Why Heterosexual Men Shouldn't Rely Only on Their Wife or Girlfriend to Develop Close Friends

I've been focusing on the topic of friendships in my recent articles:

Why Are Close Friends Important?

Why Do Heterosexual Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

In the current article I'm focusing on why heterosexual men shouldn't rely only on their wife or girlfriend to develop close friends.

Close Male Friendships

What Are the Contributing Factors to This Problem?

I think some of the issues I discussed in a prior article, Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?, are related to the male friendship problem:

• Fear

• Shame

• Embarrassment

• A belief in the need to conform to traditional gender roles including what it means to "be a man" 

• A fear of showing emotional vulnerability with other men

• A reluctance to admit the need for emotional connection with other men

Why Shouldn't Heterosexual Men Rely Only on Their Partner's Friend Group?

There are many reasons why you shouldn't rely only on your partner or your partner's friend group.

If you rely only on your partner to be the source of your friendships, you're putting a strain on your partner and your relationship because you're expecting her to do the "heavy lifting" when it comes to going out and making friends for both of you. 

In many heterosexual relationships this responsibility is in addition to expecting your partner to be in charge of the relationship social calendar, including setting up times to be with friends, making restaurant reservations, making vacation plans, remembering loved ones' birthdays, buying gifts for loved ones, setting up holiday plans, setting up and remembering children's play dates and so on.

This is detrimental to you, your partner, your relationship, and your ability to have a satisfying social life together (see my article: Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load).

What Are the Benefits of Heterosexual Men Having Their Own Close Friends?

If you have a diverse network of friends, including your own network of close male friends,  you can experience the following potential benefits:

• Emotional Well-Being and Support: Having your own male friends can provide you with emotional support. Male friendships can be a valuable resource when you are experiencing personal struggles, including problems in your relationship, which you can't discuss with your partner's friends. Also, if you and your partner break up, you won't lose your entire emotional support network if you have your own friends. In addition, male loneliness and isolation are important contributing factors to male suicides in the United States. Men represent 79% of all suicides in the U.S., which is four times higher than women. So, having close friends can help you to avoid feeling lonely, isolated and depressed (see my article: What is the Difference Between Feeling Sad and Feeling Depressed?).

Emotional Well-Being and Support

• Shared Interests: Male friendships can provide an opportunity for you to share interests and hobbies your partner might not necessarily enjoy.

Shared Interests Among Male Friends

• A Broader Network of Friends: Relying only on your partner or your partner's friends limits your friendship network. It might also be difficult to have close one-on-one friendships with your partner's friends because they are primarily her friends.

A Broader Network of Friends

• Avoid Misunderstandings and Boundary Crossings: Also, trying to develop close one-on-one friendships with your partner's friends can lead to triangulation, misunderstandings and emotional affairs.

Overcoming Your Reluctance to Develop Your Own Close Male Friendships

Developing close friendships involves being emotionally vulnerable because you're putting yourself out there when you might be rejected. 

Overcoming Fear of Vulnerability

A rejection doesn't necessarily mean another man doesn't like you enough to be your friend. Instead, he might have limited time due to personal and work responsibilities or he might be someone who doesn't see the need to have his own close male friends.

There are some similarities between developing a deeper romantic relationship and developing close friendships.

For instance, when you're trying to develop a deeper romantic relationship, you need to be willing to be emotionally vulnerable (see my article: Emotional Vulnerability as a Pathway to Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship).

It's the same idea when you're trying to develop close male friendships. You can't develop close friendships without allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable, which is hard for many heterosexual men.

Without emotional vulnerability, friendships remain superficial so that your conversations will probably be shallow and limited to impersonal topics: "Hey, how about those Yankees!"

Friendships won't deepen to the level where you can be emotionally supportive of one another

without you taking a risk to be emotionally vulnerable.

Although vulnerability might be an emotional risk, it's essential to having lifelong meaningful friendships.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917-742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Do Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

I discussed the importance of friendship, sense of community and belonging in two prior articles. 

The Importance of Close Friendships

In my article,  Why Close Friendships Are Important, I discussed the health and mental health benefits of close friendships including:

• Reduced loneliness and social isolation
• A source of emotional support
• Increased self esteem
• A sense of belonging and community
• Increased happiness and satisfaction with life
• A sense of purpose
• Improved cardiovascular health
• Enhanced immune functions
• Potential increase in life expectancy

Why Do Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?

When looking at why heterosexual men tend to have fewer close friends than women, I realize this isn't the case for all men. 

Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women

There are many men who prioritize friendships and make an effort to develop and maintain their male friendships.

However, research indicates that many men have fewer friendships than women for a variety of reasons:

• Traditional Masculinity: Men are taught to suppress emotional vulnerability and expression, especially among other men. This makes it difficult to develop and maintain close friendships.

• The Stigma of Male Bonding Among Heterosexual Men: There is still a stigma for heterosexual men to show affection and emotional vulnerability with other heterosexual men. This can get in the way of having male friendships with deeper connections.

• A Focus on Career: Many men prioritize building their career over making and keeping friends.

Many Men Prioritize Work Over Friendships

• Limited Time: Work demands limit the time for friendships. Also, if men are in a relationship, they often want to spend whatever limited time they have with their partner and children.

• Moving Around the Country and the World: Whether it's for college, graduate school or work, men (and women) are more mobile than ever before, so this makes it difficult to make and keep close friends.

Increased Work Travel Makes It Difficult to Make and Keep Friends

• Fewer In-Person Opportunities to Make Friends: There are fewer in person opportunities now to make friends. This can increase loneliness and social isolation.

• A Different Definition of Friendship: Compared to women, men tend to have a looser definition of a friend and expect less from the people they call friends.

• Casual Connections: Whereas women tend to seek deeper connections from their close friends, men tend to have more casual connections when it comes to people they identify as their friends. Casual connections are also important, but deeper connections are more important in terms of the benefits of close friendships.

Why Your Romantic Partner Isn't a Substitute For Close Male Friendships

Heterosexual men tend to seek their emotional connection with their romantic partners than they do with male friends.  They also tend to be better at allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with women.

The problem is that when men seek emotional connection exclusively from their  partner, they're putting a strain on the relationship because they expect their partner to fulfill all their emotional needs. 

A Strain on the Relationship 

They might also expect that their partner will fulfill all their social needs including relying on her to do the planning for their social life (see my article: Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load).

In addition, many of these same men expect to have a ready made group of friends from their partner's friendships.

It's important to have other sources of emotional support and not rely exclusively on a romantic partner which can also put a strain on the relationship.

In addition, if the relationship ends, these men not only lose their partner--they lose their friend group because these friends were really the partner's friends.

How Men Can Build and Maintain Close Male Friendships

• Start small and don't put too much pressure on yourself or on others at the beginning.

• Participate in an activity that you enjoy including working out at the gym, working on a community project, participating in a book club, joining others for a team sport, taking an improv class, and so on, to meet other potential male friends.

Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships

• Transition from the initial banter to more meaningful topics as you get to know them a little better. This might include what they like about their job, community or other activities. As you get to know them even better, you can attempt to be more vulnerable by asking them about what's important to them in their life and sharing your feelings.

If face-to-face encounters are difficult for you at first, you might find a less direct approach more comfortable like talking about someone's workout routine at the gym.

Conclusion

There are a variety of complex reasons why heterosexual men have problems making and developing close male friendships.

Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships

The health and mental health benefits of making close friends are significant.

Be patient with yourself and others while you're developing these new skills and recognize that these skills might not come naturally to the other men you're trying to befriend.

Also See My Related Article: 

The Need For Connection and a Sense of Belonging 

Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy When They Need It?

As a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City, I'm seeing more men seeking help now than I did 20 years ago, but many men are still reluctant to get help in therapy when they need it.

Why Are Many Men Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy?

According to a 2020 survey, even though more men seek help now than before, there are many men who need help who don't seek it. In addition, fewer men seek help in  therapy compared to women.

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy

Even though many well-known male athletes and celebrities have spoken openly about seeking help in therapy, there's still a stigma about men seeking help (see my article: Mental Health Awareness: Reducing the Stigma of Getting Help in Therapy).

Here are some of the most common reasons why men avoid getting help in therapy:

• A belief they must conform to traditional gender roles and that "being a man" means never showing emotional vulnerability

• They don't know how to show emotional vulnerability

• They're not sure what they feel

• Even if they know what they feel, they don't know how to talk about it

• A belief that going to therapy means they're "weak" (see my article: A Common Myth: Going to Therapy Means You're "Weak")

• Going to therapy makes them feel ashamed (see my article: Overcoming Shame)

• Going to therapy makes them feel embarrassed

• A belief they should know how to handle their problems on their own without getting help

• Psychotherapy is out of reach for them due to a lack of mental health services in their area or they can't afford it (in New York there are sliding scale therapy services in psychotherapy institutes with therapists in training who are supervised by senior therapists, including Institute For Contemporary Psychotherapy which also takes some health insurance).

How Can Men Learn to Talk About Their Problems?

Over the years, I have worked with many men who seek help in therapy because their partner encouraged them and, in some cases, insisted that they get help.

Here are some of the things I do to help men who seek help:

• Normalizing the Need For Help: Since I know many men don't know how to talk about their feelings, I start by trying to help them to get comfortable talking in sessions and normalizing how awkward it can be, at first, for anyone to talk to a therapist. I also provide them with psychoeducation about therapy including letting them know that many people start therapy with a degree of anxiety and ambivalence (see my article: Starting Therapy: It's Not Unusual to Feel Anxious and Ambivalent).

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy

• Creating a Safe Space in Therapy Sessions: In order for clients to feel comfortable talking in therapy, I create a safe space for them by being compassionate, nonjudgmental and going at a pace that works for them.  

• Helping Clients to Relax: For clients who are anxious, I often start the session with a breathing exercise to help them transition from wherever they came from so they can relax and be present in the room.

• Starting Wherever They Want to Start: In our culture, it's generally considered more acceptable to talk about "stress" than anxiety or depression, so a lot of men (and women too) start therapy by saying they're experiencing "stress" and they just need some tips on how to manage their stress.  I will start wherever a client feels most comfortable, so if they want to talk about ways to manage stress, I'll start there.  But what usually happens, after these clients get comfortable talking to me, is that they begin to open up and talk about what is causing them stress including problems in their relationship, problems with their children, elder care issues, issues at work, unresolved trauma and so on.

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy 

• Choosing Whether or Not to Work With Goals: Some clients like to set goals early in therapy. Others feel that setting specific goals feels like too much pressure. So, I allow clients to decide how they want to work.  At the same time, I want the sessions to be meaningful to them so we might need to find a balance so the therapy doesn't just "drift" in a scattered way.

• Helping Clients to Identify Their Feelings: Many men have been raised since early childhood to suppress or ignore their feelings so that, as adults, it's difficult for them to know what they feel. Therefore, helping these clients to recognize and identify feelings is often a significant part of the work.

Men Who Are Reluctant to Get Help in Therapy

• Using Humor and Lightheartedness: Using humor, when appropriate, can help clients to relax and open up. 

• Encouraging Self Compassion: This is an essential part of the work in therapy, especially for clients who have internalized harsh messages from early childhood about what it means to "be a man" (see my article: Acceptance and Self Compassion).

• Encouraging Self Care: Many men who are reluctant to get help in therapy are also reluctant to take care of their physical health and overall well-being, so encouraging self care is often an important part of the work (see my article: Self Care Is Not Selfish).

• Encouraging Support Outside of Therapy: The problem for many men is they don't talk to anyone about how they feel even if they have people in their life who would be supportive. In addition, many men don't have partners or close friendships, so encouraging them to develop an emotional support system outside of therapy is important (see my article: Overcoming Loneliness and Social Isolation).

Suicide Rates For Men

Men's mental health struggles often go undiagnosed because they avoid getting help.

In the United States, men represent about 79% of all suicides, which is four times higher than women.

Approximately 36,000 men commit suicide every year in the U.S. due to undiagnosed mental health and/or substance misuse problems.

Many of these deaths could have been prevented with professional help.

Note: If you or someone you know needs immediate help for suicidal thoughts, call 988, which is the suicide prevention lifeline or go to your nearest emergency room.

Getting Help in Therapy

The first step, which is making an appointment, is often the hardest.  

Getting Help in Therapy

If you have been struggling on your own, you could benefit from getting help from a skilled mental health professional.

Most clients who are initially reluctant to start therapy usually discover that therapy helps them to overcome their problems so they can lead a meaningful life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples for a variety of issues, including trauma (see my article: What is a Trauma Therapist?).

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at 917.742.2624 during business hours or email me.

Is It True That "Real Men" Are Always Ready to Get It Up?

In my previous article, Overcoming Problems With Anxiety-Related Erectile Dysfunction, I focused specifically on how stress and anxiety can make it difficult for men to get and stay hard and how sex therapy can help with this problem.

Is It True That "Real Men" Are Always Ready to Get It Up?

In the current article, I'm addressing the idea that "real men" are always ready and willing to get it up any time, any place and with anyone.  

Is this true?  In a word, no.

Problems With Getting an Maintaining an Erection Are Common

It's not true because, at some time or another, most men have problems with getting or maintaining an erection.  

It's a common problem that occurs occasionally for many reasons, which will be discussed below, and when it occurs occasionally, in most instances, once medical problems have been ruled out, it's not a cause for concern.

The idea that "real men" are always ready to get it up is a form of toxic masculinity which perpetuates psychologically destructive misinformation for men and their partners. And one of the primary reasons it's so destructive is that the logical conclusion to this myth is that a man who isn't always ready to get it up is "less than a man" or deficient in some way. 

This myth often creates feelings of shame and inadequacy for men and feelings of being sexually undesirable for their partners--regardless of sexual orientation and gender.

This myth can also perpetuate a cycle of anxiety, shame, doubt and fear that can lead to ongoing problems with erectile dysfunction (ED) when ED was never the problem to begin with.

Why Can't a Man Get Hard If He Wants to Have Sex and He Finds His Partner Sexually Desirable?

Men aren't machines so it's not a matter of pressing a button to automatically get their penis hard.

Men can find their partners very sexually desirable and still not be able to get or maintain an erection for a variety of reasons, including (but not limited to):

• Stress
• Tiredness
• Too much alcohol
• Side effects of certain medications
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Other emotional issues
• Relationship problems
• Health concerns like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems, poor circulation, prostate problems, age-related problems and so on
• Financial problems
• Other related issues

When a man's partner assumes that his problems with getting and maintaining an erection reflect poorly on the partner, this perception compounds the problem even further by creating stress and bad feelings in the relationship.

At that point, a man can feel even more pressure to get and stay hard because he feels his masculinity is in question and also because he doesn't want to disappoint his partner.  

But stress and pressure make it harder to get and maintain an erection, so this can become a negative cycle.

Are There Times When a "Real Man" Just Doesn't Want to Have Sex?

In a word, yes.

Why should wanting to have sex be any different from wanting to do anything else?

If we were discussing a preference for anything else--going to the movies, eating dinner at a particular restaurant, watching TV and so on, it would be obvious that there are times when people don't want to engage in an activity and other times when they don't.  

It's the same for having sex and, once again, it's not a reflection on the man or his partner.  

But, once again, if a man feels pressure because he doesn't want to have sex, he might feel he has to "man up" to have sex when he doesn't want it because he fears being judged as "less than a man" and he also doesn't want to disappoint his partner.  

To complicate matters, many men (and women) don't feel comfortable talking about sex with  their partner because they don't know how and/or they feel ashamed (see my article:  How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex - Part 1 and Part 2).

In addition, even though it's often assumed that "real men" are always ready for sex, many men experience responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire so, even if they're willing to have sex, they need time to get sexually aroused (see my article: Both Responsive and Spontaneous Sexual Desire Are Normal).

What If Problems With Getting Hard Are Due to Relational Problems?

There are times when men (and women) don't want to have sex because there are problems in the relationship.  This is a common problem.

It's a good idea for a man to see a urologist or sexual health doctor to first rule out any other health reasons that are affecting his ability to have an erection.  Once those problems are ruled out, the problem can be related to other problems, including relational problem with a partner.

With regard to relational problems, it makes sense that feelings of anger, sadness, hurt or emotional numbness aren't conducive to wanting sex.  

Under these circumstances, couples often need to get help both relationally and sexually from a couples therapist who is also a sex therapist to overcome problems that are creating emotional and sexual obstacles in the relationship.

Getting Help in Couples and Sex Therapy

Couples seek help in couples and sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Getting Help in Couples and Sex Therapy

Sex therapy, in particular, is for individual adults and couples (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?

There is no nudity, sex or physical exams in sex therapy (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy? ).

If you're having problems, rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who has an expertise in both couples and sex therapy.

Overcoming your problems can allow you to have a more meaningful relationship and a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, trauma therapist (EMDR, AEDP, Somatic Experiencing), Emotionally Focused Couples therapist and a sex therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

The 5 Most Common Sexual Insecurities That Heterosexual Men Have

As a sex therapist in New York City, I have seen many clients struggle with sexual insecurity. In fact, sexual insecurity is a common experience for many people at some point in their lives.  

The current article focuses on heterosexual men's sexual insecurities (see my article: Overcoming Feelings of Sexual Shame and Guilt).

The Sexual Insecurities of Men

What Are the 5 Most Common Sexual Insecurities of Men?

• Fear of Rejection: Despite many positive changes in gender roles in the past few decades, unfortunately, the cultural expectation is still that men are the pursuers and women are the pursued, especially among traditional men and women. This places the burden on men to make the first move and risk rejection, which can create stress and anxiety. It also creates anxiety and frustration for women when they're in the passive role of waiting for men. With dating experience, over time, many men learn to deal with rejection, but many others never overcome this fear. They hope they'll be able to pick up on social cues from women who are interested, but these cues might be confusing or nonexistent in certain situations. If a man is especially fearful of rejection, he might feel his whole sense of self is on the line. Due to his fear, he might avoid taking the initiative--only to feel bad about himself later (see my article: Coping With Fear of Rejection).

• Fear of Not Pleasing Their Partner in Bed: There's an unfair stereotype of men being mostly focused on their own sexual gratification. This stereotype is amplified in most male-oriented pornography which focuses primarily on men's pleasure (the exception to this is ethical porn).  Although this might be true for some men, especially in hookup situations, many men worry about whether they're pleasing women in bed. And, while it's important not to be selfish in bed, the misconception that men are responsible for "giving" women orgasms puts a lot of pressure on both men and women. It also casts women in a passive role as if they're only the recipients of sexual pleasure and not capable of generating their own pleasure.  Unfortunately, many men also base their sense of masculinity and sexual self esteem on whether or not their female partner has an orgasm instead of whether she enjoyed sex.  If their partner doesn't have an orgasm, they feel inadequate.  In some cases, due to a man's existing feelings of inadequacy, he can become so worried about his partner's pleasure that he loses sight of his own pleasure,. This can lead to other problems, including erectile dysfunction (see my articles: What is Sexual Anxiety? and What is Sexual Self Esteem?).

The Sexual Insecurities of Men

• Fear of Having a Small Penis: Another common male insecurity is fear having a small penis. This is especially true of men who watch a lot of pornography and who compare their penis to the penises they see in porn. What many men don't know is that male porn actors are specifically chosen because they have unusually large penises as compared to the average penis, which is about 5.1-5.25 inches long. Fear of having a small penis also creates a lot of shame, which can affect a man's ability to initiate sex or create anxiety about maintaining an erection.  In reality, size doesn't matter with regard to sexual pleasure, and most women don't care about penis size. Also, even a man with a micropenis, which is about 3.67 inches or less, can be give and receive pleasure.

• Fear Related to Overall Body Image: Body image issues are usually associated with women. But, even though women are mostly the ones who are negatively impacted by unrealistic body images portrayed in the media, men are also affected by unrealistic images of having "six pack" abs or a muscular build, which often creates anxiety about taking off their clothes during sex.  Other body image insecurities can include hair loss, weight, height and so on.

• Fear of Erectile Dysfunction (ED): All of the above fears can result in problems with erectile dysfunction, which most men dread. The cause of ED is often psychological due to stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, alcohol consumption, smoking cigarettes, drugs and so on. There are also some medical problems, like diabetes, high blood pressure, prostate problems that can cause ED.  If ED, premature ejaculation (PE) or delayed ejaculation (DE) is a problem, a man should see a urologist to rule out any medical problems first and then see a sex therapist to deal with psychological issues. Erectile problems can also be a combination of physical and psychological problems so that a urologist and sex therapist would collaborate in treatment.

See my article: The 5 Most Common Sexual Insecurities That Heterosexual Women Have

Overcoming Sexual Insecurities in Sex Therapy

Sex therapy is a form of talk therapy that focuses on sexual issues (see my article: What is Sex Therapy?)

Getting Help in Sex Therapy

There is no physical exam, nudity or sex during sex therapy sessions (see my article: What Are Common Misconceptions About Sex Therapy?).

Many individual adults and couples seek help in sex therapy for a variety of reasons (see my article: What Are Common Issues Discussed in Sex Therapy?).

Rather than struggling on your own, seek help from a licensed mental health professional who is a sex therapist so you can lead a more fulfilling life.

About Me

I am a licensed New York City psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT, Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I am a sex-positive therapist who works with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.

Women and Sexual Fluidity

Sex researchers have found that sexual responsiveness can change over time, and they identify this concept as sexual fluidity.  While sexual fluidity can apply to both men and women, it's more common in women.  

Women and Sexual Fluidity

For instance, the Binghamton Human Sexualities Lab in New York has been studying sexual behavior for almost 10 years, and their research reveals that between 2011 and 2019 college age women have been moving away from defining themselves as exclusively heterosexual.  

Whereas 77% of women identified themselves as being only attracted to men in 2011, that number declined in 2019 to 65%.  

At the same time, men's sexual attraction to women remained about the same during that same time period (between 85-90%).

What is Sexual Fluidity?

Dr. Lisa M. Diamond, sex educator and author of the book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire, defines sexual fluidity as the capacity for situation-dependent flexibility in sexual responsiveness.  This flexibility allows individuals to experience changes in same-sex or other-sex desire across long term and short term time periods.

According to WebMD, sexual fluidity involves multiple aspects of sexuality:

• Sexual Orientation: The pattern of your sexual attraction and preference
• Sexual Identity: How you define yourself with regard to your orientation
• Sexual Behavior: The sexual activity that you engage in 

When any of the abovementioned aspects change over time, you can consider yourself as being sexually fluid.

At one time, the main categories for sexuality were either gay or heterosexual.  However, sex experts in the field now recognize many other categories, including (but not limited to):

• Heterosexual: Attractions to people of the opposite sex
• Bisexual: Attractions to both men and women
• Gay or Lesbian: Attractions to the same sex
• Pansexual: Attractions to people of all gender identities
• Demisexual: Attractions are based on already having established a strong emotional bond
• Asexual: An umbrella category that encompasses a broad spectrum of sexual orientations (some people experience no sexual or romantic attractions and others might experience varying degrees of attraction to people).

Sexual Preferences on a Spectrum:

Most sex experts agree that sexuality exists on a spectrum.

The Kinsey Scale, originally published in 1948, suggested that many people don't fit neatly into either heterosexual or homosexual categories.

The scale has six ratings with an additional category:

• 0: Exclusively heterosexual
• 1: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
• 2: Predominantly heterosexual but more than incidentally homosexual
• 3: Equally heterosexual and homosexual/bisexual
• 4: Predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual
• 5: Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
• 6: Exclusively homosexual
• x: No socio-sexual contacts or reactions

The concept that sexual orientation does not fall neatly into heterosexual or homosexual was groundbreaking at the time.  However, many current experts in the field also recognize that the Kinsey scale doesn't address all the possible sexual orientations and identities. 

This article is meant to be an introduction to this topic.

I'll continue to explore this important topic in my next article: Women and Sexual Fluidity: A Clinical Vignette.

Getting Help in Therapy: Seeking help in therapy doesn't mean that you're weak.  It just means that you're human and everyone needs help at some point.  

If you have been unable to resolve problems on your own, you could benefit from seeking help from a licensed mental health professional.  

About Me:  I am a licensed NYC psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT and Somatic Experiencing therapist.

I work with individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 or email me.