Posts
I've been focusing on the topic of friendships in my recent articles:
In the current article I'm focusing on why heterosexual men shouldn't rely only on their wife or girlfriend to develop close friends.
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| Close Male Friendships |
What Are the Contributing Factors to This Problem?
I think some of the issues I discussed in a prior article, Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?, are related to the male friendship problem:
- Fear
- Embarrassment
- A belief in the need to conform to traditional gender roles including what it means to "be a man"
- A fear of showing emotional vulnerability with other men
- A reluctance to admit the need for emotional connection with other men
Why Shouldn't Heterosexual Men Rely Only on Their Partner's Friend Group?
There are many reasons why you shouldn't rely only on your partner or your partner's friend group.
If you rely only on your partner to be the source of your friendships, you're putting a strain on your partner and your relationship because you're expecting her to do the "heavy lifting" when it comes to going out and making friends for both of you.
In many heterosexual relationships this responsibility is in addition to expecting your partner to be in charge of the relationship social calendar, including setting up times to be with friends, making restaurant reservations, making vacation plans, remembering loved ones' birthdays, buying gifts for loved ones, setting up holiday plans, setting up and remembering children's play dates and so on.
This is detrimental to you, your partner, your relationship, and your ability to have a satisfying social life together (see my article: Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load).
What Are the Benefits of Heterosexual Men Having Their Own Close Friends?
If you have a diverse network of friends, including your own network of close male friends, you can experience the following potential benefits:
- Emotional Well-Being and Support: Having your own male friends can provide you with emotional support. Male friendships can be a valuable resource when you are experiencing personal struggles, including problems in your relationship, which you can't discuss with your partner's friends. Also, if you and your partner break up, you won't lose your entire emotional support network if you have your own friends. In addition, male loneliness and isolation are important contributing factors to male suicides in the United States. Men represent 79% of all suicides in the U.S., which is four times higher than women. So, having close friends can help you to avoid feeling lonely, isolated and depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Feeling Sad and Feeling Depressed?).
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| Emotional Well-Being and Support |
- Shared Interests: Male friendships can provide an opportunity for you to share interests and hobbies your partner might not necessarily enjoy.
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| Shared Interests Among Male Friends |
- A Broader Network of Friends: Relying only on your partner or your partner's friends limits your friendship network. It might also be difficult to have close one-on-one friendships with your partner's friends because they are primarily her friends.
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| A Broader Network of Friends |
- Avoid Misunderstandings and Boundary Crossings: Also, trying to develop close one-on-one friendships with your partner's friends can lead to triangulation, misunderstandings and emotional affairs.
Overcoming Your Reluctance to Develop Your Own Close Male Friendships
Developing close friendships involves being emotionally vulnerable because you're putting yourself out there when you might be rejected.
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| Overcoming Fear of Vulnerability |
A rejection doesn't necessarily mean another man doesn't like you enough to be your friend. Instead, he might have limited time due to personal and work responsibilities or he might be someone who doesn't see the need to have his own close male friends.
There are some similarities between developing a deeper romantic relationship and developing close friendships.
For instance, when you're trying to develop a deeper romantic relationship, you need to be willing to be emotionally vulnerable (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).
It's the same idea when you're trying to develop close male friendships. You can't develop close friendships without allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable, which is hard for many heterosexual men.
Without emotional vulnerability, friendships remain superficial so that your conversations will probably be shallow and limited to impersonal topics: "Hey, how about those Yankees!"
Friendships won't deepen to the level where you can be emotionally supportive of one another
without you taking a risk to be emotionally vulnerable.
Although vulnerability might be an emotional risk, it's essential to having lifelong meaningful friendships.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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