Relationships: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict So You Can Have Healthy Communication

Conflicts are inevitable in relationships, but many individuals avoid conflicts. This avoidance often results in misunderstandings, disappointment and resentment, which becomes part of the couple's negative cycle (see my article: The Problem Isn't the Problem. The Problem is the Repeating Negative Cycle in the Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Conflicts?

• Fear of Conflict: Individuals who avoid conflicts have a fear of conflict because they are afraid of negative outcomes including judgment or rejection from their partner. They might also fear the conflict will end the relationship. In addition, they might have a negative prior history with conflict in their family of origiin or in prior relationships, including unresolved trauma, which reinforces their avoidance. 

• Anxiety and Self Doubt: Anxiety about expressing their feelings and self doubt might also be contributing factors. This can make conflict seem overwhelming, especially if they fear that conflict will result in a shouting match.

Stop Avoiding Conflicts in Your Relationship

• A Need to Maintain Short-Term Harmony in the Relationship At Any Cost: These individuals prioritize maintaining short term harmony, but avoiding conflict prevents personal growth, relationship growth and fosters disappointments and resentment. A need to maintain short-term harmony often results in long-term disharmony due to consequences of unexpressed feelings and beliefs.

• Fear of Short-Term Emotional Discomfort: Confrontations can bring about short-term emotional discomfort, but if a couple has healthy communication skills, confrontations can also resolve problems which can bring long-term comfort.

What Are the Relationship Dynamics When Couples Avoid Confrontations?

Every relationship is different, but the following are some of the most common relationship dynamics when couples avoid confrontations:

• A Desire to Maintain Short-Term Harmony While Problems Fester: Couples who avoid confrontations often prioritize maintaining harmony instead of addressing the underlying problems in their relationship--even if it means continuing to have unresolved problems in the long term.

• Poor Communication Skills: People who avoid confrontations often feel unprepared to deal with conflict because they lack healthy communication skills (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing What You Want).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Fear of Vulnerable Emotions: Many individuals are afraid of the emotional vulnerability involved with expressing their feelings, so they would rather avoid it altogether (see my article: Emotonal Vulnerabiltiy as a Pathway to Greater Emotional and Sexual Intimacy).

What Are the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance?

Every relationship will have their own unique consequences, but here are some of the most common outcomes of conflict avoidance:

• Unresolved Issues: When a couple avoids dealing with conflict, unresolved issues grow and fester. Disappointment and resentment grows which can lead to even larger blow ups than if the couple had dealt with the problems when they first developed.

• Communication Breakdown: As problems are avoided, communication between the individuals breaks down. When open and honest communication shuts down, this often leads to emotional distancing.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Emotional Distancing: As problems grow and fester, couples often distance themselves from each other. This can be conscious or an unconscious behavior.  This leads to a lack of emotional and sexual intimacy. Defensive walls develop between them so they might no longer see and hear one another. This can result in loneliness and isolation.

• Stagnation and the Possible End of the Relationship: As problems persist, communication breaks down and each the couple distances themselves from each other, the relationship stagnates. Each person can feel stuck in an unfulfilling relationship as the couple drifts apart. This can also lead to the end of the relationship.

How to Overcome Conflict Avoidance

• Become Aware: The first step in overcoming conflict avoidance is to become aware of the problem.  Learn to recognize these patterns in the relationship (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Challenge Negative Beliefs About Conflict: Reframe your beliefs about conflict to understand that conflict is a necessary part of building intimacy and emotional connection instead of seeing it as a sign of a failed relationship.

• Understand the Consequences of Conflict Avoidance: Develop an understanding for what is lost and what is gained with conflict avoidance. In terms of losses, this can include loss of emotional and sexual intimacy. With regard to what can be gained, this can include better communication and the overall health and well-being of the individuals and the relationship.

How to Use Healthy Communication Skills to Deal With Conflicts

• Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner's concerns with respect and without interrupting or focusing on when you will get your turn to speak (see my article: The Importance of Active Listening in Your Relationship).

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Use I-Statements: Rather than using accusatory statements and blaming your partner, use I-statements where you express your feelings ("I feel hurt when...").

• Clarify Your Expectations: Instead of assuming your partner already knows or "should know" your expectations, be explicit about what you want. When you're able to express your needs clearly, you can set clear boundaries and prevent bigger misunderstandings.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

• Create a Safe Space: Talking about conflicts can be emotionally vulnerable so create a safe space for each other, you will both feel safer to express your feelings in a healthy way (see my article: Creating an Emotional Safe Haven For Each Other).

Get Help in Couples Therapy

Many couples need help to deal with their problems.

Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems in your own, you could benefit from seeking health from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

A skilled couples therapist can help you overcome your problems so you can have a fulfilling relationship (see my article: How to Get the Most Out of Couples Therapy).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: 6 Strategies to Reduce Conflict

It's not unusual for people who are in high conflict relationships to seek help in couples therapy after many years of being in conflict.

Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist for individual adults and couples, when a couple responds to each other with a great deal of emotional reactivity, I help them to slow down to become aware of how each of them contributes to their conflicts.

Before a high conflict couple can make positive changes in their relationship, each of them has to become self aware so they can reduce their reactivity and listen to their partner (see my article: 5 Tips to Reduce Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship).

6 Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship

• Calm Yourself to Actively Listen to Your Partner: One of the problems high conflict couples have is that each one of them is just waiting for their chance to blame their partner, so they're not listening to what their partner is saying (see my article: Tips on Active Listening).

• Develop Self Reflect Capacity: Rather than focusing on what you think your partner said or did wrong, reflect on how you come across in your relationship. Spend time writing about it in a journal to capture your thoughts and go deeper in self awareness (see my article: What is Self Reflective Capacity and Why It's Important For You).

Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship

• Stop Being Hostile to Your Partner: Couples, who are hostile, can use overt hostility in the form of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling to respond to their partner. They can also use passive aggressive behavior or nonverbal hostility (e.g., eye rolling) and sarcasm disguised as a "joke". Each person in the relationship needs to learn to stop these behaviors (see my article: Improve Your Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling).

• Take Responsibility and Admit When You're Wrong: After you become aware of your own negative ways of communicating, it's important to take responsibility and apologize.

Strategies to Reduce Conflict in Your Relaitonship

• Find Authentic Ways to Connect With Your Partner: High conflict couples often disengage from each other by distracting themselves with their phones, TV, video games and so on. Even if your relationship is not where you would like it to be, it's important to take time to connect with each other in meaningful ways without distractions. This might mean you both go for a walk in a park or do other activities that you both enjoy.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have deeply ingrained negative habits, you could benefit from seeking help from a skilled couples therapist.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in couples work can help you to develop the necessary skills to have a more meaningful relationship or, if the relationship is beyond repair, she can help you to separate in an amicable and respectful way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experience and Sex Therapist

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

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Nonmonogamy: Avoiding the Potential Pitfalls of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Relationships

There are many different kinds of consensual nonomonogamous relationships. 

Don't ask don't tell is just one of them which I'll discuss in this article (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?)

What Are Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT) Relationships?

Generally speaking, in DADT relationships partners agree not to tell each other about the sexual or romantic relationships they have with other people. 

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Here are some of the most common aspects of DADT relationships:

• Focusing is on the Primary Relationship: DADT relationships allows partners to have other sexual or romantic experiences without divulging information about these relationships to each other. This allows each partner to have a degree of autonomy outside the relationship. At the same time, each person prioritizes the primary relationship. 

• Avoiding Conflict: Some couples choose DADT to avoid conflict, jealousy or hurt feelings. This helps some couples to manage the complexities of being in multiple relationships.

• Avoiding Details About Other Relationships: Whereas couples who believe in healthy privacy know about their other relationships (although maybe not all the details), DADT couples avoid discussing other relationships they might be in.

What Are the Potential Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell Relationships?

DADT can be difficult to maintain and it can lead to misunderstandings if information somehow leaks out and gets back to one or both of the partners.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

A couple needs to have good communication within the relationship as well as respect for each other's boundaries and the boundaries of the relationship. DADT shouldn't be used as a way to get around poor communication in the relationship.

They must also be able to cope with unforeseen circumstances (see Vignette 1 below).

Clinical Vignettes:

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Vignette 1. Bob and Peter

Three years into their relationship, Bob talked to Peter about wanting to open up the relationship. Peter wasn't enthusiastic about having an open relationship, but he went along with Bob's wishes because he knew Bob liked sexual variety more than he did and he didn't want to deprive Bob from having those experiences. So they agreed that since Bob traveled a lot for work, he could have sexual affairs with other men while he was away on a trip but not when he was at home in New York City. Peter told Bob he didn't want to know any details about these other men. They both agreed these affairs were only sexual and that Peter wouldn't get emotionally involved with anyone. But three months later, Bob revealed he had formed an emotional attachment with another man who lived in Dallas and the other man wanted to move to New York City to see Bob more often. This news precipitated a crisis in their relationship.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Peter felt upset that, even though they both agreed that outside relationships would only be sexual, Bob had fallen in love. Now they were faced with this unforeseen circumstance which Bob was very unhappy about. They both agreed that Bob should put this other relationship on hold and the two of them would attend couples therapy to sort out their relationship. The result was that Bob knew he had broken their agreement. He hadn't intended on developing feelings for another man, but it happened because he disregarded their agreement to only see other people once or twice. At the same time, he didn't want to lose Peter so he broke off his other relationship. Then, Bob and Peter worked on coming up with a better nonmonogamous agreement for their relationship. Until they had their agreement, they agreed to remain monogamous.

Vignette 2. Sue and Ed

When Sue and Ed got together, Sue had a lot more relationship experience than Ed. Ed didn't start dating until his senior year in college. By the time he met Sue five years later, he felt he wanted to have more experience dating other women. Sue hated the idea, but she also knew that Ed needed these other experiences. Neither of them wanted to stop seeing each other, so they agreed to try DADT nonmonogamy. Even though they didn't share information about the other people they were dating, they both realized when each of them were with other people because they lived together. They each noticed when the other was texting a lot or getting phone calls they each kept private. 

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Then, one day Sue's friend told her she saw Ed kissing another woman at a neighborhood bar and asked Sue about it. Sue was embarrassed because neither she nor Ed had shared that they were in a DADT relationship. She was also annoyed with Ed for having a date in the neighborhood where their friends could see them. They both agreed they needed to have a more definitive agreement around these issues, so they sought help in couples therapy. During couples therapy Sue admitted she acquiesced to Ed's wishes to have an open relationship, but she never really wanted it. They both agreed to breakup so Ed could have the experiences he wanted and they would be in touch in six months to see if they wanted to get back together again. Although they were both sad, they broke up in an amicable way and hoped to come back together again in several months.

Vignette 3. Jane and Bill

Both Jane and Bill had been in other open relationships before and they agreed that DADT worked for each of them past relationships. They agreed to keep their separate apartments so they each could maintain a degree of privacy and autonomy. There were times when each of them felt jealous about the other romantic relationships in their lives, but they were able to talk about it and assure each other that they were primary to each other (see my article: What is Compersion in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

They had an agreement that each of them wouldn't see another person more than once or twice to avoid forming emotional attachments with others. This worked out well for them. At the point when they wanted to move in together, they decided they no longer wanted to be in an open relationship. Instead, they were focused on building a life together and starting a family.

Discussion About the Vignettes

Vignette 1: Bob was the one who really wanted to be in an open relationship and Peter was just going along with it to please Bob.  Their agreement was that their relationship was primary, but Bob developed an emotional attachment to someone else, which created a crisis in Bob and Peter's relationship. Although this isn't an unusual experience in nonmonogamous relationships, neither of them were able to foresee that Bob might develop feelings for someone else. Fortunately, Bob realized he was going against their agreement and he didn't want to lose Peter, so he agreed to participate in couples therapy. They both realized they needed to put their open relationship on hold until they could prioritize their relationship and work out a more detailed agreement that they both could abide by.

Vignette 2: This is another example of one person going along with a DADT agreement when she didn't really want one. Sue felt humiliated when her friend saw Ed kissing another woman and Sue was annoyed that Ed was indiscreet in their neighborhood. During couples therapy Sue admitted she never wanted to be in an open relationship, but she knew Ed felt he needed to have experiences with other women. So, they agreed to break up so they both could see other people and get back in touch with each other in six months to see if they wanted to get back together again. They both agreed this was a better alternative than Sue doing something she didn't want to do or Ed feeling deprived. 

Vignette 3: Jane and Bill had experience with other open relationships, so they already knew the potential pitfalls. They each had the autonomy and privacy they wanted and, at the same time they prioritized their relationship together. When jealous feelings came up, they discussed these feelings together and reassured each other their relationship was primary. This worked out well for both of them and, at the point when they wanted to move in and have children together, they focused on being monogamous together.

Conclusion

There are many ways to have an open relationship. Don't ask don't tell is just one of them.

DADT can work out if both people agree to it and don't enter into it as a way to appease a partner. They must also have good communication with each other and set clear boundaries within their DADT agreement.

Over a period of time, many couples transition between monogamy and open relationships depending upon their needs at various times in their lives. 

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner want help with working out an open relationship agreement or if you're having problems with an existing open relationship, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples therapist who works with couples on these issues.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in the area where you're having problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Are You Confusing Drama For Love?

I began a discussion about this topic in my prior article,  How to Stop the Drama in Your Relationship.

Confusing Drama For Love

In the current article, I'm focusing on the topic of confusing drama with love.

What is Drama in a Relationship?

Here are some of the concepts from my prior article:

Drama in a relationship refers to unnecessary conflict, emotional manipulation or the creation of problems (where they don't really exist) to get attention or control the relationship including:

• Attention Seeking: Some individuals in a relationship create drama in an effort to feel validated by their partner--often at the partner's emotional expense.

• Poor Communication Skills: When one or both people lack good communication skills, they can struggle to express their emotional needs or resolve conflict in a healthy way.

Confusing Drama For Love

• Unrealistic Expectations: When partners don't have realistic expectations of each other, this can lead to drama, especially if they don't know how to communicate well (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).

• Projecting Emotional Pain: Partners can project their own emotional pain onto each other which usually leads to conflict.

• Past Unresolved Psychological Trauma: Partners can unconsciously project their unresolved trauma from the past onto their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship).

How to Distinguish Love From Drama in a Relationship

The following suggestions can help you to distinguish love from drama:

• A Loving Relationship Tends to Be Stable: All relationships have their ups and downs, but a mature loving relationship tends to be stable and consistent with mutual respect and not with constant drama and conflict.

Confusing Drama For Love

• A Healthy Relationship Tends to Be Secure: You experience a sense of security in a loving relationship--not anxiety or fear.

• A Loving Relationship is Reciprocal: A secure relationship has mutual care, respect and support. It does not involve one-sided drama, attention seeking and constant upheaval. It's also not transactional (see my article: What Are Transactional Relationships?).

• Self Love is Essential: In healthy relationships each person experiences self love which is different from codependency or the need for constant validation.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how someone can confuse drama for love:

Jane

When Jane met Tom, she felt instantly drawn to him.  She liked that he was quirky and he introduced her to his taste in art, music and culture which was so different from what her own experience.

Although their relationship was fun at the beginning, over time, Jane began to wonder about the relationship as she noticed certain of Tom's unstable behavior patterns.

He would text her constantly for days and then he would be unreachable for a week or more. In addition, he might show up at her apartment at 2 AM because he would say that he missed her so much and couldn't wait to see her, but then he would ignore her for days at a time.

When they began arguing about his behavior, Tom would tell her that they had a loving, passionate relationship which was why they had so many arguments, but Jane felt increasingly unhappy with their dynamic so she sought help in therapy.

Confusing Drama For Love

Jane told her therapist that she wondered if Tom was right: Did they have so many arguments because they had a passionate loving relationship or was there a problem?  She felt confused because this was her first committed relationship.

As Jane talked about her relationship with Tom in her therapy, she began to realize that she didn't like feeling so insecure in their relationship. She also realized their relationship tended to be on Tom's terms and when he didn't get his way, he would sulk and withdraw emotionally.

After a while, Jane came to the conclusion in her therapy that she didn't like being in such an  unstable relationship. She enjoyed their fun times together, but their fun times didn't make up for the instability and the one-sided nature of the relationship.  

She also became aware that she had confused the drama for love, but she realized that love and drama are two different things.

Confusing Drama For Love

Soon after that, Jane ended her relationship with Tom and she began seeing Bill. A few months into her relationship with Bill, she realized her new relationship was much more secure, reciprocal and stable. Although it might have lacked some of the excitement she felt with Tom, Jane knew her relationship with Bill was a relationship that could grow and flourish.

Conclusion

During the early stage of a relationship drama and chaos might seem fun and exciting, but it shouldn't be confused with love.

When a relationship is based on drama, it's difficult, if not impossible, to build the necessary a foundation for the relationship to grow.

When you can make the distinction between love and drama, you can decide if you want to remain in a relationship that's based on drama or you want a more solid, stable relationship.

Get Help in Therapy

Relationships based on drama can be challenging to get out of--even when you realize that it's the drama that's keeping you together and not love.

Get Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional can help you to discover why you might be hooked into an unstable and unhealthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has the expertise you need so you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples with a variety of issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: How to Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

In my work as a couples therapist in New York City I work with many couples who struggle with emotional drama and chaos in their relationship (see my article: How to Reduce Emotional Reactivity in Your Relationship).

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

What is Drama in a Relationship?

Drama in a relationship refers to unnecessary conflict, emotional manipulation or the creation of problems (where they don't really exist) to get attention or control the relationship including:

• Attention Seeking: Some individuals in a relationship create drama in an effort to feel validated by their partner--often at the partner's emotional expense.

• Poor Communication Skills: When one or both people lack good communication skills, they can struggle to express their emotional needs or resolve conflict in a healthy way.

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

• Unrealistic Expectations: When partners don't have realistic expectations of each other, this can lead to drama, especially if they don't know how to communicate well (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?).

• Projecting Emotional Pain: Partners can project their own emotional pain onto each other which usually leads to conflict.

• Past Unresolved Psychological Trauma: Partners can unconsciously project their unresolved trauma from the past onto their current relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Relationship).

What Are the Signs of Drama in a Relationship?

A couple might have all or some of the following signs:

• Constant arguments, bickering or fights

• A partner trying to control the relationship by claiming to be "right" all the time

• A partner constantly needing attention and validation from the other partner 

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

• A partner who is self centered and selfish most of the time so everything is about them or what they want

• A partner who constantly twists reality, tries to make the other partner doubt their sanity or memory (see my article: What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?)

• A partner who doesn't show interest in the other partner's concerns or well-being

• A partner who doesn't apologize or take responsibility for their actions

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates a couple struggling with drama in their relationship and how they were helped in couples therapy:

Sue and John

When Sue and John first started dating, they both felt their relationship could flourish and grow. But six months later, they were arguing a lot and breaking up every few weeks.

Stop the Drama in Your Relationship

They decided they either needed to seek help in couples therapy or go their separate ways so, rather than break up again, they sought help.

Over time, in couples therapy they learned how unresolved trauma from both of their childhoods was getting played out in their relationship.

Sue's parents were emotionally neglectful of her and so in her relationship with John, she sought constant attention and validation from him in a highly agitated state--to the point where he felt she was emotionally exhausting him. Sue realized in couples therapy she was re-enacting unresolved childhood trauma in her relationship with John.

John was raised by a single mother who was highly anxious most of the time. She looked to him, when he was a child, for validation and attention. This heavy emotional burden was more than he could endure as a child. As a result, he learned to ignore her and fend for himself. In couples therapy he recognized that he was doing this to Sue too without realizing it.

Learn to Break the Negative Cycle in Couples Therapy

Their negative dynamic was the source of many of their arguments until they learned, over time, in couples therapy to identify their negative cycle so they could break their negative cycle.

How to Stop Drama in Your Relationship

• Learn to develop healthy communication skills

• Learn to address and work through unresolved trauma in individual therapy

• Learn how to identify and manage your emotions

• Set realistic expectations for the relationship

Get Help in Couples Therapy

It can be challenging to change unhealthy relationship patterns on your own.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you have attempted to work through your problems without success, consider seeking help in couples therapy.

A skilled couples therapist can help you to identify and break the negative cycle in your relationship so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples - EFT? ).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What Are Gottman's 5 Types of Couples?

Dr. John Gottman, world renowned relationship expert, has conducted relationship research for over 40 years. He is best known for predicting marital stability and divorce. 

What Are the 5 Types of Couples?

If you're in a relationship, understanding Dr. Gottman's classification of couples can help you to understand your relationship dynamics.

Gottman's 5 Types of Couples

Based on his 40+ years of research, Dr. Gottman has described five different types of relationships. 

What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

The first three described below are considered functional couples and the last two are considered  dysfunctional couples.

Here are the functional and dysfunctional classifications and below that I describe them in detail:

Functional Types of Couples:

• Conflict-Avoiding Couples
• Volatile Couples
• Validating Couples

Dysfunctional Types of Couples:

• Hostile Couples
• Hostile-Detached Couples

The 5 Types of Couples in Detail

Let's look at each category in more detail:

Conflict-Avoiding Couples

Conflict-avoiding couples prefer to focus on areas of their life where they are in mutual agreement.  They value their common ground.

They like to balance their independence as well as their interdependence in the relationship. They're more likely to have separate interests as well as interests they enjoy together (see my article: What's the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?).

As independent individuals in a relationship, they like to focus on areas where they overlap and where there is cooperation and negotiation.  

They tend to be empathetic towards each other.

They can be low key and emotionally muted. 

They're not comfortable trying to coerce their partner into doing things their way. They prefer to focus on areas where things are "good enough" between them.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1, which Gottman considers a healthy ratio.

There is a downside if there is too much conflict avoidance including:

• A withdrawal from conflict so conflicts remains unresolved
• Distance and breakdown in communication
• A buildup of frustration and resentment
• Stress and anxiety
• A buildup of distrust

Volatile Couples

Volatile couples tend to be the opposite of conflict avoidant couples.

These couples tend to be intensely emotional. They like to debate and argue--although they tend to be respectful and avoid insulting one another.

Their debating style tends to include humor and laughter (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter in Relationships).

During their arguments, they express anger and hurt feelings, but they tend not to express contempt for each other.

Even though they might argue a lot, they focus on honesty and connection in their communication.

Their positive to negative affect ratio is 5:1 which is a healthy ratio.

The downside of too much volatility in a relationship includes:

• Small slights can trigger larger arguments (see my article: How to Keep Small Arguments From Developing into Big Arguments).
• Too much volatility can lead to problems with communication if arguments go on for too long.
• Volatility can lead to hostility (see the description for Hostile Couples below)
• Too much volatility can lead to saying things each person doesn't mean and which can be hard to take back when each person is hurting.
• Ongoing volatility can create a sense of hopelessness.

Validating Couples

Validating couples tend to be somewhere between conflict avoidant couples and volatile couples.

Validating couples tend to be characterized by calm and ease (see my article: Responding to Your Partner With Emotional Attunement and Validation).

Validating Couples

They tend to be empathetic towards each other and place a lot of emphasis on being supportive and validating.  Basically, they go along to get along.

Although they are supportive of one another, they do confront their problems. However, they tend to choose their battles. 

When they have opposing views, they can confront the issues, but they tend to work at finding a solution they can both live with to resolve the problem. 

Overall, their mood is subdued and cordial.

In terms of positive to negative affect, they usually show a healthy 5:1 ratio.

The downside to too much validation in a relationship includes:

• Unhealthy validation could include overlooking problems which can prevent change and growth.
• A misinterpretation of validation as agreement rather than an attempt to understand one another even when there isn't agreement.
• Unhealthy validation can include an avoidance of conflict so that conflicts remain unresolved which can lead to each person feeling unhappy.

Hostile Couples

Hostile couples tend to have a lot of defensiveness.

Hostile couples tend to use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in their arguments including:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
  

There tends to be a lack of empathy in hostile couples and a lot of emphasis on contempt.

They tend to focus on their own point of view with little to no attempt to try to understand their partner's side of the argument.

When they criticize each other, they tend to use exaggerated statements like "You always" and "You never."

They tend to have the same arguments over and over again without resolution. They also tend to have damaging arguments in front of their children.

Although they have frequent arguments, they also tend to regulate their arguments so that their arguments don't get out of control.

Many hostile couples can be intimacy avoidant. 

Even though they might be very unhappy in the relationship, they tend to stay together where they remain attached to the hostility between them.

The ratio of positive affects to negative affects tend to be low in this type of relationship.

Hostile-Detached Couples

These couples tend to be engaged in a hostile standoff. 

Although they interact in a hostile way towards each other, they are also emotionally detached.  This emotional detachment can lead to loneliness for both of them.

Similar to hostile couples, hostile-detached couples also use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which, as previously mentioned, includes: 

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling
  

Whereas hostile couples tend to regulate their arguments so they don't get out of control, hostile-detached couples tend to keep fighting until they're exhausted and there tends to be a fair amount of emotional abuse in this type of couple.

Based on information from Dr. Gottman's research, hostile-detached couples are the most dysfunctional couples and they are more likely to get divorced as compared to the other types of couples.

The ratio of positive to negative affects is the lowest for this type of couple as compared to others.

Conclusion

Many couples don't fall neatly into a particular category, so they might be a combination of these classifications at different times in their relationship.

What Are the 5 Types of Relationships?

If you're having problems in your relationship, you might find Gottman's classifications useful in understanding the dynamics in your relationship.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve your problems, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy. 

    

    See my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) For Couples?

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to make changes in your relationship so that you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

Seeking help sooner rather than later can make a big difference.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.