Nonmonogamy: Avoiding the Potential Pitfalls of "Don't Ask Don't Tell" Relationships

There are many different kinds of consensual nonomonogamous relationships. 

Don't ask don't tell is just one of them which I'll discuss in this article (see my article: What is Consensual Nonmonogamy?)

What Are Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT) Relationships?

Generally speaking, in DADT relationships partners agree not to tell each other about the sexual or romantic relationships they have with other people. 

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Here are some of the most common aspects of DADT relationships:

• Focusing is on the Primary Relationship: DADT relationships allows partners to have other sexual or romantic experiences without divulging information about these relationships to each other. This allows each partner to have a degree of autonomy outside the relationship. At the same time, each person prioritizes the primary relationship. 

• Avoiding Conflict: Some couples choose DADT to avoid conflict, jealousy or hurt feelings. This helps some couples to manage the complexities of being in multiple relationships.

• Avoiding Details About Other Relationships: Whereas couples who believe in healthy privacy know about their other relationships (although maybe not all the details), DADT couples avoid discussing other relationships they might be in.

What Are the Potential Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell Relationships?

DADT can be difficult to maintain and it can lead to misunderstandings if information somehow leaks out and gets back to one or both of the partners.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

A couple needs to have good communication within the relationship as well as respect for each other's boundaries and the boundaries of the relationship. DADT shouldn't be used as a way to get around poor communication in the relationship.

They must also be able to cope with unforeseen circumstances (see Vignette 1 below).

Clinical Vignettes:

The following clinical vignettes are composites of many cases with all identifying information changed to protect confidentiality:

Vignette 1. Bob and Peter

Three years into their relationship, Bob talked to Peter about wanting to open up the relationship. Peter wasn't enthusiastic about having an open relationship, but he went along with Bob's wishes because he knew Bob liked sexual variety more than he did and he didn't want to deprive Bob from having those experiences. So they agreed that since Bob traveled a lot for work, he could have sexual affairs with other men while he was away on a trip but not when he was at home in New York City. Peter told Bob he didn't want to know any details about these other men. They both agreed these affairs were only sexual and that Peter wouldn't get emotionally involved with anyone. But three months later, Bob revealed he had formed an emotional attachment with another man who lived in Dallas and the other man wanted to move to New York City to see Bob more often. This news precipitated a crisis in their relationship.

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Peter felt upset that, even though they both agreed that outside relationships would only be sexual, Bob had fallen in love. Now they were faced with this unforeseen circumstance which Bob was very unhappy about. They both agreed that Bob should put this other relationship on hold and the two of them would attend couples therapy to sort out their relationship. The result was that Bob knew he had broken their agreement. He hadn't intended on developing feelings for another man, but it happened because he disregarded their agreement to only see other people once or twice. At the same time, he didn't want to lose Peter so he broke off his other relationship. Then, Bob and Peter worked on coming up with a better nonmonogamous agreement for their relationship. Until they had their agreement, they agreed to remain monogamous.

Vignette 2. Sue and Ed

When Sue and Ed got together, Sue had a lot more relationship experience than Ed. Ed didn't start dating until his senior year in college. By the time he met Sue five years later, he felt he wanted to have more experience dating other women. Sue hated the idea, but she also knew that Ed needed these other experiences. Neither of them wanted to stop seeing each other, so they agreed to try DADT nonmonogamy. Even though they didn't share information about the other people they were dating, they both realized when each of them were with other people because they lived together. They each noticed when the other was texting a lot or getting phone calls they each kept private. 

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

Then, one day Sue's friend told her she saw Ed kissing another woman at a neighborhood bar and asked Sue about it. Sue was embarrassed because neither she nor Ed had shared that they were in a DADT relationship. She was also annoyed with Ed for having a date in the neighborhood where their friends could see them. They both agreed they needed to have a more definitive agreement around these issues, so they sought help in couples therapy. During couples therapy Sue admitted she acquiesced to Ed's wishes to have an open relationship, but she never really wanted it. They both agreed to breakup so Ed could have the experiences he wanted and they would be in touch in six months to see if they wanted to get back together again. Although they were both sad, they broke up in an amicable way and hoped to come back together again in several months.

Vignette 3. Jane and Bill

Both Jane and Bill had been in other open relationships before and they agreed that DADT worked for each of them past relationships. They agreed to keep their separate apartments so they each could maintain a degree of privacy and autonomy. There were times when each of them felt jealous about the other romantic relationships in their lives, but they were able to talk about it and assure each other that they were primary to each other (see my article: What is Compersion in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

Avoiding the Pitfalls of Don't Ask Don't Tell

They had an agreement that each of them wouldn't see another person more than once or twice to avoid forming emotional attachments with others. This worked out well for them. At the point when they wanted to move in together, they decided they no longer wanted to be in an open relationship. Instead, they were focused on building a life together and starting a family.

Discussion About the Vignettes

Vignette 1: Bob was the one who really wanted to be in an open relationship and Peter was just going along with it to please Bob.  Their agreement was that their relationship was primary, but Bob developed an emotional attachment to someone else, which created a crisis in Bob and Peter's relationship. Although this isn't an unusual experience in nonmonogamous relationships, neither of them were able to foresee that Bob might develop feelings for someone else. Fortunately, Bob realized he was going against their agreement and he didn't want to lose Peter, so he agreed to participate in couples therapy. They both realized they needed to put their open relationship on hold until they could prioritize their relationship and work out a more detailed agreement that they both could abide by.

Vignette 2: This is another example of one person going along with a DADT agreement when she didn't really want one. Sue felt humiliated when her friend saw Ed kissing another woman and Sue was annoyed that Ed was indiscreet in their neighborhood. During couples therapy Sue admitted she never wanted to be in an open relationship, but she knew Ed felt he needed to have experiences with other women. So, they agreed to break up so they both could see other people and get back in touch with each other in six months to see if they wanted to get back together again. They both agreed this was a better alternative than Sue doing something she didn't want to do or Ed feeling deprived. 

Vignette 3: Jane and Bill had experience with other open relationships, so they already knew the potential pitfalls. They each had the autonomy and privacy they wanted and, at the same time they prioritized their relationship together. When jealous feelings came up, they discussed these feelings together and reassured each other their relationship was primary. This worked out well for both of them and, at the point when they wanted to move in and have children together, they focused on being monogamous together.

Conclusion

There are many ways to have an open relationship. Don't ask don't tell is just one of them.

DADT can work out if both people agree to it and don't enter into it as a way to appease a partner. They must also have good communication with each other and set clear boundaries within their DADT agreement.

Over a period of time, many couples transition between monogamy and open relationships depending upon their needs at various times in their lives. 

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner want help with working out an open relationship agreement or if you're having problems with an existing open relationship, you could benefit from working with a skilled couples therapist who works with couples on these issues.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has expertise in the area where you're having problems so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (couples therapist), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I have over 20 years of experience working with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Have a Fun and Passionate Threesome

A threesome, also known as a threeway or a menage a trois, is any sexual activity involving three consenting adults.

How to Have a Fun and Passionate Threesome

According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, author, social psychologist and Kinsey sex research fellow, group sex is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans with threesomes being at the top of the list (see my article: The 7 Core Sexual Fantasies).

If you've ever wondered if a threesome is right for you, you're not alone. Even though many people wonder about it, threesomes remain a fantasy for most people. Many people don't even share this fantasy with their partner because they feel too ashamed of it or because they're concerned their partner will judge them (see my articles: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

How Common Are Threesomes?

Approximately 18% of men and 10% of women have engaged in threesomes or some form of group sex.  This includes groups of one man and two women, three men, three women, and one woman and two men of all sexual orientations and genders.

Sometimes a couple adds a third person.  For instance, there are heterosexual couples who seek out bisexual women to have a threesome. 

It's often the man who seeks out a bisexual woman.  The bisexual woman is referred to as a "unicorn" because unicorns are considered rare and bisexual women who want to sleep with a heterosexual couple is also considered rare. And the man who seeks out the unicorn is called the "unicorn hunter" (see my article:  What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?).

A unicorn can also be a man (heterosexual, gay, bisexual) or a trans woman or trans man.  Either the three people have sex with each other or one of the partners has sex with the third party and the other party watches (see my articles: Kinky Sex: What is Cuckolding? and Are You Curious About Trying Cuckolding With Your Partner?).

In other instances, the three people are all single as opposed to a couple and a third party.  They might have met at a bar or a party and decide to have a threesome together.

Why Do People Enjoy Threesomes?

One of the main reasons why people enjoy threesomes and other forms of group sex is the novelty aspect.  Having sex with your partner and someone else you don't usually have sex with can be exciting with many different possibilities.

Another reason is the appeal of being the sexual center of attention--or at least that's usually the wish of most people who have threesomes.  To feel sexually desired by two other people is a real sexual turn-on.

Aside from novelty seeking and the power of feeling sexually desirable, some people engage in threesomes because it's an item on their sexual bucket list.  

Other people use it as a way to settle a score with a partner who cheated on them in the past.

There are also people who engage in threesomes to please a partner. They might not be so into it themselves, but they want to give their partner the "gift" of a threesome.  

This is usually referred to as "sexual altruism," and it includes the husband or wife who wants to give their spouse something "special" for a birthday or anniversary or just looking for a way to spice things up in their relationship.

Other times partners are coerced into doing it.  Rather than giving their enthusiastic consent to a threesome, some partners go along with it to appease a partner because they feel pressured into doing it.

Who Engages in Threesomes?

As previously mentioned, people of all genders, sexual orientations and all types of relationships engage in threesomes.

With regard to age, you might think that threesomes were most popular with people in their 20s, but according to Dr. Lehmiller, this isn't the case because for many people in their 20s one-on-one sex is still new and exciting, so they don't have as much need for novelty.

Interest in threesomes peaks for most people at around the age of 40, according to Dr. Lehmiller, and remains high for the next 20 years or so.  These include people who are bored with monogamy or who need more variety to keep the sexual spark alive.

How to Set Up a Threesome

If you're in a relationship and you want to have a threesome, there are several factors to consider:

• Talk to Your Partner: You want to make sure you and your partner are on the same page:

• Talking about it as a sexual fantasy first can be a good way to introduce the idea to your partner.  Talking about it as a fantasy is a relatively low risk way to explore this type of sex with your partner before the two of you actually do it.  

• Anticipate there might be jealousy. For many people even talking about it can elicit jealousy, so if you're the person who wants to do it, be patient and compassionate.  Try to alleviate any concerns about jealousy.  

Talk to Your Partner and Anticipate Possible Problems Ahead of Time

• Any sexual activity should be enthusiastically consented to so if your partner isn't interested, don't pressure them.  But if your partner is at least curious about it, you can both talk about what you each want from an actual threesome.  As previously mentioned, this is as far as it gets for most people because the fantasy of it is enough or one or both people are too uncomfortable to actually do it. Other people find the idea of having a threesome so exciting that they want to find a third person.

• Talk About What You Each Want: Assuming you and your partner both want to experience a threesome, there are so many possibilities: 

• You should both agree regarding the third party's gender and sexual orientation before you include someone else.  

• Do you both have someone in mind?

• Is one person going to watch while the other partner has sex with the third party as in a cuckolding situation?  Or are all three people going to be sexually involved together.  And will there be one person who is the center of attention? Or will you each take turns being the center of attention? It's better to know that ahead of time to avoid a common disappointment in threesomes where each person assumes they will be the center, but one or two people end up feeling ignored or left out.  

• Will you include BDSM or other kinky sex?

• Find the Right Person: Finding the right person is very important:

• Many threesomes are unplanned after three people get drunk at a bar or a party.  Those are the most likely situations where one or all three people will be  disappointed.  Either the people involved aren't right for each other or, as previously mentioned, one or two people feel overlooked and left out.

• The right person is someone that both you and your partner feel sexual chemistry for and a person who can feel chemistry for both of you.  This can be trickier than it sounds. Often, a person might feel sexual chemistry for one person but not the other and, obviously, that's not going to work.  

• You and your partner should feel comfortable enough with the third person and vice versa.  When you find the right person that you both agree on, extend the invitation in a fun way, but be direct so the third person understands the situation. The last thing you want to do is try to manipulate a third party into having a threesome.

• Set Boundaries: Setting boundaries with everyone involved is critical:

• Discuss boundaries and ground rules with the three of you present.

• Discuss what sexual acts you will engage in and which ones are out.  This includes everything from kissing to sexual penetration and everything in between. No one should just make assumptions about what will or won't happen without each person agreeing to it in advance, including any kind of kinky sex or fetish you might all  enjoy. Enthusiastic consent and safe sex practices are essential. 

• Discuss with your partner beforehand whether the third party will be there for aftercare and if they will sleep over or if they will leave after sex.  Also make sure this is clear to the third party.
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• Have a Safe Word: A safe word is a word that anyone involved can use if one or more people are uncomfortable for any reason. When someone uses the safe word, it's essential that everything stops to respect the emotional and physical well-being of everyone involved.

• Create the Right Mood: Creating the right mood and context for a threesome is important.  Add anything you all think would add to the mood--whether it's candles, incense, wine, music and so on.  

• Make Sure You Have Plenty of Lube: Keep lube handy and use it often.

• Have Sex Toys on Hand: Assuming the three of you have agreed to sex toys, have fun sex toys that you can enjoy.

• Have Fun: Threesomes are supposed to be fun. If you, your partner and the third party have taken the time to talk about the issues mentioned above, you can relax and have fun.

• Talk Afterwards: After the threesome, you can all talk about what was fun (or what didn't work out):  

• Threesomes don't always go as well in reality as they do in sexual fantasies.  For one thing, while you can control what happens in your imagination, you can't control what happens in a threesome in reality. 

Talk Afterwards: Things Don't Always Go as Planned

• Address any feelings of jealousy or resentment about feeling left out--both of which are common emotions in threesomes.

• Some couples prefer to talk about this on their own without the third party.  Leaving out the third party might make them feel left out or dismissed, but if this is important to you and your partner, make sure the third party knows about this before you have sex so there are no surprises.  

• Engage in Aftercare and Reclaiming Routines: After a threesome, most couples benefit from cuddling, hugging, kissing, holding each other and engaging in other types of aftercare and reclaiming routines that helps the two people feel like a couple again.  These activities are usually done with just the two people if they're in a committed relationship.

Practice Aftercare and Reclaiming Routines

Threesomes Can Be Fun and Exciting

If you take time beforehand to prepare, choose the right person, set boundaries, have a safe word, create the right mood and make sure no one feels left out, threesomes can be fun and exciting.

Many couples find threesomes can reignite a spark in a long term relationship that includes new ways of experiencing sexual pleasure.

When to Seek Help in Sex Therapy

There are certain situations where a sex therapist can help a couple who are either considering a threesome or who had a threesome that didn't work out:

• The Two Partners Can't Agree: It's not unusual for one person in a relationship to want a threesome and for the other person not to want it.  This can lead to frustration and resentment.

• There Was No Planning Ahead of Time Which Created Problems: Most people don't take the time to plan a threesome, so it's not surprising that things go wrong.  One or both people can feel jealous, angry, resentful, sad, disappointed or left out.  For many couples, a threesome that has gone wrong can create problems in their sex life they didn't have before.  

• A Sexual Affair Started After a Threesome: Threesomes can be the start of a sexual affair between one of the partners and a third party.  Sometimes one the partners sets up a threesome because they want to have sex with the third party, but they don't want to leave their partner out.  But after they've had sex with the third party as part of the threesome, they want to continue having sex with the third party without their partner as part of an affair.  For obvious reasons this is a big problem in terms of infidelity, betrayal and trust issues.

• One or Both People in the Relationship Have Regrets About the Threesome: Sometimes what seemed like a good idea beforehand brings up feelings of jealousy, resentment, feelings of inadequacy or other negative feelings no one anticipated.  

• Other Unanticipated Problems Before, During and After a Threesome: The two of you can't always anticipate all the possibilities beforehand.

How Modern Sex Therapy Can Help

A modern sex therapist who is knowledgeable about these issues and who works in a contemporary way can help individual adults and couples with these issues and many other sex-related issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

Sex therapy is a form of psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy, that focuses on sexual issues for individual adults and couples.

There is no physical exam, no nudity and no touching in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a modern sex therapist so you can overcome sexual problems and have a more sexually fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Couples Who Want to Remain Monogamous Can Learn a Lot From Polyamorous Principles

There have more open discussions in recent years about the benefits of polyamory and other forms of consensual nonmonogamy. 

Polyamory is having more than one consensual romantic relationship at the same time and, there are many ways to have a consensual nonmonogamous relationship.

Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

Despite there being more discussions about polyamory, it's difficult to know how many people in the United States are in some form of polyamorous or consensual nonmonogamous relationship. 

This is partly due to the stigma that still exists against these types of relationships, and negative stereotypes continue to run high.  So, people in these relationships are often reluctant to talk about reveal the nature of their relationship.  Nevertheless, most relationship experts give an estimate of 4-5% in the US.

Couples Who Want to Remain Monogamous Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

Despite the increased prevalence of polyamory, it's not for everyone. 

The majority of people in relationships still want to remain monogamous.  But given the high rate of divorce, infidelity and sexual problems in relationships that supposed to be monogamous, many of these couples are realizing there's no one-size-fits-all way to be in a monogamous relationship.

Couples who want to remain monogamous can learn a lot from polyamorous principles without opening their relationship, including:

• Developing Open and Honest Communication Skills: Successful polyamorous relationships are based on good communication in terms of:

• Talking About Sexual Desire: This includes talking about the ebbs and flows of sexual desire, differences in sex drive, what each person likes or dislikes, and so on (see my articles: The Paradox of Love and Sexual Desire in a Committed Relationship and  How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

• Negotiating Boundaries: This includes agreeing to boundaries about people outside the relationship, including boundaries with friends, family members, personal schedules, and so on. (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your Relationship).

Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

• Changing Attitudes About the Relationship: What people want at the beginning of a relationship can be different from what they want a few years in.  It's important to acknowledge this and not assume you're both on the same page about everything, especially in a long term relationship.  

• Defining the Nature of the Relationship: Related to changing attitudes about the relationship: Two people who are in a long term monogamous relationship can each assume they both have the same perspective about their relationship--only to discover that this isn't the case.  For instance, one person might think that watching porn privately is no big deal while the other person considers it cheating.  This often leads to conflict because it was never discussed.

• Negotiating a Relationship Agreement: Since individual needs can change, in terms of defining the relationship, there are benefits to having a relationship agreement (see my article: The Advantages to Having a Relationship Agreement When You're in a Monogamous Relationship).

• Practicing Safe Sex: Since polyamory means being involved with more than just one person, people in successful polyamorous relationships talk about safe sex practices. In contrast, people who are in monogamous relationships often stop talking about safe sex and assume they no longer need to practice safe sex because their relationship is exclusive. But the high rate of infidelity among people who are supposed to be monogamous often means that people who cheat aren't practicing safe sex and could give their partner a sexually transmitted infection.  This needs to be discussed openly and honestly.

• Coping With Jealousy: Part of a successful polyamorous relationship is negotiating issues around jealousy. This doesn't mean that jealousy doesn't exist in these relationships. It just means that poly people talk about it and work towards a solution.  In contrast, there is a high degree of jealousy in monogamous relationships, and suspicious partners are more likely to check their partner's email and cellphone to see if they're cheating. In some monogamous relationships the jealousy and mistrust is so high that people put trackers on their partner's phone.  Granted--this often comes from discovering that a partner has been cheating, but not always. So, monogamous couples can learn to talk about their jealousy and try to find proactive ways of dealing with it (Overcoming Insecurity and Jealousy That's Ruining Your Relationship).

• Developing a Sense of Independence and Focusing on Personal Growth: Aside from having relationships with other people, people in successful polyamorous relationships allow their partners to have a sense of independence outside their relationship in terms of having their own friends, interests and other areas in their life. They talk to each other about their needs.  They also know that one person can't fulfill all their needs.  In contrast, many people in monogamous relationships end up sacrificing their own needs for their partner. This often leads to resentment and dissatisfaction with the relationship. Being able to talk openly about this issue is important and another area where monogamous individuals can learn from poly people (see my article: Growing as an Individual While You're in a Relationship).

Practical Steps You Can Take in Your Relationship

• Set a Regular Time to Have Open and Honest Communication: With people's busy schedules, it's easy to put relationship issues on the back burner, especially if one or both people tend to avoid it because they have difficulty expressing themselves when it comes to personal issues. Scheduling a regular time, whether it's once a week, bi-weekly or once a month, to have honest communication can help a couple to avoid misunderstandings and resentment.  This isn't a time to talk about work or your children. It's time dedicated to the relationship (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship).

Monogamous Couples Can Learn From Polyamorous Principles

• Talk About How to Get Your Needs Met Outside the Relationship: You can't expect your partner to fulfill all your needs.  It's not possible without putting a heavy burden on your partner.  Even if you and your partner have agreed to be sexually and romantically monogamous, neither of you can meet all of the other's needs.  In the past, when extended families lived within close proximity to each other, there was always someone else to talk to, confide in, provide a compassionate ear or share an interest that a partner might not like.  But now with family members spread out all over the country and increasingly busy schedules, family support isn't always readily available. This means that couples are relying on each other much more now than couples ever did in the past. Not only is this stressful--it's not possible for any one person to take all of this on.  So, there needs to be other people, including friends, who take on some of these roles.

• Give Each Other Space to Be Independent People: One of the primary reasons why sexual desire goes out the window in many monogamous relationships is that each person has sacrificed their sense of independence and autonomy and they become emotionally "fused." Talk about how each of you can engage in activities that are separate from each. other.  Instead of doing everything together, find ways you can each develop your own interests. Or if you each already have interests that don't appeal to other partner, talk about how each of you can have space to engage in these activities. Not only will this give you a sense of increased well-being, but you can each bring back something new to each other which will enhance the relationship (see my article: Resist the Urge to Merge).

Conclusion

The vast majority of people, who want to remain monogamous, can learn a lot from people in polyamorous relationships in terms of improving communication, dealing with problems as they arise, recognizing they have different needs and they can't be fulfilled by one person, maintaining a sense of independence, and making room for autonomy and personal growth.

When Should You Seek Help in Therapy?

Many of the issues discussed in this article can be worked out without a mental health professional, but there are times when help is needed, including, but not limited to, when there are issues related to:

• Difficulty With Communicating Personal Needs: Many individuals have difficulty communicating their needs for a variety of reasons.  They might have been raised in a household where communicating personal needs was seen as indulgent or selfish.  Maybe they had hurtful experiences in other relationships where their emotional vulnerability was met with scorn.  Or there could be other reasons.  A skilled psychotherapist can help clients to define personal needs and help people to communicate these needs in a healthy way.

Seeking Help in Therapy For Relationship Issues

• Built Up Resentment: If problems have festered for a long time, it can be hard to broach certain relationship topics because they have become too fraught to discuss calmly.  A skilled psychotherapist can help a couple to move beyond their reactivity and resentments to understand the underlying issues and focus on the negative cycle instead of blaming each other (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

• Problems With Discrepancies in Sexual Desire: It's not unusual for two people to have differences in sexual desire.  One person might want to have sex several times a week and the other might prefer once a month or not at all.  This is one of the most common reasons why couples seek help. A skilled sex therapist can help a couple to overcome this issue (see my articles: Sexual Desire Discrepancy: What to Do If You and Your Partner Have Different Sex Drives? and To Rekindle Passion Fire Needs Air).

• Fear of Change: Many people would rather avoid talking about changes in the relationship because it feels too frightening to them. Their fears might be rooted in unresolved childhood trauma or traumatic experiences from prior relationships. An experienced therapist can help by working with the individual or couple to understand and work through these fears so that the couple no longer avoids discussing issues in the relationship (see my article: Fear of Change).

• Unresolved Issues Related to a History Cheating: Many couples avoid dealing with a history of cheating. Instead, they just agree to "move on" without understanding the underlying issues, which will be different for each individual, or addressing the impact on the relationship in terms of feelings of betrayal and mistrust.  However couples who work through issues in couples therapy develop a stronger relationship (see my article: Coping With Betrayal in a Relationship).

• Denial: Denial is a powerful defense mechanism. People who are fear making changes often convince themselves that "everything will work out" without the couple doing anything to improve things.  Fear gets in the way of discussing difficult issues.  Then, something happens to challenge this assumption--the discovery of an affair, one partner saying they want out of the relationship or some other crisis that shakes their confidence that things will work out on their own.  A skilled couples therapist can help the couple to deal with the crisis and get to the other side where they can finally address issues they have been avoiding.

• Distorted Beliefs About Relationships: People who believe that "love conquers all" or other myths can become disillusioned when they realize that it takes more than love to work out important issues in relationships.  There are many people in relationships who love each other, but they can't work out their problems.  A skilled couples therapist can help a couple to overcome distorted beliefs so they can deal with the problems in their relationship.

Problems that you might have thought were beyond fixing often have solutions.

Rather than avoiding problems in your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional.

Seeking help in therapy sooner rather than later can enable you to work out problems and have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to work through relationship problems, including issues related to trauma (see my article:What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is a Unicorn in a Nonmonogamous Relationship?

Most of us grew up hearing stories about rare mythical creatures called unicorns.  Unicorns originated in Asia around 4,700 years ago and they became popular in Greece about 2,000 years ago.  They symbolize power, peace and magic.  

What is a Unicorn in a Non-Monogamous Relationship?

In Europe, unicorns had the body of a white horse, a beard, the cloven hooves of a goat, the tail of a lion and a long horn protruding from its forehead.  

In olden times, Europeans believed that unicorns actually existed in real life--even though they believed they were very hard to find. They also believed unicorns' horns had magical healing properties that could cure illness, serve as an antidote for poison and prolong youth.  

What is a Unicorn in Non-Monogamous Relationship?

The unicorn is typically a bisexual or sexually fluid woman who joins a heterosexual couple for anything from casual sex to a long term commitment.

Although a unicorn is usually a woman, it's also possible that a unicorn could be a bisexual man, but this isn't as common (see my article: What is an Ethically Non-Monogamous Relationship?).

The unicorn is usually invited into a couple's non-monogamous relationship for sex.  In the most traditional form of this threesome, a unicorn usually isn't considered to be equal to the two people in the relationship, but this also depends on the dynamic agreed to by the three people involved. 

Typically, the couple has already set their own rules about what is permissible before they meet the woman who is willing to be a third party in their relationship. These rules often include an agreement that the unicorn can't have sex with either one of the individuals without the other partner because this could cause jealousy and conflict.

However, each couple comes up with their own rules and it's up to the person in the role of the unicorn to either follow their rules or make her demands known.

Sometimes, the couple is willing to have a unicorn as an equal member, as previously mentioned.  In general, these arrangements are as individual as the individuals involved.

Although it's not certain who coined the term "unicorn," many people believe the term goes back to the counterculture of the 1970s as part of swinger lifestyle where a unicorn was a term used to describe a bisexual woman who was willing to have sex with both people in the relationship.

Similar to the rare mythical creatures in fairy tales, women who are unicorns, who are willing to join a heterosexual couple for sex, are rare and hard to find (hence, the name "unicorn").  Although it's a little easier today on some dating apps using the unicorn emoji as shorthand for those in the know, unicorns are still considered difficult to find.

Aside from a willingness to have sex with the couple, a bisexual woman these days might not be so willing to take a subordinate role and follow the couple's rules.  

Also, it can be hard to find a bisexual woman who is attracted to both the man and the woman in the relationship. Likewise, the man and the woman in the relationship might not both be attracted to the same woman.

Since they are difficult to find, as previously mentioned, it's possible that some couples these days are willing to give unicorns equal power if she is willing and interested in having sex with both people.  

What Does the Term "Unicorn Hunting" Mean?

The term "unicorn hunting" refers to a couple (or usually just the man) who is "hunting" for a bisexual or sexually fluid woman to have sex with the couple.  

In the most traditional sense, as it was practiced in the 1970s (and possibly still among some people today), the term unicorn hunting reeks of misogyny.  

Unicorn hunting has a negative connotation because it implies that the bisexual woman is prey to be hunted down like an animal.

Also, individuals and couples often use unscrupulous methods to find the third party.  They have been known to mislead bisexual women into thinking one of them wants to have sex with her and it only becomes apparent afterwards that she is sought after by both people in the relationship.

Aside from the lack of transparency, the unfairness of this arrangement can also include an imbalance of power by privileged couples who take advantage of their power dynamic with the bisexual woman.

The imbalance of power can include a rule that the unicorn can't have sex with anyone else aside from this couple.  

Couples who are seeking a unicorn often go to lesbian or gay bars, events or clubs seeking a bisexual woman to come home with them.  They often stand out in the crowd, and most people there are aware of what they are seeking.

This is one of the reasons why "unicorn hunters" are often resented by the LGBTQ community when they come to events seeking a bisexual woman for sex.  Aside from the tradition of hunters mischaracterizing what they're looking for, they're often considered exploitive of bisexual women.

However, in recent times there have been more stories of unicorns being treated with the respect and dignity that they deserve.  

I recently listened to a podcast in which a woman, who was in the role of the unicorn, described meeting a couple at a resort and being treated very well by both of them.  

As she described it, she had a lot of autonomy and she had equal power in the relationship. In fact, she was the initiator of sex with them.  

She indicated they were considerate of her and at no time did she feel uncomfortable or like she was in a subordinate role.  Even after they got back home from the resort, they continued to treat her very well.

Also, women who enter into these relationships are now more aware that they don't have to consent to any rules or sexual acts they don't like and they don't have to remain with the couple.

The Potential Psychological Impact of Being a Unicorn

Depending upon the people involved and the circumstances, the impact of taking on the role of a unicorn can be pleasurable, especially if the couple sees the third party as being on an equal footing with them.

It can also be demeaning if the couple belittles the woman and treats her like a subordinate, as previously mentioned.

In addition, if a woman has a personal history of being emotionally neglected, abused or feeling invisible in her family of origin, entering into this type of relationship can be retraumatizing for her.

How is Being a Unicorn Different From Solo Polyamory?

With solo polyamory, individuals usually lead a single, independent lifestyle at the same time they are part of multiple intimate relationships.

More about this in my next article.

Before Entering into the Role of a Unicorn, a Woman Would Be Wise to:

• Know exactly what she's entering into before she takes on the role.

• Meet the couple in a public place (similar to going out on a first date) and get a sense of them.

• Get to know the couple first in a non-sexual way and make sure she feels comfortable with them.

• Believe in her own self worth.

• Be clear and assertive that she expects to be treated as an equal and with respect.

• Consent to only what she wants to do regardless of what the couple wants.

• Understand that the situation can become complicated and degenerate if one or both people in the relationship become suspicious, jealous or angry about her role or if they're having problems in their relationship.  This is especially true because the negative dynamics of triangulation can enter into the situation.  Also, be aware that many couples seek out a third party to try to fix an unstable relationship, which almost never works, and she could be walking into a mess.

• Know that she can walk away from the situation at any time.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.