How to Use Pattern Interruptors to Stop Overthinking

This article is the second part on the topic of overthinking (see my article: Tips on How to Stop Overthinking).

What is Overthinking?

Overthinking or worrying can include overanalyzing and rumination about negative thoughts.

Overthinking, Worry and Rumination

Overthinking can also result in chain reaction thinking where someone worries about the future in terms of "What if...." thinking (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?).

In other words, they worry about all the things that could go wrong--even when there's no objective reason to worry about these things:

• "What if I get sick? Then I can't work. Then I can't pay my bills. Then I'll lose my apartment and I'll be homeless."

• "What if my partner leaves me? Then I'll be all alone. Then I'll never meet anyone else. Then I'll be alone forever and I'll feel like a loser."

If someone gets stuck in overthinking and chain reaction thinking this often results in procrastination because the person gets stuck in a cycle of rumination and worry. 

In addition, someone can become mentally and emotionally paralyzed because chain reaction thinking leads to a pessimistic outlook on the future, which can leave them feeling helpless and hopeless as they anticipate everything that could possibly go wrong.

People who overthink often try to eliminate any possibility of failure and external judgment or criticism. This can keep them in an ongoing cycle of worry and overthinking without making a decision (see my article: Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time).

What is at the Root of Overthinking?

For many people the root of overthinking and excessive worrying is fear of separation or loss.

Using Pattern Interruptors to Stop Overthinking

People who have a history of trauma often don't know how to manage their fears, especially when they're triggered in ways that bring them back emotions related to unresolved trauma (see my article: How Unresolved Trauma Can Affect You).

How Can You Manage Your Fears to Stop Overthinking and Worrying?

Managing a fear that can develop into overthinking and worry can be challenging, especially if this is an ingrained pattern for you.

Here are some suggestions that might work for you:

Managing Your Emotions: An important part of managing fear so you don't get stuck in overthinking and rumination is learning to learn emotional self regulation (see my article: How to Manage Your Emotions).

De-identifying With Your Fear: De-identifying with your fear involves being able to separate who you are at your core from your fear. This allows you to cope with your fear by maintaining equanimity.  De-identification from your fear can include:

• Doing Mindfulness Meditation: Rather than getting stuck in chain reaction thinking, you observe your fears in a calm and centered way (see my article: How to Practice Mindfulness Meditation).

• Tuning Into Your Senses: When you bring your awareness to your body,  you can tune into your senses in terms of what you're seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling and tasting (if taste is applicable). This can help you to calm yourself and separate yourself from your rumination (see my article: What is Somatic Awareness?).

• Doing a Body Scan Meditation (see my article: How to Do the Body Scan Meditation)

• Grounding and Centering Yourself (see my article: How to Use Grounding to Calm Yourself)

Regaining Perspective

• Asking Yourself: How would I feel about this 5 years from now?

• Asking Yourself: How would a friend I admire (someone who doesn't get stuck in worry and rumination) handle this?

• Looking at Google Earth: Looking at your neighborhood and zooming out to a larger view where you can see the Earth floating in space helps you to put your problem in perspective.

• Looking at the Ocean: Standing on the shore and looking at the vastness of the ocean could put your problem in perspective.

• Remembering Experiences With Past Worries: Can you think of times from the past when you got stuck worrying about problems that either never materialized or were minor compared to what you feared? Is it possible that the current problem might be similar?

• Becoming Aware of What You Can and Can't Control: The Serenity Prayer can remind you of the things you can and can't control. If the problem is something you can't control, this can take some of the pressure off you. If it's something you can control or there are aspects of the problem you can control, you can take action.

How Can Ego States Therapy/Parts Work Help?

As I've mentioned in prior articles about Ego States Therapy, a form of Parts Work, we are all made up of a multiplicity of selves (see my article: How Parts Work Therapy Helps to Empower You).

Getting Help in Therapy

Most people are familiar with this concept based on John Bradshaw's writing about the Inner Child. However, the Inner Child is only one part of the many parts that make up who we are.

When I work with clients who have a tendency to overthinking things, I help them to identify the worrying part as one aspect of themselves. The worrying part is not all of who they are. It's just one part.

There are also other parts of the self that can be related to the worrying part as well as other parts that can empower clients.

If a client has a tendency to overthink, worry and get stuck in rumination, that part often has a long history going back to unresolved trauma. So, there is probably a particular part that gets activated in certain situations.

Clinical Example of Using Ego States Therapy/Parts Work to Overcome Overthinking

The following fictional vignette is based on composites of real situations with all identifying information removed to protect confidentiality:

Jane

Jane got highly anxious whenever tax season rolled around. Whenever she gathered her tax information, she felt highly anxious and fearful. She would ruminate about filing taxes, procrastinate to avoid doing them, and then rush to get the taxes filed at the last minute, which created even more stress and anxiety. 

When she spoke to her therapist about this, Jane discovered that doing taxes activated a young part of her who watched her parents get into huge arguments about taxes and finances in general. 

Her therapist used Ego States Therapy to give that younger part a voice. Then, she helped Jane to use the adult part of her, the part who knew objectively that she had nothing to worry about, to talk to her younger part to reassure her.  

This type of reassurance is something Jane never experienced when she was a child and as she and her therapist continued to work in this way, Jane felt her younger self relaxing, especially when Jane's adult self reassured her younger self by saying, "It's okay. You don't have to worry about this. The problems your parents had are in the past. I'm taking care of this now so you don't have to worry about it."

Over time, Jane discovered other parts of herself through her work in Ego States Therapy, and she felt empowered. 

Gradually, she overcame her fear of filing taxes and other similar fears.

Conclusion

Overthinking, rumination and worry are common problems for many people.

You can learn to interrupt your pattern of overthinking and worrying by using the tools discussed in this article.

If you find that the self help tools in this article aren't enough to help you overcome your problem, you can seek help from an Experiential Therapist who does Parts Work or other types of experiential therapy that involve the mind-body connection (see my article: Why Experiential Therapy is More Effective Than Regular Talk Therapy to Overcome Trauma).

Getting Help in Experiential Therapy

Experiential therapy includes mind-body oriented therapies including:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

• Ego States Therapy/Parts Work/Parts Work
• 
  
• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) 

• Somatic Experiencing and other similar therapies.

A skilled Experiential therapist can help you to overcome the thought patterns that are disrupting your life.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an Experiential therapist so you can free yourself from your traumatic history and live a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Tips on How to Stop Overthinking

What is Overthinking?

Overthinking, which is also called rumination, is when you dwell on the same thought, feeling or situation over and over again. 

When overthinking is habitual, it can be disruptive to your life.

How to Stop Overthinking

Overthinking usually falls into two categories: Ruminating about the past or worrying about the future (see my article: Tips to Cope With Chronic Worrying).

Engaging in habitual overthinking is unproductive and can make you feel stuck. 

How to Stop Overthinking

For instance, if you're trying to make a decision and you continuously ruminate about it, you might find it increasingly difficult to make the decision and miss an important deadline (see my article: Fear of Making Decisions: No Decision Becomes a Decision in Time).

When Does Overthinking Become Unhealthy?

Overthinking can become unhealthy when it:

• Prevents you from taking action

• Interferes with your daily life

• Creates stress in your life

• Has a negative impact on your sense of well-being

What Are the Signs of Overthinking?

• Having the same recurring thoughts, worries or fears over and over

• Getting stuck in imagining worst case scenarios

• Replaying a negative event from the past in your mind over and over again

• Repeatedly worrying about a future event

• Getting stuck in negative thoughts so that you have difficulty concentrating on anything else

• Continuously rethinking decisions you have already made

• Being unable to move on to the next step in a decision-making process because you're stuck ruminating about steps you have already taken

How Are Cognitive Distortions Connected to Overthinking?

People who engage in cognitive distortions tend to engage in overthinking (see my article: How Psychotherapy Can Help You Overcome Cognitive Distortions).

How to Stop Overthinking

Cognitive distortions include but are not limited to:

• All or Nothing Thinking: Things are either black or white

• Catastrophizing: Focusing on the worst possible outcome in a situation

• Overgeneralizing: Making an assumption that things will always be a certain way based on few examples

• Jumping to Conclusions: Assuming. you know how things will turn out based on little to no evidence

• Mind Reading: Believing you know what someone else is thinking without any evidence

Why Do People Engage in Overthinking?

Some people are more prone to be overthinkers than others.

Perfectionists and overachievers are often overthinkers. This is often due to their need to be perfect and their fear of failure (see my articles: Overcoming Perfectionism and The Connection Between Perfectionism and Shame).

Is Overthinking Connected to Other Mental Health Issues?

Overthinking isn't a mental health disorder, but it's often connected to:

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) 

• Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

How is Overthinking Connected to Stress?

High levels of stress can lead to overthinking among people who have a tendency to overthink situations.

How to Stop Overthinking

Overthinking, in turn, can create a high level of stress, especially when people feel stuck in a pattern of rumination and worry.

Basic Tips That Can Help You to Stop Overthinking

In my next article, I'll focus on a particular tool called a pattern interruptor (see my article: How to Use Pattern Interruptors to Stop Overthinking).

For now, here are some basic tips for overcoming overthinking that might work for you:

• Practice Mindfulness: Become aware of your particular way of overthinking and just observe it in a nonjudgmental and self compassionate way.

How to Stop Overthinking

• Keep a Journal: Journaling helps you to become aware of the particular issues you ruminate about so you can begin to see your specific pattern of overthinking.

• Challenge Your Thoughts (see my article: Your Thoughts Aren't Facts)

• Get Perspective From Close Friends: People who know you well are probably aware of your tendency to overthink things. You can get feedback from them in terms of what patterns they have noticed in you.

Seek Help From a Psychotherapist

• Seek Help From a Licensed Mental Health Professional: A skilled psychotherapist can help you to stop overthinking. Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in helping people who tend to engage in overthinking.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist

I work with individual adults and couples.

One of my specialties is helping clients to overcome trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance For You and Your Loved Ones

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is the psychological discomfort you feel when you hold contradictory thoughts, beliefs values, or attitudes as it relates to your decisions and behavior (see my article: Living Authentically Aligned With Your Values).

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

When there's discomfort due to inconsistencies in what you believe and how you behave, you tend to do whatever you can to minimize your discomfort.

You might attempt to relieve your discomfort by avoiding, rejecting, minimizing or explaining away any information that highlights the fact that your behavior and your beliefs aren't in alignment (see my article: Understanding Internal and External Defense Mechanisms - Part 1 and Part 2.

What Are the Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance?

• You feel uncomfortable before you make a decision or take action which goes against your values and beliefs.

• You try to rationalize a decision or an action you have taken (this includes rationalizing to yourself as well as others).

Telltale Signs of Cognitive Dissonance

• You feel embarrassed or ashamed of a decision you have made or an action you have taken so you try not to think about it and you also try to hide it from others.

• You feel regret, guilt or shame about something you have done in the past.

• You do things that are against your values and beliefs due of social pressure and because you don't want to feel left out.

What Are Examples of Cognitive Dissonance?

The following are examples of cognitive dissonance, which you might recognize in yourself:

• You know that smoking cigarettes (or vaping) is harmful to your health, but you rationalize continuing to smoke (or vape) by telling yourself that you're experiencing a lot of stress and you'll give up tobacco tomorrow.

• Your doctor told you that you need to stop drinking because you have liver damage, but you find ways to justify continuing to drink by telling yourself you'll give up drinking as part of your New Year's resolutions. But you don't stop by the deadline you've given yourself.  Despite the fact you haven't stopped, you tell yourself (and others) you can stop at any time.

Cognitive Dissonance Related to Your Health and Well-Being

• You want to lose weight, but you consistently overeat and tell yourself you'll start the diet next week. 

• You value your personal integrity, but you're having an extramarital affair and you're lying to your spouse about what you're doing when you're with your affair partner (see my article: The Allure of the Extramarital Affair).

• You made a commitment to your spouse to tackle a task at home, but while your spouse is out, you spend the day on your computer. When your spouse gets home, you say you'll get started on the project tomorrow, but you keep finding ways to put off doing it. You also get annoyed when your spouse wants you to be accountable.

• You make a commitment to yourself that you'll save a certain amount of money by a specified date, but you spend any extra cash you get before you save it.

What Kinds of Situations Can Lead to Cognitive Dissonance?

• External Pressure and Expectations: You might feel forced to comply with external expectations from your work, school or in a social situation that go against your beliefs, values or attitudes. Here are examples:

• Your boss says you must lie to a client you value and put your relationship with the client in jeopardy in order to increase your sales (see my article: Coping With a Difficult Boss).

Cognitive Dissonance and External Pressure

• You're with friends who are engaging in racial slurs and, even though you feel uncomfortable because racism is against your values, you don't say anything because you fear being ostracized from the group, but you also feel ashamed of yourself.

• You're in a monogamous relationship and being faithful to your partner is an important value to you. But you're at a bar with your buddies, they pressure you to pick up a woman at the bar and take her home. Initially, you refuse and they respond by calling you "whipped" and a "wuss." So, you go along with taking a woman home and cheating on your partner because you can't handle your friends' pressure and derogatory comments. Afterwards, you feel ashamed, but you justify your decision by telling yourself that you're not married so you can sleep with other women--even though you promised your partner to be faithful (see my article: Are Toxic Secrets Ruining Your Relationship?)

• Decisions: You're in conflict about two options when you're trying to make a decision. You can only choose one option, which makes you feel uncomfortable.  After you make a choice, you realize you made the wrong decision. You try to make yourself feel better about the conflict by justifying why you made a particular choice.

• New Information: You receive new information about a decision you made that reveals you didn't take into account all the information relevant to your decision. To ward off feelings of discomfort, you either discredit the information or find other ways to justify your behavior--even though you know the choice you made was harmful to you and others.

What is the Impact of Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance makes you feel uncomfortable, and the greater discrepancy between your behavior and your attitudes, beliefs and values, the more uncomfortable you're likely to feel.

Your discomfort can include the following:

• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Shame
• Embarrassment
• Sadness
• Regret
• Anger towards yourself
• Disappointment in yourself
• Stress

Over time, cognitive dissonance can erode your sense of self and impair your self esteem.

You might try maladaptive ways to reduce your discomfort by:

• Engaging in denial by convincing yourself you didn't behave in a way that was against your values or beliefs

• Maintaining toxic secrets and hiding your behavior from your partner, your family and other significant people in your life

• Seeking only information that conforms to your behavior, which is called confirmation bias, and which has a negative impact on your ability to think critically.

Coping With Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

So far, I've provided maladaptive examples of how you might be trying to deal with cognitive dissonance.

Here are more adaptive ways of coping:

• Slow Down and Develop Greater Self Awareness: Instead of finding ways to deny your internal conflicts, become aware of these conflicts and the negative impact they have on you and your loved ones. You can try doing this through a mindfulness meditation, journaling or seeking emotional support from a trusted friend who can be compassionate and objective.

Coping with Cognitive Dissonance in a Healthy Way

• Clarify Your Beliefs, Attitudes and Values: Take time to think carefully and make a list about what's important to you in terms of your beliefs, attitudes and values.

• Practice Self Compassion: Instead of beating yourself up, practice self compassion, which is essential for emotional healing.

• Make a Plan For Real Change: After you have clarified what's most important to you, make a plan for real change. For example, if you want to stop smoking (or vaping), make a plan to get help that will be effective and one that you can maintain.

• Engage in Self Care: Reflect on what you need to do to take care of yourself without making excuses and then stick with your plan.

• Get Help in Therapy: Coming to terms with the conflicts between your behavior and your values can be difficult, especially if you're in the habit of making excuses, deceiving yourself and others or finding loopholes for your behavior.  A skilled therapist can help you to:

• Discover the underlying issues that have created this problem

Get Help in Therapy

• Develop the necessary internal resources and coping skills to overcome these issues

• Develop a plan to make changes

• Help you to stick with your plan and avoid the pitfalls and obstacles from the past

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Parts of Yourself

In my prior article,  Are You Approaching Your Problems From an Adult or Inner Child Perspective?, I discussed how Ego States therapy can help you to become aware of which aspect of yourself is active in any particular situation and how to shift from one self state to another self state that would be more effective.  

In the current article, I'm providing another possible way to access self states through writing. Throughout this article, I'll be using the terms parts, self states and aspects of self interchangeably.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Parts of Yourself

A psychotherapist who does Ego State therapy introduces clients to the idea that everyone is made of many different inner parts.

Many people are already familiar with the concept of the inner child as an internal aspect of themselves.  An Ego States therapist furthers this idea to include many other aspects of the self.  For instance, an adult might have an adolescent self who is operating in a particular situation as I discussed in the prior article.

The aspects of self might also be identified by a particular attitude.  For instance, adult aspects might include a judgmental self, a fearful self, a self who becomes emotionally paralyzed/freezes at times, and so on.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Aspects of Yourself
Becoming aware of your self states and making shifts between self states is easier when you have a psychotherapist who does Ego States therapy, but not everyone has access to an Ego States therapist, so you can also access your various self states through writing.

Before you can have a dialogue between self states, you need to identify the self states that are involved in a particular situation.

In order to become aware of self states, you don't need to worry about what you call the particular self states.  You can use whatever names that feel right to you or you can even call them Part A and Part B if you're really not sure how to identify them.

What's more important than labeling them is developing an understanding of each self state.  At first, this might be a very basic understanding and, as you continue to work with these parts, you can develop a more in-depth understanding.

Here's A Fictional Example:
Ted
Ted is ambivalent about going back to college.  He has been thinking about it for over a year, and he can't decide what to do.

Sometimes, he feels excited about returning to college to complete his degree and the possibilities that this can open up for him.  But there are also other times when he worries that he won't do well in college and it would be a mistake to return.

His ambivalence has kept Ted feeling confused about what's best for him.  Feeling ambivalent, Ted is at an impasse and he has been unable to make a decision.

Initially, Ted isn't sure what his ambivalence is about.  He knows that there are at least two parts of him that are in conflict about going back to college.  He doesn't know why he's in conflict about it or the root of this internal conflict.

As an experiment, Ted decides to write about this conflict by having a dialogue between Part A, the part that wants to return to college, and Part B, the part that worries that he won't do well and thinks it would be a mistake to return to college.

Having a Dialogue in Writing Between the Different Parts of Yourself

Keeping it simple, Ted begins by giving a voice to Part A and then allowing Part B to respond:

Part A:  I wasn't ready to be in college when I first went a year ago, but now I'm ready and excited to return.  I think it would open up many more job opportunities for me.  I want to go back.

Part B:  I'm worried that this would be a big mistake because you probably won't do well and then it would be a waste of time and money.  It's better not to risk it.

Part A:  I don't understand why you would think that I wouldn't do well.  I didn't leave because my grades weren't good. I left because I wasn't ready to be away from home, but in the last year, I've matured and I'm ready now.  Tell me more about your concerns.

Part B: I'm afraid that if I return, I might get homesick again and want to leave.  Then, I would feel like a failure.

Part A:  I understand your concerns and you might be right, but there are probably ways to address these concerns without giving up on college.

Part B:  Like what?

Part A: If I go away to college and I feel homesick, I can seek counseling at the student counseling center.  I can also choose not to return to the same college.  I could go to a local college instead where I can commute from home.

Part B: Well, those ideas sound like possibilities.  I'm open to considering it.  Let's talk about this again tomorrow.

As Ted continues to dialogue between these two parts of himself that are in conflict, he learns more about the hopes and fears of each part.  He learns the origin of his fears as Part B "talks" about other earlier times in his life when he was afraid to take risks.  In addition, he develops new ideas about how to deal with his fears.

Along the way, he might also identify other parts of himself that are involved in this conflict and gain insight into the role these other parts play.

As he continues to dialogue with these parts in writing and concretizes his various conflicting feelings, he feels calmer about it.  Now that he's writing about it and capturing his feelings on paper, he no longer has these conflicting feelings whirling around in his head in a confused state.  It's all down on paper.

As he gains insight into how his various conflicting aspects of himself are affecting his decision making process, he can address each of these issues by getting more concrete information, talking to others about it, and seeing where he might be catastrophizing about issues that aren't a catastrophe (see my article: Are You Catastrophizing?).

By dialoguing with his various self states, he is able to put his hopes and fears in perspective, and he is in a better position to make a decision.

Conclusion
Having an internal dialogue in writing with the various parts of yourself can help you to overcome problems where you're experiencing an internal conflict.

Being able to reflect on and write about the internal conflict from the perspective of the parts involved helps you to understand yourself better and have more compassion for yourself.

Writing out dialogues between your internal parts can also stimulate more creative ideas for overcoming the conflict that you might not have thought about if you didn't write about it.

Initially, you might feel uncomfortable doing this exercise but, once you're immersed in it, you will probably find it to be a very useful tool.

Getting Help in Therapy
A skilled psychotherapist can help you to understand the conflicting aspects of yourself as well as get to the root of your problems (see my articles: The Benefits of Psychotherapy and How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

If you have access to a licensed mental health professional, you have an opportunity to work through unresolved problems so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I work with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients using Ego States therapy.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

Should You Reveal to Your Spouse That You Cheated in the Past?

Trying to decide whether or not to reveal a past affair to your spouse or significant other can be one of the most challenging decisions that you can make in your life, and no one can tell you what to do (see my articles about infidelity: Infidelity: Cheating on Your Husband Even Though You're "Not the Type", Relationships: Coping With Secrets and Lies in Your Relationship, When Trust Breaks Down in a Relationship and The Connection Between Infidelity and the Need to Feel Desirable).

Should You Reveal to Your Spouse That You Cheated in the Past?

Before you confess to your spouse or significant other that you had an affair in the past, there are some important things to ask yourself:

Consider the Following Questions

• What Are You Hoping to Accomplish By Revealing a Past Affair? Assuming that the affair is truly over and you and the other person aren't just on a hiatus, what are you hoping for by telling your spouse or significant about the affair?  

• Have You Forgiven Yourself For the Affair? Sometimes people reveal past affairs because they've been unable to forgive themselves and they're hoping that if their significant other  forgives them, they'll feel better about themselves.  The risk, of course, is that their significant other won't forgive them and that, worst case scenario, the relationship will end.  

• Have You Considered How Your Significant Other Will Feel After You Reveal the Affair?  You might feel better after you confess that you were having an affair.  The pressure of keeping that secret will no longer be part of you.  But, even though you think of the affair as over and in the past, your significant other will be learning about the affair for the first time, and it will probably feel like it's happening now on an emotional level for him or her because the emotions will be so strong and immediate.  Your significant other might also question his or her understanding of the entire relationship, especially if s/he never had any idea that you were cheating or that you were even capable of cheating.

• Do You Understand Why You Cheated? Have you done the necessary internal work to understand why you cheated in the first place?  Did alcohol or drugs contribute to the problem?  It's important for you to know why you started cheating and, if you reveal a history of infidelity, your significant other will also probably want some answers.  Do the same problems exist for you or your relationship now as they did when you cheated?  If so, what are you or you and your significant other doing to work on those issues? 

• How Did the Extramarital Affair End? Assuming that the affair is really in the past, did you end it, did the other person end it or was it a mutual decision?  Why the other relationship ended is as important to understand as why you began the affair in the first place.  It's a necessary part of what you need to understand about yourself.

• Are You Being Honest With Yourself About the Affair Being Over? Some people decide to confess an affair because they're afraid they'll start up with the "other man" or "other woman" again.  They fear that they won't be able to control themselves so they want their significant other to know about the affair so that the confession will be an impediment to resuming the old affair or starting a new affair.  This is more common that people think, and it's not a solution to the problem.  Even if your significant other forgives you and is willing to act as your "conscience" by monitoring your whereabouts and actions, this would be very unhealthy, codependent behavior.  It would be highly stressful for both of you, and it wouldn't solve your problems to have your spouse act as a "parent" to you.  You need to dig deeper within yourself to get to the root of your problem. That gets back to the question: Do You Know Why You Cheated?

• Are You Trying to Sabotage Your Relationship? Sometimes, when people confess to a past affair, on an unconscious level, they're trying to sabotage their relationship.  The relationship might feel "dead" to the person who cheated and, on an unconscious level, s/he might want out, but don't have the courage to end the relationship.  Instead, they want their significant other to end it.  They think that a confession about infidelity might be the way out for them if the significant other leaves.  This will take a lot of self exploration because it might not be apparent to you.

• Are You Ready to Deal With the End of Your Relationship? It's often hard to predict how a significant other will react to finding out about prior infidelity.  For some people, infidelity is unforgivable and they will end the relationship.  Other people will try to work on the relationship, even if they are very hurt and not sure if the relationship will survive.  So, some relationships end, some relationships muddle through, and some relationships become stronger after infidelity is revealed.

Getting Help in Therapy
As I mentioned before, no one can advise you what to do in terms of revealing or not revealing prior infidelity, but it's important for you to understand your motivation in revealing the affair and whether you're ready to deal with the consequences, whatever they might be (see my article: The Benefits of Psychotherapy).

There can be compelling arguments on both sides as to whether to reveal the affair or not.  A skilled psychotherapist won't tell you what to do, but she can help you to deal with the questions I posed above and can facilitate your decision-making process (see my article: How to Choose a Psychotherapist).

Rather than struggling alone with this important issue, you could benefit from getting help from a licensed mental health professional, who has experience helping clients with this issue.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist (see my article: The Therapeutic Benefits of Integrative Psychotherapy).

I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through relationship issues.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

Many people find it difficult to make decisions about their lives, whether it involves family, romantic, relationships, friendships or career.  They approach decision making as if it is a "do or die" endeavor and fail to recognize that, with time, as the old saying goes:  "Indecision becomes decision" (anonymous quote).

Fear of Making Decisions:  Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

Why Are People Afraid to Make Decision?
People who have a tendency to approach decision making with fear act as if whatever decision they make will put them on an unchangeable collision course with death.

But when you think about it, in many cases decisions that are made can be changed.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes a Decision With Time

So, for instance, if you're considering career options, rather than thinking that you'll be spending the rest of your life in a particular career, which makes possible decisions seem very daunting, you can recognize that many people change careers several times in a lifetime for a variety of reasons.

Maybe the career that they chose originally suited them at the time and no longer suits them.  Possibly, they're in a better position to do what they always wanted to do but didn't have the opportunity to do.  And so on.

Making No Decision, By Default, Becomes a Decision
You can only stand on the fence for so long before no decision becomes a decision.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes Decision With Time

So, for instance, if you spend your whole life wondering whether or not you want to get married and you pass up compatible romantic partners along the way, at some point when you're at the end of your life, you can look back and see that your indecision became a decision to remain single.

Depending upon how you feel about being single, that might be fine.  But if you live to regret your indecision, you realize that, by default, you chose to remain single, even though you might have done it passively.

Let's take a look at a fictionalized scenario of how indecision becomes a decision with regard to a romantic relationship:

Tom
Tom grew up in a household where his parents were constantly bickering and at odds with each other.

At an early age, Tom decided that he never wanted to get married because he believed that, even when two people entered into a marriage loving each other, over time, marriage spoiled everything.

During his senior year in college, he met Lori, a kind, intelligent, attractive woman who had many similar interests to Tom.

After they graduated college, Tom and Lori moved in together.  They lived together happily for several years--until Lori brought up marriage and having children.

Lori was already aware of Tom's feelings about marriage, but she hoped that he would change his mind  as time passed and he could see how happy they were with each other.

Tom was committed to their relationship, but he had a deep seated fear that everything would change, as it had for his parents, if he and Lori got married.

Fear of Making Decisions: Indecision Becomes Decision With Time

Over the next few years, Lori was patient and he and Lori continued to talk about the possibility of getting married.

Although his fears softened somewhat over time, Tom couldn't make a decision, one way or the other, as to whether he would marry Lori.  On the one hand, this was something that Lori really wanted and he didn't want to lose her.  On the other hand, he didn't want to ruin the good relationship that they had by getting married.

But as time went by, tension grew between them about the possibility of marriage.

Feeling that she was  coming to the end of her patience, Lori told Tom that she wanted to have children with Tom and she wanted to do this as a married couple.  She didn't want to wait any longer to have children.

Reluctantly, she told Tom that she felt his indecision about marriage was actually a decision, by default, not to get married.  She told him that she would stay with him until the end of the year and if by that time, nothing changed, she would leave.

Tom also wanted to have children and, for his part, he would have been willing to have children with Lori while they were living together.  But he realized now that, for Lori, this wasn't an option.

Feeling the pressure mount and not knowing what else to do, Tom sought help from a licensed mental health professional.

As part of his therapy, Tom worked through his fears, which stemmed from unresolved emotional wounds from childhood.

Overcoming Fear of Making Decisions

Over time, Tom recognized that his perspective about marriage was distorted by his experience of his parents' marriage, and that he and Lori had a much healthier relationship.  This allowed him to make a decision to get married to Lori and start a family.

Conclusion
When you're trying to make a decision, there are no guarantees that, whatever you choose, things will work out.

But, over time, no decision becomes a passive decision to do nothing, and that's usually the worst choice.

Like Tom in the fictionalized scenario above, many people have problems making decisions because of unresolved emotional issues that taint their decision making process.  In many other cases, people learned as children to be anxious about making decisions.

Getting Help in Therapy
One of the worst feelings that someone can have at end of his or her life is to look back and say, "If only I had…" (fill in the blank) when it's now too late.

If you have a decision to make where you have been on the fence for a while, you're probably aware that, at some point, doing nothing becomes a decision not to change, and this is probably not the option that you want.

So, rather than allow time to make the decision for you by default, you could benefit from working with a licensed psychotherapist, who has experience helping clients in situations similar to yours.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

I have helped many clients with fear of making a decisions to overcome this fear so they could lead a more fulfilling life.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Are You Allowing Your Fears to Dictate Your Choices in Life?

Most people come to therapy because they're unhappy with their lives.  In many cases, their unhappiness stems from allowing their fears to dictate their choices in their lives.  Over time, as their lives become narrower and less fulfilling, they feel increasingly unhappy.  It's as if they're in hiding.

Are You Allowing Your Fears to Dictate Your Choices in Life?

Many people who have this problem have no awareness that their fears have dominated their decision- making process.  Their fears have become so entrenched that they no longer question them.  They don't even realize that they're making choices based on fear and so they've come to accept the "logic" of their decisions.

Gradually, these fears can generalize to such an extent that they can affect major areas in a person's life.

Let's take a look at a vignette, which is a composite of many different people, to understand this phenomenon:

Amy
Amy began therapy because she felt unfulfilled in her life.  She watched the friends that she went to college with develop satisfying relationships, and she couldn't understand why she wasn't in a relationship.

While she was happy for her friends, she couldn't help questioning herself and wondering, "Is there something wrong with me?"

As we worked together in therapy, Amy came to realize that her main problem was that although she wanted to be in a relationship, she also was afraid to allow men to get close to her (see my article:  An Emotional Dilemma: Wanting and Dreading Love).

This fear had become a major obstacles for her.

Amy also realized that she had been allowing her fears to dictate the choices that she made in her life and that this, in turn, kept her out of social situations where she could meet men.

Allowing Your Fears to Dictate Your Choices:  Amy Was Isolated

In order to deal with this fear, we had to deal with longstanding issues related to her family of origin where her emotional needs were unmet as a child.  Without realizing it, due to her fear, she broke off relationships before emotional intimacy developed.

As we continued to explore the origin of her fear of intimacy, we discovered that Amy had fears of being abandoned in the same way that she was abandoned as a child when her parents moved to Europe for her father's job and left her for several months with an aunt who was cold and emotionally withholding.

Over time, we used EMDR, clinical hypnosis, and Somatic Experiencing to work through these memories of her unmet childhood needs.

Amy Worked Through Her Fears in Therapy So She Was No Longer Afraid

The work wasn't easy or fast, but after Amy had worked through these emotional issues, she was no longer afraid and she began to feel ready to open up to the possibility of meeting someone new for a serious relationship.

Getting Help in Therapy
Your fears can make your life small and narrow.  Over time, your fears can keep you stuck and feeling frustrated.

Rather than allowing your fears to keep you from having the life that you want, you owe it to yourself to get help in therapy.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you're unable to overcome your fears on your own, you're not alone.  This is a phenomenon that many people experience.  With help from a licensed mental health professional, you can develop insight into how your fears are holding you back, work through the issues related to these fears, and take steps to have the life you want.

About Me
I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR and Somatic Experiencing therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website:  Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.