Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

When people fall in love, they often fall in love with their idealization of their lover rather than the reality. At the beginning of the relationship before they know each others' habits, doubts and fears, each partner tends to see the best in the other and fills in the missing pieces with fantasies of who they want their partner to be.  But after they have been living together or married for a while, the ideal tends to fall away as reality sets in.  There is, inevitably, some disillusionment, but how each partner navigates his or her disappointment often predicts if the relationship will survive and thrive or end.

Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

Some people, who become disillusioned, leave the relationship and continue to look for their ideal mate.  Little do they realize that they will probably go through the same experience again with the next person.  For these people, searching for their "soul mate" can become a lifelong quest that is never fulfilled.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real
The following fictional vignette illustrates how the initial idealization can turn into disappointment and disillusionment and how psychotherapy can help to get to the underlying issues to resolve the problem:

Cassie
After living together for six months, Cassie realized that her boyfriend, Steve, wasn't the person she thought he was when they first met at an outdoor photography class a few months before.

When she first met Steve, Cassie was struck by his good looks, his kindness, humor and intelligence.  From the moment they started talking, she was immediately drawn to him.  She had just gotten out of a one year relationship with another man, who turned out to be a different person from who she thought he was during the first few months together.

After the photography class, over dinner later, they spoke for three hours and continued the conversation the next day for several more hours.  Since their first day together, they spent time together everyday until Steve eventually moved in with Cassie.

She expected there would be things that annoyed her about Steve and that annoyed him about her.  But she didn't expect him to be so different from the person she originally fell in love with.

When she first met him, Steve was living temporarily with a friend because he was new to New York City.  At the time, he was living out of boxes and suitcases, so when he moved into her apartment, Cassie made room for Steve's things in her closets and drawers.  She also made sure to buy things that she knew he would like to eat.  She wanted him to feel comfortable.

But after a few days, Cassie realized that, unlike her, Steve was sloppy.  He left his clothes and things all over the apartment--dirty socks on the floor, newspapers piled up in the living room, his toiletries taking up all the space on the bathroom counter they shared, and puddles of water on the floor after he took a shower.  And the worst thing for Cassie was that he didn't seem to mind living this way.

The first few times, she tried to be tactful when she spoke to him about his sloppiness, hoping that he would be neater.  She didn't want him to feel that her apartment wasn't his place too or that she wanted to boss him around.   But, even though he apologized and said he would try to be neater, he continued to be sloppy, which angered Cassie.

She also began noticing other things that bothered her: He tended to drink from the milk carton and leave it on the kitchen counter so it spoiled.  She also saw that if she left for work earlier than he did, Steve got up and left for work without making the bed or tiding up in the kitchen.  He also left his dishes and coffee cup in the sink.

Finally, Cassie suggested that they talk, and she mentioned the things that were bothering her.  Steve told her that he would try to be more considerate, but he also felt that Cassie was being picky about certain things.

Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

During their talk, Steve reminded her that the few times when he did make the bed, she wasn't happy about the way that he did it because she had a particular way that she preferred.  Cassie admitted that she tended to be somewhat of a perfectionist and she realized that she would have to let go of some of her perfectionism if the relationship was going to work.

Later that week, when Cassie spoke with her two close friends about Steve's sloppiness, both of her friends told her that their husbands were the same way. They said they used to argue about these things a lot in the beginning, but they gave up after a while.

With a long sigh, Cassie hesitated before she brought up what she was thinking.  Then, she told her friends that she felt disillusioned about Steve and their relationship.  She said he seemed so different when they first met.  She wondered if she had made a mistake in getting into a relationship with him. Her friends suggested that she talk to a psychotherapist first before she ended the relationship precipitously.

A few weeks later, Cassie felt so troubled about her relationship that she contacted a psychotherapist to be able to talk things out.  She didn't want to break up with Steve, but she wasn't sure she could stay in the relationship either.

As Cassie spoke with her psychotherapist about what was going on at home, she began to cry.  She said that, when she and Steve first met, they had sex all the time.  But, she said, shortly after they moved in together, they had sex once a week or less, and she didn't feel as attracted to him as she once did.  All she could think about was his sloppiness.  She also wondered if he felt less attracted to her because she criticized him for being sloppy.

When Cassie spoke with her psychotherapist about her family, she said that her mother also tended to be a perfectionist.  Her mother told Cassie that she had to "put her foot down" when she and Cassie's father got married because he tended to be sloppy.  After that, Cassie's mother controlled things in the relationship, and the father became much more passive.

Cassie told her psychotherapist that she didn't want to be controlling or have Steve become passive.  She said she just wanted the man she met when they first got together.  Then, she cried.

Her psychotherapist explained that almost every couple starts their relationship with an idealized image of each other.  Then, after they get to know each other, that idealization falls away and reality sets in and the couple has a chance to develop a more realistic relationship.

She asked Cassie questions about whether she and Steve had shared values and still enjoyed the same things together.  Cassie responded that their values were the same.  She also said that, lately, since things were strained between them, they weren't enjoying the same things together as much as they used to before.  She said she noticed that Steve was more apprehensive around her at home, and she realized that he probably expected her to be critical about the things he did or didn't do things at home.

As her psychotherapist normalized Cassie's experiences in her relationship, Cassie realized that she didn't know if she was ready to let go of the "idealized Steve" that she thought she was in a relationship with in order to accept the "real Steve."  She said that as she heard herself say these words, she felt immature.

Over the next few weeks, Cassie talked in therapy about being a perfectionist and how unhappy it made her--even before Steve was in her life.  She felt like "perfection is my norm."  They talked about how much shame there was underneath her perfectionism, and worked on helping her to overcome her shame (see my article:  The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

Over time, Steve became more self aware and he was more conscientious about being neat and considerate.  He even told her that he realized that he preferred it when the apartment was neat and tidy.  Cassie could see that he was really trying, but she still felt like she missed the "idealized Steve," even though she realized that he never existed--except in her head.

In her psychotherapy sessions, Cassie talked about all the prior relationships that had a similar pattern where she thought each boyfriend was "wonderful," only to find out later that each of them had flaws that she couldn't stand, which led to her ending those relationships.

But now, at age 30, she was trying to focus on what was more important, and she realized, on an intellectual level, that the fact that she loved Steve and he loved her--although not in the head-over-heels way that they did at first.  She also realized that he was a good person, which was more important than some of his habits than annoyed her.

Casie told her psychotherapist that she just wished she could feel this on an emotional level and not just on an intellectual.  She kept thinking about what her mother might say if she knew how sloppy Steve was.  She knew her mother would disapprove and she would expect Cassie to control him, like her mother controlled her father (see my article: Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

The more Cassie and her therapist talked about it, the more they both realized that Cassie was still seeing things from her mother's perspective and still trying to please her--rather than developing her own perspective.

Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

Over time, Cassie and her psychotherapist worked in therapy to help Cassie distinguish her own views from her mother's views.  As they did this, Cassie felt more like an adult.  Over time, she felt on an emotional level (and not just on an intellectual level) that she was satisfied in her relationship with Steve and, if anything, their love was growing in a more mature way.

Conclusion
It's normal to idealize the person that you're with when you're first in a relationship.  Over time, both of you get to know the "real" person you're in a relationship with and not the ideal.

Some people have problems accepting anything less than the ideal.  Often, this has to do with unconscious underlying issues, including still trying to live up to parents' expectations.

By letting go of your concept of the ideal and re-evaluating your relationship and what's most important to you, you have an opportunity to see your partner and your relationship in a more realistic light so that your love can mature and grow.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people, who have problems with the disillusionment that reality is different from the ideal, are helped in psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to discover the underlying issues that are getting in your way and help you to make decisions about your relationship and your life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help in therapy.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.  One of my specialties is helping client to overcome traumatic experiences and deal with unresolved issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Getting Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

I've written previous articles about mother-daughter relationships, including: Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Lifetime, Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships and Mother-Daughter Relationships: Letting Go of Resentment.

Getting Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

There are times when mothers and adult daughters, who love each other and want to get along, find it too difficult to reconcile their relationship so they come to mother-daughter therapy in an effort to repair their relationship in sessions facilitated by an experienced psychotherapist.

If resentment has been building over time, it can be especially difficult for mothers and daughters to reconcile on their own.

Often, when they try to improve their relationship, they don't get anywhere because each person is entrenched in her own position.  This can lead to even more misunderstandings and hard feelings.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario, which is a composite of many different cases and which illustrates how therapy can be helpful:

Betty and Jane
When Jane was a young child, she and her mother, Betty, were close, especially since Jane was an only child and her father was often away on business.

Their problems started around the time when Jane turned 15.  As a teenager, Jane wanted more autonomy to go out with friends, but Betty preferred that Jane invite her friends over the house rather than going out.  This caused friction between them, and Jane began to rebel by staying out past her curfew.

By the time Jane was in college, she rarely came home to visit her parents.  Jane's father, Bob, accepted that Jane was older now and she wanted her freedom, but Betty felt hurt and angry that Jane only called once every few weeks and only came home on holidays.  This increased the friction between them.

Jane moved back home briefly after she graduated college, but she felt that her mother was trying to control her even though she was now 21 and had already experienced the freedom of being away.  Betty's attitude was, "You're in my house so you need to obey my rules."

There were frequent arguments between Jane and Betty, and as soon as Jane earned enough money to share an apartment with friends, she moved out.

Their relationship continued to be strained throughout Jane's 20s.  Bob tried to be a mediator between them, but nothing he did worked.

After Betty had a health scare, which turned out to be a false alarm, both Betty and Jane regretted the rift between them.  They both wanted to improve their relationship, but they didn't know how to do it.

At that point, Betty's close friend, Pat, told Betty that she and her daughter attended mother-daughter therapy after a rough patch in their relationship and it helped them to reconcile longstanding issues. So, Betty spoke with Jane, who was willing to give it a try, and Betty set up a consultation.

During their therapy sessions together, Betty and Jane learned to listen and empathize with each other.  Betty realized that she was too strict when Jane was growing up and that she could have allowed her more independence as a teenager.  Jane realized that she had been impatient with her mother and, now that she was older, she could appreciate why her mother was so concerned about what could happen if Jane was out with friends.

The therapist gave Jane and Betty exercises to do between sessions where they each took turns expressing their feelings without interruption and then the "listener" had to repeat what she heard.  This involved developing active listening skills where the "listener" focused on what the "speaker" was saying without getting caught up with what she wanted to say to respond.

The "speaker" focused on using "I messages" where she took responsibility for her own feelings and didn't blame the "listener."

Aside from coming to sessions regularly and doing the between session assignments, one of the most important factors was that Jane and Betty were really motivated and, underneath the tension and conflict, they really loved each other and wanted to have a good relationship.

Getting Help in Mother-Daughter Therapy

By the time they completed therapy, they were getting along much better.  Even though they still had occasional arguments, which is common between any two people who are close, they were able to reconcile these arguments quickly without the resentment that they had before.

Conclusion
It's not unusual for mothers and daughters to have problems in their relationship.

Even when mothers and daughters want to reconcile their relationship, it's often hard to do on their own without help.

A licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping mothers and daughters to overcome their problems, can facilitate this process.

Getting Help in Therapy
If some of the issues in this article resonate with you, you and your mother (or daughter) could benefit from getting help in mother-daughter therapy.

Rather than allowing resentment and bitterness to continue to grow, you can address your problems with a licensed mental health professional who can assist you to have a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individuals and couples.

I have helped mothers and daughters to work through their problems so that they could develop a healthy relationship.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Healing the Mother-Daughter Relationship Where There Was Role Reversal

In my prior article,  Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships, I began discussing some of the dynamics related to role reversal in mother-daughter relationships, including the dynamic in the daughter's early childhood and the possible outcomes of the mother-daughter relationship when the daughter is an adult.

Healing the Mother-Daughter Relationship Where There Was Role Reversal

In this article, I've given a fictional vignette, which is made of many different cases of role reversal between mothers and daughters, about how it is possible to heal problematic mother-daughter relationships in mother-daughter therapy (see my article:  Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Jane and Patty
Jane and Patty sought mother-daughter therapy because they were unable to reconcile their relationship on their own.

The daughter, Patty, had been in individual therapy with another therapist to deal with this issue, but she had a strong desire to be able to talk to her mother about their role reversal, especially during the time when Patty was a young child.

In the past, Patty said, whenever Patty attempted to talk to Jane, about it, Jane would dismiss Patty's concerns and change the subject.  Not only was this hurtful, Patty said, but it also left her feeling angry and frustrated.

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships Where There Was Role Reversal

Even though neither of them would describe their current adult relationship in very negative terms, Jane felt that she was harboring a lot of unexpressed resentment towards Jane for her role as a parentified child when she was younger, cooking, cleaning, taking care of her younger siblings, and being Jane's confidante, especially when Jane was drunk.

During Patty's early childhood and teen years, Jane was an active alcoholic.  She would drink until she passed out leaving Patty and the younger children to fend for themselves.  Since Patty's father had left the household before Patty was born, there were no other adults at home to help.

Patty recalled that when she was six years old, Jane would get drunk and unburden her problems on Patty.

Patty recounted how sad she felt that her mother was so unhappy and she was willing to do whatever her mother wanted because she hoped this would make Jane happy.  But it never did.  And Patty grew up feeling like she failed her mother, which made her try even harder to please her mother and to work even harder at home.

When Patty was a teen, she said, she often had to help her mother walk up the stairs to her bedroom because Jane was too drunk to walk up the stairs by herself.  Then, Patty would put her mother to bed and take care of her younger siblings.

Patty recalled that she often felt lonely and overwhelmed as a child because she had no one to talk to about it.  She also missed out on a lot of social activities because she stayed home to take care of her mother and the other children.

Patty said she was so glad when her mother got sober when Patty was 18.  She was glad for Jane and glad for herself and her siblings.

Jane's sobriety allowed Patty to go to college without feeling guilty that she was leaving Jane and the children.

While Patty spoke, Jane kept her eyes cast down and sat stiffly in the chair.  It was evident that it took a lot for her to sit and listen to how emotionally damaging it was for Patty to function as the mom at home.

After Patty spoke, Jane said she wasn't sure what to say.  She said that she had apologized to Patty many times, but Patty didn't accept her apology.  As she said this, she appeared somewhat emotionally disconnected from their conversation.

Patty responded by saying that even though Jane apologized, Jane also told her that all of this happened a long time ago and Patty should "let it go."  Patty felt that Jane didn't know what Patty went through and she didn't want to know.

The first several sessions were intense and emotional with both mother and daughter becoming upset and angry at various times.

The breakthrough came in their sixth session together when Patty said that she didn't see how they could ever be close if Jane continued to say she was sorry and, at the same time, she was dismissive of Patty's feelings by telling her to "just let it go."

"Mom, if I could 'just let it go,' don't you think I would have done that a long time ago?" Patty said to her mother, "I'm beginning to feel hopeless that you and I could ever have a close relationship."

At that point, hearing her daughter's sense of hopelessness, Jane broke down.  It was the turning point in their therapy.  She said that the thought that they could never heal their relationship was unbearable to her.

Then, she began talking about her own childhood.  She wanted Patty to understand why she wasn't a good mother when Patty was a child.  Until then, Jane was never willing to talk to Patty about her childhood before.

Jane revealed that her mother, whom Patty had never met, was not only emotionally neglectful, she was also physically abusive.  When her mother was drunk, Jane said, she would bring home strange men and, after her mother passed out, they would sexually abuse Jane.

Since her mother would black out when she drank, she never remembered what happened and she didn't believe Jane when she tried to tell her that these men were sexually abusing her.

Jane said that this was the first time that she had ever revealed this to anyone, and she felt deeply ashamed about the sexual abuse and how she neglected Patty when she was a child.

Healing the Mother-Daughter Relationship Where There Was Role Reversal

At that point, Patty took her mother's hand to soothe her, and they sat silently for a few minutes.

Over the next several sessions, Jane and Patty continued to talk about their relationship.  Something shifted between them.  They seemed genuinely close.

Patty said that, for the first time in her life, she felt that her mother understood and she was glad that she wasn't dismissing her feelings.  She also said that, knowing her mother's history, she felt a deep sense of compassion towards her and forgave.

Jane said she felt closer to Patty than she had in a long time, and she wanted to continue developing their relationship.  She also said that she decided to begin her own individual therapy to deal with her traumatic history.

Conclusion
Trying to reconcile the emotional aftermath of a role reversal in a mother-daughter relationship can be challenging for both people.

The fictional vignette above is one variation on many themes between a mother and daughter trying to bring about a reconciliation.

Healing between a mother and daughter is possible if both people are willing.

If they can't accomplish this on their own, mother-daughter therapy is often helpful to heal old wounds.

Getting Help in Therapy
As people become better educated about psychotherapy, more mothers and daughters are participating in mother-daughter therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're stuck in a mother-daughter dynamic that you want to change, you could benefit from mother-daughter therapy with a licensed mental health professional who can facilitate the emotional healing.

Life is short and by healing your mother-daughter relationship, it's possible for you to have a healthier, more loving relationship.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples, including mothers and adult daughters and fathers and adult sons.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, you can call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships

In the past, I wrote several articles about mother-daughter relationships, including:  Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships, Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships and Mother-Daughter Relationships Over the Course of a Lifetime).

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships

In this article, I'm focusing on role reversal between mothers and daughters, including the dynamics when the daughter is a young child as well as the effect on their relationship later on when the daughter is an adult.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Childhood
When there is a role reversal dynamic in a mother-daughter relationship, the young daughter usually takes on the role of the mother in terms of mothering the mother (and other family members) by becoming the helper, confidante, and caretaker of the mother.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Childhood

It's not unusual in this dynamic for the daughter to take on adult responsibilities at a young age such as cooking, cleaning, taking care of the other children in the household, listening to the mother's problems, and trying to solve the mother's problems.

In some highly dysfunctional families, it might also involve the daughter taking on the role of the sex partner to the father, sometimes with the mother's knowledge and sometimes without.

Why Does a Mother "Allow" Her Daughter to Take On the Mothering Role?
Mothers who are part of this dynamic often have their own unmet emotional childhood needs from when they were growing up, possibly in a similar dynamic with their own mother.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Childhood

Growing up with unmet emotional needs makes it more likely that mothers will unconsciously seek the nurturing that they didn't receive from their own mothers from their young daughters.

Aside from having unmet emotional needs, the mother might also have other problems, including:

• Being incapacitated by depression
• Lacking parenting skills
• Getting pregnant at a very young age and lacking the maturity to take care of her daughter 
• Having unwanted pregnancies
• Being physically sick
• Being overwhelmed by too many other responsibilities
• Abusing alcohol or drugs, engaging in compulsive gambling or other impulsive/compulsive behavior
• Being in an abusive relationship with the father (or another man) 
• Having a succession of men in and out of her life with each one becoming the focus on her attention rather than her daughter

and so on.

Often this dynamic is perpetuated from one generation to the next without the mothers or daughters even realizing it, unless they get help in therapy.

Young daughters who take on the mother role are usually emotionally overwhelmed because they are behaving in ways that are beyond their developmental capacity.

Not only are their own emotional needs not being met because they're being emotionally neglected, but they are overexerting themselves mentally, emotionally and physically, often without any emotional support.

If they're also taking on the role as the father's sex partner, this is, obviously, extremely damaging and exacerbates the emotional trauma.

Often the mother in the role reversal dynamic, without realizing it, lacks empathy for the daughter.

The mother might lack empathy because she hasn't dealt with her own history of being in a role reversal with her mother.

This is a complicated dynamic and, as illogical as it might seem, this doesn't mean necessarily that the mother in this situation doesn't love the daughter.

The lack of empathy usually means that the mother is unable or unwilling to see the damage being done, despite the love she might feel for the daughter, because she doesn't know how to be nurturing and her own unfulfilled emotional needs are so great.

The mother also might not know how to express love to her daughter because her own mother never expressed it to her.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships:  The Adult Relationship Between the Mother and Daughter:  Possibilities for Healing
It's not unusual that later on in life, when the mother is older and the daughter becomes an adult, for there to be tension between the mother and daughter.

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships: The Adult Relationship Between Mother and Daughter

If the mother is now better able to be loving towards her adult daughter because she has matured and developed more emotionally, there is the possibility for healing their relationship, even if the mother has a lot of shame about the role reversal and the daughter is resentful.

A lot will depend upon the particular mother and daughter.

Some mothers and daughters continue to have an ambivalent, codependent relationship as adults (see my article:  Ambivalence and Codependency in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

Some adult daughters have so much anger, resentment and bitterness towards the mother that they find it difficult to forgive her, even if the mother expresses remorse for their role reversal when the daughter was a child.

Other daughters might develop a kind of intellectual insight ("I know my mother did the best that she could") but, without help in therapy, they remain stuck emotionally and ambivalent in their conflict because even though they might have an intellectual understanding, they don't understand it on an emotional level.

Unfortunately, this is a common experience for many daughters in this situation.

Many daughters are aware that they paid the emotional price for the role reversal, and they're determined that they won't perpetuate this dynamic with their own children.  Many of them go on to have healthy relationships with their children.

But many of them, despite their best efforts, end up having dysfunctional relationships with their children.   They might overindulge their children (like giving them everything that the child wants because they didn't get what they needed when they were children).

They might over function for their children, doing things for their children that their children are capable of doing for themselves. Or they have some other emotional blind spot with regard to their children, especially their daughters.

Some mothers find it difficult to acknowledge the role reversal either because they're in denial about it, they're too ashamed to discuss it or they're dismissive of the pain it caused the daughter due to their lack of empathy ("That was a long time ago.  You should just let it go").

Role Reversal in Mother-Daughter Relationships: The Adult Relationship Between Mother and Daughter

Other mothers want to make a sincere effort to heal the relationship with their daughter, but they don't know how.  Or, their daughter, as an adult, might be unwilling.

There are many variations on this theme.

In a future article, I'll continue this discussion and give a fictional vignette to illustrate the points that I've discussed in this article.

Getting Help in Therapy
Overcoming the emotional consequences of role reversal in mother-daughter relationships can be challenging and, for some people impossible, to do on your own.

Many mothers and adult daughters have been helped by coming to mother-daughter therapy to overcome the problems between them.

With an objective mental health professional, who understands the dynamics involved with this type of role reversal, mothers and daughters often find that they are able to heal their relationship with each other.

Even in situations where one person, either the mother or the daughter, is unable or unwilling to come to therapy to work on this problem, many individuals have healed in individual therapy from the trauma of this dynamic.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples, including mothers and adult daughters and fathers and adult sons.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Mother-Daughter Relationships: Letting Go of Resentments

As I've written in prior blog posts, the mother-daughter relationship is a complex dynamic.   As a psychotherapist in New York City, I hear from many daughters and mothers about longstanding resentments that never get resolved.  Over the course of a lifetime, resentments can build up, especially if they're not resolved when they occur.  It's not unusual for mothers and daughters to continue arguing the same old arguments over and over again, adding more confusion and anger as time goes on.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

Often, mothers and daughters have unrealistic expectations of each other:

Daughters' Idealization of Mothers' Role:
As a society, we tend to idealize the mother's role:  she should always be nurturing, understanding, a good listener and a shoulder to cry on.  When your mother falls short of this idealization, you might feel cheated and deprived and resentment builds up.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

But no one can live up to this standard all the time, especially since mothers in most households now must work as well as being mothers and wives.  As a daughter, assuming that you had a reasonably healthy childhood, you need to let go of this idealization and realize that your mother is human with flaws, like anyone else.

Mothers' Unrealistic Expectations of Daughters:
There are many mother-daughter relationships that are close and happy when the daughter is younger and then become conflictual as the daughter gets older and needs more independence.  It's not easy watching a daughter move away from you during her teenage years, when friends often become more important than mothers.  Sometimes, it seems like it happens over night.

But it's a normal part of your daughter's development as an individual to mature and seek out other relationships.  As a mother, it's best not to get into power struggles with your daughter about this.  You can't be your daughter's best friend.  She needs you to be her mother.  And if you can negotiate this challenging period with your daughter, you're more likely to have a better relationship with your daughter over time.

Mothers and Daughters Arguing the Same Arguments Over and Over Again:
Rather than getting into power struggles, sometimes it's best to just agree to disagree and let go of old arguments and resentments.  Rehashing the same old arguments does nothing but deepen resentment.  Over time, mothers and daughters can become emotionally distant from each other.  The longer this goes on, the harder it is to repair.  It's often better to choose your battles and recognize when you might be arguing to win a power struggle.  No one wins under these circumstances.  Often, both people lose.

Letting Go of Resentments and Forgiving:
I've said this many times to clients, "Forgiving is for the person doing the forgiving."  It doesn't mean that whatever the other person did was okay.  It's not necessarily about reconciliation with the other person.

There are times when relationships can't be reconciled for a variety of reasons.  For instance, there are times when maintaining a relationship is either so emotionally or physically abusive that it would be too damaging to remain in contact.  Self preservation is crucial.

Whether you choose to reconcile directly with your mother or daughter or not, it's important to work through resentments so that they don't remain emotionally toxic within you.  Many clients ask me, "But how do I do this?"  It's a process that can be worked through in therapy with a skilled clinician.

It's Possible to Change an Unhealthy Mother-Daughter Relationship:
Some mothers and daughters are stuck in a rut in their relationships together.  It might be that both of them see the unhealthy dynamic and want to change it, but they don't know how.

For some mothers and daughters, attempts at talking about it only lead to more conflict and arguments.  Sometimes, the best way to change a dynamic is to change yourself rather than waiting for the other person to change.  For instance, if you want your mother or daughter to be a better listener, be a better listener yourself when you talk to her.

Be in the Present  Moment:
When resentments have built up over time, it's often hard to be in the present moment with the other person.  This is especially true when mothers and daughters have longstanding resentments.

When you're constantly focused on old resentments, you might miss out on moments of closeness when there's no conflict.  It's possible that there can be moments when you enjoy each other's company.

Mother-Daughter Relationships:  Letting Go of Resentments

Part of letting go of old resentments is being open to the possibility that the dynamic in your mother-daughter relationship might change.  For this to happen, both people must be willing and able.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.  I have helped many mothers and daughters to let go of resentments in their relationships.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also see my articles:
Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

In my prior two blog posts, I provided some background information about life stages in mother-daughter relationships and I also discussed how early infant bonding and attachment affect mother-daughter relationships: Life Stages in Mother-Daughter Relationships and Mother-Daughter Relationships: Early Bonding. 

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

In this blog post, I will discuss how mother-daughter relationships can be healed using a composite vignette, which does not represent any one particular case with no identifying information.

Clinical Vignette

The following vignette is based on a composite of many different cases with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Ellen:
Ellen was a married woman in her early 50s when she first came to see me. She came because she and her adult daughter, Sandy, had difficulties in their mother-daughter relationship since Sandy was an infant. Ellen felt very sad and frustrated that she and Sandy never had a good relationship, and she felt that they were both stuck in a dysfunctional pattern or relating that neither of them knew how to change. Sandy was her only child, and Ellen wanted very much to heal their relationship.

Ellen had given birth to Sandy when Ellen was 18. She hid the pregnancy from her family through most of her pregnancy because she was ashamed and afraid to tell her parents. By her eighth month, she could no longer hide the pregnancy, despite wearing baggy clothes, and she had to tell her parents that she was pregnant. 

Both of her parents were very upset, and they wanted to confront the boy's parents, but Ellen refused to tell them who the father was. She told me that the father was a young man in his early 20s who was visiting NYC, on leave from the Army, and he left for his home town and never knew about her pregnancy.

Ellen's parents decided that they would raise the baby and, Ellen, who dropped out of school in her eighth month, could focus on getting her GED and going to college. She described this time in her life as being very tumultuous. She was aware that her parents were very disappointed in her and they felt that she had "ruined" her life with this pregnancy.

Since all of her parents' relatives lived on the West Coast, Ellen's parents told them that the baby was Ellen's mother's and that she had kept the pregnancy secret because she wasn't sure she would be able to carry the baby to term due to her age. This was the first secret related to Sandy's birth.

When Sandy was born, Ellen's mother took over. Her mother would hardly allow Ellen to hold the baby and she didn't allow her to breast feed the baby. Ellen said that when Sandy was born, she looked upon her more as a doll than as a live baby. Ellen said she felt a deep shame about having a baby out of wedlock, and it was easier for her to go along with her parents' lies than to deal with the truth.

Before she went away to college, Ellen said she remembered many nights when Sandy cried for hours by herself by herself in her crib. Ellen's mother didn't believe in picking up Sandy when Sandy was in distress because she thought that this would spoil her. Her mother also wouldn't allow Ellen to go to her. So, most nights, Sandy cried until she was exhausted without anyone to comfort her. Ellen said this was excruciating for her, and she was glad to go away to college so she didn't have to hear Sandy cry any more.

While she was in college, Ellen visited home occasionally on weekends. She remembers thinking that Sandy was a sullen, irritable, anxious child. Sandy's basic needs (in terms of being feed, bathed and clothed) were taken of, according to Ellen, but Ellen's parents didn't spend much time talking to Sandy or playing with her. 

 She was left in the crib most of the day by herself. Ellen said that her parents were never overly affectionate people, but their behavior was in stark contrast to how they behaved with her when she was younger. She felt that they were not emotionally prepared to take care of Sandy, and they resented it.

According to Ellen, Sandy grew up thinking that Ellen was her older sister. By the time Sandy was old enough to walk and talk, Ellen said she had also convinced herself of this deception too because it was easier for her to live with. She described the difficulties that Sandy had in school. Although she was bright, Sandy had difficulty making friends with other children and she didn't relate well to her teachers.

After Sandy was evaluated and it was determined that she didn't need a medical intervention, the school recommended counseling. Ellen's parents were opposed to counseling, especially after they heard that the whole family had to be involved in the counseling sessions, so they refused at first. 

 But the school administration continued to pressure them and warned that they would contact the Bureau of Child Welfare if they didn't comply with their recommendations, and Sandy might be taken away from them. The principal felt that Sandy was having basic problems relating interpersonally, and if she didn't get help, this could be a lifelong problem for her. So, Ellen's parents relented very reluctantly.

During family counseling, Ellen's parents finally revealed their secret--that Ellen was really Sandy's mother. Ellen said that her mother broke down one day and told the family therapist the truth. 

 The family therapist helped the family to get through this very difficult time. She told Ellen and her parents that Sandy needed to be told. Ellen and her parents struggled with this for a few months but, with the family therapist's help, they prepared themselves to talk to Sandy in session to tell her, in a way that a child might understand, that Ellen was her real mother.

Ellen told me that she felt retraumatized when she and her parents had to reveal the truth to Sandy. Until then, she had gone into a sort of state of denial about being Sandy's mother, and she felt like she was being confronted with it all over again.

According to Ellen, after she was told, Sandy became very angry and she began acting out in school and at home. She stopped talking to Ellen and she vacillated between clinging to Ellen's mother and pushing her away. She behaved in much the same way with Ellen's father. 

During those sessions when Sandy was told the truth about Ellen being her real mother, she was also told that her father lived far away and no one had contact with him. 

Over and over again, the family tried to reassure her that she was much loved by them (even if Ellen's parents had difficulty showing it), but Sandy's school work suffered. Her therapy sessions were increased to three times a week so the family therapist was able to help her get through this crisis.

Soon after that, Ellen moved out of the household to get her own apartment with roommates, and she only went home occasionally to visit her family. She said she made efforts over the years to reconcile with Sandy, but Sandy was very resistant to this. Sandy completed high school and she went on to college. 

She made a few close friends, but she had a lot of problems in her relationships with young men. She tended to choose men who were emotionally unavailable and she was constantly trying to win their affection. According to Ellen, these relationships usually ended in the young men abandoning Sandy.

By now, Sandy was in her mid-30s. As a college graduate, she was underemployed as an office clerk, and she had a succession of roommates over the years. She had not been in a relationship for several years. 

Ellen called Sandy about once every couple of weeks to find out how she was doing, but she said, most of the time, she got Sandy's answering machine and Sandy rarely returned her calls. Whatever she knew about Sandy, she knew from a cousin who moved to NY and who befriended Sandy.

In the early stage of our work together, I helped Ellen to understand what might have gone wrong with Sandy in the early attachment phase when she was an infant. In order for babies to learn how to bond and develop a secure attachment to their primary caregiver (in this case, Ellen's mother), they need to have consist nurturing and care.

Based on Ellen's description of her mother's interactions with Sandy as an infant, it appeared that Sandy's basic needs were taken care of, but there wasn't a lot of nurturing or affection. As a result, Sandy grew up to feel insecure and had difficulties forming relationships. 

I assured Ellen that this didn't mean that Sandy was doomed to continue in this way, but she had to be willing to get psychological help. 

 I told her that the family therapy was probably helpful to her when Sandy was younger, but it seemed, based on Ellen's account, that Sandy probably had a lot of unspoken anger, hurt and resentment towards her. If they were going to heal their relationship, Ellen would have to learn to forgive herself and make amends with Sandy. Sandy would also have to be willing to reconcile.

Our early work together involved helping Ellen to develop emotional resources for herself. Her husband was her main source of external support. She also had supportive, close friends. 

During this period of our work, Ellen grieved for the loss that she felt for not being closer to Sandy when she was a baby. 

She felt that she really missed out on having these early years with her daughter. Ellen also learned to be compassionate with the teenage part of herself who was obviously not equipped on any level to take care of an infant and who had no choice but to go along with her parents' wishes with regard to Sandy.

When she felt ready, she tried to contact Sandy by phone to ask to see her and talk to her, but
Sandy remained unresponsive to her. So, Ellen wrote Sandy a letter in which she expressed her deep sorrow and regret for what happened between them. She asked Sandy to forgive her and told her that she hoped they could develop a better relationship.

Much to Ellen's surprise, Sandy agreed to come in for a therapy session to meet with Ellen and me. It was a very emotional session with lots of anger and tears on Sandy's part and much anguish and pain for Ellen. Sandy agreed to come back for another session a week later. 

Since Ellen had no expectations of how the session would go, she was able to come into her next session with me and talk about how she felt. Even though it was very painful to hear Sandy's anger and pain, Ellen felt that, at least, they were talking in an honest way and the lines of communication were finally open. But she also knew that she could not force Sandy to have a mother-daughter relationship if she was not open to it. At that point, Sandy seemed highly ambivalent.

Ellen and Sandy met with me for several months. It was very rocky at first, but I saw some hope in that they both wanted to continue the process. During our sessions, Sandy developed a psychological curiosity about her own emotional process, and she also began her own individual sessions with a psychotherapist.

Gradually, Ellen and Sandy began to make some progress. 

Just like most psychological changes, it was not a steady line of progress. It was more like two steps forward and one step backwards, but it was progress nonetheless. They began going for coffee after their sessions and, after a while, they were having dinner together. 

Although Sandy was guarded and very cautious at first about opening up, she also seemed, underneath it all, to have a real need for the compassionate, nurturing mother that she never had. By now, Ellen's parents were in their mid-70s and they never really bonded with Sandy.

With Sandy's consent, I also maintained contact with her individual therapist. Her therapist reported that Sandy had formed a rapport with her, and she was making slow, steady progress in treatment. She was beginning to let go of some of her fears about starting to go out with men again, and she eventually met a man that she really liked and who was very interested in her, and emotionally available.

When there is this type of emotional rupture in the mother-daughter relationship, the work tends to be slow. Healing doesn't happen over night, if it happens at all. Trust must be regained over time for both the mother and the daughter.

For mothers and daughters to make amends in these types of situations, there usually needs to be an overarching motivation to transcend their differences. A therapist never knows in advance how this will go in the treatment. 

Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships

Fortunately, for Ellen and Sandy, they were eventually able to develop a belated mother-daughter relationship that they could both feel comfortable with over time. There was nothing magical about it--it involved a lot of sustained, hard work on both of their parts and a willingness to be emotionally vulnerable.

Sandy also tracked down her father who, at that point, was divorced with adult children. After the initial shock of hearing that he had a daughter that he never knew about, he wanted to meet her. Over time, Sandy began taking steps to develop a belated relationship with her biological father.

Conclusion
I hear from both mothers and daughters in this type and other types of relationships. Sometimes, they decide to come in after many years of estrangement. 

Often, mothers and daughters, who might have been reluctant to heal their relationship earlier on, will have a change of heart as the mother ages. Often, they see it as their last chance to reconcile before the mother becomes too frail or before she dies. Other times, as daughters become mothers themselves, they develop more compassion and empathy for what their own mothers might have gone through with them.

There are times when mothers or daughters cannot heal their relationship for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, one or the other of them is not willing or able. Other times, one of them is no longer alive and so the person remaining has to heal her own internal mother-daughter relationship on their own in therapy.

At times, whatever occurred in the mother-daughter relationship might have been so abusive that the relationship is just still too toxic to heal, especially if the mother is unable to own up to the abuse (if she was the abuser) or unable to accept that abuse occurred (if the abuser was someone else). 

Often, these are instances where there was physical and/or sexual abuse that remains unacknowledged and unresolved. At those times, you might need help to overcome the trauma of what occurred without involving the other person.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I've mentioned in prior blog posts, the mother-daughter relationship is the most intense family of origin relationship. This can make it the most rewarding as well as the most painful relationship.

If you and your mother or daughter are having problems healing your relationship on your own, you might consider getting professional help to assist you with this process, whether you decide to do this on your own or with your mother or daughter.

About Me
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing therapist and EMDR therapist (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to work through mother-daughter issues as well as other family of origin problems so that they can lead meaningful and fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.