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| The Approach-Avoidance Conflict |
In the current article, I'm focusing on the approach-avoidance conflict as it relates to many clients in therapy.
What is the Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Therapy?
As I mentioned in the prior article, although many people want to make positive changes in their life, they often experience ambivalence about the change--even when it's something they really want.
As a New York psychotherapist in private practice, I see this all the time.
Since it's a common experience, if you learn to expect it, you can learn to accept and deal with that part of yourself that might want to avoid positive change.
So, let's explore this dynamic further.
In psychotherapy, the approach-avoidance conflict is a psychological state of tension that occurs when a client is simultaneously drawn towards and repelled by the exact same goal, action or dynamic.
The approach-avoidance conflict was originally introduced by Kurt Lewin, a psychologist, who described this dynamic as a "tug of war".
This dynamic is key to understanding why at a certain stage of therapy many clients experience anxiety and stagnation about the changes they want to make.
What is the Typical Pattern For the Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Therapy?
This conflict often operates on a predictable pattern based on how close clients are to their goal:
- The Approach to a Goal: When clients are far away from a goal, they can see the positive benefits of their goal ("the approach"). This motivates them to move forward.
- The Avoidance of a Goal: As clients move emotionally or physically closer to the goal, many of them begin to perceive negative consequences or fears ("the avoidance") which grows sharply the closer they get to their goal.
- The Point of Stagnation: Eventually, the force of the avoidance equals the force of the approach. At that point, these clients can get stuck as they experience anxiety, indecision or behavioral paralysis.
What Are the Clinical Scenarios Where the Approach-Avoidance Conflict Shows Up in Therapy?
Here are some typical examples:
Intimacy and Relationships:
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| The Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Therapy |
- The Avoidance (Fear): Fear of vulnerability, rejection or losing independence.
- Resulting Behavior: Sabotaging relationships just as they become serious.
Trauma Processing:
- The Approach (Pull or Desire): Wanting to heal, gain closure and reduce traumatic symptoms.
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| The Approach-Avoidance Conflict in Trauma Therapy |
Career Change:
- The Approach (Pull or Desire): Desiring a fulfilling, high-paying and prestigious position.
- The Avoidance (Fear): Fear of failure, longer work hours or more responsibilities.
- Resulting Behavior: Procrastination in submitting a job application or applying for a promotion.
Behavioral Change
- The Approach (Pull or Desire): Wanting a healthier body and stable life.
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| The Approach-Avoidance Conflict and Behavioral Change |
- The Avoidance (Fear): Fear of facing reality the necessary changes involved.
- Resulting Behavior: Reverting back to unhealthy behavior, missing sessions or dropping out of therapy prematurely.
How Does IFS Therapy Deal With the Approach-Avoidance Conflict?
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| IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict |
The IFS therapist deals with the approach-avoidance conflict by recognizing that clients who experience this dynamic have a clash between two or more parts of themselves.
Instead of trying to push through the conflict, the IFS therapist helps clients to overcome this dilemma by identifying clients' internal parts and identifying the positive intentions of each of the conflicting parts. She also helps clients to negotiate between these conflicting parts.
What is the IFS Therapy Framework For the Approach-Avoidance Conflict?
In IFS, the "approach" and "avoidance" aspects of clients are seen as separate parts of the client who have good intentions. There is a recognition that these conflicting parts have served the client in the past by protecting old emotional wounds:
- The Approach Part: This is usually an internal proactive protective part. This part wants to move forward, achieve goals or seek connection because doing so will bring safety, fulfillment or a sense of increased self worth.
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| IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict |
- The Avoidance Part: This is usually a reactive protective part. It stops progress because it senses danger. It fears that moving forward will trigger an old emotional wound, shame or trauma from the past.
What is the IFS Therapy Step-By-Step Process For Resolving Internal Conflict?
The IFS therapist will guide the client through the following process to overcome the client's behavioral conflict:
Differentiating the Internal Parts: Instead of saying, "I want to change, but I can't", the therapist helps the client to reframe it: "A part of me wants very much to move forward, and another part of me is terrified to do it." In addition, the therapist helps the client to discover and embody Core Self, which is the compassionate and curious part of the client. This enables the client to look at both of these internal parts without taking sides. - Honoring The Avoidant Part (The Protector): Traditional psychotherapy often wants to override the client's avoidance. IFS does the opposite: It focuses on the avoidant part first. The IFS therapist asks the client to get curious about the avoidant part by asking: "How is this part protecting you?" and "How did it protect you in the past?". Also, "What is this part afraid will happen if you take this step?" By validating that the avoidant part has a positive intention (e.g., protecting the client from rejection, failure or an old emotional wound), the protecting part usually loosens its grip. This usually doesn't happen immediately because the avoidant part must first learn to trust the Core Self of the client as well as the intention of the therapist.
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| IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict |
- Facilitating Internal Negotiation: Once each of the conflicting parts feels heard and seen by the client's Core Self and the therapist, the therapist helps the client to invite these parts to talk to each other. The Core Self might ask the avoidant part, "If I promise to go very slowly and protect you, would you be willing to allow the approach part to take a small step?" Since this protective/avoidant part is no longer being resisted or ignored, it usually agrees to soften or step aside temporarily.
- Working With the Wounded Part: Ultimately, the avoidant part is hypervigilant because it's protecting the wounded part of the client. Once this protector feels safe enough to step aside, the IFS therapist guides the Core Self to witness, work through the original trauma and heal. When the underlying emotional pain and trauma have been resolved, the avoidant/protector part usually drops the avoidant behavior because the underlying danger no longer exists.
Clinical Vignette
The following clinical vignette illustrates how the approach-avoidance conflict is overcome in IFS therapy:
John
When John met Donna, he felt a strong attraction to her and he asked her to go out on a date.
As they got to know each other, they both enjoyed each other's company and the new relationship energy that comes with being in a new relationship.
A few months later, as the relationship became more serious, Donna wanted a commitment from John but, even though he knew he loved Donna, he felt himself pulling away from her and he didn't understand what was happening to him.
At that point, Donna's friends told her she should end the relationship because they thought John was a "commitment-phobe". But Donna felt John was struggling with some kind of internal conflict and she wanted to give him a chance to overcome the conflict, so she suggested that he get help in therapy.
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| IFS Therapy and the Approach-Avoidance Conflict |
Since John also wanted to understand why he felt so conflicted about making a commitment with Donna, he started therapy with an IFS therapist.
John had never heard of IFS therapy, but he was curious as to how it might help him to overcome his internal conflict.
Over time, as they explored John's family history, they discovered that John had an unresolved trauma related to his mother's anxiety and depression. When he was a child, John felt he was unlovable because his mother was emotionally distant and his father was often away on business.
With the help of his therapist, John realized that this old emotional wound was making him feel emotionally vulnerable with Donna in a way where a part of him wanted to escape the relationship, but another part of him wanted to remain, which reflected his ambivalence.
The work in therapy was neither quick nor easy, but John was motivated to work through his internal conflict about making a commitment to Donna. With the help of his therapist, he was able to see the good intention of the avoidant part of him and how it protected him in the past when he was a child.
His therapist guided John into feeling curious and compassionate towards this avoidant/protector part so that, eventually, it softened enough so he and his therapist could work on his traumatized wounded child part.
Over time, John was gradually able to let go of his fear because he had an embodied sense that, unlike when he was a child, he was now safe and more capable of being in a committed relationship with Donna.
Once he was freed from his traumatic history, John made a commitment to Donna and they moved in together with the eventual goal of getting married.
Conclusion
Although many people want to make positive changes in their life, they often experience an ambivalence about the change as the change becomes more of a reality--even when it's something they really want.
In psychotherapy, the approach-avoidance conflict is a common psychological state of tension that occurs when a client is simultaneously drawn towards and repelled by the exact same goal, action or dynamic.
This is a common experience in therapy.
In traditional psychotherapy, therapists often try to push through the ambivalence, which can make a client feel even more ambivalent, so this usually doesn't work.
An IFS therapist recognizes that we all have many different internal parts and some of these parts are polarized so they are in opposition to each other. They also recognize that this is often outside a client's awareness, so they reach for the ambivalence so it can be worked on.
IFS therapy is ideally suited for dealing with the approach-avoidance conflict.
Get Help in IFS Therapy
If you are stuck in an approach-avoidance dilemma, rather than struggling on your own, you could benefit from working with an IFS therapist.
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| Get Help in IFS Therapy |
Being able to work through the conflict provides you with an opportunity to live a more fulfilling life.
About Me
I am a licensed New York psychotherapist, hypnotherapist, EMDR, AEDP, IFS Parts Work Therapist, EFT Couples Therapist, Somatic Experiencing and Certified Sex Therapist.
I have helped many individual adults and couples over the years.
I provide a free 10-15 minute telephone call before setting up an appointment.
You can contact me at (917) 742-2624 during business hours or you can email me.
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