Relationships: Why Searching For the "Perfect" Partner Will Disappoint You

Over the years I've had many clients focused on trying to find the "perfect" partner who end up feeling disappointed and discouraged (see my article: Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn).

The "Perfect" Partner Doesn't Exist

I've also worked with clients already in fulfilling relationships who believe they might be able to find someone else who might be even "better" in the long run. 

Their attitude is, "Sure I'm in a fulfilling relationship, but I wonder if I might be able to find someone who I would be even happier with."

Why Does Searching For the "Perfect"Partner Leave You Feeling Disappointed?

There is no such thing as the "perfect" partner and if you think in those terms, you could become chronically dissatisfied with any relationship (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Instead of focusing on perfection, which doesn't exist, focus on knowing yourself, the qualities you want in a partner and the deal breakers you can't live with instead of superficialities:

• Know Yourself: Start with self awareness and reflection: What are your values? What would be fulfilling to you? What are your needs and wants? (see my article: What is Self Reflective Capacity and Why Is It Important to You?).

Know Yourself

• Be Open and Honest With Yourself: Be aware of your standards and be open, honest and flexible without compromising what is truly important to you.

• Prioritize Character Over Personality: Looking beyond superficialities, character is more important than personality in the long run. Consider the ethical principles and values that guide a potential partner's behavior. Is it consistent with your principles and values? (see my article: The Problem With Falling In Love With Charisma Instead of Character).

Choose Character Over Personality

• Take Your Time to Get to Know a Potential Partner: One of the biggest mistakes people make when they are considering someone as a potential partner is that they rush into a relationship too quickly. They don't take the time and then, after they have defined themselves as exclusive, they discover either they're not compatible or the person they chose isn't who they thought they were. Some people do this over and over until they feel discouraged about relationships in general (see my article: How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly).

Take Your Time

• Embrace Imperfections: This includes a potential partner's imperfections as well as your own (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

Embrace Imperfections

• Consider the Long Term: Will you and your potential partner be compatible in the long term? Will you encourage each other's personal growth? (see my articles: Why Looking for a Soulmate Will Disappoint You and Developing a Growth Mindset).

Get Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to work through unresolved problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the skills and tools you need.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

In our fast paced world, people often feel that if they don't experience an immediate spark on a first date, there's nothing there. But the spark isn't necessarily a good indicator if you want a lasting relationship.

 

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

In this article, I'm focusing on the difference between the spark and the slow burn when you're dating (see my prior articles about dating at the end of this article).

What is the Difference Between a Slow Burn vs a Spark?

When you're dating to develop a lasting connection that leads to a committed relationship, you need to understand the difference between a spark and a slow burn.

Dating: The Spark vs the Slow Burn

    The Spark

The spark is basically the rush of emotions you feel when you meet someone and you feel an attraction. This is often referred to as "instant chemistry." Some people describe it as feeling "butterflies."

The spark of physical attraction (or chemistry) includes the following hormones:

• Dopamine
• Norepinephrine
• Oxytocin
• Testosterone
• Estrogen
• Adrenaline

Although the spark is usually what's celebrated in movies, TV programs and social media, it's not necessarily a reliable indicator that you have met your one-and-only person. 

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark

For one thing, there are many people who are naturally charismatic. They know how to turn on the charm to give off the spark. 

So, you might be fooled into thinking you have a strong emotional connection with someone when it's not really anything long lasting (see my article: Falling in Love With Charisma Instead of Character).

Once the initial spark fades, as it's liable to do after a while, you might find there's very little substance to your relationship (see my article: What Are the 3 Stages of the Honeymoon Phase (also called Limerence)?).

In addition, most people tend to project their wants and desires onto a person they're attracted to before they even know them.  

While it's easy to understand how this can happen, especially if you have had prior dating disappointments, it's important to be aware of these projections so you don't set yourself up for another disappointment when you actually get to know the person you're dating.

This doesn't mean that chemistry (or the spark) isn't important.  It is. But the type of chemistry that leads to a lasting relationship takes time to develop. It doesn't happen immediately.

Chemistry that leads to a lasting connection includes physical attraction, but there's so much more:

• Strong communication

• Mutual respect

• Trust 

• Emotional intimacy (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional and Sexual Intimacy)

• A deep understanding of each other

• Shared values

    The Slow Burn

So, if the spark can be misleading, what's a better predictor of a real connection?

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

The answer is: The slow burn.

Relationship experts talk about the slow burn as a type of simmering rather than a spark.

When a dating relationship is allowed to simmer, you give yourself time to get to know the other person. 

During the initial dating phase, it's hard to assess if what you're feeling is real or not and if you're seeing the other person clearly.  You need to see them in many different situations to get to know their character.

Here are just a few things to look for:

• Do you feel heard and understood by this person?

• Do you feel relaxed and curious around this person?

• Do their values and goals align with yours?

• Do they treat other people well, including your friends?

• Are they respectful to others, like the waitstaff at a restaurant?

• How do they talk about exes?

How Slow is the Slow Burn?

It's unfortunate that many people make their decision about whether to continue dating someone based on whether they feel a spark on the first date.  

They don't take the time to get to know someone, which often leads to many first dates and nothing of substance.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

There can be so many factors as to why you or your date might not come across well on a first date, including nerves, which doesn't give you or them an accurate picture.

Of course, if you discover immediate dealbreakers, that's another story. 

But many people don't take the time to think about what their dealbreakers so they end up with a long list of things that aren't necessarily dealbreakers or they have no list at all.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Slow Burn

Generally, you can get a sense of how well you connect with someone you're dating in 5-6 dates (more or less). By then, you generally know if you have the beginning of a connection with someone.

This doesn't mean you know whether this dating relationship will lead to a committed relationship, but it's a start.

It will take a lot more time to see whether you can form a lasting relationship over time.

Take Time After a Date to Self Reflect

Rather than rejecting someone because you didn't feel instant chemistry or, at the other extreme, thinking you found your "true love" because you felt instant chemistry, take time after a date to reflect on how you felt during the date:

• Are you curious about them?

• Did they seem curious about you?

• Did you feel heard when you spoke to your date?

Dating For a Lasting Relationship: Take Time to Self Reflect

• Did your date dominate the conversation?

• Did you feel you had to carry the conversation?

• Did you feel energized when you were with this person?

• Did you laugh together, if that's important to you? (see my article: The Power of Humor and Laughter)

How to Move On When There's No Slow Burn Over Time

While it's important to allow time for things to simmer, after a while, you might realize that it's not going to happen.

Moving On When There's No Slow Burn

If nothing is simmering, you can decide if you want to continue to give this dating relationship a chance or if you want to move on.

Being honest, kind and tactful is important, which means that ghosting is not the solution. 

Talk to the person you've been dating and let them know that you're not feeling a connection with them.  Give them a chance to respond. Listen to what they have to say and then make your decision.

Conclusion

Most people rely heavily on whether they feel a spark, but the spark is not a reliable indicator for many of the reasons given above.

Dating For a Lasting Relationship

While chemistry and physical attraction are important, these qualities alone aren't good predictors of a lasting relationship.

Take your time to get to know someone before you rule them out as a possibility for a lasting  relationship.

And just a note: Not everyone is looking for a monogamous relationship. Some people date to hookup. Others want a consensual nonmonogamous relationship or solo polyamory.

That's fine. Just be aware of what you want and whether the other person(s) are looking for the same thing.

Also, see my prior articles:

• Dating: What Should You Talk About On Your First Date?

• Dating: Is a Situationship Right For You?

• How Does "Old School Dating" Compare to How People Date Today?

• Dating vs Being in a Relationship

• Dating in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples) Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to deal with relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance For You and Your Loved Ones

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

When there's discomfort due to inconsistencies in what you believe and how you behave, you tend to do whatever you can to minimize your discomfort.

You might attempt to relieve your discomfort by avoiding, rejecting, minimizing or explaining away any information that highlights the fact that your behavior and your beliefs aren't in alignment (see my article: Understanding Internal and External Defense Mechanisms - Part 1 and Part 2.

What Are the Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance?

• You feel uncomfortable before you make a decision or take action which goes against your values and beliefs.

• You try to rationalize a decision or an action you have taken (this includes rationalizing to yourself as well as others).

Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance

• You feel embarrassed or ashamed of a decision you have made or an action you have taken so you try not to think about it and you also try to hide it from others.

• You feel regret, guilt or shame about something you have done in the past.

• You do things that are against your values and beliefs due of social pressure and because you don't want to feel left out.

What Are Examples of Cognitive Dissonance?

The following are examples of cognitive dissonance, which you might recognize in yourself:

• You know that smoking cigarettes (or vaping) is harmful to your health, but you rationalize continuing to smoke (or vape) by telling yourself that you're experiencing a lot of stress and you'll give up tobacco tomorrow.

• Your doctor told you that you need to stop drinking because you have liver damage, but you find ways to justify continuing to drink by telling yourself you'll give up drinking as part of your New Year's resolutions. But you don't stop by the deadline you've given yourself.  Despite the fact you haven't stopped, you tell yourself (and others) you can stop at any time.

Cognitive Dissonance Related to Your Health and Well-Being

• You want to lose weight, but you consistently overeat and tell yourself you'll start the diet next week. 

• You value your personal integrity, but you're having an extramarital affair and you're lying to your spouse about what you're doing when you're with your affair partner (see my article: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair).

• You made a commitment to your spouse to tackle a task at home, but while your spouse is out, you spend the day on your computer. When your spouse gets home, you say you'll get started on the project tomorrow, but you keep finding ways to put off doing it. You also get annoyed when your spouse wants you to be accountable.

• You make a commitment to yourself that you'll save a certain amount of money by a specified date, but you spend any extra cash you get before you save it.

What Kinds of Situations Can Lead to Cognitive Dissonance?

• External Pressure and Expectations: You might feel forced to comply with external expectations from your work, school or in a social situation that go against your beliefs, values or attitudes. Here are examples:

• Your boss says you must lie to a client you value and put your relationship with the client in jeopardy in order to increase your sales (see my article: Coping With a Difficult Boss).

Cognitive Dissonance and External Pressure

• You're with friends who are engaging in racial slurs and, even though you feel uncomfortable because racism is against your values, you don't say anything because you fear being ostracized from the group, but you also feel ashamed of yourself.

• You're in a monogamous relationship and being faithful to your partner is an important value to you. But you're at a bar with your buddies, they pressure you to pick up a woman at the bar and take her home. Initially, you refuse and they respond by calling you "whipped" and a "wuss." So, you go along with taking a woman home and cheating on your partner because you can't handle your friends' pressure and derogatory comments. Afterwards, you feel ashamed, but you justify your decision by telling yourself that you're not married so you can sleep with other women--even though you promised your partner to be faithful (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?)

• Decisions: You're in conflict about two options when you're trying to make a decision. You can only choose one option, which makes you feel uncomfortable.  After you make a choice, you realize you made the wrong decision. You try to make yourself feel better about the conflict by justifying why you made a particular choice.

• New Information: You receive new information about a decision you made that reveals you didn't take into account all the information relevant to your decision. To ward off feelings of discomfort, you either discredit the information or find other ways to justify your behavior--even though you know the choice you made was harmful to you and others.

What is the Impact of Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance makes you feel uncomfortable, and the greater discrepancy between your behavior and your attitudes, beliefs and values, the more uncomfortable you're likely to feel.

Your discomfort can include the following:

• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Shame
• Embarrassment
• Sadness
• Regret
• Anger towards yourself
• Disappointment in yourself
• Stress

Over time, cognitive dissonance can erode your sense of self and impair your self esteem.

You might try maladaptive ways to reduce your discomfort by:

• Engaging in denial by convincing yourself you didn't behave in a way that was against your values or beliefs

• Maintaining toxic secrets and hiding your behavior from your partner, your family and other significant people in your life

• Seeking only information that conforms to your behavior, which is called confirmation bias, and which has a negative impact on your ability to think critically.

Coping With Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

So far, I've provided maladaptive examples of how you might be trying to deal with cognitive dissonance.

Here are more adaptive ways of coping:

• Slow Down and Develop Greater Self Awareness: Instead of finding ways to deny your internal conflicts, become aware of these conflicts and the negative impact they have on you and your loved ones. You can try doing this through a mindfulness meditation, journaling or seeking emotional support from a trusted friend who can be compassionate and objective.

Coping with Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

• Clarify Your Beliefs, Attitudes and Values: Take time to think carefully and make a list about what's important to you in terms of your beliefs, attitudes and values.

• Practice Self Compassion: Instead of beating yourself up, practice self compassion, which is essential for emotional healing.

• Make a Plan For Real Change: After you have clarified what's most important to you, make a plan for real change. For example, if you want to stop smoking (or vaping), make a plan to get help that will be effective and one that you can maintain.

• Engage in Self Care: Reflect on what you need to do to take care of yourself without making excuses and then stick with your plan.

• Get Help in Therapy: Coming to terms with the conflicts between your behavior and your values can be difficult, especially if you're in the habit of making excuses, deceiving yourself and others or finding loopholes for your behavior.  A skilled therapist can help you to:

• Discover the underlying issues that have created this problem

Get Help in Therapy

• Develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills to overcome these issues

• Develop a plan to make changes

• Help you to stick with your plan and avoid the pitfalls and obstacles from the past

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Stop Getting Into Power Struggles About Your Spouse's Porn Viewing

Many women complain that their husband's porn viewing makes them feel angry, anxious and insecure.  

They say that discovering their husband's porn use makes them feel self conscious about their own bodies, especially when they see images of beautiful naked women in the porn their husband is watching.

Stop Getting Into Power Struggles About Porn

Some women also say they think mainstream porn is "disgusting" because it's degrading and exploitive of women and against their own moral values.

Now that the Internet provides access to pornography 24/7, more couples are getting into arguments about porn viewing. These arguments often devolve the point where some wives call their husbands "sex addicts" or "porn addicts" with ultimatums to go to therapy "or else."  

Most of the time arguments about porn viewing go nowhere because couples get locked in power struggles with nowhere to go. These power struggles leave wives feeling dejected and hurt and they leave husbands feeling defensive, guilty and ashamed. 

So, there's no real discussion about what would be most productive--the underlying issues involved, which could bring a couple together so they can understand each other.

(Note: I've written this article from a heteronormative perspective because this is what I usually see in my sex therapy and couples therapy private practice in New York City; however, these concepts can apply to any two people in a relationship regardless of gender or sexual orientation.)

Occasional Porn Viewing vs. Compulsive Porn Viewing

Although it can be upsetting to discover that your husband has been secretly watching porn or, even worse, that he has made promises to you that he'll stop watching porn but then you discover he's still doing it, porn doesn't have to be a threat to your relationship, especially if it's not interfering with your sex life or your husband's daily activities of living.

Stop Getting Into Power Struggles About Porn

So, I'm not referring to men who watch porn compulsively where it's interfering with his daily activities. That's a different matter. I'm referring to the average man who watches porn occasionally on his own in the privacy of your home.

Here are some things you might not know:

• Just because your partner watches porn doesn't make him (or her) a "porn addict" or "sex addict." Unfortunately, these terms are thrown around too easily and they're hurtful and destructive. Not only are these terms of out of date and misleading, but they're not relevant if your spouse isn't watching porn compulsively to the point where it's interfering with your sex life or daily activities. So, rather than using these derogatory terms, try to get curious about why your spouse watches porn so you can listen to him with an open mind. (If you're curious about sexual compulsivity so you can understand the difference, see my article: Sexual Health: Treating Sexual Compulsivity in Sex Therapy: Sexual Addiction or Out of Control Sexual Behavior [OCSB?]).

• Although you might feel insecure about your body when you realize your husband is watching porn, you might not know that it's unlikely your husband is comparing your body to the women's bodies he's seeing in porn. Also, ask yourself if you were already feeling insecure about your body because this is a common experience for many women even without porn (see my articles: Is a Negative Body Image Ruining Your Sex Life? and How Mindfulness and Self Compassion Can Help With Body Acceptance).

• Porn is fantasy. It's not real. Your husband knows that. He knows he's watching actors acting out a script. He might be drawn to the female character in the video, but he's not falling for the actual person because he doesn't know her. He only sees the character she's portraying in the fantasy--not the woman who has her own problems in her relationship and her own personal stressors.  Furthermore, your husband probably knows that mainstream porn doesn't depict real life situations where one or both spouses might be tired or unwell. He probably doesn't expect sex between the two of you to resemble what he's seeing in porn because he knows it's make believe.

• Under most circumstances, average porn viewing doesn't take away from your sex life. Under the right circumstances, ethical porn, also known as feminist porn or fair trade porn, can enhance your sex life, if you're open to it (see my article: Understanding Your Sex Script).

• Many men (and many women too) often use porn for quick stress relief. It can be a quick way of getting sexually aroused and masturbating to overcome stress or to help with sleep. 

• Most men experience masturbation with porn as being a very different experience from making love to their partner. Masturbating to porn is usually a quick release whereas making love to a spouse or partner involves an emotional and sexual connection.  These are two very different experiences.

• There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. Everyone is entitled to privacy regardless of their relationship status (see my article: Privacy vs Secrecy in a Relationship).

How to Stop Arguing About Your Spouse's Porn Viewing

As long as you're arguing with your spouse based on a right-or-wrong perspective and giving him ultimatums, you're unlikely to resolve this issue.  In fact, arguing in this way usually makes the conflict worse.

Typically, when men are threatened with ultimatums about porn, they might try to stop watching just to appease their partner, but they often feel misunderstood and resentful.

Also, as mentioned above, some men try to appease their partners by telling them they'll stop, but they're not being honest. They're just trying to do a better job of hiding it. 

Obviously, lying only makes the issue worse because it fuels the other partner's doubt and mistrust and this leads to bigger problems. So, when I'm working with a couple who is  struggling with this problem, I strongly urge the husband not to lie about it.

Instead of arguing with your husband on moral grounds, speak to him about how you feel about yourself when you know he's watching porn.  This will involve owning your feelings and opening up to your spouse to allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable. 

Understandably, this might not be easy when you feel hurt and angry.  But speaking from an "I" perspective about your feelings about yourself is more likely to evoke your husband's empathy and understanding so he can listen and respond without being defensive. He can also express his own emotional vulnerability so you can empathize and understand his point of view.

In addition, when you speak about your feelings about yourself as it relates to his porn viewing, it provides an opening for the two of you to discuss the underlying issues involved instead of getting into a power struggle about porn.  This can provide a better chance of making progress than getting into a power struggle.

Compare the following statements

Compare Statements 1 and 2 to Responses 1 and 2:

Statement 1:

"Porn is disgusting! I can't believe you would rather look at those women in the video than look at me."

Response to Statement 1:

"Well, that's your opinion! Stop telling me what to do!"

Versus:

Statement 2:

"I feel insecure about my body when I know you're seeing those beautiful women in the video. When I feel insecure, I feel like you would rather look at them than me."

Response to Statement 2:

"I didn't know you felt that way. I love you and I love your body. I don't want you to feel insecure. Let's try to work this out."

Statement 1, which is hostile and judgmental, is usually a non-starter if you want to have a calm and productive discussion with your spouse. Rather than responding with empathy, your spouse is more likely to respond by matching your hostility and getting defensive.

Statement 2, which is emotionally vulnerable because it reveals an insecurity, provides an opening for your husband to empathize with your feelings so he'll be more likely to address the issue in an open way.

Statement 2 also allows for the possibility that the two of you could talk more openly about your sex life to try to improve your sex script if it has become repetitive and boring (see my article: How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex).

If you object to mainstream porn because you think it's immoral or degrading to women, you might want to consider ethical porn which is usually made by feminist women with women's pleasure in mind. If you enjoy it, you and your partner could watch it together, which you both might enjoy.

If you object to all pornography--both mainstream and ethical porn--then you and your spouse can talk about reaching a compromise about it--just as you would about any other issue that you both disagree about--without power struggles and volatility.

If you can't stop the arguments and power struggles, consider seeking help in sex therapy.  

A skilled sex therapist, who works with individual adults and couples, can help you to develop the necessary skills to talk about this and get to the underlying issues involved so these issues can get worked through.

Note: Most couples therapists aren't sex therapists so they don't have the training and skills to work with this issue.

Get Help in Sex Therapy

If you and your spouse get stuck in power struggles about porn, you can seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist.

Get Help in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?).

There is no nudity, physical exams or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a skilled sex therapist so you and your partner can have a more fulfilling life together.

Book: You might also find it helpful to read His Porn, Her Pain: Confronting America's PornPanic with Honest Talk About Sex by Marty Klein, Ph.D., Sex Therapist.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Sexual Health?

According to Doug Braun-Harvey, LMFT, co-author with Michael A. Vigorito, LMFT of Treating Out of Control Sexual Behavior: Rethinking Sex Addiction and co-founder of The Harvey Institute, sexual health is comprised of six principles which include safety as well as pleasure.  

These six principles will be the focus of this article.

Sexual Health includes Safety and Pleasure

The concept that sexual health includes both safety and pleasure is different from what is taught in most sex education programs in the United States.

Unfortunately, most education programs limit sex ed to protection against sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy.  

But sexual health is so much more than that--it includes sexual pleasure.

The Six Principles of Sexual Health

The Harvey Institute identifies six principles of sexual health:

• Consent: Sexual health must be consensual.  Consent means that sex is voluntary between willing partners who are of age and able to give enthusiastic consent to sex.  Non-consent involving children often occurs in the home with relatives or family friends in the form of sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape.  With regard to consenting adults, it's important to establish consent at each step of sexual activity so that there can be safety and pleasure for everyone involved (see my article: What is Sexual Consent?).

• Non-Exploitative: Sexual exploitation is when someone uses their power and control over someone else to have sex.  Exploitation includes unwanted harsh behavior to dominate and take sexual advantage of someone who is unable to give consent, including children and people who have physical or cognitive disabilities.  Exploitation often involves alcohol or drugs to coerce people to have sex.

• Honest: Sexual health requires honesty between sexual partners. Communication is open and direct with all sexual partners.  Honesty involves being open about sexual pleasure, health, sexual experiences and sexual education. 

• Shared Values: Sexual values identifies a person's ethics and sexual standards which can differ based on a person's culture.  For instance, a person's values can differ with regard to the first sexual experience based on their particular culture.  When people get involved sexually, each person can have different values regarding particular sex acts or sexual turn-ons.  Sexual health involves people having open and honest communication about their sexual values.  It's also important for children and teenagers to get accurate answers to their questions about sex without adults communicating shame or discomfort.

• Protected Against Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), HIV and Unwanted Pregnancy: Anyone engaging in sexual activity needs to be protected from STIs, HIV and unwanted pregnancy.  Protection includes the use of condoms, birth control, adherence to HIV medication, taking PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis). Sex education about these issues needs to be medically accurate (fewer than 20 states in the United States requires sex education to be medically accurate).  

• Pleasure: Whether sex involves solo activity or partnered sex, sexual pleasure is a primary motivator to have sex.  Throughout the lifespan sexual health is a matter of balancing safety/responsibility with pleasure.  Sexual pleasure includes remaining curious about different ways of enjoying sex.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy.

I am a sex positive therapist who works with individual adults and people in relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.