Relationship Choices: What is a "Good Bad Boy"?

Men are often confused about what women want from them and so are some women.

The "Good Bad Boy"

Many men believe women prefer men with "bad boy" traits, but in reality the picture is more complex.

Characteristics Usually Associated With So-Called "Nice Guys" and "Bad Boys"

The concepts of "nice guys" and "bad boys" are stereotypes.

There isn't anyone who is either all good or all bad, but these are common stereotypes. 

In reality, people are more complex, but these stereotypes persist in the dating and relationship world.

Once again, keep in mind that these are stereotypes or archetypes and each person is an individual.

Traits of So-Called "Nice Guys"

Good Traits:

• Kind
• Considerate
• Empathetic and emotionally attuned
• Reliable
• Good listener

    Negative Traits:

• Overly passive
• Lack of assertiveness and lack of boundaries
• Lacking self confidence
• Passive aggressive
• Emotionally suppressed or masking
• Potentially resentful if their feelings aren't reciprocated by a romantic interest

Traits of So-Called "Bad Boys"

Good Traits

• Project a sense of confidence and independence (although not always genuine)
• Excitement and adventure
• Rebellious nature
• Charismatic
  
• Authentic (in terms of not trying to people please)
• Assertive
• Passionate

Negative Traits

• Impulsive
• Unstable emotionally or financially
• Narcissistic
  
• Emotionally unavailable
• Manipulative
  
• Dishonest
• Womanizing
  
• Irresponsible
• Selfish and entitled (see my article: The Dark Triad Personality)
• Unhealthy communication including criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (see my article: Avoiding the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse)

What is the Appeal of the "Nice Guy"?

The appeal of the "nice guy" for many women is that he has many of traits that women want in a man for a relationship.  He is believed to be someone who will be emotionally supportive and dependable. He is someone a woman can count on through thick and thin.  

The "Good Bad Boy"

However, some women who believe in this stereotype think the "nice guy" lacks confidence  in himself and he isn't assertive. 

In addition, if a man is overly compliant to gain approval and validation, this is often described as "The Nice Guy Syndrome" because their sense of self worth is tied to how others perceive them. There is a lack of authenticity that many women can sense which turns them off.

If a man is trying too hard to be "nice", he can come across as dull.

What is the Appeal of the "Bad Boy"?

Many women are attracted to "bad boys" for hookups because they seem fun and exciting--at least at first. 

He is often attractive and women like that he is passionate, unpredictable and an individual who doesn't try to follow traditional norms (see my article: What Makes So-Called  "Bad Boys" Appealing to Many Women?).

But if a man is trying too hard to be a "bad boy" because he thinks this is how he "should be", he will come across as lacking authenticity.

If a woman gets into a relationship with a "bad boy" traits, she will often discover these traits which make it difficult to maintain a stable relationship. And, worse still, if she thinks she can change him, she will probably be disappointed.

The "Good Bad Boy" Combines the Best Traits of the "Nice Guy" and the "Bad Boy"

As previously mentioned, the "Nice Guy" and the "Bad Boy" are stereotypes so they don't usually exist as pure types, but someone might have a particular tendency towards one or the other so that this could be a "red flag" for dating or a committed relationship.

Combining the best traits of the "Nice Guy" and "Bad Boy" would include edginess, some mystery and passion with a strong moral compass, a capacity for good, hidden heroism and "a heart of gold".

These men, who have the best of both traits, are often referred to as "Good Bad Boys".

Movie characters who have "Good Bad Boy" traits include:

• Bruce Wayne (Batman)
• James Bond (Agent 007)
• Hans Solo (Star Wars)
• Damon Salvatore (The Vampire Diaries)
• Lestat de Lioncourt (Interview With the Vampire)
• Jim Stark (Rebel Without a Cause)
• Luke Jackson (Cool Hand Luke)
• Rick Blaine (Rick in Casablanca)

An Example of the "Good Bad Boy" 

As an example, Rick of Casablanca initially comes across as aloof, cynical and self centered. Seemily, he doesn't want to get involved in other people's problems in Casablanca.

But he also shows himself to be a kind hero (or a "good bad boy") when he helps a couple by sacrificing his own happiness for the greater good.

Relationship Choices

Each woman makes her own choice as to what type of man she wants to be with in a casual or committed relationship (see my article: Making Healthy Choices in Relationships).

Sometimes a woman makes an unconscious choice and she only realizes later after she gets to know the man and she understands the dynamics between them.

This is why it's important for everyone choosing a mate to be aware of their choices (see my article: Making the Unconscious Conscious).

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experiencing helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?

In a recent article, Learning to Embrace Your Emotional Vulnerability, I discussed shame and how it often develops due to a variety of causes in early childhood.

Emotional Vulnerability and Shame

In the current article I'm discussing the connection between emotional vulnerability and shame.

What is Emotional Vulnerability?

As I mentioned in my prior article vulnerability is a strength--not a weakness.  This has been shown to be true in Brene Brown's research, as discussed in that article.

As a recap:

Being emotionally vulnerable means being willing to expose yourself to potential emotional risk.  

Emotional risk might include exposing yourself to the possibility of:

• Criticism
• Rejection
• Emotional pain

Being emotionally vulnerable means:

• Understanding vulnerability is not a weakness
• Being open and honest
• Sharing your feelings 
• Expressing your needs
• Showing others your true self even the so-called "imperfect" parts of yourself
• Developing authentic connections

What is the Connection Between Emotional Vulnerability and Shame?

Emotional vulnerability and shame are closely related:

• Shame as a Barrier to Emotional Vulnerability: People are often fearful of being emotionally vulnerable because they fear being seen as flawed or deficient in some way.  This can lead them hiding their emotional vulnerability so they won't be judged, criticized or rejected.  The problem is that when someone hides their emotional vulnerability, this type of hiding can reinforce shame, so this becomes a cycle (see my article: How Does Shame Develop at an Early Age?).

Emotional Vulnerability and Shame

• Vulnerability as a Trigger For Shame: Vulnerability can be a trigger for shame because when people are vulnerable, they're exposed to the possibility of being judged, criticized or rejected.  This often occurs when people have a history of having internalized negative messages about themselves or they have a traumatic history of being criticized or rejected (see my article: Overcoming Fear That People Won't Like You If They Knew the "Real You").

• Vulnerability as a Pathway to Healing Shame: By learning to embrace emotional vulnerability, people can learn to heal from shame. By acknowledging vulnerabilities and imperfections to a trustworthy and caring person, individuals can show their authentic self and break free of the silence and secrecy that generate shame. 

• Empathy as an Antidote to Shame: Empathy can be a powerful antidote to shame. When people can share their emotional vulnerabilities with trusted loved ones, they create an environment where others can can feel safe sharing their vulnerability. 

Getting Help in Therapy

Fear of being emotionally vulnerable combined with shame is a common problem.

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been unable to overcome your fear of vulnerability and shame, you could benefit from working with a licensed mental health professional.

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed psychotherapist so you can embrace your vulnerability and lead a more meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

 

Why Heterosexual Men Shouldn't Rely Only on Their Wife or Girlfriend to Develop Close Friends

I've been focusing on the topic of friendships in my recent articles:

Why Are Close Friends Important?

Why Do Heterosexual Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

In the current article I'm focusing on why heterosexual men shouldn't rely only on their wife or girlfriend to develop close friends.

Close Male Friendships

What Are the Contributing Factors to This Problem?

I think some of the issues I discussed in a prior article, Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?, are related to the male friendship problem:

• Fear

• Shame

• Embarrassment

• A belief in the need to conform to traditional gender roles including what it means to "be a man" 

• A fear of showing emotional vulnerability with other men

• A reluctance to admit the need for emotional connection with other men

Why Shouldn't Heterosexual Men Rely Only on Their Partner's Friend Group?

There are many reasons why you shouldn't rely only on your partner or your partner's friend group.

If you rely only on your partner to be the source of your friendships, you're putting a strain on your partner and your relationship because you're expecting her to do the "heavy lifting" when it comes to going out and making friends for both of you. 

In many heterosexual relationships this responsibility is in addition to expecting your partner to be in charge of the relationship social calendar, including setting up times to be with friends, making restaurant reservations, making vacation plans, remembering loved ones' birthdays, buying gifts for loved ones, setting up holiday plans, setting up and remembering children's play dates and so on.

This is detrimental to you, your partner, your relationship, and your ability to have a satisfying social life together (see my article: Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load).

What Are the Benefits of Heterosexual Men Having Their Own Close Friends?

If you have a diverse network of friends, including your own network of close male friends,  you can experience the following potential benefits:

• Emotional Well-Being and Support: Having your own male friends can provide you with emotional support. Male friendships can be a valuable resource when you are experiencing personal struggles, including problems in your relationship, which you can't discuss with your partner's friends. Also, if you and your partner break up, you won't lose your entire emotional support network if you have your own friends. In addition, male loneliness and isolation are important contributing factors to male suicides in the United States. Men represent 79% of all suicides in the U.S., which is four times higher than women. So, having close friends can help you to avoid feeling lonely, isolated and depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Feeling Sad and Feeling Depressed?).

Emotional Well-Being and Support

• Shared Interests: Male friendships can provide an opportunity for you to share interests and hobbies your partner might not necessarily enjoy.

Shared Interests Among Male Friends

• A Broader Network of Friends: Relying only on your partner or your partner's friends limits your friendship network. It might also be difficult to have close one-on-one friendships with your partner's friends because they are primarily her friends.

A Broader Network of Friends

• Avoid Misunderstandings and Boundary Crossings: Also, trying to develop close one-on-one friendships with your partner's friends can lead to triangulation, misunderstandings and emotional affairs.

Overcoming Your Reluctance to Develop Your Own Close Male Friendships

Developing close friendships involves being emotionally vulnerable because you're putting yourself out there when you might be rejected. 

Overcoming Fear of Vulnerability

A rejection doesn't necessarily mean another man doesn't like you enough to be your friend. Instead, he might have limited time due to personal and work responsibilities or he might be someone who doesn't see the need to have his own close male friends.

There are some similarities between developing a deeper romantic relationship and developing close friendships.

For instance, when you're trying to develop a deeper romantic relationship, you need to be willing to be emotionally vulnerable (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

It's the same idea when you're trying to develop close male friendships. You can't develop close friendships without allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable, which is hard for many heterosexual men.

Without emotional vulnerability, friendships remain superficial so that your conversations will probably be shallow and limited to impersonal topics: "Hey, how about those Yankees!"

Friendships won't deepen to the level where you can be emotionally supportive of one another

without you taking a risk to be emotionally vulnerable.

Although vulnerability might be an emotional risk, it's essential to having lifelong meaningful friendships.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

I discussed the importance of friendship, sense of community and belonging in two prior articles. 

The Importance of Close Friendships

In my article,  Why Close Friendships Are Important, I discussed the health and mental health benefits of close friendships including:

• Reduced loneliness and social isolation
• A source of emotional support
• Increased self esteem
• A sense of belonging and community
• Increased happiness and satisfaction with life
• A sense of purpose
• Improved cardiovascular health
• Enhanced immune functions
• Potential increase in life expectancy

Why Do Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

When looking at why heterosexual men tend to have fewer close friends than women, I realize this isn't the case for all men. 

Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women

There are many men who prioritize friendships and make an effort to develop and maintain their male friendships.

However, research indicates that many men have fewer friendships than women for a variety of reasons:

• Traditional Masculinity: Men are taught to suppress emotional vulnerability and expression, especially among other men. This makes it difficult to develop and maintain close friendships.

• The Stigma of Male Bonding Among Heterosexual Men: There is still a stigma for heterosexual men to show affection and emotional vulnerability with other heterosexual men. This can get in the way of having male friendships with deeper connections.

• A Focus on Career: Many men prioritize building their career over making and keeping friends.

Many Men Prioritize Work Over Friendships

• Limited Time: Work demands limit the time for friendships. Also, if men are in a relationship, they often want to spend whatever limited time they have with their partner and children.

• Moving Around the Country and the World: Whether it's for college, graduate school or work, men (and women) are more mobile than ever before, so this makes it difficult to make and keep close friends.

Increased Work Travel Makes It Difficult to Make and Keep Friends

• Fewer In-Person Opportunities to Make Friends: There are fewer in person opportunities now to make friends. This can increase loneliness and social isolation.

• A Different Definition of Friendship: Compared to women, men tend to have a looser definition of a friend and expect less from the people they call friends.

• Casual Connections: Whereas women tend to seek deeper connections from their close friends, men tend to have more casual connections when it comes to people they identify as their friends. Casual connections are also important, but deeper connections are more important in terms of the benefits of close friendships.

Why Your Romantic Partner Isn't a Substitute For Close Male Friendships

Heterosexual men tend to seek their emotional connection with their romantic partners than they do with male friends.  They also tend to be better at allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with women.

The problem is that when men seek emotional connection exclusively from their  partner, they're putting a strain on the relationship because they expect their partner to fulfill all their emotional needs. 

A Strain on the Relationship 

They might also expect that their partner will fulfill all their social needs including relying on her to do the planning for their social life (see my article: Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load).

In addition, many of these same men expect to have a ready made group of friends from their partner's friendships.

It's important to have other sources of emotional support and not rely exclusively on a romantic partner which can also put a strain on the relationship.

In addition, if the relationship ends, these men not only lose their partner--they lose their friend group because these friends were really the partner's friends.

How Men Can Build and Maintain Close Male Friendships

• Start small and don't put too much pressure on yourself or on others at the beginning.

• Participate in an activity that you enjoy including working out at the gym, working on a community project, participating in a book club, joining others for a team sport, taking an improv class, and so on, to meet other potential male friends.

Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships

• Transition from the initial banter to more meaningful topics as you get to know them a little better. This might include what they like about their job, community or other activities. As you get to know them even better, you can attempt to be more vulnerable by asking them about what's important to them in their life and sharing your feelings.

If face-to-face encounters are difficult for you at first, you might find a less direct approach more comfortable like talking about someone's workout routine at the gym.

Conclusion

There are a variety of complex reasons why heterosexual men have problems making and developing close male friendships.

Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships

The health and mental health benefits of making close friends are significant.

Be patient with yourself and others while you're developing these new skills and recognize that these skills might not come naturally to the other men you're trying to befriend.

Also See My Related Article: 

The Need For Connection and a Sense of Belonging 

Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Are Close Friendships Important?

According to a 2021 American Perspectives Survey, Americans tend to have fewer close friends in recent years than they did in years past (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

The survey also found that Americans talk to friends less often and rely on friends less for emotional support than they did in the past (see my article: Emotional Support From Your Family of Choice).

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

According to the survey, there are reasons for this, including:

• Americans are more mobile than they were before so this makes it difficult to maintain friendships with the consistency that these relationships need.

• Americans are working and traveling more for work which doesn't leave time to develop and foster friendships.

• American parents are spending more time with their children than previous generations so this doesn't allow much time for friendships.

Why Are Close Friendships Important to Your Mental Health?

Close friendships can improve mental health because friendships:

• Reduce Loneliness and Social Isolation: Spending time with friends can help prevent loneliness and social isolation which can have mental health benefits.

• Provide Emotional Support: Friends can help with getting through difficult times and to cope with anxiety, depression, stress and major changes.

Close Friends Are Important For Your Overall Well-Being

• Improve Self Esteem: Positive interactions with friends can improve self esteem.

• Foster a Sense of Belonging: Close friends can increase feelings of belonging and community which can help with feeling connected and supported (see my article: The Need For Emotional Connection and a Sense of Belonging).

• Increase Happiness and Satisfaction with Life: Close friends can contribute to overall happiness and satisfaction with life.

• Help With Personal Growth: Friendships can challenge you to learn, grow and become a better version of yourself.

• Provide a Sense of Purpose: Close friendship can contribute to a sense of meaning and purpose in life (see my articles: A Search For a Meaningful Life and Living a Meaningful Life).

Why Are Close Friendship Important for Your Physical Health?

Close friendships can improve your physical health benefits because friendships can:

• Improve Cardiovascular Health: Having supportive friends can contribute to having healthier blood pressure and reduce the risk of cardiovascular problems.

Close Friendships Are Important to Your Overall Well-Being

• Enhance Immune Functions: Social support from friends can potentially enhance immune functions which reduce the risk of illness.

• Help Increase Life Expectancy: Studies have indicated that people with strong social connections tend to live longer.

Future Articles:

I'll continue to explore the importance of friendships in future articles.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

What is Compassionate Empathy?

In my prior article, Cognitive vs Affective Empathy, I discussed the difference between those two types of empathy.

Compassionate Empathy

In the current article I'm focusing on compassionate empathy.

    As a brief recap from the prior article:

• Cognitive Empathy means being able to think about and understand another person.

• Affective Empathy means being able to feel another person's feelings while staying grounded in your own experience.

What is Compassionate Empathy?

Compassionate empathy is empathy that combines cognitive and affective empathy so you understand intellectually what someone else is going through at the same time that you're able to feel their feelings while grounded in your own experience.

Compassionate Empathy

Compassionate empathy uses emotional intelligence to respond to another person's feelings without getting overwhelmed or trying to fix their problem.

When you experience compassionate empathy, you're supporting and empowering the other person to deal with their situation.

Compassionate empathy allows you to:

• See and feel the other person's feelings without your own feelings getting in the way and interfering with their situation

• Focus on the other person without pushing a particular outcome on them

• Validate the other person's feelings without giving advice--unless they ask for it

• Create a safe space for the other person to resolve their problem

• Help the other person to regulate their emotions so they can tap into their inner strength and wisdom

An Example of Compassionate Empathy

Your friend calls you to say she is very upset because she found out she didn't score well on the Law School Admission Test (LSAT) and now she's afraid she'll never achieve her dream of becoming a lawyer.

Compassionate Empathy

You invite your friend over so you can talk. When she gets to your place, she's still very upset and she tells you how much she wants to be a public defender and now she'll never be able to do that because of her low LSAT score.

You listen to your friend with compassionate empathy by allowing her to express her feelings while you understand and feel her feelings.

You validate her feelings by telling her, "I know how important your dream of becoming a public defender is to you. I can feel how sad and frustrated you are. I'm here for you. Tell me what else I can do for you."

Your friend feels soothed by you and she calms down. After she calms down and gets over her initial disappointment about not doing well on the LSAT, she remembers she can take the test again.  She also remembers that she can take a preparation course to improve her score the next time she takes the test.

Later on, your friend tells you she's glad she spoke to you. She says she realizes now that, even though she's disappointed, she doesn't have to give up on her dream. Then, she thanks you.

How Can You Develop Compassionate Empathy?

As mentioned above, compassionate empathy combines both cognitive and affective empathy so it's an important skill.

To develop compassionate empathy:

• Stay Calm: Make sure you have the emotional bandwidth to deal with your friend's feelings so you can be present and engage with your friend.

• Listen and Stay Attuned Without Being Judgmental: Listen to your friend and stay attuned to your friend's feelings as well as your own. When you remain present for your friend, you can experience compassionate empathy. You want to be non-judgmental so you can be fully present for your friend's feelings without giving advice, questioning or criticizing their feelings and motives.

Compassionate Empathy

• Mirror Your Friend's Feelings: Rather than giving your opinion, sense into your friend's feelings and reflect them back accurately and compassionately to your friend. When your friend experiences that you're in synch with their feelings, your friend can feel supported by you and calm down. This allows your friend to think more clearly,

• Validate Your Friend's Experience: When you validate your friend's experience, you say things like, "This sounds like it's very upsetting and difficult for you."

• Repeat These Steps If Your Friend's Feelings Escalate: If your friend is very upset, you might have to repeat your steps until your friend feels understood and they can calm down.

Conclusion

Compassionate empathy combines both affective and cognitive empathy. 

Compassionate Empathy

When you use compassionate empathy, you're using emotional intelligence to be responsive to another person without trying to fix their problem.

With compassionate empathy, you can be supportive and empower someone to deal with their situation.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.