Relationships: Why Searching For the "Perfect" Partner Will Disappoint You

Over the years I've had many clients focused on trying to find the "perfect" partner who end up feeling disappointed and discouraged (see my article: Dating For a Lasting Relationship: The Spark vs the Slow Burn).

The "Perfect" Partner Doesn't Exist

I've also worked with clients already in fulfilling relationships who believe they might be able to find someone else who might be even "better" in the long run. 

Their attitude is, "Sure I'm in a fulfilling relationship, but I wonder if I might be able to find someone who I would be even happier with."

Why Does Searching For the "Perfect"Partner Leave You Feeling Disappointed?

There is no such thing as the "perfect" partner and if you think in those terms, you could become chronically dissatisfied with any relationship (see my article: Relationships: The Ideal vs the Real).

Instead of focusing on perfection, which doesn't exist, focus on knowing yourself, the qualities you want in a partner and the deal breakers you can't live with instead of superficialities:

• Know Yourself: Start with self awareness and reflection: What are your values? What would be fulfilling to you? What are your needs and wants? (see my article: What is Self Reflective Capacity and Why Is It Important to You?).

Know Yourself

• Be Open and Honest With Yourself: Be aware of your standards and be open, honest and flexible without compromising what is truly important to you.

• Prioritize Character Over Personality: Looking beyond superficialities, character is more important than personality in the long run. Consider the ethical principles and values that guide a potential partner's behavior. Is it consistent with your principles and values? (see my article: The Problem With Falling In Love With Charisma Instead of Character).

Choose Character Over Personality

• Take Your Time to Get to Know a Potential Partner: One of the biggest mistakes people make when they are considering someone as a potential partner is that they rush into a relationship too quickly. They don't take the time and then, after they have defined themselves as exclusive, they discover either they're not compatible or the person they chose isn't who they thought they were. Some people do this over and over until they feel discouraged about relationships in general (see my article: How to Stop Rushing Into a Relationship Too Quickly).

Take Your Time

• Embrace Imperfections: This includes a potential partner's imperfections as well as your own (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

Embrace Imperfections

• Consider the Long Term: Will you and your potential partner be compatible in the long term? Will you encourage each other's personal growth? (see my articles: Why Looking for a Soulmate Will Disappoint You and Developing a Growth Mindset).

Get Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to work through unresolved problems on your own, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to develop the skills and tools you need.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Developing Calmness and Balance During Stressful Times

One of the biggest challenges for many people is developing mental and emotional calmness and balance during stressful times.  This is why it's so important to learn to understand and develop equanimity (see my article: Living a Balanced Life).

Developing Equanimity During Stressful Times

What is Equanimity?

Equanimity is defined as the capacity for calmness, composure and even-temperedness--even in highly stressful times (see my article: Living With Uncertainty).

The metaphor of a sailboat which remains upright in turbulent waters is often used to describe equanimity. The sails might sway in the storm, but they remain centered.

Staying Centered During Stressful Times

Equanimity doesn't mean passivity, indifference or resignation. It means finding your inner balance.

Equanimity also doesn't mean that once you have found your internal centered place that you won't take appropriate action to improve a stressful situation.

For instance, if you angry and disappointed about a particular social justice issue, you can participate in social justice activism for the equal rights and opportunities of all people and, at the same time, maintain a sense of equanimity (more about this below).

How to Practice Equanimity During Stressful Times

• Start With Self Awareness: When things go wrong or times are stressful, it's easy to get stuck in the Blame Game and point a finger at others. And, while it might be true that others have contributed to your stressful situation, you need to first be aware of how you're feeling and responding to the situation. There's a difference between responding and reacting (see my article: Awareness and Self Acceptance).

• Acceptance to Begin Wherever You Are: You can begin wherever you are mentally, physically and emotionally by accepting where you are right now in the moment. The concept of acceptance can be confusing, especially when you're in a highly stressful situation. Acceptance doesn't mean giving up, being indifferent or numbing yourself. Acceptance means that you acknowledge the situation and how you're feeling in the here-and-now. You're not stuck in the past or projecting too far into the future. Before you can get to a state of acceptance, you need to feel all your feelings internally. Then, if you need to express your feelings, do it in a calm and even way. If you can't do that in the moment, wait until you can. Then, you can be in the here-and-now whatever that means for you (see my articles: Welcoming All Emotions and Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Develop Ways to Calm and Center Yourself: Find ways to calm and center yourself that work for you. This could include grounding techniques, breathing exercises and mindfulness meditation.

Developing Ways to Calm and Center Yourself

• Take Constructive Action to Feel Empowered: If you're anxious or feeling powerless, find ways to take constructive action so you feel empowered. Being proactive might mean different things in different situations. It might mean you take constructive action to deal with your anxiety by walking or exercising at a level that's appropriate for you. It might also mean seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. If you're upset about a social justice issue, you might volunteer with a large advocacy group to feel you're making a difference and to be around other like-minded individuals (xee my article: Living Authentically).

• Recognize You're Not "Perfect": Although these steps are presented in a linear way, the reality is that you might go through these steps in many different ways because progress isn't linear. Progress is often more like a spiral than a straight line. So, you might become more self aware, accept how things are in the moment, calm yourself and take constructive action--only to find yourself temporarily stuck in your own inertia. If this is your experience, accept it and begin again--no matter how many times you have to remind yourself of these steps. Repeating these steps where you are in any given moment helps you over time to progress--even if you take two steps forward and one step back each time. Be kind to yourself (see my articles: Overcoming Perfectionism and Perfectionism and Shame).

• Get Emotional Support: Supportive friends and loved ones can help you so you don't feel alone. Even if you feel that talking about your situation might not make a difference, talking often makes a difference in relieving stress. 

• Get Help in Therapy: If the situation is beyond the support of loved ones or you want additional support, consider getting help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you through the process while you develop the necessary tools and strategies you need. This can be especially important if your current situation is triggering unresolved trauma from the past.

Also see my articles:

Finding the Quiet Place Within Yourself

Reconnecting With Your Inner World Without Distractions

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

For over 20 years, I have helped many clients to overcome painful and stressful situations so they can lead more fulfilling lives (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips on How to Stop Overthinking

What is Overthinking?

Overthinking, which is also called rumination, is when you dwell on the same thought, feeling or situation over and over again. 

When overthinking is habitual, it can be disruptive to your life.

How to Stop Overthinking

Overthinking usually falls into two categories: Ruminating about the past or worrying about the future (see my article: Tips to Cope With Chronic Worrying).

Engaging in habitual overthinking is unproductive and can make you feel stuck. 

How to Stop Overthinking

For instance, if you're trying to make a decision and you continuously ruminate about it, you might find it increasingly difficult to make the decision and miss an important deadline (see my article: Fear of Making Decisions: No Decision Becomes a Decision in Time).

When Does Overthinking Become Unhealthy?

Overthinking can become unhealthy when it:

• Prevents you from taking action

• Interferes with your daily life

• Creates stress in your life

• Has a negative impact on your sense of well-being

What Are the Signs of Overthinking?

• Having the same recurring thoughts, worries or fears over and over

• Getting stuck in imagining worst case scenarios

• Replaying a negative event from the past in your mind over and over again

• Repeatedly worrying about a future event

• Getting stuck in negative thoughts so that you have difficulty concentrating on anything else

• Continuously rethinking decisions you have already made

• Being unable to move on to the next step in a decision-making process because you're stuck ruminating about steps you have already taken

How Are Cognitive Distortions Connected to Overthinking?

People who engage in cognitive distortions tend to engage in overthinking (see my article: How Psychotherapy Can Help You Overcome Cognitive Distortions).

How to Stop Overthinking

Cognitive distortions include but are not limited to:

• All or Nothing Thinking: Things are either black or white

• Catastrophizing: Focusing on the worst possible outcome in a situation

• Overgeneralizing: Making an assumption that things will always be a certain way based on few examples

• Jumping to Conclusions: Assuming. you know how things will turn out based on little to no evidence

• Mind Reading: Believing you know what someone else is thinking without any evidence

Why Do People Engage in Overthinking?

Some people are more prone to be overthinkers than others.

Perfectionists and overachievers are often overthinkers. This is often due to their need to be perfect and their fear of failure (see my articles: Overcoming Perfectionism and The Connection Between Perfectionism and Shame).

Is Overthinking Connected to Other Mental Health Issues?

Overthinking isn't a mental health disorder, but it's often connected to:

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) 

• Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

How is Overthinking Connected to Stress?

High levels of stress can lead to overthinking among people who have a tendency to overthink situations.

How to Stop Overthinking

Overthinking, in turn, can create a high level of stress, especially when people feel stuck in a pattern of rumination and worry.

Basic Tips That Can Help You to Stop Overthinking

In my next article, I'll focus on a particular tool called a pattern interruptor (see my article: How to Use Pattern Interruptors to Stop Overthinking).

For now, here are some basic tips for overcoming overthinking that might work for you:

• Practice Mindfulness: Become aware of your particular way of overthinking and just observe it in a nonjudgmental and self compassionate way.

How to Stop Overthinking

• Keep a Journal: Journaling helps you to become aware of the particular issues you ruminate about so you can begin to see your specific pattern of overthinking.

• Challenge Your Thoughts (see my article: Your Thoughts Aren't Facts)

• Get Perspective From Close Friends: People who know you well are probably aware of your tendency to overthink things. You can get feedback from them in terms of what patterns they have noticed in you.

Seek Help From a Psychotherapist

• Seek Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: A skilled psychotherapist can help you to stop overthinking. Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping people who tend to engage in overthinking.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with Perfectionism in Your Relationship

Perfectionism can take its toll on a relationship because it often leads to criticism, conflict and lack of emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

Coping with Perfectionism in Your Relationship

Just like most other tendencies, perfectionism is on a continuum with some people being more perfectionistic than others.  

People who are perfectionists can be harder on themselves than they are on other people. 

Coping with Perfectionism in Your Relationship

Nevertheless, it can be challenging to be in relationship with someone who is a perfectionist, so it's helpful to know

• The typical signs of perfectionism
• The cause of perfectionism
• How to cope in a compassionate way if your partner is a perfectionist
• When to get help in therapy

I'll be addressing these issues in this article along with a clinical vignette as an illustration.

What Are the Signs of Perfectionism?

Some of the following signs can indicate a tendency towards perfectionism:

• Feelings of inadequacy

• A fear of making mistakes

• Being overly critical of oneself

• Obsessiveness around details

• Defensiveness around your own mistakes because making a mistake can be scary for you

• A fear of criticism or disapproval from others

• Equating self worth with accomplishments

• Shame

• Low self esteem

• A need to control

• All or nothing thinking

• Overthinking decisions or situations

• Lack of flexibility

• Procrastination due to fear of your efforts not being perfect

• Difficulty celebrating your successes
  

What Causes Perfectionism?

There are degrees of perfectionism with some people having worse problems than others.

Perfectionism is often caused by early childhood experiences with parents who had unrealistic expectations.  

Perfectionism and Childhood Trauma

Children who grow up in this environment usually try to avoid their parents' harsh criticism and judgment by trying to be perfect. But since there's no such thing as being perfect, they feel they are falling short of their parents' standards. This results in shame for them.

This creates a cycle where there is an internal push to strive to meet their parents' unrealistic expectations, but they feel they fall short again and again, which is traumatic for a child.

Having internalized their parents' disapproval for not being perfect, these individuals often grow up fearing the judgment and disapproval of others and seek to avoid those experiences by imposing unrealistic standards on themselves.  

In many cases parents who impose perfectionism on their children had parents who did the same to them.

What Are the Different Types of Perfectionists?

There are different types of perfectionists, which are described below.  People can be one of these types or a combination of types.

    Self Oriented Perfectionism

There are some perfectionists who only impose their unrealistic standards on themselves and they are more compassionate towards others.  

Self Oriented Perfectionism

Since they have internalized their parents' unrealistic standards and judgment, they have a hard time feeling the same compassion for themselves--even when it's pointed out to them.  Logically, they understand that they deserve the same compassion as they would give to someone else but, on an emotional level, they don't feel it.

    Other Oriented Perfectionism

People with other oriented perfectionism tend to impose unrealistic standards on others.  Sometimes this is with little or no awareness. In other cases people are aware but it's difficult for them to stop.

Other Oriented Perfectionism

    Socially Prescribed Perfectionism

People with this tendency feel perfectionism is being imposed on them by others.  In many cases, this is a projection of their own tendency towards perfectionism. In other cases, it's a realistic assessment of what's actually happening.

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how perfectionism can impact a relationship and how therapy can help:

Tom and Anna

After five years of marriage, Tom and Anna, who were both in their early 40s, sought help in couples therapy to deal with the impact of perfectionism in their relationship.

Anna felt she was at her wit's end with Tom's perfectionism. She felt constantly criticized by Tom for almost everything she did, including how she stacked the dishwasher, folded the laundry, cleaned the apartment and in many other areas.

She was frustrated by Tom's procrastination when they were trying to make decisions.  She told their therapist they had been considering changing their insurance policy for a few years, but they were stalled in the process because Tom was obsessively comparing plans, weighing the pros and cons repeatedly but unable to make a decision (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Making Decisions).

Tom and Anna both agreed that his perfectionism had taken a toll on their emotional and sexual intimacy because Anna felt so much resentment towards Tom. Even though she still loved him, she didn't feel close to him.

Similar to many other people who struggle with perfectionism, Tom spoke about having parents who had unrealistic standards. His father was especially punitive when Tom made a mistake.  

This created a lot of anxiety for Tom which he tried to mitigate by getting exceptional grades, being good at sports and trying to be perfect in every way.  Inevitably, since no one can be perfect, he fell short and had to endure his father's criticism and emotional withdrawal.  

Reaching over and taking Anna's hand, Tom said he wanted to overcome his perfectionism because he didn't want to ruin their and he knew it was harmful for him as well.  So, he agreed to attend individual therapy to deal with his unresolved childhood trauma while he and Anna worked together in couples therapy to save their relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Adult Relationship).

Using EMDR therapy, Tom's individual therapist helped him to work through his childhood trauma of feeling unlovable and inadequate.  Although EMDR therapy tends to be faster than regular talk therapy, the work wasn't fast because these traumatic experiences were so longstanding and entrenched.

He also worked on his procrastination related to his perfectionism. For instance, instead of obsessively going over insurance plans, he sought help from an independent insurance navigator who helped Tom and Anna to pick a plan that was right for them. The navigator emphasized they could change the insurance by the next month if they weren't happy with it, so this made the decision-making less daunting for Tom.

Both Tom and Anna learned to do mindfulness meditation and a breathing exercise to cope with stress in their relationship.

Their couples therapist helped each of them to get curious about their dynamic rather than getting reactive with each other (see my article: 5 Tips For Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship).

In addition to helping Tom to be more self aware, the couples therapist helped Anna to set boundaries with Tom when he got too picky about things (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

For instance, instead of getting annoyed with his criticism about how she folded the laundry, she told him she would do it her way or he could do it (or redo it) himself.  This was challenging for Tom but, over time, he developed a tolerance for things being less than his standard of perfection.  He also stopped criticizing Anna.

Since Tom had a hard time acknowledging his successes, their couples therapist also encouraged Anna to acknowledge and celebrate Tom's successes and for Tom to learn to take that in.

For example, when he won the Salesperson of the Year Award at his company, he wanted to brush it off, but Anna took him out for a dinner to celebrate.  At first, it was hard for Tom to take in Anna's praise but, over time, he learned to get comfortable with it and feel proud of himself.

As they worked on these issues, over time, Tom and Anna gradually revived their emotional and sexual intimacy.  

There were bumps in the road, but even though progress in individual and couples therapy wasn't linear, they made progress and their relationship improved (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Coping With Perfectionism in Your Relationship

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this problem because each couple is unique, but here are some steps you might find useful:

• Acknowledge the problem and make an agreement to work on it together as a team.

• Be aware that this problem is probably rooted in early experiences that need to get worked through in therapy.

• Develop greater self awareness and a self reflective capacity.

• Tone down emotional reactivity and be responsive instead of reactive (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).

• Learn better communication skills.

• Develop compassion for yourself and your partner.

• Develop stress management skills, like mindfulness and breathing exercises, to cope with the stress.

• Think in terms of progress instead of perfection.

Get Help in Therapy

Perfectionism is challenging to change on your own, especially since it's usually rooted in childhood trauma.

Depending upon the problem, you might need to work individually with a trauma therapist as well as a couples therapist.

So, rather than struggling on your own seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

When people fall in love, they often fall in love with their idealization of their lover rather than the reality. At the beginning of the relationship before they know each others' habits, doubts and fears, each partner tends to see the best in the other and fills in the missing pieces with fantasies of who they want their partner to be.  But after they have been living together or married for a while, the ideal tends to fall away as reality sets in.  There is, inevitably, some disillusionment, but how each partner navigates his or her disappointment often predicts if the relationship will survive and thrive or end.

Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

Some people, who become disillusioned, leave the relationship and continue to look for their ideal mate.  Little do they realize that they will probably go through the same experience again with the next person.  For these people, searching for their "soul mate" can become a lifelong quest that is never fulfilled.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real
The following fictional vignette illustrates how the initial idealization can turn into disappointment and disillusionment and how psychotherapy can help to get to the underlying issues to resolve the problem:

Cassie
After living together for six months, Cassie realized that her boyfriend, Steve, wasn't the person she thought he was when they first met at an outdoor photography class a few months before.

When she first met Steve, Cassie was struck by his good looks, his kindness, humor and intelligence.  From the moment they started talking, she was immediately drawn to him.  She had just gotten out of a one year relationship with another man, who turned out to be a different person from who she thought he was during the first few months together.

After the photography class, over dinner later, they spoke for three hours and continued the conversation the next day for several more hours.  Since their first day together, they spent time together everyday until Steve eventually moved in with Cassie.

She expected there would be things that annoyed her about Steve and that annoyed him about her.  But she didn't expect him to be so different from the person she originally fell in love with.

When she first met him, Steve was living temporarily with a friend because he was new to New York City.  At the time, he was living out of boxes and suitcases, so when he moved into her apartment, Cassie made room for Steve's things in her closets and drawers.  She also made sure to buy things that she knew he would like to eat.  She wanted him to feel comfortable.

But after a few days, Cassie realized that, unlike her, Steve was sloppy.  He left his clothes and things all over the apartment--dirty socks on the floor, newspapers piled up in the living room, his toiletries taking up all the space on the bathroom counter they shared, and puddles of water on the floor after he took a shower.  And the worst thing for Cassie was that he didn't seem to mind living this way.

The first few times, she tried to be tactful when she spoke to him about his sloppiness, hoping that he would be neater.  She didn't want him to feel that her apartment wasn't his place too or that she wanted to boss him around.   But, even though he apologized and said he would try to be neater, he continued to be sloppy, which angered Cassie.

She also began noticing other things that bothered her: He tended to drink from the milk carton and leave it on the kitchen counter so it spoiled.  She also saw that if she left for work earlier than he did, Steve got up and left for work without making the bed or tiding up in the kitchen.  He also left his dishes and coffee cup in the sink.

Finally, Cassie suggested that they talk, and she mentioned the things that were bothering her.  Steve told her that he would try to be more considerate, but he also felt that Cassie was being picky about certain things.

Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

During their talk, Steve reminded her that the few times when he did make the bed, she wasn't happy about the way that he did it because she had a particular way that she preferred.  Cassie admitted that she tended to be somewhat of a perfectionist and she realized that she would have to let go of some of her perfectionism if the relationship was going to work.

Later that week, when Cassie spoke with her two close friends about Steve's sloppiness, both of her friends told her that their husbands were the same way. They said they used to argue about these things a lot in the beginning, but they gave up after a while.

With a long sigh, Cassie hesitated before she brought up what she was thinking.  Then, she told her friends that she felt disillusioned about Steve and their relationship.  She said he seemed so different when they first met.  She wondered if she had made a mistake in getting into a relationship with him. Her friends suggested that she talk to a psychotherapist first before she ended the relationship precipitously.

A few weeks later, Cassie felt so troubled about her relationship that she contacted a psychotherapist to be able to talk things out.  She didn't want to break up with Steve, but she wasn't sure she could stay in the relationship either.

As Cassie spoke with her psychotherapist about what was going on at home, she began to cry.  She said that, when she and Steve first met, they had sex all the time.  But, she said, shortly after they moved in together, they had sex once a week or less, and she didn't feel as attracted to him as she once did.  All she could think about was his sloppiness.  She also wondered if he felt less attracted to her because she criticized him for being sloppy.

When Cassie spoke with her psychotherapist about her family, she said that her mother also tended to be a perfectionist.  Her mother told Cassie that she had to "put her foot down" when she and Cassie's father got married because he tended to be sloppy.  After that, Cassie's mother controlled things in the relationship, and the father became much more passive.

Cassie told her psychotherapist that she didn't want to be controlling or have Steve become passive.  She said she just wanted the man she met when they first got together.  Then, she cried.

Her psychotherapist explained that almost every couple starts their relationship with an idealized image of each other.  Then, after they get to know each other, that idealization falls away and reality sets in and the couple has a chance to develop a more realistic relationship.

She asked Cassie questions about whether she and Steve had shared values and still enjoyed the same things together.  Cassie responded that their values were the same.  She also said that, lately, since things were strained between them, they weren't enjoying the same things together as much as they used to before.  She said she noticed that Steve was more apprehensive around her at home, and she realized that he probably expected her to be critical about the things he did or didn't do things at home.

As her psychotherapist normalized Cassie's experiences in her relationship, Cassie realized that she didn't know if she was ready to let go of the "idealized Steve" that she thought she was in a relationship with in order to accept the "real Steve."  She said that as she heard herself say these words, she felt immature.

Over the next few weeks, Cassie talked in therapy about being a perfectionist and how unhappy it made her--even before Steve was in her life.  She felt like "perfection is my norm."  They talked about how much shame there was underneath her perfectionism, and worked on helping her to overcome her shame (see my article:  The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

Over time, Steve became more self aware and he was more conscientious about being neat and considerate.  He even told her that he realized that he preferred it when the apartment was neat and tidy.  Cassie could see that he was really trying, but she still felt like she missed the "idealized Steve," even though she realized that he never existed--except in her head.

In her psychotherapy sessions, Cassie talked about all the prior relationships that had a similar pattern where she thought each boyfriend was "wonderful," only to find out later that each of them had flaws that she couldn't stand, which led to her ending those relationships.

But now, at age 30, she was trying to focus on what was more important, and she realized, on an intellectual level, that the fact that she loved Steve and he loved her--although not in the head-over-heels way that they did at first.  She also realized that he was a good person, which was more important than some of his habits than annoyed her.

Casie told her psychotherapist that she just wished she could feel this on an emotional level and not just on an intellectual.  She kept thinking about what her mother might say if she knew how sloppy Steve was.  She knew her mother would disapprove and she would expect Cassie to control him, like her mother controlled her father (see my article: Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

The more Cassie and her therapist talked about it, the more they both realized that Cassie was still seeing things from her mother's perspective and still trying to please her--rather than developing her own perspective.

Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

Over time, Cassie and her psychotherapist worked in therapy to help Cassie distinguish her own views from her mother's views.  As they did this, Cassie felt more like an adult.  Over time, she felt on an emotional level (and not just on an intellectual level) that she was satisfied in her relationship with Steve and, if anything, their love was growing in a more mature way.

Conclusion
It's normal to idealize the person that you're with when you're first in a relationship.  Over time, both of you get to know the "real" person you're in a relationship with and not the ideal.

Some people have problems accepting anything less than the ideal.  Often, this has to do with unconscious underlying issues, including still trying to live up to parents' expectations.

By letting go of your concept of the ideal and re-evaluating your relationship and what's most important to you, you have an opportunity to see your partner and your relationship in a more realistic light so that your love can mature and grow.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people, who have problems with the disillusionment that reality is different from the ideal, are helped in psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to discover the underlying issues that are getting in your way and help you to make decisions about your relationship and your life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help in therapy.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.  One of my specialties is helping client to overcome traumatic experiences and deal with unresolved issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

Looking happy on the outside, but feeling broken on the inside is a common experience for people who are depressed but who want to appear as if nothing is wrong (see my article: How to Stop Pretending to Feel Happy When You Don't).

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

In many cases, it's not just a matter of putting on a facade for other people--people who smile on the outside but actually feel depressed are also often attempting to convince themselves that there's nothing wrong.  They use the happy outer expression as a defense mechanism to hide their depression from themselves as well as from others.

In other cases, people, who might be out of touch with their feelings, are unaware that they feel depressed.  But, at times, they might notice that there's a disconnect between how they appear to others and what they feel inside.

When they do sense their depression, they often brush it off, so the disconnect between how they appear and how they feel deep down is maintained.

The old saying, "You can't judge a book by it's cover" applies to this problem.  The person who gives the impression of being the happiest might be the person who is really dying inside.

Let's take a look at a fictional clinical vignette that illustrates these issues:

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside:

Toni
Toni was considered a "dynamo" by her friends and colleagues.  She had a dynamic presence among colleagues and friends.  She headed up new projects at work with gusto, mentored new colleagues with enthusiasm, and she often entertained friends at home.

She was always smiling, laughing and cheerful, offering valuable advice and encouragement.  No one would ever know that she felt broken inside.

When she was alone, Toni felt restless and irritable.  She didn't like to have free time because the sadness that was welling up inside her threatened to overtake her emotionally, so she always found things to do to keep herself busy and distracted (see my article: Are You "Keeping Busy" to Avoid Painful Emotions?)

At 32, she was on track to get a promotion to a senior position at work, and she was taking on more and more responsibilities from her director.  As the work piled on and her personal schedule got busier, she was beginning to feel exhausted.

There were times at the end of the day that she just went home and collapsed in bed.  She felt physically and emotionally depleted, but she told no one, not even her close friends, that she felt burnt out (Managing Your Stress: What Are the Signs of Burnout?).

After several months at this pace, Toni found it harder and harder to keep up her facade of being happy all the time.

There were times when she couldn't contain her tears and she closed the door to her office to cry.  Then, she would wipe her eyes, open her door, and go back out trying to appear cheerful.

Looking Happy on the Outside, But Feeling Broken on the Inside

But the exhaustion soon took it's toll, and Toni began getting headaches.

When she saw her doctor and he ruled out any serious medical problems, he told her that he suspected that she was under too much stress and she would soon burn out if she didn't make changes to her lifestyle.

Her doctor recommended that Toni use stress management techniques, like meditation, to reduce her stress.

Toni tried to follow her doctor's recommendations.  She got meditation recordings, including mindfulness meditation, and tried to listen to these recordings at least once a day, as her doctor recommended.  He also told her to come back to see him in a month.

But whenever she listened to the meditation recordings, she would break down crying, and she didn't know why.  So, she stopped listening to the meditation recordings, and when she went back to her doctor and told him about her reaction, he recommended that she see a psychotherapist.

Toni had never been in therapy before, and she told her doctor, "I'm not a weak person.  Why should I go to therapy?"

So, her doctor, who was informed about psychotherapy, told her that it was a myth that going to therapy meant that you're a "weak person" and he also went over the other common myths about psychotherapy (see my articles:  Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak", Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy Takes a Long Time, and Common Myths About Psychotherapy: Therapy is "All Talk and No Action").

Toni thought about her doctor's advice.  She had friends who were in therapy and who told her that they were helped by therapy, so she decided to give it a try.

During her initial consultation with her psychotherapist, Toni told her about how she was crying and she didn't know why.  She told her therapist that everyone considered her to be a happy, cheerful, successful person, but sometimes she felt like a "phony" because when she was alone, if she wasn't keeping herself busy and distracted, she felt sad.

As Toni and her therapist talked about her childhood background in subsequent sessions, Toni told her that her parents always discouraged Toni from complaining.  Her mother would encourage her to smile, and her father would tell her, "Nobody likes a sad sack."

So, whenever anything bothered Toni, she would ignore it and try to overcome the problem as best as she could.  She never talked to her parents about her problems because she knew that they would lecture her about complaining (see my article: What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?).

She also described how, over time, she became a perfectionist.  She tried to do everything "perfectly" and "perfect" became her only option.  Her perfectionism was rewarded at school, in college and in her career (see my article: Perfect vs. "Good Enough").

As she continued to talk about her underlying sadness and her need to be "perfect," Toni became more attuned to her underlying feelings.  She realized that she really wasn't happy--she was depressed and she was trying to hide it from herself and others because she felt guilty about feeling depressed, "I have no reason to be depressed" (see my article: Overcoming Guilt and Shame About Feeling Depressed).

Her therapist spoke to Toni about how shame is often the underlying issue underneath perfectionism, and Toni was able to identify with her feelings of shame that she was really less than "perfect" (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism and The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

Her therapist also spoke to Toni about the "false self" vs the "true self" and how at an early age children can learn to put on a facade to appear to be happy when they're not (see my articles:  Understanding the False Self - Part 1, Understanding the False Self - Part 2, and Becoming Your True Self).

In addition, her therapist spoke to Toni about depression and helped Toni to differentiate between feeling sad and feeling depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Sadness and Depression?).

Toni began to realize that, once she started pretending to be happy as a child, she became disconnected from her real feelings, and this continued into adulthood.

It was only after she felt the emotional and physical strain of taking on too much and trying to appear happy when she wasn't feeling happy that she started to break down crying.  She realized now that the cumulative effect was too much for her.

Toni felt relieved to have a time and place in therapy to be able to discover how she really felt.  She also appreciated that her therapist was objective and nonjudgmental.

As she continued to work through the childhood emotional neglect and the pressure to appear happy, she began to feel more genuinely herself (see my article: Living Authentically - Aligned With Your Values).

Rather than trying to be cheerful all the time with her friends, when her depressive symptoms were most acute, she spoke to her close friends about it, which was a relief.

The authenticity that Toni felt helped her to deal with the underlying issues that she had been avoiding all along.

Feeling authentic, rather than pretending to be happy, gave Toni an overall sense of well-being as she worked through her depression in therapy.

Conclusion
It's physically and emotionally exhausting to pretend to feel happy when you don't.

The strain of trying to appear happy on the outside when you feel broken on the inside usually catches up with you at some point.  The stress involved can cause medical problems.  And if you're already depressed, it can exacerbate your depression.

Getting Help in Therapy
Being able to let go of the need to appear happy all the time is letting go of a huge burden (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and The Courage to Change).

Not only does letting go of this burden help you to reduce your stress, you can also learn to feel authentic without the disconnect between your outer appearance and your inner world.

If the issues in this article resonate with you, you owe it to yourself to get help from a licensed mental health professional (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients get to the root of their need to appear happy when they were feeling deeply unhappy inside.  Free of this need to appear happy, they could go on to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.