Creating Aliveness in Your Long Term Relationship

This article was updated on September 17, 2026.

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I often meet with people in long term relationships where one person has a vibrant sense of aliveness and the other is more reserved.  

The livelier individual might have initially chosen the more reserved person because they represented safety and stability. This is especially true if the livelier person had a traumatic family background where there was a lot of instability in their family.

Sustaining aliveness in a long-term partnership means standing side-by-side, sharing a unified vision, and looking toward the future together.

However, as time passes in their relationship and their life has stabilized together, the livelier individual's needs for stability has been satisfied and, as the years go by, this individual might yearn for their partner to be more alive and open to new experiences.

This situation is more likely to happen as the couple ages and the livelier partner realizes that time is passing. At that point, they might wonder, "Is this all there is to life?" and yearn for more from their partner and their relationship.

Yearning for more aliveness in their relationship, they might push the more reserved partner to be more exploratory to move out of their comfort zone.

For some reserved partners, all they need is a little encouragement and they can move out of their comfort zone and open up to new experiences. But many others remain stuck in their ways and their partner becomes increasingly dissatisfied over the years.

At that point, this couple might find themselves in my office with the livelier partner feeling resentful that their more reserved partner isn't meeting their current needs, and the reserved partner wondering why the status quo no longer satisfies the livelier partner.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates this kind of  mismatch and how couples therapy can help:

Cathy and Jack

Cathy and Jack were both in their early 60s, married for over 30 years and retired from successful careers. Their two adult children had long since moved away to other parts of the country.

Cathy was the one who initiated contact for couples therapy and Jack came somewhat reluctantly. When she talked about her family history, she described a chaotic family where, despite both parents having full time jobs, they were barely able to make ends meet. They were constantly getting eviction notices and there often wasn't enough food to eat. 

Due to their dire circumstances, Cathy knew from a young age she couldn't ask for new clothes or a new toy. She usually got hand-me-down clothes from her older siblings that was often too big, so she felt ashamed when she went to school with ill-fitting clothes. 

More importantly, Cathy's parents were so overwhelmed by their dire circumstances that they were too exhausted to be nurturing towards their children.

Jack's family history was very different. His parents were both successful professionals and the family lived in an upper middle class suburb. Although they appeared to be a happy family on the outside, there was emotional turmoil behind closed doors. The family secret that created the turmoil was Jack's father's drinking. 

Although he was regarded as a pillar in the community, Jack's father was a severe alcoholic behind closed doors. When he wasn't drinking, he could be a loving and engaged father with Jack, but as his drinking got worse over time, Jack's mother was frightened of her husband's drinking and she became increasingly passive as the years went by. So, Jack couldn't rely on either of his parents for nurturance and emotional support.

Jack never knew what to expect, so he learned to suppress his own emotional needs and became the golden child who always got excellent grades and tried to please his parents in every way he could.

Initially, when they met, Cathy admired how safe she felt with Jack. She knew she could rely on him through thick and thin--something she had never experienced in her chaotic family. Jack also admired Cathy's lively energy and how good he felt around her.

Their relationship went smoothly during the early years of their marriage, but as they approached retirement, Cathy felt increasingly dissatisfied with their relationship. She was acutely aware that the relationship felt stale. She wanted to travel more and experience as much of life as she could while they were both still in good health. But Jack preferred to stay home and maintain the same routine he had all of his adult life.

Not only did their existence feel monotonous to Cathy, but she grieved for their sex life which had been nonexistent for many years. For his part, Jack couldn't understand why Cathy felt so unhappy now. He wanted the two of them to get old together and he didn't mind if that meant sitting on their porch rocking chairs every day.

After Cathy gave Jack an ultimatum that either they get help in couples therapy or she would initiate divorce proceedings, Jack was shaken. Even though he had refused to attend couples therapy for years, he agreed to go at this point because he didn't want to lose Cathy.

Their couples therapist helped each of them to understand how their family backgrounds contributed to their personality development. 

Jack survived emotionally in his family by always being a "good boy" and never making waves. As Jack came to realize in his couples therapy, this meant the suppression of his personality. Keeping his head down and just getting through the day with his alcoholic father and passive mother became his unconscious survival strategy which continued into his adulthood--even though the danger was over and this survival strategy had outlived its usefulness.

Cathy survived emotionally in her family by suppressing her emotional needs and never allowing herself to want anything. She knew it would be hurtful to her parents if she expressed a desire for things they couldn't possibly give her so she developed her unconscious survival strategy of never asking for anything for herself--even during the early years of her marriage when she and her husband were financially successful.  

As they approached retirement, Cathy began to wonder what she might be missing in her life. Her best friend, Sara, was already enjoying her retirement years with her husband--traveling, taking new classes and exploring new ideas. Sara had even hinted to Cathy that she and her husband were having the best sex of their lives now that they had more time together without the stress of their careers.

When Cathy tried to talk to Jack about feeling bored and wanting to travel, he scoffed and dismissed her. Initially, she didn't have the courage to talk to Jack about reviving their sex life.

Once Cathy and Jack learned to improve their communication by breaking the negative cycle in their relationship, the next step was focusing on how to enliven their relationship.

Taking steps to enliven their relationship was exciting for Cathy, but it was frightening for Jack. He had spent most of his adult life suppressing his emotions as if he was still living at home with his alcoholic father. He didn't know if he could even allow himself to feel more alive.

During their couples therapy, Cathy learned to stop pressuring and criticizing Jack to be more alive because she realized that her pressure only made him withdraw more. 

Without the pressure, Jack and Cathy began to cultivate low-pressure aliveness: walks in nature, traveling and taking language classes together. Over time, Jack even agreed to take ballroom dance classes with Cathy which surprised both of them.

To revive their sex life, their couples therapist, who was also a certified sex therapist, asked them to start with nonsexual touch exercises called Sensate Focus where they started with the simple touch of hands, arms and other nonsexual areas of the body and progressed to more erotic touch over time.

Gradually, their sex life came alive in ways they both enjoyed. 

Conclusion

In couples sex therapy, the therapist gets full histories of family, relationship and sexual dynamics to understand the origin of the problems.

Individuals who come from impoverished backgrounds often unconsciously choose safety over aliveness initially in their relationship without even realizing it.

Individuals who come from families where there are dysfunctional dynamics, which include might include alcohol or drug abuse, often learn to be reserved to the point of suppressing aliveness.

What was once important in a relationship can change over time, especially as a couple ages and they consider what is important in life at a certain stage of their life. 

An awareness that time is passing and that there won't be as much time to enjoy life as there had been earlier in their relationship can lead to a reassessment of what each of them wants in life.

Couples therapy with a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help revive a couple to revive aliveness, including reviving their sex life, so that their relationship can be satisfying for both partners.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is a couples and sex therapist.

If your problems include sexual issues, make sure your couples therapist is a certified sex therapist (most couples therapist aren't trained to work with sexual problems).

By getting help in couples therapy, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, and advanced practitioner specializing in IFS Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, EMDR, EFT Couples Therapy and Sex Therapy.

I provide depth-oriented, experiential therapy to help individual adults and couples move past internal blockages into authentic relational alignment.

To learn more about my clinical background, clinical philosophy, and healing approach, please visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

• Office Location: I see clients in-person at my Greenwich Village office (New York, NY 10011) as well as online via secure telehealth.
• Initial Contact: I provide a complimentary 15-minute introductory phone call prior to scheduling an initial appointment.
• Contact Information: You can reach me directly at (917) 742-2624 during standard business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Recapturing a Sense of Aliveness

The Paradox of Love and Desire in Committed Relationships

What is Your Erotic Blueprint?

What is Sex Therapy? 

What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?

What Are 4 Warning Signs Your Relationship Could Be in Trouble?

Many couples who seek help in couples therapy wait until the relationship is in serious trouble or they are one step away from ending the relationship.

Problems in a Relationship

Most long term relationships usually don't end because of one argument. On the contrary, they usually end due to the repetition of the same issues that don't change: Feeling unseen, unheard, misunderstood and stuck in a negative cycle.

Although all long term relationships have their ups and downs, there are specific patterns of behavior that indicate deep trouble. These include:

1. Communication Problems

There are certain communication problems that often precede the breakup of a long term relationship:

• Stonewalling: One or both people in the relationship shutdown, withdraw or refuse to engage during discussions (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller in Your Relationship?)

• Extreme Defensiveness: Feedback is met with excuses or counter-attacks rather than active listening and responding (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting).

Communication Problems in a Relationship

• Off Limit Topics: One of both partners avoid talking about certain important issues due to fear of the other partner's response.

• Passive Aggressive Hinting: Dropping subtle (and not so subtle) clues or making sarcastic remarks instead of expressing needs directly and clearly.

2. Emotional Distance: Emotional distance often develops and grows over time in relationships that are in trouble:

• Living Like Roommates: Although you share a physical space, you no longer share your thoughts, feelings, vulnerabilities, hopes and dreams or even talk about the highlights of your day.

Emotional Disconnection in a Relationship

• Fading or Absent Physical Intimacy: Physical intimacy declines over time and might be absent for months or years. There is no sexual or non-sexual expressions of affection--no holding hands, no hugs or cuddling (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?).

• Feeling Relief During Absence: Feeling a sense of relief and peace during times when you are apart.

• Intentionally Withholding: Intentionally withholding time, affection, interest and, possibly, withholding financial openness as a tool to punish a partner.

3. Chronic, Unhealthy Conflict

This might include:

• "Looping" Arguments: Having the same conflict over and over again without ever reaching a compromise or solution (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Chronic Conflict in a Relationship

• The Relationship Scorecard: Continually bringing up old mistakes to blame your partner and try to "win" current arguments (see my article: How to Stop Keeping Score in Your Relationship).

• Personalized Attacks: Shifting from discussing a partner's current particular behavior to attacking your partner's character.

• Lack of Repair After Conflict; Ruptures and arguments happen frequently, but neither partner steps forward to apologize or to genuinely try to heal the emotional wound.

4. Toxic and Controlling Behavior

These might include:

• Holding the Relationship Commitment Hostage: Threatening a breakup or divorce over minor, every day disagreements as a way to manipulate the other person.

Toxic and Controlling Behavior in a Relationship

• Walking on Eggshells: Constantly monitoring your own behavior, words and tone to avoid triggering a partner's anger.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates the long term relationship can decline over time and how couples therapy can help:

Jane and Peter

During the early stage of their relationship, Jane and Peter had a happy, passionate relationship. 

Two years after they met, they got married and both of them developed busy careers.  Initially, they made sure to make time for each other on the weekends, but over the years, as ongoing conflicts developed, they stopped prioritizing their relationship and spent less time together.

Peter resented Jane's close relationship with her sister. He felt that Jane was constantly trying to solve her sister's problems. But when he complained to her about it, Jane refused to talk about it. After a while, as his resentment grew, Peter resorted to making sarcastic remarks to Jane whenever she got together with her sister. Inwardly, he was hurting, but he didn't know how to express his wounded feelings.

Jane resented Peter's long hours at work. She knew Peter didn't want to hear her complain about the time he spent at work, so she seethed inwardly. Sometimes she made caustic remarks ("I think you must be having an affair with someone at work"), but rather than addressing her complaints, Peter stonewalled and spent most of his time in his home office. Underneath her anger and resentment, Jane really missed spending time with Peter, but she felt too vulnerable to tell him this.

Problems in a Relationship

Several years later, they both felt lonely in their relationship. They were co-existing in the same New York City apartment as if they were roommates. They hadn't had sex in years and they were no longer physically affectionate with one another. Even though they still loved each other, they hadn't expressed love for one another in years.

Their biggest problem was their emotional disconnection, but neither of them felt comfortable enough to bring that up, so they had ongoing arguments about money instead. Peter accused Jane of spending too much money and Jane accused Peter of being cheap.

When Peter planned to be away on a business trip for a few days, he sensed that Jane was relieved that he wouldn't be around. On the surface, he was aware of being angry, but deep down he felt sad and hurt.

When Peter returned from his business trip, he could feel Jane's resentment. After a while, he felt overwhelmed by the problems between them and he told her, "I don't even know why we're together. If things don't get better between us, I think we should get a divorce."

Jane felt shaken by Peter's threat of divorce. She wanted to talk to him, but she was afraid of being rebuffed by him. Later that day when she saw her sister, Jane was in tears. She knew things were bad in her marriage, but she couldn't believe Peter was threatening divorce.

Jane's sister told her that when her close friend had marital problems, she sought help from an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) and they were making progress.

After Jane got the name of the EFT therapist, she took a deep breath and spoke to Peter about it. To her surprise, he listened to her and admitted that he would like to try to work on their relationship.

Their EFT couples therapist helped them to identify the recurring negative cycle in their relationship and provided them with tools and strategies to overcome this cycle.

Since their problems were long-standing and entrenched, the work was neither quick nor easy, but they made steady progress over time.

Their couples therapist was also a certified sex therapist, so after Jane and Peter worked through their emotional disconnection and recurring arguments, they made progress on improving their sex life.

Conclusion

Many couples wait until their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek help.

Like most difficult problems, relationship problems are easier to solve when problems first develop--before they become entrenched.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with relationship problems, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If your problems include sexual issues, seek help from a couples therapist who is also a certified sex therapist (not all couples therapists are trained to deal with sexual problems).

A skilled couples therapist can help you to work through your issues so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS/Parts Work, EFT couples therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute call before setting up an appointment.

To contact me, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: How Does Avoidance Push Ambivalence Underground?

Avoidance drives ambivalence underground by forcing intense internal conflicts into unconscious states of denial and behavioral withdrawal (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Behavior That Don't Work For You: Avoidance).

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Underground

When one or both partners in a relationship avoids dealing with their problems, they enter into a stalemate where the problems aren't addressed and internal conflicts grow. This can lead to increased emotional disconnection in the relationship.

How Does Avoidance Push Ambivalence Underground?

• Creating Internal Stalemate: When love or closeness threatens an individual's sense of self, their nervous system forces a move toward emotional isolation. This pushes the internal conflict into a hidden, often unspoken state, creating intense emotions that keep looping.

• Using Distractions and Substitutes: People who tend to avoid often create intense, externalized activities, including workaholism, spending an excessive amount of time on hobbies or shallow outside connections to fulfill emotional needs without facing the vulnerability of their relationship.

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Undergrouond

• Reinterpreting Intimacy as Danger: By treating emotional intimacy as a threat to their safety or autonomy, the desire for closeness is pushed underground by a default survival reflex which creates emotional distance.

• Boundary Setting Disguised as Vagueness: Instead of discussing the conflict directly, people who use avoidance often use vague statements like "I need more time" or "I'm not ready yet". This often hides the deeper inner conflict.

• Panic Can Overwhelm Love: By the time the conflict rises to the surface, the individual's actions are motivated by panic rather than love and this masks their true wants and needs.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how avoidance pushes ambivalence underground and how therapy can help:

Jack

Jack met Linda when both of them were in their mid-30s. They both felt drawn to each other  immediately. 

Several months into their relationship, Jack's apartment lease was about to expire and Linda suggested that he move in with her. 

Initially, Jack agreed and then, as the date to move in with Linda got closer, he became increasingly anxious.  Linda tried to talk to Jack about his anxiety, but he put her off by saying, "I think it's too soon to move in together. I need more time to think about it." 

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Underground

Instead of moving in, Jack extended his lease for several more months to give himself time. In the meantime, Linda experienced her own anxiety about what Jack's ambivalence meant for their relationship.

Eventually, Jack moved in with Linda, but they spent less time together than when they were dating and living apart. He would spend long hours at the office and, when he was home, he spent much of his free time playing video games. 

When Linda tried to talk to Jack about his emotional distance, she felt she was getting nowhere because he made excuses. 

A few months after they moved in together, Linda told him that she was feeling increasingly lonely since he was either distracted with work or playing video games. She reminded him that she had told him early on in their relationship that she wanted to get married and have children and she was worried that their relationship was stagnating and time was passing.

Jack told her that he wasn't ready to consider marriage and he was nowhere near ready to think about children, "I feel like you're pressuring me when you know I'm not ready. I need time."

At that point, Linda gave Jack an ultimatum: Either they go to couples therapy to deal with their problems or she would leave him. 

Not wanting to lose Linda, Jack agreed to attend couples therapy, but his ambivalence continued to play out in couples therapy: He would make excuses not to go or find other reasons to avoid their sessions.

When the couples therapist confronted Jack with his ambivalence, he felt like he wanted to leave therapy rather than deal with his internal conflicts. But he knew if he stopped going to couples therapy altogether, he would lose Linda.

Over time, as the couples therapist got to know Linda and Jack better and understood their family histories, she pointed out the negative cycle that Jack and Linda were stuck in. She also pointed out how Jack's parents' marriage affected him: His father felt engulfed by his mother's emotional needs and he would find ways to avoid spending time with her.

As Jack became aware of the impact of his parents' relationship and the behaviors he was repeating in his own relationship, he knew he didn't want to make the same mistakes his parents made and he became more committed to working on his relationship in couples therapy.

Linda and Jack both learned tools and strategies to dig deeper into their unconscious motivations and how these motivations played out in their relationship.

Over time, Jack gradually became much less fearful of emotional intimacy and more committed to his relationship with Linda.  He allowed himself to be more emotionally present and vulnerable so that he was ready to make a commitment to get married. 

Several months after they got married, Linda became pregnant and she and Jack looked forward to raising a child together.

Conclusion

Avoidance pushes ambivalence underground by forcing internal conflicts into unconscious states of denial and withdrawal.

Avoidance Pushes Ambivalence Underground

The person who uses ambivalence to avoid these internal conflicts often doesn't realize they are using avoidance to push down ambivalence because this is an unconscious process.

When this occurs in a relationship, the other partner can feel like they are being strung along and then they need to make their own decisions.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can help couples to see the negative cycle they are stuck in and provide them with ways to get out of the stalemate if they choose to get out.

In situations like this, the person who feels they are being strung along will often tell their partner to get help in individual therapy, but this is a relationship problem so it needs to be addressed by both individuals in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner feel stuck in patterns that are causing problems in your relationship, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in working with couples.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT couples therapist, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

Over the years, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

What is Avoidance Coping? 

How to Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship 

Fear of Being Emotionally Vulnerable in a Relationship  

Dealing With an Ambivalent Partner 

Overcoming Ambivalence

 

Relationships: Overcoming a Pattern of Emotional Shutdown

There are couples who come to couples therapy where one or both people really believe they don't have emotions.  However, research indicates that all human beings have emotions including happiness, sadness, fear, disgust and surprise regardless of culture (see my article: Are You Able to Express Your Emotions to Your Partner?).

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

These emotions are biologically driven and linked to distinct facial expressions, so the capacity for emotions is a shared human experience (see my article: What Are the Benefits of Experiencing Your Emotions?).

What is Alexithymia?

It's estimated that anywhere from 5-15% of people have alexithymia, which is a condition where people have difficulty identifying, processing and expressing emotions.  The exact cause of alexithymia is unknown as of this writing. Psychotherapy with a therapist who is trained to treat alexithymia combined with medication is usually the recommended course of treatment.

What's Really Happening For the Other 85-95% of People in Relationships Who Believe They Don't Have Emotions?

What about the other 85-95% of people who don't have alexithymia who say they don't have emotions?

In most other cases, people who believe they don't experience emotions have one of the following problems:

• Emotional Unavailability: People who have experienced traumatic conditions can experience difficulty connecting with and expressing emotions. They might believe they don't have emotions but, in reality, they don't realize their difficulty.

• Emotional Repression: People who repress their emotions, either consciously or unconsciously, suppress their emotions, especially after traumatic incidents.

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• Trauma Response: People who experienced a traumatic event can shut down their emotions as a maladaptive coping mechanism or defense mechanism.

• Learned Behavior: If individuals grew up in a family where they were discouraged from expressing emotions, they often don't learn to identify and express their emotions. This is especially true if a healthy expression of emotions wasn't modeled for them in their family. This learned behavior can be related to the three conditions mentioned above (emotional unavailability, emotional repression and trauma response).

What Are the Underlying Reasons When People Shut Down Their Emotions?

People who shut down their emotions often do so for one or more of the following reasons:

• Fear getting overwhelmed

• Fear of feeling helpless

• Feeling ashamed

• Fear of being rejected

• Fear of being abandoned
  

What is the Impact on a Relationship When One or Both People Suppress Their Emotions?

Shutting down emotions, whether it's done consciously or unconsciously, becomes an obstacle in the relationship:

• Communication breaks down (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship)

• Loss of trust

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• Loneliness, isolation and feelings of neglect for the non-withdrawing partner (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship)

• Resentment grows

• A decrease in emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

• A negative cycle of withdrawal and feelings of neglect and loneliness for the non-withdrawing partner, which perpetuates the emotional disconnection between the partners. Over time, it becomes increasingly difficult to resolve conflicts.

Clinical Vignette: Overcoming the Negative Cycle of Ongoing Emotional Shutdown

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed, illustrates how this negative cycle develops and how couples therapy can help:

Sandy and Eric

When Sandy and Eric sought help in couples therapy, they were almost ready to file for divorce.

Emotional Shutdown in a Relationship

At the time, they were together for seven years and married for five. Sandy was the one who suggested they try couples therapy before they split up. 

Sandy told the couples therapist she felt alone in her relationship because Eric wasn't able to express his emotions. As a result, she said, problems that came up weren't resolved because they weren't able to talk about them.

When it was clear to the couples therapist that Eric wasn't alexithymic and he was able to feel and express his emotions in other areas of his life, she asked Eric to become curious about his problems with expressing emotions.

Eric spoke about his family history and how his father often told him when he was growing up that boys who cried were "sissies". 

He told Eric that boys and men should control their emotions and shouldn't allow themselves to feel highs and lows. Instead, according to his father, Eric should focus on being logical and avoid displays of emotions (see my article: Why Family History is Important in Therapy).

Although as an adult, he understood that his father had his own problems with emotions and that he gave him bad advice, Eric didn't know how what he was feeling most of the time so it was hard to talk to Sandy, especially when they were having a disagreement. So, not knowing what else to do, he would withdraw emotionally and sometimes physically as well.

Hearing Eric talking about his difficult childhood, Sandy felt a deep sense of compassion for him and she reached out to hold his hand. When Eric felt the touch of Sandy's hand, his eyes welled up with tears, "I didn't realize until now that I've been so lonely and I've missed being touched by Sandy. I don't want to lose you, Sandy."

Their couples therapist worked with them to help Sandy to be patient and to help Eric to use the mind-body connection to identify and express his emotions. Over time, he learned that when he felt tightness in his throat, he felt sad and when he felt his stomach tighten, he felt fear. 

Gradually, Eric learned to use bodily awareness to identify and express emotions to Sandy and Sandy's empathy helped her to meet Eric halfway. 

As Eric allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable with Sandy, they developed increased emotional intimacy with each other. As emotional intimacy developed, they gradually found their way back to sexual intimacy (see my article: Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability).

EFT Couples Therapy Can Help

Their progress in couples therapy wasn't linear (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

They still experienced problems with communication from time to time when Eric had difficulty being emotionally vulnerable, but they were able to discuss these difficulties and work out the problem.

Conclusion

There can be many reasons why people believe they don't experience emotions, as discussed above but, as mentioned earlier, most human beings are wired for experiencing and expressing emotions.

When emotional shutdown occurs in a relationship, it poses significant stress on the relationship and, over time, can lead to a breakup.

Couples who attend Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) can develop the skills to overcome these difficulties if both people are motivated.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Dealing with relationship problems in couples therapy is easier when couples seek help sooner rather than later because patterns aren't ingrained yet.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Are You a Stonewaller?

How Suppressing Your Emotions Can Lead to Medical and Psychological Problems

How to Manage Your Emotions Without Suppressing Them