Tips on Getting Along as a Couple During the COVID-19 Crisis

Although being alone and feeling lonely during the COVID-19 crisis is challenging, being in a relationship where you're both staying in your home for long periods of time together can also be challenging (see my article: The Challenge of Keeping Small Arguments From Becoming Big Arguments and Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart).

The sudden shift to all day/all night togetherness can put even the best relationship under a strain (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the Pandemic, Common Reactions to the Crisis: Fear and Anxiety and Grieving Losses During the Crisis).

Tips on Getting Alone as a Couple During the COVID-19 Crisis

Depending upon the relationship, couples are responding differently, but most couples are finding it difficult to deal with the shift to being around each other all the time.

Some couples that were already experiencing a strain in their relationship before the pandemic are finding it even more stressful to be around each other.  Other couples have put aside their differences for now to focus on what they need to do to get through the current crisis.

Many couples will go through different experiences at different times.  Couples that are getting along now might not get along well over time due to the ongoing strain of the crisis and vice versa.

It's not unusual for individuals in a relationship to want different things with regard to time together vs time apart, and this is especially true now (see my article: Learning to Compromise About Time Together vs Time Apart).

In addition, when you live together, there are always other issues that need negotiating.

Whether you're currently having problems in your relationship or not, it's a good idea to anticipate and be prepared for possible problems before they occur.

Potential Problems For Couples During the Pandemic:
With the pandemic, there can be unique issues to deal with that affect the health and well-being of both people, including:

• What to Do If One Person Gets the Coronavirus:
• In the event that one person becomes infected, both people will need to decide how to handle this.  
• The dilemma is that the person who is sick would probably need help to get through the illness. But the uninfected person would be fearful of getting the virus.
• A consultation with your doctor is best.  

• Whether to Stay in NYC or Leave Temporarily to Go to a Second Home (if possible)
• Each person might have different feelings about whether to stay or leave, if they're fortunate enough to have a second home that they can go to temporarily. 
• One person might prefer to stay in New York City and the other person might prefer to leave. They will have to negotiate and might need to compromise about this. 

• How Much Space and Privacy to Give Your Partner
• Different people need varying degrees of alone time. Some people like to be with their partner most if not all the time.  
• If their partner doesn't feel that way, the person who wants to be together most or all the time can feel rejected.  
• Other people need their own space and privacy to have a sense of well-being.  
• If you're living in an apartment that's large enough, this can often be negotiated.  But most New York City apartments aren't large so both people might feel too confined in a small space.

• How to Negotiate Childcare Responsibilities 
• If a couple is accustomed to normally having childcare either in a daycare or with an nanny whose services are no longer available, they need to figure out how to negotiate childcare responsibilities. 
• Older children will, obviously, still need parental care and guidance, but they can be more independent.
• Younger children will need more time and attention, including help with online schoolwork.
• Will each parent can take turns and give the other parent a break? Will they divide up the tasks or come up with some other way?
• If a couple already has differences in terms of childrearing, going through this health crisis can highlight those differences and make things worse.

• Differences in Cleaning Standards Around the Home 
• Many couples already have differences to negotiate around cleaning standards.  One peron might be neater and want to clean more often, and the other person might be a lot more relaxed about it.  
• With the current health crisis, there can also be issues around what and how much to disinfect.

• Whether to Go to the Grocery Store or Order Grocery Online (if possible)
• Most people are trying to minimize their time outdoors, so one person might prefer to order grocery online and the other might prefer to go to the store.  
• The person who wants to order online might have concerns about his/her coming into contact with other people in the grocery store as well as having concerns about the partner's exposure to others.

• Whether to Order Takeout
• This issue is similar to whether or not to go to the grocery store.  
• Some people prefer not to cook.  Others feel safer cooking their own food.

• Whether to Wear Masks Outside or Not (the latest recommendations from the CDC as of the writing of this article)
• There has been some recent confusion about this.  Originally, people in the US were told that there was no need to wear a mask.  Now CDC is recommending the wearing of masks, but they're not mandating it.
• One person might feel strongly that wearing a mask is important, while the other person might not want to wear a mask.  This creates a potential problem because the person who feels strongly about a mask might worry that the partner who doesn't want to wear a mask is putting each of them at risk.

• How to Have Quality Time, Fun and Socialize While Practicing Social Distancing
• Couples who are accustomed to socializing in person with friends and loved ones might feel at a loss about how to socialize with the new requirement for social distancing.  
• One partner might enjoy socializing online and the other partner might not.

And so on.

Tips on Getting Along as a Couple During the Pandemic
There are no right answers to the dilemmas that couples face during the pandemic, but here are some tips that might help, which will require some flexibility, compromise and negotiation:

• Create a Routine and Structure Your Day
• Since both of your routines have been upended, it's important for a couple to come up with a rough schedule for how they will spend their days.  
• Each person might have different needs, so that will need to be taken into account.

• Make Time For Alone Time
• Make time for time apart to work, nap, talk to friends on the phone or online, read, meditate, watch a program the other person doesn't like or engage in other solo activities.  
• Try to be respectful of your partner's need for time apart so that when you come together again you'll feel ready to be in each other's company.

• Learn to Communicate With Each Other Effectively 
• Over time, nerves can get frayed.  One or both of you is bound to either get inpatient or lose your temper.  Expect it (see my article: Learn How to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship). 
• Learn how to take responsibility for your words and behavior and make amends with your partner as soon as you can.  
• Pick your battles.  
• Don't argue over small issues.  It's better to let some things go sometimes rather than arguing about them.
• Tell your partner if you need time to regroup after an argument. 
• It's not unusual for one person to want to work things out immediately and for the other person to need time to cool off first.  
• If you're the person who wants to work things out immediately, recognize that if your partner isn't ready to do it and you push to do it, you'll probably continue to argue, and your partner will resent you.  
• If you're the person who needs time to cool down before you talk, let your partner know about how long you'll need so it doesn't feel endless to them, and don't stonewall (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).
• Remember to express your love and gratitude to your partner (see my article: The Importance of Expressing Gratitude To Your Spouse).

• Find Meaningful Ways to Connect
• One of the biggest complaints that couples often have under normal circumstances is that they barely see each other during the week because of their busy work schedules and then on weekends they feel too exhausted.
• If you have more time now, talk to your partner about how you would like to spend your time together in a way that's meaningful and enjoyable.
• This could include:
• Spending more time having sex and discovering new things that you both want to do sexually, possibly including a willingness to explore new ways of being together and enjoying each other sexually.
• Redecorating your home
• Learning a new game
• Learning a new language together
• Talking about future plans, including travel plans when it's safe to travel again 
• Reading aloud to each other
• Listening to a podcast together
• Watching a movie you've always wanted to see

And so on.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy
Despite your best efforts, you and your partner might find that getting along during the pandemic
highlights problems that you've had all along that you've never dealt with before.

Even if you got along well before, the stresses and strains involved with too much time together at home, a change in your routine, the loss of things you used to do outside, and the unknowns involved with the pandemic and economy are threatening your relationship.

If you can't work things out on your own, rather than watching the demise of your relationship, you could benefit from atending couples therapy.

Many therapists, including me, are providing individual and couples therapy online (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) while they're out of their offices (see my article: The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Rather than allowing your problems to destroy your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.  It could save your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP,  Somatic Experiencing and Emotionally Focused therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have worked with individual adults and couples for over 20 years.

I'm providing online therapy (also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth) during the pandemic.

Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) is the therapy I use to work with couples. EFT is one of the best effective and well-researched therapy to help couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Marriage: Are You Expecting Too Much From Your Spouse?

People are relying much more on their spouses these days to fulfill all their needs, which puts a strain  on the relationship and can lead to the demise of the marriage.  If you're having problems in your marriage due to possible unrealistic expectations, you might want to ask yourself if you're expecting too much from your spouse, which is the subject of this article (see my article: Relationships: Your Spouse Can't Meet All Your Needs, When Love Doesn't Conquer All and Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Marriage: Are You Expecting Too Much From Your Spouse?

Spouses With Unrealistic Expectations: Your Spouse Can't Meet All Your Needs
Over the years, I've seen many couples in my psychotherapy practice in New York City who love each other and want to make their marriages work, but one or both of them have unrealistic expectations.

When these expectations aren't met, the spouse with the expectations often feels angry and resentful.  The spouse who is being blamed for not living up to expectations can feel pressured by the demands and resentful that s/he is being held responsible for the problems in the marriage.

Traditional marriage vows include cherishing your spouse, remaining in sickness and health and for richer or poorer.  Those used to be the expectations people had when they entered into a marriage.  But now many couples expect, in addition to those expectations, that their spouses will make them feel emotionally fulfilled, attractive, successful, competent, and help them to grow psychologically.

This would be a tall order for several people to fulfill, but to expect one person to fulfill all these needs is too much pressure and can lead to an erosion of the marriage.

I think most people, who have unrealistic expectations, don't realize how much pressure they place on their spouses because they haven't stopped to think about it.  They might be focused on one aspect of their expectations at any given time and not think about all the other demands that they've made.

Complicating all of this is that so many people see less of close friendships and family members after they get married and rely solely on their spouses for all their needs.

Whereas before these other relationships probably fulfilled them to a certain degree emotionally, intellectually and perhaps creatively, now they expect their spouses to fill all these roles.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized vignette which illustrates the typical dynamics in a marriage where too much is being demanded of the spouse:

Fictional Vignette: Are You Expecting Too Much From Your Spouse?

Nina and Dan
Two years into their marriage, Nina and Dan began couples counseling because they were constantly arguing (see my article: Starting Couples Counseling).

When they first started dating five years before, they enjoyed each other's company and hardly ever argued.  They had a passionate relationship and enjoyed similar interests.  But after two years of marriage, they were each questioning whether they made a mistake by getting married.

Nina complained that Dan used to make her feel attractive, intelligent and fun to be around.  But after two years of marriage, she felt that he hardly ever complimented her and no longer made her feel special.

She also complained that they were no longer having as much sex as they used to have before they got married, and there were times when the sex felt boring rather than how passionate it used to feel while they were dating.

Nina also resented that Dan took less interest in her personal growth, whereas before he spent time encouraging her and making suggestions on how she could grow as a person.  All of this made Nina feel lonely, sad and angry.

Dan fumed that he was currently working 80 hours or more a week at his law firm, and he was often exhausted, "The last thing I want to hear when I come home exhausted is that I'm not living up to Nina's expectations.  I love her, but I can't take all her demands.  She used to see more of her friends and her sisters, who were emotionally supportive of her, but she hardly sees them now.  She expects me to be everything to her.  But I can't be everything.  She doesn't understand that."

Nina acknowledged that she used to spend more time with her sisters and friendships, but she thought once she got married, Dan would fulfill her needs.  She said she knew he came home exhausted and she didn't want to pile on a bunch of complaints, but she felt increasingly unhappy and she didn't know what to do.

As Nina and Dan began to work on their problems in therapy, Nina came to see just how much she was expecting from Dan and that she needed to reconnect with friends and family to get some of her needs met.  For his part, Dan acknowledged that he could cut back on his work hours to spend more time with Nina.

Over time, they were able to discuss in couples therapy what each of them could reasonably expect from the other.  Nina spent more time with her friends who met many of her needs.  She also spent more time with her sisters, who were emotionally supportive and fun to be around.  She realized how much she missed these relationships once she reconnected with them.

Dan was able to cut back on the hours he worked so he could come home and spend more time with Nina.  Once she stopped criticizing him, he also felt more open to her emotionally and sexually.

Nina also realized in couples therapy that, after a while, sex isn't as passionate as it was during the early stage of the relationship, but it could be more emotionally fulfilling. Together Dan and Nina planned special evenings together to revive their emotional and sexual intimacy.

As they got closer, Nina told their couples therapist that prior to coming to couples counseling, she didn't realize that she was piling all these demands on Dan.  But after talking about it in their therapy, she realized that it would have been too much for any one person.  She was also happier to be reconnected with friends and family and to discover that some her needs could be met in these relationships.

Marriage: Are You Expecting Too Much From Your Spouse?

Dan said he was now pleased to come home to Nina.  After she reconnected with family and friends, he felt a weight was lifted from him and he no longer felt like "a bad husband."  He was glad that Nina no longer saw him as failing in their marriage.

Conclusion
Generally, people have greater expectations these days that they will have all of their needs met in their marriage.  This is especially true if one or both people in the marriage have given up other important emotional connections with family and friends who met some of those needs.

It's important for each person to be open and to discuss what they want from their spouse and what they each can reasonably do (see my articles: Are You Too Afraid to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering You?  and How to Communicate More Effectively in Your Relationship).

Becoming aware of what you're demanding of your spouse is the first step in resolving this problem.  Each of you needs to be able to listen to and respect what the other person has to say, even when it's difficult to hear.

Once you've become aware of your spouse's feelings, you both have an opportunity to renegotiate your expectations.  This might mean that you don't get everything that you want or need, but you might have a happier marriage.  Also, consider the importance of maintaining connections with supportive family and friends.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you've gotten to a point in your marriage where you can no longer communicate with each other without your discussion devolving into an argument, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist (see my articles  Relationships: When Expressing Your Feelings Turns Into Verbal Abuse and The Benefits of Therapy).

Choose a licensed mental health professional that you both feel comfortable with and who has experiencing helping couples with your issues (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Getting help to discuss what you would like and how you can renegotiate your relationship could save your marriage and help you both to feel more fulfilled.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.

Fear of Intimacy Can Lead to Fault-Finding Which Destroys Relationships

In a prior article, Relationships: Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable, I discussed the topic of fear of intimacy in relationships.  

To continue the topic of fear of intimacy, I'm focusing on a particular manifestation of this fear, which is when one or both partners engage in fault-finding as a way of creating emotional distance in a relationship.

Fault-Finding Can Destroy a Relationship

People who are fearful of emotional intimacy are often unaware of it.  They can enter into a relationship  and seem committed during the heady early stages of falling in love.  

But, with time, as the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate and their core issues about intimacy come up, fear sets in.  At that point, many people will begin to find "faults" with their partner, which can destroy a relationship.

When I refer to "faults" in these cases, I'm not referring to major problems like physical or emotional abuse or substance abuse.  Instead, I'm referring to petty issues that, when compared to everything else about the partner, might be annoying to some people but become magnified out of proportion.

In other words, the fault-finding is blown out of proportion, and it is an unconscious strategy to create emotional distance because of a fear of intimacy.

What Does Fault-Finding Look Like in a Relationship?
Here are some examples:

• Recurring negative thoughts about petty issues relating to the partner

• Expressions of criticism, blame and resentment where the person who is engaging in fault-finding actively criticizes and belittles the partner about small issues

• Sudden expressions of doubt about the partner and the relationship based on petty issues where there was no doubt before

• Bringing up old arguments and petty issues and re-arguing them

And so on

The partner, who is on the receiving end of the negativity about petty issues, is often taken by surprise by the complaints.

Fault-Finding Can Destroy a Relationship

Partners, who are more psychological-minded, might detect a false note in the criticism, especially if it seems to come from nowhere, and sense that their partner has underlying issues that are at the root of the fault-finding.

But if neither person realizes that the fault-finding is an unconscious strategy to ward off emotional vulnerability, the couple could get stuck in an endless cycle of arguments and hurt feelings until the relationship becomes too toxic and one or both people want to end it.

What Are Some of the Petty Issues That Are Part of Fault-Finding?
There are countless petty issues that are used as part of fault-finding and most of them are issues that were non-issues before, including:

• A critical view of a particular aspect of the partner's anatomy ("her nose is too big," "his penis is too small," "her big feet are ugly," "he's too short," etc.)

• A sudden dislike for a partner's habit ("I don't like the way he eats," "I don't like the way she laughs," "I can't be in a relationship with someone who throws his socks on the floor")

• A sudden change of view about something that seemed endearing and now seems annoying ("I used to like the way she crinkled her nose when she laughed, but now I think it's annoying," "I used to like his sheepish grin, but now it irritates me")

What to Do If You're on the Receiving End of Fault-Finding

Being on the receiving end of fault-finding can be very hurtful and, in the long run, it can erode your self esteem, especially if you believe the criticism.  

This isn't to say that you should never listen to your partner when s/he expresses things that s/he finds annoying.  

Fault-Finding Can Destroy a Relationship

But when you sense that you're suddenly on the receiving end of criticism or contempt for small issues and there might be more going on for your partner than s/he realizes, here are some tips that might help:

• Recognize that your partner probably doesn't realize that s/he is finding fault as a defense mechanism that usually comes out of fear and his or her actions are probably unconscious.

• Don't retaliate by criticizing your partner to get even.  This will only make the situation worse.

• Talk to your partner about the way that his or her criticism is affecting you and how you feel it is affecting the relationship.

• Address fears of vulnerability (both yours and your partner's) and what each of you can do to make the relationship feel safer.
• If your partner refuses to get help in therapy, seek help for yourself to deal with the negative impact the criticism is having on you.

What to Do If You're the One Who is Engaging in Fault-Finding?

Being able to take a moment to step back and reflect on what you're doing can save you and your partner a lot of heartache.  

It's not unusual to feel vulnerable as you and your partner develop a deeper, more intimate relationship.  But if you're unconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship because you're afraid of getting closer, you're doing damage to your partner, your relationship and yourself.

Fault-Finding Can Destroy a Relationship

Here are some tips that might help:

• Take some time alone to think about these so-called "faults" that never bothered you before and that now loom large in your mind.  

• Use journal writing as a way to sort out your feelings and reflect on them.

• Put those "faults" in perspective in the context of the totality of who you know your partner to be and the relationship as a whole.  

• How do these "faults" compare to what you value in your partner and in the relationship?

• Are you repeating a pattern that you internalized as a child from your family?

• Listen to what your partner tells you about how s/he experiences the criticism.

Ask yourself if you're willing to destroy the relationship by continually criticizing your partner.

Getting Help in Therapy

Many people who recognize that they're engaging in fault-finding want to stop, but they don't know how.  

Their fear of intimacy is so great that fault-finding is the only way they know how to create enough emotional distance for them to feel safe, so they keep doing it--even when they know it will destroy the relationship and they don't want the relationship to end.

If you recognize these traits in yourself and you've been unable to stop on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you get to the root of the problem and develop other strategies for overcoming your fear of intimacy.

Before you destroy an otherwise good relationship, get help so that you can overcome your fear and you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Some Tips on Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

In my last article,  Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship, I began a discussion with a composite vignette about two people in a relationship, Ann and Jerry, who initially were very close in their relationship, even though they had very different temperaments.

Ann was an extrovert and Jerry was more of an introvert.

Initially, Ann and Jerry admired the qualities they saw in each other and felt was missing in themselves.  But, as time went on, they began to have arguments due to their conflicting temperaments.

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

While Jerry, who was a writer, was working hard to meet a publisher's deadline on his book, Ann began to feel resentful, as time went on, that Jerry wasn't joining her for social activities with their friends.  She tended to be gregarious and loved being around other people and having fun.

Jerry felt that Ann was being inconsiderate because she knew that he was under a lot of stress.  And Ann missed having Jerry at social events, especially when her friends were there with their partners.

Initially, each of them kept their feelings to themselves.  But the tension built up over time, and they had an argument that developed over a petty issue.   That's when the real, underlying issue, their conflicting temperaments, came to the surface and threatened their relationship (see my prior blog post).

After their argument, they had a couple of weeks where they were distant with one another.  Jerry stayed at home most of the time, and Ann spent more time going out with her friends.

When they were at home, they barely spoke to one another. Neither of them was happy with the tension between them, but they didn't know what to do.

Then, one day, they got into another argument when Ann brought up that her parents invited them over for dinner.  There was a moment of awkward silence, and then Jerry told Ann that he was too close to his deadline and he needed to stay at home to write.

Ann became angry and told Jerry that they hadn't seen her parents since Jerry began working on his book.  She asked him, "Can't you spare one night to go with me to my parents' house?"

When Jerry lowered his head to think for a moment about how to respond, Ann interpreted this gesture to mean that he was ignoring her.  She ran out of the apartment in tears telling him that she didn't know if she wanted to be in a relationship with him any more.

Jerry was stunned and he followed her out.

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

He said to Ann, "Look, I've been thinking about things.  Maybe we should see a couples counselor to get help.  What do you think?"

Although Jerry had been in therapy before, Ann had never seen a therapist.  She wasn't sure how she felt about it, but she knew that she and Jerry couldn't go on like this, so she agreed to go.

After listening to each of them, the couples counselor pointed out how they had very different temperaments and this seemed to be causing the conflict between them.

Neither Ann nor Jerry had thought of their problems in this way before, and it gave them each a lot to think about.

Both of them told the couples counselor that they were still in love and wanted to salvage their relationship.  But they just didn't know how.

The couples counselor helped them to learn relationship skills so that they could negotiate the differences related to their different temperaments.

Here are some of the relationship skills that they learned over time:

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments:

     Avoid Power Struggles Over Being "Right"
There are many conflicts where both people in the relationship are "right," so basing an argument with your partner on getting your way because you think you're "right" will won't settle an argument most of the time.

Avoid Power Struggles Over Being "Right"

In Jerry's and Ann's relationship, they were both "right" with regard to how each of them felt.

After months of Jerry spending most of his time working on the book instead of going out with Ann, Ann missed having Jerry with her at social events.  Jerry knew Ann liked going out, so he never told Ann not to go out and see her friends.  But Ann wanted him there with her.  Ann had a right to her feelings.

Jerry, who wasn't nearly as outgoing as Ann, felt that Ann was being unreasonable:  How could she expect him to go out parties, which he didn't always enjoy, and possibly miss the deadline for his book?  He felt that Ann wasn't being understanding about what he needed to do.  So, Jerry also had a right to his feelings.

When each of them looked at it this way in couples counseling, where they were calmer than when they tried to talk about it at home, they both acknowledged that it wasn't a matter of "right or wrong."

As they talked about it, each of them acknowledging the other's feelings, they began to relax with each other more.

     Focus on Behavior as Opposed to Making Personal Attacks
The couples counselor pointed out to each of them how they both engaged in personal attacks instead of focusing on behavior.

Focus on Behavior as Opposed to Making Personal Attacks

The couples counselor also pointed out that this only exacerbated their problems, and each one of them became more entrenched in his or her argument rather than working together to try to solve their problem.

     Negotiating Differences
The couples counselor told them that every couple has problems, and couples who have different temperaments can go through challenging times.  But this doesn't mean they can't negotiate their differences.

So, each week the couples counselor gave Ann and Jerry homework assignments to do related to negotiating their differences.  Ann expected Jerry to protest about the homework because of his book deadline, but Jerry wanted to save their relationship, so he agreed enthusiastically to work on these assignments, which made Ann happy.

Over time, both Ann and Jerry developed a greater sense of empathy for each other, which helped them to make compromises.  They struggled along the way, but each of them was more willing to find common ground rather than insisting that he or she was "right."

In couples counseling, they remembered what they liked about each other and what brought them together so they were able to rekindle their relationship.

With the help of the couples counselor, they were able to make compromises between staying home and going out socially.

Negotiating Conflicting Temperaments in Your Relationship

Jerry realized that he was actually more productive when he took a break from his work to go out and have fun, and Ann realized that she could begin to appreciate staying home more and feeling close to Jerry, even when he was working.

Getting Help in Couples Counseling
Problems with negotiating conflict is a common issue in many relationships, so if you and your partner are having this problem, you're not alone.

The important thing is to get help before anger and resentment build to the point where the relationship is beyond repair.

An experienced psychotherapist who has expertise in working with couples can help you to learn the necessary relationship skills to negotiate conflict so that you can have a happier relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Telltale Signs That You and Your Spouse Are Growing Apart

As a psychotherapist in New York City, one of the most common responses that I get when I ask clients what caused their relationship to end is: "We grew apart."

Relationships:  Are You and Your Partner Growing Apart?

Often, people tell me this and they don't really understand what happened and why they grew apart.  Most of the time, it seems to be a gradual process where the two individuals in the relationship slowly start to spend less time together and, when they're together, they're not as engaged with each other as they once were.

What Are Some of the Signs That You and Your Spouse Might Be Growing Apart?

There's a Decrease in Your Sexual and Emotional Intimacy
There's an old saying, "Sex is the first thing that goes" and, generally, this is usually the case with many relationships where people grow apart from each other.

While it's usually true that people are less sexual after the first year or two, if a decrease in sexual intimacy gets to the point where you and your spouse's sexual life is almost non-existent, this is usually a sign that the two of you are growing apart.

Aside from sexual intimacy, when people in a relationship grow apart, there's often a decrease in emotional intimacy.  You're not sharing your feelings with each other as much as you used to do.

There are so many distractions, TV, cellphones, iPads, and so on, that it's easy to distract yourself from your partner by getting immersed in these distractions instead of paying attention to your spouse (see my article: Relationships: The Importance of Unplugging From Electronic Gadgets to Spend Quality Time Together .

The Two of You Are Spending Less Time Together
This is related to a decrease in sexual and emotional intimacy.  Often this happens because the individuals in the relationship are bored with each other and look to find other outlets (staying late at work, spending more time with other people, having affair) instead of spending time with their spouse.

The Romance is Gone
No one expects that you'll be as passionate in a long term relationship as you were when you first got married, but when you and your spouse are growing apart, there usually aren't even romantic gestures any more.  Both people might be "going through the motions," which usually isn't fulfilling to either person.

The Fun is Gone Out of the Relationship
Humor is an important part of life, especially in a long term relationship.  Having a sense of humor and the ability to have fun enriches the relationship and helps couples to weather the challenges in any relationship.

You're Bickering Has Increased Over Petty Issues
When people are growing apart, they often feel frustrated with each other.  This can lead to bickering over petty issues.

Are the Two of You Growing Apart in Your Relationship?

If you and your spouse are bickering and there's a voice in your head that says, "Why are we arguing about this petty issue?" it's often because the bickering is a symptom of two people who are growing apart.  Whatever precipitated the bickering, it's usually not about whatever you're arguing about.  It's usually indicative that there are other things going on that you and your spouse aren't addressing.

In my next article, I'll discuss what you and your spouse (or partner) can do if you realize you're growing apart and you both want to get closer to each other (see my article: Relationships: How to Get Closer When You Have Grown Apart).

Getting Help in Therapy
If you feel that you and your spouse are beyond the point where you can repair your relationship on your own, you could benefit from seeing a licensed psychotherapist who works with couples, a therapist who has expertise in helping couples get closer and who can be objective.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Obsessive Jealousy: Are You Arguing with Your Spouse About His Sexual History Prior to Your Relationship With Him?

Are you and your spouse arguing about your sexual histories with other people that you knew before you met each other?  Unfortunately, arguments about spouses' sexual histories aren't unusual.  It often begins with one or both people in the relationship asking questions about the other's sexual history and, before you know it, one or both people get jealous or insecure and arguments ensue.

Arguing With Your Spouse About His Sexual History

While it's important to know whether your partner, soon-to-be spouse or spouse practiced safe sex before he or she met you, it's often a mistake to get into the details of who, want, where, and how often.

Talking about these kinds of details can degenerate into bitter arguments.  Once you've both determined that there have been no sexually transmitted diseases through testing, it's better to let the past be the past--no matter how tempting it might be to seek more information.

Clinical Vignette
The following fictionalized vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how easily arguments can begin while talking about each other's sexual history with other people:

Dan and Betty:
After Dan and Betty were married for several months, Betty asked Dan about his sexual activities with other people.  She already knew about the two prior relationships before he met her.  They also each had tests for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) early on when they began dating to ensure that neither of them had STIs.

Dan was hesitant to talk to Betty about his sexual history, but she told him that she felt that they should be able to talk about anything and she urged him to tell her.  

After Dan revealed that he had slept around quite a bit in college and in his early to mid-20s, Betty became upset. And the more upset she became, the more she asked him, and his answers only made her more upset.

Even though Betty didn't know any of the women that Dan slept with and he wasn't in touch with any of them, she imagined that he enjoyed being with these women sexually more than he enjoyed being with her.  No matter how much he assured her that he loved her and he enjoyed their sex life together, Betty couldn't stop thinking about all the women that Dan slept with.

Over time, Betty's obsessive jealousy about Dan's former sexual partners began to get in the way of their lovemaking.  Whenever Dan touched her, Betty wondered if he touched the other women in the same way.  

When it got to the point where they couldn't enjoy each other sexually any more, both Dan and Betty agreed that they needed to see a couples counselor.

In couples counseling, Dan and Betty learned that they had to let the past be the past.   Betty realized that she needed to let go of her obsessive thoughts about Dan's prior sex life or she would ruin their relationship.  

She also realized that the problem was that she was feeling insecure about herself.  Since she trusted Dan and she wasn't concerned that he would cheat on her, she realized that she needed to work on her own self esteem rather than argue with Dan about his past.

Once they stopped arguing about the past, they were able to rekindle their relationship.

Many couples feel that they must "tell all" about their prior sexual experiences, but unless you know for sure that you can handle this, it's best not to delve too deeply into your prior histories.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your spouse are arguing abut your prior sexual histories, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who sees couples for couples counseling to help you salvage your relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.