What is Compassionate Empathy?

In my prior article, Cognitive vs Affective Empathy, I discussed the difference between those two types of empathy.

Compassionate Empathy

In the current article I'm focusing on compassionate empathy.

    As a brief recap from the prior article:

• Cognitive Empathy means being able to think about and understand another person.

• Affective Empathy means being able to feel another person's feelings while staying grounded in your own experience.

What is Compassionate Empathy?

Compassionate empathy is empathy that combines cognitive and affective empathy so you understand intellectually what someone else is going through at the same time that you're able to feel their feelings while grounded in your own experience.

Compassionate Empathy

Compassionate empathy uses emotional intelligence to respond to another person's feelings without getting overwhelmed or trying to fix their problem.

When you experience compassionate empathy, you're supporting and empowering the other person to deal with their situation.

Compassionate empathy allows you to:

• See and feel the other person's feelings without your own feelings getting in the way and interfering with their situation

• Focus on the other person without pushing a particular outcome on them

• Validate the other person's feelings without giving advice--unless they ask for it

• Create a safe space for the other person to resolve their problem

• Help the other person to regulate their emotions so they can tap into their inner strength and wisdom

An Example of Compassionate Empathy

Your friend calls you to say she is very upset because she found out she didn't score well on the Law School Admission Test (LSAT) and now she's afraid she'll never achieve her dream of becoming a lawyer.

Compassionate Empathy

You invite your friend over so you can talk. When she gets to your place, she's still very upset and she tells you how much she wants to be a public defender and now she'll never be able to do that because of her low LSAT score.

You listen to your friend with compassionate empathy by allowing her to express her feelings while you understand and feel her feelings.

You validate her feelings by telling her, "I know how important your dream of becoming a public defender is to you. I can feel how sad and frustrated you are. I'm here for you. Tell me what else I can do for you."

Your friend feels soothed by you and she calms down. After she calms down and gets over her initial disappointment about not doing well on the LSAT, she remembers she can take the test again.  She also remembers that she can take a preparation course to improve her score the next time she takes the test.

Later on, your friend tells you she's glad she spoke to you. She says she realizes now that, even though she's disappointed, she doesn't have to give up on her dream. Then, she thanks you.

How Can You Develop Compassionate Empathy?

As mentioned above, compassionate empathy combines both cognitive and affective empathy so it's an important skill.

To develop compassionate empathy:

• Stay Calm: Make sure you have the emotional bandwidth to deal with your friend's feelings so you can be present and engage with your friend.

• Listen and Stay Attuned Without Being Judgmental: Listen to your friend and stay attuned to your friend's feelings as well as your own. When you remain present for your friend, you can experience compassionate empathy. You want to be non-judgmental so you can be fully present for your friend's feelings without giving advice, questioning or criticizing their feelings and motives.

Compassionate Empathy

• Mirror Your Friend's Feelings: Rather than giving your opinion, sense into your friend's feelings and reflect them back accurately and compassionately to your friend. When your friend experiences that you're in synch with their feelings, your friend can feel supported by you and calm down. This allows your friend to think more clearly,

• Validate Your Friend's Experience: When you validate your friend's experience, you say things like, "This sounds like it's very upsetting and difficult for you."

• Repeat These Steps If Your Friend's Feelings Escalate: If your friend is very upset, you might have to repeat your steps until your friend feels understood and they can calm down.

Conclusion

Compassionate empathy combines both affective and cognitive empathy. 

Compassionate Empathy

When you use compassionate empathy, you're using emotional intelligence to be responsive to another person without trying to fix their problem.

With compassionate empathy, you can be supportive and empower someone to deal with their situation.

About Me

I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, EFT (for couples), Somatic Experiencing and Sex Therapist.

I have over 20 years of experience helping individual adults and couples.

To find out more about me, visit my website: Josephine Ferraro, LCSW - NYC Psychotherapist.

To set up a consultation, call me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or email me.