How Can Intergenerational Trauma Affect Your Ability to Make Decisions?

In the current article I'm discussing how trauma can affect decision-making. 

Intergenerational Trauma and Fear of Making Decisions

What Are Some of the Psychological Factors For Fear of Making Decisions?

If you have this problem with making decisions, it's important to start with compassion.

Developing Self Awareness and Compassion

It's important to look beyond the surface with compassion so you won't be so hard on yourself.

In general, every person who has problems making decisions is unique and has their own set of psychological factors related to decision-making.

Here are some of the most common factors:

• Pessimism and Fear of Change: A negative or pessimistic perspective can lead to only focusing on the potential downside to every possible decision.

• Insecurity: Personal insecurities can lead to someone having difficulty with potential decisions.

• A Problem Solving Identity: Some people like to see themselves as problem solvers for themselves and for others. This helps them to feel useful and needed. However, it can also become a crutch to avoid making decisions.

• Cognitive Dissonance: Some people experience an internal conflict when faced with solutions that challenge their beliefs. This can lead to their challenging every possible solution offered to them to maintain a sense of internal consistency (see my article: Understanding the Negative Impact of Cognitive Dissonance).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a particular type of trauma, intergenerational trauma, an affect making decisions:

Liz

When her boyfriend, Ray, recommended that she seek help in therapy, Liz wasn't open to the idea at first. But when he talked to her about the many times she approached her problems with pessimism and fear of change, she realized she had a problem, so she sought help in therapy.

Anxiety and Fear of Change

When her therapist asked Liz about her family history, Liz revealed that both of her parents had problems making decisions because they usually feared the worst possible outcome.  

Both of Liz's parents experienced intergenerational related to severe poverty. So, even though her parents were now financially secure, whenever they had to make any decision about money, they approached the decision making process with pessimism, anxiety and dread (see my article: What is Intergenerational Trauma?).

The smallest financial decision created so much anxiety that they would find a problem with any possible decision. This lead to procrastination so they made decisions at the last possible moment. This often lead to poor choices in many cases because they weren't able to think about the choices calmly so they made last minute decisions in haste.

Even as a young child, Liz understood that her parents' anxiety and dread were misplaced. She knew that, unlike earlier generations, both of her parents were in high paying professions and they could relax more about money. 

But even though Liz understood it logically, on an emotional level, she took in her parents' fears and anxiety on an unconscious level.  

This created problems between Liz and Ray because whenever they were faced with certain decisions related to spending money, like whether to buy new furniture or whether they could afford to go on vacation, Liz had so much anxiety that she couldn't make a decision.

Logically, Liz knew she and Ray could afford the furniture and a vacation, but whenever he proposed various options, she found reasons to reject everything he proposed.  She couldn't understand why she couldn't reconcile her logical thoughts with her emotions.

After hearing about her family history, Liz's therapist provided her with psychoeducation about intergenerational trauma. 

Although Liz wasn't happy to hear that she was traumatized, her therapist's explanation made sense to her, especially when she heard about the symptoms. 

Some of the symptoms of intergenerational trauma resonated with her, including:

• Persistent anxiety

• Hypervigilance (a constant state of high alert or feeling a sense of threat)

• Problems with emotional regulation

• Shame
  

• Guilt
  

Liz's therapist worked with her to prepare her to do trauma therapy. Since Liz's anxiety was so high, she needed several months of preparation and stabilization before they could start processing her trauma in trauma therapy.

Part of the preparation involved developing self compassion and better coping skills.

When her therapist assessed Liz was ready to work through her trauma, they did a combination of IFS Parts Work Therapy, Somatic Experiencing and EMDR Therapy over a period of several months.

Whenever they discovered an emotional block in the trauma therapy, her therapist used Imaginal Interweaves to help Liz overcome the block (see my article: What Are Imaginal Interweaves in Trauma Therapy?).

Even though the work took over a year until Liz worked through her trauma, she felt incremental relief along the way.

Overcoming Anxiety and Fear of Change

Over time, Liz experienced her emotions as being more in synch with her logical understanding. She was able to modify her emotions and behavior to make decisions without anxiety, pessimism or fear of change.

Whenever she considered possible solutions to problems, she was able to consider each options and make a decision without finding problems with every solution.

Trauma therapy enabled Liz to free herself from a history of intergenerational trauma.

Conclusion

If you have unresolved trauma, a good place to start is developing self awareness and compassion.

Most people don't want to create problems for themselves and others when they're trying to solve problems or make decisions, so there's usually a coherent reason. 

If the reason isn't apparent, it's often unconscious (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

Getting Help in Therapy

A skilled mental health professional who is trained as a trauma therapist can help you to identify the psychological factors involved and work through the problems (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

If the problems are related to trauma, seeking help from a psychotherapist who is a trauma therapist can help you to overcome the trauma so you can lead a more fulfilling life free from your history of trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to work through trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy?

I've written several articles about IFS Parts Work Therapy in the past (see the links at the end of this article).

Discovering Core Self in IFS Therapy

What is Core Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy?

IFS is Internal Family Systems, an evidence-based therapy developed by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz to help clients heal from psychological trauma.

From the IFS perspective, Core Self is an inate state of being that everyone possesses.

Unlike parts, which are like subpersonalities in IFS, Core Self isn't a part of the personality.  IFS posits that the Core Self is in a self leadership role in every person and one way to describe Core Self is in terms of the 8 Cs:

• Compassion
• Curiosity
• Clarity
• Creativity
• Calmness
• Confidence
• Courage
• Connectedness

How Can You Access Your Core Self?

The Core Self can be accessed through various practices including: 

• Mindfulness: A basic mindfulness exercise involves focusing on your breath while allowing whatever thoughts and feelings to come up without judgment.

• Meditation: Guided meditations can help you to connect with your Core Self so you can experience yourself in a deeper way.

Discovering Core Self in IFS Parts Therapy

• Self Compassion: Practicing self compassion is key to connecting with your Core Self. Self compassion allows you to connect with yourself in a loving nonjudgmental way. 

• Focusing on Your Body: Taking time to notice physical sensations in your body in a gentle and loving way can help you to connect with your body's innate wisdom (see my article: The Mind-Body Connection: The Body Offers a Window Into the Unconscious Mind).

How is Core Self Different From Parts of Yourself?

• Parts: Everyone is made up of a multiplicity of selves.. In this case, I'm not talking about multiple personality disorder. Instead, I'm talking about the many subpersonalities that everyone possess that carry many emotions, beliefs and histories. There are no "bad parts" and it's not the goal of IFS to get rid of any of the parts. However, some of the parts might be in need of healing because they have taken on extreme roles due to trauma.

• Core Self: Core Self is distinct from parts. The Core Self, which is also called the True Self, Higher Self or the Self (with a capital "S"), is the source of your inner wisdom and healing. When you are within the perspective of your Core Self, the Core Self can work with your parts instead of being overwhelmed by parts.

The Core Self can be difficult to access when your parts are activated and "in charge" of you, but you can learn to access Core Self (as described in the vignette below).

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette, which is a composite of many cases, illustrates how a client in IFS Parts Work Therapy can access Core Self to heal from trauma:

Tina

When Tina sought help in IFS Parts Work Therapy, she felt overwhelmed by unresolved childhood trauma.

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Therapy

Although she had close friends, Tina had difficulty maintaining romantic relationships once they became serious. Over time, Tina became emotionally distant in her relationships because she felt too emotionally vulnerable to express her feelings with the partner she was seeing at the time.

Her pattern was that she would be happy and excited to get into a new relationship, but when she and her partner developed deeper feelings for each other, her trauma symptoms got triggered.

She grew up in a family where her mother was emotionally distant and her father, whom she felt a closer connection to, disappeared one day when she was seven years old. After that, her mother became depressed and barely got out of bed, so Tina's aunt came to help them.

No one ever discussed what happened to her father and, as many children do, Tina blamed herself for her father abandoning the family.

Several years later, Tina found out from a neighbor that her father left her family to be with another woman and he started a new family. When Tina tried to contact him, her father refused to talk to her.

Many years later, when Tina was in her 30s, her father contacted her out of the blue because he had terminal cancer. By then, his second wife had left him and his children from the second marriage didn't want to maintain contact with him.

Since her father had no one to look after him, Tina allowed him to stay with her while he had cancer treatment. She had a lot of ambivalence about taking him in, but she didn't feel she could send him away.

During the next two years, Tina and her father worked towards reconciling their father-daughter relationship. Her father regretted how he left her and her mother and he asked for Tina's forgiveness. Knowing he was going to die, Tina told him that she forgave him, but deep down she still felt the hurt and pain of her younger self who was abandoned.

This hurt and pain related to her father's abandonment carried over into her romantic relationships as soon as she became emotionally invested in the relationship.  She feared she would be abandoned again and she dealt with it by becoming emotionally numb.

When Tina sought help in IFS Parts Work Therapy, her therapist provided her with psychoeducation about IFS.

She also helped Tina to develop the necessary tools and coping strategies to do the deep work involved with IFS, and Tina also journaled and meditated between sessions.

After her therapist discussed Core Self, Tina took time during her busy week to access this deeper part of herself through mindfulness meditation.

Over time, she also learned to distinguish between the fearful and anxious parts of herself and her Core Self. She knew that whenever she felt fearful or anxious, she was looking through the perspective of one or more parts. And when she felt calm and compassionate, she was in touch with her Core Self.

Discovering Your Core Self in IFS Parts Work Therapy

This was the early stage of her IFS therapy and she was aware she and her therapist needed to do work on the parts that were causing her to feel fear and anxiety.  But after she learned to switch her perspective from her parts to her Core Self, she felt calmer and more in charge of her life.

Over time, with the help of IFS Therapy, Tina was able to develop a new relationship beyond the initial honeymoon stage. Although it was challenging for her, she used the tools she learned in IFS to heal her trauma and remain in her relationship.

Conclusion

Core Self is the innate essence that everyone possesses.

It can be challenging to access Core Self when you are immersed in parts, including anxious, fearful, shamed or angry parts.

IFS Parts Work Therapy provides ways to access Core Self during the initial stage of IFS Therapy.

Once clients can access their Core Self, they can work in IFS to deal with the wounded and traumatized parts.

Getting Help in IFS Parts Work Therapy

IFS Parts Work Therapy is an evidence-based effective form of trauma therapy.

If you're struggling with unresolved trauma, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist so you can free yourself from the effects of your traumatic history.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychtherapist.

To set up a consultation, call at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Also See My Other IFS Articles:

How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Understand Yourself

Understanding the Different Parts of Yourself

Parts Work Therapy Can Be Empowering

How Can IFS Parts Work Therapy Help With Anxiety?

Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?

How IFS Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Anxiety

Anyone who has ever had to deal with a high level of anxiety knows how unpleasant anxiety can be (see my article: Getting Help in Therapy For Anxiety).

IFS Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Anxiety

For a basic understanding of IFS (Internal Family Systems) Therapy, see the articles at the end of this blog post.

How Does IFS Help With Anxiety?

Rather than seeing anxiety as a flaw, from an IFS perspective, IFS teaches you to see anxiety as a part of yourself.

IFS therapists help clients with anxiety by teaching them to connect with their Core Self. 

According to IFS, the Core Self is innate in every person and consists of the 8 Cs:

• Calm
• Compassion (including self compassion)
• Curiosity
• Clarity
• Courage
• Confidence
• Creativity
• Connection

When you learn to connect with your Core Self, you can work with the various parts of yourself, including the anxious part, to understand the parts' intentions and help them to let go of the extreme roles they are in to reduce anxiety.

The intention of IFS isn't to do battle with your anxiety. Instead, the goal is to work with the anxious part so that you are emotionally balanced and mentally integrated.

This involves:

• Understanding the Parts: The main idea in IFS is that the mind is made up of a multiplicity of parts. Within your system of parts, you have parts that are "managers", "exiles" and "firefighters." An example of a manager might be a part who is a perfectionist who wants to do everything "perfectly" to prevent a future failure. An example of a firefighter part might be a part that uses alcohol to distract you and numb you from your emotions. An example of an "exile" is a young wounded part that carries shame from early trauma.

IFS Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Anxiety

• Identifying Triggers: An IFS therapist helps you to identify the triggers that activate the anxious part. An example of a trigger that activates anxiety might be a work deadline.

• Accessing Your Core Self: Core Self, as described above, is the "leader" of your parts. Your IFS therapist teaches you how to access your Core Self so that you can shift your perspective from seeing through your anxious part to gaining a balanced, centered and grounded perspective through Core Self.

• Communicating With Your Anxious Part: As you continue to develop skills in IFS, you also learn how to understand and dialog with your anxious part and any other part from the perspective of Core Self.  Your Core Self is the essence of who you are and, as such, Core Self is nonjudgmental and empathetic. Instead of battling your anxiety, you ask the anxious part of you what it's afraid of, how it's trying to protect you and what it needs.

• Releasing Burdens: By getting to the root of your anxiety, you help your anxious part to release the "burdens" it has been carrying. These are usually painful emotions or beliefs from past trauma. 

• Rebalancing the System: Once you are coming from the perspective of Core Self, Core Self can guide your parts to work together in a harmonious way. This reduces anxiety and helps the anxious part to develop a healthier role. Instead of being stuck in an extreme role, all your parts can work together to achieve your goals instead of remaining stuck in extreme protective roles.

Preparation in Therapy to Do IFS Parts Work to Overcome Anxiety

Just like any other therapy, when you do IFS to overcome anxiety, your IFS therapist can help you to develop a rapport with her. 

This is essential in any therapy, but it's especially important when doing the deep work involved in IFS because you need to trust your therapist. This isn't necessarily easy for people who have experienced trauma, especially if it involved family-related trauma (see my article: Can You Trust Your Therapist If You Couldn't Trust Your Family?).

IFS Parts Work Therapy Can Help With Anxiety

Your therapist will also provide you with psychoeducation to understand IFS so that you know what is involved before you work with her in IFS therapy.

If your anxiety is getting in the way of day-to-day functioning, your IFS therapist will assess what level of care you might need and if you need adjunctive mental health treatment or another level of treatment.

Assuming that IFS outpatient psychotherapy is right for you, your therapist will also ensure you have the necessary coping skills and internal resources before beginning IFS.

Doing Your Own Work Between Therapy Sessions

Your IFS therapist will probably suggest that you do your own work between therapy sessions to cope with anxiety.

This could include:

Journaling

Meditation

Using Grounding Techniques

Getting Help in IFS Therapy

IFS is an evidence-based therapy developed by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz.

Getting Help in IFS Therapy

IFS is used throughout the United States and in many parts of the world.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from an IFS therapist so you can lead a meaningful life free from the effects of your history of trauma.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, Parts Work (IFS and Ego States Therapy), EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I have helped many individual adults and couples to overcome trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

My Other Articles About IFS:

How Does Parts Work Therapy, Like IFS and Ego States Therapy, Help You to Understand Yourself

Understanding the Different Parts of Yourself

Parts Work Therapy Can Be Empowering

Is an Unconscious Part of Yourself Running Your Life?

Healing in Trauma Therapy: It's Never Too Late to Give Yourself a Good Childhood

Many people weren't lucky enough to have a good childhood because of childhood trauma. 

If you are like millions of other people who experienced childhood trauma, you might be relieved to know that you can overcome your traumatic childhood experiences through trauma therapy.

Healing in Trauma Therapy

As an Adult, How Can You Give Yourself a Good Childhood?

Since it's obvious that none of us can actually go back in time to change circumstances related to childhood trauma, you might wonder how you can heal so that you can give yourself a good childhood.

The answer is Experiential Trauma Therapy including:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy 

• Somatic Experiencing Therapy

Healing in Trauma Therapy

• Parts Work Therapy 

• AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy

and other trauma therapies can help you to work through psychological trauma with tools and strategies, like Imaginal Interweaves, to heal the traumatized younger parts of yourself (see my article: Imaginal Interweaves).

All of the therapies mentioned above are Experiential Therapies which differ from traditional psychotherapy because these therapies involve the mind-body connection (see my article: Why is Experiential Therapy More Effective Than Traditional Talk Therapy?)

Healing in Trauma Therapy

This means that you gain more than just intellectual insight. Instead, you have a more integrated mind and embodied experience that produces better results than traditional talk therapy (see my article: Healing From the Inside Out: Why Insight Isn't Enough).

With regard to reimagining your childhood, Imaginal Interweaves, which were developed by Dr. Laurel Parnell for Attachment-Focused EMDR Therapy, allows you to use the mind-body connection to heal trauma by providing you with healing experiences.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how Experiential Therapy, including Imaginal Interweaves, can heal childhood trauma:

Tom

After several painful breakups, Tom sought help with an Experiential Therapist to try to understand why he was having problems in relationships (see my article: How Trauma Can Affect Relationships).

He had been in traditional talk therapy before where he gained intellectual insight into how his trauma childhood had affected his ability to be in romantic relationships. He understood the connection between his childhood emotional neglect and abuse and his inability to connect with romantic partners. But even though he understood his problems, nothing changed. He continued to have the same relationship problems.

Whenever he began seeing someone new, he felt excited and open to the new relationship. However, as the relationship became more emotionally intimate, he had problems remaining emotionally available and open to his partner (see my article: What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Available?).

Tom understood how the increasing emotional intimacy created anxiety for him and he knew it wasn't related to the particular woman he was in a relationship with--it was his own childhood experiences and his family history.

While he was in traditional talk therapy, whenever he felt himself shutting down with his partner, he tried to remember that his fear was coming from the past and not the present, but this didn't help him to remain emotionally open to his partner (see my article: Why is Past Trauma Affecting You Now?).

Healing in Trauma Therapy

Feeling frustrated, Tom sought help in EMDR Therapy, a type of Experiential Therapy, hoping he would have a different experience where he could do more than just understand his problem--he wanted to heal and to be emotionally vulnerable in his next relationship.

As part of EMDR therapy, his therapist used a combination of Imaginal Interweaves and Parts Work Therapy when he got stuck processing his childhood trauma (see my article: Using Imagery as a Powerful Tool in Trauma Therapy).

His trauma therapist told him that Imaginal Interweaves were one of many tools in Experiential Therapy and that these interweaves were in no way saying that he had a different experience in his childhood. Instead, these interweaves allowed him to have a new healing experience.

Tom imagined himself as an adult talking to his younger self who experienced his parents' emotional neglect and abuse. 

He reassured his younger self that he would protect him and he saw his adult self confront his parents about the abuse and take his younger self to a safe place where he comforted him.

His therapist reinforced and helped him to integrate his new positive experiences with EMDR Bilateral Stimulation using EMDR tappers.

Afterwards, Tom felt a sense of relief--as if his experience of himself began to shift.

In another session, Tom imagined he had ideal parents who were nothing like his actual parents. They were kind, loving and patient with him. 

Healing in Trauma Therapy

This work, which involved many sessions with Imaginal Interweaves, was neither quick nor easy. But over time Tom had a new sense of himself as a person who was more open and capable of emotional intimacy in his next relationship.

Instead of closing off emotionally, as he usually did, he was able to remain open and emotionally available with his new girlfriend as he healed from the source of his problems.

Conclusion

While you can't actually go back in time to change a traumatic childhood, you can heal and have a new experience of yourself using your imagination in Experiential Therapy.

The new experience in Experiential Therapy isn't just an intellectual process. It's an integrated mind-body oriented experience where you can experience yourself as free from the effects of your traumatic history.

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

If you have unresolved trauma which has had a negative impact on your relationships and traditional therapy hasn't healed your trauma, you could benefit from seeing a licensed mental health professional who does Experiential Therapy (see my article: Healing Trauma Creatively).

Getting Help in Trauma Therapy

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help in Experiential Therapy to heal from unresolved trauma so you can live a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

As a trauma therapist, I have helped many individual adults and couples to heal from trauma.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

How to Let Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

As a psychotherapist who works with individual adults and couples, I have worked with many clients who have problems with resentment.

This is why I'm focusing on resentment in relationships in the current article.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

What is Resentment?

Resentment is an emotional reaction to feeling mistreated or treated unfairly which often includes hurt, frustration, anger, disappointment and bitterness.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Although disappointment and frustration are common experiences in adulthood, when these feelings become overwhelming in a relationship, this often leads to resentment.

What Causes Resentment?

Resentment can be caused under many circumstances.

Here are some of the most common causes:

• Feeling put down

• Feeling unseen or unheard

• Having unrealistic expectations

• Unmet needs

• Power imbalances

• Poor communication

• Unresolved conflict

• Betrayal

• Feeling disrespected and taken for granted

• Divergent goals and priorities

How Does Resentment Build Over Time?

Although there are no official stages of resentment, resentment can build over time from mild to severe.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Someone can start by feeling hurt, but if the problems in the relationship continue and/or they are uncommunicated, these feelings can escalate to hatred and a wish for revenge.

Over time, when one or both partners in a relationship feel resentful, the relationship can become tense and they might consciously or unconsciously avoid each other.  

Why is Letting Go of Resentment Difficult At Times?

One or both partners might have problems letting go of resentment, especially if there is a tendency to ruminate about perceived or actual wrongdoing.

Difficulty with letting go can be exacerbated by a traumatic history in prior relationships or in a family history where the current situation can trigger resentment from the past.

How to Identify the Signs of Resentment

Healthy relationships are based on openness, honesty and an ability to be emotionally vulnerable with one another.

When a partner feels resentment, they might feel less inclined to communicate their feelings with their partner. What often happens instead is that the resentful partner suppresses their feelings and shuts down emotionally.  

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

They might not even realize they're suppressing feelings because emotional suppression can happen in a fraction of a second so they might be unaware, but their partner might sense their emotional distance.

When anger, bitterness and hostility take over, communication can break down and the resentful partner might not respond to their partner's gestures for connection. 

This could mean that they stop talking to their partner when they're together and ignore phone calls and texts when they're apart.

How Can Resentment Affect Your Emotional and Physical Well-Being?

Resentment is often a sign that you haven't dealt with a situation in an effective way.

If you haven't processed your feelings, you can put yourself at risk for:

• Anxiety
  

• Depression
  

• Muscle tension

• Headaches

• Sleep problems
  

• High blood pressure

• Digestive disorders

• A compromised immune system

How to Let Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

If you feel resentment, you can try to communicate your feelings to your partner in a calm and thoughtful way.

Some people who feel overwhelmed by resentment find it useful to do their own writing about it first to sort out their feelings so they can be calm when they talk to their partner.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

If you're upset and angry when you talk to your partner, your partner might not hear you because they might get defensive if you're blaming them for the problems in the relationship.

Remember that it takes two people to create a relationship so it's rare for all the problems to be your partner's fault.

If you feel your resentment has become unmanageable for you, you could benefit from talking to a licensed mental health professional who can help you to sort out your feelings and learn how to deal with resentment.

This can be especially beneficial if your current situation is triggering unresolved trauma from the past. 

Even if your current circumstances are triggering unresolved problems, this doesn't mean that there aren't problems to be worked out in your relationship. In other words, the current issues can still be relevant even if they are exacerbated by past experiences.

You and your partner can also benefit from couples therapy if the problems are longstanding or if the two of you haven't been able to work out issues on your own.

What Are Perpetual Problems in Relationships?

There might be certain problems, which are called "perpetual problems", that you won't be able to resolve and, if you want to stay together, you have to learn to manage your feelings around them instead of expecting things to change or remaining resentful.

Dr. John Gottman, who is a relationship expert and the author of many books on relationships, estimates that a whopping 69% of relationship problems are considered "perpetual problems." 

These might include, but are not limited to, differences in:

• Lifestyle needs

• Personality types, e.g., introvert vs extrovert

• Values

• Perspectives about money

• Parenting styles

More about perpetual problems in a future article.

Clinical Vignette

The following clinical vignette illustrates how resentment can affect a relationship and how therapy can help:

Ann and Joe

When Ann and Joe met, they both knew they wanted to be together.

They dated for two years before they moved in together in Ann's apartment after Joe's lease expired.

Letting Go of Resentment in Your Relationship

Ann knew Joe had different housekeeping standards before he moved in. She had been to his apartment many times before they moved in together and she often teased him about his messy apartment. At the time, she thought it was funny and poked fun at him about it. 

But after Joe's lease expired on his Manhattan apartment and he moved into Ann's Brooklyn apartment, Ann didn't think it was funny anymore. Over time, she felt annoyed with finding Joe's socks and underwear on the bedroom floor and she couldn't understand how this didn't bother him.

At first, Ann didn't say anything. She was raised in a family where her parents didn't like to "rock the boat" so they avoided discussing difficult topics. As a result, eventually, they lead separate lives even though they remained together in the same house.

After a few weeks of watching Joe step over his socks and underwear, Ann felt her resentment building up.  She felt hurt, angry and disappointed because she thought Joe was taking for granted that she would pick up his clothes.

Even though Joe seemed oblivious to his clothes on the floor, he sensed Ann's emotional distance and he asked her if there was something wrong. 

By then, Ann had suppressed her feelings to such an extent that she wasn't even aware she felt angry so she responded, "I'm okay. There's nothing wrong."

Joe shrugged his shoulders and went into the living room to watch the football game. While he was watching the football game, he felt annoyed by the sound of Ann's vacuum cleaner, which was drowning out the game on TV. So, he asked her if either he could vacuum later or if she would consider vacuuming later.

At that point, Ann turned off the vacuum cleaner and walked out of the apartment in a huff.  When Joe heard the door slam, he went out to try to find Ann, but she was already walking quickly down the block.

When she returned, she found Joe sitting on the sofa staring at the blank TV screen. As she was taking off her coat, Joe came behind her, touched her shoulder and she bristled.

"I know something is wrong" he said, "Can we talk about it?"

Ann felt too emotionally overwhelmed to speak, so she went into the bedroom, shut the door and called her best friend, Jane, to complain. 

Jane responded by asking Ann, "Why don't you talk to Joe about it?"

"I don't know." Ann said, "We never talked about things difficult things in my family and I feel uncomfortable bringing it up."

"But if you don't bring it up, how will it get resolved?" Jane asked.

"I don't know." Ann responded, "Do you think I'm making a big thing out of nothing?"

"Talk to Joe." Jane advised.

When Ann came into the living room and she saw Joe with his head in his hands, she felt compassionate towards him, "I'm sorry I walked out of the apartment so abruptly. I didn't realize how resentful I felt about your messiness until I felt overwhelmed by it."

"I'm so glad you're talking to me," Joe responded, "You know how I am. I don't even notice my messiness, but if it's bothering you, I'll try to be more aware of it."

After their talk, they made up and cuddled on the couch together. But a few days later, Ann felt annoyed that Joe made plans to go to a baseball game with his friend without consulting her first. She had planned to ask Joe if he wanted to go to Jane's dinner party on the same night, but she hadn't asked him yet.

Since she couldn't decide if she was being unreasonable or not, Ann kept her annoyance to herself until the day when Joe was supposed to go to the baseball game and Ann wanted to go to Jane's party.

She didn't speak to Joe about her resentment, but he sensed something was wrong because she was slamming pots and pans around in the kitchen. Similar to before, Joe approached Ann to ask her if there was something wrong and Ann responded she was okay.

After several attempts of trying to persuade Ann to talk, Joe gave up and went to the game and Ann called Jane to say she couldn't make it to her dinner party.

When Joe got home, he found Ann in a sulky mood scrolling on her phone.  When he sat down on the bed next to her, he sensed her remoteness, "Ann, I wish you would tell me what's bothering you."

Reluctantly, she spoke about her hurt and anger. Then, they talked about how they had never discussed how to consult each other before making their own plans. 

They agreed to talk to each other before making plans with other people, and they developed a common calendar so they could keep track of their social events together and apart.

Over time, there were several other issues that Ann felt resentful about and she realized how her upbringing was getting in the way of her communicating with Joe, so she began her own individual therapy. 

They also got into couples therapy to learn how to improve their communication (see my article: How to Improve Communication in Your Relationship).

Gradually, they learned in couples therapy how to be more open, honest and emotionally vulnerable with each other.  They also learned there were certain issues they weren't going to resolve due to differences in their personalities. 

For instance, Ann tended to be more extroverted and Joe tended to be more introverted so they often liked doing different things. Ann liked going to parties, but Joe felt uneasy at parties.  

They realized they weren't going to change each other's personalities, so they came up with a compromise: Joe would go to some of the parties and learn to mingle, but he wouldn't go to all the parties Ann wanted to attend. Although she was disappointed at first, Ann realized this was a reasonable compromise and she learned to manage her feelings in the interest of preserving their relationship.

Ann also developed insight into how her family history was exacerbating problems with Joe, and she talked about how to manage her feelings in her individual therapy.  Over time, she also worked through her family history so it didn't affect her as much. This work was neither quick nor easy, but she persevered.

Joe learned in couples therapy how to be more considerate of Ann. He became more self aware so he could take Ann's feelings into account.

They both learned that no relationship is perfect. Since they wanted to stay together, they realized that maintaining their relationship would be an ongoing process.  

Over time, they developed relationship goals which helped them both to feel more invested in their relationship and gave them a sense of a future together (see my article: 10 Relationship Goals to Create a Stronger Relationship).

Conclusion

Resentment is often a combination of hurt, anger, disappointment and frustration when one or both people in a relationship feel they are being mistreated or treated unfairly.

Resentment can build over time from mild to severe.

Getting Help in Couples Therapy

Recognizing signs of resentment can be difficult, especially if you have unresolved issues related to prior relationships or your family of origin. This can be especially problematic if you grew up in a family where resentment either wasn't handled well.

Ongoing feelings of resentment can cause emotional and physical problems.

There are certain issues in relationships that are perpetual problems due to differences between you and your partner. Each of you need to decide if you can manage these problems or if they are deal breakers.

When resentment becomes an ongoing problem where you find it difficult to communicate, you could benefit from attending individual therapy to learn to overcome this problem.

Couples therapy can be beneficial if you and your partner find yourself in ongoing cycles of resentment where you can't break the negative cycle in your relationship (see my article: Overcoming the Negative Cycle in Your Relationship That Keep You Stuck).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT For Couples, Parts Work, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.