Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Change a Pattern of Defensive Behavior

My recent articles have focused on improving communication in relationships.

See my articles:

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: What's the Difference Between Complaining and Criticizing?

Improving Communication in Your Relationship: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner

In the current article, I'm focusing on defensive behavior.

Why is a Pattern of Defensive Behavior Destructive to a Relationship?

Everyone responds defensively at some point, but that's different from an ongoing pattern of defensive behavior.

A pattern of defensive behavior is a serious issue in relationships, and it has been known to lead to the demise of many relationships.

A Pattern of Defensive Behavior Can Ruin Your Relationship

Defensive behavior can occur automatically for some people because it's a behavior that often develops early in life as a response to a perceived threat.

See my articles: 

Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Past

When Arguments With Your Spouse Trigger Old Emotional Wounds From Childhood

When you're defensive, instead of listening to what your partner has to say, you deflect their comments by pointing the finger at your partner.

As an example, if your significant other tells you that you're not doing your share of the household chores, instead of listening and considering his or her point, you immediately lash out by saying, "I'm not dodging the household chores.  You're the one dodging the household chores."

In this example, we can see that there's no self reflection on what your partner told you. There's only a knee jerk reaction (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).

It's not a matter of whether you're right or wrong, it's a matter of reflecting on what your partner said and considering his or her feelings about the matter.

In addition, nothing gets resolved if you have a tendency to react defensively and, over time,  you can have a pile up of unresolved problems.

How to Change Defensive Behavior Before It Ruins Your Relationship

• Become Aware of Your Defensive Behavior:  In order to change defensive behavior, you need to become aware of when you're doing it.  In the heat of the moment, you might not realize that you're reacting defensively.  But if you take time to think about it the next time that it's pointed out to you, you could develop increased awareness of your defensiveness.  By become more aware of your reactive patterns of defensiveness, you can discover whether you're reacting this way every time your significant other asks you for something or if there are certain issues that trigger your defensiveness.  Are old memories getting triggered, which are unrelated to the here-and-now situation?

• Write Down Each Time You're Defensive:  Once you start becoming aware of your defensive behavior, write down each instance after it occurs.  Keep a log of these incidents, and you will begin to see patterns.  Along with writing down each incident, write about what was going on for you emotionally at the time.  Were you fearful? Angry? Resentful?  Did the incident take you back to an old memory so that you reacted in a childlike manner?

• Think Before You React:  There's a difference between responding and reacting.  When you respond, you take the time to reflect on what's going on.  What is your significant other really saying to you?  If you're so upset that you're not sure, ask for clarification.  If you're still upset after you get clarification, tell your significant other that you need a little time (let him or her know how much time, so you don't leave your significant other hanging, and then get back to him or her within that time frame).  Once you're calm, you can think more clearly.  If you don't agree with your significant other, rather than saying, "You're wrong," look beyond your significant other's words and find out what's going on.  Does s/he feel overwhelmed?  Is there some misunderstanding?  

• Work as a Team to Resolve the Problem: Rather than working against your significant other by being defensive as if s/he is the enemy, work as a team to resolve the underlying issues.  What do you each need to resolve the problem?  Are there common areas where you agree?  Can you each come up with compromises?

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and your partner are unable to work out this issue, you could benefit from couples therapy where you can both learn how to improve your communication skills.

A skilled psychotherapist can also help you to work through unresolved issues from the past that might be getting triggered in your current relationship so that you're no longer triggered now (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping couples to improve communication.

About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to overcome communication problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

Situationships have become a lot more common in the dating world in recent years as compared to how dating used to be (see my article: How Does Old School Dating Compare to Contemporary Dating?).

People who want to date without a commitment often feel situationships work for them. 

Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

Other people who want an exclusive relationship don't like situationships because the lack of definition, commitment or direction makes them feel uncomfortable.

So, let's explore the pros and cons of situationships in the dating world, but first let's start by defining the term.

What is a Situationship?

The nature of a situationships can vary with different couples.

Generally speaking, a situationship is more than just FWB (Friends With Benefits) and less than an exclusive relationship. 

Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

In this respect, as previously mentioned, a situationship involves no commitment. It can occur between people who start out as strangers or people who are already friends.

The basic characteristics of a situation include:

• The Relationship is Undefined: You and your partner haven't put a label on your non-exclusve relationship. This might be because you just started dating so it's too soon to have "the talk" and, as a result, it hasn't been defined. It might also be because you're both fine with your situation as it is for now and neither of you has any intention to try to define it. It can also be because one of you likes things the way they are and the other is secretly hoping the relationship eventually becomes exclusive. 

• The Connection is Superficial and Based on Convenience: You and your partner might be sexual, but your conversations are mostly superficial small talk. It's possible that your partner might hardly or never ask you personal questions about yourself. In addition, there's no consistency in how often or when you see each other, so it's based on convenience. You might see each other when neither of you have any other plans or if one of you has plans that have fallen through.

• There's No Talk About a Future: As compared to people who are in an exclusive relationship, the two of you don't make plans for your relationship. You might not even make plans for future events like getting tickets for a concert or the theater. 

• The Relationship Isn't Exclusive: As previously mentioned, there's no commitment to be exclusive in a situationship, so each of you can date other people.

• There's No Follow Up: When you're together, you might really enjoy each other's company, but when you're apart, neither of you might take the initiative to contact the other or follow up with each other.

What Are the Pros and Cons of Being in a Situationship?

The pros and cons of a situationship are very much in the eye of the beholder.

If both people are genuinely interested in being in this type of casual relationship, they might find there are more advantages than disadvantages. 

Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

But if one person secretly wants a committed relationship and they're just going along with being in a situationship with the hope it will develop into something more, this can create problems.

The Pros

• Less Responsibility and Less Emotional Investment: For those who want less responsibility and no need to invest emotionally in a relationship, a situationship can work if both people want this.

• Freedom: You can enjoy each other's company when you're together, but there are none of the expectations involved with a committed relationship. This means you're both free to see other people.

• Fun With Less Stress: As long as both people are on the same page, you can enjoy your time together without the stress involved in a committed relationship.

The Cons

• Instability, Inconsistency and Stress: If Person A begins to develop feelings for Person B and Person B doesn't develop feelings for Partner A, Partner A might find the instability and inconsistency of a situationship to be too hurtful and stressful.

• Different Expectations: You might both start out liking a situationship but, over time, if Person A develops feelings, Person A might have different expectations. Under those circumstances, Person A needs to communicate. However, a change in the relationship might not suit Person B who might still want to be free and uncommitted.

Tips on How to Handle a Situationship

• Be Honest With Yourself: First, be honest with yourself. Know what you want. If you know you're not going to be comfortable with an uncommitted, undefined relationship, acknowledge this to yourself. There's nothing wrong with this--it's just who you are at this point in your life. Don't go into a situationship hoping to turn it into an exclusive relationship because it might never turn into that. Similarly, if. you know don't want to be in an exclusive relationship, there's nothing wrong with admitting to yourself that you want a casual relationship.

• Be Honest With the Other Person: Don't pretend you want something you don't want. Being honest with the other person can save a lot of heartache in the long run even if it creates an initial disappointment.

Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

• Communicate Your Needs Clearly: Along with being honest, communicate your needs clearly to the other person--whether it's at the beginning stage of a relationship or if you experience a change later on. Don't expect the other to know how you feel. 

• Be Honest, Tactful and Gracious If It Doesn't Work Out: A situationship might work for a while, but there's no way to know how feelings might change over time for one or both people. Many relationships run their course whether they're committed relationships or casual relationships. No relationship is emotionally risk free, so if it's no longer working for one or both of you, end it by being your best self.

Conclusion

It's important to know yourself. Situationships aren't for everyone and that's okay.

At certain points in your life, you might an uncommitted, undefined relationship because it's what suits you at the time with a particular person. 

At other times in your life, you might not want a situationship.

You might also be someone who would never want such a casual, undefined relationship and that's okay too.

Just be honest and open about your needs and consider the other person's needs when you're trying to decide what kind of relationship you want.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Valentine's Day: 5 Tips For a Long and Happy Relationship

It's Valentine's Day. If you're in a relationship, it's a reminder to show your appreciation for your spouse or partner. 

5 Tips For a Long and Happy Relationship

When you're in a long term relationship, it's easy to take each other for granted and forget to show love and appreciation, so here are some tips:

1. Remember what brought you together when you first fell in love: 

In long-term relationships and marriages, it's easy to fall into the negative habit of nitpicking and fault finding.  While you can't always expect that you'll feel the same passion and head-over-heels in love feelings you felt when you first met, it helps to remember the positive things that brought you together and reinforce those things in your relationship.  For instance, if an interest in music brought you together, when was the last time the two of you went to a concert with your favorite artist?  Make plans to do the things you both enjoy doing to bring back some fun and passion into your relationship.

2. Make Your Relationship the Priority: 

It's important to maintain friendships and family relationships but, over all, making your relationship with your spouse the priority will go a long way to setting the stage for a healthy, happy marriage.  Don't take your spouse for granted.  If friends and relatives are making constant demands of your time and this consistently takes away from your time with your spouse, you would be wise to rethink your priorities.  Don't take the path of least resistance just because your spouse is always "understanding."  Even if you have the most understanding spouse, when you consistently put others first, over time, you're eroding the quality of your relationship with your spouse.

3. Create Special Times with Your Spouse: 

Every so often, it helps to create a special time with your spouse.  Whether this means, you stay at home, unplug the phones and your gadgets, and have a romantic champagne brunch together or you have a romantic evening where you play with new sex toys, make an effort to create special times together. Nothing kills a marriage more than boredom, day after day, week after week, doing the same old things. Special times together help to rekindle your love for each other.

4. Choose Your Battles: 

Nitpicking and nagging is a real turn off in any relationship.  Sometimes,  you have to ask yourself whether it's worth getting into an argument over something that, if you thought about it for a few minutes, is really a petty issue.  Sometimes, it's necessary to have a larger perspective of the relationship and over look the "small stuff."

5. Show Respect For Each Other at all Times, Even When You're Arguing: 

Contempt is one of the biggest relationship killers.  If you're the type to say disrespectful and contemptuous things to your spouse when you're arguing, you need to learn a different way of communicating because you're endangering your relationship.  Once the contemptuous words leave your mouth, it's hard to take them back.  Respectful communication between spouses is key to any long-term happy marriage.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you and you partner have unresolved problems, you could benefit from couples therapy (see my article: How Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples Can Improve Your Relationship).

Rather than allowing things to continue to slide downhill, take steps to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

How to Maintain a Happy Relationship

Developing and maintaining a happy relationship is more challenging these days than ever.  Whereas in former times people had the emotional support of an extended family, people in relationships now tend to rely much more on each other, which often places a strain on the relationship (see my articles: Nurturing Your Relationship and Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other.

Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship

While no relationship is without occasional problems, more relationships these days are failing because of the greater emotional burden placed on the relationship.  Also, people often enter into a relationship with unrealistic expectations of their partners and unaware of the work it takes to develop and maintain a happy relationship.

How to Develop and Maintain a Happy Relationship

• Make Your Relationship a Priority:  This might sound obvious and yet, without even realizing it, so many people in relationships allow distractions to get in the way of making the relationship a priority (see my articles: Relationships: The Importance of Unplugging From Your Phone and Computer to Spend Quality Time Together.

Developing a Happy Relationship: Spend Quality Time Together Without Distractions

• Be Loving and Kind to Each Other:  Many couples are loving and kind to each other at the beginning of the relationship but, as time goes on, they forget to do the things that endeared them to each other (see my articles:  Practicing Tolerance and Compassion in Your Relationship).

• Talk About What You Need Emotionally From Your Romantic Partner:  Talking about emotional needs is often difficult for people who are afraid to make themselves emotionally vulnerable, especially if one or both partners grew up in a family where people didn't talk about their feelings. Many couples don't know how to communicate their needs and come across as blaming or complaining, which makes the other partner shut down.  Other people seem to feel that their partner "should know" what they want without their communicating their needs (see my article:  Relationships: Are You Too Afraid to Talk to Your Spouse About What's Bothering and Are You Feeling Lonely in Your Relationship?).

• Respect One Another:  Respecting one another is often related to being able to talk about emotional needs.  For example, if, instead of focusing on what she needs emotionally from her husband, a woman blames her husband for not being more attentive, her husband might shut down and not hear her underlying message, which is: "I need you to show that you care about me."  That message gets lost because it's not getting communicated directly.  The husband will feel criticized and might stonewall.  This often leads to the wife becoming more strident, which leads to even further withdrawal by the husband.  Aside from the obvious forms of disrespect, like name calling, other less obvious forms of disrespect, like eye rolling, show contempt for the other partner and often lead to the demise of the relationship (see my articles:  Emotional Intimacy: The One Who Loves You the Most is Often the One Who Hurts You the Most, and Relationships: When Expressing Your Feelings Turns Into Verbal Abuse).

• Develop Realistic Expectations of Your Relationship:  You're partner can't be everything to you.  You need to have friends and other forms of emotional support in order not to put too heavy a burden on the relationship (see my article: Relationships: Your Spouse Can't Meet All Your Expectations).

• Let Go of the Small Stuff:  When you're in a relationship, you need to know what's most important to you.  Do you really want to argue about the socks that never made it from the floor to the hamper?  If you do, you'll be arguing a lot and this can erode a relationship quickly (see my article: Are You Overreacting to Small Disappointments? and Letting Go of Resentment).

• Find Ways to Grow Together:  Finding ways to grow together is important, especially in a long term relationship.  People change over time, and if one person is developing and growing and the other person isn't, the couple could grow apart.  When you share new interests, you're developing as individuals and as a couple (see my articles: Relationships: Are You in a Relationship Rut? and How to Integrate Change Into Your Relationship).

Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship:  Be Playful With One Another

• Be Playful With One Another:  Couples, who are playful and fun with each other at the beginning of the relationship, often forget to do the things that brought them together in the first place.  Having a sense of humor and finding other ways to be playful keeps the relationship fresh and alive (see my articles: Do You Remember What It's Like to Have Fun in Your Relationship? Try a Little Playfulness and Improving Sexual Intimacy in a Long Term Relationship).

Getting Help For Your Relationship in Couples Counseling
There are many couples who have lost their way in their relationship and they're unable to find their way back to the loving relationship that they once had.

A skilled psychotherapist, who works with couples, can help a couple to understand what went wrong and provide them with tools to get back on track (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?).

If you've tried on your own to work out your relationship, but you keep coming up short, you could benefit from seeing a couples therapist who can help you to have the loving relationship that you once had.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist 

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

Everyone feels lonely sometimes.  It's not unusual.  There are different kinds of experiences of feeling lonely.  

Usually we associate feeling lonely with being alone. But it's not unusual to feel lonely from time to time while you're in a relationship.  You and your partner or spouse aren't always going to feel emotionally attuned.  

But when you feel lonely most of the time while you're with your partner, this is a different kind of loneliness and can be indicative of problems in the relationship (see my article:  What's the Difference Between Solitude and Loneliness?).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

There are many reasons why you could be feeling lonely or emotionally estranged from your partner.  Assuming that you and your partner spend time together and that you're not away from each other for significant periods, it's important to determine what's causing you to feel lonely and if your partner is feeling the same way.

Are one or both of you withdrawing emotionally when you're together so that you're in the same room but you're not connecting with each other on an emotional level?  Are you bored?  Has your sex life waned?  Have you grown apart?

The following vignette is a fictionalized composite that illustrates a particular cause of loneliness in a relationship:

Alice and Peter:

Alice and Peter were married for 15 years.  They had two sons, who were 11 and 12.  They both had successful careers.  When they first got married, they had a very passionate relationship.  But in the last few years, they focused most of their free time on their sons' various activities, including sports events.  Their once passionate sex life had waned to nearly nothing (see my article: Reviving Your Sex Life).

Feeling Lonely in a Relationship

After their children went away to sleep away camp for the first time, they found themselves together and alone for the first time in a long time.  Before their sons left, they each thought they would enjoy having time to themselves for a change.

But after their sons were gone, they both felt awkward around each other and somewhat at a loss as to how to spend their time together.  Both of them felt too uncomfortable talking about it, so they each dealt with the awkwardness and loneliness they felt on their own.  They each found individual projects to work on in their spare time, and they tried to avoid the emotional awkwardness by spending their time apart.

As the weeks passed, they each felt more emotionally estranged from each other.  Finally, when it became too uncomfortable for her, Alice broached the topic with Peter, feeling embarrassed and shy, but  deciding that it was better to talk about it than to keep sweeping it under the rug.

So, over breakfast, before they went off to their separate projects, Alice told Peter that she was feeling lonely.  There was an awkward silence, which increased Alice's embarrassment and feelings of awkwardness.  Then, Peter looked away and said he was feeling the same way.

They talked about how they never realized, while the children were around, that they had lost sight of their relationship.

They acknowledged to each other that they still loved one another, but their sex life had waned to nothing.  This was a difficult conversation to have, but it was a relief for both of them to stop avoiding each other and the so-called "elephant in the room" of the loneliness that they each felt around each other.

Peter and Alice realized that they needed to get to know each other again.  They loved their sons very much, but they realized that they needed to spend more quality time with each to rekindle their relationship.

But they didn't know how after all this time, so they sought the help of a marriage counselor. In marriage counseling, they learned to re-engage in the activities that they used to enjoy--going out dancing, going to the theatre, and reading aloud to each other.

To rekindle their sex life, they rediscovered how to be sensual with each other and, eventually, becoming sexually intimate again after years of not being sexual at all.  When their sons returned, they made sure to continue to find time for each other by going out on a "date" at least 3-4 times per month to maintain the emotional and sexual intimacy they discovered with each other while their sons were away.

Loneliness and Estrangement Can Develop Over Time in a Relationship
The scenario above is only one example of how loneliness and emotional estrangement can develop in a relationship over time without the couple even realizing it.

There are many other examples, too many to discuss in one blog post.  

One common complaint I hear from couples in my New York City private practice is that one or both people are continually preoccupied with their cellphone.  This could be a topic unto itself.  Another common complaint is that one or both people have outgrown each other.

Getting Help in Therapy
The main point of this blog post is that if you're feeling lonely in your relationship, you owe it to yourself and your partner to communicate this before it's too late.

You're not alone.  There are many individuals and couples that experience this problem.

If you're unable to work on it on your own by rekindling your relationship, you can seek the help of a licensed mental health professional who  specializes in working with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Different Love Languages

In my prior article, What Are the 5 Love Languages?, I began a discussion about Dr. Gary Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages - The Secret to Love That Lasts, by identifying and defining the concept of love languages (see my article: Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

In the current article I'll be discussing how individuals in relationships give and receive love and what to do if your partner's love language is different from your own (see my articles: Love Maps: How Well Do You Know Your Partner? and Learning About Yourself in Your Relationship).

What to Do If You Have Different Love Languages?

What Are the 5 Love Languages?

To summarize briefly from my prior article:  Most people have a combination of the five love languages, but they usually have one that is primary, including:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Gifts
• Physical Touch

• Words of Affirmation: If your primary way of feeling loved and appreciated is through words, you want to hear your partner tell you say "I love you."  You also want to be complimented and hear other expressions of love.  

• Quality Time: If quality time is most important to you, you want to spend time with your partner without distractions.  You want your partner to be fully present, actively listening and attuned to your feelings.

• Acts of Service: Acts of service include things your partner does for you that make your life easier, like taking care of chores. For you, action speaks louder than words.

• Gifts: If your primary love language is gifts, you feel most loved when your partner makes the effort to give you gifts that are symbolic of their love for you.  

• Physical Touch: When physical touch is your primary love language, you want to feel loved and appreciated with intimate touch that includes holding hands, hugs, cuddling, kisses and sex.

Communicating Your Emotional Needs to Your Partner

It's common for individuals to show their love in the way that's most meaningful to them but not necessarily meaningful to their partner.  

So, for instance, for a husband whose primary love language is acts of service, he might show his love for his wife by mowing the lawn or doing the laundry. He probably assumes that since these acts are most meaningful to him, they are also primary to her.

But what if his wife's primary love language is words of affirmation?  She might appreciate that he does these tasks, but she'll want to hear him tell her that he loves her.  If he doesn't know this and she doesn't communicate it to him, she'll miss hearing these words from him, and the relationship could deteriorate (see my articles: Telltale Signs You're Growing Apart in Your Relationship and How to Get Closer If You've Grown Apart).

That's why it's so important for each individual in a relationship to be able to communicate his or her emotional needs.  But in order to do this, each person needs to know how they feel most loved. That requires that each person take the time to reflect on their emotional needs (see my article: Understanding Your Emotional Needs).

It also requires that each person be able to see beyond what's most meaningful to them to be attuned to their partner's needs.  For example, if an individual notices that his partner comes alive when he hugs her, but she doesn't respond with as much enthusiasm when he does the dishes, he needs to change how he expresses his love.

Clinical Vignette:  What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Different Love Languages

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how a couple can makes changes in how they express love when their partner's love language is different from their own:

Amy and Ted

After 10 years of marriage, Amy and Ted realized they were drifting apart emotionally and sexually.  They still loved each other, but they each felt emotionally disconnected from each other (see my article: Loneliness Within a Relationship).

As a way to rekindle their relationship, Amy suggested they go on vacation--just the two of them instead of their usual way of vacationing with friends.

Amy thought going away together would bring them closer, but after the initial excitement of being in the Bahamas for the first time, they were both bored, uncomfortable and disappointed in the experience.  They started looking for other distractions to avoid being alone, including meeting and spending time with other couples (see my article: Understanding Sexual Boredom in Long Term Relationships).

By the time they got back from their vacation, both of them knew there was something wrong.  Before the vacation, each of them had assumed that they weren't as close because their lives were so hectic and stressful, but when they had a chance to relax and spend time with each other, they didn't know how to relate to one another.

A few days after they were settled back home, Amy talked to Ted about the emotional distance she sensed between them.  Although Ted usually wasn't as comfortable talking about emotional issues, he agreed that he also sensed the emotional distance and that he had been feeling it for quite some time, but he didn't know how to bring it up.

Their discussion didn't get far because neither of them knew what to say or do about their problem, so Amy suggested they go to couples counseling to try to work on their marriage (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT)?).

Their couples therapist told them their problem wasn't unusual.  As she got to know them as individuals and a couple, the couples therapist realized that each of them had different ways they expressed and wanted to receive love.  She also realized that each of them expressed love in the way that was personally meaningful but not meaningful to the other partner.

Amy learned in couples therapy that, even though she liked elements of all five love languages, she preferred to hear Ted tell her that he loved her.  So, her love language was Words of Affirmation.  

But Ted, whose own love language was physical touch, would try to have sex with Amy before she felt turned on by hearing him tell her that he loved her.  

It wasn't that Amy didn't want to have sex.  It was more a matter that she needed to hear Ted tell her that he loved her before they were sexual, and if she didn't hear him say it, she didn't feel sexually turned on (see my article: Whereas Women Usually Need Emotional Connection to Connect Sexually, Men Often Need Sex to Connect Emotionally).

Ted was confused at first, "But Amy knows I love her.  Why does she need to hear it?" But as he listened to Amy tell him how important it was for her to hear words that affirmed his love for her, he realized he needed to be more aware of what Amy needed and change his way of relating to her.

Ted learned that he also liked elements of all the five love languages, but his preference was physical touch.  He spoke in couples therapy about how he was often disappointed that Amy almost never initiated sex and, worse still, when he tried to initiate sex, she didn't seem interested.  

He said this left him feeling hurt and rejected, and this was why he was hesitant to initiate sex--even when they had more time than usual on their vacation.  He felt even when Amy agreed to have sex, she was just "going through the motions" to appease him, which was a turn off for him.  

As Amy and Ted listened to each other talk about how they felt most loved, they both realized that they needed to make changes in how they interacted with each other, and it might not be so easy.  

Amy agreed with Ted that she often just "went through the motions" when he wanted to be sexual because she needed more time to get turned on than he did, especially if she had a stressful day, and he wasn't taking the time to get her turned on (see my articles:  Understanding Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes - Part 1 and Part 2).

She told Ted that she needed to feel relaxed first and ease into sex.  She preferred to start by hearing him tell her that he loved her and spend time cuddling, but he often wanted to have intercourse without expressing affection and without much foreplay (see my articles: Rethinking Foreplay As More Than Just a Prelude to Intercourse).

Ted thought about this, and then he said he would also like to cuddle, but he often felt apprehensive lately about approaching Amy sexually because he sensed she wasn't interested, so he would rush through sex by focusing on having an orgasm, "I guess I just try to get off as quickly as possible to get it over with" (see my articles: Sexual Wellness: What is Performative Sex? and  Changing Your Sex Script).

He said he felt awkward, at this point in their marriage, telling her that he loved her because this wasn't his way of expressing love, but he wanted to improve their relationship, so he would make more of an effort.

Amy told Ted she remembered a time when she enjoyed sex with him when they were both more verbally expressive about their love, so she was also willing to express her love for Ted with more physicality (see my article: Reviving Your Sex Life By Exploring Your Peak Erotic Experiences).

Their couples therapist suggested they set aside time at least once a week to practice these new ways of being together.  At first, they each thought it felt artificial to have specific times to do this, but they soon discovered that if they didn't set aside the time, life would take over and they didn't do it.  So, they both agreed that Friday night was a good time for each of them.

At first, they were awkward with each other.  Ted, who wasn't someone who usually expressed his love in words, felt annoyed with himself for feeling like an awkward teenager when he tried to tell Amy that he loved her.  Amy, who often bristled when Ted tried to touch her in a sexually playful way, also felt uncomfortable at first.

During their next couples therapy session, they talked about how they each felt like they were performing rather than actually feeling emotionally intimate with each other.  But, over time, as they continued to practice each week, they each learned how to relax, look into each other's eyes, and say and do what their partner needed to feel loved.  In turn, they learned to receive their partner's expression of love.

After a while, it felt natural again--similar to how it felt in the early days of their marriage (see my article: How Couples Therapy Can Help You to Form New Bonds of Love).

As time went on, Amy and Ted learned to develop the skills each of them needed to give and receive love (see my article: Developing and Maintaining a Happy Relationship).

Conclusion

As a relationship matures, that initial stage of passion often diminishes.  Ideally, after that early stage of passion, love matures and deepens (see my article: What is Limerence (also known as Infatuation)?

But sometimes couples get into a relationship rut.  Whereas the new relationship energy carried them along at first, they might not be saying and doing the things that enabled their partner to feel loved and appreciated.

There might be so many other things that are competing for their attention, including raising children, stressful jobs, and caregiving responsibilities for older relatives, that they forget to do the things that nurtured their relationship.  

The other possibility is that one or both people in the relationship might never have understood what their partner needed from them with regard to giving and receiving love, but the new relationship energy carried them along during the initial stage of the relationship.

The good news is that people can learn to give and receive love in ways that are personally meaningful to each of them.  Sometimes, when a couple is stuck, they benefit from working with a skilled couples therapist to help them develop these skills.

Psychological Trauma Can Affect a Person's Ability to Give and Receive Love

See my article: How Trauma Can Affect Relationships.

Getting Help in Therapy

There are times when you might need help to overcome problems, especially if you've struggled on your own without success.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise to help you overcome your problems (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to overcome the obstacles that are holding you back from living the life you want and deserve.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individuals and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.

 

EFT Couple Therapy: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck

So many couples get stuck in a negative dynamic in their relationship that keep them stuck.  A big part of the problem is that many couples blame each other rather than seeing that the problem is the negative dynamic that they get caught up in.

Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck

In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (also known as EFT) couples learn to stop blaming each other and focus on their negative dynamic so they can change the dynamic.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Overcoming the Negative Dynamic That Keeps Couples Stuck:
The following fictional clinical vignette illustrates how a couple can learn to stop blaming each other as they begin to see the negative dynamic and learn to change it with the help of an EFT couples therapist:

Alice and Sam
After five years of marriage, Alice and Sam were nearly ready to get a divorce when they started EFT couples therapy.

During the initial therapy consultation, Alice explained to their EFT couples therapist that she was at her wits end because whenever she tried to tell Sam what was bothering her, he withdrew from her emotionally and physically.  She said she felt alone and lonely in their relationship and she didn't know how to get through to him.

Sam sat in the therapist's office looking away from Alice with his arms folded.  When it was his turn to talk about his perspective of the problem, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "No matter what I do, it's never right."

When their EFT therapist prompted Sam to say more, he said that Alice tended to blame him for all the problems in their relationship and he gave up more than a year ago.  He said he didn't like to argue, so he preferred to go to his home office and shut the door when Alice yelled at him.  He said he was tired of being blamed and he dreaded coming home from work.

While Sam was speaking, Alice seemed as if she could barely contain herself, and she turned to the therapist and said, "You see? This is what I have to contend with. He just shuts down like he doesn't care, and I can't get through to him no matter what I do or say."

When the therapist asked Sam for an example of a typical argument, he brought up an argument that they had a few days earlier.  He said Alice got angry with him after he forgot their wedding anniversary.  He told the therapist that he understood that Alice was upset, but he felt that her reaction was "over the top."

From his perspective, Sam realized that he made a mistake, but when Alice kept criticizing him even after he apologized, he didn't see the point in discussing it, so he went to his office and shut the door.  But rather than allowing things to cool down, Sam said, Alice pursued him into his office and continued to berate him, which he couldn't stand, so he left the apartment.

When it was Alice's turn to speak, she said she didn't understand how Sam expected her not to be angry when he forgot their anniversary.  To her, this meant that he didn't care about her or their marriage.

As the couples therapist listened to Alice and Sam describe their arguments, she could see that they were stuck in a negative dynamic and this dynamic tended to get played out repeatedly with Alice being the pursuer and Sam being the withdrawer in their relationship.

Being stuck in a negative dynamic can be difficult for a couple to change on their own--especially if the couple has been in a particular negative cycle for a while.  But, over time, the EFT couples therapist helped Alice and Sam to see that there were "no bad guys" in their relationship--there was only a negative dynamic that they could learn to change.

Gradually, over time, the couples therapist helped Sam to become emotionally reengaged in the  relationship.  Then, she asked him to describe what he felt like when Alice blamed him for their problems.  In response, he thought about it and then said, "I feel like I'm worthless and that our relationship is hopeless, so why should I even try?"

As Sam said this, he choked back tears, and Alice, who seemed moved by Sam's sadness, reached over to touch his hand, "I didn't know that this was how you were feeling.  I thought you didn't care about me anymore.  I didn't mean to make you feel worthless."

Sam looked over at Alice, squeezed her hand and said, "Of course, I still care about you. I thought you were completely fed up with me, so I withdrew from you to protect myself emotionally."

The couples therapist asked Alice to talk about the emotions she experienced underneath her anger, and Alice responded, "I'm hurt and afraid that I'm losing Sam.  I don't want to lose him.  I don't mean to yell and blame him.  I just get so desperate that I don't know what to say or do.  I want our marriage to work out."

As Alice and Sam began to identify their underlying emotions, they began to see that they both still cared about each other, but the negative dynamic that they engaged in kept them stuck.

Overcoming the Negative Dynamic in Your Relationship That Keeps You Both Stuck

After Sam became more emotionally engaged in the couples sessions and talked about his emotional vulnerability, Alice's attitude toward Sam softened.  Rather than blaming him and yelling at him, she was able to say what she needed from him emotionally, which allowed Sam to open up to give Alice what she needed and express what he needed from Alice.

By rebuilding trust and being more emotionally vulnerable with each other, over time, Sam and Alice were able to change their dynamic so that they could express their underlying emotions rather than allowing anger and avoidance keep them stuck in a negative cycle.

Conclusion
The fictional clinical vignette is a common negative dynamic in relationships where one person is the avoidant withdrawer and the other person is the blamer/pursuer.

Each person in his or her role of withdrawer and blamer/pursuer makes the dynamic worse and reinforces continues to reinforce it.  The more the pursuer/blamer blames and pursues, the more the withdrawer avoids and withdraws.  Even though the couple might know that what each of them is doing isn't working, they don't know how to change this negative cycle.

In the fictional example above, which is brief and simplistic since this is a blog article, the EFT therapist assesses the couples' negative dynamic and the role that each person plays in it.  Over time, she helps each person to identify the underlying emotions that are often not apparent to the other person in the relationship.

For example, when Sam withdrew from Alice, Alice assumed that this meant he didn't care about her anymore.  All she could see was that Sam was withdrawing emotionally and physically.  Not knowing what else to do, Alice continued to pursue and blame Sam and he withdrew even more.

In EFT couples therapy, the EFT couples therapist creates a safe therapeutic environment which helps the withdrawer to feel safe enough to reengage emotionally so s/he can identify the underlying emotions and tell the other person in the relationship what s/he is experiencing.

When the person, who is in the role of the pursuer, hears that the withdrawer feels sad, helpless and hopeless (or whatever emotions s/he might be experiencing), this often comes as a surprise and a relief that the withdrawer still actually cares.

Once the withdrawer becomes emotionally engaged again and can communicate what s/he actually feels, the pursuer often softens his or her stance so that s/he can communicate what s/he is really feeling underneath all the blaming.

The example above is a simply illustration of how EFT couples therapy works.  Each relationship is, of course, different, and there can be other complications in the relationship, especially if the negative dynamic has been going on for a long time.

Sometimes, the withdrawer needs more time to feel emotionally safe enough to say what s/he feels.  Similarly, the person who is in the role of the pursuer/blamer might not trust that that the withdrawer will remain open enough to hear how hurtful things have been for him or her.  So, it can take time.

One important difference between regular couples therapy and EFT couples therapy is that there are "no bad guys" in the relationship.  The focus is on changing the dynamics that aren't working in the relationship rather than assigning blame.

More Information About EFT Couples Therapy
To find out more about EFT couples therapy, you can read Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, a clinician and researcher, who developed EFT couples therapy.

See my article: How EFT Couples Therapy Can Help to Improve Your Relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy
When couples are stuck in a negative dynamic, it can be hard to see a way out.

Research has shown that EFT couples therapy is an effective form of couples therapy that gets lasting results.

Rather than feeling helpless and hopeless, you owe it to yourself and your spouse or partner to get help to overcome the negative cycle that keeps you both stuck.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist, who is trained in EFT couples therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me. 

Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

In prior articles, Anger as a Secondary Emotion and Boredom as a Secondary Emotion: Understanding the Underlying Emotions in Therapy, I wrote about anger and boredom in terms of secondary emotions.  In the current article, I will discuss focus on how understanding and expressing primary emotions could save your relationship.

How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

Understanding Primary and Secondary Emotions in a Relationship
In a relationship where one person has an anxious attachment style and the other partner has an avoidant attachment style, each person will probably express their dissatisfaction and frustration with the relationship in different ways (see my article:  How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

If one or both people in a relationship misunderstand what's being communicated, it could jeopardize the relationship, especially if both people are locked into a rigid, dysfunctional way of relating.

This is why it's so important to look beyond the surface of what's being expressed to understand the possible hurt and longing that is hidden beyond the surface.

Couples therapy with a licensed psychotherapist, who understands attachment styles and primary and secondary emotions, can help avoid misunderstandings and a possible breakup.

Fictional Vignette: How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship
The following fictional vignette illustrates how couples, who are locked into a dysfunctional interactive pattern, can learn to understand and express primary emotions by seeking help in couples counseling:

May and John
May and John, who were married for 10 years, decided to seek help in couples counseling because their relationship had devolved from a loving, nurturing relationship to an ongoing battle of accusations and counter-accusations.

May explained to their couples therapist that the problems began a couple of years ago when John took a new job where he had to spend a lot of extra hours at work.  When he came home, she said, he was exhausted, and all he wanted to do was eat supper, watch a little TV and then go to sleep.

She told the couples therapist that John was frequently asleep on the couch by 9 PM.  She said that, while she understood that he was tired from a long day at work, she often felt lonely because he was barely communicative during the week and when she wanted to go out on weekends, he just wanted to lounge around the apartment.

She also explained that whereas they used to have an active sex life, their sex life now was practically nonexistent.  Since they were only in their mid-30s, she felt this didn't bode well for the survival of the relationship.  She said that whenever she complained to him that he wasn't paying enough attention to her, he would remain silent and turn away from her, which infuriated her so much that she would lose her temper and begin yelling.

When he didn't walk into another room to avoid her, she said, he would sometimes also lose his temper so that they were then involved in a shouting match, both saying things that they regretted later.  Then, she said, they would usually each retreat from one another for a while--until the next argument and the cycle began again.

May said that they both wanted to have a child within the next year or so, but she didn't see how their relationship could survive.  So, on the one hand, it made her hesitant about having a baby and, on the other hand, she was aware that if she didn't have a baby soon, she might not be able to conceive because of her age.

How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

The couples therapist noticed that while May was speaking, John sat silently looking away.  She could see that John was feeling annoyed and defensive, and he had "checked out" of the session as soon as May began speaking.

She would need to get to know May and John better over time, but her first impression was that, in terms of their attachment styles, May was in the role of an anxious "pursuer" and John was in the role of an avoidant "withdrawer" in their dynamic.

When the couples therapist invited John to speak, he shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know what to say.  May knows that I'm working these crazy hours in order to advance my career so we can eventually have a house and other things that we want.  It's not that I like working long hours--it's required of me.  Then, when I get home, I need space to breathe and relax, but I feel verbally assaulted by May as soon as I walk through the door.  All she does is nag me, which is such a turnoff so, yeah, I'm not usually interested in having sex because I'm tired but also because I'm turned off by how May speaks to me.  She's just so angry all the time.  It makes me feel like a failure as a husband.  Then, I just want to be alone.  Who wants to come home to an angry person who yells at you everyday?  Not me."

The couples therapist could see that May and John were locked into a rigid negative way of relating, and neither of them were able to express the love and longing that they felt for each other.  She started by reflecting back and paraphrasing what May said and included that it was clear that, underneath her anger and yelling, was love and longing (the primary emotions) to be with John.

May nodded her head and looked over at John, who seemed a bit more engaged when he heard the couples therapist express May's primary emotions, love and longing, that were being covered over by the secondary emotion of anger.  John looked over at May and took her hand.

Then, the couples therapist paraphrased what John said about actually wanting to spend more time with May, but being required to work long hours at the office.  She paraphrased how tired he felt when he came home and that he needed a little time to unwind before interacting with May.  She also paraphrased that when May got angry and yelled at him, he didn't know what else to do, he felt like a failure as a husband so he withdrew from her.  But, in fact, he really loved her and wanted to be with her (the primary emotions).

As John listened to the couples therapist, he nodded his head to indicate that this is how he felt.  Then, he smiled at May, whose demeanor had softened as she listened to the couples therapist paraphrase what John said.

Then, May squeezed John's hand and said to him that she would be more than willing to give him time and space when he got home if she knew that he would pay attention to her after that.  In response, John gave May a hug.

This was the beginning of weekly six month couple therapy where John and May learned about each of their attachment styles and the primary emotions underneath May's anxious anger and John's defeated avoidant withdrawal.

The beginning stage of couples therapy involved helping May and John to de-escalate their emotions.  May allowed John to unwind and, rather than expressing anger and criticism, she learned to allow herself to be vulnerable enough to express to John the love and longing that she felt.

When May allowed John time to unwind when he got home and she was no longer yelling at him, he felt more comfortable approaching May and being closer to her.  He understood that, even during those times when she would occasionally yell at him, that her anger was a secondary emotion that covered over her love and longing for him and her fears that he was emotionally abandoning her.

May also began to understand that John's withdrawal didn't mean that he didn't care about her.  It meant that this was his secondary, defensive emotion in response to her anger.  She realized that underneath his withdrawn demeanor, he still loved her, but he  felt emotionally overwhelmed by what he perceived to be her angry demands (see my article:  Relationships and Communication: Are You a "Stonewaller"?).

How Understanding Primary Emotions and Attachment Styles Could Save Your Relationship

They both realized that if they were going to repair their relationship, they each needed to make it safe for each other to be emotionally vulnerable enough to express their primary emotions. This wasn't easy because they each feared getting hurt.  But over time, they allowed themselves to express their primary emotions of love and caring and their relationship improved.

Conclusion
Secondary emotions usually cover over the core primary emotions, which is related to each person's attachment style.

The secondary emotion of anger, which was demonstrated in the vignette above with how May responded to John, often covers over hurt, fear and longing.  And what appears as nonresponsive withdrawal, demonstrated by John when May got angry with him, often covers over the primary emotion of fear and feelings of inadequacy.

In the role of the "pursuer" and with an anxious attachment style, May felt exasperated by John's nonresponsiveness so her anger escalated.  In response, John, who was the "withdrawer" with an avoidant attachment style wanted to withdraw even more.  Underneath what appeared to be a non-caring stance, John was fearful and feeling inadequate.

So, they were caught in this rigid negative dance with each other and neither of them knew how to change that dance until an empathetic couples therapist helped them by allowing them to see the love and longing behind their secondary emotions and feel safe enough to express their more vulnerable emotions (see my article: Relationships: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

Getting Help in Therapy
The dynamics in the vignette that I presented above are common, and it's often very difficult for a couple to overcome these dynamics on their own.

A skilled couples therapist can help each partner to feel comfortable enough to de-escalate their emotions, understand their primary emotions (as opposed to the secondary emotions that are on the surface), and express their more vulnerable feelings of love and longing for each other (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you and your significant other are stuck in a rigid negative cycle, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article:  The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.