Posts
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| The Importance of Close Friendships |
In my article, Why Close Friendships Are Important, I discussed the health and mental health benefits of close friendships including:
- Reduced loneliness and social isolation
- A source of emotional support
- Increased self esteem
- A sense of belonging and community
- Increased happiness and satisfaction with life
- A sense of purpose
- Improved cardiovascular health
- Enhanced immune functions
- Potential increase in life expectancy
Why Do Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women?
When looking at why heterosexual men tend to have fewer close friends than women, I realize this isn't the case for all men.
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| Men Tend to Have Fewer Close Friends Than Women |
There are many men who prioritize friendships and make an effort to develop and maintain their male friendships.
However, research indicates that many men have fewer friendships than women for a variety of reasons:
- Traditional Masculinity: Men are taught to suppress emotional vulnerability and expression, especially among other men. This makes it difficult to develop and maintain close friendships.
- The Stigma of Male Bonding Among Heterosexual Men: There is still a stigma for heterosexual men to show affection and emotional vulnerability with other heterosexual men. This can get in the way of having male friendships with deeper connections.
- A Focus on Career: Many men prioritize building their career over making and keeping friends.
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| Many Men Prioritize Work Over Friendships |
- Limited Time: Work demands limit the time for friendships. Also, if men are in a relationship, they often want to spend whatever limited time they have with their partner and children.
- Moving Around the Country and the World: Whether it's for college, graduate school or work, men (and women) are more mobile than ever before, so this makes it difficult to make and keep close friends.
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| Increased Work Travel Makes It Difficult to Make and Keep Friends |
- Fewer In-Person Opportunities to Make Friends: There are fewer in person opportunities now to make friends. This can increase loneliness and social isolation.
- A Different Definition of Friendship: Compared to women, men tend to have a looser definition of a friend and expect less from the people they call friends.
- Casual Connections: Whereas women tend to seek deeper connections from their close friends, men tend to have more casual connections when it comes to people they identify as their friends. Casual connections are also important, but deeper connections are more important in terms of the benefits of close friendships.
Why Your Romantic Partner Isn't a Substitute For Close Male Friendships
Heterosexual men tend to seek their emotional connection with their romantic partners than they do with male friends. They also tend to be better at allowing themselves to be emotionally vulnerable with women.
The problem is that when men seek emotional connection exclusively from their partner, they're putting a strain on the relationship because they expect their partner to fulfill all their emotional needs.
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| A Strain on the Relationship |
They might also expect that their partner will fulfill all their social needs including relying on her to do the planning for their social life (see my article: Relationships: Sharing the Mental Load).
In addition, many of these same men expect to have a ready made group of friends from their partner's friendships.
It's important to have other sources of emotional support and not rely exclusively on a romantic partner which can also put a strain on the relationship.
In addition, if the relationship ends, these men not only lose their partner--they lose their friend group because these friends were really the partner's friends.
How Men Can Build and Maintain Close Male Friendships
- Start small and don't put too much pressure on yourself or on others at the beginning.
- Participate in an activity that you enjoy including working out at the gym, working on a community project, participating in a book club, joining others for a team sport, taking an improv class, and so on, to meet other potential male friends.
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| Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships |
- Transition from the initial banter to more meaningful topics as you get to know them a little better. This might include what they like about their job, community or other activities. As you get to know them even better, you can attempt to be more vulnerable by asking them about what's important to them in their life and sharing your feelings.
If face-to-face encounters are difficult for you at first, you might find a less direct approach more comfortable like talking about someone's workout routine at the gym.
Conclusion
There are a variety of complex reasons why heterosexual men have problems making and developing close male friendships.
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| Building and Maintaining Close Male Friendships |
The health and mental health benefits of making close friends are significant.
Be patient with yourself and others while you're developing these new skills and recognize that these skills might not come naturally to the other men you're trying to befriend.
Also See My Related Article:
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.
I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.
To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.
To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.
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