Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Everyone feels lonely sometimes.  It's not unusual.  There are different kinds of experiences of feeling lonely.  

Usually we associate feeling lonely with being alone. But it's not unusual to feel lonely from time to time while you're in a relationship.  You and your partner or spouse aren't always going to feel emotionally attuned.  

But when you feel lonely most of the time while you're with your partner, this is a different kind of loneliness and can be indicative of problems in the relationship (see my article:  What's the Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness?).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

There are many reasons why you could be feeling lonely or emotionally estranged from your partner.  Assuming that you and your partner spend time together and that you're not away from each other for significant periods, it's important to determine what's causing you to feel lonely and if your partner is feeling the same way.

Are one or both of you withdrawing emotionally when you're together so that you're in the same room but you're not connecting with each other on an emotional level?  Are you bored?  Has your sex life waned?  Have you grown apart?

The following vignette is a fictionalized composite that illustrates a particular cause of loneliness in a relationship:

Alice and Peter:

Alice and Peter were married for 15 years.  They had two sons, who were 11 and 12.  They both had successful careers.  When they first got married, they had a very passionate relationship.  But in the last few years, they focused most of their free time on their sons' various activities, including sports events.  Their once passionate sex life had waned to nearly nothing (see my article: Reviving Your Sex Life).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

After their children went away to sleep away camp for the first time, they found themselves together and alone for the first time in a long time.  Before their sons left, they each thought they would enjoy having time to themselves for a change.

But after their sons were gone, they both felt awkward around each other and somewhat at a loss as to how to spend their time together.  Both of them felt too uncomfortable talking about it, so they each dealt with the awkwardness and loneliness they felt on their own.  They each found individual projects to work on in their spare time, and they tried to avoid the emotional awkwardness by spending their time apart.

As the weeks passed, they each felt more emotionally estranged from each other.  Finally, when it became too uncomfortable for her, Alice broached the topic with Peter, feeling embarrassed and shy, but  deciding that it was better to talk about it than to keep sweeping it under the rug.

So, over breakfast, before they went off to their separate projects, Alice told Peter that she was feeling lonely.  There was an awkward silence, which increased Alice's embarrassment and feelings of awkwardness.  Then, Peter looked away and said he was feeling the same way.

They talked about how they never realized, while the children were around, that they had lost sight of their relationship.

They acknowledged to each other that they still loved one another, but their sex life had waned to nothing.  This was a difficult conversation to have, but it was a relief for both of them to stop avoiding each other and the so-called "elephant in the room" of the loneliness that they each felt around each other.

Peter and Alice realized that they needed to get to know each other again.  They loved their sons very much, but they realized that they needed to spend more quality time with each to rekindle their relationship.

But they didn't know how after all this time, so they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In marriage counseling, they learned to re-engage in the activities that they used to enjoy--going out dancing, going to the theatre, and reading aloud to each other.

To rekindle their sex life, they rediscovered how to be sensual with each other and, eventually, becoming sexually intimate again after years of not being sexual at all.  When their sons returned, they made sure to continue to find time for each other by going out on a "date" at least 3-4 times per month to maintain the emotional and sexual intimacy they discovered with each other while their sons were away.

Loneliness and Estrangement Can Develop Over Time in a Relationship
The scenario above is only one example of how loneliness and emotional estrangement can develop in a relationship over time without the couple even realizing it.

There are many other examples, too many to discuss in one blog post.  

One common complaint I hear from couples in my New York City private practice is that one or both people are continually preoccupied with their cellphone.  This could be a topic unto itself.  Another common complaint is that one or both people have outgrown each other.

Getting Help in Therapy
The main point of this blog post is that if you're feeling lonely in your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your partner to communicate this before it's too late.

You're not alone.  There are many individuals and couples that experience this problem.

If you're unable to work on it on your own by rekindling your relationship, you can seek the help of a licensed mental health professional who  specializes in working with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Being Honest in Your Relationship: Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

The expression "Taking time apart" is often used by one or both people in a relationship when what they really mean is "Let's breakup."  In my prior articles, I've addressed the issue of being honest in relationships (see my articles: Relationships and Lies of Omission).

Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

In this article, I'm addressing an important issue that often leaves people feeling betrayed because of the lack of honesty involved.

I hope to encourage people in a relationship that really know it's over to be honest rather than giving your spouse or partner false hope in order to avoid the unpleasantness of a breakup.

Of course, there are times when one or both people aren't sure if they want to stay together or not and "taking time apart" is a way for each of them to discover how they really feel about the relationship.  As long as both people are as honest as they can be with themselves and with each other, I don't see a problem with this (see my article: Your Relationship: Should You Stay or Should You Go?)

What I'm referring to is a situation where, usually, one person really wants to leave the relationship and the other wants to try to salvage it.  The one who wants to leave knows it's over, but s/he wants to avoid the messiness of a breakup by calling it "time apart" rather than being honest that s/he knows they're not getting back together once they've parted.

This leads to false hope for the one who wants to stay and overall misunderstandings.

I've seen this dynamic many times in couples therapy where a couple comes to talk about relationship issues and, sometimes in the first session, the one who originally said they wanted to take a break reveals that s/he wants it to be over and then says that the other individual in the relationship should use the therapy session for him or herself.

In those instances, the one who wants "out" knew all along that, even though s/he agreed to couples sessions, s/he planned to leave the partner off in my office so that I could be the one to deal with the partner's heartbreak over the breakup.

In those circumstances, the person who wanted to salvage the relationship is not only heartbroken but also feels betrayed because it quickly becomes apparent that this was the intention all along of coming to the therapy session--to avoid taking responsibility for ending the relationship and the emotional aftermath that goes with that.

Not only is this unfair to the partner who wants to remain, it's also unfair the person who wanted to end it.  Even when someone knows that it's over, s/he usually has feelings about it.  There might be feelings of relief, but there is usually sadness too because most relationships, even ones that are ending, had good aspects to them at some point.  There was love at one point and other positive emotions.  It's not like throwing away yesterday's newspaper.

There is a responsibility, in most circumstances, to a spouse or partner to be your "best self" when  you're breaking up and this involves honesty, kindness and a willingness to help him or her to understand what's happening in the relationship.  (I say "in most circumstances" because there are times when it's too dangerous to stay in a relationship.  If a spouse or partner is being abusive, the person who is leaving may have to seek safety for him or herself and the children.  Then, once everyone is safe, s/he can use the social service system to negotiate the problems.)

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette, which is based on many different cases, to understand this phenomenon.

Mary and Dan
Mary and Dan had been living together for 10 years.  During the last year, they had been arguing a lot about money, whether or not to have children, and whether to stay in NYC or to move.

Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

They were both in their 20s when they originally got together and these issues weren't on their minds.  But during the last two years, Mary told Dan that she wanted to get pregnant because she feared that if she waited any longer, she might not be able to have children.

Dan told her that, even though he liked children, he wasn't sure if he wanted to have children at this point.  He also wanted to leave NYC and move out West.  But Mary said she couldn't leave her job now because her career in her company was just starting to take off in a big way.

Mary wanted to save more money, but Dan liked to spend freely.

After months of bickering, Dan told Mary that he thought it was best that they "take time apart." He proposed that he move out for a couple of months so they could each have time and "space" from each other.

Mary wasn't in favor of Dan moving out, but he assured her that this would only be temporary and he wasn't breaking up with her.

Reluctantly, Mary agreed to this, but it still made her feel anxious.  She had childhood memories of her parents "trial separation" when her father told her mother that he needed his "space," but shortly afterwards, he filed for divorce.  This made Mary suspicious about Dan's intentions, but she had only known Dan to be honest and she decided to take him at his word.

Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

They set the terms of their temporary separation--they would have occasional phone contact, but not see each other for the next two months.  At that point, according to Dan, he wanted to them to talk again about their issues without arguing.

Mary was lonely and worried during their separation.  She really wanted to work things out.

Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

Six weeks into their separation, Dan told Mary that he would like to attend couples counseling because he felt it would help them.  Mary took this as a hopeful sign that Dan was serious about resolving their problems so she agreed.

During their consultation with a couples therapist, Mary spoke first.  She talked about how much she loved Dan and wanted to work things out.  She said she was happy that he was open to seeing a couples therapist so they could get help.

When it was Dan's turn to speak, he spoke directly to the couples therapist, he told her that he no longer wanted to be in the relationship and he wanted to come to the session so that Mary would have a place to talk about the breakup.

Both Mary and the couples therapist were surprised because this isn't how Dan originally presented what he wanted.  But based on his confident tone and demeanor, it was obvious that he had already made up his mind.

Stunned, Mary asked him how long he knew that he wanted to end the relationship, and Dan admitted that he knew it before they separated, but he thought that "time apart" would make it easier for both of them rather than telling Mary before he moved out.

Mary was angry and sad.  She told Dan how betrayed she felt that he wasn't honest with her from the beginning.

Dan reluctantly agreed to come to three more sessions for closure.  He would have preferred to not return and to leave Mary to work things out with the therapist.  However, he also felt guilty for hurting Mary, which wasn't his intention.

As he talked about his family background, it became clear that he came from a family that avoided talking about sensitive issues, which was why his arguments with Mary were so difficult for him.  He was able to recognize in therapy that he was being avoidant and he approached the breakup in a dishonest and hurtful way.

Mary remained in therapy to deal with the heartbreak of the current breakup as well as the early unresolved childhood trauma of her parents' divorce.  With time, she was able to work through her feelings (see my article:  Learning From Past Romantic Relationships).

Are You Taking Time Apart or Breaking Up?

Eventually, she was able safe enough to allow herself to be vulnerable enough to date again, looking for the qualities in a romantic partner that she now recognized were very important to her.

Conclusion
Breakups aren't easy.  No one wants to go through the pain of a breakup, but being honest about your feelings to yourself as well as to your partner is best for both of you.

Breaking up is hard enough without adding dishonest and feelings of betrayal to your problems.

You might have a history of being avoidant in terms of dealing with difficult feelings and, if so, you could benefit from getting help in therapy to be able to cope with and express difficult feelings.

Even if you feel you're avoiding the unpleasantness with the current breakup, you'll probably face the same issues in the future in other relationships where emotional honesty is so important.

Getting Help in Therapy
Whether you're seeking help for yourself or as a couple, a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with relationship issues can help to either salvage the relationship or make the transition to breaking up.

If you're seeking couples therapy, it's important that both of you feel comfortable with the therapist (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than waiting for the situation to get worse, you owe it to yourself and to your partner to get help.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have worked successfully with many individuals and couples on relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: "Acting In" Instead of "Acting Out"

Many people who are unhappy in their relationship don't know how to communicate with their partner.  Rather than "acting in" by addressing the problems within the relationship, they "act out" by cheating with other people or finding other diversions outside of the relationship (see my article:  Infidelity: Married, Bored and Cheating on Social Media).

"Acting In" Your Relationship Instead of "Acting Out"

Obviously, the infidelity only adds to the couples' problems and, even if the other spouse is willing to forgive the cheating and find a way to salvage the relationship.  The infidelity then becomes one more hurdle for the couple to overcome (see my article:  Coping With Secrets and Lies in a Relationship).

The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases to protect confidentiality, is an example of this dynamic as well as how couples counseling can help:

Dan and Peg:
Dan and Peg were together for five years when they came for couples counseling.

While Dan thought Peg was asleep, he began sending sexually explicit texts to a woman that he met online.

Initially, Dan tried to make light of these texts.  He told Peg that he never met this woman before--he only knew her online, so he didn't consider the texts to be "cheating."

This hurt and angered Peg even more, so Dan tried to apologize, but Peg wasn't ready to hear his apology, especially after Dan tried to make light of his behavior (see my article:  Trying to Decide What to Do After You Discover That Your Spouse Cheated on You).

"Acting In" Your Relationship Instead of "Acting Out"

Peg asked Dan to move out of their home until she could sort out her feelings.

So, when they began couples counseling, Dan was renting an apartment nearby on a month to month basis, hoping that Peg would eventually allow him to come back home.

"Acting In" Your Relationship Instead of "Acting Out"

Dan wanted to reconcile their relationship but, even though she missed him, Peg wasn't sure.  She wondered if she could trust that he wasn't having sex with other women or that he wouldn't send women sexually explicit emails in the future.

On the one hand, she wasn't sure that she could ever trust Dan again (see my article:  When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship: Lies of Omission).

But, on the other hand, she knew she loved Dan and she didn't want to just throw away four years of marriage without trying to save the relationship (see my article:  Your Relationship: Should You Stay or Should You Go?).

The first session was so contentious that we had to have individual sessions for a while.

The individual sessions gave me an opportunity to explore each of their motivations for being in couples counseling, their family backgrounds, their relationship history prior to being together, help each of them to explore their feelings before and after the infidelity was discovered, and find out if there were any other instances of cheating on either of their parts.

I also wanted to know how serious Dan was about changing his behavior.

I made it clear to each of them what I tell all couples:  We can't do couples counseling if one or both of them were having affairs or acting out with other people.

Each of them had very different family histories.

Peg came from a close knit family.  There was a real emphasis on communication.  When Peg and her siblings were at home, the family had regular family meetings to talk about whatever issues there might be.

Dan came from a family where family members tended to be estranged from one another.  His parents each lead separate lives, having separate friendships and taking separate vacations.  Dan often wondered how his parents ever got together.  And certainly no one ever discussed their feelings.

So even though Dan could be gregarious and fun, he never learned how to talk about his feelings.  Even though he loved his wife and told her often, the thought of talking about his most vulnerable feelings was foreign and frightening to him.  He wasn't even sure if he knew himself what he lead him to begin texting a woman he met online.

One thing was clear:  He wanted to do whatever he could to save his marriage and regain Peg's trust.  He also denied any prior infidelity and he was adamant that he cut off communication with the other woman.

When I started meeting them as a couple, I facilitated their communication with one another.  At first, Dan struggled to identify his feelings and express them.

I asked each of them to keep a journal where they reflected on their feelings about the relationship.

Peg had kept a journal in the past, so this came more easily to her.

But Dan struggled more.  So, we had a few individual sessions where I worked with him to identity his emotions by focusing on his body.

Since the body holds onto emotions, including unconscious emotions, sensing into the body is a good way to identify what's going on (see my article:  The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

It's is a very individual process and the same sensations can be related to different emotions for different people.

After a few sessions, Dan was able to sense into his body and identify basic emotions:  If his stomach was tight, this meant that he was anxious.  A tightness in his arms meant that he was angry, and so on.

Gradually, over time, Dan was able to identify more emotions in a more nuanced way.

Along the way, Dan was able to open up more with Peg to express his feelings.  He was able to say, with some difficulty, that he had become bored in their relationship and he had initially thought that texting a woman he met online would relieve his boredom.  Now, he realized how shortsighted and damaging this had been.

Dan realized that what he had initially saw as a "harmless flirtation" online was a form of "acting out."  He also became aware that, like many other people, boredom put him at risk for wanting to "act out" and he needed to be more self aware and to communicate with Peg.

It wasn't easy for Peg to hear that Dan had become bored with their relationship, but she listened.  They were also able to talk about what they could do rekindle their relationship.

By the time they completed couples counseling, they were much closer.  They were communicating better.

They were also rebuilding trust, and they both expressed feeling hopeful about their relationship (see my article:  Learning to Trust Again After the Affair).

"Acting In" Instead of "Acting Out" in Your Relationship

A few months later, when they returned for a follow up appointment, they were much happier.  Rather than either of them "acting out," they were "acting in" by continuing to communicate with one another.

Conclusion
"Acting out" in a relationship, whether it involves infidelity or other breaches of trust, often occurs because one or both people lack self awareness.

If you grew up in a home where there was little or no communication, expressing emotions can feel foreign, uncomfortable and even dangerous.

Without self awareness about how you feel about yourself and your relationship, communication suffers and the relationship suffers.

If you're having difficulty identifying what you feel, the mind-body connection provides a way to discover your feelings.

"Acting in" means that, rather than looking for diversions outside of the relationship, you're addressing your problems within the relationship.

In this particular article, the couple decided to stay together, but many couples also decide to split up.  What's best for you is a very personal decision.

Reading an article where there is a summary of a composite case can make it seem like working out this type of problem is easy but, obviously, it's not.

Couples therapy can help you and your partner to learn to communicate and to strengthen your relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner are having problems in your relationship, don't wait until it's too late to salvage your relationship.

By seeking help with an experience mental health professional who works with couples, you can get the help you need to have a happier relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Learn to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship

In my prior articles,  The Importance of Active Listening and Are You Having Problems Communicating in Your Relationship?, I outlined some of the communication problems that couples often have in their relationship and the mistakes that they make that get in the way of effective communication.

As I mentioned in a prior article, it's a good idea, before criticizing your spouse, to take a look at your style of communication first to see if you're making some of the most common communication mistakes, which I outlined in that article.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

In order to clarify the issues that I discussed in my prior articles, I'll give a fictionalized scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed (to protect confidentiality).  This fictionalized scenario includes some of the common communication problems that couples have:

Sharon and Bill
Sharon and Bill came to couples counseling because, after five years of marriage, they were considering separating due to their frequent arguments.  When they weren't arguing, they often ignored each other and just coexisted in the same household.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

Sharon's complaint was that she felt that Bill didn't listen to her.  Bill responded that Sharon was too critical and she tended to bring up old problems that he felt they had already resolved, and this made him feel overwhelmed.

Sharon countered that she wouldn't feel it was necessary to keep bringing up old issues if the current issues didn't feel so much like the old issues.

After several minutes of each of them pointing their fingers at each other, I reminded them of one of the ground rules that we discussed at the beginning of the couples counseling session, which was that each of them would speak from his or her own experience rather than making accusations.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

After they each took deep breaths to calm down, I asked them to try an exercise:

Each one of them would take a turn in speaking from his or her own experience, without accusations.

The role of the person who was speaking was to get to the point without a long monologue and with as much compassion and empathy as he or she could muster for the other person and without accusations.   He or she had to communicate in a respectful way without using generalizations or speaking in a demeaning or manipulative way.

The role of the person listening was to listen actively--without interrupting.  As I mentioned in a prior article, active listening is an important skill that many people in relationships need to learn.

Active listening involves really hearing what the other person says and empathizing with the other person's point of view even if you don't agree with it.

In other words, you place yourself in the other person's shoes, if only for a few minutes, to try to understand the other person.  You focus completely on the other person. You're not waiting impatiently for the other person to stop talking so you can respond back.

Both roles, the role of the one speaking and the role of the one listening, can be challenging, especially if you and your spouse are stuck in certain negative communication habits.  But I think the role of listening actively is the most challenging because it's hard to put aside your own feelings sometimes, even for a moment, to consider your spouse's point of view, especially during a heated conversation.

Like many couples, Bill and Sharon had difficulty with this exercise and they needed a lot of practice.  Both of them felt frustrated and annoyed, and we needed to stop to help them focus on what the purpose of their seeking couples counseling was all about.

Was it more important to "win" the conversation by out talking or out maneuvering or was it more important to improve their relationship?

When each of them calmed down, they agreed that they wanted to improve their relationship because they each feared that it wouldn't last if it kept spiraling down the way that it had been.

I asked them to take turns at home practicing the exercise they learned in their couples counseling session.  I also asked each of them to keep a journal of their experiences in counseling and at home.

I also met with each of them individually for a session to find out if there was anything brewing under the surface that either of them were hesitant to talk about in the couples sessions.  

In addition, I used the individual sessions to get each of their family histories to see if there were any old family patterns that were repeating themselves in their relationship.

Fortunately, there weren't any issues that either of them wouldn't talk about in the couple sessions.  However, both Bill and Sharon were repeating patterns, without even realizing it, that their parents engaged in.

When we talked about the reoccurring patterns from one generation to the next, it was an eye-opening experience for both Sharon and Bill.  They were each both surprised and dismayed that they were repeating patterns that they disliked in each of their parents' marriages.

Of course, this is very common, but once people become aware of the patterns that they're repeating, they have an opportunity to change them (see my article:  Discovering that You've Developed the Same Traits that You Disliked in Your Parents).

There was no magic bullet for Bill and Sharon, but they made a commitment to change, they came regularly and they used the tools that they learned in couples counseling to improve their relationship.

Communicating Effectively in Your Relationship

Over time, they improved their communication and recommitted themselves to their relationship.

Changing Patterns in a Relationship is Challenging
Change can be challenging.

Change can be especially challenging if patterns in a relationship have become ingrained and they are part of a dynamic that is intergenerational.

When intergenerational patterns are involved in a relationship, not only is the couple in the room with the therapist but, figuratively speaking, their parents and, maybe, even their grandparents and great grandparents are "standing in the room" right behind them.

Being in an intimate relationship often brings up core issues in a way that usually doesn't happen with other relationships that aren't as close, which is another challenge.

Making changes in a relationship requires a commitment from each person to look at his or her own dynamic and a willingness to stick with couples counseling to improve their relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Counseling
Longstanding communication problems in a relationship don't get solved in a few sessions.  It takes time, patience and a lot of self compassion as well as compassion for your spouse to work through ingrained problems.

Unfortunately, too many couples wait until it's too late to get help.  By the time they come to couples counseling, there's been too much damage to their relationship and one or both of them wants out.

The chance for success in couples counseling is greater if the couple comes to counseling sooner rather than later.

If you and your spouse want to make changes in your relationship, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who has experience working with couples and who can help to facilitate positive change.

Don't wait until your problems become irreconcilable.  Get help from a couples therapist who can help you to have a happier, more meaningful relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Psychotherapy Blog: Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect If Your Relationship Survives

In a recent New York Times article by Anna North, Here's the Thing That Lasting Love is All About, she discussed how new research has determined that how you see your relationship--whether you see yourselves as "soul mates" or as two people "on a journey" who are facing obstacles and working together to overcome these obstacles--affects how you cope with problems in your relationship.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect if Your Relationship Survives

According to the research that Ms. North cites in her article, people who see themselves as "destined" to be together, or as some people call it,"soul mates," often don't work as hard as people who take the view that their relationship is like a journey with its inevitable ups and downs.

The research that she mentions indicates that people in a relationship where they see themselves as destined to be together often feel their so-called soul mate is the one and only person and the relationship should be "easy."

This type of thinking implies that when things go wrong, as they invariably do, they often question whether this is actually the person that they should be with rather than working on their problems.

People who see their relationship as being part of a journey usually understand that there will be good times, bad times and in between times, and they will need to work on their relationship when problems arise.

Using the metaphor of a journey, helps them to take the long view rather than assuming that destiny will make for an easy relationship.

In many ways, the research that Ms. North cites in her article confirms what I have observed in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC working with individual adults and couples.

In addition, problems arise when each person in the relationship has different perceptions about relationships.

The following is an example of two people in a relationship where one person thinks in terms of soul mates and destiny, and the other person sees relationships as a journey (as always, this example is a composite of many different cases with all identifying changed to protect confidentiality):

Ann and Bill:
During the first three months of their relationship, Ann and Bill were very happy together.  They met through their political volunteer work and hit it off immediately.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect If Your Relationship Survives

Bill had been in a couple of short relationships before that didn't work out.  But after he met Ann, he felt he understood why these prior relationships didn't work--because he was meant to be with Ann.  As far he was concerned, destiny brought them together and he saw Ann as being his soul mate.

Ann, who was a few years older than Bill, had been in a couple of long term relationships.  She had a different view of relationships.

Based on her prior her experience with relationships, she felt that after the initial stage of the relationship where everything is new and exciting, a couple will begin to confront issues that need to be worked on.  She considered her relationship with Bill to be new.

She knew they were still getting to know each other.  She also considered their relationship to be a long term process where they would deal with whatever issues came up along the way.

In their fourth month together, they got into an argument about how much time to spend together.  Until then, they were spending almost everyday together, and Ann was hardly seeing her friends.  When she told Bill that she wanted to have time to see her friends on her own, he didn't understand.

His feeling was that, since they were soul mates, they didn't need anyone else in their lives and they should be able to fulfill all of each other's needs.

So when Ann told him that she had certain interests that were important to her and that she knew weren't important to Bill, he began to question whether he and Ann should be together.

From Bill's point of view, soul mates shouldn't be having this type of problem:  The relationship should be easy and if they didn't see eye to eye about this, maybe they weren't meant to be together.

Bill's attitude upset Ann and she suggested that they start couples counseling.  But Bill wasn't sure that he believed in couples counseling.  He felt that if two people were meant to be together, they shouldn't need help from a therapist.

When he talked it over with his best friend, Andy, Bill was shocked to discover that Andy and his wife had been in couples counseling the year before for problems that they were having.

Bill always thought of Andy and Sally as being soul mates who were "perfect" for one another, so hearing that they attended couples counseling and worked through their differences challenged Bill's view of their relationship as well as relationships in general.

Andy encouraged Bill to keep an open mind and not look at relationships with such an "all or nothing" view.

Since Bill admired Andy and Sally, he decided to take his advice, even though it didn't feel right to him, and he agreed to attend couples counseling with Ann.

It took a few months in couples counseling before Bill became really open to seeing that relationships could be more complicated than he had imagined.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect if Your Relationship Survives

Even after he began to accept this, part of him still wanted to believe that relationships were either "meant to be" or not.  He was giving up a romantic ideal that he had held for all of his life.

Over time, as Bill and Ann continued in couples counseling and Bill talked to other people that he knew in relationships, he realized that no one that he knew had an "ideal" relationship.  Everyone who had been together for a while had issues that they had to work on.

Gradually, Bill and Ann worked out a compromise over time in therapy.  Bill came to see, reluctantly, that he couldn't fulfill all of Ann's needs and she couldn't fulfill all of his needs.

Although Bill was disappointed about this at first, he also realized that this took a lot of pressure off each of them as individuals as well as the relationship.

Ann and Bill worked out a compromise that allowed each of them to have time together, time with their friends, and down time where each of them had time to themselves.

Rather than seeing their relationship as being part of destiny, Bill began to feel good that they were each choosing to be together because they wanted to be rather than feeling that a force beyond them was controlling things.

Your Perspective About Relationships Can Affect If Your Relationship Will Survive

Also, the tools that each of them developed in couples counseling helped them in many other areas of their relationship.

Having a Lasting Relationship
Most people who have been in stable long term relationships will tell you that their longevity is due in large part to their flexibility, the compromises that they have each been willing to make, as well as taking the long view, in realistic terms (as opposed to idealizing relationships), about their relationship.

Having a Lasting Relationship

Most of them would say that there were bumps along the road, but they didn't see these bumps as problematic in themselves.

What is most important, most couples would say, is how they go about navigating the bumps.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many couples benefit from attending couples counseling to help them negotiate the challenges that come with any relationship after a while.

If you and your partner are having difficulties that the two of you have been unable to work out on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who can help you to develop the skills and tools to be happier in your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

Some Tips on Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

In my last article,  Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship, I began a discussion with a composite vignette about two people in a relationship, Ann and Jerry, who initially were very close in their relationship, even though they had very different temperaments.

Ann was an extrovert and Jerry was more of an introvert.

Initially, Ann and Jerry admired the qualities they saw in each other and felt was missing in themselves.  But, as time went on, they began to have arguments due to their conflicting temperaments.

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

While Jerry, who was a writer, was working hard to meet a publisher's deadline on his book, Ann began to feel resentful, as time went on, that Jerry wasn't joining her for social activities with their friends.  She tended to be gregarious and loved being around other people and having fun.

Jerry felt that Ann was being inconsiderate because she knew that he was under a lot of stress.  And Ann missed having Jerry at social events, especially when her friends were there with their partners.

Initially, each of them kept their feelings to themselves.  But the tension built up over time, and they had an argument that developed over a petty issue.   That's when the real, underlying issue, their conflicting temperaments, came to the surface and threatened their relationship (see my prior blog post).

After their argument, they had a couple of weeks where they were distant with one another.  Jerry stayed at home most of the time, and Ann spent more time going out with her friends.

When they were at home, they barely spoke to one another. Neither of them was happy with the tension between them, but they didn't know what to do.

Then, one day, they got into another argument when Ann brought up that her parents invited them over for dinner.  There was a moment of awkward silence, and then Jerry told Ann that he was too close to his deadline and he needed to stay at home to write.

Ann became angry and told Jerry that they hadn't seen her parents since Jerry began working on his book.  She asked him, "Can't you spare one night to go with me to my parents' house?"

When Jerry lowered his head to think for a moment about how to respond, Ann interpreted this gesture to mean that he was ignoring her.  She ran out of the apartment in tears telling him that she didn't know if she wanted to be in a relationship with him any more.

Jerry was stunned and he followed her out.

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

He said to Ann, "Look, I've been thinking about things.  Maybe we should see a couples counselor to get help.  What do you think?"

Although Jerry had been in therapy before, Ann had never seen a therapist.  She wasn't sure how she felt about it, but she knew that she and Jerry couldn't go on like this, so she agreed to go.

After listening to each of them, the couples counselor pointed out how they had very different temperaments and this seemed to be causing the conflict between them.

Neither Ann nor Jerry had thought of their problems in this way before, and it gave them each a lot to think about.

Both of them told the couples counselor that they were still in love and wanted to salvage their relationship.  But they just didn't know how.

The couples counselor helped them to learn relationship skills so that they could negotiate the differences related to their different temperaments.

Here are some of the relationship skills that they learned over time:

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments:

     Avoid Power Struggles Over Being "Right"
There are many conflicts where both people in the relationship are "right," so basing an argument with your partner on getting your way because you think you're "right" will won't settle an argument most of the time.

Avoid Power Struggles Over Being "Right"

In Jerry's and Ann's relationship, they were both "right" with regard to how each of them felt.

After months of Jerry spending most of his time working on the book instead of going out with Ann, Ann missed having Jerry with her at social events.  Jerry knew Ann liked going out, so he never told Ann not to go out and see her friends.  But Ann wanted him there with her.  Ann had a right to her feelings.

Jerry, who wasn't nearly as outgoing as Ann, felt that Ann was being unreasonable:  How could she expect him to go out parties, which he didn't always enjoy, and possibly miss the deadline for his book?  He felt that Ann wasn't being understanding about what he needed to do.  So, Jerry also had a right to his feelings.

When each of them looked at it this way in couples counseling, where they were calmer than when they tried to talk about it at home, they both acknowledged that it wasn't a matter of "right or wrong."

As they talked about it, each of them acknowledging the other's feelings, they began to relax with each other more.

     Focus on Behavior as Opposed to Making Personal Attacks
The couples counselor pointed out to each of them how they both engaged in personal attacks instead of focusing on behavior.

Focus on Behavior as Opposed to Making Personal Attacks

The couples counselor also pointed out that this only exacerbated their problems, and each one of them became more entrenched in his or her argument rather than working together to try to solve their problem.

     Negotiating Differences
The couples counselor told them that every couple has problems, and couples who have different temperaments can go through challenging times.  But this doesn't mean they can't negotiate their differences.

So, each week the couples counselor gave Ann and Jerry homework assignments to do related to negotiating their differences.  Ann expected Jerry to protest about the homework because of his book deadline, but Jerry wanted to save their relationship, so he agreed enthusiastically to work on these assignments, which made Ann happy.

Over time, both Ann and Jerry developed a greater sense of empathy for each other, which helped them to make compromises.  They struggled along the way, but each of them was more willing to find common ground rather than insisting that he or she was "right."

In couples counseling, they remembered what they liked about each other and what brought them together so they were able to rekindle their relationship.

With the help of the couples counselor, they were able to make compromises between staying home and going out socially.

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

Jerry realized that he was actually more productive when he took a break from his work to go out and have fun, and Ann realized that she could begin to appreciate staying home more and feeling close to Jerry, even when he was working.

Getting Help in Couples Counseling
Problems with negotiating conflict is a common issue in many relationships, so if you and your partner are having this problem, you're not alone.

The important thing is to get help before anger and resentment build to the point where the relationship is beyond repair.

An experienced psychotherapist who has expertise in working with couples can help you to learn the necessary relationship skills to negotiate conflict so that you can have a happier relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are Fantasies About Someone Else Distracting You From Your Relationship?

It's not unusual for people who are in relationships, especially long term relationships, to fantasize about other people.  But if you find that your fantasizes about someone else have been distracting you from your relationship with your spouse, it's time for you and your spouse to ask yourselves what's going on in your relationship (see my articles: Fantasizing About Someone Else During Sex and The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

Are Fantasies About Someone Else Distracting You From Your Relationship?

The old saying that "the grass always seems greener on the other side" is especially apropos when it comes to fantasizing about another woman or another man.  

In your fantasies about someone else, they're always just the way you want them to be:  always loving, sexy, infinitely patient, kind and understanding.  In your fantasy, the another person (like a coworker) might seem perfect for you.  

Fantasizing About a Coworker?  The Grass Always Looks Greener

Meanwhile, the reality might be completely different, and no one can live up to an idealized romantic fantasy.

The Reality Might Be Completely Different From Your Fantasy

While these fantasies might provide a temporary relief from whatever boredom or frustration you might feel in your relationship, if you find yourself spending more and more time engaged in the fantasies about someone else and not paying attention to your relationship, your relationship will eventually suffer.

Some Tips on What to Do If Fantasies About Someone Else Are Distracting You From Your Relationship:

Be Aware

Developing an awareness about how much time you're spending fantasizing about someone else is the first step.  

It's possible that, when you first began fantasizing about someone outside of your relationship, these fantasies were only occasional and weren't taking away from your relationship with your spouse.

But if you find yourself spending more and more time with your thoughts focused on someone else, you need to admit this to yourself and recognize it as a sign that there's a problem.

Don't Get Carried Away With Your Fantasies

If you don't know the other person well (or, maybe, not at all), don't allow yourself to get carried away with your fantasies about "how wonderful" it would be between you.  

Although it might be exciting at first, eventually you'd be dealing with the reality of day-to-day living where the two of you would have to deal with who will clean the bathroom and who will take out the garbage.  That's life.

Ask Yourself What You Feel is Missing in Your Relationship

Are you feeling bored or frustrated because you and your spouse are in a temporary rut or are the problems longstanding?

Be honest with yourself:  No relationship is exciting all the time.  So if the problems are temporary rather than longstanding, be patient and think about how you and your spouse can get through this period of time.

But if you sense that you're distracted from your relationship due to a steady decline emotional or sexual intimacy (or both) that's missing in your relationship, obviously, that's a more serious problem.

Take a Look at Yourself First

Often, people in relationships are all too willing to blame their spouse or partner before they look at themselves.  So, before you blame your spouse, look at yourself first.

Fantasizing About Someone Else?  Take a Look at Yourself First Before You Blame Your Spouse

Be willing to ask yourself if what's missing from your relationship is you.

If, after thinking about the state of your relationship, you realize you haven't been as attentive as you used to be, ask yourself why and what you can do to change.

Communicate With Your Spouse or Partner

Although you can't make assumptions before you talk to your spouse, you might not be the only one who is feeling bored or distracted.

Be tactful.

Don't tell your spouse that you're consumed with thoughts about someone else.  This would be hurtful to hear and it won't improve things between you.

Ask your spouse how s/he is feeling and if there are ways the two of you can enhance your relationship.

Remember What Brought the Two of You Together in the Early Stage of Your Relationship

It's easy to forget, especially in long-term relationships, what brought the two of you together in the early stages in your relationship.  

When I'm seeing a couple in my psychotherapy private practice in NYC, I can tell a lot about how the couple talks about the early days of their relationship.  If talking about the early days brings a smile to each of their faces and they gaze at each other warmly, there's usually hope that the relationship can be salvaged.  But if they gloss over the early romantic period or, worse, if neither of them can remember it, that's usually a bigger a problem.

Stuck in a Routine? Make Changes

Are you and your spouse stuck in too much of a routine?

While some routines are hard to change, there is probably room for change in certain areas of your life.

For instance, you and your spouse can probably make some changes in your love life or your social life.

So, if your lovemaking has become boring and predictable, talk to your spouse about how to spice it up.  Maybe you have a particular fantasy (maybe it's even one of the fantasies you've thought about with the other person) that you'd like to try with your spouse.  Talk to your spouse about it.

Sometimes, even making small changes can make a big difference.  Changes to your love life don't need to involve acrobatics or swinging from the chandelier.  It can be as simple as adding a little more sensuality to your lovemaking, like giving (or receiving) a massage.

Not Sure If You Want to Remain in the Relationship?

If you're really not sure if you want to remain in the relationship, this is a more serious problem.

Whether you're on the fence about the relationship or you know you want to end your relationship, you and your spouse could benefit from talking to a couples counselor.

While it's probably fairly obvious how you could benefit from seeing a couples counselor when you're not sure if you want to stay or go, it might not be as obvious why you would see a couples counselor if you're sure the relationship is over.  

When people ask me about this, I usually tell them that, even if the relationship is over, this person once meant a lot to you and there are better ways to end a relationship than ending it with bitterness and anger.

A couples counselor can help you to be your "better selves" rather than ending the relationship with animosity. 

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're having problems in your relationship, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

Problems are usually easier to deal with earlier rather than later, so if you and your spouse or partner are having problems, don't wait.  Get help.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships - Lies of Omission

In prior blog posts about couples counseling, I've explored the topic of trust with regard to infidelity in relationships. This is one important aspect of mistrust in relationships. In this blog post, I would like to explore another aspect of trust and mistrust that I see as a NYC therapist who works with individuals and couples, specifically the topic of "lies of omission."

When Trust Breaks Down in Relationships: Lies of Omission

When we talk about trust, generally, we recognize that, in most cases, there are degrees of trust rather than either total trust or total mistrust, and this can change over time in a relationship.

We also recognize that when trust is an issue in a relationship, like most other issues, the individuals' family histories are often a contributing factor as to how the issue plays out and how it affects the current relationship.

A composite vignette should help to illustrate these points. As always, composite vignettes are representative of numerous cases and do not violate confidentiality:

Sandy and Tom:
When Sandy and Tom came to see me for marriage counseling, they were married for three years. Both of them were accomplished professionals in their 30s.  It was the first marriage for both of them.

The main issue that brought them into marriage counseling was that Sandy felt she could not trust Tom at times. They both agreed there were no issues of infidelity.

The main problem seemed to be that, over time, Sandy detected a recurring pattern where Tom deliberately withheld certain information from her about an insignificant aspect of whatever topic he was discussing.

Her concern was more about the recurring pattern of deliberately not telling her certain things and not about the particular piece of information that he left out. She was completely confused and hurt about Tom's lies of omission.

Tom acknowledged that he often felt a compelling urge to withhold information from Sandy. He agreed with Sandy that, when each example was looked at by itself, it didn't seem significant. However, when looked at as a pattern of his communication with Sandy, it raised a "red flag." He seemed to be just as baffled by his behavior as Sandy was, and he wanted to change this pattern.

Lies of Omission: Tom acknowledged that he felt a compelling urge to withhold information from Sally

To illustrate her point, Sandy gave numerous examples. Each of them seemed to be of no particular importance, except when looked at together as a pattern.

A typical example was when Tom told Sandy about a business dinner and discussed each person in detail--except one. He never mentioned that person at all. There was nothing particularly significant about this one person's attendance at the meeting, and Sandy had no reason to be concerned about this person.

What was significant was that Tom felt the need, as he often did, to withhold a particular piece of information from Sandy.

He acknowledged that he had deliberately withheld this information, and if he had not withheld this particular piece of information, he would have withheld some other insignificant piece of information.

Usually, later on, whatever Tom had omitted would come to light in some other way, and Sandy would be confused about why Tom had not told her.

Exploration of Tom's background revealed that both of his parents were loving and nurturing towards him, but they were also highly intrusive. As a child, Tom was not allowed to close the door to his room because his parents wanted to be able to see what he was doing at any given time.

As a result, Tom felt he had no privacy until he moved out to go to college. Tom had never thought much about this before but, as we continued to explore his family background, he traced back his pattern of engaging in lies of omission to the time he was about 10 or 11 years old.

Over time, as we continued to discuss this in marriage counseling, Tom realized that he resented his parents' intrusiveness and he compensated for it, without realizing it, by finding ways to withhold certain information from them.

Unconsciously, he found a way to preserve certain things for himself that he did not want to share with them. None of the things that he kept from them were significant--it was more the idea that he could have something for himself that his parents could not intrude upon.

Realizing this was a major breakthrough for Tom and it served as a starting point to change his pattern of communication with Sandy. And, once Sandy understood more fully how his parents' intrusiveness affected him, she felt a lot more compassion for Tom, and she became more patient.

When looked at from the perspective of a young boy who felt relentlessly impinged upon by his parents, you could begin to understand how Tom would develop an unconscious pattern of withholding information.

As a child, he didn't have the ability to stop his parents from being intrusive or to communicate his discomfort to them or to cope with it in other ways. As a result, he did the only thing he knew how to do to preserve a sense of privacy for himself.

So, what started out as a way to cope with intrusive parents developed into a maladaptive form of communication with his wife. And since his wife was not an intrusive person, in reality, Tom had no reason to continue this pattern, but it had become habitual.

Although it took a while for Tom to feel "safe" enough to be more open with Sandy, eventually, he did learn to stop engaging in lies of omission, and this significantly improved the relationship.

Tom Was Able to Change His Pattern of Lying After He Worked Through Childhood Issues

An Excuse to Lie?
Reading this vignette, some people might think that Tom used his family background as a convenient excuse to be withholding with Sandy.

However, as a psychotherapist in the room with a client who is describing the pain and feelings of powerlessness of never having privacy as a child and feeling constantly intruded upon by well-meaning but intrusive parents, I have a clear sense that this type of family background can have a profound effect on a child.

It's not a matter of condoning this behavior, but of understanding the origins of it. And the unconscious patterns that we develop as children often don't disappear automatically when we become adults. Often, we carry these patterns into our adult relationships where they have adverse effects.

Without understanding the significance of how certain patterns develop and just looking at these circumstances on the surface, many people might say, "Why doesn't he just get over it?"

However, often, once the roots of the problem are traced back, we can see the complexity of the problem more clearly.

So, rather than looking at it in terms of someone making convenient excuses for his problem, it becomes a starting point for understanding the problem and it often contains the key for the resolution.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner struggle with similar issues in your relationship, you could benefit from attending couples therapy with a licensed mental health professional to overcome these problems.

About Me
I am a NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing who works with with individual adults and couples. I have helped many individuals and couples to lead more fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.