner's request, that is making you feel bad about yourself. If you're able to check in with yourself and go inside to see how it feels, do you come away feeling low? This is often an indicator that you're self sacrificing and not compromising.

For instance, when I was in high school, I knew a girl who had a very jealous boyfriend. Before she met her boyfriend, she used to like to wear makeup and look fashionable. She had good taste and a very good fashion sense, and it made her feel good about herself to look well. People usually complimented her on how well she looked. But after she started seeing her boyfriend, she changed how she looked to try to assuage his jealous nature. 

He felt that she was wearing her makeup and dressing fashionably to attract other boys, which was not the case. She was doing it for herself. But he only wanted her to dress fashionably and wear makeup for him when they were alone. So, to appease him, she stopped wearing makeup and began dressing in a matronly way, except for when she was with him. Her boyfriend was satisfied, but she felt badly about herself most of the time. Fortunately, eventually, she saw his jealous and controlling behavior for what it was, left him, and she met someone else who was much better suited for her.

Ask Your Trusted Friends
Sometimes, it's hard for us to see things about ourselves and our relationships objectively. It's easy to make excuses for ourselves or our partners. But if you have trusted friends that you confide in, they might be more objective about what's going on for you in your relationship than you are. Maybe they're not saying anything to you right now because they're afraid of hurting your feelings or they don't want to jeopardize your friendship with them by telling you something that you might not be open to hearing.

But if you can open your mind and your heart to hearing things that you might find difficult to hear, you might learn something about yourself and your relationship that you aren't admitting to yourself. If you have trusted friends who can communicate with you in a tactful and honest way, you can take in what they have to say and see if it resonates with you. Often, our friends tell us things that we already know deep down inside but that we've been too afraid to admit to ourselves.

Seek Professional Help to Make Changes:
Suspecting or knowing that you might have an imbalance in your relationship when it comes to making compromises is one thing. Being able to change that imbalance is often another thing.

Having intellectual insight isn't always enough to make the necessary changes that you need to make. You might need the help of a licensed mental health professional to help you to make those changes.
If your partner is willing to go to couples counseling, you might benefit from working with a professional who has experience working with couples.

If your partner is unwilling to seek help with you, you shouldn't suffer by yourself. As an individual, you could benefit from working with a professional who specializes in relationships. Sometimes, partners who are unwilling at first become more willing once you begin getting help and will eventually join you. But if he or she isn't ready, if you feel "stuck," you still could benefit from getting help, whether you stay in the relationship or not.

Very often, taking the first step of acknowledging that you need help, and taking action to get help, is the first step down the road to a better sense of health and well-being.

About Me

I am a licensed psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and EMDR therapist in NYC.

I work with individuals and couples, and I have helped many clients with relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.