What is the Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Psychotherapy and How Can IFS Therapy Help?

In my prior article, Why Are So Many of Us Fearful of Change While Others Embrace It?, I mentioned the approach-avoidance conflict as it relates to making changes.

The Approach-Avoidance Conflict

In the current article, I'm focusing on the approach-avoidance conflict as it relates to many clients in therapy.

What is the Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Therapy?

As I mentioned in the prior article, although many people want to make positive changes in their life, they often experience ambivalence about the change--even when it's something they really want.

As a New York psychotherapist in private practice, I see this all the time.

Since it's a common experience, if you learn to expect it, you can learn to accept and deal with that part of yourself that might want to avoid positive change.

So, let's explore this dynamic further.

In psychotherapy, the approach-avoidance conflict is a psychological state of tension that occurs when a client is simultaneously drawn towards and repelled by the exact same goal, action or dynamic.

The approach-avoidance conflict was originally introduced by Kurt Lewin, a psychologist, who described this dynamic as a "tug of war". 

This dynamic is key to understanding why at a certain stage of therapy many clients experience anxiety and stagnation about the changes they want to make.  

What is the Typical Pattern For the Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Therapy?

This conflict often operates on a predictable pattern based on how close clients are to their goal:

• The Approach to a Goal: When clients are far away from a goal, they can see the positive benefits of their goal ("the approach"). This motivates them to move forward.

• The Avoidance of a Goal: As clients move emotionally or physically closer to the goal, many of them begin to perceive negative consequences or fears ("the avoidance") which grows sharply the closer they get to their goal.

• The Point of Stagnation: Eventually, the force of the avoidance equals the force of the approach. At that point, these clients can get stuck as they experience anxiety, indecision or behavioral paralysis.

What Are the Clinical Scenarios Where the Approach-Avoidance Conflict Shows Up in Therapy?

Here are some typical examples:

Intimacy and Relationships:

• The Approach (Pull or Desire): Craving deep emotional connection and a loving relationship.

The Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Therapy

• The Avoidance (Fear): Fear of vulnerability, rejection or losing independence.

• Resulting Behavior: Sabotaging relationships just as they become serious.

Trauma Processing:

• The Approach (Pull or Desire): Wanting to heal, gain closure and reduce traumatic symptoms.

The Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Trauma Therapy

• The Avoidance (Fear): Fear of exploring traumatic memories and emotions.

• Resulting Behavior: Missing sessions or leaving therapy prematurely as the trauma work begins.

Career Change:

• The Approach (Pull or Desire): Desiring a fulfilling, high-paying and prestigious position.

• The Avoidance (Fear): Fear of failure, longer work hours or more responsibilities.

• Resulting Behavior: Procrastination in submitting a job application or applying for a promotion.

Behavioral Change

• The Approach (Pull or Desire): Wanting a healthier body and stable life.

The Approach-Avoidance Conflict and Behavioral Change

• The Avoidance (Fear): Fear of facing reality the necessary changes involved.

• Resulting Behavior: Reverting back to unhealthy behavior, missing sessions or dropping out of therapy prematurely.

How Does IFS Therapy Deal With the Approach-Avoidance Conflict?

IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy is uniquely suited for this dynamic (see my article: IFS Therapy is a Gentle Evidence-Based Therapy).

IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict

The IFS therapist deals with the approach-avoidance conflict by recognizing that clients who experience this dynamic have a clash between two or more parts of themselves.

Instead of trying to push through the conflict, the IFS therapist helps clients to overcome this dilemma by identifying clients' internal parts and identifying the positive intentions of each of the conflicting parts. She also helps clients to negotiate between these conflicting parts.

What is the IFS Therapy Framework For the Approach-Avoidance Conflict?

In IFS, the "approach" and "avoidance" aspects of clients are seen as separate parts of the client who have good intentions. There is a recognition that these conflicting parts have served the client in the past by protecting old emotional wounds:

• The Approach Part: This is usually an internal proactive protective part. This part wants to move forward, achieve goals or seek connection because doing so will bring safety, fulfillment or a sense of increased self worth.

IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict

• The Avoidance Part: This is usually a reactive protective part. It stops progress because it senses danger. It fears that moving forward will trigger an old emotional wound, shame or trauma from the past.

What is the IFS Therapy Step-By-Step Process For Resolving Internal Conflict?

The IFS therapist will guide the client through the following process to overcome the client's behavioral conflict:

Differentiating the Internal Parts: Instead of saying, "I want to change, but I can't", the therapist helps the client to reframe it: "A part of me wants very much to move forward, and another part of me is terrified to do it." In addition, the therapist helps the client to discover and embody Core Self, which is the compassionate and curious part of the client. This enables the client to look at both of these internal parts without taking sides.

• Honoring The Avoidant Part (The Protector): Traditional psychotherapy often wants to override the client's avoidance. IFS does the opposite: It focuses on the avoidant part first. The IFS therapist asks the client to get curious about the avoidant part by asking: "How is this part protecting you?" and "How did it protect you in the past?". Also, "What is this part afraid will happen if you take this step?" By validating that the avoidant part has a positive intention (e.g., protecting the client from rejection, failure or an old emotional wound), the protecting part usually loosens its grip. This usually doesn't happen immediately because the avoidant part must first learn to trust the Core Self of the client as well as the intention of the therapist.

IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict

• Facilitating Internal Negotiation: Once each of the conflicting parts feels heard and seen by the client's Core Self and the therapist, the therapist helps the client to invite these parts to talk to each other. The Core Self might ask the avoidant part, "If I promise to go very slowly and protect you, would you be willing to allow the approach part to take a small step?" Since this protective/avoidant part is no longer being resisted or ignored, it usually agrees to soften or step aside temporarily.

• Working With the Wounded Part: Ultimately, the avoidant part is hypervigilant because it's protecting the wounded part of the client. Once this protector feels safe enough to step aside, the IFS therapist guides the Core Self to witness, work through the original trauma and heal. When the underlying emotional pain and trauma have been resolved, the avoidant/protector part usually drops the avoidant behavior because the underlying danger no longer exists.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how the approach-avoidance conflict is overcome in IFS therapy:

John

When John met Donna, he felt a strong attraction to her and he asked her to go out on a date.

As they got to know each other, they both enjoyed each other's company and the new relationship energy that comes with being in a new relationship.

A few months later, as the relationship became more serious, Donna wanted a commitment from John but, even though he knew he loved Donna, he felt himself pulling away from her and he didn't understand what was happening to him.

At that point, Donna's friends told her she should end the relationship because they thought John was a "commitment-phobe".  But Donna felt John was struggling with some kind of internal conflict and she wanted to give him a chance to overcome the conflict, so she suggested that he get help in therapy.

IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict

Since John also wanted to understand why he felt so conflicted about making a commitment with Donna, he started therapy with an IFS therapist.

John had never heard of IFS therapy, but he was curious as to how it might help him to overcome his internal conflict.

Over time, as they explored John's family history, they discovered that John had an unresolved trauma related to his mother's anxiety and depression. When he was a child, John felt he was unlovable because his mother was emotionally distant and his father was often away on business.

With the help of his therapist, John realized that this old emotional wound was making him feel emotionally vulnerable with Donna in a way where a part of him wanted to escape the relationship, but another part of him wanted to remain, which reflected his ambivalence.

The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but John was motivated to work through his internal conflict about making a commitment to Donna. With the help of his therapist, he was able to see the good intention of the avoidant part of him and how it protected him in the past when he was a child.

His therapist guided John into feeling curious and compassionate towards this avoidant/protector part so that, eventually, it softened enough so he and his therapist could work on his traumatized wounded child part.

Over time, John was gradually able to let go of his fear because he had an embodied sense that, unlike when he was a child, he was now safe and more capable of being in a committed relationship with Donna.

Once he was freed from his traumatic history, John made a commitment to Donna and they moved in together with the eventual goal of getting married.

Conclusion

Although many people want to make positive changes in their life, they often experience an ambivalence about the change as the change becomes more of a reality--even when it's something they really want.

In psychotherapy, the approach-avoidance conflict is a common psychological state of tension that occurs when a client is simultaneously drawn towards and repelled by the exact same goal, action or dynamic.

This is a common experience in therapy. 

In traditional psychotherapy, therapists often try to push through the ambivalence, which can make a client feel even more ambivalent, so this usually doesn't work.

An IFS therapist recognizes that we all have many different internal parts and some of these parts are polarized so they are in opposition to each other. They also recognize that this is often outside a client's awareness, so they reach for the ambivalence so it can be worked on.

IFS therapy is ideally suited for dealing with the approach-avoidance conflict.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

If you are stuck in an approach-avoidance dilemma, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist.

Get Help in IFS Therapy

Being able to work through the conflict provides you with an opportunity to live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS Parts Work Therapist, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

I provide a free 10-15 minute telephone call before setting up an appointment.

You can contact me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.

Also See My Articles:

Fear of Change 

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior 

Strategies For Making Major Changes in Your Life 

What is Somatic IFS?

The Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

In my prior article, Intergenerational Trauma: What is the Link Between Perfectionism and Unresolved Trauma?, I looked at perfectionism through the lens of trauma that is passed on from one generation to the next.

The Connection Between Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

In the current article, I'm discussing the cycle of perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis (also known as avoidance).

Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

Perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis form a cycle where an obsession with perfection is the driver leading to avoidance (procrastination) and ultimately resulting in inaction (paralysis).

This self-sabotaging loop occurs because impossible standards create anxiety which makes starting or finishing tasks feel overwhelming and risky (see my article: Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior).

Understanding the Cycle of Fear

• Perfectionism (The Driver): Striving for impossible results, setting impossibly high standards and using all-or-nothing thinking.

• Procrastination (The Behavior): Delaying work or some other action because of a fear that the outcome won't meet the impossibly high standards. This inaction or avoidance can be disguised as "waiting for the right time".

• Paralysis (The Result): Becoming stuck and unable to start or finish a task, project or other commitment due to the pressure of wanting it to be "perfect".

How to Break the Cycle

• Be Aware: "Done is Better Than Perfect": Focus on starting and completing tasks rather than making them "perfect".

• Break Down Tasks: Divide tasks into more manageable and less intimidating parts.

• Set Time Limits: Limit the time you spend "polishing" and trying to make something "perfect".

• Practice Self Compassion: Work towards calming down your inner critic and accept that mistakes are inevitable and part of the learning process (see my article: Making Friends With Your Inner Critic).

• Work on Underlying Issues: The cycle of perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis often develops at an early age related to unresolved psychological trauma. Working through these underlying issues with a licensed mental health professional can help you to get to the underlying issues and resolution to the problem.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many different cases, illustrates the cycle discussed above and how psychotherapy can help.

Jean

Ever since she was a child, Jean approached all tasks and projects with a lot of anxiety. Her parents made her do her homework over and over again until they assessed it was "perfect" (excellent penmanship, no erasures, etc).

When she got to college, Jean had problems getting her papers in on time because her need to make everything "perfect" would cause her to either rewrite her papers many times before she could turn them in or her fear of the papers being less than "perfect" caused her to procrastinate and get the papers in late. There were times when she felt so anxious that she wasn't able to even start the papers.

Cycle of Perfectionism, Procrastination and Paralysis

One of Jean's professors, who recognized that Jean was intelligent and hard working, suggested that Jean get help in therapy to overcome these problems.

Working in trauma therapy, Jean gained insight into the origin of her problem and used the tools and strategies her therapist provided to get her papers in on time.

As part of her therapy, her therapist, who used Internal Family Systems Parts Work Therapy (IFS), helped Jean to work through these issues by getting her inner critic to soften and step aside so she could complete her tasks. Jean also learned to strengthen her Core Self so she was no longer influenced by the parts of herself that strove for "perfection".

Get Help in Therapy

If self help techniques haven't helped you to overcome perfectionism, seek help from a qualified mental health professional.

Get Help in Therapy

Overcoming the root cause of your problem can help you to work through these issues so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a Trauma Therapist, I have helped individual adults and couples over the years.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Intergenerational Trauma: What is the Link Between Perfectionism and Unresolved Trauma?

In my prior article, How a Parent's Unresolved Trauma Can Affect Their Child, I started a discussion about the potential impact for children of parents with unsolved trauma (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

The Link Between Perfectionism and Unresolved Trauma

I'm continuing this discussion in the current article by focusing on one aspect this issue,  which is perfectionism (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

Estimates vary as to what percentage of children of traumatized parents develop perfectionism, but the current estimate as of the date of this article is 25-30%.

What is the Link Between Perfectionism and Intergenerational Trauma?

Trauma-related perfectionism is passed down through biological and environmental pathways:

• Parental Modeling: Children often internalize the harsh, self critical inner voices of parents who use perfectionism to cope with unresolved trauma.

• Epigenetic Predisposition: Chronic stress and trauma in parents can influence gene expressions related to anxiety and chronic stress, potentially exposing children to perfectionistic tendencies.  

• Parentified Roles: Children who are forced to take on adult responsibilities or care for a parent's emotional needs may use perfectionism to fulfill these overwhelming obligations (see my article: What is Parentification and Why Is It Traumatic?).

Signs of Trauma-Based Perfectionism

Unlike healthy striving for excellence, trauma-based perfectionism is driven by fear and shame. 

This includes:

• All-or-Nothing Thinking: Viewing any minor mistake as a total failure or proof of inherent unworthiness (see my article: Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking).

The Procrastination Paradox

• Procrastination Paradox: Avoiding tasks entirely because the fear of doing them imperfectly is paralyzing

• Chronic Self Criticism: A persistent internal dialog that equates mistakes with being "bad" or at risk for abandonment

Support the Healing Process

If your child is experiencing perfectionistic tendencies related to intergenerational trauma, healing begins with you:

• Create a Nonjudgmental Space: Create an environment in your home where mistakes are welcomed and met with curiosity instead of judgment.

Create a Nonjudgmental Environment

• Practice Compassion: Help your child to distinguish their worth from their achievements.

• Get Support For Yourself in Trauma Therapy: Healing begins with you. If you have unresolved trauma, get help in trauma therapy so you can become a parental model of mental health. Trauma therapy modalities include:

• Parts Work Therapy (IFS and Ego States Therapy)
  

• Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP)
  

• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

• Somatic Experiencing (SE)
  

• Get Help For Your Child: Seek help from a licensed mental health professional who does trauma-informed therapy for children. Therapist directories like Psychology Today can provide you with referrals to psychotherapists who work with children in your area.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Articles:

How Trauma Therapy Can Help You to Overcome Unresolved Trauma

The Potential Long Lasting Impact of Trauma 

How a Parent's Unresolved Trauma Can Affect a Child 

You Are Not Defined By What Happened to You 

 

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

Becoming aware of your recurring self sabotaging behavior requires a willingness to explore your patterns with self compassion.

What is Self Sabotaging Behavior?

Self sabotaging behavior often begins with unconscious thoughts and emotions that create roadblocks to your personal growth, well-being, goals and success (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Self sabotaging behavior usually involves a conflict between what you want and your unconscious fears or insecurity.

What Causes Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The root of self sabotaging behavior often begins in early childhood. This might include early messages from parents that you're not good enough or you're unlovable. 

These traumatic messages usually get internalized at a deep unconscious level so that, as an adult, you might not recognize the origin of your self sabotaging behavior (see my article: Overcoming Trauma: You're Not Defined By Your History).

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

Growing up in a chaotic, unpredictable environment can create a fear of change so that you remain stuck in unhealthy ways of being (see my article: How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?).

In addition, you might equate what is familiar to you, including self sabotaging behavior, as "safety" even if you are aware that it's unhealthy. In other words, you might prefer what is known, including unhealthy behavior, to what is unknown, including trying to develop healthier ways of coping.

Self sabotaging behavior is often triggered by stressful situations. 

When you have little to no awareness about what triggers your behavior, your pattern continues because, instead of exploring what triggered the behavior, you fall into the trap of continuing to enact the same self destructive patterns (see my article: What is Self Abandonment?).

What Are Examples of Self Sabotaging Behavior?

The following are a few examples of self sabotaging behavior:

• Procrastination: Delaying tasks to avoid potential failure or judgment including self judgment (see my article: Overcoming Procrastination)

• Perfectionism: Setting unrealistic standards which causes stagnation (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism)

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Escapism: Using unhealthy coping skills to avoid dealing with uncomfortable emotions. These unhealthy coping skills might include excessive drinking, illicit drugs, compulsive gambling, overspending and other attempts to escape

• Relationship Sabotage: Pushing people away, avoiding vulnerability or creating conflict in a relationship as a way to create emotional distance

• Negative Self Talk: Self criticism which erodes your self esteem

• Avoiding New Opportunities: Ignoring or withdrawing from new challenges or opportunities for growth (see my article: Opening Up to New Possibilities in Your Life)

• Remaining Stuck in Unhealthy Familiar Patterns : Refusing to try new things because what is familiar feels "safer" even if it is self destructive

How to Overcome Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotaging Behavior

• Awareness: In order to change any kind of unhealthy pattern of behavior, you must first become aware of the pattern. This means that, instead of blaming others or "bad luck", you need to look at how you are contributing to your problems. Self compassion is an important part of this step because if your awareness triggers self criticism, you can get stuck in a loop of unhealthy behavior. This involves taking a step back and looking for recurring patterns of behavior. For instance, if you have problems with relationship sabotage, you become aware of your contribution to recurring problems in relationships.

Overcoming Recurring Patterns of Self Sabotage

• Identify Triggers and Recurring Patterns: Track your actions to identify your triggers and recurring patterns. For instance, you might realize in hindsight that a pattern of procrastination starts with your fear of failure. You can do this by journaling about your thoughts, emotions and behavior, including recurring unhealthy patterns. After you have identified the patterns, write about how you want to handle these situations.

• Challenge Your Negative Thoughts: Replace negative thoughts with realistic positive thoughts (see my article: Overcoming Habitual Negative Thoughts).

• Set Manageable Goals: Since feeling overwhelmed can trigger avoidance behavior, break down big tasks into smaller parts to reduce the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed.

• Learn to Be in the Present Moment: Develop healthy habits, like practicing breathing exercises and mindfulness, to be in the present moment rather than allowing your thoughts to project too far into the future. 

Get Help in Therapy

Recurring patterns of ingrained self sabotaging behavior can be difficult to identify and even more challenging to change on your own because these patterns often start at a young age before you realize it.

Get Help in Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping clients to change self sabotaging behavior.

Once you have freed yourself from these unhealthy behaviors, you can live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have over 25 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Article:

Overcoming Self Sabotaging Behavior 

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Self-sabotaging behavior is a pattern of thoughts and behavior that can hinder your well-being, relationships, personal health and goals.

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Examples of Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Examples of self-sabotaging behavior include (but are not limited to):

• Procrastination
• Negative self talk
  
• Perfectionism
• Avoidance of opportunities

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior

• Avoidance of problem solving
• Substance abuse
• Relationship sabotage
• A pattern of choosing unhealthy relationships
• Overcommitting time and money

Why Do People Engage in Self-Sabotaging Behavior?

There can be many reasons why individuals engage in self sabotaging behavior including:

• Fear of failure, disappointment and rejection: Avoiding taking steps to prevent potential failure, disappointment and rejection

• Low self esteem: An individual's belief that they don't deserve to succeed or be happy

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior

• Fear of success: Success can come with additional stress and pressure

• Maladaptive coping: An unconscious strategy to avoid feeling vulnerable or avoid coping with unresolved trauma (see my article: Changing Maladaptive Coping Strategies: Avoidance)

• Cognitive dissonance: Behavior that aligns with a negative self perception to reduce inner conflict (see my article: Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance For You and Your Loved Ones).

How Can You Stop Self-Sabotaging Behavior?

If you recognize a pattern of self-sabotaging behavior, it's best to work with a licensed mental health professional to help you to develop the necessary awareness, coping skills and strategies.

In addition to working with a therapist, here are some tips that might be helpful with certain types of self-sabotaging behavior:

• Examine the Root Causes: Look for self-sabotaging patterns in your life. Often, self-sabotaging behavior stems from earlier experiences or childhood trauma (see my article; How is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

• Stop Procrastinating: A common factor in procrastination includes lack of emotional regulation. Develop a strategy to take care of things as they come up so you don't fall behind in taking care of your responsibilities (see my article: Overcoming Procrastination).

Overcoming Self-Sabotaging Behavior

• Don't Make All-or Nothing-Decisions: For example, if you want to save more money, do it incrementally instead of saving your entire salary and then not having enough money to take care of rent, bills and daily expenses (see my article: Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking).

• Aim For Excellence and Not Perfection: This is closely related to all-or-nothing thinking. Make small improvements that further your goals rather than trying to achieve your goals all at once (see my article: Overcoming Perfectionism).

Psychotherapy For Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Self-sabotaging behavior can be difficult to change on your own.

Getting Help in Therapy

A licensed mental health professional, who has an expertise in helping clients to overcome self-sabotaging behavior, can help you to get to the root of your problems and provide you with tools and strategies to change.

People who engage in self-sabotaging behavior often wait until their situation is dire before they get help, so if you self sabotage, be aware that it's easier to get help sooner rather than later when your situation has turned into a crisis.

Getting help in therapy to overcome self-sabotaging behavior can make your life more manageable and fulfilling.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapy.

I work with individual adults and couples and, as a trauma therapist, I have helped many clients to overcome self-sabotaging behavior. 

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How Can Intergenerational Trauma Affect Your Ability to Make Decisions?

In the current article I'm discussing how trauma can affect decision-making. 

Intergenerational Trauma and Fear of Making Decisions

What Are Some of the Psychological Factors For Fear of Making Decisions?

If you have this problem with making decisions, it's important to start with compassion.

Developing Self Awareness and Compassion

It's important to look beyond the surface with compassion so you won't be so hard on yourself.

In general, every person who has problems making decisions is unique and has their own set of psychological factors related to decision-making.

Here are some of the most common factors:

• Pessimism and Fear of Change: A negative or pessimistic perspective can lead to only focusing on the potential downside to every possible decision.

• Insecurity: Personal insecurities can lead to someone having difficulty with potential decisions.

• A Problem Solving Identity: Some people like to see themselves as problem solvers for themselves and for others. This helps them to feel useful and needed. However, it can also become a crutch to avoid making decisions.

• Cognitive Dissonance: Some people experience an internal conflict when faced with solutions that challenge their beliefs. This can lead to their challenging every possible solution offered to them to maintain a sense of internal consistency (see my article: Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a particular type of trauma, intergenerational trauma, an affect making decisions:

Liz

When her boyfriend, Ray, recommended that she seek help in therapy, Liz wasn't open to the idea at first. But when he talked to her about the many times she approached her problems with pessimism and fear of change, she realized she had a problem, so she sought help in therapy.

Anxiety and Fear of Change

When her therapist asked Liz about her family history, Liz revealed that both of her parents had problems making decisions because they usually feared the worst possible outcome.  

Both of Liz's parents experienced intergenerational related to severe poverty. So, even though her parents were now financially secure, whenever they had to make any decision about money, they approached the decision making process with pessimism, anxiety and dread (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

The smallest financial decision created so much anxiety that they would find a problem with any possible decision. This lead to procrastination so they made decisions at the last possible moment. This often lead to poor choices in many cases because they weren't able to think about the choices calmly so they made last minute decisions in haste.

Even as a young child, Liz understood that her parents' anxiety and dread were misplaced. She knew that, unlike earlier generations, both of her parents were in high paying professions and they could relax more about money. 

But even though Liz understood it logically, on an emotional level, she took in her parents' fears and anxiety on an unconscious level.  

This created problems between Liz and Ray because whenever they were faced with certain decisions related to spending money, like whether to buy new furniture or whether they could afford to go on vacation, Liz had so much anxiety that she couldn't make a decision.

Logically, Liz knew she and Ray could afford the furniture and a vacation, but whenever he proposed various options, she found reasons to reject everything he proposed.  She couldn't understand why she couldn't reconcile her logical thoughts with her emotions.

After hearing about her family history, Liz's therapist provided her with psychoeducation about intergenerational trauma. 

Although Liz wasn't happy to hear that she was traumatized, her therapist's explanation made sense to her, especially when she heard about the symptoms. 

Some of the symptoms of intergenerational trauma resonated with her, including:

• Persistent anxiety

• Hypervigilance (a constant state of high alert or feeling a sense of threat)

• Problems with emotional regulation

• Shame
  

• Guilt
  

Liz's therapist worked with her to prepare her to do trauma therapy. Since Liz's anxiety was so high, she needed several months of preparation and stabilization before they could start processing her trauma in trauma therapy.

Part of the preparation involved developing self compassion and better coping skills.

When her therapist assessed Liz was ready to work through her trauma, they did a combination of IFS Parts Work Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR Therapy over a period of several months.

Whenever they discovered an emotional block in the trauma therapy, her therapist used Imaginal Interweaves to help Liz overcome the block (see my article: What Are Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy?).

Even though the work took over a year until Liz worked through her trauma, she felt incremental relief along the way.

Overcoming Anxiety and Fear of Change

Over time, Liz experienced her emotions as being more in synch with her logical understanding. She was able to modify her emotions and behavior to make decisions without anxiety, pessimism or fear of change.

Whenever she considered possible solutions to problems, she was able to consider each options and make a decision without finding problems with every solution.

Trauma therapy enabled Liz to free herself from a history of intergenerational trauma.

Conclusion

If you have unresolved trauma, a good place to start is developing self awareness and compassion.

Most people don't want to create problems for themselves and others when they're trying to solve problems or make decisions, so there's usually a coherent reason. 

If the reason isn't apparent, it's often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist can help you to identify the psychological factors involved and work through the problems (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

If the problems are related to trauma, seeking help from a psychotherapist who is a trauma therapist can help you to overcome the trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life free from your history of trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.