How to Deal With Resentment in Your Relationship

Resentment can fester and grow until it destroys a relationship. 

Rather than allowing resentment to grow and harden, it's better to find ways to overcome resentment as problems come up.

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

What is Resentment?

Resentment can include the following:

• Anger
• Disappointment
• Discontentment
• Frustration
• Feeling mistreated
• Indignation
• Irritation
• Disgust
• Holding onto a grudge/an inability to let go of anger

Dealing With Resentment in Your Relationship

• Difficulty accepting apologies
• A chip on one's shoulder
• Animosity
• Hostility
• Hatred
• Bitterness
• Antipathy
• Antagonism
• Ambivalence about the relationship
• Ruminating about feeling mistreated
• Avoiding topics that can lead to arguments and more resentment
• Experiencing tension in the relationship
• Feeling emotionally disconnected from a partner
• Reacting in a passive aggressive way rather than confronting problems directly
• Feeling invisible
• Feeling unlovable

What Are Common Triggers of Resentment in Relationships?

Some of the most common triggers of resentment include:

• Feeling unseen and unheard by a partner
• Feeling put down/criticized
• Having unrealistic expectations of a partner
• Dealing with a partner who insists on always being right
• Dealing with a partner who is frequently forgetful or late
• Feeling taken advantage of by a partner
• Feeling burnt-out by ongoing unresolved problems in the relationship

How Does Resentment Affect a Relationship?

Resentment can affect a relationship in many different ways depending upon who feels the resentment and how long the resentment has been going on, including:

• Harboring anger and bitterness towards a partner that leads to expressing pent up anger unexpectedly and harshly
• Feeling less empathy for your partner
• Withdrawing emotionally from your partner
• Withdrawing sexually from your partner

Dealing with Resentment in Your Relationship

• Feeling disgust and/or disappointment for your partner
• Complaining a lot about your partner to others
• Feeling anxious about the relationship
• Feeling physical tension and stress-related health problems as a result of the relationship
• Feeling like you want to get away from your partner
• Feeling like your opinions don't matter to your partner
• Feeling ignored
• Feeling confusion and/or ambivalence about the relationship
• "Walking on eggshells" with your partner
• Wanting to end the relationship

How Can You and Your Partner Prevent Resentment From Building Up?

It's a lot easier to address issues as they come up instead of allowing resentment to grow and harden:

• Address problems as soon as they arise 
• Learn to communicate and express your feelings in a healthy way
• Keep your expectations realistic. Don't expect your partner to meet every single expectation that you have. Instead, focus on what's most important to you.

Tips on How to Overcome Existing Resentment

If you and your partner have avoided dealing with the resentment in your relationship, you're going to find it challenging. 

Here are some tips that can help:

• Acknowledge the Resentment: If you want your relationship to improve, you both need to be able to acknowledge your own and your partner's resentment--even if you both spent years avoiding it.

• Work on One Issue at a Time: Rather than "kitchen sinking" each other with a whole litany of complaints, focus on one issue at a time. Listen to your partner instead of getting defensive or responding by barraging your partner with your complaints.

• Be Aware of Your Part in the Resentment: You might be aware of your resentment towards your partner, but are you aware of the role you might be playing?

• Remember Your Partner's Good Qualities: In order to put your feelings into perspective and to help you reduce resentment, try to remember your partner's good qualities.

• Learn to Compromise: If you and your partner can find a compromise that you each can live with, this can go a long way to reducing resentment. By talking over the problems in your relationship, you and your partner might be able to come up with reasonable compromises so you can each feel heard and taken care of in the relationship.

Get Help in Couples Therapy

If you and your partner have been unable to work out your problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help in couples therapy.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

A skilled couples therapist can help you to identify the areas where you're stuck and help you to make decisions about your relationship--including whether you want to remain together or you want to end the relationship in an amicable way.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who works with couples.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

I've written several articles about dating and the early stages of being in a relationship (see my articles: Dating: Is It Time to Have "the Talk"?, Dating Again in Your 40s, 50s, 60s and Beyond, Are You and Your Boyfriend on the Same Wavelength About Your Relationship?

Dating: Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?

In this article, I'm focusing on one of the biggest complaints I hear about dating apps, which is that there are many people who would rather just text endlessly than meet in person.  They might come across as pleasant and personable in their text messages, but when the subject of meeting comes up, they end of ghosting whoever they've contacting via text.

Among the people who are averse to meeting in person, both men and women seem to do it, and this becomes frustrating for people who actually want to meet in person and eventually get into a relationship.

Why Do Some People Prefer to Text on Dating Apps Instead of Meeting in Person?
Let's take a look at some of the possibilities as to why there are certain people only want to text:

• They're Married or in a Committed Relationship: It will come as no surprise that many people are on dating apps, like Tinder or Bumble, are actually married or in a relationship, which they don't reveal.  They like to fantasize about meeting someone online, but they won't actually do anything about it because they want to remain in their relationship.  So, they will string potential dates along with endless texting and eventually ghost them.
• They Just Want the Attention:  Some people are flattered that they can get so many people to "like" them on a dating app, but they're not interested in actually meeting in person.  Texting endlessly is enough for them. This is another example of people who like to string others along.
• They're in an On-Again/Off-Again Relationship:  Similar to being married or in a committed relationship, the person who's in an on-again/off-again relationship uses the dating app when there are problems in the relationship knowing full well that they're going to be back in the relationship again.  It makes them feel good to know that there are other potential dates out there should their actually relationship end, but they have no intention of meeting in person for the time being.
• They Can't Tolerate More Than a "Texting Relationship:" On their profile, they say they want to be in a relationship but, in reality, being in a real relationship is more than they can tolerate emotionally, so they engage in endless texting because they like the attention and the feeling that they're connecting with someone that "likes" them enough to text back.
• They're Ambivalent About Actually Meeting Someone: As opposed to people who know from the outset that they have no intention of meeting anyone in person, the person who is ambivalent about dating can't make up his or her mind about whether they want to actually meet someone or not.  They give mixed messages in their texts or calls and, often, ultimately decide that they're not ready to meet and disappear.
• They're Afraid to Meet People in Person: Similar to the people who are ambivalent, the people who are fearful of meeting in person--even in a public place--feel comfortable texting, but meeting in person is too much for them to handle.  So, when the other person tries to get them to make a plan, they disappear.
• They're Scammers: Unfortunately, are a fair amount of scammers on dating apps.  They often steal other people's pictures (often models or actors) and set up a fake profile.  They will lavish a lot of attention on you with texts, but they always seem to have a "reason" why they can't meet in person.  Usually these people come on strong and like to say that the two of you are already in a relationship--even though you haven't even met yet. Some people fall prey to this manipulation because they're lonely and an online "relationship" is better than no relationship to them.  Eventually, if you continue to engage with these scammers, they will try to manipulate you into giving them money ("My mother needs a medical procedure, but we don't have the money.  Can you wire me the money and I'll pay you back?").  Unsuspecting people have been bilked out of thousands of dollars this way.  Even after these scams are reported to the dating app, the scammers are hard to track down.  They close out their accounts and set up another fake account.

How to Deal With People Who Only Want to Text on Dating Apps

• After a few texts and a phone call or two, if the person is unwilling to make a plan to meet in person, you might be dealing with someone who only wants to text.
• It might seem like they're paying a lot of attention to you if they're texting you 10 times a day and asking you about the minutea of your day ("Did you sleep well?" and "How is your day going?"), but they're actually wasting your time.
• If you can't get someone to make a plan to meet in person after a week or two, wish them well and move on.  There are plenty of people who actually want to meet and eventually get into a relationship without you wasting time on people who only want to text.
• Whatever you do, don't send money to people who pretend that they're in a relationship with you even though you've never met in person.
• If you do get into a situation where the other person texts you and eventually ghosts you, as frustrating and disheartening as this might be, don't take it personally.  After all, they don't know you, so it's not you that they're rejecting.  Whatever is going on with them is about them.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

When Someone You Love Rejects Your Help

One of the hardest things to endure is to experience someone you love, who is suffering, turn down your help.  You know that you all you want to do is help, but your loved one, for whatever reason, rejects your offer.  This can create a lot of conflicting feelings in you, including sadness, confusion, helplessness, frustration and anger.  It's very hard to watch your loved one in pain and not be able to do anything about it.  

Assuming that your loved one is an adult who is not seriously mentally or physically ill, the best thing you can do under ordinary circumstances is to back off and realize that your loved one isn't necessarily rejecting you personally.

For whatever reason, he doesn't want your help, and nagging and pleading with him isn't going to help. Assuming that he is an adult, the problem isn't an emergency, and he's not in danger of harming himself or anyone else, you can assure your loved that if and when he wants your help, you're ready to help him. Then, you really need to step back and take care of yourself in whatever positive ways you can to deal with this difficult situation.

When Someone You Love Rejects Your Help, You Might Have to Take a Step Back

The following scenario, which is a composite of many different cases with all identifying information changed, illustrates how to deal with a situation when someone you love rejects your help:

Karen:
When Karen came to see me, she was very worried about her 28 year old son, Michael, who had just lost his job through no fault of his own.  His company laid off half the workforce due to a financial downturn, and Michael was among the employees let go.

Karen was aware that Michael had large student loan debts and he had little in the way of savings.  When he told her about the lay off, she offered to give him money so he could get by until he found another job.  She also urged him to move back home so he wouldn't have to pay rent.  But Michael rejected her help, telling her that he could take care of himself.

Over the next few months, Karen watched as Michael struggled to find another job.  With each new rejection, Michael seemed more and more disappointed.  When she renewed her offer to help him, Michael lost his temper with her and lashed out, accusing her of not having any faith in him.  Karen was hurt and confused by Michael's response.

Karen tried to explain that she only wanted to help him, but he told her to back off.  She had never seen Michael like this before, and she was worried.  When she began having problems with insomnia, her husband, who was respecting Michael's wishes, recommended that she seek help, and this is when she called me.

We worked on helping Karen to contain her difficult emotions, to focus on herself, and to engage in better self care with regard to her eating and sleep habits.  She also began spending more time engaging in activities that she enjoyed.  She had to learn to accept that Michael was an adult who was responsible for himself, and if he didn't want her help, she had to accept it.  She also had to learn not to personalize his rejection of her help, and recognize that loved ones often turn down help.  She also learned to stop nagging him with her offers, which was having a negative impact on their relationship.  Michael interpreted these offers to mean that she had no confidence in him, even though this isn't what she meant.

Several more months went by, with Michael working whatever part time jobs he could find, until he finally found a job that was similar in responsibilities and salary to his prior job.  When Michael told Karen that he found a great new job, Karen heard the happiness and pride in his voice.   At that point, she understood why it was so important for him to reject her help so he could feel that he could take care of himself on his own.

If Your Loved One is a Harm to Himself or to Others, You'll Need to Take Action
Fortunately, this particular scenario has a happy ending, but not all situations end this happily.  As I mentioned before, if you feel that a loved one is in serious danger of hurting himself or someone else (either suicidal or homicidal or there is an imminent threat of danger), you need to take action by contacting local mental health professionals or, under the most serious and immediate circumstances, calling 911.

Under Ordinary Circumstances, If Your Loved One Rejects Your Help, Be Reassuring But Not Interfering
Under the more usual circumstances that we normally experience with loved ones, if they don't want our help, we often have to step back and back off.

I know this can be very hard to do, but continuing to insist on helping will only make your loved one dig in his or her heels even more.  Assure your loved one of your love and that, if he changes his mind, you're ready to help.  Until then, be as tactful and gracious as you can, and recognize that we can't spare our loved ones the hurt and pain that are a normal part of life.

Hopefully, your loved one will resolve the problem and resume his or her usual life, and your relationship will remain strong.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also, see my article:  Learning to Let Go and Stop Interfering in Your Adult Child's Relationship


photo credit: drewleavy via photopin cc

Are You Overreacting to Routine Disappointments?

Are You Overreacting to Routine Disappointments?

What Are Routine Disappointments?   
We all experience routine disappointments from time to time.  Rainy weather on the day you plan an outing, missing a sale for something you really like, or having to reschedule a brunch because a friend can't make it.  These are all examples of what are usually considered routine disappointments.  They're disappointing, but for most people they're not traumatic.  They're the kinds of situations that happen to everyone.  In order to preserve your own well-being and maintain your relationships, what's most important in these situations is how you respond to them.

Learning to Deal with Routine Disappointments is Part of the Developmental Process
Small children usually don't have the capacity to deal with disappointments.  It's something they have to learn over time.  Young children don't have much of a capacity to tolerate frustration.  If you've ever witnessed a small child being told by his mother that they had to leave the park to go home and the child had a temper tantrum because he didn't want to leave, you've witnessed this lack of frustration tolerance.

This is a normal part of a child's development.  If all goes well and the parents are able to weather this stage in the child's development (without either frustrating the child too much and too often, or giving in and gratifying the child's every wish), the child will learn to develop an increasing ability to handle routine disappointments as he gets older.

What Happens When Adults Haven't Learned to Tolerate Routine Disappointments?
As adults, if we don't learn to tolerate routine disappointments, we can become easily overwhelmed by stress.  We can also damage our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues.  With regard to how we respond, we need to be able to differentiate between routine disappointments and major disappointments.  Continuously responding to small disappointments as if they're major disappointments will exhaust you and can leave you feeling bitter, brittle and lonely.

Case Example
The following vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates the above:

Francine:
Francine, who was in her early 30s, wanted more than anything to be in a romantic relationship and to have close friends.  But her romantic relationships and friendships usually ended in a bad way.  Sooner or later, she would alienate people, and they would tell her that she was too demanding and disappear from her life.

By the time Francine came to therapy, she was very lonely.  The last man she dated, Tom, just ended their relationship because Francine got angry when Tom's boss sent him out of town on a business trip, and Tom asked to reschedule their date.

They were only dating for five months.  Most of the time, Tom was reliable, considerate, and easy going.  They usually enjoyed each other's company.  But, two months earlier, Francine got upset when Tom got sick and had to cancel their date.  It wasn't that she didn't believe him--she could hear that he was coughing and losing his voice.  Nevertheless, she got angry because she felt very disappointed and lonely, and she didn't want to spend the evening alone.  Afterwards, she realized that she was being inconsiderate and self centered, she apologized, and they made up.  But when it happened a second time, Tom said he felt she was overreacting, too demanding, and he had enough.

This was the ongoing pattern in Francine's life.  Usually, when she calmed down, she realized that her reactions were out of proportion to the situation but, by then, she had already alienated people.  After Tom stopped seeing her, she knew she had to change, but she didn't know how, and she was starting to feel hopeless about it.

Francine's family history was one of emotional neglect.  Her parents divorced by the time Francine was 10.  She was sent back and forth between them throughout her childhood.  They were both highly narcissistic people who had little time for her, so she spent most of her time with a succession of nannies and housekeepers.  She was given everything she could have wanted materially, but she grew up being an insecure, lonely child who had difficulty making friends.

Francine felt deeply ashamed that she was unable to keep a boyfriend or any close friends.  She had some acquaintances that she saw from time to time, but even those relationships became problematic when Francine became disappointed.

Learning Not to Overreact to Routine Disappointments

In therapy, she mourned the emotional neglect that she experienced as a child.  We worked on her self esteem and coping skills.  We also worked on how to develop and maintain friendships.  She began learning basic life skills to handle routine disappointments without overreacting. After a while, Francine also learned how to be alone without feeling lonely.  She eventually got married and had children.

It wasn't easy.  There was no "quick fix." It was a process, and it took time.

Getting Help in Therapy
Some people only realize that they are overacting to routine disappointments after they've worn themselves out emotionally and physically, and they've lost a succession of people in their lives.  

By then, it can be become a vicious cycle of disappointments, ruptures in relationships, more disappointments, loneliness and feelings of hopelessness.  

If you're motivated and willing to take the time and make the effort, a skilled therapist can help you to overcome this problem.  Rather than continuing to perpetuate this cycle, you can get help to become healthier and happier.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist.  I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Holding You Back From Achieving Your Goals?

Does this sound familiar?  You've thought about your goals.  You've written them down.  Maybe you've even set a time line for when you want to accomplish your goals.  Everything looks good on paper.  But when it comes to actually taking steps to implement your plans, you feel like something is holding you back.  You're stuck.  Whenever you try to take steps to begin your plan, you're stymied.  Then, you feel frustrated and confused as to what's holding you back.

What is Holding You Back From Achieving Your Goals?

There are many people who come up with great goals for themselves.  They're great at coming up with ideas, writing them down, and organizing their ideas. But when it comes to actually taking the necessary steps to accomplishing their goals, they freeze in their tracks.

There can be many reasons why someone gets stuck when it comes to taking action.  The reasons are as varied as the individuals who have this problem.

The following is a composite vignette about someone who has problems taking steps towards his goals:

Barbara:
Barbara dropped out of college when she was 20.  She spent most of his freshman year in college partying.  Although she did very well in high school without having to make much of an effort, all of her partying and cutting classes caused her to be on academic probation in college.  She realized she wasn't ready to be in college, so she dropped out.

What is Holding You Back From Achieving Your Goals? 

Barbara felt very ashamed that she left college and that she had been on academic probation. She had always been an "A" student. She felt that she had let down his family.  They were shocked to hear that Barbara had problems in college.

Not knowing what else to do, Barbara found a job in a retail store.  After a year of being a sales associate, Barbara was very bored at work.  During that time, she learned to be more responsible and she began to yearn for more intellectual stimulation.  She realized that she could probably work her way up in the retail business, but she wasn't interested.  So, she did some soul searching, talked to her family and friends, and she realized that she wanted to become a teacher.  In order for her to become a teacher, she needed to return to college.

As part of her goal setting, Barbara made a list of everything that she needed to do to reapply to her college.  She obtained all the information that she needed from her college, and all she needed to do was fill out the forms.  But whenever she tried to sit down to fill out the forms, she hesitated.  She kept finding other things to do, none of which were important.

With the deadline for submitting her paperwork looming, Barbara realized that her continued procrastination would cause her to miss the fall semester and she would have to wait another year to reapply.  Even the thought of remaining in her boring job didn't spur her on to take care of the necessary paperwork. She tried talking to her friends and family.  Her best friend offered to sit with her for moral support.  But Barbara found that she just couldn't do it.  Every time she sat down and attempted to complete the paperwork, the result was always the same.

Finally, Barbara's mother suggested that she get professional help because time was passing, and it was clear that she had some sort of emotional block.  Barbara chose to see a psychotherapist who was trained in clinical hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing.  Working with hypnosis and Somatic Experiencing, Barbara discovered and confronted her shame and fear of failing again. She was able to build her confidence and overcome her procrastination.

When she returned to college, Barbara had a new appreciation for being there.  She felt she had a purpose and  she was able to work on her goal to become a teacher without feeling fear or shame.

Fear and Shame Can Hold You Back:
Fear can be a powerful emotion that can stop you in your tracks if you don't know how to overcome it. The combination of fear and shame can be even more powerful.

Getting Help:  Talk Therapy Might Not be Enough
Often, talk therapy only gets you so far in overcoming the emotional obstacles that hold you back from accomplishing your goals.  

For many people, experiential psychotherapy, like EMDR, clinical hypnosis or Somatic Experience, is much  more effective for overcoming these emotional blocks.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.  I've helped many clients overcome the emotional blocks that keep them from leading fulfilling lives.  

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Turning Lemons into Lemonade For Life's Ordinary Disappointments

There's an old saying about life's everyday disappointments: When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Some people have such an extraordinary knack of being able to reframe life's inevitable disappointments to make a negative into a positive. 

Turning Lemons Into Lemonade For Ordinary Disappointments

They are the 10 or so percent of the population who are naturally optimistic. They can find the silver lining in the darkest storm clouds: Stuck in traffic? No problem, it's an opportunity to remember to breathe and relax. 

Their car needs repairs? No problem, it's an opportunity to walk and get more exercise.

Everyday disappointments and frustrations are taken in stride with their naturally positive attitude and resilience. For most of the rest of us, this is a way of being that doesn't come naturally and would need to be cultivated.

Ordinary Disappointments and Frustration

Before I go on, I want to stress that I'm referring to life's ordinary and inevitable disappointments and frustrations. I'm not referring to tragic losses or trauma. 

It would be cruel to expect, for instance, that a parent who loses a child would be looking for a silver lining in this loss--although, there are some very extraordinary people who galvanize themselves and find the strength to help others, even after tragic losses. 

Mothers Against Drunk Drivers and other similar groups are examples of this, but the ability to do that is different from reframing a loss or disappointment.

So, how can we learn to "make lemonade" when life gives us lemons? How can we learn to develop this skill that resilient and resourceful people have? And why is it important to learn this life skill?

Well, I'll address the second question first by saying that, on the most basic level, research has shown that people who have an optimistic attitude tend to be healthier and live longer. They feel confident and more in control of their lives. And, generally speaking, they tend to be happier than people who have a more pessimistic outlook on life, so the quality of their lives is better.

As to how to develop a more optimistic attitude, the first step is to have an awareness of how you think and respond to ordinary disappointments. Do you feel angry and defeated or are you able to take an everyday disappointment in stride?

To be able to determine this, you need to be able to step back in a non-defensive way and be honest with yourself. 

At times, this can be challenging, but if you can review in your mind how you handled the last few annoying incidents in your life, all things being equal, you would probably get a good sense of where you are on the optimism/pessimism spectrum. 

And I want to stress that there is a spectrum--it's not a black and white or all or nothing thing. And, of course, there are especially stressful times in life when you can feel overwhelmed and, even the most optimistic person would feel challenged, but I'm not referring to these times.

So, let's say that you've determined that you're someone who gets easily thrown by everyday disappointments and you want to learn to change the way you respond. How do you do that? My recommendation, after you learn to develop an awareness of your habitual pattern is to practice reframing these events for yourself.

Now, if you're a naturally dyed-in-the-wool pessimist, this will be challenging, no doubt about it. 

If the idea of reframing a relatively minor disappointment into a potential opportunity seems impossible for you, you might need to start by using your creative imagination to imagine how an optimistic person might look at it. Suspend disbelief and put yourself in the shoes of an optimistic person to fathom how he or she might reframe an annoyance or disappointment.

Even if, at first, this seems completely foreign to you, chances are that if you practice this diligently, you can change the way you think and respond to life's ordinary downturns. And the ability to reframe these disappointments can help you to be a more resilient and resourceful person who can respond to life in a creative way.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist who provides psychotherapy services to individuals and couples, including contemporary talk therapy, EMDR, clinical hypnosis, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapy

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with Frustration

All of us have experienced times when we've either not gotten what we wanted or we've had to deal with something that we didn't want. When we're forced to deal with these types of situations, we often feel frustrated, annoyed and disappointed.

Coping With Frustration

Learning to Cope with Frustration as Part of Personal Development:
Learning to cope with feelings of frustration is an important part of personal development. Without the necessary coping skills to overcome frustration and disappointments, we get stuck, and this adds to our emotional pain. So, how do people learn to tolerate frustration?

How We Learn to Cope with Frustration:
Ideally, we begin learning to cope with frustration as infants. Under normal circumstances, if we've had good enough parenting, we learn early on in small, manageable doses that we can't always get what we want and we sometimes have to do things that we don't want to do. If you've ever seen an infant who wants to continue playing when his mother says it's time to eat or sleep, you've likely seen an infant's reaction to frustration. There may be crying, angry flailing about, kicking, and screaming. It's a situation that certainly tests a parent's tolerance for frustration.

Over time, in small ways, if the baby is exposed to small doses of frustration, he learns that he's not always going to get what he wants but, under optimal conditions, he gets what he wants enough times so that he is satisfied.

However, if a caregiver is inconsistent and arbitrary, this can create confusion and even greater frustration for the baby. Or, if the parent doesn't set limits with the child and allows the child to have whatever he wants, whether it's good for him or not (perhaps because the parent is unable to tolerate the baby's reaction to not getting what he wants), then that child often grows up without the skills for coping with frustration. This creates problems later on when, as an adult, he has to deal with other adults who won't always accommodate him. Since he didn't learn to tolerate frustration in small doses as a child, when he doesn't get what he wants or gets what he doesn't want, it seems overwhelming. So, in other words, either neglect (and certainly abuse) as well as overindulgence can lead to low frustration tolerance in adults.

Of course, nobody can control what their parents did or didn't do when they were growing up. So, if you didn't learn to develop coping skills to deal with frustration along the way, here are some suggestions:

• When something doesn't go your way, try not to personalize it: Most of the time, when circumstances come up that frustrate you, it's not meant to be personal. So, if the grocery clerk packs your grocery in a way where the eggs break, they make a mess, and your bag breaks, most likely, he didn't do it on purpose. Or, if you're in a hurry to drive to an appointment and someone is taking a long time to cross the street, which is delaying you, maybe he's handicapped and not purposely trying to make you late for your appointment. Or, if a client is rude to you on the phone, maybe he's having a bad day that has nothing to do with you. Learn to step outside of the situation and consider that it's often not about you, even though it might be affecting you.

• If you encounter an obstacle in your path, try to find another way to approach the situation: Rather than giving up or taking it as a sign that you're a failure, try a different approach. Talk to other people who have gone through what you're going through. What did they do? Can you learn something from them? Think of it as a challenge rather than as a defeat. Think about other situations where you have overcome obstacles, recognize that you've had successes in the past, and you'll have successes in the future.

• Learn to keep things in perspective: When you're feeling frustrated, it can seem like a big deal at the time. But sometimes, depending upon the situation, a little light hearted humor can go a long way. Does it really help you to get angry, tense and miserable when things don't go your way? Usually not. So, learn to put things in perspective.

• Learn to reframe the situation for yourself: Often, how you perceive things and your attitude about circumstances can have a bigger impact on the situation than someone or something else. So, for instance, rather than feeling frustrated and fuming that your flight is delayed, take the time to do something that you wouldn't have had the time to do if the flight was on time: call your children, get caught up on your email, go to the gift shop and look for that birthday gift for your sister that you haven't had time to get yet. So, rather than seeing the delay as an obstacle, see if there are any opportunities that you can create.

• Develop a sense of confidence in yourself: If you lack confidence, this can be one of the more challenging steps, but it's an important step. Often, the difference between someone who is able to tolerate and overcome frustrating situations and the person who can't is a matter of confidence, optimism, and resilience. When you feel confident and optimistic, you're more likely to see setbacks as temporary rather than permanent obstacles in your way. Confidence and resilience can give you the extra mental, emotional and physical energy that you need to overcome a frustrating situation. If you read about some of our greatest inventors, like Thomas Edison, you'll discover that they were very persistent and resilient, overcoming one obstacle after the next to meet their goals.

• Develop positive outlets to deal with stress and maintain emotional balance: Tension and frustration are an inevitable part of life. Whether you choose to meditate, take a yoga class, go to the gym, take a brisk walk, talk to friends--whatever you choose to do, find ways to release tension and frustration rather than bottling it up, allowing it to build up, or losing your temper with the people around you.

• Learn to accept change: Learning to accept change can go a long way to helping you to cope with frustration. (Of course, I'm not talking about accepting abuse or unhealthy situations.) There is very little in life that is permanent. Relationships change, friendships change, jobs change, almost everything changes. When it's a change that we like, it's easy to accept change. But when it's a change that we don't want, it's a lot more challenging. Change is a big part of life and learning to be flexible is important to coping with some of the frustration involved with change.

• Learn to accept what you can't change: Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there are situations that are not under your control. If you know you've done your best, sometimes, you have to accept that there are some things that you just can't change, no matter what you do. This can be a humbling experience but, in most cases, it doesn't have to be devastating. Making peace with the things you can't change is far better than wasting time and effort railing at them in vain or continuing to make fruitless efforts when you could be directing your time and energy towards more attainable goals.

Getting Help in Therapy:
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, learning to cope with frustration can be overwhelming. 

If your inability to cope with frustration is affecting your relationships or getting in the way of your leading a fulfilling life, you might benefit from psychotherapy with a licensed psychotherapist.

About Me:
I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist. 

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients to learn to cope with frustration so that they lead happier lives.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.