How Can Intergenerational Trauma Affect Your Ability to Make Decisions?

In the current article I'm discussing how trauma can affect decision-making. 

Intergenerational Trauma and Fear of Making Decisions

What Are Some of the Psychological Factors For Fear of Making Decisions?

If you have this problem with making decisions, it's important to start with compassion.

Developing Self Awareness and Compassion

It's important to look beyond the surface with compassion so you won't be so hard on yourself.

In general, every person who has problems making decisions is unique and has their own set of psychological factors related to decision-making.

Here are some of the most common factors:

• Pessimism and Fear of Change: A negative or pessimistic perspective can lead to only focusing on the potential downside to every possible decision.

• Insecurity: Personal insecurities can lead to someone having difficulty with potential decisions.

• A Problem Solving Identity: Some people like to see themselves as problem solvers for themselves and for others. This helps them to feel useful and needed. However, it can also become a crutch to avoid making decisions.

• Cognitive Dissonance: Some people experience an internal conflict when faced with solutions that challenge their beliefs. This can lead to their challenging every possible solution offered to them to maintain a sense of internal consistency (see my article: Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a particular type of trauma, intergenerational trauma, an affect making decisions:

Liz

When her boyfriend, Ray, recommended that she seek help in therapy, Liz wasn't open to the idea at first. But when he talked to her about the many times she approached her problems with pessimism and fear of change, she realized she had a problem, so she sought help in therapy.

Anxiety and Fear of Change

When her therapist asked Liz about her family history, Liz revealed that both of her parents had problems making decisions because they usually feared the worst possible outcome.  

Both of Liz's parents experienced intergenerational related to severe poverty. So, even though her parents were now financially secure, whenever they had to make any decision about money, they approached the decision making process with pessimism, anxiety and dread (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

The smallest financial decision created so much anxiety that they would find a problem with any possible decision. This lead to procrastination so they made decisions at the last possible moment. This often lead to poor choices in many cases because they weren't able to think about the choices calmly so they made last minute decisions in haste.

Even as a young child, Liz understood that her parents' anxiety and dread were misplaced. She knew that, unlike earlier generations, both of her parents were in high paying professions and they could relax more about money. 

But even though Liz understood it logically, on an emotional level, she took in her parents' fears and anxiety on an unconscious level.  

This created problems between Liz and Ray because whenever they were faced with certain decisions related to spending money, like whether to buy new furniture or whether they could afford to go on vacation, Liz had so much anxiety that she couldn't make a decision.

Logically, Liz knew she and Ray could afford the furniture and a vacation, but whenever he proposed various options, she found reasons to reject everything he proposed.  She couldn't understand why she couldn't reconcile her logical thoughts with her emotions.

After hearing about her family history, Liz's therapist provided her with psychoeducation about intergenerational trauma. 

Although Liz wasn't happy to hear that she was traumatized, her therapist's explanation made sense to her, especially when she heard about the symptoms. 

Some of the symptoms of intergenerational trauma resonated with her, including:

• Persistent anxiety

• Hypervigilance (a constant state of high alert or feeling a sense of threat)

• Problems with emotional regulation

• Shame
  

• Guilt
  

Liz's therapist worked with her to prepare her to do trauma therapy. Since Liz's anxiety was so high, she needed several months of preparation and stabilization before they could start processing her trauma in trauma therapy.

Part of the preparation involved developing self compassion and better coping skills.

When her therapist assessed Liz was ready to work through her trauma, they did a combination of IFS Parts Work Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR Therapy over a period of several months.

Whenever they discovered an emotional block in the trauma therapy, her therapist used Imaginal Interweaves to help Liz overcome the block (see my article: What Are Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy?).

Even though the work took over a year until Liz worked through her trauma, she felt incremental relief along the way.

Overcoming Anxiety and Fear of Change

Over time, Liz experienced her emotions as being more in synch with her logical understanding. She was able to modify her emotions and behavior to make decisions without anxiety, pessimism or fear of change.

Whenever she considered possible solutions to problems, she was able to consider each options and make a decision without finding problems with every solution.

Trauma therapy enabled Liz to free herself from a history of intergenerational trauma.

Conclusion

If you have unresolved trauma, a good place to start is developing self awareness and compassion.

Most people don't want to create problems for themselves and others when they're trying to solve problems or make decisions, so there's usually a coherent reason. 

If the reason isn't apparent, it's often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist can help you to identify the psychological factors involved and work through the problems (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

If the problems are related to trauma, seeking help from a psychotherapist who is a trauma therapist can help you to overcome the trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life free from your history of trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Do You Know If You're Ready to Seek Help in Trauma Therapy?

Many people procrastinate getting help in therapy to deal with unresolved trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

One the one hand, it's understandable that people want to think carefully before beginning trauma therapy because it's a commitment. 

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

On the other hand, it's possible to procrastinate and overthink it to the point where years go by and you're still dealing with the impact of unresolved trauma.

How Do You Know If You're Ready to Seek Help in Trauma Therapy?

Here are some characteristics that would be helpful:

• Some Awareness and Curiosity of the Impact of the Trauma: You have some awareness that traumatic circumstances in your life have had a negative impact on you. You might not understand the full impact, but you have a sense that your traumatic history is creating problems in your present life (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

• A Desire and Willingness to Change: In addition to being aware of the problem, you have a desire and willingness to change. This includes realizing that working through trauma isn't a quick fix process (see my article: Developing Internal Motivation to Change).

• Feeling Emotionally Ready to Start the Process: You are at a point in your life when you feel ready emotionally to begin the process. Your trauma therapist will help you develop the necessary tools and skills to prepare for processing the trauma. The length of time for the preparation phase of trauma therapy varies depending upon a client's particular circumstances.

• Having the Time to Commit to the Process: You understand that trauma therapy involves a commitment of time and you can commit to once-a-week trauma therapy to work through yout traumatic history.

• A Willingness to Confront the Problem: Although you know it will be challenging, you are willing to confront the problem with help and support from your therapist. 

• An Openness to Emotional Vulnerability: You understand working on the problem will involve opening up emotionally to traumatic events from the past, but that you're in charge of deciding when you're ready to start processing the trauma and your therapist will assess with you the timing of the processing.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette is a composite of many cases (to protect confidentiality) and illustrates one possible pathway for the decision-making process:

Anna

A few years after Anna graduated college, she was aware she was having problems connecting on an emotional and sexual level with men.  

She watched videos, listened to podcasts and read articles about psychological trauma, so she had some awareness that there was something in her history that was affecting her in her present life.

Initially, she was afraid to seek help in therapy because she was feared therapy would be too overwhelming, so she thought about it for a several years and kept putting it off. But when she heard about a close friend's experience with trauma therapy, she became curious for herself.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Her friend, Carol, told Anna she was also scared to start trauma therapy at first, but she felt motivated to get help because her relationship with John was getting serious and she realized she was worrying she might create the same tumultuous relationship her parents and she really didn't want to that.

Carol told Anna that, after talking to another friend about trauma therapy, she got curious to find out what it was about. So, she had an hourlong consultation with a trauma therapist who described the process to her and she realized the therapist would go at Carol's pace. She also realized she felt comfortable with this therapist.

Carol also told Anna her therapist prepared her to process her traumatic family history using EMDR Therapy. Carol said the therapist also used Parts Work Therapy. 

Carol said she learned so much about herself and, even though she was still processing the trauma, she was beginning to feel like a weight was being lifted from her. 

She also began to realize she wouldn't repeat her parents' dysfunctional patterns and it was possible for her to have a healthy relationship with John.

Anna trusted Carol. She also knew she wanted to be more open emotionally and sexually so she could eventually get into a relationship. So she set up a consultation with another trauma therapist who was recommended to her.

During the consultation, the trauma therapist asked her what she wanted to work on in therapy. In addition, the therapist explained the different types of trauma therapy she did including:

• EMDR Therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Processing)

• Parts Work Therapy

• Somatic Experiencing

• Hypnotherapy (also known as Clinical Hypnosis)

She also explained the preparation phase of trauma therapy and that it would be Anna's decision when she felt ready to go on to the next stage, processing the trauma.

After her initial consultation, her trauma therapist helped Anna to develop the skills and tools she needed to process her trauma. 

When both Anna and her therapist felt she was ready, they began working on processing her trauma keeping in mind Anna's goal of becoming more emotionally and sexually open.

Over time, Anna noticed small positive changes in herself where she began to feel more open and curious about opening up emotionally and sexually.

Her therapist told her that setbacks are a normal part of the therapy process on the road to healing, so Anna wasn't surprised when she had a minor setback.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

When Anna began dating Bill, she felt more comfortable with him than she had ever felt in the past with other men. He was willing to take things slowly until they dated for a while.  

Over time, as she continued to process her childhood history in trauma therapy, Anna was able to open up to be more vulnerable with Bill.

She also enjoyed her therapy sessions, even though she had to process difficult memories, because she was learning about herself and she was opening up to new possibilities in her life.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have been on the fence for a while about getting help in therapy, you can start by contacting a therapist for a consultation.

Use the time in the consultation to ask about the therapy process, how the therapist works and any other questions you might have about trauma therapy.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

You might need to have more than one appointment to tell if you feel comfortable with the therapist or you might need to see a few therapists before you know which one to choose (see my article: How to Choose a Therapist).

Freeing yourself from your traumatic history can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and  Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience as a trauma therapist helping individual adults and couples to overcome traumatic experiences.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Coping with Perfectionism in Your Relationship

Perfectionism can take its toll on a relationship because it often leads to criticism, conflict and lack of emotional and sexual intimacy (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

Coping with Perfectionism in Your Relationship

Just like most other tendencies, perfectionism is on a continuum with some people being more perfectionistic than others.  

People who are perfectionists can be harder on themselves than they are on other people. 

Coping with Perfectionism in Your Relationship

Nevertheless, it can be challenging to be in relationship with someone who is a perfectionist, so it's helpful to know

• The typical signs of perfectionism
• The cause of perfectionism
• How to cope in a compassionate way if your partner is a perfectionist
• When to get help in therapy

I'll be addressing these issues in this article along with a clinical vignette as an illustration.

What Are the Signs of Perfectionism?

Some of the following signs can indicate a tendency towards perfectionism:

• Feelings of inadequacy

• A fear of making mistakes

• Being overly critical of oneself

• Obsessiveness around details

• Defensiveness around your own mistakes because making a mistake can be scary for you

• A fear of criticism or disapproval from others

• Equating self worth with accomplishments

• Shame

• Low self esteem

• A need to control

• All or nothing thinking

• Overthinking decisions or situations

• Lack of flexibility

• Procrastination due to fear of your efforts not being perfect

• Difficulty celebrating your successes
  

What Causes Perfectionism?

There are degrees of perfectionism with some people having worse problems than others.

Perfectionism is often caused by early childhood experiences with parents who had unrealistic expectations.  

Perfectionism and Childhood Trauma

Children who grow up in this environment usually try to avoid their parents' harsh criticism and judgment by trying to be perfect. But since there's no such thing as being perfect, they feel they are falling short of their parents' standards. This results in shame for them.

This creates a cycle where there is an internal push to strive to meet their parents' unrealistic expectations, but they feel they fall short again and again, which is traumatic for a child.

Having internalized their parents' disapproval for not being perfect, these individuals often grow up fearing the judgment and disapproval of others and seek to avoid those experiences by imposing unrealistic standards on themselves.  

In many cases parents who impose perfectionism on their children had parents who did the same to them.

What Are the Different Types of Perfectionists?

There are different types of perfectionists, which are described below.  People can be one of these types or a combination of types.

    Self Oriented Perfectionism

There are some perfectionists who only impose their unrealistic standards on themselves and they are more compassionate towards others.  

Self Oriented Perfectionism

Since they have internalized their parents' unrealistic standards and judgment, they have a hard time feeling the same compassion for themselves--even when it's pointed out to them.  Logically, they understand that they deserve the same compassion as they would give to someone else but, on an emotional level, they don't feel it.

    Other Oriented Perfectionism

People with other oriented perfectionism tend to impose unrealistic standards on others.  Sometimes this is with little or no awareness. In other cases people are aware but it's difficult for them to stop.

Other Oriented Perfectionism

    Socially Prescribed Perfectionism

People with this tendency feel perfectionism is being imposed on them by others.  In many cases, this is a projection of their own tendency towards perfectionism. In other cases, it's a realistic assessment of what's actually happening.

Socially Prescribed Perfectionism

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases to protect confidentiality, illustrates how perfectionism can impact a relationship and how therapy can help:

Tom and Anna

After five years of marriage, Tom and Anna, who were both in their early 40s, sought help in couples therapy to deal with the impact of perfectionism in their relationship.

Anna felt she was at her wit's end with Tom's perfectionism. She felt constantly criticized by Tom for almost everything she did, including how she stacked the dishwasher, folded the laundry, cleaned the apartment and in many other areas.

She was frustrated by Tom's procrastination when they were trying to make decisions.  She told their therapist they had been considering changing their insurance policy for a few years, but they were stalled in the process because Tom was obsessively comparing plans, weighing the pros and cons repeatedly but unable to make a decision (see my article: Overcoming Fear of Making Decisions).

Tom and Anna both agreed that his perfectionism had taken a toll on their emotional and sexual intimacy because Anna felt so much resentment towards Tom. Even though she still loved him, she didn't feel close to him.

Similar to many other people who struggle with perfectionism, Tom spoke about having parents who had unrealistic standards. His father was especially punitive when Tom made a mistake.  

This created a lot of anxiety for Tom which he tried to mitigate by getting exceptional grades, being good at sports and trying to be perfect in every way.  Inevitably, since no one can be perfect, he fell short and had to endure his father's criticism and emotional withdrawal.  

Reaching over and taking Anna's hand, Tom said he wanted to overcome his perfectionism because he didn't want to ruin their and he knew it was harmful for him as well.  So, he agreed to attend individual therapy to deal with his unresolved childhood trauma while he and Anna worked together in couples therapy to save their relationship (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Your Adult Relationship).

Using EMDR therapy, Tom's individual therapist helped him to work through his childhood trauma of feeling unlovable and inadequate.  Although EMDR therapy tends to be faster than regular talk therapy, the work wasn't fast because these traumatic experiences were so longstanding and entrenched.

He also worked on his procrastination related to his perfectionism. For instance, instead of obsessively going over insurance plans, he sought help from an independent insurance navigator who helped Tom and Anna to pick a plan that was right for them. The navigator emphasized they could change the insurance by the next month if they weren't happy with it, so this made the decision-making less daunting for Tom.

Both Tom and Anna learned to do mindfulness meditation and a breathing exercise to cope with stress in their relationship.

Their couples therapist helped each of them to get curious about their dynamic rather than getting reactive with each other (see my article: 5 Tips For Reducing Emotional Reactivity and Arguments in Your Relationship).

In addition to helping Tom to be more self aware, the couples therapist helped Anna to set boundaries with Tom when he got too picky about things (see my article: Setting Boundaries in Your Relationship).

For instance, instead of getting annoyed with his criticism about how she folded the laundry, she told him she would do it her way or he could do it (or redo it) himself.  This was challenging for Tom but, over time, he developed a tolerance for things being less than his standard of perfection.  He also stopped criticizing Anna.

Since Tom had a hard time acknowledging his successes, their couples therapist also encouraged Anna to acknowledge and celebrate Tom's successes and for Tom to learn to take that in.

For example, when he won the Salesperson of the Year Award at his company, he wanted to brush it off, but Anna took him out for a dinner to celebrate.  At first, it was hard for Tom to take in Anna's praise but, over time, he learned to get comfortable with it and feel proud of himself.

As they worked on these issues, over time, Tom and Anna gradually revived their emotional and sexual intimacy.  

There were bumps in the road, but even though progress in individual and couples therapy wasn't linear, they made progress and their relationship improved (see my article: Progress in Therapy Isn't Linear).

Coping With Perfectionism in Your Relationship

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this problem because each couple is unique, but here are some steps you might find useful:

• Acknowledge the problem and make an agreement to work on it together as a team.

• Be aware that this problem is probably rooted in early experiences that need to get worked through in therapy.

• Develop greater self awareness and a self reflective capacity.

• Tone down emotional reactivity and be responsive instead of reactive (see my article: Responding Instead of Reacting to Stress).

• Learn better communication skills.

• Develop compassion for yourself and your partner.

• Develop stress management skills, like mindfulness and breathing exercises, to cope with the stress.

• Think in terms of progress instead of perfection.

Get Help in Therapy

Perfectionism is challenging to change on your own, especially since it's usually rooted in childhood trauma.

Depending upon the problem, you might need to work individually with a trauma therapist as well as a couples therapist.

So, rather than struggling on your own seek help from a licensed mental health professional so you can have a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome their problems.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

How Psychotherapy Helps You to Open Up to New Possibilities in Your Life

All too often people are held back from accomplishing their goals because they are hindered by their personal history.  Struggling on their own, they're unable to overcome these obstacles. But psychotherapy offers an opportunity to free yourself from a history that has been holding you back (see my article: The Benefits of Therapy and What's Holding You Back From Achieving Your Goals?).

How Psychotherapy Helps You to Open Up to New Possibilities in Your Life

Usually, people don't understand how problems from the past affect them now because these underlying issues are unconscious and it's difficult, on your own, to make the connection between what happened before and what's happening now.

People, who feel stuck, tend to berate themselves for being "lazy" or "stupid" when the actual cause of the problem is unresolved emotional trauma.

While it's generally well known that the past can affect the present, it's often difficult to see this in your own personal situation.  And, even if you're able to see it, it can be difficult to overcome the underlying issues on your own.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario which is representative of these issues:

Max
Max was in a dead end job with little to no possibility of moving up or getting a raise.

He wanted to start his own business as a website developer.  He had developed websites pro bono for his friends and for nonprofit groups, and he received high praise for his skills, so he decided to develop his own website offering his skills to others for a fee.

How Psychotherapy Helps You to Open Up to New Possibilities in Your Life

Max knew there would be lots of competition because there were already many other businesses that already offered the same services, but Max wanted to give it a try.

After he developed the website for his business, he was ready to launch it, but he delayed because he had a terrible sense of foreboding.  He didn't know why he felt this way, but he decided to hold off for a while until he felt more comfortable with the idea of starting his own business.

A week turned into a month and a month turned into six months.  And, before he knew it, Max delayed launching his website for a year--even though he couldn't think of any logical reason why he was putting it off.

Whenever his friends would ask him how things were going with the launch of his website, he would tell them that he was still working on it. But his friends knew that Max was very talented and that something else had to be going on.

Finally, his best friend, John, asked Max what was going on and why wasn't he getting started with his business idea.  John knew that Max would be successful if he advertised his services, so he realized that something else had to be going on.

Max and John were friends for many years, so he felt more comfortable talking to John about it than anyone else.  He explained to John that when he was about to launch his site, he had a terrible sense of foreboding and he couldn't go ahead with it.

They talked for a long time over dinner.  John tried to convince Max to "just do it" and tried to bolster Max's confidence.  But he realized that nothing he said was having an impact on Max.  So, he suggested that Max see a therapist.

Max had been in therapy several years ago to deal with the loss of his grandmother when she died.

At the time, Max, who was very close to his grandmother, thought he would never overcome this loss, but his therapist helped him to work through his grief, so Max had a good experience of being in therapy before.  But he wasn't sure how therapy could help him now.

How Psychotherapy Helps You to Open Up to New Possibilities in Your Life

After he thought about it for a while, Max decided to return to his former therapist to see if she could help him to overcome his fear and procrastination (see my articles: Overcoming Procrastination and  Returning to Therapy).

Max told his therapist that he couldn't think of any rational reason that he was procrastinating launching his website.  He knew he had the skills and the business savvy to do it.  He also knew that he would enjoy this business.

Then, he described the sense of foreboding that came over him when he was about to launch his website.  He had no words to express the sense of foreboding that he felt in his stomach.

How Psychotherapy Helps You to Open Up to New Possibilities in Your Life

His therapist worked with the mind-body connection in therapy and she asked him to stay with the sensation as long as it was tolerable to him.  In response, Max said that, although it was uncomfortable, it was tolerable.

His therapist asked Max to just notice what happened next.

At first, Max didn't notice any change, but then he realized that the tension that was in his stomach was moving up through his chest and into his throat.  He said it didn't hurt and it was still tolerable, but it seemed odd to him.

Using a clinical hypnosis technique called the Affect Bridge, his therapist asked him to stay with the sensation and the emotions and go back to the earliest time that he could remember feeling these same sensations and emotions (see my article: Mind-Body Psychotherapy: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

At first, Max was skeptical about this, but he stayed with it and a memory came to him.  He said, "I don't know why this memory is coming up now and I don't know if it's related to what we're working on, but I'm remembering a conversation I had with my grandmother when I was four or five years old."

His therapist encouraged Max to stay with the memory, sensations and emotions and tell her what was coming up for him.

Max remembered that he used to see his grandmother everyday during that time because she lived in the apartment upstairs from where he lived with his parents.  Usually, he would have his afternoon snack with his grandmother at the same time every afternoon and they would talk.

He remembered on this particular day that his grandmother was reminiscing about her father when she was a little girl in her native country.  She had loved and admired her father very much, and she spent a lot of time with him while he worked in his workshop.

At the time, she thought her father was a genius, especially when it came to fixing things.  He had such a good reputation at what he did that people from their town and the surrounding towns would come with broken appliances or radios, after they had been to other people who told them that it couldn't be fixed, and her father fixed it without a problem.

Although he was admired by most people, there were a few people who had similar businesses who were angry and jealous because they felt he was taking business away from them.

His grandmother told Max that her father invented a farm tool that he was very proud of at the time.  He had hoped that tool, which was unique, would interest local farmers and that he would become financially successful as a result.

When word got out about her father's new farm tool, the men who were jealous of him began to spread malicious gossip about him.  They also maligned his invention.

Although people in the town generally liked her father, for some reason, they believed the gossip and began to stay away from his shop.

At first, her father didn't understand why his business had dropped off so much.  Then, word got back to him about the stories that were circulating about him, and he was stunned.

He realized that his competitors were jealous about his invention and they were behind the vicious rumors.  He also knew that the rumors wouldn't stop until he stopped trying to promote his invention, so he quietly put it away.  And, sure enough, the gossip stopped and people gradually came back to his business.

Max's grandmother remembered this time as being a very humiliating and sad time for her father, for her and the rest of the family.  When she spoke about it, she talked about her father and the rest of the family being powerless to stop what was happening at the time.

Then, she looked directly at Max and she told him, "It's better to remain humble than to be proud and try to rise above where you are or people will try to destroy you."

Max remembers feeling shocked and anxious as a child after he heard his grandmother's story about her father.  At the time, he knew that, even though this was an old memory for his grandmother, she was still very affected by it.  He could see the sadness and fear in her eyes and, as a child, he thought about it for a long time, although he didn't completely understand it because he was so young.

When Max discussed this memory further with his therapist, he had the sudden realization that this was what was holding him back.  He wasn't sure why or how, but he felt it in his gut (see my article: An Unconscious Identification With a Loved One Can Create an Obstacle to Change).

Then, he remembered many other times that his grandmother gave him similar advice based on her traumatic experiences as a child.

Although he knew that his grandmother had been traumatized and she was only trying to protect him, he also felt annoyed that he had been burdened with these ideas at such a young child.

"But how could such a memory from so long ago still be affecting me?" Max asked his therapist.

His therapist responded by telling Max that although this memory wasn't in the forefront of his mind, it had remained in his unconscious and had made an emotional impact on him at an early age, especially since his grandmother had such a big influence on him.

His therapist explained that the memory got triggered, without his realizing it, when Max was about to launch his website to advertise his services.  Even though his grandmother told him this story a long time ago, the memory remained in his unconscious mind and became the impediment to his going forward (see my article: Freeing Yourself From Family Expectations and Beliefs That Are Harmful to You).

Using EMDR Therapy, his therapist helped Max to work through this obstacle (see my articles: How EMDR Therapy Works - Part 1, How EMDR Therapy Works - Part 2: Overcoming Trauma and How Experiential Therapy, Like EMDR Therapy, Can Help to Achieve an Emotional Breakthrough).

Over time, Max was able to separate his experience from his grandmother's experience (see my article: Working Through Emotional Trauma: Psychotherapy Helps You to Separate "Then" From "Now").

Gradually, he became comfortable with the idea of launching his website and he also became open to new possibilities in his life, including that he could be a successful business owner.

How Psychotherapy Can Help You to Open Up to New Possibilities in Your Life

By the time he launched his website, he had no fear, conscious or unconscious.  He anticipated that he would enjoy his business and he would be successful.

Conclusion
Often, people are stuck for reasons that they don't understand because the reasons are unconscious.

The Affect Bridge from clinical hypnosis is one of many ways that skilled therapists, who are hypnotherapists, help clients to overcome unconscious obstacles so that clients can become open to new possibilities and new ways of seeing themselves.

Getting Help in Therapy
Clients are often surprised to discover that unconscious memories that are creating obstacles for them.

Getting to these unconscious memories on your own would be very difficult.

If you're feeling stuck and you've been unable to move forward on your own, rather than suffering alone, you can get help from a licensed mental health professional who can help you identify the obstacles and work through them.

The first step, which is often the hardest, is making a call for a consultation, but it can make all the difference between remaining stuck and freeing yourself from your history (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

In a prior blog article,  Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help: Part 1, I focused on why people often have fears about asking for help.  In today's article, I will discuss the consequences of giving into that fear and not asking for help.

Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help

Just as the reasons why people fear asking for help are many and varied, so are the consequences of not asking for help, so it won't be possible to consider every possible consequence.  But we'll look at some of the most common ones.

Procrastination
When people are afraid to ask for help, one of the things that they often do is procrastinate for as long as possible.  They might know that, eventually, they'll need to ask for help, but they will delay as long as possible.  Often, they'll bargain with themselves by telling themselves, "I'll do it tomorrow," and then tomorrow becomes the next day and the next.  This often leads to other consequences, including:

     A Situation Can Go From Bad to Worse
When people procrastinate because they're too afraid to ask for help, a situation often goes from bad to worse.  An example of this at the workplace might be that an employee feels too overwhelmed to complete a project with a deadline.  She doesn't want her boss to think she's incompetent so she keeps trying harder to complete the project, but she really knows she can't complete it in time.  Unable to overcome her fear and shame, she waits until a few days before the deadline to let her boss know that she won't be able to do it on time.

There can be worse situations that involve health issues that go from being a chronic issue to an emergency.  Or, when people are afraid to ask loved ones for financial help, assuming that their loved ones have the financial wherewithal to help, it could result in an eviction, poor credit and other similar consequences.

     A Greater Cost With Regard to Time, Money and Effort
Continuing with the same workplace example from above, at that point, this employee's boss tells her that if he had known sooner, he could have shifted other employees from less urgent projects to this one without too much of a problem.

 But because he's only hearing about it a few days before the deadline, he will have to tell these other employees that they must work overtime to get the job done.  This extra effort at the Eleventh Hour will not only inconvenience others, but it will cost the company more in terms of time, money, and effort.

     Lost Opportunities
Giving in to a fear of asking for help can result in lost opportunities.  There can be many examples of this.

The one that comes immediately to mind is one I've mentioned before in another blog article involving a student I met when I was beginning my undergraduate degree.  We were both registering for classes (at that time, you had to do this in person because there was no Internet).

This student, who was about 10 years older than me, mentioned to me that she waited 10 years to go to college, saving all of her money.  She didn't spend money on going out or buying new clothes.  She saved all of her money over the years for tuition.   She had such a fear of asking for help that she never found out, until she registered, that she was entitled to financial aid.  Instead, she put her life on hold for 10 years and made this unnecessary sacrifice because of her fear of asking for help.

A Lack of Balance and Reciprocity in Your Relationships
Reciprocity is an important element in friendships, family relationships, and romantic relationships.  In situations where you feel comfortable helping, but you're uncomfortable asking for help for yourself, most of the time, your loved ones become uncomfortable coming back to you for help.

This type of situation can create a lack of balance and reciprocity in your relationships.

I'm sure you can think of many other examples or you know of other situations either from your own personal experience or from people that you know.

Getting Help in Therapy
The point is that a fear of asking for help can have serious consequences for you and others, and overcoming this fear can be a freeing experience.  I'll focus on how to overcome this fear in the next blog post.

About Me

I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and  Somatic Experiencing therapist.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.


Also see:  Overcoming Your Fear of Asking For Help - Part 3: Some Tips.