What is a Common Relationship Conflict Between Partners With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles?

Today's article is focused on a common relationship conflict where one partner has an anxious attachment style and the other has an avoidant attachment style (see my article: Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

Conflicts Between Partners With An Anxious and An Avoidant Style

According to Julie Menanno, Emotionally Focused Therapist and author of Secure Love, there is usually a pattern to these conflicts which involve the couple's negative cycle (see my article: Identifying the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

What is a Common Conflict Between Partners With Anxious and Avoidant Attachment?

In her book, Julie Menanno discusses a common dynamic between partners based on their attachment styles (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Your Relationship).

An example of this would be when the partner with anxious attachment brings up a concern, they often come across as critical, judgmental or accusatory. In most cases, this partner doesn't intend to be negative. 

On a deeper level, this partner is just trying hard to be heard, but they come across as wanting to pick a fight. 

When the first partner is trying to be heard, but comes across in a negative way, the partner with an avoidant attachment style feels like their partner is attacking them. They feel misunderstood and like they're being blamed, so they react defensively. 

They might come across in different ways. They might get defensive and respond in an overly rational way. They might invalidate their partner's concerns. They might also shutdown, which is also known as stonewalling.

On a deeper level, this partner feels unappreciated and they are trying to defend against feeling like a failure in the relationship. But they don't come across that way. They come across as if they're not paying attention to their anxious partner. 

When the person with anxious attachment hears their partner's response, they feel invalidated and become frustrated. They react with anger because they want to be heard. But on a deeper level, they feel alone and they're desperately trying to get their partner's attention.

In response to the anxious partner's frustration and increasing anger, the avoidant partner feels even more attacked. The avoidant partner doesn't want to make the argument worse so, without realizing it, they shutdown even more. But on a deeper level, they feel ashamed and powerless.

These types of conflicts often go unresolved because each partner feels they can't get through to the other partner and their responses to each other only creates more conflict.

Even when both partners decide to let go of the conflict, one of them, often the anxious partner, will eventually bring it up again at another time in an effort to get to the bottom of hte problem. Their intention is to overcome their problem in the relationship, but this only leads to the couple going through their negative cycle again.

After a while, this becomes their ongoing negative cycle with each partner feeling more frustrated and alone.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how an anxious and avoidant partner typically go through a conflict. As always, this vignette is a composite of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Tom and Jane

Tom and Jane were married for five years when they sought help in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?).

Both of them worked at stressful jobs. They also had two small active children in an apartment they owned in New York City. So, aside from their relationship problems, they had other major stressors in their lives.

Each of them agreed that after the initial honeymoon phase of their relationship, they started getting into conflicts over seemingly small issues.

Jane gave an example of one of their recent arguments about an ongoing issue where she felt she had to continuously remind Tom to do the laundry. 

Conflicts Between Partners With An Anxious and An Avoidant Style

According to Jane, they had agreed to divide up a list of chores where one of Tom's chores was to do the laundry. But even though he had agreed to do this weekly task, Tom would often let more than two weeks go by before he did the laundry--to the point where their children were running out of clean clothes to wear. 

Jane said she would remind him a few times after a week had gone by, which she resented doing.  Then he would accuse her of nagging him, which would precipitate an argument.

While he listened to Jane speak, Tom was slumped in his chair with a sullen expression on his face.  Then, when it was his turn to speak, Tom said he realized he was negligent in not doing the laundry, but he felt attacked by Jane and, eventually, he would tune her out because listening to her was too overwhelming.

Jane responded that when she felt Tom was ignoring her, she felt frustrated and angry. She admitted that when she felt that way, she would raise her voice. Even though she often regretted getting so angry afterwards, she didn't know how else to get through to Tom. 

They both realized they were becoming more and more emotionally disconnected from each other.

Over time, the EFT therapist helped Jane and Tom to see each of their attachment styles and how these styles contributed to their negative cycle: Jane had an anxious attachment style and Tom had an avoidant attachment style.

Couples Can Work Out Their Problems in EFT Couples Therapy

Their therapist also helped them to change their negative cycle so they could relate to each other in a more caring, compassionate way.

Tom realized he was behaving in a passive aggressive way by delaying doing the laundry. With the therapist's help, he also realized he was unconsciously repeating a dynamic he saw as a child between his parents who had similar arguments. So, he became much more diligent in doing his half of the chores in a timely manner.

Tom also became aware of how frustrating it was for Jane to remind him continuously of what he needed to do, so he had a lot more compassion for her, especially when he realized how her childhood history was, unconsciously, impacting her in their relationship.

Jane realized her anger was partly fueled by her childhood history where she saw her mother struggling to keep up with all the household chores while her father either relaxed at home or played golf on the weekends with his friends. So, Jane learned in couples therapy to separate her anger for her father from her anger for her husband. 

Jane also became aware that Tom's behavior was unconsciously related to his childhood history, and she developed a lot more compassion for him.

Getting to the point where they each felt compassion and understanding for each other was neither quick nor easy because their negative cycle was so ingrained. But they were both motivated to improve their relationship, so they persevered in couples therapy.

Conclusion

Couples often wait until they're fed up to get help. 

It's not unusual for couples to seek help in couples therapy when one or both of them are already contemplating ending the relationship.

By then, their negative cycle has become an ingrained pattern.

Typically, couples who seek help early on have a better chance of working out their problems in couples therapy in a shorter amount of time. 

So, if you're having problems in your relationship, seek help sooner rather than later if you want to save your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling with ongoing problems, seek help from an Emotionally Focused therapist (EFT).

EFT has been shown in research to be an effective modality for helping couples to change their negative cycle.

Once you have learned how to change your negative cycle, you and your partner can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Avoidant Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle In Your Relationship

In my prior article, I focused on people who have an anxious attachment style in their relationship. 

In today's article, I'm focusing on people who have an avoidant attachment style from an Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples (EFT) perspective.

An Avoidant Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

As I mentioned in the prior article, approximately 80% of couples have the anxious-avoidant attachment style dynamic in their relationship (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style in Your Relationship?).

Characteristics of an Avoidant Attachment Style During a Relationship Conflict

People with an avoidant attachment style might have some or all of the following characteristics:

• Withdrawing emotionally during a conflict

• Behaving in a disdainful way towards a partner who shows emotion

• Appearing to be distant or aloof

• Giving their partner the "silent treatment" (also known as stonewalling)

• Seeing themselves as independent and self-sufficient (as part of a defense mechanism)

How to Overcome the Negative Cycle in an Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic

As I mentioned in my previous article, each partner, regardless of their attachment style, can learn new relationship skills in EFT couples sessions including (but not limited to):

• Developing a self reflective capacity to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and behavior before you express them

• Learning to respond instead of react (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress)

• Creating an emotionally safe environment to talk about difficult issues in your relationship

• Learning to be compassionate with yourself and your partner

• Learning to engage in active listening, so you understand what your partner is trying to communicate to you, instead of being focused on what you want to say next

• Learning to be emotionally vulnerable, assuming you and your partner have created an emotionally safe environment, to create closeness (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you both might be struggling to improve your relationship.

Rather than continuing in a negative cycle, seek help from a licensed mental health professional, who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples.

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to create the changes you both want so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist, couples therapist and sex therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples. 

I have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, EMDR, AEDP, hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Your Anxious Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

In prior articles, I've discussed breaking the negative cycle in a relationship from an Emotionally Focused Therapy perspective (see my articles: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy? and Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

In the current article, I'm focusing specifically on becoming aware of an anxious attachment style so you and your partner can break the negative cycle in your relationship (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style in Your Relationship?).

Approximately 80% of people with an anxious attachment style get into relationships with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, so in future articles, I'll focus on the avoidant attachment style.

Characteristics of an Anxious Attachment Style During a Relationship Conflict

To their credit, people who have an anxious attachment style are usually the ones who take action to try to solve relationship problems. 

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

They're usually the ones in a relationship to point out when there's a problem and they're often proactive about trying to find a solution to relationship problems when their more avoidant partner might want to avoid, dismiss or deflect the problems.

Many people with an anxious attachment style also tend to engage in counterproductive behavior in a desperate attempt to be heard by their partner, including:

• Blaming their partner

• Protesting to their partner

• Criticizing and accusing their partner (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

If you have an anxious attachment style in your relationship, you might recognize some or all of these behaviors.  

You might also realize that, if you have a partner with a more avoidant attachment style, when you blame, protest, criticize and accuse them, they withdraw even further.  

Their withdrawal probably makes you feel even more anxious, so you blame, protest, criticize and accuse even more, which makes your partner withdraw even more, and this becomes the negative cycle in your relationship.

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

As a couples therapist with advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, I understand that this is your way of trying to get your partner to acknowledge your pain, create change and seek closeness.  But perpetuating the negative cycle doesn't work.  It only makes things worse.  

Each partner, regardless of their attachment style, needs to learn new relationship skills in EFT couples sessions including (but not limited to):

• Developing a self reflective capacity to become aware of your thoughts, feelings and behavior before you express them

• Learning to respond instead of react (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress)

An Anxious Attachment Style and the Negative Cycle

• Doing your part, together with your partner, to create an emotionally safe environment to talk about difficult issues in your relationship

• Learning to be compassionate with yourself and your partner

• Learning to engage in active listening, so you understand what your partner is trying to communicate to you, instead of being focused on what you want to say next

• Learning to be emotionally vulnerable, assuming you and your partner have created an emotionally safe environment, to create closeness (see my article:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Intimacy)

Also see my article: Understanding Your Avoidant Attachment Style Can Help You to Break the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are stuck in a negative cycle, you both might be struggling to improve your relationship.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than continuing to perpetuate the negative cycle in your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples.

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to create the changes you both want so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist, couples therapist and sex therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples. 

I have advanced training in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, EMDR, AEDP, hypnotherapy, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is the Connection Between Attachment Styles and Sexual Satisfaction?

In Dr. Emily Nagoski's book, Come As You Are, she discusses the connection between attachment styles and sexual satisfaction (see my article: Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment on Adult Relationships).

How Attachment Styles Develop Early in Life

Your attachment style is developed early in life with your primary caregiver (usually a mother). Attachment styles are broadly divided into secure and insecure attachment, and 50-60% of people develop secure attachment early in life.

Early Attachment Between Mother and Baby

People who develop a secure attachment style early in life might not have received "perfect" caregiving (nothing is perfect), but it was good enough to help them to grow up to be securely attached individuals.

Everyone else, who didn't develop a secure attachment style, is somewhere on the insecure attachment spectrum between anxious and avoidant attachment (see my articles: How an Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life and How an Anxious Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life).

There is also an attachment style called disorganized attachment which is a combination of anxious and avoidant due to early experiences with highly inconsistent caregiving.  But for our purposes, I'll simplify this discussion by focusing on anxious and avoidant attachment.

Before I go further, I'd like to emphasize that if you have an insecure attachment style (either anxious or avoidant), you're not doomed to live with it for the rest of your life.  You can develop a secure attachment style by working on your early attachment wounds in therapy or over time by getting into a healthy relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style. 

Attachment Styles in Relationships

Attachment styles developed early in life have an impact on adult relationships and sexual well-being.  

Based on Dr. Nagoski's book, let's compare attachment styles in relationships in terms of emotional vulnerability, emotional security and an ability to allow a partner to meet emotional needs (see my articles:  Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy in a Relationship and Fear of Emotional Vulnerability).

Comfort With Showing Emotional Vulnerability:
Secure Attachment:       "I'm comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with my partner."

Anxious Attachment:    "If I share my thoughts and feelings with my partner, I'm afraid I'll lose my partner's love."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to share my deepest emotions with my partner."

Feeling Emotionally Secure in a Relationship:

Secure Attachment:        "I hardly ever worry about my partner leaving me."

Anxious Attachment:     "I tend to worry that my partner will leave me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I have a hard time relying emotionally on a romantic partner."

Ability to Turn to a Partner to Get Emotional Needs Met:

Secure Attachment:       "I feel comfortable turning to my partner in times of need."

Anxious Attachment:    "I worry I care more about my partner than they care about me."

Avoidant Attachment:    "I prefer not to get too close to a romantic partner."

Secure Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

According to Dr. Nagoski, a 2012 sex research study revealed that people with secure attachment styles tend to have a healthier and a more satisfying sex life.

Secure Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition they tend to have:

• More positive feelings about sex
• More frequent sex
• Better experiences with sexual arousal and more frequent orgasms
• Better communication with their partner about sex
• The ability to give and receive sexual consent
• The ability to practice safer sex (such as using contraceptives)
• The ability to enjoy sex more
• The ability to be attentive to their partner's needs
• The ability to comfortably link sex and love
• The ability to have sex in a loving committed relationship
• More sexual self confidence (see my article: What is Sexual Self Esteem?)

Insecure/Anxious Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an anxious attachment style tend to have more anxiety-driven sex with their partner through solace sex, which is an emotionally unhealthy way to have sex and can make sex less satisfying (see my article: Anxious Attachment and Solace Sex to understand the concept of solace sex).  

Anxious Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

In addition, they tend to: 

• Worry about sex
• Equate the quality of their sex life with the quality of the relationship
• Be more likely to experience pain during sexual intercourse (referring to women)
• Be more likely to experience erectile dysfunction (referring to men)
• Be less likely to practice safe sex (use of condoms)
• Be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs before sex
• Have more sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies
• Be more likely to get involved in coercive relationships where they are emotionally, physically and/or sexually abused or bullied

Insecure/Avoidant Attachment Style and Sexual Satisfaction

Compared to people with a secure attachment style, people with an avoidant attachment style tend to have less satisfying sexual relationships.

Avoidant Attachment and Sexual Satisfaction

They tend to:

• Begin having sex later in life
• Have less frequent sex with less non-penetrative sex (e.g., oral sex)
• Have positive attitudes about casual sex outside a committed relationship so they have more one-night stands
• Be more likely to have sex just to fit in with social expectations rather than because they really want to have sex
• Experience sex as less connected to their personal lives and relationships

Conclusion

Overall, people with a secure attachment style tend to experience more relationship and sexual satisfaction.

In order to have more sexually satisfying relationships and overall sexual well-being, people with insecure attachment styles (whether it is anxious or avoidant) need to work on overcoming their early emotional attachment wounds so they can develop a secure attachment style.

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my articles: What is Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, no nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are the Most Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?)

As I mentioned earlier, people who have an insecure attachment style, whether it's anxious or avoidant, can learn to develop a secure attachment style by working on their unresolved emotional attachment wounds in therapy (see my article: Developing a Secure Attachment Style: What is Earned Secure Attachment?).

You deserve to be in a fulfilling relationship with good sex.

If you would like to improve the quality of your relationship and sexual-welling, seek help from a skilled sex therapist who is also a trauma therapist.  

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

As a sex positive trauma and sex therapist, I have helped many clients to have better relationships and improve their overall sexual well-being (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

          

How to Prevent Conflict Avoidance From Destroying Your Relationship

What is Conflict Avoidance?

Although most people experience arguments and conflicts as stressful and uncomfortable, people who are conflict avoidant find it especially intolerable. They will often go to great lengths to avoid or end an argument rather than remain in it to try to find a resolution.  This is called conflict avoidance.

Conflict Avoidance in a Relationship

Although conflict avoidance is common in many relationships, this phenomenon is especially frustrating for the other partner because problems in the relationship don't get resolved and this is what often brings people into couples therapy.

People who are conflict avoiders often have an avoidant attachment style (see my article: Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style).

When a partner wants to talk about a problem in the relationship, the partner who wants to avoid conflict will typically act in one of the following ways to avoid dealing with the conflict or keep the argument from escalating:

• Apologize quickly, possibly without understanding what they're apologizing about or if they are even feel sorry

• Accommodate immediately, possibly without considering whether they really want to do it or can do it

• Agree without much thought as to whether they actually agree because they just want the conflict to be over

• Stonewall, which often means refusing to talk about the situation or walking out of the room to avoid the conflict (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

What Causes Conflict Avoidance?

People who are conflict avoidant get so uncomfortable with arguments or conflicts that they find it emotionally intolerable (see my article: Understanding the Partner Who Withdraws Emotionally).

Externally they might appear to be calm or even indifferent, but someone who is conflict avoidant is usually experiencing a high degree of stress internally.

Conflict avoidance is often rooted in unresolved childhood trauma where arguments or family conflict was out of control.

Alternatively, the person who is conflict avoidant might have had some other traumatic incident that gets triggered whenever there is a current conflict.  This might have involved a prior relationship where there was rage or even violence.  Or it might be related to some other prior traumatic experience (see my article: How is Emotional Avoidance Related to Unresolved Trauma?).

Whatever the cause for conflict avoidance, this person will try to dodge conflict in whatever way they can.

What Are the Negative Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Conflicts avoidance, even mild cases of it, is a serious issue.

The Negative Consequences of Conflict Avoidance

Not only does the conflict remain unresolved, but anger and resentment festers and grows.

The ongoing stress of conflict avoidance affects not only the couple but also their children who can sense there are problems below the surface that aren't being dealt with by the couple.

Conflict avoidance can cause chronic stress which can result in stress-related health and mental health problems including:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Digestive problems
• Insomnia
• Headaches
• Muscle aches
• High blood pressure
• Strokes
• Weight gain
• Memory and concentration impairment

What to Do If You Are Conflict Avoidant

There are steps you can take if you are conflict avoidant, including:

• Work Through Unresolved Trauma in Trauma Therapy: You can work through your unresolved trauma in individual therapy so it no longer gets triggered now (see my article: Working Through Unresolved Trauma So It No Longer Affects You in the Present).

• Learn to Tolerate Uncomfortable Emotions in Individual Therapy: You can learn to develop the capacity to deal with uncomfortable emotions (see my article: Expanding Your Window of Tolerance For Uncomfortable Emotions).

• Work in Couples Therapy to Improve Communication in the Relationship: Developing good communication skills in your relationship is an important part of maintaining a healthy relationship (see my article: How to Become More Emotionally Available in Your Relationship).

Conclusion

Conflict avoidance is common.

People who are conflict avoidant often have prior unresolved trauma that gets triggered whenever there is an argument or conflict in their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Affects Your Ability to Be Emotionally Vulnerable in an Adult Relationship).

The long term consequences of conflict avoidance includes ongoing problems that remain unresolved, resentments that build up, chronic stress and stress-related health and mental health problems as well as a negative emotional impact on the couples' children.  

Get Help in Therapy to Salvage Your Relationship

A relationship where there is conflict avoidance can be salvaged in individual and couples therapy if the couple doesn't wait too long to get help and if they're willing to do the work on their relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How An Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life - Part 2

In Part 1 of this discussion on avoidant attachment style and sex, I described how this attachment style can affect your sex life. In this article, I'm providing a clinical vignette as an illustration of what I discussed in Part 1.

How An Avoidant Attachment Style Can Affect Your Sex Life

Attachment styles develop early in childhood (see my article: How Early Attachment Bonds Affect Adult Relationships).

An avoidant attachment style is one of three insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and disorganized (see my article: What is Your Attachment Style?).

As I mentioned in a previous article, unless you work in therapy to overcome the issues that caused you to develop an insecure attachment style, your attachment style will continue to impact you in your adult relationships, especially in romantic relationships (see my article: How Your Attachment Style Affects Adult Relationships).

As I mentioned in Part 1, if you have an avoidant attachment style, some or all of the following characteristics might apply to you. You might:

• Have a discomfort with sexual activities that involve emotional closeness, like cuddling, hugging or so on.

• Not enjoy foreplay.

• Prefer casual, uncommitted relationships with emotionless sex (e.g, hook ups).

• Have sexual affairs outside of your relationship.

• Use sex mostly as a way to reduce stress and anxiety.

• Use sex as a way to gain status among your peers (e.g., bragging about how many people you slept with, and so on).

• Have fantasies about having sex with other people (other than your partner) as a way to emotionally distance yourself from your partner.

• Have a hard time relating to a partner who likes to feel emotionally close during sex.  This is especially problematic if your partner is someone who has an anxious attachment style and needs to feel emotionally close during sex.

• Be dismissive of your partner's need for emotional intimacy (see my article: What is the Difference Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy?).

• Prefer relationships where there are few emotional demands being made on you.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Joe

Joe, who was 38 years old, sought help in therapy because his girlfriend was complaining that she was unhappy with how "cold" he was toward her when they had sex.  She liked to cuddle, hug and be hugged, but he usually pushed her away because these affectionate gestures made him feel uncomfortable.

Initially, Joe told his therapist that he didn't think he needed to be in therapy. He said therapy was for "weak people." He explained he was mostly coming to appease his girlfriend, someone he thought of as being "needy" (see my article:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak").

But as Joe continued with his therapy sessions and his therapist explained attachment styles to him, he got curious as to how all of this might apply to him.   

When Joe talked about his family background, he explained that his parents wanted him to be "independent" as a young child.  Also, as a child, he didn't want to be a "burden" to them (see my article: Seeing Yourself as Independent vs Experiencing Shame For Feeling Like a Burden).

He said they were usually preoccupied with their own problems, and they expected him to be able to solve his problems without their help.

When he started elementary school at age 5, he was small for his age and some of the bigger children in his class would bully him after school.  They would taunt him, call him names like "Shorty," and push him around.  Whenever this happened, he didn't know how to defend himself.

One day when he came home from school in tears, he told his mother that he was being bullied and she responded, "Stop being a crybaby! If they push you, defend yourself--push them back."  Then, when his father came home, his father told him, "Don't be weak! We can't fight your battles for you! You have to learn to take care of yourself."

Joe felt too ashamed to tell his parents that he didn't know how to defend himself.  On top of that, he felt ashamed for coming home tearful and being "weak." So, he learned to hide his more vulnerable feelings from other people and, eventually, without even realizing it, he learned to suppress his "negative" feelings altogether.

He also told his therapist that his parents didn't believe in "spoiling" children with hugs and expressions of affection, so he never experienced this with his parents. But as soon as Joe said this, he became defensive and said, "My parents were good parents.  They knew what was best for me."

It took a while in therapy before Joe could let go of his defensiveness to see that he was emotionally neglected at home and that his parents grew up under similar circumstances, which is why they didn't know how to express affection towards him or even with each other (see my articles: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect? and Adults Who Were Emotionally Neglected as Children Often Have a Problem Trusting Others).

Over time, Joe could see how his childhood experiences at home caused him to develop an avoidant attachment style and how that attachment style affected his relationship with his girlfriend.

He grieved in therapy for the emotional neglect he experienced as a child. He and his therapist also used EMDR therapy to process the trauma related to these experiences (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain and EMDR Therapy Helps to Achieve Emotional Breakthroughs).

Although, initially, Joe believed he was in therapy to appease his girlfriend, after a while, he realized and appreciated that he needed it for himself.  This allowed him to be curious and more psychologically minded (see my article: Starting Therapy: Developing a Sense of Psychological Mindedness).

The more he processed his trauma with EMDR, the more open he became to his own emotional vulnerability, which allowed him to be more openly affectionate and loving towards his girlfriend (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Greater Intimacy).

Getting Help in Therapy

To get to the root of your avoidant attachment style, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who has the expertise to help you overcome your childhood trauma where your attachment style first developed.

EMDR therapy as well as other trauma therapies, like Somatic Experiencing, AEDP, clinical hypnosis and Ego States work are all therapies that can help you to overcome trauma.

Rather than continuing to engage in the same destructive behavior patterns based on your avoidant attachment style, seek help so you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist).

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during regular business hours or email me.