Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

Becoming aware of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship can help you to break destructive patterns that create problems for you and your partner (see my article: Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior).

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

Self sabotaging behavior in relationships can be conscious or unconscious behavior that stem from fear of abandonment, low self esteem, unresolved trauma and other related problems.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

This destructive behavior often acts as a defense mechanism to avoid emotional pain.  

What Does Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship Look Like?

The following are examples of self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

• Creating Conflict and Drama: Picking fights over small issues, being very critical or finding faults with a partner to cause problems

• Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Distancing, shutting down emotionally or exiting conversations when intimacy or conflicts arise. Note: Many individuals who have an avoidant attachment style withdraw because they are overwhelmed and they need time to recoup. This is different from withdrawing to intentionally distance yourself from your partner (see my article: Improve Communication in Your Relationship By Eliminating the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Testing Loyalty: Setting up tests to see how much your partner cares about you. This often leads to a self fulfilling prophecy of abandonment when the tests are unreasonable.

• Insecurity and Jealousy: Projecting insecurities, excessive monitoring or comparing current partners unfavorably to past partners (see my article: Jealousy Isn't Love).

• Ending a Relationship Prematurely: Ending a relationship before it can end on its own. This often occurs out of fear of a future rejection by the partner.

• Holding Onto Grudges and Resentment: Refusing to let go of past minor disagreements or mistakes so there is no repair between you and your partner. Instead of actively repairing the problem between you, you avoid dealing with it so that, over time, there is a pile-up of grudges and resentment which causes emotional disconnection between you and your partner or the relationship ends from the weight of the resentments (see my article: The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Distance and Loneliness in Relationships).

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior in Relationships?

• Fear of Abandonment or Rejection: Pushing your partner away to avoid an anticipated future rejection--even in cases where this fear is a distortion

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Fear of Emotional Vulnerability: Lacking trust or experiencing a fear of taking the risk to open up emotionally. Since being vulnerable is an essential part of a healthy relationship, this fear can ruin a relationship (see my article: Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• Low Self Esteem:  A feeling that you don't deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship

• Unrealistic Expectations: Holding your partner to unrealistic or impossible standards (see my article: Your Partner Can't Meet All Your Needs).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates self sabotaging behavior in a relationship:

Jane

When Jane met Alan, she realized she liked him a lot and she wanted to get to know him better.

Three months later, they both agreed they had fallen in love and they wanted to be exclusive so they stopped dating other people.

Initially, Jane enjoyed her time with Alan and she could foresee a long term relationship and even marriage.  But, as they got closer, her old fears and insecurities made her feel very anxious and fearful in the relationship. 

One of her biggest fears was she anticipated that Alan would realize that she wasn't good enough for him and he would leave her (see my article: Overcoming the Fear That Others Won't Like You If They Got to Know the "Real You").

She talked to Alan about this and he tried to reassure her that he loved her and he wanted to be with her, but no amount of reassurance helped to alleviate Jane's fears.

Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

When Jane became overwhelmed with her fear that Alan would leave her, she would break up with him. Initially, she felt relieved because she was no longer dreading being abandoned. But soon afterward, she regretted breaking up with him and she would feel desperate to rekindle their relationship.

After they got back together again, Jane's fear and insecurity would come up again. She knew she didn't want to break up with Alan, but she found the emotional vulnerability of being in the relationship to be overwhelming. 

At the time, she didn't realize that she would pick arguments with him over insignificant things as a way of creating emotional distance. But when they started couples therapy, the couples therapist helped them to see the negative cycle in their relationship and Jane realized she was picking fights with Alan out of fear.

In addition to couples therapy, Jane attended her own individual trauma therapy to deal with the underlying trauma that was the cause of her self sabotaging behavior.

Over time, Jane was able to work through her unresolved childhood trauma which created her fear of abandonment and insecurity. She and Alan also learned to work as a team to prevent the negative cycle in their relationship with the help of their couples therapist.

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in Your Relationship

• Recognize Patterns and Triggers: To recognize patterns and triggers requires self awareness and a willingness to change. 

• Develop Open Communication: Instead of engaging in passive aggressive or other unhealthy behavior, create open and vulnerable communication with your partner. 

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior in a Relationship

• Build Self Esteem: Work on developing your self esteem to accept love and accept being in a healthy relationship without fear and reactive behavior.

• Work on Unresolved Personal Trauma in Trauma Therapy: Since the root cause of self sabotaging behavior usually stems from unresolved childhood trauma, work on these issues in trauma therapy so that you no longer get triggered in your relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

• Work on Relationship Issues in Couples Therapy: A couples therapist who practices Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you and your partner to identify and prevent and a negative cycle in your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy) and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during busness hours or email me.

The Unspoken Rift: Resentment, Emotional Disconnection and Loneliness in Relationships

Resentment, emotional disconnection and loneliness tend to form a negative cycle in relationships where unspoken pain gradually creates"walls" that replace emotional and physical intimacy with distance.

Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship

Resentment is a complicated emotional response to perceived mistreatment or unmet needs. Resentment is a mix of anger, bitterness and disappointment.

What is the Life Cycle of Resentment and Disconnection?

• A Slow Build Up: Resentment rarely develops overnight.  It builds up over time due to repeated experiences of feeling unseen, unheard or unsupported. Resentment often starts when one or both people in the relationship have unexpressed feelings as a result of wanting to avoid conflict.

• Emotional Numbing: As a way to avoid feeling emotional pain in the relationship, individuals "numb out" or detach emotionally. This withdrawal creates an unspoken rift (see my article: What Happens When You Numb Yourself Emotionally?).

• Loneliness When Together: Unspoken resentment can lead to a sense of loneliness even when a couple is physically together in the same space. Their interactions can become transactional or as if on "autopilot' lacking warmth or genuine connection (see my article: Feeling Lonely in a Relationship).

• The Negative Cycle Feeds on Itself: The negative cycle of resentment, disconnection and loneliness feeds on itself. 

What Are the Signs of Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship?

The following are some of the signs:

• Silence and Avoidance: One partner staying up late to avoid their partner. One or both partners retreating to another room or avoiding topics that might create conflict.

Loss of Emotional and Physical Intimacy

• Loss of Intimacy: A decrease or cessation of affection, physical intimacy, meaningful conversation or interest in the other partner's inner emotional world.

• Passive Aggressive Behavior: Using sarcasm, subtle jabs or eye rolling as a form of contempt instead of direct communication (see my article: Improving Communication By Eliminating the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

• Keeping Score: Constantly comparing efforts or bringing up old mistakes during unrelated arguments (see my article: How to Stop "Kitchen Sinking" Your Partner).

Strategies For Dealing With Resentment, Disconnection and Loneliness in a Relationship

• Acknowledge the Resentment: Address the resentment using "I" statements rather than being accusatory. Shift away from blame to vulnerability: "I miss you when we don't talk" instead of "You never talk to me!"

Disconnection and Distractions in Relationships

• Avoid Distractions: Instead of distracting yourself with your phone or being on the Internet, avoid distractions so you can connect with your partner. 

• Find Ways to Reconnect Emotionally: Find meaningful ways to reconnect by engaging in activities you both enjoy. This could involve planning a date night--even if that means staying at home and playing a game together or watching and talking about a favorite movie. In addition, make plans to take a trip together at least once a year, if that's possible. Instead of one person doing all the planning, plan it together as a way to connect and anticipate the pleasure of the upcoming trip.

• Find Ways to Reconnect Physically: Start slowly with physical touch and other gestures of affection. Talk about what you used to enjoy together sexually and what you each miss about not being physically intimate (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

• Get Help in Couples Therapy: When there has been a build up of resentment, emotional disconnection and loneliness over a period of time, self help techniques are often not enough. If you have stopped having sex, a skilled couples therapist who is also a sex therapist can help you to develop the tools and strategies to improve your relationship over time. This usually begins with a focus on emotional and relational issues before sexual issues are addressed.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases:

Lisa and Ed

Married for 25 years, Lisa and Ed co-existed together in their home.

Both of them grew up in families where conflict was never discussed so neither of them knew how to talk about uncomfortable feelings. 

Rather than talking about the increasing emotional and physical gulf between them, they tried to avoid one another.

Over time, their sex life dwindled to a couple of times a year. During their sexual encounters, they both experienced sex as "robotic" and disconnected, but neither of them knew how to talk about it (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex?).

After they had sex, Ed would usually roll over and go to sleep and Lisa would get up to do chores around the house. There were no expressions of affection either verbally or physically (see my article: Why is Sexual Aftercare Important?).

Ed spent most of his free time in the basement tinkering in his workshop and Lisa spent most of her time driving their teenage sons to sports and other extracurricular activities.

Both of them were unaware of how their sons acted as a buffer between them until both sons left for college. At that point, Lisa and Ed felt increasingly lonely, but neither of them had the communication or relationship skills to talk about it.

Unhappy and desperate to change their situation, Lisa listened to a podcast with Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) Julie Menanno, LMFT who talked about the negative cycle in relationships. 

As Lisa listened to the podcast, she realized that she and Ed were stuck in a negative cycle and it was possible to learn strategies for how they could break out of that cycle.

When she summoned the courage, Lisa broached the topic of attending couples therapy with Ed over dinner. She could see this made Ed very uncomfortable, but she persisted by telling him she realized they were both unhappy in their relationship and, as she was approaching her 50th birthday, she knew she wanted more out of a relationship.

Ed was reluctant to attend couples therapy at first, but he also sensed that Lisa might end their relationship and he wasn't ready to end their marriage. So, after considerable thought, Ed agreed to go to couples therapy.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)

Their couples therapist was an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist (EFT) who helped Ed and Lisa to develop the communication and relationship skills they were lacking.  This was challenging for both of them because it meant confronting their discomfort about difficult issues between them. But, over time, they improved their communication skills and let go of their fear of dealing with conflict and resentment.

Both of them were surprised to feel relieved to finally be able to address years of resentment in a way that was respectful and empathetic.  This helped them to open up emotionally in a way they had never experienced before. Gradually, they also let go of their resentments.

After several months, they were both ready to improve their sex life and their therapist provided them with psychoeducation about sex therapy homework to do at home. 

Initially, it was awkward for Lisa and Ed to be sexually intimate, but they developed patience and a sense of humor to overcome the awkwardness until, eventually, they were able to have a more satisfying sex life again.

The work was neither quick nor easy and, just like any other type of therapy, there were setbacks (see my article: Setbacks Are a Normal Part of Therapy on the Road to Healing).

However, step by step, Lisa and Ed saw gradual improvements that built on each other until, over time, they had the fulfilling relationship they wanted.

Conclusion

Resentment and emotional disconnection in a long term relationship usually builds up over time. 

When conflicts go unaddressed and unrepaired in a relationship and resentment increases, emotional disconnection and loneliness also increase until the couple is trapped in a negative cycle.

Acknowledging the problem is the first step to improving the relationship. 

Although many couples end their current relationship and start a new one, they usually discover they develop the same problems in the new relationship because they don't have the communication and relationship skills necessary to sustain a healthy relationship (see my article: How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in One Relationship After the Next).

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

If you want to improve your relationship, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a couples therapist and certified sex therapist (see my article: What is Couples Sex Therapy?).

Individuals and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: Why Do People Seek Help in Couples Sex Therapy?).

A skilled sex therapist can help to dispel many of the misconceptions about sex therapy. For instance, there is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help so you can develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual clients and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article

How to Let Go of Resentments in Your Relationship 

 

Relationships: How Toxic Shame Makes Communication Challenging

Toxic shame can make communication very challenging in a relationship, so I'm exploring this issue and providing tips on how you can deal with this toxic shame.

What is Toxic Shame?

Before we delve into communication issues, let's start by defining toxic shame.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

Toxic shame is different from healthy shame.

Whereas healthy shame is usually a passing, situational emotion, toxic shame is a chronic, deep-seated belief of being unworthy, unlovable, flawed or bad (see my article: What is the Difference Between Healthy Shame and Toxic Shame?).

• Internalization: Toxic shame is an internalized experience--usually internalized during childhood. It affects your identity ("I am bad" or "I am unlovable" or "I am stupid"). Healthy shame isn't about your identity--it's about your behavior ("I did something bad" or "I said something wrong").

• Duration: Toxic shame is chronic and pervasive and healthy shame is temporary and dissipates after a while.

• Purpose: While healthy shame motivates positive change, moral development and repairing relationships, toxic shame causes "emotional paralysis", defensiveness, self sabotage and social withdrawal.

• Origin: Toxic shame usually develops in childhood due to abuse, emotional neglect, severe criticism or other types of trauma. Toxic shame creates a belief that love must be "earned" (e.g., good grades in school and in other performative ways).

• Impact: Toxic shame often leads to perfectionism in an attempt to hide "the broken self", people-pleasing or severe anxiety (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

How Does Toxic Shame Create Communication Problems?

Toxic shame creates deep insecurity which makes it challenging to communicate.

Here are the main communication issues related to toxic shame:

• Defensiveness: Toxic shame makes individuals highly sensitive to perceived criticism. This can create a situation where even neutral comments can be heard as personal insults, which leads to defensiveness.

Toxic Shame in Relationships

• Distorted Perception: Toxic shame acts like a filter. This can make it difficult for individuals to accept love or believe they are worthy, which causes them to misunderstand or ignore their partner's positive expressions of affection.

• Emotional Withdrawing and Stonewalling: Toxic shame causes individuals to protect themselves from vulnerability by shutting down, withdrawing emotionally and/or physically, which can cause the other partner to feel lonely and abandoned (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?).

• Anger and Aggression: Toxic shame can manifest as anger or aggression where one partner responds to vulnerability or conflict by lashing out, blaming or engaging in contemptuous behavior to deflect from feelings of inadequacy.

Toxic Shame and Perfectionism

• Perfectionism and Masking: An intense feeling of being "found out" as being inadequate can lead to hiding true feelings, maintaining a "perfect" facade and avoiding honest and open conversations about fears and insecurities.

How to Communicate With a Partner Who Has Toxic Shame

Julie Menanno, LMFT, an Emotionally Focused Therapist for couples discusses communication problems in her book, Secure Love.

As Ms. Menanno indicates, communicating with a partner who has toxic shame requires a "safe space" (see my article: Creating a Safe Haven For Each Other).

Here are some suggestions that can be helpful if you have a partner who experiences toxic shame:

• Validate Before Solving: Listen to your partner's emotional experience first without immediately jumping into a problem solving mode. Recognize that your partner might be acting out of toxic shame and pressure, so try not to take their words personally (see my article: What is Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Relationship Skill?).

• Use "I" Statements: Use "I" statements to express your feelings to avoid putting your partner on the defensive. An example would be: "I feel lonely when we don't talk for a few days" instead of "You always ignore me".

Teamwork in a Relationship

• Work Together on the Problem as a Team: Instead of attacking your partner, attack the problem together. Instead of saying "You did this wrong", say "I know this is a tough situation for both of us." Approach the problem in the spirit of teamwork to deal with it.

• Provide Reassurance: Since toxic shame can make your partner feel unworthy, remind your partner of your love and commitment.  

• Create Safe Openings: If your partner shuts down, create a safe opening by saying, "I notice you're distant. I care about you and I want to understand."

• Avoid "Why" Questions: Why questions like "Why did you do that?" can sound accusatory and trigger defensive reactions.

• Take Breaks: If the conversation gets too heated, take a short break and come back to it when you're both calmer (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship).

• Prioritize Your Own Safety: If your partner is causing you harm, it's important to prioritize your own safety. Don't isolate. Talk to trusted loved ones and get support.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to resolve problems between you, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional who is an EFT couples therapist (see my article: What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples?.)

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek professional help so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Emotionally Focused Therapist (EFT) for Couples, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes From One Relationship to the Next

Years ago a friend said to me, "I just don't have any luck in relationships." 

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Relationships

At that point, I knew he wasn't ready to hear that "luck" had nothing to do with his ongoing relationship problems. 

Once he had taken the time to heal from his last breakup, he was able to see how he was unconsciously recreating the same problems from one relationship to the next with the same result--heartbreak (see my article: How to Stop Bringing Old Wounds Into a New Relationship).

What Are Relationship Patterns?

A relationship pattern is when you repeat the same behaviors repeatedly in old and new relationships so that you keep creating the same negative cycle.

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Relationships

No one wants to hear that they are unconsciously bringing the same problems into all their relationships. It takes a genuine sense of curiosity and an openness to become more self aware to hear how you might be creating problems for yourself (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

What Are Some of These Unhealthy Patterns?

Some of the unhealthy patterns include (but are not limited to):

• Choosing partners with the same or similar problems (e.g., problems with alcohol/drugs, abusive behavior and so on)

• Being unwilling to communicate when challenging issues arise (see my article: Are You a Stonewaller?)

• Being unwilling to see how you contribute to the negative cycle in your relationship

• Being too dependent on your partner (see my article: What is the Difference Between Codependency and Interdependency?)

• Being unwilling to compromise or change your behavior which contributes to the negative cycle in your relationship

How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Relationships

• Expecting to have all your needs fulfilled by your partner (see my article: Your Partner Can't Fulfill All Your Needs)

• Behaving like a parent to your partner (see my article: Behaving Like a Parent to Your Partner Could Be Ruining Your Relationship)

• Acting like a roommate to your partner (see my article: Have You and Your Partner Stopped Having Sex?)

• Controlling or passive aggressive behavior (see my article: Controlling Behavior)

• Keeping score (see my article: Stop Keeping Score in Your Relationship)

Why Do People Repeat the Same Negative Relationship Patterns?

Sigmund Freud developed the original concept of repetition compulsion which is a tendency to unconsciously reenact past unresolved trauma in an attempt to try to gain mastery over them.

Relationship repetition syndrome is the modern psychological application of Freud's repetition compulsion where individuals recreate painful and traumatic attachment patterns in adult relationships (see my article: What is Traumatic Reenactment?).

Key Factors of Relationship Repetition Syndrome

• Lack of Awareness and Self Reflection: If you get involved in a new relationship too quickly, you're not taking the time to understand what went wrong in the last relationship and your contribution to it.

• Ignoring Red Flags: Related to lack of awareness and self reflection, when you ignore or minimize red flags with new partners, you're more likely to repeat the same problems (see my article: Are You Ignoring Red Flags?).

• An Unconscious Drive to Repeat the Same Patterns: There is an unconscious compulsion to recreate familiar painful dynamics. 

• Being Drawn to What is Familiar: You're drawn to what is familiar, even if it's painful, because the brain interprets familiarity with being "normal".

• Unresolved Trauma: These patterns often stem from early childhood trauma or past traumatic relationships that haven't been fully processed or resolved (see my article: When Past Trauma Affects You in the Present).

• The Desire For Mastery: According to Freud, repetition compulsion is an unconscious attempt to change the end of past trauma, especially early childhood trauma. Similarly, when you might reenact conflicts each partner hoping to "fix" your partner to achieve a different outcome than the original childhood trauma.

Examples of Relationship Repetition Syndrome:

• Recreating Traumatic Childhood Dynamics: If you had emotionally unable parents, you might unconsciously choose emotionally unavailable partners (see my article: Recreating Past Trauma in the Present).

• Reenacting Abuse or Neglect: If you grew up with abuse or neglect as a child, you might unconsciously choose partners who will be abusive or emotionally neglectful (see my article: Healing Childhood Trauma: What is the Differnce Between Abuse and Neglect?).

• Self Sabotage: Unconsciously engaging in behaviors that destroy an otherwise functional relationship in an attempt to reenact a familiar and dysfunctional family history (see my article: Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior).

How To Stop Repeating the Same Mistakes From One Relationship to the Next

• Avoid Getting Involved in a New Relationship Too Quickly: Instead of jumping into a new relationship, take time to reflect on the patterns you bring to a potential new relationship. Analyze your patterns. Reflect on the recurring negative patterns from your family of origin or past relationships.

• Work on Changing Small Patterns: Instead of trying to change everything at once, focus on changing one behavior pattern at a time.

• Get Help in Trauma Therapy: If you keep recreating the traumatic past in your relationships, you could benefit from working with a trauma therapist to resolve your past trauma so you don't keep repeating it in your relationships. Trauma therapy includes therapy that was specifically developed to help clients to overcome trauma including EMDR, IFS, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing. Once you have freed yourself from your traumatic past, you will be free to have more fulfilling relationships (see my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The Silent Treatment and Gaslighting As Emotional and Psychological Abuse

The combination of the silent treatment and gaslighting is a powerful form of emotional and psychological abuse (see my article: What is Psychological Manipulation?).

Let's look at each one separately and then we'll look at them together.

What is the Silent Treatment?

It's important to distinguish the silent treatment from someone who communicates they need a break from an argument.  

The Silent Treatment

When someone communicates they need a break, they usually do it because they are feeling overwhelmed or they feel a conflict is getting out of control and both people need a break. The understanding is that this is a temporary break and both sides will come together again in a calmer state to continue talking.

The silent treatment a deliberate and prolonged withdrawal of communication. It's usually used to control and inflict punishment.  

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting involves manipulating someone into questioning their own thoughts, perceptions and memories (see my article: What Are the 7 Stages of Gaslighting in a Relationship?).

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a control tactic to get someone to doubt their reality so they often become dependent upon the abuser.

    Common tactics or phrases include:

• Denial of Facts: "That never happened" or "I never said that" even when they are confronted with proof

• Trivializing Feelings: "You're overreacting" or "You're too sensitive"

• Diverting/Blocking: "You're just imagining things" or accusing someone of being "crazy"

• Twisting Information: Manipulating events to make the other person feel guilty or at fault

    Signs of Gaslighting:

• Second-Guessing Yourself: You constantly second guess your memories or decisions.

• Confusion, Anxiety, Disorientation: You feel confused, anxious or disoriented.

• Self Doubt: You feel like you can't do anything right.

How Does the Combination of the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting Function as Abuse?

• Gaslighted By Silence: When someone uses the silent treatment, they are withholding emotion and connection. If they deny they were cold or indicate that they were "just taking space", despite engaging in a cruel and prolonged shutdown, they are using silence as a form of gaslighting.

Gaslighting By Silence

• Creating "Crazy-Making" Doubt: They might ignore the other person after a disagreement and then act as if nothing happened or accuse the other person of overreacting when they try to address their prolonged coldness. This can cause the other person to question their perceptions.

• The Cycle of Punishment and Reward: They use silence to punish the other person as a way to manipulate them into "working" for the resumption of the conversation (e.g., apologizing for something they didn't do).

• Narcissistic Tendencies: People who use the silent treatment and gaslighting tend to have narcissistic tendencies. They often engage in this behavior to avoid taking responsibility.

What is the Psychological Impact of the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting?

• Internalized Blame and Feelings of Inadequacy: The person who is experiencing the silent treatment and gaslighting can feel shame, guilt and a decrease in their sense of self worth.

Self Blame and Doubt

• "Walking on Eggshells": They can develop high anxiety and hypervigilance while monitoring the other person's mood to avoid another episode of the silent treatment.

• Trauma Bonding: The unpredictable cycle of severe disconnection followed by sudden reconnection can create trauma bonds making them increasingly dependent on the other person (see my article: What isTrauma Bonding in a Relationship?.).

• Physical and Neurological Pain: Research indicates that being deliberately ignored activates the same area in the brain, the anterior cingulate cortex, that processes physical pain.

• Long Term Effects: Prolonged exposure to a combination of the silent treatment and gaslighting can lead to symptoms similar to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) including chronic stress, anxiety, depression and confusion.

What Can You Do If You're Experiencing the Silent Treatment and Gaslighting?

• Be Aware This is Abuse: By recognizing this behavior as abuse that is meant to control you can help you to reduce self blame.

Setting Boundaries

• Set Boundaries: Communicate that you won't engage with someone who refuses to communicate openly and effectively (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

• Document Incidents: Keep a record of these incidents to counteract the effects to gaslighting.

Getting Help in Therapy

• Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members and a licensed mental health professional to break the cycle of isolation.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.