Are Unmet Expectations Ruining Your Relationship?

Every relationship comes with expectations. Some expectations are clear: Loyalty, honesty, respect and so on (see my article: Relationship Expectations: What is a Good Enough Relationship? No, It Doesn't Mean Settling).

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

But in many relationships there are silent expectations that neither partner communicates. Instead they assume the other partner knows and agrees to fulfill them.

These unspoken expectations, which often go unmet, can ruin a relationship (see my article: Do You Expect Your Partner to Be a Mind Reader?).

What Are Silent Expectations?

Silent expectations are unspoken beliefs, assumptions or standards about how one partner expects the other to behave. These silent expectations are often the basis for misunderstandings, disappointments and resentment when these unspoken expectations go unmet. 

How Do Silent Expectations Develop?

Silent expectations develop from family history, cultural norms and prior relationships regarding what love, relationships, respect and commitment should be. 

A partner can mistakenly assume that their partner shares their beliefs and assumptions--even though the expectations haven't been communicated.

Individuals who have silent expectations often feel their partner "should know" what is expected of them.  

Why Do People in Relationships Avoid Communicating Their Expectations?

People who avoid communicating their expectations often fear conflict so they don't want to risk confrontations by talking about their emotional needs. This fear is the underlying reason for their silence. 

How Can Silent Expectations Ruin Your Relationship?

Silent expectations can take their toll over time, so if you have unmet expectations you never expressed to your partner, it's important to understand how this situation developed:

• Poor Communication: Silent expectations often go unmet because one or both partners haven't communicated about their expectations.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• An Expectation that Your Partner "Should Know" What You Expect: You might assume your partner knows or should be able to read your mind. But, in reality, your partner might not know. It's not necessarily that your partner doesn't want to meet your needs. They're just unaware of these needs. This usually leads to hurt, anger and disappointment.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Resentment Grows: Over time the resentment about unmet needs can fester and this can ruin a relationship (see my article: How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship).

• Emotional Distance Grows: If you have silent expectations that go unmet, you and your partner can become emotionally distant from one another. As a defense against disappointment, walls go up, which makes it even harder to communicate. Over time, you might feel unseen and unheard--even though you haven't communicated your needs. 

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• A Focus on Who You Think Your Partner Should Be and Not Who They Really Are: If this situation persists over time, you can lose sight of who your partner really is because you're focused on what you think your partner should be and how your partner should behave.

• Increased Conflict: Unspoken expectations can lead to arguments and ongoing conflict.

• Stagnation: Unspoken expectations can lead to relationship stagnation as you disengage from one another.

How Can You Prevent Silent Expectations From Ruining Your Relationship?

The best way to prevent silent expectations from ruining your relationship is to be up front at the beginning of your relationship about what you want. 

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

But if you haven't communicated your needs from the start and you realize your resentment is starting to grow, there are steps you can take to keep unmet expectations from ruining your relationship:

• Learn to Develop Realistic Expectations: Take time to assess your expectations:
• Are your expectations realistic? 
• Are your expectations fair?
• Do your expectations need to be adjusted or changed?

• Learn to Communicate Clearly and Directly: Don't assume your partner already knows your expectations. Learn to communicate clearly. Instead of complaining, express your wishes explicitly in a positive and constructive way. For instance, instead of saying, "You never show affection towards me," say "I really love when you're affectionate with me" (see my article: Complaining Instead of Expressing Your Needs).

• Learn to Deal With Confrontations: If you're avoiding talking about your hopes and expectations because you fear confrontations, you're going to struggle with being in a relationship because confrontations are inevitable. This doesn't mean that confrontations have to be destructive. You and your partner can disagree and still be respectful (see my article: How to Stop Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship).

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Make Adjustments: After you communicate with your partner, you might realize that you each have different expectations. For instance, if you expect your partner to know when you want to be comforted and when you need time to yourself, after you talk to your partner, you might discover that your partner doesn't know when to comfort you and when to give you space. More than likely this is because you don't communicate when you want to be consoled and when you need time to yourself because you expect your partner to know. But your partner isn't a mind reader, so you have to learn to communicate clearly.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Compromise: Your partner might not be able to meet all your expectations. For instance, if you expect your partner to meet all your needs, this is an unrealistic expectation. No one person can meet all of your needs. So, it's important to have other people in your life that can also provide you with emotional support or can join in doing activities that your partner might not enjoy.

Unmet Expectations Can Ruin a Relationship

• Learn to Reassess Your Expectations Over Time: Sometimes expectations that were realistic at one point in your life become unrealistic later on, so you need to reassess.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

When resentment builds over time, it can be difficult for a couple to overcome these resentments on their own.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to develop tools and strategies so you can overcome resentment and strengthen your relationship. 

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an experienced couples therapist who can help you to develop a more fulfilling relationship.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship

Resentment can fester and grow until it destroys a relationship. 

Rather than allowing resentment to grow and harden, it's better to find ways to overcome resentment as problems come up.

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

What is Resentment?

Resentment can include the following:

• Anger
• Disappointment
• Discontentment
• Frustration
• Feeling mistreated
• Indignation
• Irritation
• Disgust
• Holding onto a grudge/an inability to let go of anger

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

• Difficulty accepting apologies
• A chip on one's shoulder
• Animosity
• Hostility
• Hatred
• Bitterness
• Antipathy
• Antagonism
• Ambivalence about the relationship
• Ruminating about feeling mistreated
• Avoiding topics that can lead to arguments and more resentment
• Experiencing tension in the relationship
• Feeling emotionally disconnected from a partner
• Reacting in a passive aggressive way rather than confronting problems directly
• Feeling invisible
• Feeling unlovable

What Are Common Triggers of Resentment in Relationships?

Some of the most common triggers of resentment include:

• Feeling unseen and unheard by a partner
• Feeling put down/criticized
• Having unrealistic expectations of a partner
• Dealing with a partner who insists on always being right
• Dealing with a partner who is frequently forgetful or late
• Feeling taken advantage of by a partner
• Feeling burnt-out by ongoing unresolved problems in the relationship

How Does Resentment Affect a Relationship?

Resentment can affect a relationship in many different ways depending upon who feels the resentment and how long the resentment has been going on, including:

• Harboring anger and bitterness towards a partner that leads to expressing pent up anger unexpectedly and harshly
• Feeling less empathy for your partner
• Withdrawing emotionally from your partner
• Withdrawing sexually from your partner

Dealing with Resentment in Your Relationship

• Feeling disgust and/or disappointment for your partner
• Complaining a lot about your partner to others
• Feeling anxious about the relationship
• Feeling physical tension and stress-related health problems as a result of the relationship
• Feeling like you want to get away from your partner
• Feeling like your opinions don't matter to your partner
• Feeling ignored
• Feeling confusion and/or ambivalence about the relationship
• "Walking on eggshells" with your partner
• Wanting to end the relationship

How Can You and Your Partner Prevent Resentment From Building Up?

It's a lot easier to address issues as they come up instead of allowing resentment to grow and harden:

• Address problems as soon as they arise 
• Learn to communicate and express your feelings in a healthy way
• Keep your expectations realistic. Don't expect your partner to meet every single expectation that you have. Instead, focus on what's most important to you.

Tips on How to Overcome Existing Resentment

If you and your partner have avoided dealing with the resentment in your relationship, you're going to find it challenging. 

Here are some tips that can help:

• Acknowledge the Resentment: If you want your relationship to improve, you both need to be able to acknowledge your own and your partner's resentment--even if you both spent years avoiding it.

• Work on One Issue at a Time: Rather than "kitchen sinking" each other with a whole litany of complaints, focus on one issue at a time. Listen to your partner instead of getting defensive or responding by barraging your partner with your complaints.

• Be Aware of Your Part in the Resentment: You might be aware of your resentment towards your partner, but are you aware of the role you might be playing?

• Remember Your Partner's Good Qualities: In order to put your feelings into perspective and to help you reduce resentment, try to remember your partner's good qualities.

• Learn to Compromise: If you and your partner can find a compromise that you each can live with, this can go a long way to reducing resentment. By talking over the problems in your relationship, you and your partner might be able to come up with reasonable compromises so you can each feel heard and taken care of in the relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to identify the areas where you're stuck and help you to make decisions about your relationship--including whether you want to remain together or you want to end the relationship in an amicable way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

5 Tips For Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be

If there's one thing that's clear during this global pandemic, it's that things don't always go as planned  and when you're faced with a crisis, you need to find ways to cope (see my articles: Coping and Staying Calm During the COVID-19 Crisis and Fear and Anxiety During a Crisis).

Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be

By the time you become an adult, you've had experiences, both big and small, of being surprised and disappointed when you thought things would go a certain way and they didn't.

Whether these surprises and disappointments were due to people in your life not keeping their commitments or sudden changes in plans or events, you've had to deal with things changing in a way that you didn't want or expect.

Learning to Let Go: 5 Tips on Letting Go of How You Thought Things Would Be:
When it's obvious that there's nothing you can do to change these circumstances, it becomes a matter of learning to let go of your expectations.

When it's a big disappointment, letting go can be a long process.  It doesn't happen overnight because losses, especially big losses, are challenging.  You need to allow yourself to go through the grief and sadness and whatever fear and anxiety it might bring up for you.

5 Helpful Tips For Letting Go

• Allow Yourself to Go Through the 5 Stages of Grief (see my article:  The 5 Stages of Grief).
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Despair or Depression
• Acceptance

• This process isn't linear and you don't necessarily go from one stage directly to another. You can experience these stages in any order and go back and forth between stages.
• Certain events or memories can also bring you back to the stages of grief, such as an anniversary of the death of a close relative or a birthday.  
• Be kind and patient with yourself (see my article: Self Compassion: Loving Yourself Even in the Places Where You Feel Broken).

• Acknowledge the Loss and, When You're Ready, Practice Gratitude
• Rather than sweeping your feelings under the rug, acknowledge that your disappointment is a loss.
• When you're ready, try to remember positive things in other areas of your life where you feel grateful.  You might not be ready to see or acknowledge these things while you're dealing with a big loss.  But, eventually, it might get easier for you to look at them without denying the feelings for your loss (see my article: Keeping a Gratitude Journal).

• Ask Yourself If Your Expectations Are Realistic
• While it's true that you might not always know what's realistic and what's not, there might be times when you have expectations of someone who disappointed you multiple times in the past, and you keep hoping and expecting this person will fulfill your expectations each time.
• Recognize the difference between hope and expectations. You might hope you won't be disappointed again by someone who disappointed you repeatedly in the past, but you're not accepting the reality of your situation. You're setting yourself up.
• Having expectations of someone who is either unwilling or unable to meet them is a guarantee for disappointment and hurt.

• Remember Other Times When Things Changed For the Better
• When you first experience a disappointment, you don't always see the silver lining.  Sometimes, it takes time to look back on a situation and see that even though you didn't get what you wanted, eventually things turned out better.
• For example, maybe you lost a job in the past, but then you decided to pivot and go for the career that you really wanted instead of settling for the job you had.

• Set Boundaries With People Who Constantly Disappoint You
• Rather than trying to control or manipulate someone into doing what you want, learn to accept that you won't get what you want from this person and set boundaries with them.
• Setting boundaries will mean different things in different situations (see my article: Setting Boundaries).
• For instance, if you're seeing someone who can't make a commitment to be in a relationship, don't settle for less than you want (see my article: Are You Dating Someone Who Has Problem Making a Commitment?).

Getting Help in Therapy

There are times when, despite your best efforts, you have problems letting go of your expectations.  This might be because the current situation is related to experiences from your past (see my article: Reacting to the Present Based on Your Traumatic Experiences From the Past).

If you're having problems letting go, you could benefit from working with a licensed therapist who has experience helping clients overcome this problem.

Many therapists, including me, are providing online therapy, also known as teletherapy, telemental health and telehealth, while they're out of the office due to the COVID-19 crisis (see my article:  The Advantages of Online Therapy When You Can't See Your Therapist in Person).

Contacting a therapist for help is often the first step to freeing yourself from obstacles that are keeping you stuck.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Therapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I am currently providing online therapy during the COVID-19 pandemic.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

When people fall in love, they often fall in love with their idealization of their lover rather than the reality. At the beginning of the relationship before they know each others' habits, doubts and fears, each partner tends to see the best in the other and fills in the missing pieces with fantasies of who they want their partner to be.  But after they have been living together or married for a while, the ideal tends to fall away as reality sets in.  There is, inevitably, some disillusionment, but how each partner navigates his or her disappointment often predicts if the relationship will survive and thrive or end.

Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

Some people, who become disillusioned, leave the relationship and continue to look for their ideal mate.  Little do they realize that they will probably go through the same experience again with the next person.  For these people, searching for their "soul mate" can become a lifelong quest that is never fulfilled.

Fictional Clinical Vignette: Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real
The following fictional vignette illustrates how the initial idealization can turn into disappointment and disillusionment and how psychotherapy can help to get to the underlying issues to resolve the problem:

Cassie
After living together for six months, Cassie realized that her boyfriend, Steve, wasn't the person she thought he was when they first met at an outdoor photography class a few months before.

When she first met Steve, Cassie was struck by his good looks, his kindness, humor and intelligence.  From the moment they started talking, she was immediately drawn to him.  She had just gotten out of a one year relationship with another man, who turned out to be a different person from who she thought he was during the first few months together.

After the photography class, over dinner later, they spoke for three hours and continued the conversation the next day for several more hours.  Since their first day together, they spent time together everyday until Steve eventually moved in with Cassie.

She expected there would be things that annoyed her about Steve and that annoyed him about her.  But she didn't expect him to be so different from the person she originally fell in love with.

When she first met him, Steve was living temporarily with a friend because he was new to New York City.  At the time, he was living out of boxes and suitcases, so when he moved into her apartment, Cassie made room for Steve's things in her closets and drawers.  She also made sure to buy things that she knew he would like to eat.  She wanted him to feel comfortable.

But after a few days, Cassie realized that, unlike her, Steve was sloppy.  He left his clothes and things all over the apartment--dirty socks on the floor, newspapers piled up in the living room, his toiletries taking up all the space on the bathroom counter they shared, and puddles of water on the floor after he took a shower.  And the worst thing for Cassie was that he didn't seem to mind living this way.

The first few times, she tried to be tactful when she spoke to him about his sloppiness, hoping that he would be neater.  She didn't want him to feel that her apartment wasn't his place too or that she wanted to boss him around.   But, even though he apologized and said he would try to be neater, he continued to be sloppy, which angered Cassie.

She also began noticing other things that bothered her: He tended to drink from the milk carton and leave it on the kitchen counter so it spoiled.  She also saw that if she left for work earlier than he did, Steve got up and left for work without making the bed or tiding up in the kitchen.  He also left his dishes and coffee cup in the sink.

Finally, Cassie suggested that they talk, and she mentioned the things that were bothering her.  Steve told her that he would try to be more considerate, but he also felt that Cassie was being picky about certain things.

Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

During their talk, Steve reminded her that the few times when he did make the bed, she wasn't happy about the way that he did it because she had a particular way that she preferred.  Cassie admitted that she tended to be somewhat of a perfectionist and she realized that she would have to let go of some of her perfectionism if the relationship was going to work.

Later that week, when Cassie spoke with her two close friends about Steve's sloppiness, both of her friends told her that their husbands were the same way. They said they used to argue about these things a lot in the beginning, but they gave up after a while.

With a long sigh, Cassie hesitated before she brought up what she was thinking.  Then, she told her friends that she felt disillusioned about Steve and their relationship.  She said he seemed so different when they first met.  She wondered if she had made a mistake in getting into a relationship with him. Her friends suggested that she talk to a psychotherapist first before she ended the relationship precipitously.

A few weeks later, Cassie felt so troubled about her relationship that she contacted a psychotherapist to be able to talk things out.  She didn't want to break up with Steve, but she wasn't sure she could stay in the relationship either.

As Cassie spoke with her psychotherapist about what was going on at home, she began to cry.  She said that, when she and Steve first met, they had sex all the time.  But, she said, shortly after they moved in together, they had sex once a week or less, and she didn't feel as attracted to him as she once did.  All she could think about was his sloppiness.  She also wondered if he felt less attracted to her because she criticized him for being sloppy.

When Cassie spoke with her psychotherapist about her family, she said that her mother also tended to be a perfectionist.  Her mother told Cassie that she had to "put her foot down" when she and Cassie's father got married because he tended to be sloppy.  After that, Cassie's mother controlled things in the relationship, and the father became much more passive.

Cassie told her psychotherapist that she didn't want to be controlling or have Steve become passive.  She said she just wanted the man she met when they first got together.  Then, she cried.

Her psychotherapist explained that almost every couple starts their relationship with an idealized image of each other.  Then, after they get to know each other, that idealization falls away and reality sets in and the couple has a chance to develop a more realistic relationship.

She asked Cassie questions about whether she and Steve had shared values and still enjoyed the same things together.  Cassie responded that their values were the same.  She also said that, lately, since things were strained between them, they weren't enjoying the same things together as much as they used to before.  She said she noticed that Steve was more apprehensive around her at home, and she realized that he probably expected her to be critical about the things he did or didn't do things at home.

As her psychotherapist normalized Cassie's experiences in her relationship, Cassie realized that she didn't know if she was ready to let go of the "idealized Steve" that she thought she was in a relationship with in order to accept the "real Steve."  She said that as she heard herself say these words, she felt immature.

Over the next few weeks, Cassie talked in therapy about being a perfectionist and how unhappy it made her--even before Steve was in her life.  She felt like "perfection is my norm."  They talked about how much shame there was underneath her perfectionism, and worked on helping her to overcome her shame (see my article:  The Connection Between Perfectionism and Core Shame).

Over time, Steve became more self aware and he was more conscientious about being neat and considerate.  He even told her that he realized that he preferred it when the apartment was neat and tidy.  Cassie could see that he was really trying, but she still felt like she missed the "idealized Steve," even though she realized that he never existed--except in her head.

In her psychotherapy sessions, Cassie talked about all the prior relationships that had a similar pattern where she thought each boyfriend was "wonderful," only to find out later that each of them had flaws that she couldn't stand, which led to her ending those relationships.

But now, at age 30, she was trying to focus on what was more important, and she realized, on an intellectual level, that the fact that she loved Steve and he loved her--although not in the head-over-heels way that they did at first.  She also realized that he was a good person, which was more important than some of his habits than annoyed her.

Casie told her psychotherapist that she just wished she could feel this on an emotional level and not just on an intellectual.  She kept thinking about what her mother might say if she knew how sloppy Steve was.  She knew her mother would disapprove and she would expect Cassie to control him, like her mother controlled her father (see my article: Ambivalence and Codependence in Mother-Daughter Relationships).

The more Cassie and her therapist talked about it, the more they both realized that Cassie was still seeing things from her mother's perspective and still trying to please her--rather than developing her own perspective.

Relationships: The Ideal vs. the Real

Over time, Cassie and her psychotherapist worked in therapy to help Cassie distinguish her own views from her mother's views.  As they did this, Cassie felt more like an adult.  Over time, she felt on an emotional level (and not just on an intellectual level) that she was satisfied in her relationship with Steve and, if anything, their love was growing in a more mature way.

Conclusion
It's normal to idealize the person that you're with when you're first in a relationship.  Over time, both of you get to know the "real" person you're in a relationship with and not the ideal.

Some people have problems accepting anything less than the ideal.  Often, this has to do with unconscious underlying issues, including still trying to live up to parents' expectations.

By letting go of your concept of the ideal and re-evaluating your relationship and what's most important to you, you have an opportunity to see your partner and your relationship in a more realistic light so that your love can mature and grow.

Getting Help in Therapy
Many people, who have problems with the disillusionment that reality is different from the ideal, are helped in psychotherapy (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

A skilled psychotherapist can help you to discover the underlying issues that are getting in your way and help you to make decisions about your relationship and your life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling on your own, you owe it to yourself to get help in therapy.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.  One of my specialties is helping client to overcome traumatic experiences and deal with unresolved issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

When Idealized Heroes Falter

As a psychotherapist in New York City, who is a trauma specialist, I often hear from adult clients how disappointing it was for them as children, and even as adults, when their idealized heroes faltered.

When Idealized Heroes Falter

This topic often comes up when I'm preparing a client to do attachment-related EMDR therapy (see my article: How EMDR Therapy Works: EMDR and the Brain), and it's an opportunity to work through these issues.

As part of the preparation, I help clients to imagine a safe or relaxing place.  I also ask clients to come up with three people (real or imagined) who embody the qualities of being powerful, nurturing and wise.  I also offer the possibility, if they prefer, to name one person who embodies all of these qualities.

This is the resourcing part of the preparation phase of EMDR, and the three real or imagined people are used later on in EMDR processing, if necessary, as imaginal interweaves (as developed by EMDR expert, Laurel Parnell, Ph.D.).

Specifically, during the processing phase of EMDR, clients might run into difficulty and need to imagine one or more of the qualities embodied by these people to get through a difficult part of the trauma work.  Often these interweaves aren't needed if the processing of the trauma is going smoothly, but it's good to have them already set up before the processing of the trauma begins.

Depending upon their traumatic history, some clients struggle to come up with real or imagined people and I help them to come up with people who are meaningful in their lives either in the present or in the past.

It's often at that point that clients will talk about idealized heroes that disappointed them at some point in their lives, especially as children.

Sometimes, if these clients didn't process these disappointments with anyone before, their perspective about their disappointment can remain childlike, which is understandable because it's as if the disappointment is frozen in time.

At that point, it can helpful for a psychotherapist to help the client to develop an adult perspective about the former idealized hero who faltered, one that includes empathy and compassion if that's possible (see my article: Looking at Your Childhood Trauma From an Adult Perspective).

Fictional Clinical Vignette: When Idealized Heroes Falter
The following fictional vignette illustrates how an adult client in therapy can come to terms with his his disappointment about an idealized hero from his childhood:

Tom
Tom was in his early 40s when he began attending psychotherapy to deal with a traumatic history of emotional abuse.  He said he never thought he would come to therapy, but he realized that his history of emotional abuse was getting in the way of his having a relationship and he couldn't ignore it anymore.

After the initial consultation and sessions about his family history, the therapist explained EMDR therapy to Tom, including the various phases of EMDR.  They began the resourcing phase, which included coming up with a relaxing place and the three imaginal interweaves mentioned above (wise, nurturing and powerful people who are either real or imagined).

Since Tom experienced childhood emotional abuse by his father, it wasn't surprising that he had problems coming up with the imaginal interweaves because his whole world had been turned upside down by the emotional abuse.  The therapist told Tom that they could forgo this part of the preparation if he preferred, but Tom said he wanted to do this part and he would think about it between therapy sessions.

When he returned for his next psychotherapy session, Tom told his therapist that he remembered something that he hadn't thought of in a long time:  His disappointment in a neighbor, Jim, who was someone that Tom looked up to as a child and who was a friend and a hero to him.

Tom said that Jim lived with his wife in the same apartment building in Brooklyn where Tom and his family lived.  Jim was a mechanic and he had his own business a few blocks away from the apartment house.  He and his wife had no children of their own, but all the children in the neighborhood who knew Jim liked him.

On his days off, Jim would coach Little League games.  He was also active in the community, and he was instrumental in helping to set up the Police Athlete League (PAL) in Tom's neighborhood so the children had a place to play and learn.

The times that Tom liked best was when he and Jim would sit on the stoop to talk.  Tom felt he could talk to Jim about almost anything.  They would spend hours sitting on the stoop talking about sports, school, homework or whatever topic came up.

Tom never confided in Jim about how emotionally abusive his father was, but Tom sensed that Jim knew and that he was compassionate towards Tom and tried to be emotionally supportive.

Jim also talked about how when he was 18, he joined the Marines to get away from a difficult home life.  Afterwards, he said, he trained to be a car mechanic, met the woman who would eventually become his wife, and opened his own business with a partner.

Tom told his psychotherapist that from that day on Jim became his hero, and listening to Jim speak gave Tom hope that one day he would overcome his current circumstances at home.  It was at that point that Tom began talking to Jim about what he might want to do when he grew up.  It was the first time that Tom ever allowed himself to think he might be happy in the future.

Tom's friendship with Jim continued from the time Tom was in elementary school until he graduated high school.  It was Jim who encouraged Tom to participate in sports in high school and to apply to colleges.

Then, one day, when Tom came home on Spring break from college and he went to visit Jim, Jim's wife opened the door and told Tom that Jim wasn't there.  When Tom asked her where he was, she told Tom to come in and sit down.

After they sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity to Tom, Jim's wife lowered her eyes and told Tom that Jim was incarcerated for embezzling money from the business that he and his partner owned.  His partner pressed charges, and Jim admitted that he took the money.

When she raised her eyes, she could see that Tom was shocked and she said, "I know you idolized Jim.  I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I thought it would be better for you to hear it from me."

He remembered that after she told him about Jim's incarceration, all he could say was, "But why?  Why did he do it?"

"There's no excuse for it, Tom," she said, "We were going through hard times financially.  After he was caught, he told me that he did it and planned to pay back every penny that he took, but he was caught before he could do that.  I can't believe it myself. It's so out of character for Jim."

Tom told his psychotherapist that prior to going home on Spring break, he had been out of touch with Jim for a few months, so he knew nothing about this until Jim's wife told him.  After he got over the shock, he felt deeply angry with Jim.

He thought about all the times that Jim talked to Tom about honesty and integrity.  After he heard what Jim did, all he could think was that Jim was a hypocrite and he was foolish for ever befriending Jim and believing in him.

He told his psychotherapist, "He was my hero.  He would have been the one that I would have chosen as a 'powerful' person, if he didn't end up going to prison.  After I found out what happened, I didn't make an attempt to ever reach out to him again."

Tom's psychotherapist could tell that, even though Tom was in his early 40s, he was stuck. His reaction to Jim was coming from his adolescent self and not his adult self.

They spent several sessions talking about how disappointed Tom was in Jim, and how he never saw Jim again, even after he got out of prison.  Eventually, Jim and his wife moved out of the neighborhood and Tom had no idea where they went.

Over the course of the next several sessions, Tom continued to talk about his feelings, and he mentioned that he was also having dreams about Jim.  His psychotherapist helped Tom to see that anger towards Jim covered over his deep sadness and disappointment (see my article: Discovering That Sadness is Often Hidden Underneath Anger).

Gradually, Tom began to see that, although what Jim did was wrong, Jim was human and he made a mistake.  He also realized that Jim never meant to hurt anyone and he must have been desperate to steal the money from his partner, even if he planned to pay it back, as his wife said.

Tom began looking at his relationship with Jim from an adult perspective.  His attitude towards Jim softened, and he was able to see that, even though Jim made a mistake that he paid for by going to prison, Jim helped him in many ways.  He realized that he probably wouldn't have studied as hard and gone to college if it hadn't been for Jim.  He also realized that Jim fulfilled an important role in his life at a crucial time, and he was grateful for that.

With that, Tom and his therapist were able to go on to complete the preparation phase of EMDR and process his childhood trauma of being emotionally abused by his father.

Eventually, Tom found out where Jim and his wife lived and sent Jim a letter expressing his gratitude for all that Jim had done for him when he was a child.  A few weeks after that, Jim invited Tom over to reconcile their friendship.

Tom could see that Jim had aged a lot since he last saw him more than 20 years ago, but he still had the same warm smile.

Jim acknowledged to Tom that he was wrong for stealing the money, regardless of his financial circumstances.  He also apologized to Tom for disappointing him.   Jim told him that when he was in prison, he often thought about Tom and some of the other children in the neighborhood, and he knew that he let them down.

Tom could tell that Jim was deeply affected by their reconciliation, and Tom felt the last vestiges of his anger slipping away.

Conclusion
People who are idealized heroes in our lives are human and have flaws, just like anyone else.

Even comic book superheroes have flaws: Clark Kent, who was Superman in the comics, comes to mind with regard to his powerlessness around kryptonite.  Despite his courage and superhuman  abilities, deep down he felt like an outsider because he was an orphan.  Those were feelings that he kept to himself.

Coming to terms with the faltering of an idealized hero can be difficult for a child, and it can even be difficult for an adult looking back on his experiences with a hero.

Parents can talk to a child about mistakes that the child made as a way to help the child to see the humanity in the child's hero.  But when there's no one for a child to process these feelings with, these feelings often remain frozen and somewhat childlike.

With the help of a psychotherapist, a client can look back on his disappointment that his hero faltered and learn to develop empathy and compassion.  He can also learn that it's not an all-or-nothing experience, and he can still appreciate and be grateful for all that was positive in their relationship (see my article: Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking).

Getting Help in Therapy
Psychotherapy can help you to work through traumatic experiences from your past so that you can free yourself from the trauma in your history (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

Rather than suffering on your own, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional who can assist you to overcome a traumatic history so you can lead a more fulfilling life (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

5 Tips For Bouncing Back From Routine Disappointments

Everyone experiences routine disappointments at some point in life (see my article: Are You Overreacting to Routine Disappointments?).  Disappointments are unavoidable.  The question isn't whether you will be disappointed but how well you can bounce back from disappointments.  The better you get at moving on from routine disappointments, the more resilient you become (see my article: Resilience: Bouncing Back From Life's Challenges).  In this article, I'm going to provide tips for rebounding from routine disappointments.

Bouncing Back From Routine Disappointments

5 Tips to Bounce Back From Routine Disappointments

• Focus on Gratitude:  Although you might be disappointed about what you didn't get or that life is unfair, you probably have other areas in your life that are positive.  So, rather than focusing on what you don't have, focus on what you do have.  It might sound trite, but it will shift your mood, which is what you need to bounce back from a disappointment and not to wallow in it so that it colors everything in your life (see my articles: Is It Possible to Feel Gratitude Even When You're Sad?, Keeping a Gratitude Journal, and Getting Out of a Rut.

• Exercise at a Pace That's Right For You:  Movement helps to shift your mood.  Whether it's a sport, yoga or other types of exercise, movement will help you to lift your spirits (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: Can Yoga Improve Your Mood?).

• Give Yourself Credit For Coping As Best As You Can:  Making any kind of effort after a routine disappointment deserves recognition, including self recognition.  Too often people don't give themselves credit for being able to handle disappointing situations.  As part of your self recognition, remember other times when you got through routine disappointments and how these disappointments didn't have a major impact on your life.

• Use Humor to Shift Your Attention and Lift Your Mood:  Watching funny movies, TV programs or listening or telling funny stories will release neurochemicals in your brain to shift your mood.  Don't underestimate what a change humor can make to help you to bounce back.  Having others join you can increase the benefit of using humor because humor is contagious.  Have you ever been in a crowd where people were laughing uproariously and you didn't even know what they were laughing about but their laughter made you laugh?  If so, then you know how powerful it can be to be in a group where there is humor.

• Set Goals For the Important Areas of Your Life:  Rather than focusing on your disappointment and what you don't have, take some time to reflect on what you want for your future in each area of your life (personal life, career, and so on).  Then, set broad goals for how you plan to succeed in each area.  After you write down your broad goals, narrow it down by writing what you need to do in the next year (or longer), what you need to do in the next six months, in the next month, next week, etc., so you make the steps concrete and realizable (see my article: What's Holding You Back From Achieving Your Goals?).

What If It's a Major Disappointment?
Notice that, until now, I've been emphasizing routine disappointments.  Routine disappointments are things that everyone faces in one way or another fairly often.

In other words, routine disappointments aren't life changing.  But there are disappointments that are much more significant and that are harder to overcome.

For instance, if you found out that a close friend that you trusted betrayed you, that's a major disappointment, especially if it causes an unbridgeable breach in your friendship (see my article: Coping With a Close Friend's Betrayal).

To overcome major disappointments, all of the tips that I mentioned can be helpful, especially when you focus on what you're grateful for in life, but those tips aren't going to be enough for you to bounce back quickly because a major disappointment goes deep and hurts a lot.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you find that you're having a hard time rebounding from a disappointment, you might need help from a psychotherapist to work through the disappointment, especially a major disappointment (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

A major disappointment, like a betrayal of a spouse or a friend, can make you feel like your whole world is falling apart.  It can make you question your beliefs and your judgment.  It might even result in your questioning your plans and what you want to do in life.

Rather than suffering on your own, you could benefit from the emotional support and clinical expertise of a licensed mental health professional.   A skilled psychotherapist can help you overcome a major disappointment more effectively than you could on your own, so you can eventually move on with your life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many clients to overcome major disappointments so they could go on to live fulfilling lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Resilience: Remembering Your Past Comebacks So You Can Overcome a Current Setback

One of life's many challenges involves overcoming setbacks. One strategy that is helpful to develop resilience and overcome a setback is to remember your past comebacks during challenging time.

See my articles: 

Developing Resilience, Resilience: Bouncing Back From Life's Challenges

Developing a More Resilient Self in Psychotherapy

Coping With Frustration

Navigating Life's Transitions

Turning Lemons Into Lemonade During Life's Ordinary Disappointments

Resilience: Remembering Your Past Comebacks So You Can Overcome a Current Setback

During setbacks, it's easy to dwell on everything that went wrong.  It's also easy to remain mired in self blame where you're internal critic gets the best of you and paralyzes you (see my article: Overcoming the Internal Critic).

But the important thing to remember during a setback is that you bounced back during prior setbacks, possibly even worse setbacks than what you're experiencing now.

Resilience: Remembering Your Past Comebacks So You Can Overcome a Current Setback

Think of the current situation as a learning experience:

• What can you learn from the current setback?
• Are you catastrophizing and overreacting to this setback?  See my article: Are You Overreacting to Routine Disappointments?
• Are there any insights you can gain from this setback?
• How can you use what you've learned to sharpen your skills?
• Can you see any new possibilities that you weren't seeing before? See my article: Opening Up to New Possibilities and Moving Out of Your Comfort Zone.
• Are you focusing on the things that you can control as opposed to things you can't control?
• What have you done in the past that helped you with prior setbacks?

Over time, overcoming setbacks allows you to build resilience.

When you can overcome your disappointment to look at the situation clearly, you will often discover that you have dealt successfully with other challenges in the past, and you can use these same skills to overcome the current setback.

Resilience: Remembering Your Past Comebacks So You Can Overcome a Current Setback

Often, this involves changing your attitude about the setback.  If you're overcome with self criticism and telling yourself, "I knew I wouldn't be able to do it" and "I'm not good enough," you're working against yourself and making it that much harder to overcome the current setback.

But if you can develop a more objective perspective about your situation, step back and recognize that you have bounced back before, you're more likely to open up to new ways to overcome your problem.

In the long run, what's most important is not that you're having a setback, but your attitude and what you do about it.

Unresolved Emotional Trauma Can Have an Adverse Effect on Overcoming a Setback
People who have experienced emotional trauma, especially unresolved childhood trauma, often get triggered by setbacks.

If they grew up feeling powerless, unlovable or not good enough, a setback can seem like a confirmation of their negative feelings about themselves (see my article: Overcoming the Emotional Pain of Feeling Unlovable).

This is very difficult to overcome on your own.

Getting Help in Therapy
If you're finding it difficult to overcome a setback on your own and it's triggering feelings of worthlessness related to unresolved emotional trauma, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed psychotherapist, who specializes in helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: Overcoming Emotional Trauma and Developing Resilience).

A skilled trauma therapist can help you to overcome unresolved trauma that's getting triggered by the current setback.  This can help you to overcome the current challenges as well as future challenges.

Rather than suffering on your own, get the help you need so you can free yourself from your traumatic past to live a more fulfilled life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I specialize in helping clients to overcome emotional trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Feeling Empowered to Create a Joyful Holiday

During the holiday season, many people think about the childhood holidays they had with their families, which were disappointing.  As a adults, they look back on those times and feel sad as the holidays approach.

Usually, when clients talk about this in their therapy sessions with me, I remind them that, as children, there wasn't much they could do about miserable holidays because the adults were in charge.  But now, as adults, they have the power to create their own joyful holidays and their own traditions.  They're no longer dependent upon the adults to create the holiday occasion.  They can now use their own creativity to create the holiday they want.

Feeling Empowered to Create a Joyful Holiday

If spending time with your family of origin during the holidays is difficult, why not create your own holiday traditions with your family of choice--possibly, your significant other and your friends?

Developing your own holiday traditions and rituals can be fun as you use your imagination and creativity to have the kind of holiday that you desire.

I know people who consider their new holiday traditions with their spouses and friends to be their "real holiday" as opposed to their visits with their families.  Exchanging gifts, Christmas tree trimming, or Christmas caroling in their neighborhoods are among the traditions that they've incorporated with the people that they enjoy being with on the holidays.

Of course, there are many people who enjoy being with their families.  Not everyone had disappointing holidays.  But if you're someone who dreads the holidays because it brings up sad memories, remember that you're now empowered, as an adult, to create the kind of holiday that you want.

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


photo credit: andrihilary via photopin cc