What is Self Awareness and Why Is It Important For You and Your Relationships?

What is Self Awareness?

Self awareness is the conscious ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, thoughts, behaviors, strengths and weaknesses (see my article: What is Self Reflecting Awareness and Why Is It Important to You?).

Developing Self Awareness

Self awareness involves objectively evaluating your character and recognizing how your actions and personality affect yourself and others.  Self awareness acts as the basis for Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

What Are the Core Components of Self Awareness?

• Internal Self Awareness: Understanding your own inner emotional wants and needs, values, passions, aspirations and emotional reactions

• External Awareness: Recognizing how you are perceived by others and understanding the impact of your actions on them 

• Objective Focus: The ability to monitor yourself as if you were another person by focusing on the reality of your behavior rather than on a self created story

Why Does Self Awareness Matter?

• Enhanced Emotional Control: Recognizing your emotions helps you to manage them effectively

Developing Self Awareness

• Better Relationships: Understanding your impact on others helps improves interpersonal connections

• Personal Growth: Identifying strengths and weaknesses fosters a growth mindset and increased self esteem

What Are the Signs of Low Self Awareness?

Some of the signs of low self awareness include:

• Lack of Reflection: Rarely thinking about your own thoughts, feelings, behavior or motivations 

• Limited Emotional Vocabulary: Describing feelings as only "good" or "bad" or in some other vague way that make it difficult to understand, process or communicate your feelings

• Poor Emotional Regulation: Experiencing intense, sudden emotional outbursts or being unable to identify and manage your own triggers

• Defensiveness and Accountability Deficits: Responding to feedback with anger or excuses rather than reflection and taking responsibility for mistakes

• "Blind Spots" and Poor Perspective: An inability to "read the room" or to recognize how your behavior affects others (see my article: Overcoming Your Emotional Blind Spots)

• Arrogance and Over-Reliance on External Validation: Holding a distorted or overly positive view of yourself while needing to be the center of attention (i.e. a need for a lot of external validation) and always needing to be "right"

• Boundary Crossing: Consistently crossing or pushing other people's boundaries (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt)

What Are the Consequences of Low Self Awareness?

While you might struggle to understand why your actions aren't getting you the results you want, low self awareness often leads to:

• Fractured relationships
• Poor decision-making
• High levels of anxiety and frustration 

How to Develop Better Self Awareness

• Get Curious: Get curious about your own thoughts, feelings and behavior and what motivates you (see my article: How to Develop a Curious Mindset)

• Practice Mindfulness: Be fully present and aware of your thoughts and feelings in the moment

• Seek Feedback: Ask trusted friends and family members for their perspective on your behavior

Developing Self Awareness

• Journaling: Reflect on your thoughts, feelings and behavior in a journal

• Asking Yourself "Why": Analyze the underlying reasons behind your behavior and your decisions and ask why you feel and think the way you do

How Can Therapy Help You to Develop Increased Self Awareness?

Psychotherapy, especially Experiential Therapy, provides a safe space for you to boost your self awareness:

• A Safe Reflection Space: The therapist can offer a "mirror", providing objective feedback that helps you to see blind spots and helps you to see how your behavior affects you and others.

• Identifying Unconscious Patterns: Therapy can help you to identify recurring unconscious thoughts, feelings and behavior that influence your life which helps you to move from automatic reactions to conscious choices.

Developing Self Awareness

• Exploring Emotions and Triggers: You can learn to identify, label and understand the root causes of your emotional responses, including stress and anger, using tools like the Wheel of Emotions or other similar methods.

• Mindfulness Techniques: Mindfulness in therapy encourages you to be present and notice your thoughts and behavior in the here-and-now without judgment, which helps you to understand your inner world and manage your responses.

• Uncovering Core Beliefs: By exploring past experiences and current perceptions, you can uncover deep-seated beliefs and values that drive your behavior.

• Visualizing Your Inner World: Experiential Therapy, like Internal Family Systems (IFS), can help you to explore your desires, fears, needs and goals (see my article: How Does Imagery and Imagination Enchance Psychotherapy?).

Getting Help in Therapy

A lack of self awareness often occurs because adults weren't taught about emotional intelligence when they were children. 

Their parents didn't help them to name, validate and manage emotions in their daily life. 

Getting Help in Therapy

This often occurs because these parents weren't taught these skills as children, so they grew up to be adults lacking in self awareness.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop emotional intelligence which will increase your self awareness and your awareness of others. 

By developing better self awareness, you can lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the year.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me

What is the Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry?

Psychotherapy and psychiatry sound alike, so it can be confusing to know what the differences are and when to see a psychotherapist versus when to see a psychiatrist.

The Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

What is the Difference Between a Psychotherapy and Psychiatry?

While the two terms might sound interchangeable, there are important key differences:

Psychotherapy

Psychotherapists tend to focus on thoughts, including unconscious thoughts, emotions and behavior.

The Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

Psychotherapists have at least a two year Masters degree and many of them also have an additional four years postgraduate training from postgraduate institute (like the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy, National Institute of Psychotherapies and other institutes).

Aside from traditional talk therapy, psychotherapists who go on for advanced training also provide specialized therapy including (but not limited to):

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Internal Family Systems Parts Work (IFS)

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)

• Somatic Experiencing

• Hypnotherapy

• Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

• Sex Therapy (for individuals and couples)

Depending upon their skills and training, many psychotherapists can help clients to:

• Manage Stress and Anxiety

• Overcome Depression

• Develop Resilience and Better Coping Skills

Couples Therapy

• Improve Relationships

• Process Unresolved Issues, including Unresolved Trauma

• Improve Communication Skills

• Cope with Workplace Issues

• Process Unresolved Grief

• Improve Self Esteem

And many other behavioral and interpersonal issues.

Most psychotherapy sessions occur at least once a week for 45-60 minutes.

Psychiatry

Psychiatry focuses on the medical side of mental health.

Psychiatrists are mental health professions who are medical doctors (MDs or DOs). They provide differential diagnoses, prescribe psychotropic medication such as antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, antipsychotic medication and other similar medications.

In the past, psychiatrists provided traditional psychotherapy, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), psychoanalysis and psychodynamic psychotherapy. However, these days most psychiatrists provide medication management. 

Some specialized psychiatrists also provide Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) for severe mental health conditions such as treatment-resistant major depression, ADHD, schizophrenia and  catatonia (a state where someone is awake but unresponsive to other people or the environment).

After the initial evaluation session, psychiatry sessions tend to be shorter in duration (15-20 minutes) to assess how a client is responding to medication management. After a client has been stabilized on medication, sessions might occur every 3-4 months unless the client needs help with medication.

Integrating Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

Clients, who need medication management, benefit from integrating both psychotherapy and psychiatric treatment and many psychotherapists and psychiatrists collaborate to integrate both treatments (see my article: Medication Alone Isn't As Effective As Including Psychotherapy).

For instance, a psychotherapist who is helping a client with anxiety will often be in touch with the client's psychiatrist to provide feedback on what she has observed in therapy sessions and to get information about medications prescribed. This is only done with a written consent from the client.

While some clients choose to only take medication, research has shown that combining psychotherapy and psychiatric treatments is most effective (when psychiatric treatment is needed) rather than just relying on medication because clients learn coping skills and strategies to deal with their mental health issues. 

Psychotherapy can get to the underlying issues that cause the mental health issues and if worked through in therapy, it's possible that medication won't be necessary for certain clients. 

In addition, when clients stop taking medication for certain mental health issues, they often go back to having the same problems they had before they took medication. For instance, if they never learned to manage anxiety symptoms or get to the root cause of their anxiety in therapy, once they stop taking the medication, they are back to where they were before they stopped taking the medication.

At the same time, there are certain mental health conditions that require medication such as schizophrenia, some forms of ADHD or bipolar disorder to mention just a few.

How to Choose Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatric Treatment

Making a decision about mental health treatment can be a big step, especially if you are new to it.

Consider what you need:

Are you looking for help with understanding yourself, improving your relationships, dealing with situational anxiety or working on unresolved trauma or are you dealing with more complex long-standing psychiatric problems?

If you are dealing with a mental health issue that requires medication (e.g., ADHD, bipolar disorder), starting with a psychiatrist is a good first step. Then, once you are stabilized on medication, you can see a psychotherapist to help you to make the behavioral changes that medication alone won't do.

How to Discover What is Right For You

It's easy to get confused about the differences between psychotherapy and psychiatry.

The Difference Between Psychotherapy and Psychiatry

You're not a broken machine that needs to be "fixed". You're a human being which means that, like everyone else, you have messy, complicated and wonderful parts of yourself. We all do.

Rather than focusing on being "perfect", the goal is developing a better understanding of yourself, practicing self compassion, finding the right tools and strategies to deal with life's inevitable ups and downs and living a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Why is Experiential Therapy Better Than Traditional Talk Therapy to Deal With Trauma? 

With Experiential Therapy, There Are No Blank-Slate Therapists 

The Mind-Body Connection: Experiential Therapy Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind 

How to Develop a Curious Mindset

Being curious has emotional, psychological, social and health benefits.

Developing a Curious Mindset

Being curious also strengthens relationships by promoting active listening and empathy.

Curiosity can also lower anxiety because seeking new information is a "feel good" stimulator that can keep the brain from focusing on worst case scenarios.

What Are the Key Benefits of a Curious Mindset?

The following are some of the benefits of being curious:

• Enhanced Learning and Memory: Curious people tend to learn faster and retain information better because curiosity activates the brain's reward center and hippocampus

Developing a Curious Mindset

• Stronger Relationships: Curious people are usually viewed as being warmer and more approachable. They tend to build deeper connections by genuinely engaging in others' ideas and perspectives.

• Increased Mental Health and Resilience: A curious mindset, which is similar to a growth mindset, helps individuals to adapt to challenges and reduce stress, resulting in greater life satisfaction.  

• Professional Growth and Creativity: Curiosity drives innovation, boosts career performance, and helps to find solutions to problems.

• Improved Cognitive Health: Curiosity keeps the mind active and engaged, which strengthens mental capacity.

How to Become a More Curious Person

Becoming a more curious person is a skill that can be developed by shifting from a "know it all" to a "learn it all" mindset.

Curiosity is like a muscle. It requires regular exercise and a willingness to embrace uncertainty.

    Habits to Develop a Curious Mindset

• Ask "Why" and "How": Move beyond simple facts. Instead of just learning what something is, ask why it originated and how it works so you can gain a deeper understanding.

Developing a Curious Mindset

• Adopt a "Beginners Mindset": Approach topics that you already know with fresh eyes. Get comfortable with saying "I don't know" or "I don't understand" to keep your mind open to new information. Then, get curious (see my article: Beginners Mind).

• Keep a Curiosity Journal: Collect ideas, quotes and random questions that pop into your mind throughout the day.

• Read Outside Your Field: Explore topics, books or articles that are entirely unrelated to your area of expertise.

• Change Your Daily Routine: Take a different route or try a new hobby to expose your mind to new stimuli.

• Travel or Explore Locally: Visit new places including museums and other areas where you live that you have not been to before.

• Connect Unrelated Ideas: Look for bridges between unrelated topics. This type of networked thinking can lead to creative insights and a more engaging way to view the world.

• Slow Down and Notice: Pay more attention to your immediate surroundings. Simple activities like walking without a set path or people-watching can stimulate a sense of wonder.

    Habits to Enhance a Curious Mindset

• Listen Without Judgment: Practice active listening where your goal is to understand the other person rather than just waiting for your turn to speak.

Developing a Curious Mindset

• Ask Open Ended Questions: Instead of asking questions with "yes" or "no" answers, ask questions like, "What is it about ______________ that is so fascinating to you?" 

• Surround Yourself With Curious People: Join book clubs, discussion groups, volunteer groups or online communities where learning is valued. Curiosity can become "contagious" in the right social setting.

How to Overcome Barriers to a Curious Mindset

• Face Your Fear of Being Wrong: Many people suppress their curiosity because they're afraid of being wrong or making mistakes. Reframe being wrong as a valuable step in the learning process (see my article: Overcoming Your Fear of Making Mistakes).

• Replace Judgment With Curiosity: When you feel annoyed or judgmental about someone else's behavior, challenge yourself to come up with alternative explanations for their actions.

• Experiment and Be Playful: Give yourself permission to try new things--even if you're not good at them--to break out of rigid routines and ways of thinking.

How Psychotherapy Can Help to Develop a Curious Mindset

Therapy helps individuals to become more curious by helping them to shift from an automatic state of judgment and "knowing" to one of open investigation. 

Therapists encourage clients to explore their inner world by modeling curiosity, using open ended questions, and fostering a safe environment:

• Modeling Compassionate Curiosity: Therapists demonstrate curiosity by asking open-ended questions ("What are you noticing within yourself right now?) instead of making assumptions.  The therapist's "not knowing" stance encourages clients to mirror this openness towards their own thoughts and feelings.

Developing a Curious Mindset

• Developing Interoceptive Awareness: Therapeutic practices that encourage somatic awareness help clients to pay attention to their bodily sensations--such as tension or a feeling of lightness in the body--which can open the door to curiosity about their emotional, psychological and physical state.

• Challenging Rigid Narratives: Therapy challenges rigid narratives. It also helps clients to explore discrepancies between goals and behavior. Instead of clients asking themselves, "Why did I do that?", they can learn to get curious and say to themselves, "What lead me to do that?"

Developing a Curious Mindset

• Reducing Defensiveness: Curiosity is incompatible with judgment. Shifting from a judgmental state to a curious state activates the logical part of the brain and calms the reactive part of the brain.

• Breaking Stagnation: In relationships, curiosity helps reignite intimacy by encouraging partners to keep asking questions rather than assuming they know everything about each other.

• Enhancing Resilience: Developing curiosity can help to cope with depression and anxiety. by fostering flexibility and life satisfaction (see my article: Developing Emotional Resilience).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles 

Maintaining a Sense of Wonder As An Adult 

Seeing Small Wonders All Around Us If We Take the Time to Notice

Striving to Be a Lifelong Learner 

Relationships: Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens Instead of an Enemy Lens

In prior articles I have discussed insecure attachment styles including anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment (see links for these articles at the bottom of this article).

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens

Even if you're familiar with attachment styles, including your own style and your partner's, it's easy to slip into looking through an enemy lens when things get tense between you.  

When you look at your partner through an enemy lens, you might feel like things they say are meant as a personal attack against you or proof that they don't care.  

When you switch your focus to an attachment lens, you can see your partner's behaviors as being either a cry for connection or a cry for space if they are overwhelmed.

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens Instead of an Enemy Lens

Here are some examples of how you can switch your focus:

• From Controlling to Anxious: Instead of seeing your partner's frequent texts or calls as controlling behavior, looking at their behavior from an attachment lens, you can consider that your partner, who feels insecure, might need reassurance from you that you're there for them.

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens

• From "Indifferent" to "Overwhelmed": Instead of seeing your partner's silence as being indifferent or cold, consider that your partner might be overwhelmed and they might feel the need to "shut down" in order to avoid escalating a conflict between you or they might be feeling like a failure.

• From "Picking a Fight" to "They're Reaching Out": Your partner's critical comments can be clumsy, desperate attempts to get your attention because they feel lonely or unimportant to you.

The Negative Cycle is the Enemy--Not Your Partner

In Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT) neither partner is "the bad guy". 

Instead of making your partner the villain or making yourself the problem, see your interactions in terms of the negative cycle you both get stuck in (see my article: Breaking the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship With EFT Couples Therapy).

Looking at Your Partner Through an Attachment Lens

When you stop blaming each other, you can recognize that you each have underlying fears that drive the negative cycle between you.  This allows you to move from a combative or defensive posture to a compassionate stance.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been struggling, you could benefit from working with an EFT couples therapist.

Getting Help in EFT Couples Therapy

A skilled EFT couples therapist can help you to improve your dynamic so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

Relationships: Understanding the 4 Cs of the Attachment Behavioral System

Understanding the Impact of Early Attachment Issues on Adult Relationships

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy For Couples (EFT) 

How Can EFT Couples Therapy Help to Improve Your Relationship? 

How to Get the Most Out of EFT Couples Therapy  

Learning to Ask Your Partner For What You Need

Surviving the End of a Relationship

Ending a relationship is often a challenging experience with many complex, non-linear emotional reactions (see my article: Overcoming the Heartbreak of a Breakup).

Surviving the End of a Relationship

Each person's reactions to a breakup vary at different stages, but there are some common reactions, including a mixture of all the feelings mentioned below:

Common Emotional Reactions

• Sadness: Most people experience sadness after a breakup whether they were the ones who wanted the breakup or not. This often involves crying, social withdrawal and a deep sense of loss. For some people it also includes a period of depression.

• Seeking Explanations: Most people have a strong need to understand why the relationship ended, often replaying past events in their mind to try to find answers.

• Shock and Denial: If the breakup was unexpected, many people have a difficult time accepting it at first because the breakup is a shock. This can lead to a sense of denial that the relationship is over or to a sense of numbness.

• Bargaining: Many people will try to regain control by promising to change or plead for another chance. 

• Anger and Resentment: Many individuals feel angry and resentful if they didn't initiate the breakup. This can lead to lashing out against their ex or self destructive behavior.

• Relief: If the relationship was a high-conflict or unhealthy relationship, an individual might experience a sense of relief.

Common Physical and Psychological Reactions

In addition to the emotional reactions, a breakup can affect the body and daily functioning:

• Brain Chemistry: As a result of a breakup, an individual can experience a loss of the "feel good" hormones like dopamine and oxytocin which can lead to withdrawal-like symptoms. This can also create cravings for the ex-partner.

• Physical Symptoms: An individual going through a breakup can experience increased cortisol which can result in muscle tension, headaches, sleep disturbance and changes in appetite.

• Cognitive Symptoms: It's not unusual to experience a temporary decrease in concentration, memory and decision-making abilities.

Recovery Behaviors

Each person has their own individual recovery behaviors that work for them. Some people prefer to get active again and others prefer to spend time on their own in solitude to recover (see my article: What is the Difference Between Loneliness and Solitude?).

• Going No Contact: Many individuals prefer to go no contact with their ex rather than rehashing their feelings, engaging in bargaining or ongoing discussion about anger and resentment.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

• Spending Time in Solitude: There are some individuals who prefer to spend time on their own to deal with a breakup. They might spend time meditating, journaling or doing other solitary activities they find self affirming.

• Re-engaging in Hobbies and Social Activities: Some people find they prefer to immerse themselves in activities that are meaningful to them including engaging in hobbies and social activities. 

• Reframing the Loss: Being able to reframe a loss usually doesn't happen immediately because it can take time to work through some of the more difficult feelings about the breakup. If someone tries to "reframe" too soon in the grieving process, it can mean that they are avoiding dealing with difficult emotions and they just want to fast forward the process too quickly. For individuals who have allowed themselves to go through the stages of grief about the breakup, reframing can mean seeing the loss in terms of a period of self growth and a time to reinvest in themselves by exploring new interests and build resilience.

• Seek Support: Reaching out to supportive friends and family members as well as to a mental health professional can help to deal with the sense of grief, loss, shock or denial which is often involved in a breakup.

How Can Therapy Help to Deal With a Breakup?

Working with a skilled licensed mental health professional provides a safe, supportive and structured environment to process intense emotions and practical changes involved with a breakup.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

Working with an experienced psychotherapist can help to accelerate the healing process by offering an objective perspective as well as tools and strategies that family and friends often cannot provide.

Well-meaning friends and family members often urge individuals who are going through a breakup to "move on" and "get out there and meet someone new" before the person going through the breakup might be ready. 

Aside from providing a supportive environment, a skilled therapist can also help with:

• Normalizing Common Reactions to a Breakup: An experienced therapist knows that there are common reactions to a breakup and won't try to push you to "move on" before an individual is ready. At the same time, if someone is stuck and unable to grieve, a skilled therapist can help the individual to overcome the obstacles that might be getting in their way.

Surviving the End of a Relationship

• Helping With Emotional Regulation and Coping: Experienced therapists can teach clients skills like grounding techniques, mindfulness, breathing exercises as well as other skills to manage intrusive thoughts and emotional distress.

• Restoring Daily Functioning: If a breakup has disrupted sleep, appetite and ability to function in other ways, an experienced therapist can help you to re-establish your routines and regain focus on daily activities.

• Rebuilding Identity: Many people lose their sense of self when a relationship ends, especially a long term relationship. 

• Breaking Relationship Patterns: By looking at past relationship dynamics, you can identify unhealthy patterns and set healthy boundaries in future relationships.

• Regaining Confidence: If the breakup has caused a loss of confidence, a licensed mental health professional can help an individual to regain their confidence. 

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (four couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

When Love Doesn't Conquer All

Coping With a Breakup When Closure With Your Ex Isn't Possible

How to Be Open to New Possibilities After Healing From a Breakup

Unresolved Trauma: Coping With Resentment For a Passive Parent Who Didn't Protect You From Abuse

Coping with resentment towards a passive parent for their role in childhood abuse or neglect is usually a difficult process (see my article: Letting Go of Resentment).

Coping With Resentment For a Passive Parent

When you were younger, you might have seen this parent as the "safer parent" or the "nice parent" as compared to the parent who was mistreating you.  However, as an adult, you might come to the realization that the parent you thought was safer or nicer didn't protect you from the parent who mistreated you.

Coping With Resentment For the Parent Who Didn't Protect You

Resentment is often a signal that your boundaries were violated and your need for safety was ignored.

Shifting from a child's view to an adult view often includes:

• Allowing the Pedestal to Fall: Shifting from idealizing the passive parent to a realistic understanding of their complex role is a first step in recognizing and coping with your anger and resentment. While it's understandable that, as a child, you might have seen the passive parent as the "good one" compared to the abusive parent, now that you're an adult, you can develop a more mature understanding of why they prioritized the abusive parent's comfort over your well-being. There can be many complex reasons for their passivity, but being aware of this parent's role in your mistreatment is essential to your healing.

• Understanding Responsibility vs Blame: There is a difference between blaming versus responsibility. The passive parent had a responsibility for your safety and well-being when you were a child. This is often a trap that many traumatized individuals get stuck in because they want to be empathetic towards the passive parent and yet they feel resentment towards them.

• Considering the Passive Parent's Humanity: At some point, as an adult, when you have worked through some of your resentment, as part of your healing, you can consider that your passive parent wasn't infallible. Acknowledging your passive parent's flaws, including their own fear, conditioning and their possible unresolved trauma, can help you to see them as a flawed peer.

What Steps Can You Take As An Adult to Deal With Your Resentment?

• Validate Your Reality: Your feelings of resentment and betrayal are real and valid. In many instances, the passive parent tends to minimize your experience in order to keep the peace with the mistreating parent. This might involve the passive parent telling you as an adult, "This happened a long time ago. Why don't you let it go?" or "You turned out alright so why are you still resentful about this?" Rather than allowing the passive parent to minimize your experience, you don't have to participate in the gaslighting as you reclaim your power (see my article: Self Validation).

• Set Firm Boundaries: Boundaries are for your own well-being. They are not meant to hurt your parents. Start by affirming your right to be treated with respect and prioritize your healing and personal growth (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Learn to Stop Self Abandoning: In situations like these, many adult children learn to abandon their own needs to placate the passive parent, so it's important not to self abandon (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

• Expect the Possibility of Resistance: If you have changed your role with the passive parent, you might encounter resistance in terms of being described as someone who has been "brainwashed" or, from their point of view, they might say you are unnecessarily resentful. Try to remain calm and firm in your stance.

• Consider Their Limitations: You cannot force the passive parent to change or leave their situation. Each of you must make your own decisions. You also need to prioritize your well-being.

• Get Help in Trauma Therapy: Untangling these complex situations can be difficult to do on your own. You could benefit from working with a trauma therapist who can help you to heal and grow (see my article: How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates the complexities involved in terms of coping with resentment towards a passive parent and how trauma therapy can help with unresolved trauma:

Ann

As an adult, Ann revealed to her mother that had her father touched her inappropriately multiple times when Ann was 10 years old. In response, her mother remained silent for a long time. Then she said, "You're 25 years old. These things happened a long time ago. Why can't you just let it go?" 

Coping With Resentment For a Passive Parent

Ann was stunned. When she could find her voice, she told her mother that the of sexual abuse by her father was traumatic and, as an adult, it impacted her sexual relationship with her boyfriend as well as her prior relationships with other men.

Ann's mother looked uncomfortable, "You know your father was drinking at the time. He probably didn't even know what he was doing. Now that he's dead, let him rest in peace."

Suddenly it dawned on Ann that her mother might have known about the sexual abuse when Ann was a child and her mother didn't stop it, "Did you know what he was doing to me?"

Her mother left the room quickly and Ann realized that her mother did know and she didn't protect her.  Ann felt enraged and followed her mother into the living room, "You knew, didn't you?"

Her mother looked upset, "You don't understand what it was like. When your father got drunk, he would threaten me. I was terrified that if I confronted him, he would hit me. And I wasn't working so I had no money. What was I supposed to do? Where was I supposed to go?"

"So you didn't do anything!" Ann shouted at her, "You just let him do it!"

"You were so young. I thought you wouldn't remember what happened when you got older" her mother responded.

Ann was speechless and she froze in the moment. But when she reconnected with her body, she left her mother's home and drove back to her apartment (see my article: Understanding the Freeze Response Related to Trauma).

On the way home, Ann was in tears. She recalled, as a child, hearing her parents arguing when he was drunk. At the time, she thought of her mother as an angel and her father as a devil.

Now she realized that, as a child, she had idealized her mother. But, as an adult, she now realized that her mother didn't protect her or try to get help to make the abuse stop--even though she knew about the abuse.

After several months of trauma therapy, Ann became aware that of just how angry she was that  her mother didn't take responsibility to protect her from her father.

She told her therapist that, when she was 15, a few months prior to her father's death, she confronted her father about the abuse. Her father told her he couldn't remember what he did when he got drunk and said, "Let's just put this behind us."

Her therapist used a combination of EMDR Therapy and Parts Work Therapy (IFS) to help Ann work through the unresolved trauma including Ann's feelings of resentment and betrayal towards each of her parents.

She and her boyfriend, Mike, also attended sex therapy to work on their relationship. Initially, when they first met, their sex life was good, but as their relationship became more emotionally intimate and Ann felt more emotionally vulnerable, Ann would freeze whenever Mike touched her.

During her treatment, Ann's trauma therapist and her sex therapist collaborated for the benefit of Ann and Mike's therapy.

Eventually, Ann's mother began her own individual therapy to deal with her role as the passive parent.

After a year in her own therapy, Ann's mother told her that she was ashamed that she didn't try to protect Ann and she apologized. She realized she needed to take responsibility for not doing her part to stop the abuse. She had profound regret and shame and she wanted to work towards reconciling her relationship with Ann (see my article: Understanding the Barriers to Reconciliation in Families).

Her mother also revealed to Ann that she had also been sexually abused as a child by her father and, in hindsight, she realized that her own experience complicated her feelings about her husband abusing Ann. She said she didn't want to make excuses. She just wanted Ann to understand.

Ann had a lot of mixed feelings towards her mother, but she wanted to forgive her. She also had mixed feelings about father because there were times when he was sober when Ann was a child that he was mostly a kind and loving father. 

She continued to work in trauma therapy to reconcile her feelings towards each of her parents. Since her father died, Ann had no way to reconcile with him directly, but she realized that adult children continue to have an internal relationship with their parents even after they are gone.

In the meantime, Ann and Mike continued to work on their relationship in sex therapy so that Ann could separate her traumatic experiences with her father from her sexual experiences with Mike.

Conclusion

The first step in these situations is to look at your childhood history with adult eyes.

Get Help in Trauma Therapy

Each person has to decide whether they are willing to reconcile with their parents or not. 

Some people decide that what happened when they were a child was unforgivable and others try to reconcile with one or both parents. 

Others decide to maintain a superficial relationship as opposed to being completely estranged (see my article: Family Estrangements: Understanding the Barriers to Reconcilation).

There is no right or wrong decision. There is only the decision that is right for you as an individual.

Trauma therapy can help you to free yourself from your traumatic history so you can live a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.