Coping With Separation Guilt as an Adult in a Traditional Family

Family loyalty is important in most families and it usually works best when there is flexibility for individuals to be loyal family members at the same time that there room for individual autonomy and personal growth (see my article: Being the Different One in Your Family).

Separation Guilt in a Traditional Family

Family loyalty usually includes:

• Being faithful and supportive of family members
• Being committed and trustworthy regarding family members
• Being emotionally present to offer support and encouragement during good times and bad
• Providing mutual support through life's challenges and successes
• Maintaining a shared identity

In addition to the above, a modern interpretation of family loyalty also includes:

• Challenging blind loyalty
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Prioritizing love over obligation (shifting from loyalty based on obligation to loyalty based on love, respect and mutual understanding)
• Encouraging personal growth (supporting each other's individual growth rather than demanding conformity)

Coping With Separation Guilt as an Adult in a Highly Traditional Family

Separation guilt is a psychological burden which occurs when individuals defy family expectations (see my article: Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations).

Separation Guilt in a Traditional Family

Defying family expectations is usually perceived by the family as being disloyal.

Key aspects of separation guilt for adult children can include:

• Breaching family expectations
• Perceived disloyalty to the family
• Emotional manipulation by family members (either consciously or unconsciously)
• Conflict with internalized beliefs 
• Fear and anxiety about being an individual in a family that expects conformity
• Fear of being ostracized from the family

This often leads to internalized conflict for individuals who prioritize their emotional and psychological well-being over family expectations.

In highly traditional families where family loyalty is prioritized over individual needs, family expectations can be spoken or unspoken and these expectations often include:

• Family obligations over individual independence, autonomy and personal growth
• A high degree of interdependence among family members where personal boundaries are blurred
• Conformity to established beliefs, traditions and values without question or deviation

How to Cope With Separation Guilt in a Highly Traditional Family

Coping with separation guilt can be very challenging.

Every situation will be different, but here are some tips that can be helpful:

• Identify and Acknowledge Your Feelings: Rather than suppressing your feelings, allow yourself to identify and acknowledge your feelings without judging them. This can include guilt, sadness, anxiety and shame.

• Explore the Root Cause of Your Guilt: Understand that feeling guilty doesn't mean you're wrong.  Assess the specific situation and the family traditions or beliefs that are causing the conflict within yourself.

• Recognize the Difference Between Guilt and Shame: Guilt is about a specific action and shame is about a more pervasive feeling about who you are as a person (see my article: What is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?). Writing in a journal to clarify your thoughts and feelings can be helpful.

Separation Guilt in a Traditional Family

• Set Clear Boundaries: If you have decided to pursue a particular course of action that conflicts with your family's traditions and you know it is what is best for your own emotional and psychological well-being, recognize that this isn't a betrayal to your family--even though they might think it is. Clearly and respectfully communicate your needs to your family. Set clear boundaries with family members to protect your well-being (see my article: Setting Healthy Boundaries in an Enmeshed Family).

• Focus on Your Life: Focus on building a life that affirms your values and needs. Set new personal goals and spend time with people who are supportive.

• Find Emotional Support: Connect with supportive loved ones and/or join a support group for people in similar situations.

• Seek Professional Help: If you're having difficulty coping with separation guilt, consider working with a licensed mental health professional who can help you to navigate complex family dynamics.

Clinical Vignettes

The following examples of separation guilt are composites of many different cases:

• The Family Business: When Tom graduated college, he decided to pursue a career outside of the family business. Prior to making this decision, his highly traditional parents expected Tom to join the family business after graduation. When Tom told his parents about his decision, they were stunned. His father inherited the business from his father and grandfather. He was very disappointed because he expected Tom to take over one day and continue the family tradition. If Tom didn't join the family business, the business would have to be sold after the father retired. Although Tom felt anxious and sad about disappointing his parents, he knew he needed to follow his own path rather than conform to family expectations. Even though he felt separation guilt, Tom focused on his personal needs and goals with the support of friends and other family members. After a few rough years, Tom's parents conceded that he needed to follow his own dreams and they were able to reconcile.

• Religious Conversion: Ann was raised in a highly religious family. When she was a child, she adhered to her family's religious beliefs, but when she turned 21 and she was no longer living with her family, she questioned that religion. She also explored the possibility of other religions and discovered she liked Buddhism. When she spoke with her family about it, they were very upset. They couldn't believe she would abandon the family religion after all the sacrifices the family made to come to the United States for religious freedom. They were so upset that they refused to speak with her. Ann had never gone against her family and the estrangement caused her significant separation guilt. After she invited them to a few family therapy sessions, she was shocked that they forgave her. Although her family still wasn't happy that she wasn't practicing their religion, they agreed she was an adult, she could make her own decisions and they welcomed her back into the family.

• Racism: Jake was aware that his family was racist, but he hoped that once they met his girlfriend, Tania, they would grow to know and love her. He wasn't prepared for their anger and upset when they told him they didn't even want to meet her. Over time, they remained adamant and they refused to come to Jack and Tania's wedding. They told him that no one in their family had ever married anyone from a different race and they were appalled. On his wedding day, Jake had a heavy feeling in his heart because his family wasn't there, but he loved Tania and he wouldn't let his family stop him from marrying her. Two years later, his father had a massive heart attack. Although he survived, the heart attack took its toll. When Jake's sister called him, he and Tania went to the hospital to visit the father who was in a weakened state. When he saw Jake, he looked happy and he even extended his hand to Tania. He told Jake and Tania he was a foolish old man and it took a heart attack to make him realize he wanted them back in his life.

• Homophobia: Ben knew from the time he was a young boy that he was gay, but while he lived at home he kept his homosexuality a secret, which was painful for him. When he went away to college, he met the young man who became his life partner, Nick. For the year, Ben kept his relationship a secret from the family. During the holidays, Ben and Nick went home to each of their families, but the secret they were keeping was taking a toll on them. Two years into their relationship, Ben and Nick decided that it was more painful to keep their relationship a secret than it was to come out to each of their families. Nick knew his family would be accepting so when he came out to them and introduced them to Ben, they were warm and welcoming. Ben's family was a different story. They were very traditional and very conservative. He came out to his older brother first because he knew it would be easier. Although his brother was surprised, he told Ben he would always love him. But when Ben told his parents, they were very upset. His father told him to leave the family home and never come back. Although this was hurtful for Ben, he knew he was being true to himself and to Nick. Several years went by before Ben's brother was able to act as a go-between to try to bring about a reconciliation. By then, his parents had missed Ben a lot and their stance had softened somewhat. To help them understand his homosexuality, Ben gave them information about PFLAG, an organization for families of gay adult children and they began attending meetings. With the support of PFLAG, they decided they didn't want to be estranged from their son, so they invited Ben and Nick to a family dinner. Ben's father struggled to understand Ben's homosexuality and to accept his gay relationship, but he realized he loved his son and he didn't want to shun him anymore (see my article: Famly Estrangements Due to Homophobia, Biphobia and Transphobia).

Conclusion

Separation guilt often occurs when a family member defies family traditions and the family considers this to be disloyal.

The individual who experiences separation guilt might know logically that they are making the right personal decision for their own growth and happiness, but they can still feel guilty and ashamed for going against a family tradition.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're experiencing separation guilt, you could use the support of a licensed mental health professional to help you to get through a difficult time.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the tools and strategies to get through this difficult time.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in psychotherapy so you can live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

The Potential Advantages and Disadvantages of a Second Chance Relationship

In my prior article, How to Decide Whether to Give a Former Relationship a Second Chance, I discussed what you need to consider if you're thinking about getting back into a former relationship. If you haven't read it, take a look at that article (using the link above) before you read this article.

Assuming you have made the decision to get back with an ex, the current article discusses the potential pros and cons to a second chance relationship.

What is a Second Chance Relationship?

A second chance relationship is when a couple who broke up get back together again after a period of separation.

Second Chance Relationships

Under these circumstances, the two former partners decide to forgive each other and make an attempt to grow from the prior situation by trying to work on the problems they had when they were together before.  

What Are the Potential Advantages and Disadvantages of a Second Chance Relationship?

No two situations are alike, but here are some of the potential advantages and disadvantages of second chance relationships:

Potential Advantages

• Familiarity and Comfort: You're already comfortable because you know each other and you don't have to go through the "getting to know you" phase that you would with someone new.

Second Chance Relationships

• Existing Connection: You have a shared history and a foundation for the relationship which can create a strong bond.

• Mutual Growth: Both you and your ex had a chance while you were apart to grow, reflect on what went wrong the first time and become better versions of yourselves during your time apart.  

Potential Disadvantages

• Lingering Resentment and Pain: It can be difficult to let go of old resentments which can sabotage the relationship.

• Repeating Negative Patterns: Old habits and ways of being can be difficult to overcome. You and your ex might find yourselves repeating old negative patterns that caused the breakup the first time around.

Second Chance Relationships

• Difficulty Rebuilding Trust: If trust issues were the cause of the breakup the first time, these issues can be difficult to overcome. It would take work on to show rebuild trust.

• Lack of a Full Commitment: The familiarity and comfort can make it challenging to put in the effort to make a full commitment (see my article: Are You and Your Partner on the Same Page About Your Relationship?).

• Lack of Growth Opportunities: By giving a former partner a second chance, you might be forgoing the opportunity to meet someone new and start a new relationship where you can grow.

What Can You and Your Partner Do to Try to Succeed in a Second Chance Relationship?

To try to succeed in a second chance relationship, both of you must be willing to make a commitment to:

• Identify and Address Past Problems: Take the time to sit with your partner and address why things didn't work out the first time. You and you partner need to address the root causes of the breakup and take responsibility for each of your roles in those issues. Avoid focusing on blame and focus on finding solutions.

• Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations: Discuss needs and expectations as well as dealbreakers. Work together to set these boundaries and expectations early in the reconnection phase to prevent misunderstandings and so both people can feel secure (see my article: Setting Boundaries in a Relationship).

• Commit to Personal Growth: Both of you must be willing to work on the behaviors that caused the breakup the first time. Focusing on personal growth is critical for the relationship to succeed.  

Second Chance Relationships

• Prioritize Open Communication: Prioritize open and honest communication. Take the time to check in with each other periodically to see how each you're doing. Discuss feelings, concerns, expectations. Each of you needs to feel heard and valued. Use "I" statements to express your needs and feelings without blame (see my article: Improving Communication in Your Relationship).

• Rebuild Trust Gradually: If trust was broken in the past, it will take time and patience to rebuild trust. Focus on making and keeping small commitments and to showing a  commitment to change and reliability.

• Go Slow and Be Patient: Resist the urge to go back to where you were in your relationship in the past. Rebuilding connection takes time. Allow the time and space for the relationship to build gradually and naturally.

• Practice Forgiveness: Sincere amends and forgiveness are necessary to give a relationship a second chance. Holding onto old resentments will sabotage a new chance for the relationship (see my article: The Psychological Stages of Forgiveness).

• Focus on the Present and the Future: Assuming trust is being rebuilt and there have been genuine amends and forgiveness, focus on the present and the future without getting stuck in the past.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

• Seek Professional Help If Needed: A couples therapist can provide you with the tools and strategies to get through this complicated phase of the relationship. She can also help you to address unresolved issues and communication patterns.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers - Compassion vs Complacency

Many partners of trauma survivors struggle with their partner's trauma triggers. 

They tell me they don't know what to do to help their partner when their partner becomes triggered.

This article discusses how to avoid responding complacently and how to respond with compassion instead.

What is the Difference Between Compassion vs Complacency?

For someone dealing with their partner's trauma triggers, there is a big difference between compassion and complacency.

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

Compassion means offering patient, empathetic support to a partner while complacency involves a harmful indifference or dismissal of a partner's symptoms or efforts to recover from trauma.

A compassionate response helps to establish safety and connection while a complacent response can lead to resentment, emotional detachment and a breakdown of trust.

Let's look at the differences between compassion and complacency in more detail:

Complacency: A Damaging Response

Complacency occurs when a partner stops putting an effort to understand and support a partner's healing journey. This often occurs because the partner who isn't traumatized becomes fatigued or resentful. 

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This can take a heavy toll on the relationship because the partner with trauma feels unseen, unheard, unsafe and alone.

Signs of Complacency:

• Minimizing Your Partner's Feelings: Saying "It's not that big a deal" or "You're making a big deal out of nothing" invalidates a traumatized partner's experience

• Taking a Partner's Triggers Personally: Viewing a partner's trauma triggers as a personal attack, which leads to resentment and defensive behavior

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Ignoring Triggers: A partner who refuses to adjust their behavior or the environment to accommodate a partner's needs which violates the traumatized partner's safety

• Withdrawing Emotionally: Becoming emotionally distant or apathetic to a partner's emotional needs which leads to emotional disconnection and a breakdown in communication

• Taking a Partner For Granted: A lack of affection and appreciation, as if the traumatized partner's presence is guaranteed which can make feelings of abandonment and worthlessness worse

Compassion - A Supportive Response

A compassionate partner tries to understand the origins of their partner's trauma response instead of reacting defensively to triggered behavior.  

Dealing With a Partner's Trauma Triggers

This approach helps to regulate a traumatized partner's nervous system and offers a steadying presence.

Signs of Compassion:

• Active Listening and Emotional Validation: Listening without judgment, "That sounds difficult. I'm here for you."

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

• Educating Yourself: Take the initiation to learn about trauma's effects on the brain and behavior to gain insight and perspective 

• Creating a Safe Environment: Work together to identify triggers and create a plan for when triggers occur. This might include agreed-upon actions or a "safe word" to use during moments of high distress

• Respecting Boundaries: Honor a traumatized partner's needs for space or control, which is essential for trauma survivors who might have had their boundaries violated

• Patience: A recognition that healing from trauma isn't a linear process and there will be ups and downs along the way (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates how a partner shifts his behavior from a complacent to a compassionate stance:

Ed and Mary

Before they moved in together, Ed was aware that Mary had been sexually abused as a child, but her triggers became more evident once they were living together.

Ed had a favorite TV police program he liked to watch where the characters in the program were regularly sexually abused as part of the story. 

He couldn't understand why Mary got so triggered whenever he watched the program when she was around. He felt annoyed when Mary said she needed to stop watching the program because she felt like she was about to have a panic attack.

Ed would tell Mary, "Why are you getting so upset? It's only a TV show." 

He also felt Mary was trying to control him whenever she left the room when that program was on, "You need to get over these triggers. Your abuse happened a long time ago. Why are you being so dramatic?'

At her wit's end, Mary invited Ed to attend one of her trauma therapy sessions so her therapist could help Ed to understand and empathize with Mary's trauma reactions.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Afterwards, Ed felt ashamed and guilty for his behavior. He told Mary that she was more important to him than any TV program and he wouldn't watch the program when she was around.

He also sought to understand what happened to Mary by asking her questions, which helped to increase his compassion for her.

Over time, Ed noticed that Mary was healing and he validated the hard work she was doing in trauma therapy.

Gradually, Ed's compassion and emotional support for Mary helped to bring them closer together.

Conclusion

A complacent response to a partner's trauma is damaging for the traumatized partner and the relationship.

Dealing With Your Partner's Trauma Triggers

Being compassionate and understanding can support your partner's healing journey.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal from trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

Coping with political differences in your relationship can be challenging, especially within the context of our polarized country, but there are steps you can take to keep differences from ruining your relationship.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

What Characteristics Do You Both Need to Navigate These Differences?

To navigate these differences, you both need:

• Strong communication skills
  
• Empathy for each other
• Clear boundaries
  
• Mutual respect
• An ability to handle differences constructively, which can strengthen your connection to each other

How Can You and Your Partner Understand Each Other's Political Differences?

Since political views are often tied to personal experiences, upbringing, core values and not just political policies, it's important to understand the roots of each other's beliefs, so it's important to:

• Share Your Background: Discuss how your life experiences have shaped your views. This can help each of you understand why your partner has taken a particular political stance and help your partner to understand your stance.

• Focus on the Values You and Your Partner Share: Even if you have political differences, you probably share fundamental values regarding family, fairness and a desire for the future. If you focus on these commonalities, it can bring you closer.

How Can You Set Clear Boundaries?

Setting clear rules about your discussion can prevent these discussions from damaging your relationship:

• Schedule Your Time: Set a clear amount of time for these discussions rather than allowing them to be open-ended or erupt during stressful times.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

• Know How to Take a Break: Agree to pause if the conversation is becoming disrespectful. You can both return to it later. Some couples find it helpful to designate certain topics as off limits to preserve harmony in their relationship.

• Limit News Consumption: If broadcast news is a source of stress in your relationship, discuss with your partner how you can both limit the time you consume news (see my article: How to Cope With News Anxiety).

How Can You Develop Curious and Respectful Communication?

Instead of having a heated debate, focus on making your talk an opportunity to learn and connect:

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Approach your conversation with a genuine curiosity by asking questions like "What are you thinking about this issue?" and "I would like to understand how you came to this conclusion. Can you tell me more?" (see my article: Start With Curiosity and Not Confrontation).

• Practice Active Listening: Rather than waiting your turn to argue with your partner, listen and attune to what your partner is saying so you can listen to your partner's perspective. Reflect back what you heard so you can show you're engaged in what your partner is saying and you're trying to understand.

• Avoid Personal Attacks: Avoid insulting your partner or questioning their character or intelligence. If you discuss your differences with respect, you can both keep the conversation from escalating into a big argument.

How Can You Prioritize Your Relationship?

Remember your bond to each other is more important than any political issue:

• Agree to Disagree: Accept that you probably won't change each other's minds so respect each other's rights to have different views and choose to let certain issues go.

How to Deal With Political Differences in Your Relationship

• Make a Decision About What Matters More: What has a higher priority: Your political views or your relationship? Couples who choose to prioritize their relationship tend to navigate these differences more effectively.

• Engage in Shared Activities: By focusing on shared hobbies and your goals and dreams, you can reinforce the connection that brought you together in the first place.

What Can You Do If Political Differences Are a Persistent Cause of Stress?

• Consider attending couples therapy as a neutral place where you can learn to navigate your differences in a healthy way.

• Couples therapy can help you to develop effective ways of communicating so you can resolve conflict and strengthen your relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples and I have helped many clients to navigate their differences so they can have a more meaningful relatonship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

I've written about emotional validation in relationships before (see my article: What is Emotional Validation and Why Is It Such a Powerful Skill in a Relationship?).

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

In the current article I'm focusing on invalidating and dismissive behavior.

What is Dismissive Behavior?

Dismissive or invalidating behavior includes:

• Devaluing someone's concerns
• Minimizing someone's thoughts and feelings
• Eye rolling 
• Sarcasm
• Interrupting the other person and changing the subject
• Stonewalling (the "silent treatment")
  
• Completely ignoring someone's concerns

I will be using the terms dismissive and invalidating behavior, which are the same, interchangeably throughout this article.

Dismissive behavior can occur in relationships, friendships, social situations, work settings and any other setting where there are two or more people.

What Causes Dismissive Behavior?

Dismissive behavior is usually rooted in various underlying experiences.

It's important to understand the cause of dismissive behavior in order to have empathy for the  person who is being dismissive and find ways to address this behavior.  

Here are some of the most common causes:

• Lack of Awareness: Some individuals might lack self awareness about their dismissive behavior and the impact on others (see my article: What is Self Reflective Awareness?).

• Insecurity or Defensiveness: Individuals who feel insecure or defensive might engage in dismissive behavior in order to protect themselves emotionally.

• Childhood Experiences: Individuals who grew up in an environment where their thoughts and emotions were invalidated, learned to dismiss other's experiences.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Cultural or Societal Norms: People who grew up in a culture or a society where emotional expression was discouraged learn to dismiss others' emotional expressions.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Power Dynamics: Dismissive behavior often occurs in workplace dynamics, especially where the person who is being dismissive is in a higher position.

Vignettes

The following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, illustrates dismissive behavior in various settings:

• Family Dynamics: After considering how to approach her older sister, Jean, for months, Tina invited Jean, over for coffee to talk about Jean's dismissive behavior. Once they were settled in Tina's kitchen, Tina told Jean she felt hurt by Jean's dismissive behavior. Specifically, Tina felt hurt when she tried to talk to Jean a few weeks before about how she was affected by Jean hitting her and making fun of her when they were children. Initially, Jean dismissed this like she had before, "That was so long ago. You need to get over it." Even though this was hurtful for Tina to hear, she persisted and told her how Jean's behavior affected her during their childhood and even into early adulthood. She also talked about how this behavior affected her feelings for Jean. At that point, Jean realized this was important. She listened carefully to Tina and expressed her sincere apology. She also told her she didn't want to lose her and asked her how she could make it up to her. Tina felt relieved that Jean was taking her seriously. They both agreed to keep talking and to find ways to strengthen their bond. Over time, Jean realized she was also emotionally dismissed by their father. She thought about how this affected her and promised Tina she would stop being dismissive.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Relationships: A few months into their relationship, Renee confronted her boyfriend, Tom, about his dismissive behavior. Initially, Tom shrugged it off and told Renee, "You're being too sensitive." But when Renee told him she didn't want to be in a relationship with a man who dismissed her feelings, Tom took her seriously. He told Renee he loved her and he didn't want this to come between them. He realized he also heard a similar complaint from his best friend, so he decided to get help in therapy to become more self aware and learn how to stop engaging in this behavior.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Friendships: Lena and Ginny were best friends since childhood. Lena always felt inferior to Ginny because she thought Ginny was more attractive and she knew how to navigate social situations with ease. After Lena began therapy, she realized there was another reason why she felt inferior to Ginny: Ginny tended to dismiss Lena's feelings. When she realized this, Lena summoned her courage to talk to Ginny about it.  Ginny was shocked. She told Lena she didn't realize she was being dismissive and she never would intentionally hurt Lena's feelings. She told Lena she would be more aware of her behavior so she wouldn't ruin their friendship.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Power Dynamics at Work: Whenever John made suggestions in the staff meetings, his boss, Ed, would either dismissive John's ideas as being unworkable or he would ignore them altogether. He frequently responded to John by rolling his eyes or making sarcastic remarks which was hurtful and humiliating for John. But when John discovered that Ed talked to the company vice president, Nick, about one of John's ideas and Ed tried to pass it off as his own, John felt angry. In response, John spoke to his human resources representative, Liz, to ask her how he should handle the situation. She called a meeting with John, Ed, Nick and another manager, Gail, who had been at the staff meeting who heard John make the suggestion that Ed was now taking credit for with Nick. As soon as the topic was brought up in that meeting, Ed realized Gail knew it wasn't his idea. Initially, he tried to pretend he forgot it was John's idea. When he realized no one believed him, he apologized to John. After that, Ed stopped dismissing John's ideas and he treated him in a respectful way.

Here are some proactive strategies if you feel your feelings are being dismissed in a personal relationship:

• Develop Self Awareness: Consider your own behavior and whether you're also contributing to the problem by engaging in dismissive behavior.

• Practice Empathy: The other person's dismissive behavior might be unintentional. In other words, they might not realize they're being dismissive. Try to understand the underlying causes and approach the person with empathy rather than outward displays of anger or defensiveness.

Understanding Dismissive Behavior

• Set Boundaries: Communicate your expectations in a clear way. Let the other person know how their dismissive behavior affects you. Instead of being accusatory, use "I" statements to keep the focus on the effect this behavior has on you and why it's important to resolve this problem (see my article: How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt).

• Seek Support in Therapy: If you're unable to resolve the problem, seek help in therapy to gain insight and learn effective strategies to deal with your situation.

Getting Help in Therapy

As mentioned earlier, addressing dismissive behavior can be challenging.

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the necessary tools and strategies for addressing someone's dismissive behavior. 

A trauma therapist can help you to overcome the traumatic impact of longstanding dismissive behavior.

Rather than struggling alone, seek help so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding Transactional Relationships

In an earlier article, I discussed transactional relationships (see my article: What Are Transactional Relationships?).

Understanding Transactional Relationships

Vignettes About Transactional Behavior

In the following vignettes, which are composites of many different cases, the underlying motivation is transactional:

Ron: A Transactional Coworker: 

Ron, who is a senior salesperson at his company, tends to perform seemingly kind and helpful favors for new female employees. Initially, the new female employees see Ron as a "nice guy" who goes out of his way to help them. 

A Transactional Coworker

However, within a relatively short period of time, these women realize Ron only appears to be kind and helpful. His real motivation is to try to ingratiate himself with these women with the motivation to eventually have sex with them. His usual pattern was to be "helpful" and, once these women trusted him, his real motivation surfaced when he would try to seduce them over drinks. Eventually, after several women complained to the human resources department, Ron was terminated.

Ann: A Transactional Friend: 

Ann felt little need for close friendships. She viewed most potential friends in terms of how she could benefit monetarily from the relationships. When she met Alice, who owned a consulting firm, Ann saw an opportunity to make money. She hoped that by becoming Ann's friend, she could promote her accounting business. Initially, Ann was seemingly kind to Alice. 

After Ann got to know Alice, she ingratiated herself by inviting Alice to dinner and buying her small gifts. Initially, Alice thought Ann was genuinely nice, but when Ann asked Alice to use her accounting firm and Alice told her she already had an accounting company she used in her business, Ann dropped the friendship and Alice never heard from her again. When Alice realized that Ann's friendship was conditional, she felt hurt and resentful.

Ed: A Transactional Date: 

During the first few weeks of dating Lena, Ed took her out to expensive restaurants and bought what appeared to be thoughtful gifts. When he drove Lena home from their third date, Ed told her that he thought it was time they spent the night together. In response, Lena told him she wasn't ready to be intimate with him and she wanted to get to know him better. 

A Transactional Date

At that point, Ed lost his temper and blurted out that he calculated he had spent more than $700 on her and he felt he deserved to have sex with her. Initially, Lena was in shock because she had never seen this angry transactional side to Ed's personality and she recoiled from him. Trying to recover his composure and "nice guy" image, Ed realized he had badly miscalculated the situation with Lena and he made excuses for his inappropriate behavior by saying he was under a lot of stress and he misspoke. But, by then, Lena realized Ed's "niceness" was calculated behavior and she wanted nothing to do with him.

What is Transactional Behavior?

Transactional behavior usually has the following characteristics:

• It's a Means to an End: So-called kind behavior is a tactic to achieve a goal. The goal can be anything. It can involve other transactional behavior such as making a sale or hoping to gain some other benefit. 

• It's Conditional Behavior: What appears to be kindness or agreeable behavior is conditional based on an anticipated return--even though it might not appear to be conditional at first. If the other person doesn't respond as the "nice guy" expects, he is often onto the next person who might give him what he wants. This often creates resentment. 

• There is Unexpressed Scorekeeping: While a person who engages in genuine altruistic behavior doesn't keep score, a person who engages in transactional behavior usually keeps score about what they have given and what they hope to receive. 

• There is a Shifting Focus: A person who is performatively "nice" is more focused on what they are getting than what they are giving. They often hope to get a lot more than they give.

Healthy vs Unhealthy Transactionalism

    Healthy Transactionalism:

In a professional setting where boundaries and expectations are clear, it's possible for there to be healthy transactionalism. For instance, in most professional settings employees understand they need to be polite and respectful to their boss who provides them raises. There is no manipulation or sneakiness in this setting.

    Unhealthy Transactionalism:

When conditional behavior becomes part of personal relationship, this can be indicative of unhealthy transactionalism. The partner who is being transactional has little emotional investment. Their motivation is self-serving. This can make the other partner feel used and perceive that their partner has little genuine interest in them other than what they can get.

How to Distinguish Genuine Reciprocity From Transactionalism

Genuine reciprocity is a part of all healthy relationships. 

In a healthy relationship there is a give-and-take, but in an unhealthy transactional relationship there are conditional exchanges with one or both people keeping score.

Healthy relationships involve:

• Genuine connection
  

• Open communication
  

A Healthy Relationship

• Mutual generosity

• Genuine trust

• Clear boundaries
  

• An investment of time and energy into the relationship with no other agenda

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Some people are raised to view relationships in a transactional way, but many of them can learn to change.

If you and your partner would like to change the transactional nature of your relationship, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help each of you to develop the necessary traits and skills to have a healthy relationship.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in couples therapy so you can have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or call me.